Surviving when the only-breadwinner goes back to school

[5wolfcubs]

I need some BTDT/doing that success stories...and pitfalls to avoid. I want to be supportive of my dh who is considering going back to school, law school, specifically.

 

He's always a been in the computer programming field and worked for various-sized companies, gov't & private sector. Over the years he has considered going back to school in an entirely different field. But each time he has come to the conclusion that the "cost" is too high -- time, money, effort, security. He's 37 and feels that if he's going to do something, it has to be now...he doesn't want to get up and go to a job he hates for the next 30 years.

 

It would be 1-1.5 years before he could even get in, primarily because he has to take the LSAT. We've talked about me getting some kind of degree/training (I have 2 years of gen ed college, no degree) in that time so that I could work when he went to school. We've talked about him continuing working full-time (possible at one AZ law school) and going to school part time. We've talked about moving. We've talked about money.

 

He doesn't like to rehash things w/ me over and over (I, on the other hand, do!)...so I'm coming here to chat with you all. :D

[dorothy]

My dh decided to go back to get his PhD five years ago. I had worked all along and been a big contributor to our finances up through dc #3. I wanted to be with the dc and homeschool. DH applied and got in to the program with a teaching job. I stopped working and stayed home. He has been working full time and studying 3/4 time since then. We now have four dc. It has been a long, hard, financially-draining ride with two more years to go.

 

I am glad I stuck to being with the dc and hsing. I know that it has been hard for him and he would have finished sooner had I kept working, but I would have missed out on the kids and the hsing experience. So, we have just had to deal. I have been a "married single mom" since then. I do it all - ALL - except make the money. He studies and makes the money. When he has an hour, he plays with the kids, then disappears into his study, the library, etc.

 

Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I am OK. I think that it will be worth it in the end. But I would encourage you to figure out a way to stay with your dc. And, also realize that you will shoulder A LOT if your dh is working and studying. It may be possible and better tfor his program to take three years while he continues to earn and income.

 

Budget now and put as much money as you can away. We did not and have gone into debt for school.

 

One good thing is that the kids can't gripe about having to study hard as I can always point to their dad!

[Quiver0f10]

My DH decided to change careers at age 32 from construction to computers. :D We had 6 kids and I was just a few weeks pregnant at the time. He enrolled full time days and because we had no savings and no money, I tried working outside the home, but that just didn't work for long ( we made it 3 months lol). I opened a daycare instead and DH ended up delivering papers at night. It was very hard work but it was worth every minute and dime spent.

 

Good luck!

[mull-berry-ish]

This reminds me of a coworker of my mom's from the 80's. The couple was in their late 30's with two kids in mid-high/high school. The coworker supported her family while the husband went back to school (law). He graduated and started working in that field and ended up hating it and eventually quitting. It could have been just him but it was an expensive endeavor in time and money. I knew the coworker and just remember how disgusted she was about the whole thing.

 

Back to you ... could your husband look for an IT job in a law firm? Get a feel for it before ... ?

[kalanamak]

This reminds me of a coworker of my mom's from the 80's. The couple was in their late 30's with two kids in mid-high/high school. The coworker supported her family while the husband went back to school (law). He graduated and started working in that field and ended up hating it and eventually quitting.

 

There is so much to do "in that field", I think it was him.

[ncmomo3]

Well....BTDT--TWICE..

Dh went back to get his MA in atmospheric science when the dc were VERY little(1,2 and3).

He is back at it, working on his MBA this time. It is tricky to balance sometimes, as the dc are 12,11,10. He feels strongly that the MBA will be a huge income boost in the end--the MA certainly was a good decision. It can be frustrating when his head is in front of the computer for hours, but he ALWAYS stops when one of the dc want to do something.

I know how the very thought would be stressful for you. It is a sacrifice, but for us, in the end it has been worth it.

