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Am I wrong for feeling hurt? (sorry, long)


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I will be starting my period in a couple of days and I know I am more emotional now than I normally am. Two weeks ago my oldest dd had our first grandchild, a girl. They live about 4 1/2 hours from us. When we found out she was in labor my dh and I left our house about midnight and got here a little after 4:00 in the morning. My dh was able to stay for 3 days and then he returned home. I had worked everything out so I could stay until the baby was baptised, which will be Sunday. My older kids (ranging 18 to 25) took over running the household, including doing the younger kids school, so I could be down here. My dh is on his way here now with my youngest 5. He took a vacation day for today and also at the last minute took vacation day Monday, so we could have more time and go back Monday. Here is the situation. My granddaughter will be baptised Sunday morning. Then after we get back to her house, which is an hour away from the baptism, they are having lunch and cake for family and a few friends. Her dh grandparents and parents will be here. On Sunday evenings they always get together at his grandparents for dinner with his parents, and aunts, uncles, and cousins. Every week. They told me last night that they are planning on going this Sunday, even though everyone will be here in the afternoon except the aunts, uncles, and cousins. We are invited too and they are lovely people. But they baby will be passed around and we will not be really spending the extra time with them that we wanted. I am feeling hurt. My dh does not know yet, I think he will just go home Sunday afternoon. We will not be able to see the baby again until Christmas. Am I wrong for feeling hurt?

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I don't think feeling can be right or wrong, but I would say that right now, the most important thing you can do is exactly what your daughter and son-in-law want.

 

Their needs and desires come first. You are there to be supportive.

 

 

:iagree:It's not about you. Your daughter has enough going on without worrying about you being mad.

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I would guess that everyone is excited to see the new baby, regardless of how close or how far they live. Your dd & her dh may be feeling like they're being pulled in a lot of different directions at once -- a new baby, relatives visiting, busy baptism day, expectation to keep the 'regular' routine of dinner w/ the dh's family, etc....

 

I would stay & go enjoy the dinner. I think it's lovely that they've invited you guys too. Everyone can celebrate the new baby & the new parents. I bet your dd would be sad if you guys left early just because her dh's family want to spend some time w/ the new family too.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

I would really try to see it as a large group where everyone wants to celebrate & see the new baby, no bad feelings intended.

 

Congrats on your new grandbaby. :001_smile:

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I would guess that everyone is excited to see the new baby, regardless of how close or how far they live. Your dd & her dh may be feeling like they're being pulled in a lot of different directions at once -- a new baby, relatives visiting, busy baptism day, expectation to keep the 'regular' routine of dinner w/ the dh's family, etc....

 

I would stay & go enjoy the dinner. I think it's lovely that they've invited you guys too. Everyone can celebrate the new baby & the new parents. I bet your dd would be sad if you guys left early just because her dh's family want to spend some time w/ the new family too.

 

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

I would really try to see it as a large group where everyone wants to celebrate & see the new baby, no bad feelings intended.

 

Congrats on your new grandbaby. :001_smile:

 

:iagree: I wanted to add that I also agree with the posters who said that feelings are not right or wrong, so you're entitled to feel the way you feel. I think in this case you need to put on a brave face and do what is most convenient for your DD and SIL. They are probably overwhelmed, and probably doing their best to please everyone in regards to seeing the baby.

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I agree with what others have already said. Also, if I understand correctly, you will have already spent a good bit of time there on your own, one-on-one, correct?

 

I remember bringing home that first baby. I just wished everyone would give me a little space.... a little privacy to figure things out...

 

Try not to take it personally, this is a huge adjustment for the new parents.

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I understand your feelings, but I also understand that it is very hard to make everyone happy. She just had a baby. She's excited and wants to show off her new bundle! And it seems that she is trying to keep some order in her schedule by keeping previous traditions going. That's hard to do when adding a baby to your life! ;) Go and be supportive of her, and get to know those inlaws better. It makes holidays MUCH easier for us kids when our parents can celebrate life together!!!! Our parents live 40 minutes away from each other, yet we have to do Thanksgiving and Christmas twice to make everyone happy. It's a nightmare and we'd rather stay home and avoid it altogether~

They are happy, but we are exhausted and annoyed every year that we have to jump through hoops to please everyone else. That's not fun..........

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I can not tell you how to feel or what is "right" or "wrong" when it comes to feelings.

