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Anyone else's BF a man?

 

I'm not talking about your DH or a relative.

 

My BF is a man and I am wondering if it is odd. My DH knows he is my best friend and I tell my DH everything we discuss which includes things like my BF's girlfriend, music (my BF is the pianist and I am the music director at our church), books, movies, my kids, ect... just like you would if your BF was a woman. I have always had very close male friends and feel more at ease talking to men.

 

Is this normal or odd?

 

Maybe it is because my dad raised me?

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My best friends are women, but I am jealous of you. My husband accuses me of having boyfriends/affairs if I start talking to guys. There are a couple of men whom I have known for years (as in, since before I ever met my husband) that I would love to be closer to, but I have to pick my battles. I would say you are lucky.

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My bfs are always men. But I'm not married. When I do get married, I would expect my hubby to be my best friend.

 

I am more comfortable talking to men, too. Really, though, I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't my best friend.

 

If you were to get married would you drop you male friends? My DH is my main BF, but I just don't seem to bond with women. Sometimes I think women expect more out of a friendship than I can give, where as a man gives you a little more space without any "drama".

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I have always had good male friends. Today I consider my husband to be my best friend, but I have a couple of guys I enjoy having coffee with. For the most part, I'm friends with their wives, too, but the connection is between me and the guys. We know each other professionally as well as personally. My husband knows them and has a relation with them as well. I treat them like brothers.

 

My husband has had female friends from time to time. I make a point to be friendly with them, too.

 

Both of us are very careful to keep our relationships with others of the opposite sex very platonic and brotherly/sisterly. We are quite open about every friendship we have, male or female.

 

It sounds like it wouldn't work, and for most people it might not, but for us--it works.

 

If my mother could have handled it, my maid of honor would have been male. I wish I had made it so because we are still good friends.

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If you were to get married would you drop you male friends? My DH is my main BF, but I just don't seem to bond with women. Sometimes I think women expect more out of a friendship than I can give, where as a man gives you a little more space without any "drama".

 

 

When I get married, I wouldn't be hanging around with them without my hubby. "I want alone time with my male friend without you" doesn't sound too good. The more the merrier in my mind anyway.

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Most of my friends are male. My problem is that husband keeps stealing them! :D For real. I even have to stake my claim now, when I hear he's emailing and planning to do things with my guy friends -- "Oh no. You already stole Bill, Mike, and DuWayne."

 

And really, I wouldn't care, but he steals them (as in becomes the primary contact for our family) and then he doesn't keep in as good a touch with them as I formerly did! Then my husband says to me, "I haven't heard from Mike in months. Why haven't you invited him and his wife over?" It is comical!

 

We've been married for 8 years. We like the same kind of people. Many of my interests and skills are more male-dominated, so that's why I think I end up with more male friends.

 

But, I would suggest there is a clear code of conduct that the opposite gender friend must adhere to so as not to become a problem in the other person's relationship. My husband and I have discussed how certain women and certain men can't be in our inner circle because they violate the code (too friendly, try to have inside jokes with one of us, etc.)

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Nearly 16 years into our marriage, I wouldn't say I have guy friends. I definitely don't have a male BF. Dh and I are friends with other families. Neither of us would be seen in public alone with someone of the opposite sex. That is just our own thing. I can't even imagine it. I do not have many "girl" friends. I'm not a girly girl. I understand men better but would still not befriend a man.

 

My husband works with ALL women and yet he will not even ride in a car alone with one of them. He will ride with a group of co-workers (all women) to a seminar or a lunch meeting. The same goes for me. I won't even enter my BF's home if only her husband is home (BTW that is reciprocal). Guess we were all raised to avoid the appearance of inappropriate behavior and to protect one's reputation.

 

I'm probably very old school and am willing to acknowledge that couples can work things differently to no ill effect.

Edited by Daisy
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18 1/2 years

 

Why?

 

And I have had male bf's since we have been married. It is not a new situation.

 

I seem to have more in common w/ guys, too. Before we were married, most of my friends were guys. Since then? Mostly I haven't had friends. My focus has shifted to kids, diapers, & hs'ing--a temporary shift--but not one that offers much in common w/ guys any more. At a group thing, the guys' conversations are usually more interesting, but...I don't know. I don't stick as well as I used to.

 

I would imagine that there's a risk to having male friends, esp as your more intimate friends. You get emotionally involved, & then if there's a problem between you & your dh, the friend starts looking pretty heroic, kwim?