PLEASE remind me of my post when I am sick of him being in school this time;)

[Pata]

My dh is back getting his master's and hopefully will graduate this semester, yeah! We have had to downsize to a much smaller apartment and one car. Luckily I can take the bus most places we go. My dh is also driving the bus while going to school. I'm not used to him being gone so much, that was a real adjustment, but we make it work. My only advice is to make a budget and stick with it, the best you can. In the long run it will be worth the sacrifices.

[lollie010]

It would certainly be a hard road and difficult sacrifice, but...when I was in law school there were a few "older" students with backgrounds in computer programming. Across the board they excelled and got great job offers when they finished. The school I graduated from had a part-time program. This might have been just at this particular school, but there were some challenges for part-time students when it came to the interview process. Most of them had already been working for/with attorneys and had jobs lined up before they even started. Some who did not have employment already lined up realized that it was going to be harder to get a job and decided to enroll full-time after the first year. It would really depend on his particular goals and the employment environment. Let me know if you have specific "law school" questions. It really could be a great opportunity if its at all possible to make it financially.

 

Laurel T.

[5wolfcubs]

Thank you all so much!

 

Dorothy, I do want to stay home & continue hsing...that is what he wants too. I just feel like I should be "supportive" by making money.

 

I'm glad to know that some of you have done this/are doing this. I want him to get up and want to go to work, not dread it. :)

[Barb_]

We did it and lived to tell about it! Dh just finished his MBA while working full time. The only possible way was to take hybrid classes. He only met once a week and picked up his assignments and participated in discussions online the rest of the week. Don't know if that is an option for law school or not. But he took 2 classes at a time for 8 weeks, then had 2-3 weeks off in between. It came out to the same as a full load of courses over the course of the year. There were times when it was stressful and he didn't sleep much. I had to take over a lot more of the household stuff and a year after moving, a lot of it is still in boxes in the dining room and garage.

 

But you know what? I wouldn't change anything. He loved what he got out of it, and I loved how animated and happy he was while being challenged with all this new material after so many years. I'd love to go back myself, but alas, it isn't currently that season for me. We're crazy. He just signed up for another tour of duty last month and is working on a Masters in Leadership next. Half time though :)

 

Barb

[Amy in NY]

but instead started his own business. We used our savings the first year and I had to go back to work (as a nurse) almost full-time. The second year was much better and I worked about 20 hours/week. This past year was rough - I took time off to have a baby and dh took a bunny-track w/no income for 6 months - so I am back at work full-time. It's rough.

 

But my situation is a bit different since I already have training. Beth in NY, who doesn't post anymore, went through this when her dh retired from the Navy. He went to school for 2 years. She took in a daycare kid and also tutored several students. It was a lot of work but worth it. If I could tolerate having other people's children in my house (Boy, that sounds awful, doesn't it?), I would go that route. I really miss being home.

 

I would also suggest (if others haven't already) that you trim your budget now and get used it before the change. That was one of the hardest adjustments for myself and my children.

 

Best of luck to you!

Amy

[angela in ohio]

Up until this year, dh has been in school much of our marriage. We started out with a baby, him working full-time and going to school full-time, and me working part-time. Then he graduated and was out of school (and only working three jobs) for a few years. Then he went back to grad school, while working one full-time and one part-time job (with a small business on the side.) It paid off, though, as he was promoted to a position that paid enough for him to only work one job. :D

 

We did it by staying in a very small house long after we outgrew it and living simply. It has been worth the sacrifice many times over, though.

[King Alfred Academy]

We are on this road now, except that dh had to finish his BA first. That was four years ago and he will be graduating with honors with 2 BA...French and English...in a few months!! We are still waiting to see where Graduate school is taking us...he has 5 more years to get his PhD.

 

For us, this has been the best decision. He is happier, doing something he enjoys (learning), and is working towards a goal. It has been a very long, hard road, but I feel it has made us stronger, as people and as a couple. We have really had to rely on each other and communicate. He understands that it isn't just him going to school, it's me and the boys as well. It is a sacrifice we have all had to make. We have had to move into a less desirable apartment (teeny, tiny) and have had to live on a very strict budget. When we move in the fall...to only God knows where!...we will probably move into student housing :eek:, go down to one car again, and I'll have to work p/t at night. But, in the end, it'll all be worth it...right!?