 

What I can say is that even though you made a sacrifice to see the baby, the other family has the desire to see her too. You dd is not asking you to go home, she is asking you to spend just a few hours with her inlaws. I don't think she is wrong for that. If you were my mom, I would tell you that you are being very selfish. She loves both her own family and her in-laws. Why can't both families surround her at this joyous time? It is not all about the relatives right now, it is about the mom, dad, and baby and they want to share their joys with everyone. Think about how you would feel if your mother and dad did this to you? If your dad went home a day early because you wanted everyone to spend a few hours with the inlaws. I think it will be something you dd remembers for the rest of her life if you all make a big deal of this.

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:iagree:

By Sunday, you will have spent more than 2 weeks with the new baby. I think you must know, even if it's hidden deep down, that it's time to start sharing. ;)

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

This is your grandchild, but it is also your dd's inlaw's grandchild. Please be the gracious adult I know you to be from these boards. No reason to be hurt. No one is trying to exclude you; on the contrary, your dd is being very, very gracious to have you that long, even though you are lovely and helpful.

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I agree with the hive consensus here...and if I can offer you a little perspective from the new mom's side, my mom was a pain in the neck when my oldest was born, and some of the things she did that week still sting when I think about them. It's a nerve-wracking time for everyone--including you. But if you can shield her from your emotions for the time-being, it'll be better for everyone involved. Any hurts that are caused by your dd and dsil can be remedied later.

 

If you can concentrate your energy on being as much of a blessing as you possibly can--holding the baby so your DD can nap and shower, taking lots of pictures, cooking, cleaning, and letting them have some family time, just the three of them--you all will look back on the week and remember what a special time it was.

Edited by Rosy
clarification
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I don't think feeling can be right or wrong, but I would say that right now, the most important thing you can do is exactly what your daughter and son-in-law want.

 

Their needs and desires come first. You are there to be supportive.

 

Exactly. And I think the hardest thing in the world has to be sharing a grandbaby with the "other" side of the family. Keep your feelings under control while with your daughter - come here to feel free to let us know how you feel! That is what we are here for!!!

:grouphug:

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Congratulations on your first grandchild, Teresa! I'm sure you are overjoyed at this new, fun stage in your life!

 

I think you need to go to the grandparents' home. That is obviously what your dd and her dh want to do, and they are graciously including your family. Also, it will just be a few hours and you'll still have bedtime Sunday and first thing Monday left to have more personal time w/your dd and her family.

 

I'm sure you're an awesome grandma and will handle everything well! Especially once those hormones calm down! ;)

 

Chelle

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If you can concentrate your energy on being as much of a blessing as you possibly can--holding the baby so your DD can nap and shower, taking lots of pictures, cooking, cleaning, and letting them have some family time, just the three of them--you all will look back on the week and remember what a special time it was.

:iagree:

Remember, that your dd is also going through a very hormonal period (more so than you are probably). I certainly remember the night sweats and being incredibly upset when breastfeeding turned out to be not so pleasant in the beginning.

 

Btw, Christmas is not that far away.

 

Christina

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Just an encouragement to be gracious and giving with your dd. I vividly remember my first child and some new hormones I hadn't expected that went with it. My mother drove me batty with some of her expectations. I was really at a point that I wanted to love my baby and have no one expect anything from me. Decision-making was difficult. This has not been the case with all my others, but something about that new mom thing...have some grace for her.

 

I also would be hurt if I were you, but love your dd and don't make any demands of her right now. She'll remember that you were good to her and wanted what was best for her during this time.

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I have to say: I completely understand where you're coming from. And, yes, I think your daughter should have dedicated the day to you since you upended your life to be there -- and the other family is there all the time.

 

I have to say too: I remember when I had my babies. . . I wanted everyone together. And dh's mom was the one who made it clear she'd like some time alone w/ just us and the baby.

 

Oh. I hadn't thought of that. In my glow and happiness, I'd wanted everyone together. (And I didn't get it, my mil is way too self centered. She had it her way. No biggie. I dealt w/ it.)

 

So I would bet that your daughter wants everyone -- you, of course, included -- together with her, her husband and their new baby. It almost seems like a natural reaction to having a baby: wanting everyone together.

 

But, I want to emphasize that I can really, really see your side of it. You want special time w/ your family and the baby and I think that's a valid thing to want considering how far away you live.

