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Boneheaded, unboundaried and typical behavior of my xh yesterday...........


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I need to write this up for my attorney, the ad litem and the psychologist.

 

My kids are with their Dad until Sunday. Yesterday apparently my dd's phone "died". Without talking to me, xh takes them to Verizon where they are supposedly told there was "nothing they could do". So my dd calls me asking for "the last 4 digits of the social" on our account. Um, what?:001_huh: "So we can see if there is an updgrade"

 

"Honey, it's not appropriate for your Dad to arrange for an upgrade on our account"

 

DD hands phone to Customer Service Rep. Young Customer Service Rep "I neeed the social and password to see if this little girl can get an upgrade".

 

Me: "You are standing with my ex husband. I am not going to allow him to upgrade on our account. We'll handle it in person when my daughter gets home"

 

Daughter, crying, "Why can't I just get a new phone??"

 

The next hour is full of texts from my dd (on her brother's working phone;)). She doesn't understand, her phone isn't working, etc. Finally she says that they are going to just get a new phone - her dad is going to buy her one - and can they "just" put her number on it? She agrees to have the Customer Service Rep call me later when they return to the store.

 

Later, they call. The Customer Service Rep gets our info from me, tells me there "is not an upgrade available" and hangs up. So........getting my dd a new phone was not the plan and her Dad WAS trying to use our account?

 

Later, my dd texts me to ask what time tomorrow would be good to change the phones. She is going to use her step moms old phone until she can get a new one. I ask "Didn't your father say he was going to buy you a new phone and change it out?" She answers "That didn't work out".

 

So, they DID go back to the store with the intention, once again of activity on our account.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

1) He should have contacted me if he felt she needed a phone immediately.

2) He should have been the one to discuss his needs to access for our account.

3) He NEVER, EVER, EVER should have considered it even remotely acceptable to check OUR account for upgrade possibilities.

4) He set me up as the bad guy.

5) He must have not been clear with her about whether he was getting her a new phone or not.

 

Unbelievable.

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4) He set me up as the bad guy.

 

Yes, he did.

 

In the interest of 'gender equality', ;), my stepchildren's mother used to play this game, too. Set dad and me up to be the bad guy.

 

After a year or two, we had to become masters at not giving in just so dad and I didn't have to 'be the bad guy'. Not to mention, we had to (and still do, sometimes, to be quite honest) fight the urge to set mom up to be the bad guy when the opportunity arrises. Most of the time, we have succeded in taking the higher road. It's become easier as we have all matured (dh's daughter was born when he was 17 and her mother was 19. That was 15 years ago. People do a LOT of growing up between late teen years and early thirites. :))

 

Now that dss is 12 and dsd is 15, the 'setting dad up to be the bad guy' is easily seen through by the children, so mom rarely tries it anymore. Plus, I like to believe the best of her, that she has learned that it's really to no one's benefit to do it. It's actually quite harmful to HER relationship with her children.

 

It's not a cliche; in the long run, things like that hurt the relationship with the parent doing the setting up more than they do with the 'bad guy' parent. I'm seeing that unfold right before my eyes as my stepchilren's relationship with their mother becomes continually more strained. Honestly, it makes me feel bad for her.

 

But none of that makes much easier right now, does it. :grouphug:

 

Do your best, as I'm sure you do Joanne, to not use this opportunity to 'bad mouth' dad. Stick to facts as much as possible in disussing it with your dd when she gets home. For example, I'd go more with 'I wouldn't give my cell phone account info to *anyone', and I'd fight the urge to add in '*ESPECIALLY your father!' :D. You already know that; you're probably better at it than I am. ;)

 

:grouphug:

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My ex and his new wife ran up $1000's of dollars in debt in my name using my name and social security number after they got married. It was a nightmare to straighten out. That's just the beginning of the crazt things that they did. I was so glad the day the youngest turned 18. I have rarely had any contact at all with them since then, although I seriously doubt my son will ever recover from the mentle abuse he suffered at their hands. It's hard and I really do feel for you. I pray that you find the strength to make it through this mess. :grouphug:

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I remember those days when my dh's ex would set us up in a similar way every other weekend with my poor step daughter. It was one nightmare after another. But the dc do learn to see through it, as another poster pointed out.

 

My step daughter spent last Mother's Day making me lunch and cleaning my house because she really does know who loves her and who uses her for the "fun" of having drama. She didn't really start to get it until she was fifteen, but when she was about that age she started to process the realities of who her mother is.

 

You have done super as far as I can see about taking the high road. I also spent years protecting my step daughter's mother financially so my little girl wouldn't suffer from having her mother destitute. I'm glad to be off that watch. It is tough, but it is worth it.

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:grouphug: I understand, especially about being set up as the bad guy. Dh does it to me all the time with our ds (only child) with movies, dvds and toys and one time a Nintendo Ds. He shows him movies we haven't agreed on and tells him not to tell me. He gets him new things that I would like to be special gifts (like a watch) from us and doesn't tell me until after. Attempts at conversations w/ him either turn into head pounding conversations that make no sense, or he agrees with me and does it again anyway, or it turns into an all out argument. He leaves me with no option really except to grin and bear it if I don't want to alienate my son or start WWIII. Which is worse, ds getting something I didn't want him to have or see, or having an arguement with his dd over it? I finally figured out that the arguement is worse (for me). Not applying my conclusions to your situation at all!

 

You have my sympathy! :grouphug:

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I need to write this up for my attorney, the ad litem and the psychologist.

 

My kids are with their Dad until Sunday. Yesterday apparently my dd's phone "died". Without talking to me, xh takes them to Verizon where they are supposedly told there was "nothing they could do". So my dd calls me asking for "the last 4 digits of the social" on our account. Um, what?:001_huh: "So we can see if there is an updgrade"

 

"Honey, it's not appropriate for your Dad to arrange for an upgrade on our account"

 

DD hands phone to Customer Service Rep. Young Customer Service Rep "I neeed the social and password to see if this little girl can get an upgrade".

 

Me: "You are standing with my ex husband. I am not going to allow him to upgrade on our account. We'll handle it in person when my daughter gets home"

 

Daughter, crying, "Why can't I just get a new phone??"

 

The next hour is full of texts from my dd (on her brother's working phone;)). She doesn't understand, her phone isn't working, etc. Finally she says that they are going to just get a new phone - her dad is going to buy her one - and can they "just" put her number on it? She agrees to have the Customer Service Rep call me later when they return to the store.

 

Later, they call. The Customer Service Rep gets our info from me, tells me there "is not an upgrade available" and hangs up. So........getting my dd a new phone was not the plan and her Dad WAS trying to use our account?

 

Later, my dd texts me to ask what time tomorrow would be good to change the phones. She is going to use her step moms old phone until she can get a new one. I ask "Didn't your father say he was going to buy you a new phone and change it out?" She answers "That didn't work out".

 

So, they DID go back to the store with the intention, once again of activity on our account.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

1) He should have contacted me if he felt she needed a phone immediately.

2) He should have been the one to discuss his needs to access for our account.

3) He NEVER, EVER, EVER should have considered it even remotely acceptable to check OUR account for upgrade possibilities.

4) He set me up as the bad guy.

5) He must have not been clear with her about whether he was getting her a new phone or not.

 

Unbelievable.

 

 

Yes. Document everything. You know what else? I would also write down the name(s) of the customer service people you spoke with if you remember, and the name of the place(s) he tried to access your account, as well as the fact that you did not authorize him to access anything. You might need it in case there is some strange activity on your account(s).

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