Chores and future resentment?

[Mrs Mungo]

Have you watched "Meet the Natives: USA?" It's a documentary-style show that follows 5 natives of Tanna (a small, Polynesian island) as they visit various areas and types of people within the US. We watched the episode in which they visit Orange County last night. The dad was a real estate mogul and the couple had several grown kids living with them. The men from Tanna were clearly disturbed that the mom in the house did most of the work while the grown kids did very little. They pointed out that from a very early age kids in their village were doing their share. As elders, they had earned the right not to work any more, their kids now did for them.

 

I think the problem is not assigning chores. I think the problem is the correct perception that many kids are completely spoiled and aren't required to do chores. It feels unfair. On the other hand, those are the kids who have trouble adjusting to life on their own. I'm very glad that I knew how to cook, do laundry and such when I left my parents' home.

[justamouse]

Hmmm, I think the heart attitudes have just as much to do with the chores as the chores. I grew up cleaning my house because both my parents worked. To this day I have a very strong work ethic and I lay it at the feet of having a job at 14 and cleaning my house when I was a kid. HOWEVER, I also was always made aware of how much my work was appreciated, and how a part of the family team I was. I hope I'm teaching my own kids the same lessons. They are excellent with their chores and love helping me because they see me working just as hard. And I admit, I hate chores, but I love the sense of accomplishment and the sense of order finishing them brings.

[joannqn]

I agree with those that said it's more about the attitude of the parents than the chores.

[Chris in VA]

I have a friend who is trying to implement more chores for her kiddos, who range in age from 12 to 5. She is one of those folks who wants great freedom for her kids, and allows them to explore and make tons of messes--but she's not good at saying "no" or "not right now," and so her kids get in to all kinds of things and make her home a disaster. I guess she has rather weak boundaries or something. Anyway, her mom once said to her (as a child) "I'm not your servant!" and df reacted, "Yes you are!" She sees herself as her kids' servant, couching it in Christianity.

I think, tho, that kids learn to serve by BOTH observing/experiencing being served AND serving others. Appropriate chores teach the "serving others" part, and appropriate parenting teaches the "being served" part.

I love my friend dearly, but she is always making her life so difficult by not setting appropriate boundaries.

[lionfamily1999]

I think it has more to do with the motivation behind the chores than anything else. I had to do the chores my mother 'hated.' Thus, I was doing the work someone else did not want to do. What did I learn? Chores bite.

 

With my dcs, I'm trying to teach them that stewardship of the blessings God has given you is important. We clean the house to show gratitude to God for the many blessings he's given us. We take care of our home and yard, so we'll be ready should God increase our blessings, and the responsibilities that go along with it.

 

I admit that chores seem like yucky work, but I also give a few days off every once in awhile, so they can see just how yucky life can be if the chores are not done.

[QueenCat]

For us, it’s about balance, and sharing in the needs of the family. Yes, some chores. But not so many that they don’t get to do ample social/enrichment activities outside of the home. Pretty much any chore can be planned around other activities. During the week, ours do about 30 minutes a day, but not necessarily all at one time. On the weekend, about an hour. During mowing season, the yard needs mowing so that’s an extra 1 ½ hours/week for the eldest but then the younger picks up more of the inside chores.

[6packofun]

I think chores could just be the vehicle through which the resentment/frustration/wahtever is manifesting itself, if that makes sense. Sheer number of chores *might* be a problem, but the real issue is how a child is treated. A child doing 12 chores a day in a large family where a spirit of helpfulness, cooperation and service to one's family isn't going to grow up resentful, especially if the parent(s) express appreciation for that service. Yes, even children deserve appreciation. Even for something expected sometimes.

 

Another child doing the same 12 chores a day for a selfish and/or lazy parent...or for parents who never say thank you for the hard work that helps to keep the family running smoothly and allows THEM to live a more comfortable life, may very well resent the work because it's easier to hate that than it is to express strong negative feelings towards a parent. Even "good" parents can make the mistake of not creating the right attitude about work in the home or be a poor example in just this one area. Of course, an adult needs to work through these issues and do chores anyhow, but simply *having* the issues is not immaturity, IMO, if other factors are in place. Chores could just be an associative thing towards an aloof parent or whatever. (This post sounds like I'm implying more psychological trauma than I'm actually intending; I'm simply saying that an adult who really dislikes certain work or chores in general may have legitimate family baggage that explains it without their being an immature or lazy person.)

