I'm starting to wonder if Dr. Phil is taping an episode at the neighbor's house...

[*********]

We have a neighbor that screams. A lot. The man yells at his kids all.the.time. It drives me nuts. If we're in our back yard, we hear him carrying on. And it's not like, oh, maybe he's having a bad day or something. It's INSANE. He curses at his kids. Seriously. He'll use the 'F' word directly at them. From what we can gather, it's mom, dad, two boys about ages 8 and 11, and a young toddler girl in the house. (This neighbor actually lives in the neighborhood that makes a 'T' with ours; it's kinda hard to explain, but we don't really live in the same neigborhood. There's no way to get to his street from ours, besides hopping our back fence.)

 

It really is as bad as one of those families that you'd see on a talk show. I have NEVER known a family like this. EVERY TIME we hear the guy talk to his wife or kids, he's being, well, a huge jerk. Cussing, condescending, putting them down. It's so awful.

 

Like yesterday. Dh is out back, painting the house. I go to take him some iced tea, and I hear neighbor guy yell at one of the boys 'GO! Get outta here! I don't want to see your face for at least an hour!' The boy says 'where am I supposed to go?' Dad says 'Um, to the other neighborhood, DUH?' Then proceeds to mock the boy. In other words, the dad wanted the boy to jump our fence and come wander around in our neighborhood for an hour, because he was annoying the dad. And can I just mention here, dh and I have llike 3/4 of an acre out back, it's not like we're right up next to this guy's house or anything. He's yelling, for sure. And, I might also add, we've never even MET these people, yet they assume it's ok with us if their kids hop our fence and walk thru our yard to get to our neighborhood. But, that's another issue....

 

Now, I'm not trying to sound snobby, or stuck up, or whatever. But we don't live in a neighborhood where this is common. We live in a nice, quiet suburb. I've not had this experience with ANY of the other neighbors. All of the neighbors in our actual neighborhood (not the adjacent one), are great.

 

So, what can I do? I mean, it's very disturbing to listen to this guy. The children and I don't play in the back yard, we play in the front. But that's because, ever since we've bought the house (um, 4 years ago, but I digress) the back yard has been a HUGE construction site. Well, it's FINALLY starting to take shape, and turning into the yard we've been working towards. So eventually, we'll want to spend a lot of time back there. But I wouldn't want my kids hearing what this guy says. Not to mention, I'm frankly very worried for his kids and his wife. But like I said, we don't even KNOW them!

 

What in the world can we do? Anything?

[Sue G in PA]

If you suspect any type of abuse (verbal or physical) you should report it. If this is an everyday occurence and not simply just the guy letting off some steam after a bad day...I would report him. If not that, then perhaps have your dh confront this man and tell him that you don't appreciate his cursing so loudly b/c your children can hear him. Just my 2 cents...if it were me? I would probably opt for #1 if it is as bad as you say and you are really worried.

[katemary63]

I'd call the authorities. He's abusing those kids.

[gingersmom]

I lived in an apartment and the family on the floor below mine was 2 adults and 2 kids. Their apartment faced the front of the building (5 stories, 3 apartments a floor, so everyone knew everyone else). They would leave open their windows and scream and scream at their kids. All day long.

 

All the children would gather in front of the building to play (kinda like a courtyard) and could hear them. Adults would be out front too listening. It never seemed to bother anyone but me.

 

It was so sad. The kids were 8 and 9 and my heart just broke for them.

 

The mother (when she was not yelling) was quite nice as was the father.

 

I still shake my head in amazement whenever I think about it.

[*********]

I'd call the authorities. He's abusing those kids.

 

I realize this seems the obvious thing to do. But dh and I are hesitant, for a few reasons.

 

One, what are we gonna tell the police? That we've heard some guy yelling at some other people? I guess I'm worried that we'll sound a bit crazy ourselves, since we don't know the neighbors (and can't even see the people 'cause of all the trees and greenery).

 

Two, I guess I'm worried that the police will come, they'll tell dad to quiet down, they'll leave, and then nothing will change. Or worse, then the dad will be even WORSE when they leave.