 

Give the baby kisses for me!!

 

Alley

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You got to visit for two weeks and stay with them. It sounds like his parents live closer by and get the see the baby more often, but they haven't had nearly the "alone" time that you have had with the baby.

 

Your daughter has a two week old baby. She wants to take the baby to see all those aunts and uncles and cousins. That seems very normal to me. I understand why you are disappointed if you were hoping to just relax and home and snuggle on your last night with your first grandchild. I would feel the same.

 

But while disappointing, it doesn't seem hurtful at all - just a different decision than you wanted.

 

The other grandparents also would probably rather sit and snuggle alone with the baby than share her with you and all the others, but everyone is sharing.

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If you can concentrate your energy on being as much of a blessing as you possibly can--holding the baby so your DD can nap and shower, taking lots of pictures, cooking, cleaning, and letting them have some family time, just the three of them--you all will look back on the week and remember what a special time it was.

 

:iagree: This is building insurance. If you do these things, your daughter is going to remember how wonderfully supportive you were while she was frazzled by having more visitors that she could really handle, and she'll want you around when she has her next baby ;) Remember, she's going to learn from her first and dramatically cut her guest list when she has baby #2. Being fabulous now means you get to be on the guest list next time.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

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They live about 4 1/2 hours from us.

 

We will not be able to see the baby again until Christmas. Am I wrong for feeling hurt?

 

I see a major disconnect here. I know you have other dc to tend, but unless there is some very major health or travel issues, I don't understand why you can't see the family again sooner.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would find a way to visit again, if only for 2 days/one night within 6 weeks. And, I would schedule this at your daughter's convenience to the extent you are able (say, at least offer two or three choices of days/times for her to select from).

 

You could even road trip and take all the kids to visit for a day or so, perhaps staying with one of those nice in-laws if room is an issue and/or you can't afford a hotel.

 

I think it's time to be sure to focus on your dd as a MOM and not as your DD. She has so much to balance, and needs your encouragement and absolutely no demands or pressure from you.

 

It's got to be a big transition going from the mom/matriarch of a large family to being in the back seat as grandma, but that is natural and a good thing!! Don't spoil this by being petty. And, don't let your dh shorten his stay either. They'll notice and it will hurt, if not now, then later when they think back to it. They'll remember *everything* from this special time in their lives. . . good, bad, helpful, demanding. . .

 

Be your dd's rock, her supporter, her protector. . . now is the time you really have to be someone she will cling to and come to, not someone who makes her life harder.

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If I were in your shoes, I would find a way to visit again, if only for 2 days/one night within 6 weeks. And, I would schedule this at your daughter's convenience to the extent you are able (say, at least offer two or three choices of days/times for her to select from).

 

You could even road trip and take all the kids to visit for a day or so, perhaps staying with one of those nice in-laws if room is an issue and/or you can't afford a hotel.

 

 

 

 

:) I like that. She may need you even more at that point!

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:) I like that. She may need you even more at that point!

 

 

Oh my yes! That 5th to 6th week is a killer.... sleep deprived mama, baby who still wants to eat all night, but the initial fame of the first two weeks has worn off and the meal deliveries have stopped.... all the laundry and housework piled up....

 

I wouldn't take a bunch of others with you, just go then and be a servant to her and get in some more baby-snugglin!

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I don't think it would be a good thing if it were known that you had any issue about going to the in-laws and having to share the baby with others. You are probably feeling very emotional because you have your first grandbaby and need to go home. Try to be pleasant and very grateful to have had two weeks with your dd and grandbaby. Two weeks is a lot longer than many new Moms would have energy to have guests in their home.

 

CoNgRaTuLaTiOns On YoUr GraNdBaby :party:

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:iagree: This is building insurance. If you do these things, your daughter is going to remember how wonderfully supportive you were while she was frazzled by having more visitors that she could really handle, and she'll want you around when she has her next baby ;) Remember, she's going to learn from her first and dramatically cut her guest list when she has baby #2. Being fabulous now means you get to be on the guest list next time.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree:

When I had my DD, my mom lived 10 hours away and drove down to be here when the baby was born. It was her first grandchild. My MIL lived 1 hour away and was her second grandchild. They both stayed with me for a couple of days, then MIL went home while my mom stayed for 2 weeks. When MIL wanted to come back and spend the afternoon while my mom was here, she threw a fit over having to share time with my MIL because she had to come from so far away and the ILs would have so much more time than she would have. I felt like I was walking a tightrope the whole time my mom was visiting and being pulled by everyone in different directions. The negative memories of that are intertwined with my memories of DD's birth still, 5.5 years later.

