behavior expectations for kids at your church

[msjones]

Are the kids disruptive and disrespectful at your church's activities? I mean Sunday School, mid-week ministries to kids, etc. -- not children's behavior in the church service.

 

If yes, do you just look the other way? Complain? Try to help?

 

We have a lot of problems at our large church, and I'm trying to get a sense of whether this is a widespread problem.

[the4Rs]

Our church was going through this too. It got so bad that we realized if people were coming to visit our church they wouldn't be able to tell the difference between kids who were raised in Christian homes and those who weren't. I complained about it because I was teaching Sunday School so I saw it more and it really bothered me.

 

Some examples: all of the kids in our high school youth group behaved one way at church and completely different at school (small church and we have teachers at our church-that's how we know), we had MAJOR problems with the junior high age group and that was the group I was teaching. We had kids smacking each other in the face, calling each other names, being disrespectful to adults on a regular basis, etc.

 

Our church leaders and many others finally had enough of this behavior and we wrote up a behavior contract for the kids. That and we ended up splitting up the junior boys and girls and they are not allowed together for classes anymore. That helped immensely. Our church is also focusing more on discipleship and missions and we are seeing more of a turn around in behavior.

 

It angered me that Christian parents were allowing their kids to behave so inappropriately and it really hurt our ministry. But it is sad that we even had to get to that point. Kids bring all kinds of junk with them from outside influences.

 

Edited to add: This may all sound drastic but we cannot as a society excuse this kind of behavior. You know??? Once we sent the behavior contracts home we saw parents starting to step up and parent their kids at church. It got a lot of people's attention.

 

Prayer and action have helped. Don't ignore it. It only gets worse. We also cut a lot of kids activities until they showed improvement in behavior.

Edited November 10, 2009 by the4Rs

[Mom In Missouri]

I applaud your congregation and the leadership that choose to take a stand rather than run the politically correct race.

 

What a difference this will make in years to come.

[Ellie]

We expect dc to behave. They don't have to be perfect, but they do have to behave. Adults are allowed to correct dc who are playing tag in the sanctuary; I have been known to call them down if they race through the front door and down the hall, and require them to walk quietly back to the door. :-) We gently admonish them to not wiggle so much during church. Once an older, teen-age sister was correcting her younger brother (her parents had given her the authority to do so), and he totally ignored her, so I called him on it (she thanked me). Mind you, we only have a handful of children, who have all been attending this church since they were in utero, and all of the adults are like parents, KWIM?

[Daisy]

There is a discipline policy in place and it appears to work. Yes, I know from first hand experience. :blushing:

 

My son stuck his tongue out at his Sunday school teacher the week before last. We were told he was being disrespectful and the expectation was that we would deal with it. And oh yeh, did we ever.

 

He was busted. Got to be his Dad's shadow all week long and then had to apologize to his Sunday school teacher this past week.

 

I'm thinking our church wouldn't tolerate too much misbehaving (hooray!!). I think it helps to have clear expectations in place. The children know exactly what sequence is going to occur (time-out, getting a talking to by director, parents called, etc.). Our church is smaller though.

 

When we went to the MEGA church for 12 years stuff happened all the time. You just can't keep up with 30 kids in a classroom with 2 adults.

[Rosy]

I would say the kids at my church are pretty well-behaved. I have been involved with our Children's Ministry in some form for 5 years and I've run into the occasional child that doesn't behave and doesn't improve with correction, but they're rare and usually kids whose parents are not regular attenders.

 

I've been teaching 1st/2nd for just over 2 years and currently my son is the worst-behaved kid in my class. :P I know he does better when I'm not his teacher, though he's been struggling in his other classes at church lately. For the most part, the kids will do what they're told and if they don't, I can gain compliance pretty easily. Usually the worst I have to do is separate the boys and do the "if you can hear my voice, touch your nose" bit.

 

Also, I've yet to run into a parent at our church who responded badly when told about their kids' misbehavior.

[msjones]

We've got problems.

We've been helping a lot and are very disappointed at the behavior allowed by the staff. Some of the kids (not all, of course, but enough) are persistently disruptive, blatantly refuse to follow directions, and amusedly disrespectful to the adults in charge.