 

I guess it's just that dh and I have never had to call the 'authorities' in this type of situation before, and we're worried we'll actually make things worse for the kids (as well as the mom) instead of better.

 

Ugh.

[babysparkler]

I lived in an apartment and the family on the floor below mine was 2 adults and 2 kids. Their apartment faced the front of the building (5 stories, 3 apartments a floor, so everyone knew everyone else). They would leave open their windows and scream and scream at their kids. All day long.

 

All the children would gather in front of the building to play (kinda like a courtyard) and could hear them. Adults would be out front too listening. It never seemed to bother anyone but me.

 

It was so sad. The kids were 8 and 9 and my heart just broke for them.

 

The mother (when she was not yelling) was quite nice as was the father.

 

I still shake my head in amazement whenever I think about it.

 

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

Edited September 7, 2009 by babysparkler

[babysparkler]

Two, I guess I'm worried that the police will come, they'll tell dad to quiet down, they'll leave, and then nothing will change. Or worse, then the dad will be even WORSE when they leave.

 

Yes... that also happened to us when my mom would call the police... Honestly, they would take my dad to jail for the night, and when they released him the next morning, it would definitely be worse, much worse. BUT, it was comforting to know, as a kid, that at least someone was doing something and that there was a record of it, and I was thankful for it.

[Mommyof4ks]

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

 

:grouphug: I cannot even imagine what you went through. This is exactly what the foster kids that my parents took care of said though. They were thankful for those willing to step up and call.

 

I would call. You never know that one call may convince mom to walk away from him. It may not, but at least you would send the message to her that someone else thinks this is not right.

[i.love.lucy]

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Colleen]

But we don't even KNOW them!

 

What in the world can we do? Anything?

Ummm...when you read those two sentences, one right after another as you wrote them, isn't it pretty obvious what you can do? Get to know them! Introduce yourself. Reach out. How can you be truly worried about someone and yet make no effort to even connect with them?

If you suspect any type of abuse (verbal or physical) you should report it.

I'd call the authorities. He's abusing those kids.

I think this is patently ridiculous; I truly do. Understand, I'm by no means defending the guy but for goodness sake people, have we really devolved to the point wherein we'll report someone for abuse based on cursing and yelling when we haven't so much as made the effort, ever, to even MEET the person? Good grief.

[tex-mex]

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

 

:iagree:

[iluvmy4blessings]

I know that you can file a report anonymously, so no harm doing that. In today's world, perfectly good parents who have done nothing wrong at all get reported so why not report someone for something that is real and serious?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Ummm...when you read those two sentences, one right after another as you wrote them, isn't it pretty obvious what you can do? Get to know them! Introduce yourself. Reach out. How can you be truly worried about someone and yet make no effort to even connect with them?

 

I think this is patently ridiculous; I truly do. Understand, I'm by no means defending the guy but for goodness sake people, have we really devolved to the point wherein we'll report someone for abuse based on cursing and yelling when we haven't so much as made the effort, ever, to even MEET the person? Good grief.

 

 

No. As someone who has SEEN these situations first-hand. NO. Not a good idea.

 

 

If you are so inclined to go over and meet the woman who lives there, you may want to do so when HE is gone, but I would not knowingly walk into a situation that I could hear was that volatile.

 

no way. no how. When I went into those situations I had a police escort.

 

Please be careful and make that call.

[Peela]

I honestly wouldn't call the police to report them. I might call the police to ask what I could do, and explain the situation, so that if it ever came to needing to call the police, they already knew the situation.

 

I agree that actually going over and meeting them might be a good idea- because then they "know" their back neighbour and it might make the dad just self conscious enough not to do it anymore.

 

But to tell the truth, what I do in situations like that, and I am surprised no one here has mentioned it all considering, is pray. I have prayed in many similar situaitions and it absolutely always amazes me, but it always has an effect. And in case you dont know me, I am not Christian, but I still believe in the power of prayer. I would pray for the welfare of the family, the children, and the father, and ask that they get what help they need. I see it as sending love, and it has an effect whether you notice it or not, but I often do notice it.

 

Doesn't mean you may not need to act, but it puts you in a clearer space to act from, too.