 

But if you've been married that long, then...what do I know? :lol: I guess I was asking so I didn't put my foot in my mouth. Honestly? I haven't ever heard of such, so while I don't think your feelings about guys vs girls is all that uncommon (almost all the women I meet these days say the same thing), the fact of your continued friendship w/ guys would be rare in my tiny world. :001_smile:

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Nope. My best friend is SpecialMama, with two other close friends that live either across country, or in the States.

 

I'm another one of the 'old fashioned' women. I would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if my dh had a woman friend that he got together with, etc. It would be a no go for me. Call me insecure, whatever, but emotional affairs have started with less...not to mention the potential for a physical affair.

 

He can go out for volleyball with the guys, hang out and watch a game, whatever...but if he were going for coffee with a woman, all holy Hades would break loose. I can say that he'd be exactly the same way if I were getting together with a guy too.

 

For me, its not even a tempting situation.

 

Before I was married, I had really close guy friends. The move across country ended that...but I can also say that if I'd gotten married, I would have distanced myself from them too.

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I seem to have more in common w/ guys, too. Before we were married, most of my friends were guys. Since then? Mostly I haven't had friends. My focus has shifted to kids, diapers, & hs'ing--a temporary shift--but not one that offers much in common w/ guys any more. At a group thing, the guys' conversations are usually more interesting, but...I don't know. I don't stick as well as I used to.

 

I would imagine that there's a risk to having male friends, esp as your more intimate friends. You get emotionally involved, & then if there's a problem between you & your dh, the friend starts looking pretty heroic, kwim?

 

But if you've been married that long, then...what do I know? :lol: I guess I was asking so I didn't put my foot in my mouth. Honestly? I haven't ever heard of such, so while I don't think your feelings about guys vs girls is all that uncommon (almost all the women I meet these days say the same thing), the fact of your continued friendship w/ guys would be rare in my tiny world. :001_smile:

 

Aubrey, this is why I like this forum so much. I have a feeling that I could find lots of women BF's if the women on this forum were IRL...KWIM?

 

Where are you women IRL?????:D

 

I have participated in all the dicussion on personality (Myers-Briggs) we had several months ago and we seem to be a very "disgunished" lot of women! I think all the women INTJ's are on this forum! This is the main reason I think men make more sense to me.

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Aubrey, this is why I like this forum so much. I have a feeling that I could find lots of women BF's if the women on this forum were IRL...KWIM?

 

Where are you women IRL?????:D

 

I have participated in all the dicussion on personality (Myers-Briggs) we had several months ago and we seem to be a very "disgunished" lot of women! I think all the women INTJ's are on this forum! This is the main reason I think men make more sense to me.

 

Well...I'm INTJ, but I don't know that I'd get along super well w/ one. I mean, I like *me* lol, but...I think I'd stress me out, if I had to put up w/ me.

 

My closest female friends (few & far between) have had similar personalities to my dh. I guess it's a personality I get along w/ (or that can put up w/ me?), but conversations w/ these women also help me understand/talk to dh better. They tell me about their arguments w/ their dh's, & I see dh's side of our own arguments, lol. And when I feel sorry for my friends for being married to such intense people, I go home a little nicer to my own dh. :D

 

Being married to my bf, when I get along better w/ men, makes for a very intense, in-your-face relationship sometimes. We almost didn't get married when we couldn't agree on whether the fact of the blueness of the Bic pen was truth or Truth. :001_huh: Turns out *somebody* wasn't really listening. :glare:

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Most of my good friends are male. To be honest most of the women who I am friends with like to hang out and chat about their families, pop culture and each other. When I am out by myself I prefer to actually do something and not discuss whether I vax my kids or which shoes Angelina Jolie was wearing in the last People mag.

 

My best friend is my roommate from college (and I consider my relationship with my husband to be different than a friend...he is my spouse, a special category).

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Well, to be honest I did have a Best Man on my side of the wedding. That said, we have been married to other people for 15+ years. We keep in touch through FB but we live thousands of miles apart. There NEVER was any romantic feelings. We always had more of the sibling relationship. And even now, if I were to see him in person, I would not visit with him without my husband or his wife being present.

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Well, to be honest I did have a Best Man on my side of the wedding. That said, we have been married to other people for 15+ years. We keep in touch through FB but we live thousands of miles apart. There NEVER was any romantic feelings. We always had more of the sibling relationship. And even now, if I were to see him in person, I would not visit with him without my husband or his wife being present.

 

So did I! But it was my bro, because dh had too many groomsmen & my sis wasn't going to be in the wedding. (Long, crazy story, things are fine now, & she at least came.)

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Most of my friends are male. My problem is that husband keeps stealing them! :D For real. I even have to stake my claim now, when I hear he's emailing and planning to do things with my guy friends -- "Oh no. You already stole Bill, Mike, and DuWayne."