 

Know what happened when DS was born 2.5 years later? My MIL came to see the baby in the hospital (she was taking care of DD while we were there) and stayed for a few days. I told my mother (who was now living 22 hours by car away) that she could come for 1 week see DS after my DH went back to work when DS was 2 weeks old. Then I told my MIL she couldn't come and see DS for that week. I just couldn't handle the arguing again. I wanted to be surrounded by people who were excited and happy about the baby, not people who were jealous of how much time the other would spend.

 

If you want to be so involved next time, remember the upheaval that they are going through and work to do whatever will make this time easiest on them. It might not sound reasonable to you or be the way you'd like for it to be, but I'm sure they're trying their hardest to make everyone happy...as evidenced by the fact she's going over there 2 weeks PP. I can't imagine being up to that when I had JUST had a baby!

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Update - thank you for all your posts. I read them on Friday, but did not have time to respond. I did not in any way let my dd know that I was hurt. I determined long ago that I was not going to be an overbearing mom and MIL. It was my dd who asked me to come and help her after the baby was born. I would not have volunteered to be there that long. That is how it worked out. I did give them the opportunity to get rid of me after 1 week, but they both insisted I stay. I was there for two weeks, and I value that time greatly. I told her at the beginning, that I was there mainly to cook, clean, shop, do laundry, etc. so she could focus on the baby. I think I accomplished that goal. Like I said in my original post, I knew I was hormonal. I was also dealing with having a grandchild, a first grandchild, and being four hours away and not be able to see that often.

 

We did go to the inlaws and had a lovely time. They are all lovely people and have made us feel like one of the family.

 

I do have a new question. How do you handle being so far away from your grandkids. This is my first grandchild, but it wouldn't matter if she was the 10th. My kids are very close to my dh parents, because they see them all the time and they were very involved. My parents saw them very little and they do not have much of a relationship. I would be down there (to Tennessee) to see her every weekend, but I know that is not realistic. As of now, the plans are that they are coming two days before Christmas and will leave Christmas morning. But that is 8 weeks away. She will change drastically in those 8 weeks. All her other grandparents (there are two sets) live in the same town, so they will see her often. I have to fight feelings of jealousy. We get along great with the other grandparents, so it's not directed at them. My dd said this week we should move by them, but that is not at all possible. Sorry this got too long. How do you handle the distance and what other ways have you kept in contact with your grandkids?

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I do have a new question. How do you handle being so far away from your grandkids. This is my first grandchild, but it wouldn't matter if she was the 10th. My kids are very close to my dh parents, because they see them all the time and they were very involved. My parents saw them very little and they do not have much of a relationship. I would be down there (to Tennessee) to see her every weekend, but I know that is not realistic. As of now, the plans are that they are coming two days before Christmas and will leave Christmas morning. But that is 8 weeks away. She will change drastically in those 8 weeks. All her other grandparents (there are two sets) live in the same town, so they will see her often. I have to fight feelings of jealousy. We get along great with the other grandparents, so it's not directed at them. My dd said this week we should move by them, but that is not at all possible. Sorry this got too long. How do you handle the distance and what other ways have you kept in contact with your grandkids?

 

I remember when my ds was born....my mom only lived an hour away, but every day she got in her car and went another hour away to her teaching job. So I felt very far from her and she from me during the week. Every day for several months I took a picture of ds and emailed to her. She had a computer in her classroom and she would pull it up and share with her 5th graders. It was a small thing, but I felt kept her feeling close to my son.

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I remember when my ds was born....my mom only lived an hour away, but every day she got in her car and went another hour away to her teaching job. So I felt very far from her and she from me during the week. Every day for several months I took a picture of ds and emailed to her. She had a computer in her classroom and she would pull it up and share with her 5th graders. It was a small thing, but I felt kept her feeling close to my son.