Edited December 14, 2009 by 6packofun
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[momtoboys]

Okay, i have not read 100% of the responses. . .But. . .

 

I had to practically raise my siblings, do tons of chores, clean, cook, etc. .(and nothing I did was ever "good enough"). . I also *hate* doing all those things (EXCEPT raising kids. . which is a good exception!) to this day.

 

However, I think it's not as much the chores themselves that made me hate it. . it was the never being good enough, the feeling as if you had to do everything, the unrealistic not age-appropriate expectations, etc. . that really contributed to me hating the chores.

 

I mean, in a great, fairly functional family, chores can be a good thing, IMO, as long as it doesn't amount to child slavery. ;)

[Janet in WA]

I never did a single chore as a child. And I came into adulthood hating household chores. I suspect there is a loose connection between the two, but nothing crippling or even certain. In my opinion, every member of a family should be responsible for the work to maintain that household. I don't find a noble reason for my own parents not requiring them of me. They simply found it easier to do them themselves than to train us and hold us accountable.

[hornblower]

I'm all for TEACHING kids how to do certain things. They need to know how to clean a bathroom, do laundry, iron a shirt, prepare meals. But they don't need to do them over & over & over & over again to learn those things.

 

I try to find a way for us to work as a team - usually I come up with a list of things that need doing & we split it up.

 

My mom was & is nuts about housekeeping. I really think it borders on ocd. I learned how things were done mostly by watching her. The one chore I really, really, really resented was vacuuming & it was because my parents made it a job. At the time, I felt they were being really stingy with my allowance & then they said I could have more if I vacuumed every week. Well, I grew to hate that job (2 sets of curved, carpeted stairs :glare:) and eventually I got fired. I really hated vacuuming.

 

But now, I love vacuuming. I even have 'why yes, vacuuming is my hobby' as a sig line every once in a while. :D

 

For my kids, I just want them to know how to do things & to pitch in when required.

[freetobeme]

Does anyone have any books or other resources to help me figure out what is 'normal' to expect at different ages? It's just that I always felt there was too much expect of me as a kid, so I've swung too far in the other direction with my kids.

 

this might be a place to start:

http://metrolife.typepad.com/metro_moms/files/stages_of_responsibility_in_children.pdf

[Rosie_0801]

Honestly, if an adult feels resentful for chores he or she had to do as a child, I would really doubt the maturity of the adult.

 

:iagree: Unless we're talking about extremes like babysitting younger siblings and cleaning house all weekend, or being held responsible for other people's untidiness (you do your job and someone immediately comes and makes a mess because it is not their job) chores are part of life and bad luck if you don't like it. Parents don't like a lot of things they have to do either.

 

Rosie

[Guest janainaz]

There's a balance - there always is.

 

When I was kid, it was just IN me to clean. I liked things organized from the time I came out of the womb and no one had to ask me to make my bed, put my clothes away, do dishes - whatever. I don't resent doing it now. That's one scenario - personality.

 

My kids are 5 and almost 10. I expect them to help. I expect my son to lend a helping hand, to fold and put away his clothes and to unload the dishwasher. We do give him an allowance, but I've made clear that it's not "owed" to him. We just do it because we are nice. On a different note, I praise him. I thank him every time. I thank him because I appreciate his attitude about it (most of the time). He will help me with anything I ask him. DS5 folds his laundry and puts it away. He picks up his room on his own - he's got a little bit of me in him.

 

My dh was put off by his mother. She had him do a lot of chores and then came through with the white glove treatment. She nit-picked and was ungrateful and nasty in her own attitude. It made him feel like his help was never good enough and why bother.

 

I give my kids chores that they can handle and that I can handle not being perfect. I once tried to have my son clean the bathroom - the floors, baseboards, toilets, etc. and he did a very poor job. He tried. But, I switched him to something else.

 

My nieces were raised by their grandmother for most of their lives. They had everything done for them. They are both on the lazy side now. I imagine it will change as they get older (I hope). It's just a balance of responsibility and appreciation.