 

And really, I wouldn't care, but he steals them (as in becomes the primary contact for our family) and then he doesn't keep in as good a touch with them as I formerly did! Then my husband says to me, "I haven't heard from Mike in months. Why haven't you invited him and his wife over?" It is comical!

 

We've been married for 8 years. We like the same kind of people. Many of my interests and skills are more male-dominated, so that's why I think I end up with more male friends.

 

But, I would suggest there is a clear code of conduct that the opposite gender friend must adhere to so as not to become a problem in the other person's relationship. My husband and I have discussed how certain women and certain men can't be in our inner circle because they violate the code (too friendly, try to have inside jokes with one of us, etc.)

 

This is how I am with my dh's friends. I love to chat with them when they call for dh, but their wives: yuck! Hehe. My husband and I have a long running joke that I'm the man and he is the woman. I'm always the logical one, while he is emotional!

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My bff is a woman. But growing up and all through high school one of my best friends was a guy. In high school, his girlfriend (who is now his wife) didn't like it at all that we were so close. There was NEVER anything inappropriate in our relationship; she was just super jealous. Unfortunately, after he got married, we lost touch. It still makes me sad. I see his parents often, and they let me know how he is doing.

 

I admire you! I wouldn't worry about it being odd. Who cares? :D

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Before having kids, I tended to have more/closer male friends than female ones. I used to say I was kind of like Elaine from Seinfeld. When I was first married, my best friends besides DH were definitely men. Once I had kids, I just stopped having a lot of contact with potential men friends on a day to day basis, so things have shifted, but not out of any kind of conscious choice or anything. I kind of miss having more guys to hang out with, even though I love my women friends.

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I say if that is how you roll and your hubby is fine with it why should you care what others think??:glare: My husband and I are married now for 24 years and we are each others best friends :D That is how we roll and how we enjoy our life :) So who is to say yay or nay to your happiness :tongue_smilie: Only you can be your own judge :lol:

Lisa

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Who cares what anyone else thinks?

 

I have two best male friends and I'm also best friends with their wives. But I was best friends with them first, before they got married. My Dh doesn't blink at it, he's friends with them now, too (they were my friends I brought into the marriage.)

 

So, for over 18 years I've been BF with two guys and we all went and married other people and are now all BFs (dh and I've been married 15 yrs). So, no, there doesn't have to always be something sneaky going on.

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I have many male friends, and honestly I've always had closer relationships with them than my female friends. I guess I find with other women there is always this level of competition there that I don't have with male friends. I've had many female friends betray my trust. My male friends have been far more loyal. Obviously DH is my absolute best friend, but I have male friends I spend time with. Most of the time DH is around because he's friends with them too, but occasionally he's not & he's fine with that. I don't think it's strange at all :)

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I had lots of good male friends before I met DH and got married. Now, though, it would feel uncomfortable to me to have a male friend that DH wasn't also friends with, and that I got together with on my own. I would not want him to have a female friend like that.

 

Here's another thing-- with many of my pre-DH men friends, I would eventually find out that they did not see the relationship as completely platonic. Not that we weren't "just friends", but that deep down there was a little bit of attraction. So I'd be really curious as to why a happily married man, or a single man, would want a married woman as his bff. And if he is happily married, who are the wives that they are fine with him doing this?

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Anyone else's BF a man?

 

I'm not talking about your DH or a relative.

 

My BF is a man and I am wondering if it is odd. My DH knows he is my best friend and I tell my DH everything we discuss which includes things like my BF's girlfriend, music (my BF is the pianist and I am the music director at our church), books, movies, my kids, ect... just like you would if your BF was a woman. I have always had very close male friends and feel more at ease talking to men.

 

Is this normal or odd?

 

Maybe it is because my dad raised me?

 

All my bfs were men - before dh, that is. He doesn't have a strong enough self esteem to handle that sort of thing, so 17 years ago, I ditched all my friends over a period of time. And go figure, now I have no bfs, just a couple of sort of irl friends (who happen to be girls) - not the same. The big difference I've noticed is that my girl friends want to talk about themselves, so its a one sided conversation where I listen and they talk. Guys are willing to listen til thier ears fall off, and are willing to share thier own stories. Its nice when the conversation goes both ways, kwim?

 

I guess, because of my own situation, I think its unusual. Not necessarily wierd, though.

 

Are you asking because your dh does have a prob with it? I can honestly say that at this point in my marriage, if dh came to me and said his bf was a girl - well, I'd hit the roof. Not that that is the right answer at all - just mine (after all this time).