[iluvmy4blessings]

No. As someone who has SEEN these situations first-hand. NO. Not a good idea.

 

 

If you are so inclined to go over and meet the woman who lives there, you may want to do so when HE is gone, but I would not knowingly walk into a situation that I could hear was that volatile.

 

no way. no how. When I went into those situations I had a police escort.

 

Please be careful and make that call.

 

I have to agree. It seems like a good idea, but it almost never works out in your favor. I have had neighbors/friends who always have domestic disputes. Getting involved is always the worst thing to do. People like this tend to live in a cycle of violence and even when offered an "out", they may not take it. They may cling to you when they decide they need help. Yet when they decide to go back into the abusive situation, they suddenly resent you for suggesting they leave. I know that this may or may not be what you are dealing with, but that has been my past experience . It's also very difficult if you live next door to the situation. Once you open the door and let them into your life, then there you are. You live there. They live next door and the privacy "fence" is gone. For all you know, you may have someone knocking on your door at all hours of the day and night wanting to involve you in something. I only say this b/c I have had this issue in the past with a neighbor I attempted to help . Instead it was an ongoing soap opera. I am now VERY careful of getting too involved with my neighbors. I want my home to be my refuge. Once you let the guard down too far, some people take over. At the same time ,you want to do something to help. For me, it would be to help in a way that still maintains my privacy and safety. So for me it would be to make a phone call to child protective services.

[Colleen]

 

No. As someone who has SEEN these situations first-hand. NO. Not a good idea. If you are so inclined to go over and meet the woman who lives there, you may want to do so when HE is gone, but I would not knowingly walk into a situation that I could hear was that volatile.

I'm assuming the original poster has the common sense not to "walk into" anything when the guy's yelling and cursing. But the reality is that even in volatile situations there are opportunities to reach out to people. I consider it the height of irresponsibility to advise people, merely on the basis of a few paragraphs shared on an online message board, to call CPS, etc. Peela offered good advice in her post.

 

Edited September 7, 2009 by Colleen

[joannqn]

I realize this seems the obvious thing to do. But dh and I are hesitant, for a few reasons.

 

One, what are we gonna tell the police? That we've heard some guy yelling at some other people? I guess I'm worried that we'll sound a bit crazy ourselves, since we don't know the neighbors (and can't even see the people 'cause of all the trees and greenery).

 

Two, I guess I'm worried that the police will come, they'll tell dad to quiet down, they'll leave, and then nothing will change. Or worse, then the dad will be even WORSE when they leave.

 

I guess it's just that dh and I have never had to call the 'authorities' in this type of situation before, and we're worried we'll actually make things worse for the kids (as well as the mom) instead of better.

 

Ugh.

 

Next time he's yelling and cursing, you call the police and report a domestic dispute. All you have to do is give them the address, tell them you can hear a lot of cursing and yelling and you are worried about the kids' safety. They will stop by and do a welfare check. If they find all is ok, they'll leave but there will be a record for next time. Enough next times and authorities will step in. If they find things are not ok, they'll do what is required.

 

Yes, it may make things worse, but things usually get worse anyway even if nothing is done. Making that call may be what is needed to help the situation. Doing nothing is...well...doing nothing.

 

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

 

:iagree:

 

When I became an adult living on my own, I was quite pissed to find out that my neighbors "always wondered" what was going on but never said or did anything. I felt like I may have been spared a lot of grief, including suicidal depression, had someone stepped in to help.

 

 

I think the idea to go meet them and get to know them is a bad idea, especially from the way the OP described the neighborhood. She'd have to walk into what sounds like an entirely different neighborhood/development, knock on the door, and essentially say, "We hear you yelling at your wife and kids all the time and just wanted to stop by and say hi...see if we could do anything to help you be less of a jerk."

 

Make the call next time you hear him yelling and let those with training handle it. Call every time it's bad.

[SonshineLearner]

videotape it...even if you can't "see" it....

Carrie

[joannqn]

videotape it...even if you can't "see" it....

Carrie

 

 

This reminded me of something. Do you think that the police dispatcher would be able to hear the yelling if you called from your backyard? If so, take the phone outside when you call.