 

If this is the route you choose to take, it can be done! You can do it, Lee! And you can be supportive without making money...look at all you do now! And when my dh is at home but studying, I am supportive by keeping the boys occupied so he can concentrate. He also use to help out more with laundry, dishes, and such, but I have chosen to take more of that on to free him up a bit...he goes to school f/t and works 2 p/t jobs.

 

Keep us posted on the decision process! I was encouraged by reading these posts just knowing there are others out there!

[DIY-DY]

...I do want to stay home & continue hsing...that is what he wants too. I just feel like I should be "supportive" by making money.

 

I'm glad to know that some of you have done this/are doing this. I want him to get up and want to go to work, not dread it. :)

 

Looking back over our shoulders, now, it was worth. every. moment. It was a long, hard, stressful four years - no doubt about that, at all. But wow, what a difference it is to have him where he is now, happier, better supported in his employment, doing something that interests him. I wouldn't trade it.

 

I struggled w/ the desire to "help" by bringing in money, too. And I actually tried a couple of times to do it. What we found was that the added stressors of child care, sick children, juggling schedules, sharing responsibilities... all added up to make life a Whole Lot MORE Stressful for DH. It wasn't worth the money I could make. I asked him one day how I could best support him, and here's some of his list:

* Stay home.

* Manage well what money we do have.

* Love the kids.

* Keep them safe.

* Keep us all fed well. :)

* Don't let me run out of clean underwear.

* Remind me we'll be alright. It helps to hear it from you.

* Don't begrudge me study sessions or time away from home, believe me, I don't want to be gone anymore than you want me to.

 

So, that's what I focused on, and it did make the last two years *significantly* easier on all of us.

 

DH got to know the faculty. The Financial Aid director and several professors came to know DH as more than a student ID, and that helped when the Scholarship Fairy came visiting. She's pretty cool, and brings way better gifts than the Tooth Fairy ever did!

 

DH tried the Work Study program through his school, but the pay was lousy. He found better pay outside the school, and kept working through all four years. I have no idea how the man did it. In the summers, and during breaks, he worked two or three jobs - if he didn't have work one day, he would line up outside the Dept. of Econ. Security and work in the day labor pool. Whatever it took.

 

And I, in the meantime, did what the others here have said - did it all at home, basically did the single parenting gig, but remained available and on-call for DH. If he called and said, "Hey, my one o'clock class just cancelled, can you bring the kids over for a bit?" I did. We spent a lot of time on campus, actually, and the kids became little mascots for the place.

 

Don't be afraid to network. We had a few non-trad. student families who also were in the same boat, and it was nice to have our twice-yearly "Finals Week Widows BBQ", or to have somebody who understood how important it was to *not* whine about the situation to DH and would instead remind you that it's temporary, it's good, it's temporary... ;) DH also brought home quite a few orphans - and while it was like having extra kids in some ways (I'd never had an impromptu basketball game erupt in my driveway before!), their presence was fantastic for the boys, and we enjoyed having them around so much.

 

Basically, we built for ourselves a lifestyle that we could support short-term, with the goal in mind that we're just passing through, but that it could still be good while we were there. That was an intentional process, and I truly believe, looking back, that it did much to enhance the whole experience, as well as help us keep our sanity.

 

HTH,

Dy

[King Alfred Academy]

Dy...you have NO idea how much *I* needed to hear all of this. I am struggling with being in the "supportive" role right now and this was very encouraging for me to read. The list your husband gave you is exactly the same list my dh gave me! Although I have let him run out of clean underware! ooopps!

Unfortunately for us, in the four years we have been doing this, we haven't been able to find the untraditional students. However, we have made some great, much younger friends who love our boys greatly! And offer FREE babysitting!