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My bff now is my dh, but in high school I had a very close, platonic relationship with a guy, back then I just got along better with the guys.

 

Strangely enough, now that I'm married I find I'm able to have closer relationships with women. Back when I was young I just never had anything in common with "the girls" but now that I'm married, I find we can connect over parenting issues and that facilitates a deeper relationship.

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I had lots of good male friends before I met DH and got married. Now, though, it would feel uncomfortable to me to have a male friend that DH wasn't also friends with, and that I got together with on my own. I would not want him to have a female friend like that.

 

Here's another thing-- with many of my pre-DH men friends, I would eventually find out that they did not see the relationship as completely platonic. Not that we weren't "just friends", but that deep down there was a little bit of attraction. So I'd be really curious as to why a happily married man, or a single man, would want a married woman as his bff. And if he is happily married, who are the wives that they are fine with him doing this?

 

This is almost exactly what I was going to say. I always got along better with men, before I was married. However, now that I am married, I make a real effort to befriend woman only. Sure men are easier to get along with, but to me that is not a good enough reason to have such close relationships with them. ALL of the men I was friends with would have loved to be more than just friends (many of them, I had no idea until years later). I would not want in a moment of weakness or a rough patch in our marriage, to have another man so readily avalible to fill a void. It's just not worth it.

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I had lots of good male friends before I met DH and got married. Now, though, it would feel uncomfortable to me to have a male friend that DH wasn't also friends with, and that I got together with on my own. I would not want him to have a female friend like that.

 

Here's another thing-- with many of my pre-DH men friends, I would eventually find out that they did not see the relationship as completely platonic. Not that we weren't "just friends", but that deep down there was a little bit of attraction. So I'd be really curious as to why a happily married man, or a single man, would want a married woman as his bff. And if he is happily married, who are the wives that they are fine with him doing this?

 

:iagree: It is harder for me to be friends with women. There are a few women at our church that I can relate to, so that helps. I had several male friends before marriage, and we were "just friends", but I have found since then that they thought or hoped there was more. It really surprised me. So for me, it's just the few women I can relate to and my husband.

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I'm another one of the 'old fashioned' women. I would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable if my dh had a woman friend that he got together with, etc. It would be a no go for me. Call me insecure, whatever, but emotional affairs have started with less...not to mention the potential for a physical affair.

 

He can go out for volleyball with the guys, hang out and watch a game, whatever...but if he were going for coffee with a woman, all holy Hades would break loose. I can say that he'd be exactly the same way if I were getting together with a guy too.

 

For me, its not even a tempting situation.

 

 

 

:iagree: with everything she said. Personally, I do not feel that married women should be close friends with men other than their husbands. It just opens too many doors for possible feelings to emerge.

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I worked for years in engineering. Lots of male friends. I went to seminary for my MDiv. Lots of male friends. I am still friends with many of my male friends from those years, esp. with the pastors that I met in seminary. But my friendships have changed a bit. I did not have feelings for these men but I found out later that some of them did have feelings for me. And I found out that many of their wives (that they married after we already knew each other) were threatened by me. So I backed off big time. I became friends with the wives. It helps that I genuinely like these women. There is a group of us from seminary that get together every year. I do sit and talk "shop" with the guys, something I love to do. But I also make sure that I spend time talking with the wives too. As my family has grown, so has my tolerance for talk about family relationships and other more "girly" talk. I also talk on the phone to both the wives and the men a few times a year. I always make sure I talk to the wife too if she is there. And if she's not, I make sure I leave a message to send my love to her.

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Before marriage my BFFs were mostly male. I still get along better with men than women. I personally don't think there is anything odd about having a male bff (I dislike the term bff, but using to distinguish from bf - boyfriend), however it wouldn't work in my marriage. I know "I" wouldn't want dh to have a female bff, I'd be jealous and vice versa. My best friend at the time (a guy) introduced dh and I and served as his groomsman.

 

I do have male friends but most of our socialization is done in groups.

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would you feel comfortable if you DH's best friend were a woman?

 

Nope, I would NOT want DH to have a woman best friend. It is not that I don't trust him. It's just that relationships eb and flow and if ours was on an eb, would the "friend" be more "interesting" then normal? People are week. Why put yourself in a compromizing situaion that eventually might be tempting? Therefore, I would never consider having a man for a "best friend." Our friendships with the other sex are in couple and group situations. I just think it's playing with fire in most cases. Now I'm not saying it's not EVER okay or safe, but in most cases, not wise at all.

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I had a number of male mentors during my research lab days that became close friends, but I changed jobs a few months after marrying DH and avoided that sort of thing after that. In each case they were older and very fatherly towards me, so it was a little different. IMHO I needed to make DH my "main" man after marriage though, and I did.