[Coleroo]

amazon has a book that I just put on my wishlist...it has a broken down "chore list" of what might be expected at certain ages. I thought it looked helpful. :)

 

http://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Clean-Jeans-Housekeeping-Kids/dp/1579548822/ref=wl_it_dp_o?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2D7PDUUH64SUB&colid=YSIP9O2AO96G

[beezus]

I did resent chores as a kid, because my mother would leave a long list of things for me to do each day, but no list for my sister. My sister is a couple years younger, but even as she got older, my mom never expected her to do any chores, just me. Not just vacuuming and dusting, but cooking and running the power lawn mower as a pre-teen with no adult supervision. Thank goodness I made it through my childhood without lopping off any digits or setting the house afire!

 

My mom worked when I was a kid and she had been the oldest of six kids, so maybe she just thought it was the job of the oldest kid to look after the household stuff mom couldn't do. I don't know. I can't say I've harbored any long-term resentment about it, but I did think it was unfair at the time.

 

As an adult I look back and see how easy it was to transition into life on my own, because I already knew how to run a household. I agree with those who say the parent's attitude has a lot to do with a child's approach to chores. I can't recall my mom ever thanking me for helping with the work, but she did scream a lot if it wasn't done or wasn't done to her standards. In my view, allocating chores age-appropiately and fairly among kids helps them learn to be contributors rather than just recipients. Rotate the chores and do things with them as much as possible. On Saturdays we often have chore time where we are all working on different things, but at least no one feels dumped on for having to do chores while others are lollygagging.

[lcelmer]

When I was a child I had to do the dishes after dinner by hand. I hated it. It started when I was 9 and went on until I moved at around 14 (long story). As an adult, I absolutely hated doing dishes. So much so that it took me a week to wash the ones my family used. I knew it was gross, but hated doing them. After 15 years, we finally got a house with a dishwasher and now I don't mind putting the dishes in there it at all.

 

 

 

I too, hate dishes, but I figured out that wasn't because I had to do them growing up, it was because I was in a hurry and not being careful, and always ended up with wet sleeves/stomach.... :D

 

My plan with my kiddos is to rotate through all the household chores so they aren't stuck washing dishes forever, but they must learn to do each chore with a good attitude before they move on.

[PollyOR]

VERY interesting thread. I appreciate all that you have shared. It has given me a different perspective...especially for my 11yo. The kid is full of energy and reliable, so she is the one I call on. And yes, she is beginning to resent it. Your experiences have helped me to see things through her eyes.

 

I made a big mistake with my oldest. She was in public school, and I put school and academics first. I felt sorry for her because she was swamped with homework, band practice, cross country practice, early morning (6:30 am) religion class, etc. I rarely gave her housework to do. She knows how to clean, but she isn't consistent. She has no routine. Then, she married a hoarder. The first year of their marriage was a nightmare! There was no path through their house, no place to sit, a kitchen sink full of water and rotting food, cat feces on the floor because her DH wouldn't clean the cat box (dd was pregnant). Thank the LORD it isn't like that anymore. But, she still struggles with routine. Watching her struggle was when I decided I HAD to teach my other girls to be consistent.

 

It has been a struggle. We are now using Children's Miracle Music (for the younger two) and the Motivated Mom's chore planner for all of us.

 

I do believe children should work in the home (I'm not their maid), but thank you for reminding me to show appreciation.

[Coleroo]

I made a big mistake with my oldest. She was in public school, and I put school and academics first. I felt sorry for her because she was swamped with homework, band practice, cross country practice, early morning (6:30 am) religion class, etc. I rarely gave her housework to do. She knows how to clean, but she isn't consistent. She has no routine. Then, she married a hoarder. The first year of their marriage was a nightmare! There was no path through their house, no place to sit, a kitchen sink full of water and rotting food, cat feces on the floor because her DH wouldn't clean the cat box (dd was pregnant). Thank the LORD it isn't like that anymore. But, she still struggles with routine. Watching her struggle was when I decided I HAD to teach my other girls to be consistent.

 

You just described me really really well, although I was also a terrible hoarder. The first 2 years of marriage (we're almost to 4 years now) was probably worse here than what you just described. I had no idea how to tackle it as I wasn't taught when I was younger. I know it was my responsibility -and in no way want anyone to think I blame my mom- but I also think parents should consider their child's future living habits, and be sure to teach them how to properly manage a home. It's hard...really really hard.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Well, I hated chores as a kid and I hate them now. But I think I would hate them now regardless of whether I had to do them as a kid or not. It's the third variable issue. The two things are correlated through the third variable...me!

