Beyond Frustrated - LONG!

[AlmiraGulch]

Actually, I'm mad.

 

For various and sundry reasons, my idiot ex-husband is living in my house temporarily. He sleeps on my couch, has no job, pays me $50 a week that he gets from unemployment. He is supposed to keep my house clean, he takes my 6 year old to school, and is my built in "babysitter." I need him here for now because I travel frequently for my job. If he isn't here, I have no one to watch my kids while I'm gone. If I kick him out, he will go a) to jail, because he has to pay restitution for a felony he committed when he did actually have a job, or b) to Florida or New York. Neither of these options is good for me, because I will have no one to take care of the kids if he's gone.

 

I am responsible for my daughter's schooling (the one that is home schooled). I made the decision, researched all of the options, paid for everything, planned all her lessons, and so on. All I ask of him is to make sure she gets up in the morning (I was letting her get up on her own, but she was not doing it at the time we agreed to so now I make her get up at 7:00 after her sister goes to the bus stop) and occasionally check some of her work if I'm on a conference call for work or something (I work from home).

 

It is now 5:30 and my dd STILL has not completed her assignments for the day. She has been up and "working" since 7:00. We did leave the house together for about 2 hours.

 

I have made it very clear that she is not allowed to complete school work in the living room with the TV on. Period. I just left my office to go look for her and she is on the couch in front of the TV, doing.....nothing. Her excuse is that she just went down there because she was falling asleep in her room. I told her that she can sit in my office with me, like she usually does, but she cannot work in front of the TV. She went back upstairs and I lit into her father. I told him he is not allowed to continue to undermine me (but he will....he always has, which is much of the reason we are divorced), the i ask basically nothing of him, and that I fully expect him to step up and help me PARENT these children. Actually, he has no problem with the little, because she's easy. So he really doesn't have to do anything but be her playmate. He's good at that, because at nearly 50 years old he has about the maturity level of a 6 year old.

 

I'm so sick of this. I really want him OUT OF MY HOUSE! He makes things even harder than they have to be, the house is only halfway cleaned, he makes me feel like I'm putting him out when I tell him he needs to do something again.

 

But....my girls will miss him like crazy. They adore him, and they are basically all he has in his life. He will have to move out of state, and will likely be homeless (literally) for a couple of months before he can move. If he goes without petitioning the court he's in violation of his probation. He can't petition the court until he's up to date on his restitution payments, and that won't be for another month or two. I don't want my children to see their father that way. Plus, and this is the biggest thing, I really do need someone here to take care of them. I know I'll have to figure something out about that eventually (I was planning on somehow, some way finding someone to stay with them when I travel, but not until January), but I just can't take on one more thing right now. It's too much, and I think I'm going to lose it.

 

This is really nothing but a rant. I'm sick to death of being a parent to a 48 year old man that I divorced three years ago! BTW, he just moved back in here a few months ago when he was evicted from his apartment. Again.

 

Ever wonder how, as a smart, educated, self-confident woman you make such grotesquely wrong decisions?

 

I'm just so tired.

 

Any suggestions? How can I find someone to watch my kids that won't be a crazed, maniacal pedophile so I can get him OUT. :confused:

Edited September 14, 2009 by QValencia

[Stacie]

I can't offer any more than a :grouphug:

 

I sincerely hope it works out for the best for all of you.

[Carol in Cal.]

You can't afford not to have her be serious about schooling at that age. You could probably get away with it if she was younger, but not at this age. I don't know what you should do, exactly, but I would stop right now and think hard and figure that part of it out. How is she going to get school done? It's crunchtime!

 

If xH didn't step up when you were together, it's hard to imagine him stepping up when you're divorced. What DOES make him step up? If you manage him day by day does he step up reliably? If you threaten him, does he step up temporarily? How long does that last? If it's a week, are you willing to threaten him every single week from now on, convincingly enough to make him step up? Are you willing to reparent this man? If you did this, and he did step up, would your DD get school done well and reliably? If not, then you have to figure out an alternative, pronto. If so, then you have to decide whether you're willing to pay that price or not (the price being, making him step up.) I don't think that there is a single answer to that question. I'm really not sure what I would do.