 

We both have some good work friends of the opposite sex, but not close friends. When we go out to lunch or call them during non-work hours, we always tell each other for accountability.

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My BF is female, BUT, I have many male close friends. They are still my close friends. I grew up on the mission field and went to a missionary kid boarding school. We lived there.....like brothers and sisters.

 

These relationships don't upset my husband at all. He knows them all well and if they come to town he wouldn't care if I met them for dinner or whatever.

 

Dawn

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Guest Cindie2dds
My DH is my main BF, but I just don't seem to bond with women. Sometimes I think women expect more out of a friendship than I can give, where as a man gives you a little more space without any "drama".

 

:iagree: Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth! This is exactly how I feel. DH is my BF. I would just be careful. If you are too emotionally intimate with another man, you can put yourself in situations that you would never be in with just an ordinary guy. Protect your heart.

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I could so easily be there.

 

When I'm at a mixed-gender gathering, I have to consciously decide to hang out with the ladies. I find myself more interested in what the guys are discussing than listening to what the ladies are talking about.

 

I have three sons, no daughters, I love almost all sports (not boxing or fighting), I was a mechanical engineer, I'm not into home decorating, I don't think about things like centerpieces on the table, etc.

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When I was in college and grad school, most of my friends were guys. In fact, I married one of them! ;) Afterwards, we moved to another state and everyone went their separate ways, got married, etc.

 

Now all of our friends are married couples from our church. In a couple of those friendships, I do have more in common with the men than I do their wives. We're not emotionally close or anything, but I do occasionally spend time on the phone with them talking about our common interests (music, for example).

 

If I did have close male friends, I would not spend time alone with them now that I'm married. I feel that it would be unwise and inappropriate to do so.

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We've been married 31 years. I wouldn't consider having a male best friend and neither would dh consider a woman for his best friend. I had male "friends" in high school, and they all had an agenda.

 

I don't mind hanging out with girls at all, mostly my favorite friends are younger than me, provide me with babies to play with and don't know crap about horses.

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Any male friends I have are "our" friends, same with any female friends DH has. He has female co-workers that he chats with, but he keeps it light and doesn't have lunch with them or spend any time alone with them. Neither of us would spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex. We don't have lengthy email exchanges with opposite sex friends either--I will include DH if a discussion goes past a few brief exchanges. Same for phone conversations.

 

This is not because we don't trust each other, it is partly (as someone else said) out of respect for one another and to avoid the appearance of impropriety, and partly because we've seen great marriages fall apart in a matter of months due to infidelity. For both of us, our marriage is far more important than any benefits that can be gained in a friendship. And most of our friends live by the same code, so it really hasn't been an issue.

 

I'm not saying it can't work any other way, but I think it would be easy for me personally, in a moment of frustration or after a fight, to develop a connection with a guy friend that I could prefer over my husband, which could lead to an affair. And I think he could say the same thing--that it's easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. So for us, it's not that we don't have those friendships, but we put limits on them and they're not our BFs.

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In my former life I was a military pilot. I was the only girl at my unit for a long time, so go figure, all my friends were men. When I left that life for my current (and even better!!) life I left that world behind. It was hard. Really hard. I speak man, not woman a lot , if not all, of the time. That burned me when my friends became the mommy club and I wasn't savvy about the social circles of women (lame of me, but 15 years of living with men leaves an impact). But really, should I be calling my old male friends and catching up? Would their wives appreciate that? Would it help them for me to email them and keep in touch? I didn't (and don't) feel that it showed my husband, my friends or their wives any respect. We went through a lot together, we served together and there are lots of inside stories only they would appreciate. But, those days are over and my life is here, now. I think my stance has made it easier on everyone around me. I wouldn't appreciate DH keeping in touch with old lady friends, so I deserve him the respect of not doing it to him. And for what it's worth, after years of trial and error, God has brought me some wonderful women friends who are closer than sisters, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

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Mine is. He pre-dates my husband by several years (childhood) and it's pretty well-accepted by all of us that this friend functions as a brother-type. No need for worry there!

 

Most of my friends have always been male, in part because I grew up in a cluster of brothers close in age to me. We shared friends, mostly male. Some of those male friends were befriended (separately) by my husband, and they later introduced the two of us :) he knows they are no threat to our relationship, even now that we are separated.

 

We take it on a case-by-case basis, rather than having a general unwritten rule that either of us not hang out too much with a friend of the opposite gender. There has been one male that my husband asked me not to hang around with, and I respected that. I've never felt threatened by any of his female friends.

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