Anyone else with a large family, but no family support?

[Linda (Australia)]

Anyone else with a large family, but no family support?

 

What I mean is, no family members willing or able to babysit, give you a little 'time out', take the children for cooking or sewing lessons, etc.

 

My family has always taking the attitude towards me as 'you had 'em, you look after 'em'. Even when I was very ill and had small babies to care for, my mother would simply say, 'oh, well, if you get any worse, just let me know' - but never actually offered to help or babysit. My sister, who lives 1/2 and hour away, same thing (she never did have any children of her own).

 

Now that mine are older, it's fine - my older daughters are now quite capable of looking after the younger ones if I need to drive the 15 kilometres to town for mail or shopping - but when they were all little, it was hard! I'm only realising now just how much I needed to take some breaks, have some support, etc. My hubby and I went out for dinner a few weeks ago - the first time in around 7 years!

 

I suffered from severe post-natal depression after two of the babies were born - how on earth did I make it through? God's help, that's it. I do have a very helpful hubby, who was always willing to change a nappy or rock the baby to sleep, but as I say, I'm only just now realising how lonely those years were.

 

Oh, well - we survived! :001_smile: If there is anyone else out there with little or no support - please know, things do get easier as they get older - but even though it is difficult, the time you have with them when they are little is so precious! Don't worry about the messy house - just hug them!

[MamaT]

I have six, and never had any help from family. Shortly after my last three were born we moved about 500 miles away from any family. I wasn't a big adjustment because they had never helped me anyway.

 

I could have used them when my three youngest were newborn, 9 months, and 28 months old! I hired a mother's helper in the mornings instead, so I could school my 3 older children. She basically did all the housework and laundry while I juggled the kids and school.

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: to you Linda. My family is all at least an hour away. My mother and father do babysit occasionally...but we have to go to them of course. And, they are getting up there in age and so taking on 7 children is a bit much for them these days. Still, at least once every few months I get in a bind and she'll take them. I have a neighbor who is willing as well...but works full time right now. It is hard. I don't have many people willing to take on 7 more children. True, my oldest is 12 and can babysit if I go to the store for a few moments...but now she's in ps! Argh. I do feel your pain and can empathize. I love my kids and love being with them, but sometimes to just go shopping ALONE is blissful. My dh also helps a ton and is a real saint, but he also needs his time alone. This, too, shall pass...they are only little for such a short time.

[SilverMoon]

*waving* We've done everything on our own, so no help with the kids didn't come as a surprise. :)

[Impish]

I don't have a 'large' family by most definitions, but we've had no family help for the most part.

 

I say 'for the most part' because when I was a single mom of 2, my family NEVER helped. EVER. Lived about 10 mins drive away, never once helped, I had to hire sitters for work (nights) etc, because as you said, 'you had 'em, you deal with 'em'.

 

Once I moved across country, met and married my dh, he had cousins that took the kids overnight once for us. And took them when I was in the hospital having Princess.

 

I'm supremely grateful to God for bringing SpecialMama into our lives. In many ways, she's the sister I never had, and is even willing to come and mind the kids for a weekend (NEXT WEEKEND, WOOT!!) so Wolf and I can get away for the first time in 5 years.

[MIch elle]

My mother died when my oldest was 1yo (I took care of her for 3 mo when I gave birth) and my father was incapable of helping at ALL (my mom or me). My family and my in-laws live 200 or more miles away. My dh took 2 days off of work for both my births and very reluctantly. I DID'T have easy babies either!

[Marsha]

We have had no help from anybody.

I have 7 ages, 13, 10, 8, 6, 3, 22 months, and a newborn.

 

It is very difficult with no one to help.

We haven's been out alone in atleast 6-7 years.

[Carrie12345]

I "only" have 4, but we have very little help.

 

My girls are with my mil right now, but I really try to avoid that situation. She doesn't respect our wishes, and she prefers to ONLY have the girls there. She did take all 4 kids when I had emergency surgery, but that was only because we had no other option. Plus, she's an hour and a half away.

 

We've experimented with other family babysitting. My aunt gave my (exclusively bf'ed) infant the filling of a boston cream donut. My cousins (3 of them, at different times) have let my children sit in soiled diapers and soaked pants for hours on end. They all think these things are funny stories.

 

I would like more family help, but not from MY family! :glare:

[JudoMom]

We've got 5, and no family help. We live 18 hours away from both sets of grandparents. When my parents come to visit once a year they help, but the other set doesn't really help when they come. All the Aunts & Uncles are scattered around the country as well.

[BakersDozen]

Both of our families waited (eagerly, I might add) for us to fail as parents and as a couple, told us we were ruining our lives and made it clear that they expected us to need help. We have never had help from any of them - hooray!!! It has made us much stronger as a family and as parents to only rely on ourselves. I confess, too, that I have the "Your choice, your responsibility" attitude. I never expected anyone including family members to help me and I don't think about helping other big families. That sounds really heartless but for me it's just matter-of-fact. If there is a true emergency then I'll help in a heartbeat but for just everyday grocery runs/babysitting I don't offer help. Is that horrible of me? I think also it is hard for me to feel compassion in this area because I love being on my own w/my dc, I don't feel the need for a break and grocery runs with the entire tribe are a blast. Even when I'm sick for 2mo w/a new pregnancy I don't think about asking for help because it was my choice, my responsibility to take care of my own family and not complain. BUT, if I had experienced postpartum depression it would have been a different story. I get baby blues very, very badly but it's not depression.