 

They're called chores for a reason...because it's not exactly happy happy fun time. When I was a kid, I learned how to do chores the right way, I learned responsibility, I learned pride at a job well done, I learned what it was like to earn my allowance, I learned that it helped my family a little when I dusted or cleaned the bathroom or whatever. So while I did chores as a kid and hated them, I certainly do not feel scarred by the experience.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I haven't had time to read all the responses yet, but I have to respond.

 

I grew up helping wash dishes on weeknights, and cleaning house, ironing, folding laundry on Saturdays. I've never been resentful. In fact, I think I got off too easy. My parents should have made me do MORE work on weekdays.

 

I wonder how my Dad would respond to such a question??? He grew up with no electricity or running water. He hauled water from the creek when he was old enough to carry a bucket. He chopped wood, not just for a fire to warm the house, but he chopped wood to build a fire in a cook stove for a hot cooked MEAL to eat. He plowed behind a mule as a teenager.

 

And mom? Well, much the same for her. I remember complaining about ironning one day and she told me all about putting real IRON irons on top of the wood fired cook stove to heat and then ironning 100% cotten with that! I don't think I complained about ironning again.

 

I will sound like an old lady (I"m 48) but kids today don't know the meaning of chores, they don't know the meaning of work, they don't know the hardships of life, and they don't understand the comforts we have.

 

Everyone needs to learn the benefit of work!!!!

[eternalknot]

I think personality has something to do it - with how we process expectations, then and now.

 

I had chores as a child. Not set chores, just expectation that I'd pitch in when and where it was needed. I don't necessarily love any chore, but I have the mindset that when it needs to be done - I (or we) do it. I have that same expectation of my kids. If you see something needs to be done, do it. There isn't anything to love or hate about it, it just needs to be done. Like going pee. It just ... is done.

 

My husband had one chore as a child. It was the one and only thing he'd do to help out once we were married. His mom was big on showing her love for her family by doing everything for them. She didn't mind, they didn't mind. It worked for them. It was quite an adjustment during our early marriage because he came to equate love with that type of servitude. Now he hates chores because he still has it in the back of his head that he is only having to do them because someone *ahem* doesn't love him enough to do them for him.

 

It's a crapshoot what the kids will eventually resent you or their childhood for, you know? The best I can do is prepare them for adulthood by teaching certain skills, and hope it all works out in the end. There will be times when I may rely too heavily on them (pregnancy, etc.) or times when I rely too little on them (busy with extracurriculars) but it should all even out in the wash. Hopefully they'll appreciate that, as adults.

[dirty ethel rackham]

VERY interesting thread. I appreciate all that you have shared. It has given me a different perspective...especially for my 11yo. The kid is full of energy and reliable, so she is the one I call on. And yes, she is beginning to resent it. Your experiences have helped me to see things through her eyes.

 

I made a big mistake with my oldest. She was in public school, and I put school and academics first. I felt sorry for her because she was swamped with homework, band practice, cross country practice, early morning (6:30 am) religion class, etc. I rarely gave her housework to do. She knows how to clean, but she isn't consistent. She has no routine. Then, she married a hoarder. The first year of their marriage was a nightmare! There was no path through their house, no place to sit, a kitchen sink full of water and rotting food, cat feces on the floor because her DH wouldn't clean the cat box (dd was pregnant). Thank the LORD it isn't like that anymore. But, she still struggles with routine. Watching her struggle was when I decided I HAD to teach my other girls to be consistent.

.

 

Polly, I don't think you need to take the blame for your daughter's lack of routine. My mom had a strict routine and I still struggle with routines. I think it is the born organized/SHE issue. Some people are born organized and some struggle every inch of the way. My mother could never understand why I was not the neat freak that she was. My younger sister is more like my mom. I swear, it is genetic.

[Mrs Mungo]

I wonder how my Dad would respond to such a question??? He grew up with no electricity or running water. He hauled water from the creek when he was old enough to carry a bucket. He chopped wood, not just for a fire to warm the house, but he chopped wood to build a fire in a cook stove for a hot cooked MEAL to eat. He plowed behind a mule as a teenager.

 

I will agree with this. My grandfather grew up on a farm. When he was around 5 he was supposed to be sitting in the shade of the wagon, watching his baby brother while the rest of the family was working in the field. They got into his mom's basket and found a bottle of cough syrup. It tasted like strawberry pop and they drank it. His mom made him pick 100 pounds of cotton to pay for that bottle of cough syrup. There was an old lady picking in the field with them and when my great-grandmother wasn't looking she would stick some cotton in my grandfather's bag because she felt sorry for him. He told us this story when he was in his eighties and he still sounded grateful to that woman.