 

The staff is moderately concerned, but also feels that this is just "4th grade boy stuff." :confused:

 

There are kids who won't come to the kids' program due to the level of disruption and chaos. There is a real problem getting parents to help. Who wants to be the leader in that kind of setting?

 

My husband and I have spoken up, and tried to intervene in the more difficult classrooms. My sense, now that we've been involved for a while, is that we're seen as having unreasonably high expectations. Our expectations are that the kids follow adult direction, not disrupt the lesson, and treat everyone respectfully.

 

The problem is that the kids are so accustomed to the "anything goes" culture at our church; they seem stunned that anyone would tell them to get down off of the table, or not yell repeatedly during a lesson, or stop wrestling during a lesson, or not hide in a cupboard during a lesson, or not punch each other during a lesson, or not drum loudly on the Bibles during a lesson, or not erase the memory verse off the board during a lesson. :glare:

 

So, do I just butt out? We have spoken up, shown up to help over and over. But, I think the staff is okay with the status quo. They, after all, are not teaching in these classrooms, so don't really have to deal with it. I'm amazed that the volunteers keep coming back.

 

Should I just stay away?

[Chris in VA]

I credit our curriculum for helping our SS children behave. We use Godly Play.

It is designed to mirror the church service, but it is SS, not Children's Chapel.

 

Before each child enters the room, they are greeted one at a time by a Doorperson. The DP smiles, asks how they've been and then asks "Are you Ready?" Ready means a quiet spirit and a readiness to hear God speak.

Each child therefore comes into the room calmly, quietly, willingly. They immediately sit in a circle where the Storyteller is waiting for them. She (or He) has prepared the story, prayed for her own spirit to be Ready, and is calmly waiting just for them.

 

It is not lecture/lesson as most seem to be. The children listen to the story w/o interrupting--they have to learn to do this, and the ST is trained to "disappear" and let the objects used to tell the story, do so. After listening, there are Wondering Questions--"I wonder what we could take from this story and still have all the story we need? I wonder what the most important part of the story is? I wonder where you are in this story" and a few others. The children are then dismissed from the circle one at a time, with the question, "I wonder what work you will choose to respond to this story?" They then choose to either work with art materials (spread Montessori style on rugs), retell or manipulate other storytelling materials, read, or just be quiet (yep, that's an option, tho rarely chosen.) The older kids have journals, also.

 

After a response time, they have Feast, which is a shared meal, set up to mirror the Eucharist (but it is not the same! let me be clear :D). "It's not what you eat, it's who you eat with, that makes it a Feast."

 

They are dismissed with a blessing, one by one, as their parents arrive. Parents pick up at the door, and are welcome in the room anytime, but follow the structure, too. During the story, for example, they either sit in the circle, or sit by the door person. If someone is disruptive, there are 3 steps to handle it, the last involves leaving the circle and sitting near the door person--it is not punitive, but helps them focus.

 

Long explanation! Mostly to say, the room and the curriculum can become your "third teacher."

[momtoboys]

Wow. . our kids at church our really well behaved. I credit it to the parents/families expecting that behavior. Seriously. Most of the parents I know would be upset if their kids were acting up in Sunday School or Jr. Church.

[LibraryLover]

Children acting like children, even if it means running and loud voices etc, doesn't bother me in the least.

 

Kids can't do anything these days! It's a million ways wrong. Ritalin is not a food group.

[OnTheBrink]

I expect dd to behave appropriately. No running in the fellowship hall when food is being served, no running down the halls. Proper, respectful speech to everyone, adults or peers. Obedience to authority figures.

 

The only thing I see that bothers me is when kids play ball in the fellowship hall during Wednesday night dinner. I don't mean over people's heads, but off to the side. People are walking in and out, some elderly, most carrying plates of food and I really think ball-tossing is an out-door activity, or at least not when people are eating. I think I've seen one kid ride a scooter down the hall (the pastor put a stop to that one fast) and I've seen one kid with wheelies (come to think of it, I think it was the same kid!).

 

Most of the time, kids are well-behaved. There's a time and place for everything and even children can be taught to behave appropriately in a church building. Just because they're kids doesn't excuse rude or unacceptable behavior.

[LibraryLover]

A lot of the time children misbehave because of lack of supervision. maybe have a parent meeting and make sure there is someone respectful with the children where they are most likely to 'misbehave'.

