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What are "logical" Consequences for Disrespect, etc?


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My 7 year old DS has said a lot of disrespectful things lately, and I'm not sure as to what natural consequences would be for that. Any suggestions?

 

Also, he complains bitterly about doing his schoolwork at home, but doesn't have any desire to go to school either. I don't want to make empty threats (i.e. "If you don't do your work, I'll put you in school"). Sigh.

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I wrote a really detailed post describing this on the old boards, but can't find it. But basically you give him 10 tickets each morning, project calm, ask for a ticket back each time he complains or unreasonably argues or is disrespectful. Dire consequences ensue if he loses all 10 in the same day. Ones he has left are marked on a calendar and there is a reward once he gets to 100.

 

This provides feedback in the moment but focusses, oddly enough, on the ticket count rather than the person, thus taking some of the sting out of it. You're providing logical reinforcement without getting into an emotional fight.

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We have our household rules posted on the wall. These include everything from disrespect to do our school work happily. When we wrote them out and posted them everyone in the family had to read them together. If they break a rule they get one reminder each day after the first reminder they have to write the rule so... many times. Since he is 7 i would keep them short but follow through if he breaks them. They have never had to write them, after the first reminder and having to stop and read the rule out loud, they get the picture.

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7yo ds, too. It's gotten better lately, since I've learned I need to stop getting emotional and into emotional arguments with him:) Not a good place to go with a 7yo. I highly recommend the book, "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes...in you and your kids!" It's by 2 homeschoolers, a pastor and nurse. Lots of tips on creating an honor-based home. Best wishes:) Gina

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When my kids were younger and we were having issues, I wrote down behaviors problems in a list form, and then after supper one night dh, I and the kids had a discussion about these problems and we let the kids come up with the consequences that *they* felt were appropriate for each issue. This way they owned both the cause and effect.

 

I wrote down what they said and made a list and posted it where all could see. When the issue came up (like your issue of disrespect) I would say, "You were just disrespectful to me. Please check the list, I believe it is number 5. Can you read what you need to do now out loud to me?" and said child would read what he himself had suggested as a consequence and it would be carried out without any complaint from the child. After all, it was his idea!

 

Honestly, this worked better than anything we had ever done. I didn't have to think of the consequence/discipline/punishment as it was already listed, and the children didn't complain because they were the ones that suggested it. AND they only had to do/receive the consequence two or three times before they learned very, very quickly to eliminate the behavior.

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7yo ds, too. It's gotten better lately, since I've learned I need to stop getting emotional and into emotional arguments with him:) Not a good place to go with a 7yo. I highly recommend the book, "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes...in you and your kids!" It's by 2 homeschoolers, a pastor and nurse. Lots of tips on creating an honor-based home. Best wishes:) Gina

 

I looked at that book, and also at Good and Mad on amazon. They both look extremely useful, a resource that I as a non-Christian might still use...but my library doesn't have any of them. :glare:

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The logical consequence around here is that I will feel less like interacting with them. My darling 5 year old has had one of those days today so I didn't drive her to her gymnastics class. I simply don't feel like going out of my way for her with the attitude she has displayed today. She is currently sulking at the kitchen table with her apple since I refused to prep a snack for her as well.

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Guest janainaz

In regard to the schoolwork:

 

I used to get into these battles with my ds. Once I stopped the back-and-forth and once I stopped getting emotional (thanks to dh saying, "Take the emotion out of it!") it all got much better.

 

I would calmly and lovingly tell ds that I understood not feeling like doing schoolwork sometimes, but I would remind him that it had to be done and that every day I don't feel like cleaning and doing laundry. I'd also throw a little reality about Social Services and the fact that I would get in trouble if i let my kids sit around and watch TV all day. My ds understands that and often just telling him the facts causes him to snap out of it. I would also do my best to relate with his emotion in a loving way. If he kept it up, I would just become matter-of-fact about what needed to be done and tell him to get started. If he continued whining and giving me a hard time, I would close up his books and send him to his room to sit and do nothing until he was ready to come back out. Boredom does wonders. It works even better when you can remain calm (which is the HARDEST thing to do).