 

They have set up a Shutterfly page for the baby and are adding pictures daily. This will help. This is soooo hard being away from her. It was hard enough to get adjusted when my dd got married and moved away, but babies change so fast!!! My dd and I talk on the phone at least once a day. She calls me for advice. I do wait for her to call me, as I don't want to appear pushy. We do skip an occassional day, and she usually doesn't call on the weekends.

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They have set up a Shutterfly page for the baby and are adding pictures daily. This will help. This is soooo hard being away from her. It was hard enough to get adjusted when my dd got married and moved away, but babies change so fast!!! My dd and I talk on the phone at least once a day. She calls me for advice. I do wait for her to call me, as I don't want to appear pushy. We do skip an occassional day, and she usually doesn't call on the weekends.

 

Sounds like you have a great relationship and I am sure your dd will encourage that baby to have a close relationship with you too.

 

My mom and I talk daily too..oh sometimes many times a day! LOL.....

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I understand your feelings, but I also understand that it is very hard to make everyone happy. She just had a baby. She's excited and wants to show off her new bundle! And it seems that she is trying to keep some order in her schedule by keeping previous traditions going. That's hard to do when adding a baby to your life! ;) Go and be supportive of her, and get to know those inlaws better. It makes holidays MUCH easier for us kids when our parents can celebrate life together!!!! Our parents live 40 minutes away from each other, yet we have to do Thanksgiving and Christmas twice to make everyone happy. It's a nightmare and we'd rather stay home and avoid it altogether~

They are happy, but we are exhausted and annoyed every year that we have to jump through hoops to please everyone else. That's not fun..........

 

:iagree: For us it was easier to move 3000 miles away then to deal with it.

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I do have a new question. How do you handle being so far away from your grandkids. This is my first grandchild, but it wouldn't matter if she was the 10th. My kids are very close to my dh parents, because they see them all the time and they were very involved. My parents saw them very little and they do not have much of a relationship. I would be down there (to Tennessee) to see her every weekend, but I know that is not realistic. As of now, the plans are that they are coming two days before Christmas and will leave Christmas morning. But that is 8 weeks away. She will change drastically in those 8 weeks. All her other grandparents (there are two sets) live in the same town, so they will see her often. I have to fight feelings of jealousy. We get along great with the other grandparents, so it's not directed at them. My dd said this week we should move by them, but that is not at all possible. Sorry this got too long. How do you handle the distance and what other ways have you kept in contact with your grandkids?

 

I can't answer this as a grandparent, but as a granddaughter and a daughter. I was closer to my grandparents that lived in Florida than my grandparents that lived in the same town. My grandmother who lived nearby was wonderful--she doted on us and babysat and made cookies with us...she died when I was 5 though. My grandfather (her husband), wasn't really a kid-person--I knew he loved me, but he didn't really talk to us kids when he came over. My grandparents that lived across the country only saw us every 2 years or so, but when they did we got lots of focused time with them. They loved spending time with the kids and it showed. I felt their love through that, but also through special gifts, letters, etc....their birthday cards are still my favorite (they make cards on their computer with baby/little kid pictures of the recipient).

 

And it's the same with my kids. My parents live an hour away, but they're always distracted when we see them. My mom doesn't enjoy having the kids around, my stepdad is usually busy, etc. They get to see the kids more often, but it doesn't tend to be quality time. My in-laws are 5 hours away, we see them 3-4 times a year and it's always much more special for the kids. They'll have the kids over for the week and take them overnight for our anniversary. They delight in the kids and the kids feel it.

 

My point isn't that you'll be the favorite grandparents...hopefully baby will have a great relationship with both of you! If you really make her a priority when you see them, and pay attention to likes and dislikes, personality, schedule, etc., that will pay off hugely. It's wonderful that your DD calls for advice--I've never felt comfortable doing that with my overbearing mother. Eventually you'll be able to have the grandkids for overnights and weeks in the summer...and you'll have a good foundation because you're working so hard at having great relationships with them now.

 

I would love for my kids to have a grandma like you! Keep up the good work. :)

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:iagree: For us it was easier to move 3000 miles away then to deal with it.

 

I do agree and I have already said that it is not important to us to have them here on a specific day, like Thanksgiving or Christmas. They have enough to deal with the separate families (the other mom and dad are divorced and remarried, so there are two families each on both sides) that all live close to them. They go to both sides on Thanksgiving and Christmas and are worn out at the end of the day. It is not important that they come on a specific day. We can celebrate Christmas whenever we can all get together.

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