[kdeno]

I have a friend who is trying to implement more chores for her kiddos, who range in age from 12 to 5. She is one of those folks who wants great freedom for her kids, and allows them to explore and make tons of messes--but she's not good at saying "no" or "not right now," and so her kids get in to all kinds of things and make her home a disaster. I guess she has rather weak boundaries or something. Anyway, her mom once said to her (as a child) "I'm not your servant!" and df reacted, "Yes you are!" She sees herself as her kids' servant, couching it in Christianity.

I think, tho, that kids learn to serve by BOTH observing/experiencing being served AND serving others. Appropriate chores teach the "serving others" part, and appropriate parenting teaches the "being served" part.

I love my friend dearly, but she is always making her life so difficult by not setting appropriate boundaries.

 

 

DO you know me in real life?

[babysparkler]

My dh never did a single chore as a kid. He always had something "more important" to do... like study or practice piano. It turned him into an excellent musician and he is one of the smartest people I have ever met, but he has never lifted a finger around the house as long as we have been married.

 

In my opinion, LACK OF CHORES causes much resentment... I resent my MIL for never expecting him to chip in around the house and teaching my dh that he can schedule "more important" things and get out of household work and parenting (he never changed a diaper for babies #2-4, never helps put them to bed, etc. etc.) :glare:

 

Don't worry--- I'm working on it! ;)

[Peela]

I think it all has to do with the tone of the home and not the chores themselves. The tone can be set by the parents, but the personalities of the kids will also affect things.

I think its a really valid issue to bring up and its making me have a look. My dh is stressed every. single. day. about our teens not doing their chores properly. He then puts that stress onto the kids with an irritable start to most days, and I naturally feel it too. I am much more easy going. Dh, as a kid, had plenty of chores and wouldnt even consider not doing them- no fighting about them. Yet he didn't have a happy childhood at all. He now battles with the kids and can't really understand why it is like this.

I think the overall tone of the house is more important than anything specific that is happening in it. Chores are not inherently good or bad. If there is a lot of stress and unhappiness around chores, I think it needs to be looked at, for sure.

I liked Flylady for the attitudinal thing. Instead of sending my younger kids in to tidy their bedrooms, and dont come out till its done kind of thing....I learned to go in there with them, put the timer on and show them how to do it. Made all the difference in the world....and I probably need to do it again with my teens more often. Put the timer on, put some music on, and all clean a room together. It's actually fun and amazingly quick.

My kids do all the dishes....but we put an ipod dock in the kitchen, so they can play their music while they do dishes. (It was really for me while I cook, but it works for them too :) )

I agree that mum (or dad) should not be doing all the work while the kids play. But it is the parents job to effectively teach life skills, and there are many ways to skin a cat- with a seriousness and heavy sense of obligation, or with a lightness and sense of humour and playfulness.

I have actually been thinking about this issue lately myself. Knowing how to clean the bathroom isnt the issue...it's caring enough to do it, OR just forming the habit of doing it. I didnt learn to keep my home clean and tidy (relatively) until I lived on my own for 18 months with the kids. I found Flylady and discovered a sense of being house proud and a joy around cleaning and tidying. Before that, I couldnt find a consistent motivation and dh would just nag and I would resent it. Flylady helped me get a good attitude and since then, its not really been a problem for me- I actually enjoy housework. However, my kids don't, particularly. I think there is a power struggle going on between them and their dad though, and that's part of it.

As with all things I think there is a balance to be found. Chores dont have to be so bad, they can be fun...but its not always possible and sometimes they just need to be done, too.

I think I have a lot of compassion for my kids around chores because my own mother was not consistent with me, and I didnt learn to "keep house" well at all. And I was kept in on Saturdays to clean my room, all alone, instead of being taught HOW to keep things tidy. Wheras Dh came from a Born Organised mother and doesn't really empathise with anyone's difficulties around the whole issue.

I dont think its a black and white issue. I do think kids contributing to the household is important. They actually want to when they are little...they want to help so badly- it's innate. I am sure we do something to poison that beautiful and natural spirit as they get older. In some cultures there is not even a word for the concept of "work" as separate from "play". It's just life. Even by calling them "chores" we are setting up a negative expectation.