Here's a situation for you - need help...

[StaceyinLA]

DD's bf's parents are going through a pretty nasty divorce. The kids have been sort of split up because the oldest 2 are home schooled and the youngest 2 aren't. The oldest son is going to live with his real dad (my friend never married him) and is doing school with the maternal grandmother during the day. Dd's bf was going to stay with them at first, but then asked to stay with us, which she does M-F.

 

I really wanted to do this for her. I feel like she has been kind of overlooked and I really didn't want to be just one more person to overlook her.

 

Things really aren't that bad, but she is a teen (now I have 4 teen girls in the house), and it certainly has changed the dynamic somewhat. In addition, she is committed to a dance class an hour away once/week (that lasts 2 hours), counseling once a week (that I often bring her to), occasional orthodontist appts, in addition to our Spanish (that she attends). Originally, her aunt was going to let her stay in that town after our Spanish and she would take her to dance, (and one of my oldest girls pick her up on their way home from work), but dd's bf felt like she was living out of a suitcase, and didn't really want to do that if she didn't have to. It meant she was here one night, there a night, back here 2 nights, then to either Mom or Dad for the weekend (pretty messed up).

 

I have just found that it is really a lot. I don't want to let her down, but I am just so worn out with all the extra stuff that's on me now. It has been a lot tougher on my kids than I thought, partly because she is SO much like family that they have a lot of similar squabbles with her that they have with one another.

 

In addition to all of this, I really think she is going through some depression (she is in counseling), and has GOT to be missing being with her siblings. She is angry at both parents though, and doesn't want to be with either of them right now. Her dad is a TOTAL psycho (not kidding), and her mom is in her last semester of nursing school and is a bit unattainable I think.

 

This is a really sweet girl - not a troublemaker in the least. She is just going through a really tough time and I want to try and help do what is best for her. She is 14 1/2 years old (a tough time of life anyway).

 

WWYD about this?

[beansprouts]

I think it would be a very compassionate thing to do. Have you talked with your husband about it?

[StaceyinLA]

the wrong decision due to the effects it is having on us and what I think is some loneliness/depression on her part.

[beansprouts]

Divorce is so traumatic for kids. It literally hurts my heart to see families split apart. I wish I could be more helpful.

[Kris]

I can see why you're having second thoughts, but if you think you have any chance at all of pulling it off, I'd try to stick with it. I know that's easy to say since I'm not in your position, but it sounds like she's really been let down by the people who are supposed to be taking care of her and if she's already depressed, it won't help for her to be moved again.

 

Have you been able to determine where *she* wants to be? She might not even know herself if she is depressed -- and it would certainly be understandable if she is. Maybe you can talk to her and try to help her figure it out? Maybe her counselor can help her sort it out?

 

Do you have any idea how long a commitment this might be?

[Mrs Mungo]

If it were me and I already had the girl in my home I would be hesitant to move her again. Is there any way you could arrange some transportation help to ease the burden? Are there other moms who might be willing to meet you halfway or anything like that?

[StaceyinLA]

I know it's hard for her. I'm trying to do my best, but I have never been in this type of situation so I'm at a loss.

 

There is really no other help with the driving available, as we are so far away from the class, and from any of her family that could help.

[Scarlett]

I think the answer is to leave things as they are (she is already living with you) until her Mom finishes this last semester of nursing school. Then her mother can perhaps begin to be a mother again and the girl can move back home.

 

I sure was relieved to figure out you were talking about your dd's BEST FRIEND and not boy friend. Whew.

[Unicorn.]

Who was driving her to her class? I have a friend in nursing school, so I understand about mom being unattainable. I guess I'm just trying to figure out why the person who was driving her to class can't still do it.

 

 

I think you are doing a wonderful thing for this child, but maybe she should be w/ her family. As you said, she is at a tough age anyway, and by living with you, she might not be processing everything, as in using you as an escape. Then again, uprooting her now, may cause some resentment towards your family. I apologize for rambling, It is really a tough situation.

 

Bless you for caring so much for this little girl. I guess the only advice I have is to follow your mommy instincts on this one.

[Kris]

I sure was relieved to figure out you were talking about your dd's BEST FRIEND and not boy friend. Whew.

 

Took me awhile to figure that one out, too. I'm so glad I wasn't the only one! :smilielol5:

[gandpsmommy]

Stacey, I just want to say God bless you for caring about this girl and for opening your home to her. I know it is not easy to do this. I am a very introverted person, and I think it would be challenging to have someone outside our immediate family living in our home all the time. I can't share details, but I know from experience how incredibly life-changing an opportunity like this (to live in a stable environment, with caring people) can be for a young person who has had a troubled family life. If there is any way at all that you can continue to help this girl, I would.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Fifteen years ago, my husband and I took in foster daughters who were expecting. One child was expecting not through her own consent and 14. She had been removed from the home. Once she had her baby and put him up for adoption, a family came through to adopt her. After five months, the mother decided she no longer wanted to adopt the girl.

 

This child had been through SO much. That was her breaking point. She rebeled in her next home; she ended up pregnant again, this time with her consent.

 

I'm obviously condensing a long story into a short one, but if you CAN and are so called, keep on keeping on and working through the difficulties.

 

On the other hand, we were not the people to keep her. I loved her like my own, but can totally see how it would not have been healthy or good for her in the long run.

 

Not very helpful, but know that God truly does know what should happen in this situation and will make that way plain in His time.

[StaceyinLA]

I don't know what is going to happen. Her mother is out of school next week for spring break, and I'm at least hoping she'll spend the week there to try and work on some thing with her mom.

 

The person who was bringing her to dance was her aunt, when she, her mom and siblings were living there. We are now an hour from her aunt so her continuing to do this is not an option unless K stays with her one night during the week and one of my dd's picks her up from the class afterward. It's just so much bouncing around for her to do that.

 

I just don't want her to be escaping the situation. She NEEDS to be with her family, and it just seems like this might be the easy way out for her.

[RoughCollie]

Well, I'd make the dance class her parents' problem. I think it is lovely of you to take this girl into your home and family. But that's enough -- the dance class seems like the straw that is breaking the camel's back, to me. The way I see it, she has to fit into your family if she is going to live there, not your family has to fit in with her.

 

If she doesn't want to spend the night with her aunt, and her own relatives can't or won't take her to the dance class, then she'll have to decide whether the dance class is important enough for her to have to live with one of her own family members.

 

I feel sorry for the girl. Her family is destroyed, it sounds like to me, even if it is for the best because her father is a psycho.

 

As far as her continuing to live with you, what do your kids, your DH, and her mother and her therapist think about it? Maybe you all need a group meeting so everyone can say what they think and a decision can be made one way or another.

 

I cannot imagine a mother letting her child go live with another family, I just cannot. I bet this poor girl feels completely rejected.

 

You can't make it all better for this girl. You can make it some better, but it is not your responsibility to do so to your or your family's detriment. She is her parents' responsibility, whether they or she like it or not.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I agree. The dance class seems to be the crux of the problem. You might want to clear it with her counselor first (is dance therapeutic in some way?), but it seems to me that she needs to decide how important that dance class is to her right now. If she absolutely loves it, or needs it for some reason, then she needs to be willing to deal with the inconvenience of getting there (staying overnight with her aunt, or finding another ride). If staying put at your house is more important to her, then she needs to think about giving up the class for now.