Anyhow, thank you!

[Scarlett]

Ok, maybe I shouldn't say this...but to me, your dh going back to school at this point in your life, especially since he already has a fine degree and fine earning power...well, it seems like an luxury.

 

My dh has a Computer Science Degree, but he is in Management and doesn't do much actual programming anymore. He didn't get his degree until he was 34 years old and could never decide what he wanted to do. Even now when I ask him what he would LOVE to do he talks about the satisfaction he felt making luxury cars into limos vs. the grind of corporate life. However, he feels he needs to make money more than he needs to love his job every single day. He isn't miserable. He doesn't HATE it. But if he had his choice he would probably do custom work on motorcycles, or classic cars, or open a bait shop on the lake.

 

I would think that if your dh doesn't like the particular industry he is in he could change....as in go to work for a law firm and get into some paralegal work or something like that. I have a friend whose dh works for a lawyer and does A LOT of the cool legal work even though he isn't an actual lawyer. He really wants to go back to law school, but his wife is chronically ill and well, this just isn't the season.

 

I just can't see stressing out the family and going further into debt just because he might be having some regrets about his career choice.

 

And if I'm way off base, and you totally 100% support his thinking, then just ignore me. However, if you might be thinking he is being unreasonable...I just wanted to let you know someone else is there with ya. :)

[5wolfcubs]

Ok, maybe I shouldn't say this...but to me, your dh going back to school at this point in your life, especially since he already has a fine degree and fine earning power...well, it seems like an luxury.

 

You bring up some very good points, Scarlett. My dh already has a degree and earns good money and has quite a few dependents here. Each time he has considered going back to school it always ends at to needing to provide for his family more then needing to have a job he loves. I'm guessing it is no longer enough for him...coming home and playing World of Warcraft until midnight every night just isn't cutting it. :) Right now my dh isn't learning anything and has no goals...I think, like Brittney's dh, if he had those, he'd be happier.

 

Time will tell on this. Thanks for sharing...

[StephanieZ]

while we had our first two dc (and I wasn't working). We took out a LOT of student loans and we also cashed in some stocks I had been gifted by my dad.

 

I.e., we spent all we had and went into a lot of debt. :) So what? You're young; you'll pay it back and save it up all over again later on. Just don't plan to retire early. :)

 

In my more irreverent moods, I tell people; "That's why God makes student loans." I figure that the truly important thing is you, your dh & dc. The money stuff always works itself out eventually. If I had time to plan ahead, as you do, I'd start squirrelling away $ ASAP and thinking longterm about hs and other purchases so I'd have a stockpile of curricula, books, etc to draw on when $ is tighter.

 

Also, it is perfectly possible to work at least PT if not FT while in law school. A friend went back for his law degree a few years ago. He worked full time as a pharmacist (one week on one week off; long overnight shifts) while going full time to law school (UVA, a very good one) which was a 3 hour commute from home. He is incredibly driven. :) He graduated on time, failed the bar on the first try and never got around to retaking it b/c he realized he'd have to take a 50% salary cut from his senior pharmacist salary to a starting lawyer salary. :( 5years later he's totally successful still in pharmacy and has a more senior management job that perhaps his law degree helped him land.

 

My dh worked 15-25 hrs a week through vet school and FT in the summer, until his last year when clinical rotations precluded working. It was grueling and we were younger and tougher back then and my dh is really smart and vet school was easy for him. Working PT and being an involved dad wouldn't have been possible for some of the younger students (who had less experience being a student and therefore knowing how/what to study) who had to work a lot harder to do well. . . But, for my dh and for others I've known, they've been able to work a good bit and still graduate towards the top of their class.

 

For us, the extra $15-20,000/yr he earned then by working PT, plus the Earned Income Tax Credit that netted us a couple extra $1000. . . helped a lot. And, we maxed out every kind of student loan. . . So, we were able to live quite comfortably all considered. And, now, he has a career he truly loves and he and I both know I supported that when it counted.