 

I had to call on a previous neighbor who lived across the street. I was in my house when I called and the dispatcher heard the mom yelling even though she was inside her house with the doors and windows closed. I explained all that when the dispatcher asked if it was the mom she had just heard. It didn't take long for the police to show up.

[Colleen]

 

I only say this b/c I have had this issue in the past with a neighbor I attempted to help . Instead it was an ongoing soap opera. I am now VERY careful of getting too involved with my neighbors. I want my home to be my refuge. Once you let the guard down too far, some people take over.

I understand what you're saying and you raise a valid point. I don't agree, though, that introducing oneself qualifies as getting too involved or letting your guard down too far.

I think the idea to go meet them and get to know them is a bad idea, especially from the way the OP described the neighborhood. She'd have to walk into what sounds like an entirely different neighborhood/development, knock on the door, and essentially say, "We hear you yelling at your wife and kids all the time and just wanted to stop by and say hi...see if we could do anything to help you be less of a jerk."

Of course not.:rolleyes: Try, "I just realized we've never met even though we're practically neighbors. Our house is on the other side of the fence there so I thought I'd come over and introduce myself...."

 

[buddhabelly]

I just wanted to point out that emotional abuse is against the law. So child abuse is already happening here. "Constantly blames, belittles, or berates the child" is one of the criteria of emotional abuse.

 

I am so sad for this child. I know your heart is breaking too. Can you invite the child to play in your yard?

 

Julie

[unsinkable]

This sounds like my house growing up... all of the neighbors and neighbor kids would stand around outside listening as my Dad screamed and beat my mom and us kids (and this was pretty often), but no one ever did a thing about it. It was so embarrassing for me, and broke my heart that no one cared enough about us to stop it... they just wanted to enjoy the show.

 

Please call the police next time. Those poor kids deserve so much better.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry, Jill. I had the same childhood.

 

I once ran to neighbors on either side, banging on the doors for help, to please call the police & neither one of them answered the door or helped or called the police.

[lgm]

We have one of these families in our neighborhood. The police advised us to make no contact - simply call when the domestic or neighbor disputes become loud. They are trained, will be there quickly, and will handle the rest. Women specifically should not be confronting abusive men as there will be retribution. In my state, the court will give the physically abusive man an option - move out & get treatment or put the children in foster care.

 

You may be called to trial as a witness when the nutcase does snap. I lucked out in that dept. - a male visitor to a neighbor heard, saw, and called police while I just heard the beginning.

 

If you know a teacher in the children's school - clue them in.

Edited September 7, 2009 by lgm

[jujsky]

I'm assuming the original poster has the common sense not to "walk into" anything when the guy's yelling and cursing. But the reality is that even in volatile situations there are opportunities to reach out to people. I consider it the height of irresponsibility to advise people, merely on the basis of a few paragraphs shared on an online message board, to call CPS, etc. Peela offered good advice in her post.

 

:iagree: I think calling CPS over yelling is over-the-top -- especially when you don't know the people or the situation. Sure, the guy sounds like a jerk and in serious need of parenting courses, anger-management courses, or both, but calling CPS is a pretty serious step.

[Stacy in NJ]

out of control. It's really unlikely that you'll be able to befriend this family and then create change within their family dynamics. A police stop by may embarrass him and possible cause him to reflect on how he's coming across within the neighborhood. It may also cause his wife to reflect. Inserting yourself into their family situation may not make it worse for the children or wife, but may make an uncomfortable situation for you. I don't know that you want this guys attention.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think calling CPS over yelling is over-the-top -- especially when you don't know the people or the situation. Sure, the guy sounds like a jerk and in serious need of parenting courses, anger-management courses, or both, but calling CPS is a pretty serious step.

 

I agree. However, sometimes a visit by CPS gets someone to think. And they can offer parenting classes and such if needed. I think of the good CPS can sometimes do and these are the perfect situations for that. AND if something more IS going on, they are involved so the kids will be safe.

 

But I don't know that I'd be able to call without something more.

 

As for visiting with the family? Well....I don't think that is very easily done, but maybe, when he isn't home, something like, "Hi. I'm the neighbor on the other side of the fence. Since your kids sometimes hop over, I figured I'd come and meet you so you knew we were ax murderers or anything..."