 

No offense, this is feedback, not condemnation, but there is a really wise saying that you might want to meditate on just a bit. It is, "Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results."

 

A second issue--what kind of influence is he on your children? I know they love him, but would you be able to live with it if they emulated him? Again, that's a question for you to answer for yourself, not a rhetorical one.

 

THEN and only then do you consider the third issue--"How do I come up with a good alternative?"

[Guest sarathan]

I have no real advice, all I can offer is a big :grouphug:.

 

I agree with the pp, your older daughter needs to be serious about her school. Next year she will be in high school and it just can't go on like this. You said he's living with you "temporarily". What is your plan after he leaves? What were you doing with your kids before he moved in?

Edited September 14, 2009 by sarathan

[AlmiraGulch]

You can't afford not to have her be serious about schooling at that age. You could probably get away with it if she was younger, but not at this age. I don't know what you should do, exactly, but I would stop right now and think hard and figure that part of it out. How is she going to get school done? It's crunchtime! You are so completely right. Actually she has been doing so much better with school this year than any other. The quality has gone way up already, just based on curriculum selection and my ability to be with her and give her personal, individualized feedback. She has her days, for sure, and she's SLOW, but the biggest problem here for me is HIM! When she's messing around, he should enforce the rules. If I were here alone, I would do it. With him here, I shouldn't have to. After all, I'm the one working to support this household.

 

If xH didn't step up when you were together, it's hard to imagine him stepping up when you're divorced. Right again.What DOES make him step up? If you manage him day by day does he step up reliably? YES. If you threaten him, does he step up temporarily? YEP. How long does that last? If it's a week, are you willing to threaten him every single week from now on, convincingly enough to make him step up? I've had to so far, so I guess I'll have to. Are you willing to reparent this man? If you did this, and he did step up, would your DD get school done well and reliably? Sadly, yes. If not, then you have to figure out an alternative, pronto. If so, then you have to decide whether you're willing to pay that price or not (the price being, making him step up.) I don't think that there is a single answer to that question. I'm really not sure what I would do.

 

No offense, this is feedback, not condemnation, but there is a really wise saying that you might want to meditate on just a bit. It is, "Insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results." No offense taken. You're 100% correct. I'm just out of alternatives, and I don't want to do nothing, so I do what I know. It doesn't work. Sigh.

 

A second issue--what kind of influence is he on your children? I know they love him, but would you be able to live with it if they emulated him? Again, that's a question for you to answer for yourself, not a rhetorical one. You are a wise woman! He is a very good "dad." He loves them, plays with them, talks to them, etc. He is a lousy father. So cliche, but true. One of my biggest concerns is that they'll see our dynamic as how a relationship should be between a man and a woman. I want them to know that there are strong, responsible men out there (because I'm certain there are somewhere!) and that they should settle for nothing less. They should not have to parent the man they choose to marry, like I have to their father. My mistake. I need to figure out how to correct it in their eyes.

 

THEN and only then do you consider the third issue--"How do I come up with a good alternative?"

 

Thank you so much for your response! I feel like it came from my sister, except hers would have been a bit more colorful. :-)

[Chris in VA]

If you are trying to make him change, forget it.

He won't change unless it's too uncomfortable for him to remain the same.

By rescuing him, are you truly helping?

What are you showing your girls by enabling him? (Perhaps you are not enabling.)

 

Try Sittercity for a screened babysitter. You might even find someone like me, who would be blessed to homeschool your dd for you (or "tutor," if you are uncomfy with calling it homeschooling if someone else does it...). Just be prepared to pay well.

 

Lastly--I'm sorry you have to go thru such a carpy thing.:grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

If you are trying to make him change, forget it.

He won't change unless it's too uncomfortable for him to remain the same.

By rescuing him, are you truly helping?

What are you showing your girls by enabling him? (Perhaps you are not enabling.)

 

Try Sittercity for a screened babysitter. You might even find someone like me, who would be blessed to homeschool your dd for you (or "tutor," if you are uncomfy with calling it homeschooling if someone else does it...). Just be prepared to pay well.