 

Children also know when the adults are being condescending, shaming, and controlling. I wouldn't doubt that church might be a place for children to act out.

[OnTheBrink]

A lot of the time children misbehave because of lack of supervision. maybe have a parent meeting and make sure there is someone respectful with the children where they are most likely to 'misbehave'.

 

Children also know when the adults are being condescending, shaming, and controlling. I wouldn't doubt that church might be a place for children to act out.

 

Why would you assume that children are acting out because they're being condescended to? That doesn't make sense. IME, kids misbehave because they're allowed to, whether it's church, the mall, the library or anywhere else.

[msjones]

A lot of the time children misbehave because of lack of supervision. maybe have a parent meeting and make sure there is someone respectful with the children where they are most likely to 'misbehave'.

 

Children also know when the adults are being condescending, shaming, and controlling. I wouldn't doubt that church might be a place for children to act out.

 

I see your point (and suspect that there is a story of some kind behind it), but that isn't what's going on in our church. The adults 'in charge' are exceptionally permissive, and unsure of how to intervene when kids choose to be blatantly disrespectful and disruptive.

 

I'd say it's the opposite extreme of what you're suggesting -- for fear of shaming or controlling the adults are allowing almost any negative behavior.

[msjones]

Children acting like children, even if it means running and loud voices etc, doesn't bother me in the least.

 

Kids can't do anything these days! It's a million ways wrong. Ritalin is not a food group.

 

Charming reply...

 

If it was just running and loud voices I wouldn't be concerned.

 

And the suggestion that kids "can't do anything these days" is intriguing.

 

Usually, I seem to hear the opposite -- that parents, schools, the culture are too permissive.

[LibraryLover]

Not trying to be 'charming'. I understand that people assume children who are respected and whose parents are 'permissive' are the one with behavior problems.

 

However, children who are treated with respect are the ones most likely to be helpful and mature.

 

I was the director of religious education for 5 years, and the worst behaved children were the ones with the most punitive and controlling parents. Those kids were the sneakiest, and always trying to get away with something, no matter how minor.

 

 

Charming reply...

 

If it was just running and loud voices I wouldn't be concerned.

 

And the suggestion that kids "can't do anything these days" is intriguing.

 

Usually, I seem to hear the opposite -- that parents, schools, the culture are too permissive.

[LibraryLover]

I see your point (and suspect that there is a story of some kind behind it), but that isn't what's going on in our church. The adults 'in charge' are exceptionally permissive, and unsure of how to intervene when kids choose to be blatantly disrespectful and disruptive.

 

I'd say it's the opposite extreme of what you're suggesting -- for fear of shaming or controlling the adults are allowing almost any negative behavior.

 

 

I think those kids know they are not respected and act out in kind.

 

If you think of your favorite teachers/leaders, you might recall they were the ones who thought the best of you.

 

Lots of times we put people in charge of kids who are power- tripping. Kids see right through that.

[katemary63]

I applaud your congregation and the leadership that choose to take a stand rather than run the politically correct race.

 

What a difference this will make in years to come.

 

:iagree:

[amy g.]

Well, I'm one of the people who can't stand the running or disobedience in church, but I COMPLETELY believe that children who are given real respect treat other people respectfully.

 

My problem is with parents who are too busy fulfilling their own desires to do any parenting at all.

 

The church, schools, neighbors, relatives and anyone else around just have to deal with it.

[justamouse]

Not trying to be 'charming'. I understand that people assume children who are respected and whose parents are 'permissive' are the one with behavior problems.

 

However, children who are treated with respect are the ones most likely to be helpful and mature.

 

I was the director of religious education for 5 years, and the worst behaved children were the ones with the most punitive and controlling parents. Those kids were the sneakiest, and always trying to get away with something, no matter how minor.

 

 

I spent ... I lost count, wait, 8 years in children's church as a teacher and yes, I know this to be true.

 

I gave my kids choices. What did they want to read, what did they want to work on, we spoke about what we wanted to pray for and I offered ideas that I thought they would enjoy the most and let them choose. I never had a problem. But that respect of teacher to student is a huge thing. They don't want to disrespect YOU, because they want to live up to who you see them as.