Sue G in PA Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Here is the situation in a nutshell. My older sister (half-sister from my Dad's previous marriage) and her daughter (now 28 yo) had been estranged from our family for about 10 years or so. She is much older than I am so we never really grew up together. Anyway, about 4 mos. ago, out of the blue, she called our Dad and we have all since been back in touch. We meet almost every Sunday at our Dad's house (where my mother lives as well...my mother..not hers). Are you following? My mother has some bad history with my sister. As a youth, she didn't treat my mother very well, had stolen from her, etc. My mother has never forgiven her and it is her personality to harbour resentment. She allows her into her home on Sundays mainly b/c of Dad. On to Thanksgiving. My mother said they would not be invited over for Thanksgiving. Her reason was we already had too many people (our family of 8, the 2 of them and my grandmother) and not enough food. Well, it was an excuse and I knew it. My sister emailed me and said she had a huge turkey she could bring to Thanksgiving. I related that info. to my mother and she said, "she can keep her turkey, she is not invited!". I pressed her and she said she still had such bad feelings toward her that she only tolerates her on Sundays b/c of Dad (as I thought). Well, I am elated to be back in touch with my ONLY sister. She and I had some bad history (long story but she had issues when I was younger and accused me of some horrible things), but I have forgiven and thanked God for allowing her and my niece back into our lives. We all need healing. Thanksgiving is the perfect time to do that, IMO. WWYD in this situation? I really want to be with my sister on Thanksgiving. Should I press my mother to invite her? Should I have my Dad talk to her? Should I invite them HERE to our house and have Thanksgiving here? My parents wouldn't come b/c my grandmother has trouble traveling (it's an hour drive). I'm just so torn. I love my mom...but I think she is acting like a child. FWIW...all the "bad stuff' happened over 35 years ago! WWYD? Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jplain Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Should I invite them HERE to our house and have Thanksgiving here? My parents wouldn't come b/c my grandmother has trouble traveling (it's an hour drive). I'm just so torn. I love my mom...but I think she is acting like a child. FWIW...all the "bad stuff' happened over 35 years ago! WWYD? Thanks. I might do that. You are entitled to your opinions about her behavior, but it also seems unfair to try to force a reconciliation before her heart is in it. If mom chose not to come for Thanksgiving, I'd let her know that we're free to get together over the weekend, either at our house or hers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I'd let your mom know that you won't be able to make it without your sister in attendance. Your mom is being bratty and I don't think anyone should have to play into that. ETA - Give her a deadline - say the 10th. Then, invite sis to your house and have a blast. (I might also let mom know you appreciate all the hard lessons on forgiveness that she taught you, and how you would be grateful if she'd extend herself for your sister.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Man, Mom sure is pushing for a showdown isn't she? What does Dad say about the mess? What did I hear someone say the other day that was so awesome. Oh yeh, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Does time permit you to have your sis over for a seperate Thanksgiving with you? I guess I would leave Mom to her own devices, personally, because she's the one who has to (or not) come to terms and forgiveness for things past. Sounds like you already did that. Rather than strain your relationship with your mom (and you know it will head in that direction if you press her), maintain both by inviting your sister over for a special celebration aside from Mom's Thanksgiving. I think the relationship your Mom has with your sis might better be left up to your sister and your dad to deal with. JMO :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I would take control of the situation and say that I will be hosting and invite your sister and your parents. This takes the pressure off your mom to provide (I know that was just an excuse) and puts them on nuetral ground. I'd also have a talk with mom, if possible, about the need to forgive and not harbor ill feelings for things that happened over 35 years ago. It'll be a tough talk, but worth it. Would it help to explain the situation to your sister and see if maybe a heartfelt apology (even if it's the 20th) would help heal some hurts? Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 FWIW...all the "bad stuff' happened over 35 years ago! WWYD? Thanks. HAven't read all of the responses-- I would tell Mom that if sis wasn't coming, then I wouldn't be coming to her house. Period. Then I would extend an invitation to your Mom to have Tday dinner with you. Good luck to you. It's a blessing sis came back into your life, and I hope you hold onto that with both hands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 I'd have Thanksgiving at your house and invite both your sister and your parents. Perhaps your father will want to come, even if your mother doesn't. You can offer to attend Thanksgiving dinner a different day at their house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 If I'm reading this correctly...your mom has her husband's daughter over on Sundays, besides being a reminder of her husband's first wife, she also has a difficult past with his daughter... If that's the situation, I give your mom credit for putting her husband first regarding Sundays. If she's not ready to do thanksgiving that should be okay. She seems to be trying and it must be very difficult for her. Maybe you could have a casual get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Speaking with your mom seems important but will probably go over better if no one's trying to force Thanksgiving on her. If I read this all wrong...sorry! I do hope this all gets resolved for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 If I'm reading this correctly...your mom has her husband's daughter over on Sundays, besides being a reminder of her husband's first wife, she also has a difficult past with his daughter... If that's the situation, I give your mom credit for putting her husband first regarding Sundays. If she's not ready to do thanksgiving that should be okay. She seems to be trying and it must be very difficult for her. Maybe you could have a casual get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Speaking with your mom seems important but will probably go over better if no one's trying to force Thanksgiving on her. If I read this all wrong...sorry! I do hope this all gets resolved for you! :iagree: It sounds like the whole situation is very hurtful for your mother and I think it would be really hard on her to have you side with your recently reunited sister. I would respect mom's feelings and try to have a separate celebration with your sister. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vkay Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 You can't force forgiveness and you shouldn't use emotional blackmail to get her to invite your sister to Thanksgiving. Forcing her, I believe, will just build more resentment. Time and talking is probably your best hope. Have they ever talked about what happened? Are they civil on Sundays? If not, maybe you can play the mediator and help them communicate together. If your mom isn't ready by Thanksgiving to celebrate with her as part of the family, then you will just have to choose to offer to host and invite both, or treat it like many of us treat in-laws....... rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving. gl.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Does time permit you to have your sis over for a seperate Thanksgiving with you? I guess I would leave Mom to her own devices, personally, because she's the one who has to (or not) come to terms and forgiveness for things past. Sounds like you already did that. Rather than strain your relationship with your mom (and you know it will head in that direction if you press her), maintain both by inviting your sister over for a special celebration aside from Mom's Thanksgiving. I think the relationship your Mom has with your sis might better be left up to your sister and your dad to deal with. JMO :grouphug: :iagree: I think you need to support your mom. There is probably more to their history that you aren't aware of, and it's not for you to force acceptance and forgiveness onto your mother. I think you should have your sister over another time- Wed or Sat maybe, but don't hurt your mom by making her miss out on her family at Thanksgiving. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Time and talking is probably your best hope. Have they ever talked about what happened? Are they civil on Sundays? If not, maybe you can play the mediator and help them communicate together. If your mom isn't ready by Thanksgiving to celebrate with her as part of the family, then you will just have to choose to offer to host and invite both, or treat it like many of us treat in-laws....... rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving. gl.... :iagree: I'd be asking Mum to put up with sister for one of the holidays and let her pick whether that'll be Christmas or Thanksgiving. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Is it poss to play ignorant? Pretend everything's fine, & yes, offer to host T'giving at your house, "so there's room for everyone." Maybe that would give your mom a chance to say, "Ok, fine, sis can come" w/out losing face. This is totally me at holidays. So many people in my fam don't want to see ea other, or only on certain grounds. But they'll all come to my house. And they may well all tell me afterward that the other ones stayed too long, lol, because they were all hoping the others would leave early, etc. I figure offering common ground & neutral territory is an important part of building family. Even when there's only 900sf to do it in. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) WWYD in this situation? If Thanksgiving is ALways at your mother's house, I'd wouldn't change it, and I'd respect her wishes. I would discuss it if my mother brought it up, but I would not press my mother to "forgive". However, you have a different mother. For me, respect for my parents comes first. There could also be an inside story you don't know, like Dad is giving her money, or Dad gave up doing some Sunday thing with his wife to be with his prodigal daughter, etc. Dad has talked about revamping the will, etc. You just never know what goes on as a back story. If Thanksgiving is a very mobile thing, and you have it at this house and then that house, etc. you could have it at yours. Remember you Dad will be deprived of both his daughters that way, and his grandkids.... and your gp will not see your