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would this gift be helpful..Sensitive Topic of Loss


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please don't read if you will be upset or made sad by the topic :grouphug:.

 

if you have suffered a pregnancy loss, would a set of handkerchiefs edged with a knit or crochet edge be appropriate? Helpful? stupid idea?? Try something else??

 

 

My dear friend has just suffered the loss of her twins at 20 weeks. I know I will be there many ways for her but was wondering if I stitched up some hankies tonight if that would be all right??? Perhaps with a butterfly embroidered on the corner? We were pregnancy buddies and good friends for years but I am not sure how much she will want to see me right off kwim? I'm due in just a few weeks. I thought of jewelry but she's not big on wearing a lot. I want to do something personal just for her.

 

Thanks HIVE!

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Having experienced multilple losses, I am touched at your wanting to reach out to your friend. I personally would love that gesture. Only you know your friend. People grieve differently. It is interesting how people react to loss. Some want to cook for others, clean for them, send special cards or give gifts. I think you should do what your heart tells you to do and when a little time has passed, if you can be so open with her, ask her how she feels about your presence. It is very hard to see woman who you were pregnant with have their babies, but it can also bring healing. It has for me. It forced me to let go and grieve properly. KWIM?

 

God bless you, I will be praying for your friend during this oh so awful time if that is okay with you and her.

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Better than a book about miscarrying. :glare: I miscarried in my first pregnancy very early, and a well meaning woman from my church gave me a little book about miscarrying (and seeing the child in heaven). I was not at all interested in reading it, and never knew until years later that the woman had also enclosed a note in the front of the book for me. Oops.

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As someone who had 3 miscarriages I would have appreciated the handkerchiefs but without the butterfly. Someone giving me permission to cry would have been nice, since I cried a lot with each one. A butterfly would have irritated me. But grief is very personal, so of course I can't say how your friend would take it. I think it is a lovely gesture on your part. With my 3 miscarriages I got one card during one miscarriage and that was it. I wasn't hurt that I didn't receive others, but I still remember and appreciate that one card and the friend who sent it.

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Guest Alte Veste Academy
Having experienced multilple losses, I am touched at your wanting to reach out to your friend. I personally would love that gesture.

 

I agree. It is also lovely that your gift shows understanding of the loss being worthy of the grief and so many tears, when so many other people don't view miscarriages as a loss in the same way they view other deaths.

 

It is very hard to see woman who you were pregnant with have their babies

 

This is hard, hard, hard. I had three miscarriages in a row before I had my three babies and my third miscarriage happened when I was smack in the middle of the due dates of two dear friends who later delivered one month apart from each other. As much as I adored my friends, it was so unbelievably hard to watch them become mothers (one for the first time and one for the third) without feeling very, very sorry for myself. I certainly didn't wish my pain on them but it was another facet of my wound. The baby shower was particularly painful (especially since it was a double shower and would have been a triple had I still been pregnant), so do be sure to ask her feelings about an invitation at a later, more appropriate time. It sounds like you will be extra sensitive about the issue and that is really all anyone could ask. Depending on how close you are, the best thing you can do is be willing to talk and listen to her cry for as long as she needs you.

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I have lost a child at 20 weeks and also had a friend who had delivered right before my loss. It is still hard to watch her child hit milestones. I love her child dearly don't get me wrong, but around birthdays and such it does remind me that I would have had a child the same age...sometimes it just seems bittersweet.

The gift is a sweet gesture that will show her you truly care. Most people didn't know what to say to me or how to react around me after the loss. My friend had already had her child and I was the one due later. I probably did avoid her for a while after my loss and it had nothing to do with her. It was me. I couldn't deal with being around her and her infant until I had come to terms with my grief.

I think the gift would be appreciated. Although with the closeness to your due date, you might want to have it sent or delivered by your husband with a follow up phone call from you to check on how she is doing. I know I had trouble not bursting into tears when reminded of pregnancy for a while.

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I agree, go ahead & give it, though I too think maybe leave the butterflies... but I tend to simplicity & you know your friend much better!

 

I too had a "pregnancy buddy" when I lost my much anticipated 1st pregnancy... we had been trying for 5-6 years. The hug she gave me when I told her I'd lost mine... there aren't words for what passed between us, her round and growing, me empty and grieving. I didn't see her much during the rest of her pregnancy, but a few weeks after I called her up and asked to see her baby... and cried on that darling little girl. It was such a gift that my friend let me do that!

 

Give her the handkerchief. It's perfect. I'm going to have to remember that for the next time one of my friends suffers a loss. Give her some space. But in giving her the gift, you'll also be saying, "When you're ready, please come see me." And don't be surprised if she needs that handkerchief again when she sees your child for the first time.

 

:grouphug:

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As someone who had 3 miscarriages I would have appreciated the handkerchiefs but without the butterfly. Someone giving me permission to cry would have been nice, since I cried a lot with each one. A butterfly would have irritated me. But grief is very personal, so of course I can't say how your friend would take it. I think it is a lovely gesture on your part. With my 3 miscarriages I got one card during one miscarriage and that was it. I wasn't hurt that I didn't receive others, but I still remember and appreciate that one card and the friend who sent it.

 

:iagree: I would have loved it if someone would have given me permission to cry after my 2 losses. You would be acknowledging her loss and giving her permission to grieve. What a lovely and thoughtful friend you are! I will remember your dear friend in my prayers.

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Thanks everyone! She is holding up well, incredibly well, but I haven't been able to see her since I kept all the kiddos during this and they released her before hubby could get home so I could go to the hospital.(kids are banned from the hospital) I can tell through the phone when we do, it will be a cry fest though I don't think she has displayed that to anyone else. We do a lot together in our groups and she intends to carry on as usual (what else can you do when you have active kids and lead several things??) so we will run into each other several times a week. She may be just trying to spare me right now since I have had a hard time from the beginning with this pregnancy. She's had an easy time until this. :confused: It doesn't seem right at all. Something like this should have been my lot given all that we've dealt with. But..... here we are. Thanks! I'll make some up tonight and give them with some cards.

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