 

Some people will assume that because they don't see any evidence that they are being heard, they aren't being heard. So just them knowing that you know they exist may help a little. But you'll have a little peek into their lives also...maybe.

 

I don't know. I'm not against calling CPS in this case because the greatest likelihood is that either nothing will happen or they will have some low level interventions that have the chance, if they let them, to change their lives. And I like the idea that someone MIGHT notice if something much worse is going on. But I don't think I would call for yelling. I'd just fuss with hubby...

[katemary63]

Next time he's yelling and cursing, you call the police and report a domestic dispute. All you have to do is give them the address, tell them you can hear a lot of cursing and yelling and you are worried about the kids' safety. They will stop by and do a welfare check. If they find all is ok, they'll leave but there will be a record for next time. Enough next times and authorities will step in. If they find things are not ok, they'll do what is required.

 

Yes, it may make things worse, but things usually get worse anyway even if nothing is done. Making that call may be what is needed to help the situation. Doing nothing is...well...doing nothing.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

When I became an adult living on my own, I was quite pissed to find out that my neighbors "always wondered" what was going on but never said or did anything. I felt like I may have been spared a lot of grief, including suicidal depression, had someone stepped in to help.

 

 

I think the idea to go meet them and get to know them is a bad idea, especially from the way the OP described the neighborhood. She'd have to walk into what sounds like an entirely different neighborhood/development, knock on the door, and essentially say, "We hear you yelling at your wife and kids all the time and just wanted to stop by and say hi...see if we could do anything to help you be less of a jerk."

 

Make the call next time you hear him yelling and let those with training handle it. Call every time it's bad.

 

:iagree: I would call the authorities like I said the first time. You can't get involved in a situation like this! If you already KNOW a family like this, that's one thing. But how on earth would you inject yourself into these stranger's lives? A man this volitile could be dangerous, or just make your life hell, if he sensed that you had an adgenda (helping his wife and kids). From what the OP said, reporting this to the police or CPS would be the repsonsible thing to do. These kids NEED someone to do something. Have a heart of courage and call. And call everytime it's bad, like was said above. THAT would be the hight of responsibility.

[babysparkler]

:grouphug: I'm sorry, Jill. I had the same childhood.

 

I once ran to neighbors on either side, banging on the doors for help, to please call the police & neither one of them answered the door or helped or called the police.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry for you too. Good for you for running for help! I was never brave enough to do that... I just did by best to stay invisible. I'm sorry that no one was there for you.

[Dirtroad]

You could also call human services and speak to a social worker.

 

You have to live near the guy and that makes it tough. We have had issues with a neighbor over his animals, kids, and riding his vehicles across our yard.... but we worry about retaliation b/c they lead a very questionable lifestyle (criminal & drugs?), etc. So, we only approache him when it is escalating or bad. He is just a nuissance & knows no boundaries.

 

However, I would NOT go over & meet this family.... chat across the fence with wife or kids... but do not go over. People are very hopeful about violent traits being overcome... it is tough & often impossible if the culprit doesn't see the problem. He may escalate on them OR even target others. You need to stay distant b/c you can be in danger of retaliation. But try to speak to the family members upon any opportunity in the back yard (do not mention his yelling - stay neutral in conversation but keep you ears & eyes alert) So --- DO NOT INSERT yourself or your family in a personal involvement in the violent matters or inside the home.... just call some authorities when the yelling is starting or if you hear something breaking, kid crying, screaming, etc. Just report it but dont' go over or watch out the window... stay neutral from your yard.

 

With your situation, if he hasn't hit them etc... they won't do much in prosecuting... maybe anger management.... which is really a joke unless the person is repentant. However, the yelling may be a sign for worse abuse and that would be the key.

 

In our state, using certain words in an argument or yelling that are profane can result in a charge called Harrasment.... works like shoving someone or lower level physical contact that didn't result in injury. That may be an option for police to use as a charge in your area. It isnt' as tough as assault but does give officers something to work with..... the social worker can work with other areas that may fall into child abuse. However, dont' expect them to be too tough on him... in this area they just want to get the paperwork done & bring the family together (not usually very drastic action... but it does get the family on their radar).