kids, and your kids won't see their ggp's. But if TG is always at your mom's, I wouldn't break that. You are more likely to eventually get your mother to relent by not breaking her heart on the first TG since this woman has reappeared. Edited October 29, 2009 by kalanamak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks so much for the responses. Some of you asked if I knew all the history. Actually...I DO know all the history btwn the 2 of them b/c my mother never lost an opportunity to tell everyone w/in hearing distance. I can't give details, but there IS a lot of hurt. Dad had a very dysfunctional family before he met my mother. His kids were mostly grown by that point and my sister and 2 half-brothers lived with them for a time (less than a year I think) b/c Dad's ex had some mental health challenges. Anyway, I know Mom put up with a ton of junk from sis. My sister, a few years ago, wrote Mom and our Dad a letter of apology for specifics things that she did, said and anything that she couldn't remember or didn't know had caused any hurt. I remember Mom laughing at it and saying, "too little, too late". I'm torn. I want to support my Mom. I love her. However, my God tells me that we are to forgive as He has forgiven us. I don't think I can eat dinner with my Mother knowing that my sister and niece are eating alone, having been told they are NOT invited to eat with the family. My next step is to talk to my father alone and see what he wants to do. Thanks again for the replies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I AM glad that your sister has tried to apologize to your Mom. I had been wondering that--or if she had just suddenly "appeared" and expected everything to be peachykeen. I'm soooo glad she tried to apologize. However, I agree the ball is in your parents' court. None of us would want to be forced to invite someone into our homes who had mistreated us so badly in the past. Trying to force your Mom, IMHO, will not have a positive effect toward reconciliation. If I were you, I would go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving as normal and set up another time to celebrate with my sister. I would be open that I wanted to do that, but I wouldn't be snarky or holier than thou toward the parents about it, either. I think talking with your Dad is a great idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks so much for the responses. Some of you asked if I knew all the history. Actually...I DO know all the history btwn the 2 of them b/c my mother never lost an opportunity to tell everyone w/in hearing distance. I can't give details, but there IS a lot of hurt. Dad had a very dysfunctional family before he met my mother. His kids were mostly grown by that point and my sister and 2 half-brothers lived with them for a time (less than a year I think) b/c Dad's ex had some mental health challenges. Anyway, I know Mom put up with a ton of junk from sis. My sister, a few years ago, wrote Mom and our Dad a letter of apology for specifics things that she did, said and anything that she couldn't remember or didn't know had caused any hurt. I remember Mom laughing at it and saying, "too little, too late". I'm torn. I want to support my Mom. I love her. However, my God tells me that we are to forgive as He has forgiven us. I don't think I can eat dinner with my Mother knowing that my sister and niece are eating alone, having been told they are NOT invited to eat with the family. My next step is to talk to my father alone and see what he wants to do. Thanks again for the replies. I know you are disappointed in your Moms attitude towards your sister, but be careful of how you are judging her because in a sense you are acting like her when you judge her. She is offended at your sister but YOU are offended at her, to the point that you don't want to eat Thanksgiving dinner with her. The poison of unforgiveness and judgement will only grow deeper in your family if you continue with that mind set. Perhaps you should ask yourself, who will be offended at you if you snub your Mom on Thanksgiving and then want to snub you for treating your Mom that way. These kinds of attitudes and actions could go on and on and effect your whole family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam101 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 It sounds like the whole situation is very hurtful for your mother and I think it would be really hard on her to have you side with your recently reunited sister. I would respect mom's feelings and try to have a separate celebration with your sister. Lisa If I'm reading this correctly...your mom has her husband's daughter over on Sundays, besides being a reminder of her husband's first wife, she also has a difficult past with his daughter... If that's the situation, I give your mom credit for putting her husband first regarding Sundays. If she's not ready to do thanksgiving that should be okay. She seems to be trying and it must be very difficult for her. Maybe you could have a casual get together on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Speaking with your mom seems important but will probably go over better if no one's trying to force Thanksgiving on her. If I read this all wrong...sorry! I do hope this all gets resolved for you! :iagree: My husband doesn't get along with most of his sibs. Bad blood from when they were all kids and other stuff as well. One thing I've learned from my IL's interactions is holidays are the WORST time to try and resolve family dynamics. Just makes for miserable holidays!