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not a brag/kinda confession/huge reflection

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ok, I'm an idiot. I know I've come here to rant about being mom, don't think I've ever done it about dh. But although there have been tough times recently, I am truly amazed at the wonderful kids God has blessed us with. And DH? He's just a gem that words cannot describe. I don't deserve him, that's for sure!


This year I just did NOT have it in me to do all my baking, decorating, shopping. We do Christmas in a huge way, and I don't feel guilty about it At All. But I just couldn't do it this year. I really was ok with it, but Christmas Eve when everyone went to bed and I had our few things to put out (each child got one gift, a stocking and the family gift was a Wii, so it's not like we did nothing) I cried uncontrollably. I couldn't get myself to stop. First my younger son came into the bathroom and said, "Mom, they're only gifts. We don't care. We're going to have a great Christmas." and then I sobbed and told him that I didn't even do my baking. He said, "So what. We still have so many treats." Then my older son's words, always wise beyond his years, telling me he's so happy I didn't go all out. My husband came in to comfort me, and I was spent by the time he did and asked him to just let me get it all out.


I have been down and blue since my mom died and I haven't gotten myself back. I've barely taken care of my family. I've never been through this. Everything in life was overwhelming. I ordered herbs and started to take them a couple of weeks ago, they helped but only took the edge off. But what I think I really needed to do was to vocalize everything that was so hard to see my mother go through, get a HUGE cry out (the past 3 Christmas' were spent knowing they were the "last" with dad, mom, family friend) and then move on. If I am not "myself" again next week (I feel great now) then I will have to do something about it.


This ended up being one of our most special Christmas' ever, and it was all about family. My brother stayed for five days, we all spent Wed through today just TOGETHER, NOT engrossed in anything other than having fun together (board games, mostly talking, Wii) and best of all, this year what I didn't know was that everyone else was focusing on ME because I've had such a hard one. The blessings are more than I can say.


So I am focusing on how thankful I am for my wonderful family, and thankful for the support I've gotten here when I needed it, too. It sounds silly, but when my family was blessing the socks off of me, I felt like I owed them an apology HERE, where I've aired my dirty laundry.


An update on ADHD son: he was not happy when we spoke to the neurologist about his issues. He said he'll do anything we want, even medication, but it was difficult for him to have his "dirty laundry" aired out. We are seeing a counselor who works with ADHD kids and is huge on solutions which help them better manage their emotions. I'm thankful his issues are considered mild, but consider it my responsibility to help him better tackle his emotions before he's out in the real world. We told the dr. the events of the past few years and her mouth hung open, and she said it could be depression. She said that was too much for a kid to handle. We're going to work with the counselor first, and then if we think that he needs more help or medication, we'll go that route. But just speaking to someone and listing all our family has been through, although uncomfortable for him, seems to have given him a renewed energy. I'm hoping.........


I do hope that nothing traumatizing or tragic happens in 2010, because we've just had far too much of that for years now. But I'm hopeful that this will be the best year we've had in a long time. I do pray that God keep tragedy away from us because we just want to focus on blessing our oldest and enjoying him. Our time with him is running out! (with him in our home.) I feel like the "old us" is back. And in large part I feel we were lost because I was torn between two worlds, one caring for sick and dying people, and the other being my family. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing, but my family had to live with what ever leftovers I could give them for too long now.


My focus and resolution for 2010 is to once again become the wife and mother I was before tragedy took over our family. One of the things I will be doing is to pull out one of my most powerful bible studies, the name of which escapes me at the moment but is about being a wife, and doing it again. And dh is getting a late Christmas present this year. We watched Julie and Julia and our entire family LOVED it, and then were blessed with a Julia Childs marathon two days ago. Dh LOVES to cook and I know he wants her books. I ordered her two volume set and will give that to him along with a dinner made from one of them, candles and all, kids removed from "our space" and, most importantly, I promise to make him a minimum of one meal from her books per week. I'm setting the bar low because I am an active homeschool mom and don't want to follow through.


Dh is slowly going through my "bucket list" of life's dreams, and he made that apparent this Christmas. He's the most thoughtful person I've ever met. He put together a slide show, one that started with some of the special moments in our lives, and then moving on to my life's dreams. #1, build barn and have farm. Done. #2, adoption. Done. (and our child is mentally ill and causes many problems. He's NEVER ONCE blamed this on me or held it against me.) #3 - he put together a huge section of dolphins and stuff. #3 will be recognized in March when he flies me away to swim with the dolphins, something I've been wanting to do since he met me 22 years ago. I have two more dreams left but don't care about them. My dream now is to bless my husband and return to the person I was. It is my dream, my focus and my resolution.


So, maybe I shouldn't put this here, and to many it would seem like a waste of space. But I'm just getting this out there and especially want all you women who have been so helpful to me to know that I SOOOOO appreciate you, too.


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