Edited September 7, 2009 by Dirtroad

[Mandy in TN]

I vote to call the local police while a domestic dispute is happening and report it as such. I would also go in the backyard where the police could hear the dispute through the phone. I would then let the police decide if children's services should be involved. I would not call children's services over screaming.

 

Even if a family has nothing to hide and has done nothing wrong, being on the radar is not a place I would lightly put any family. There are horror stories of normal people with nothing to hide having their children removed from their home. OTOH- if you hear what you believe to be any sort of physical altercation, don't call the police or children's services. Call 911 immediately!

 

HTH-

Mandy

[*********]

Ummm...when you read those two sentences, one right after another as you wrote them, isn't it pretty obvious what you can do? Get to know them! Introduce yourself. Reach out. How can you be truly worried about someone and yet make no effort to even connect with them?

 

I think this is patently ridiculous; I truly do. Understand, I'm by no means defending the guy but for goodness sake people, have we really devolved to the point wherein we'll report someone for abuse based on cursing and yelling when we haven't so much as made the effort, ever, to even MEET the person? Good grief.

 

 

Ok....

 

Ummm, Colleen, when you read your response, just as you wrote it, isn't it pretty obvious that you come across as condescending?

 

Good grief, what good can you possibly think would come of me meeting an abusive male stranger? WHY ON EARTH would I want to do that?

 

I have no intention of meeting or introducing myself to this guy. None whatsoever. Even if I did want to, dh has forbidden me to speak to him. As dh puts it, 'That's the kind of guy that will get a gun and shoot you'. And he's not kidding. Listening to the way this guy talks to his wife and kids literally makes me sick to my stomach. And of course, I can't help but think, 'if this is what he will do OUTSIDE his home, what is he doing to them INSIDE?'

 

I will be contacting my local police department to find out what I can do. Yes, I'm rather sure if I stood in the back yard on the phone with the police while this guy is yelling, they would be able to hear it over the phone. I could hear him clear as day yesterday, standing at my sink doing the dishes.

 

It really makes me sick, the whole sitation. I've read threads on here before about people having CPS called on them for no good reason. I'd hate to bring that kind of burden on a family who really has nothing to hide. But there's no way that's the case here. I've WITNESSED it myself. The guy is completely out of control.

 

I guess I also worry that he will figure out who called, and then start targeting my family. Is there anyway to prevent that? If we call the police, will they come talk to us before they go to talk to the neighbor? I mean, this guy seriously has something wrong with him; I don't need him knowing who called the cops on him, ya know?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

And of course, I can't help but think, 'if this is what he will do OUTSIDE his home, what is he doing to them INSIDE?'I've WITNESSED it myself. The guy is completely out of control.

 

I guess I also worry that he will figure out who called, and then start targeting my family. Is there anyway to prevent that? If we call the police, will they come talk to us before they go to talk to the neighbor? I mean, this guy seriously has something wrong with him; I don't need him knowing who called the cops on him, ya know?

 

 

You can make the allegation anonymously to CPS.

 

While I DO realized that a PP thinks that I am riduculous and irresponsible, this IS child abuse, according to law and needs to be reported.

 

 

I would not feel the need to 'get to know' an armed robber or drug dealer to report them.

[Tree House Academy]

My best friend has a neighbor just like this. They call them their "F'ing neighbor" because he is constantly cursing and yelling at his kids.

 

I would hesitate to call the police for 2 reasons. 1. It is likely they won't do anything. and 2. How can you prove this? If he is just cussing and yelling and acting like a moron, but he does not PHYSICALLY hurt any of them, then likely they won't do much. Police tend to get involved when there is physical voilence, but screaming and yelling and cursing is much harder to stop within a family. He is also not breaking any written laws by acting that way...unless "disturbing the peace" comes into play. Even then, they would likely need more than one neighbor to report it before they would do anything about it.

 

I am sorry you are in that position. That is a hard place to be. :( I hope, for the sake of the kids and the mom, that he is not physically abusive as well.