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Let me clarify....I am not judging my mother. I know it sounds an awful lot like judgement, but it isn't. I understand her feelings and desire to eat dinner w/out my sister. She's never been shy about her feelings re: my sister. My sister and niece are also a bit overweight and my mother has never been shy about her judgements about their appearance, either. My mother is a very judgemental person. I grew up with her judgements...I know. SHe is also very kind-hearted and would give you anything. My not wanting to eat with them isn't to "get back at my mom". I just couldn't do it out of compassion for my sister. I would just feel sick to my stomach. It's not out of judgement against my mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 When someone has been hurt badly, I think it is okay for that person to say, "You can come back into my life to this extent, but not more." As time passes, and the person who did the hurting earns trust, those boundaries may be extended. It is wonderful that your sister wrote the letter of apology. However, it is normal and natural that those she hurt will be reluctant to trust her again, and reluctant to allow her full access into the things/events that mean the most. Some will welcome her back more quickly than others--but each of us gets to determine for ourselves when trust is really there. I think your mother's vocal complaining is obscuring her legitimate hurt, and her legitimate feelings of not wanting to be hurt again. If she always hosts Thanksgiving, then I would not dictate to her how it needs to be or who gets to come. This is rude, and it will escalate the entire situation badly. Your sister's role in this is to be thankful that her apologies have brought her back into relationship with her father, and not to push herself upon those she has hurt before she has truly earned trust again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Man, Mom sure is pushing for a showdown isn't she? What does Dad say about the mess? What did I hear someone say the other day that was so awesome. Oh yeh, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person." :iagree: I think Dad needs to say something here as this is HIS daughter y'all are bickering over. Mom is crossing the line and manipulating everyone by behaving this way. Unfortunately, everyone gets hurt. She "wins". And hurt feelings simmer for years to come. This sounds like she wants this to happen for stepds to get the message from 30+ years ago. Wow. Dr. Phil may need to step in with her? Sorry to hear you are in the middle. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 When someone has been hurt badly, I think it is okay for that person to say, "You can come back into my life to this extent, but not more." As time passes, and the person who did the hurting earns trust, those boundaries may be extended. It is wonderful that your sister wrote the letter of apology. However, it is normal and natural that those she hurt will be reluctant to trust her again, and reluctant to allow her full access into the things/events that mean the most. Some will welcome her back more quickly than others--but each of us gets to determine for ourselves when trust is really there. I think your mother's vocal complaining is obscuring her legitimate hurt, and her legitimate feelings of not wanting to be hurt again. If she always hosts Thanksgiving, then I would not dictate to her how it needs to be or who gets to come. This is rude, and it will escalate the entire situation badly. Your sister's role in this is to be thankful that her apologies have brought her back into relationship with her father, and not to push herself upon those she has hurt before she has truly earned trust again. :iagree: I think you should spend Thanksgiving with your parents, then have a separate T'giving dinner on another day with your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks so much for the responses. Some of you asked if I knew all the history. Actually...I DO know all the history btwn the 2 of them b/c my mother never lost an opportunity to tell everyone w/in hearing distance. I can't give details, but there IS a lot of hurt. Dad had a very dysfunctional family before he met my mother. His kids were mostly grown by that point and my sister and 2 half-brothers lived with them for a time (less than a year I think) b/c Dad's ex had some mental health challenges. Anyway, I know Mom put up with a ton of junk from sis. My sister, a few years ago, wrote Mom and our Dad a letter of apology for specifics things that she did, said and anything that she couldn't remember or didn't know had caused any hurt. I remember Mom laughing at it and saying, "too little, too late". I'm torn. I want to support my Mom. I love her. However, my God tells me that we are to forgive as He has forgiven us. I don't think I can eat dinner with my Mother knowing that my sister and niece are eating alone, having been told they are NOT invited to eat with the family. My next step is to talk to my father alone and see what he wants to do. Thanks again for the replies. your poor mother is the one suffering by not forgiving, and she doesn't even realize this. Obviously there is deep hurt. It must have been an awful situation. Your sister obviously realizes the errors in her past and it's great she accepted responsibility for it and apologized. Unfortunately, the damage was already done. :grouphug::grouphug: I hope it all works out for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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