 

Lastly--I'm sorry you have to go thru such a carpy thing.:grouphug:

Thanks. No, not trying to get him to change at all (never worked in the 11 years we were married, so I have no delusions that it will happen now). And I suppose I am enabling him. He lives in my nice home eating my food, using my electricity and breathing my air. He has it pretty nice. The worst part for him is that I don't even let him sleep on the couch anymore because he was squishing the cushions, so he has moved to an air mattress on the floor. I'd say he has it pretty good. I'm just kind of stuck between a rock and hard place, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I found a couple of people on Sittercity last year when he was working second shift and I needed someone to stay here over night and get the girls to the bus stop. Neither worked out. One gave me the creeps and one was not reliable. I'll pay whatever I have to. These are my kids and I need to know they are safe and secure and well taken care of when I'm away. I just can't find anyone because the work is not steady, but instead is based on individual project needs.

 

Thanks for the hugs! I needed it today.

[AlmiraGulch]

I can't offer any more than a :grouphug:

 

I sincerely hope it works out for the best for all of you.

 

Thanks! That means everything today.

[AlmiraGulch]

I can't offer any more than a :grouphug:

 

I sincerely hope it works out for the best for all of you.

 

I have no real advice, all I can offer is a big :grouphug:.

 

I agree with the pp, your older daughter needs to be serious about her school. Next year she will be in high school and it just can't go on like this. You said he's living with you "temporarily". What is your plan after he leaves? What were you doing with your kids before he moved in?

 

Before he moved in he lived in his own place and so they stayed with him, or actually, he usually stayed in my house when I traveled because he didn't live near me.

 

What am I going to do when he leaves? No idea whatsoever. Suggestions welcomed!

 

Thanks so much for the words of support. Very much appreciated!

[kalanamak]

 

Ever wonder how, as a smart, educated, self-confident woman you make such grotesquely wrong decisions?

 

 

 

Any woman without at least one horror story in her life is a complete coward. :)

[tdeveson]

May I say, with a lot of respect and sympathy, that this is completely self`-inflicted? Your children do not need this, and keeping the louse in the house "for the kids" seems like a terrible idea.

 

So they'll miss him. They'll get used to it. Children of divorced parents deal with it just fine.

 

Just my opinion. But I have some experience with a waste-of-oxygen ex-husband. The only thing your kids "need" is to have him and his disruptive behavior gone for good. Having him sit there like a slug without a job, doing nothing but watching TV all day is not an example you want for your children.

 

If you really want to do the right thing for your kids, show him the door.

[AlmiraGulch]

May I say, with a lot of respect and sympathy, that this is completely self`-inflicted? Your children do not need this, and keeping the louse in the house "for the kids" seems like a terrible idea.

 

So they'll miss him. They'll get used to it. Children of divorced parents deal with it just fine.

 

Just my opinion. But I have some experience with a waste-of-oxygen ex-husband. The only thing your kids "need" is to have him and his disruptive behavior gone for good. Having him sit there like a slug without a job, doing nothing but watching TV all day is not an example you want for your children.

 

If you really want to do the right thing for your kids, show him the door.

 

Yeah, you're right. I know it's self-inflicted. The truth is, it's not really about the kids at all, though. The only thing I'm not yet willing to do that is really "for the kids" is let him be completely homeless, even though it's his fault.

 

Really, it's about me. I could make him leave today, but then I have to work, and I have to travel, and I have no one to help. So until I can come up with a Mary Poppins, I'm not sure what else to do.

[AlmiraGulch]

Any woman without at least one horror story in her life is a complete coward. :)

:D

[Impish]

One other question comes to mind...

Could you get into legal hot water for hiding him at your home, rather than him being in jail?

 

Seems to me you're taking a bad risk.

 

I wish you all the best :grouphug:

[AlmiraGulch]

One other question comes to mind...

Could you get into legal hot water for hiding him at your home, rather than him being in jail?

 

Seems to me you're taking a bad risk.

 

I wish you all the best :grouphug:

 

I'm not hiding him! He's not supposed to be in jail right now. He's on probation. If he were to leave the state without petitioning the court for permission to do so it would be a probation violation and THAT could land him in jail.

 

Thanks for the concern, though, and the hugs! But no, I would never put myself in legal jeopardy for anyone, particularly this man.