 

ETA: I do think calling them and asking what you should do is a good idea. I just worry about you "officially" calling... like you said, what if he figures it out and then targets your family. If you dh gets the sense that the guy is someone who would "get a gun and shoot you," then that is SCARY!

Edited September 7, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[Impish]

I agree with staying the heck away from his family.

 

For one thing, you show up and then there are calls to police? Yeah, he's going to be looking at YOU for revenge.

 

Second, why the mythological thinking that the wife will be grateful or open to a stranger wanting to be friends? Many abused women would resent and rebuff someone coming over like that. They don't want anyone around for fear of a) getting in trouble with their dh and b) being ashamed of whats happening in their home. Ask any police officer about domestic violence calls, and how many of them have been attacked by the VICTIM for taking away the abuser.

 

Do what you can, from your side of the fence...but don't risk your safety, or that of your family.

[lgm]

Ok....

 

I guess I also worry that he will figure out who called, and then start targeting my family. Is there anyway to prevent that? If we call the police, will they come talk to us before they go to talk to the neighbor? I mean, this guy seriously has something wrong with him; I don't need him knowing who called the cops on him, ya know?

 

The police won't tell him. It can be as simple as the officer stating he was on patrol and heard loud noises and came to investigate. The perp may make some assumptions based on who is home or who drives by, but he won't know for sure. The ball is then in his court to keep his behavior civil. I think you're going to have trouble anyway if the man is suggesting his child jump your fence while in your/your spouse's hearing, so it's a good thing now to have a relationship with the officers that routinely patrol your area if you don't already. And maybe plant some roses back there.

[unsinkable]

We have a neighbor that screams. A lot. The man yells at his kids all.the.time. It drives me nuts. If we're in our back yard, we hear him carrying on. And it's not like, oh, maybe he's having a bad day or something. It's INSANE. He curses at his kids. Seriously. He'll use the 'F' word directly at them. From what we can gather, it's mom, dad, two boys about ages 8 and 11, and a young toddler girl in the house. (This neighbor actually lives in the neighborhood that makes a 'T' with ours; it's kinda hard to explain, but we don't really live in the same neigborhood. There's no way to get to his street from ours, besides hopping our back fence.)

 

It really is as bad as one of those families that you'd see on a talk show. I have NEVER known a family like this. EVERY TIME we hear the guy talk to his wife or kids, he's being, well, a huge jerk. Cussing, condescending, putting them down. It's so awful.

 

Like yesterday. Dh is out back, painting the house. I go to take him some iced tea, and I hear neighbor guy yell at one of the boys 'GO! Get outta here! I don't want to see your face for at least an hour!' The boy says 'where am I supposed to go?' Dad says 'Um, to the other neighborhood, DUH?' Then proceeds to mock the boy. In other words, the dad wanted the boy to jump our fence and come wander around in our neighborhood for an hour, because he was annoying the dad. And can I just mention here, dh and I have llike 3/4 of an acre out back, it's not like we're right up next to this guy's house or anything. He's yelling, for sure. And, I might also add, we've never even MET these people, yet they assume it's ok with us if their kids hop our fence and walk thru our yard to get to our neighborhood. But, that's another issue....

 

Now, I'm not trying to sound snobby, or stuck up, or whatever. But we don't live in a neighborhood where this is common. We live in a nice, quiet suburb. I've not had this experience with ANY of the other neighbors. All of the neighbors in our actual neighborhood (not the adjacent one), are great.

 

So, what can I do? I mean, it's very disturbing to listen to this guy. The children and I don't play in the back yard, we play in the front. But that's because, ever since we've bought the house (um, 4 years ago, but I digress) the back yard has been a HUGE construction site. Well, it's FINALLY starting to take shape, and turning into the yard we've been working towards. So eventually, we'll want to spend a lot of time back there. But I wouldn't want my kids hearing what this guy says. Not to mention, I'm frankly very worried for his kids and his wife. But like I said, we don't even KNOW them!

 

What in the world can we do? Anything?

 

I am not going to chime in to tell you what to do.

 

I do think the part I bolded shows something positive about the guy. If he is telling the boy(s) to go away it is better than keeping the boys there to scream at them & possibly physically hurt them.