 

For me, that battle had to do with me not being able to stand confident in my decision to homeschool. I had this underlying guilt and question that I was possibly not doing the right thing. They feel that and it is an open door to manipulate. Once they feel your confidence and unwillingness to enter into emotional conversation about the schoolwork, it pretty much stops. This is not to say you won't have complaining or whining. Your kids are human!

 

I'm taking care of puppies right now and I find myself constantly complaining out loud saying, "I hate poop! I hate pee! I hate cleaning up after these guys!" So, I let my ds complain (and that is not the norm) and I don't expect him to be cheerful and happy all the time because I'm not. I don't agree with expecting a child to do everything happily. I do expect for him to do his best, to do a quality job, and to get it done.

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The logical consequence is that you don't want to interact with someone who acts that way. So he needs to stay away from you. In our house, that would mean some room time.

 

Or instead of logical consequences you can find his "currency", that is what he values most and use that to gain his cooperation. In our house that is screen time. People with a bad attitude about school will lose screen time. And they won't be allowed to hang around me.

 

I actually purposely allowed my son to become addicted to video games so that I would have a carrot to use for discipline issues. Interestingly, he's no longer addicted to video games, but he uses his screen time to create animations and do other sorts of computer programming type things.

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Can you give me an example of "dire consequences"? :001_huh:

 

I am :lurk5: too - always needing good parenting tips.

 

...I'm firm but I'm really not much of a dire consequences type parent. So I did not think of dire consequences in advance. When we had our initial conversation about starting this ticket system, it was a warm, calm conversation, but then when we got to the consequences part, I lowered my voice dramatically and said, "And you Don't. Want. To. Know. what will happen if you Run. Out. Of. Tickets.!" Little did DD know that this was mostly because I had no idea. Thankfully, she was suitably impressed and never ran out of tickets, although she got very close to that one day. She was only 7 or 8, and not difficult to impress. But she had no fear that the s-word would be involved, lest there be any confusion, because I do not do that.

 

Sometimes fear of the unknown can be very motivating, even in a completely no-S family.

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"If you can't be kind and respectful to the people in this room, you don't need to be in this room." ~shrug~ :) I use a calm and matter-of-fact tone when issueing that reminder, and enforce it in the same manner.

 

We also have a box in the hall that's used specifically for this. It started out as a large rubbermaid that was evicted from it's previous room, and hadn't found a new one to live in. It became the perfect place for plunking a little in the midst of a fit, to spare the ears of others. It morphed into a box the bigs and even the parents plunk on to shed rattitudes as needed. (That's a family term. Ratty attitude = rattitude) When the person on the box feels they can be civil to those around them they're welcome back at any time.

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I agree with systems that bring about positive reinforcement, so the reward at the end of the ticket system, etc. These systems do not focus on the person, but the reward brought on by cause & effect: behaviour & consequence... or rather, behaviour and reward. ;)

 

As for natural consequences, yes, you would not want to be around that person. That person is not treating another human being with respect, therefore that person needs some chill time, alone, in a very boring room. For my dd, that is her little brother's room or the spare bedroom. Somewhere she will be totally bored, ie: not her own bedroom. ;)

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How fitting for me to see this at the top of 'New Posts'!!!

 

I just had the day from H*ll and at the moment don't want to even see my kids for a few days, that's how bad it was. The girls' attitude, the HITTING (even hitting me!), the yelling, the trashing of literally every single room in the house except the bathroom..AAH!

 

We are a no-spank family as well, but days like this I really wish they were in school and just leaving me alone :( I'll be keeping up for more ideas, you have no idea how much this helps.. I literally got teary when I saw the thread title thinking God put this here right when I needed it most.

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