 

The one area I do offer help is for date nights. Keeping one's marriage strong is so important that I will watch kids so parents can have an evening to themselves. But I won't accept a reciprocal offer for some reason.

[FourOaks]

No help here either. We have 4 kids. My mom was here years ago when I was on bedrest with my twins. My oldest turned 2, three days later I had my twins, within a week my parents were gone. We've never lived by family and never had anyone around to help out with the kids. We don't have date nights because we've never had babysitters.

 

We are moving into a new realm of life now as my oldest approaches 12!! I think we are finally going to get to go out away from the kids on a semi-regular basis in the near future. I can literally feel myself breathe a sigh of relief that I am going to soon have the liberty to plan things and not have to worry about childcare. (Also very bittersweet as all my babies are not babies anymore)

[farmmom4him]

We have a small large family--6 children ages 10 end of month, 7 middle of month, 4,3,21 mos, and 7 mos.

 

We don't have help either for the most part.

 

My friend's daughter comes to stay with us a few times a year. We do major projects, like switching out clothes, and other biggies when she is here. Dh and I try to go out then also.

 

My mom watch my oldest 2 while we were in the hospital having our baby, who ended up in NICU. Our 6 yr old's hair never was washed or combed during the entire stay. :glare:

 

MIL and FIL watched our 4yr old, and she would call us crying every day.

 

Our little boys were with our associate pastor and his wife--we never worried about them.

 

Had things been different with baby, dh would have come home and taken care of the children. However, I had a c-sec, and was not able to go through the hosp hallways on my own, nor did they have nurse help, but one time a day. So, he had to stay with me.

 

With our other babies, MIL kept the children, but was not happy about it.

 

When I am sick, I take care of the children, dh and I rarely go out, I take them all to dr appts, unless dh is able to help. We hire baby sitters as needed, but it is soooooo$$$$$$$$$$$$. $2 an hour/ child=$10 an hour, closest dr is an hour drive one way.

 

This is tiring, but I know I will look back someday and see how as a family we were able to grow stronger in God, and as a united group. :D

[6packofun]

Same here. Six kids and not only no offers to babysit or visits, but my mother, who works with special needs kids all day (!), told me not to even ask because she's tired of children and doesn't even like to hear the word "child" (because she hears from parents: "My child needs...whatever"). Pretty sad.

 

My own mother--and the similarly-minded teachers she works with--is part of why I don't want my kids in the public school system. :( But she's oh so willing to tell me how nice it would be if I put our children in school so that I could have time for myself. lol

 

You know, it used to bother me, but when I think back about her skills, or lack thereof, in mothering, I'm OK with not leaving my kids with her. She would be one of those moms to plant the seeds of discontent with homeschooling in my children "for MY sake" (eyeroll) so I have long since stopped wishing for her to be the kind of grandma that most people dream of. LOL

[Stacy in NJ]

Another positive to consider: If your daughters find themselves in similar situations later in life, they'll probably have a more sympathetic mother and sisters.

Edited September 3, 2009 by Stacy in NJ
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[babysparkler]

We only have 4 kids, but we have no family around (1200 miles away is our closest relative). We have just learned that help means hiring a babysitter. And help is not cheap, so we have learned to be pretty independent.

[unsinkable]

I had no help from family.

 

My parents are dead.

 

My MIL told me at my wedding shower that she raised her kids and she wasn't babysitting anyone else's kids. (Oops, is this considered gossip? :lol:)

 

My only relative--brother--lives 1000 miles away from me and DH's sibs never offered.

 

I can count on one hand how many babysitters we've had.

 

I have 3, BTW.

 

ETA: I have a dd with health issues who has been hospitalized multiple times (plus the boys were hospitalized a couple time each) and DH's family NEVER even came to visit.

Edited September 4, 2009 by unsinkable

[chiguirre]

I don't have a large family, but the boys were a handful when they were younger (and when the oldest was having aggression issues). Neither my parents nor in-laws was really capable of dealing with them. In fact, I only hired babysitters with autism experience for a while. Now, I only hire adults that I think can handle any emergency (so, of course, it's expensive).

 

I don't resent my parents and in-laws, they were just in over their heads. We were too, but we're younger and better able to roll with the punches. OTOH, my parents and in-laws both know that we can't care for them either. It's just not possible with what we have on our plate. The only tension we had was when we took the boys to my parents' house to be diagnosed. But, that's got to have been one of the hardest things for any of us ever (gparents included) so, really, we got off pretty lightly with a bit of sarcasm a passive aggressiveness. All in all, we're fortunate that the gparents' inability to help hasn't strained our relationships.