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We've just moved ds into his dorm, should I feel guilty about already repurposing his


Mary in GA
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room? I've been painting, hauling out his furniture to make a play/sewing room for my dd's. My friends are aghast. Where will he sleep when he comes home they ask. Well, in the same room, just on a smaller bed and the room won't look the same. They seem to think I should "preserve his room." Well? I did ask ds, and he said he was cool with it!

 

Mary:confused:

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When we moved oldest dd out we left her room vacant for 3+ months. Meanwhile her 3 sisters were crammed into one room. It started to become a junk room, so we went ahead and gave it to the next child in line.

 

Your son sounds like he has a good attitude about it. It's not about the room, it's about feeling loved and wanted, right? :)

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room? I've been painting, hauling out his furniture to make a play/sewing room for my dd's. My friends are aghast. Where will he sleep when he comes home they ask. Well, in the same room, just on a smaller bed and the room won't look the same. They seem to think I should "preserve his room." Well? I did ask ds, and he said he was cool with it!

 

Mary:confused:

 

Within hrs of our oldest leaving, his room was cleaned out, rearranged and taken over by one of his brothers.

 

Feel guilty? No way. Why would we leave a perfectly good room unused while other kids were cramped on a daily basis? We moved bunkbeds into the room so that when he came home, he shared the room with his brother who took over the room.

 

That was the first 2 yrs. Now he has no room at all and when he visits, his sister moves in with her sisters and he sleeps in her room.

 

Maybe our philosophy is antiquated, but I don't plan on him ever moving home again!! :D

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When dh went to college, his brother got his room. Dh slept on the couch in the living room.

 

My son just left yesterday--he shares a room with his brother, so no changes there. I think I would keep his room for him, as he'll be home for the summers and on breaks (and his Dec break is a little more than a month long). But we don't need the space, and it's a shared room, as I said.

 

I do remember when my parents moved to a new house while I was in college. THey kept my furniture in a room--but it was never really "my" room. Of course, I was the last to leave the home, being the youngest, and they sold my furniture about a year after I got married.

 

It feels so weird, not to have a place at your own home anymore. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd probably keep his room nearly the same, but add in the sewing machine (or whatever) and make the transition slowly. I guess I don't consider college as really moving out--not until they get a job and an apartment on their own.

 

But you do what you want--NO need for someone else's approval!:D

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I was cleaning out my son's room as he was packing up to leave! We need that room! There is an extra bed for him in another son's room for visits...

 

But no guilt here...just a little sadness that another bird of mine has flown the nest!

 

Susu

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Well, if you asked your son & he's cool with it, then it should be fine.

 

OTOH, the "experts" often recommend not changing things around at least until after Christmas vacation/Winter Break of freshman year. Moving away to college is such a huge transition for young people. For those young people who are struggling with the transition, to come home for their first extended break and find that "their" space in the home no longer exists, well.... it's equivalent to feeling not just kicked out of the house, but kicked out of the family.

 

In our case, all of our children had their own room in our current home. My oldest never came home for summers. When she came home to visit, she didn't even sleep in her own room. Yet, we didn't change anything until? sometime in her sophomore year. We haven't yet changed anything about my second daughter's room. She has been home for most breaks & summers & has lived in her space again. But she'll be leaving home for good in just a few days as a transfer student going 1300 miles away. She'll be taking most of her things with her. I won't change up anything just yet because we don't need the room, but I plan to redecorate and make a guest room, or possibly invite an exchange student next school year since we only have one left at home.

 

I think the question of when to disrupt & change around the departing student's living space- whether they share a room or have their own room- should be partly determined by their own personality and feelings about leaving home.

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Well, you obviously have to do what works for your family, and if your ds is 'ok' with it....then go to it!

 

I do know that would never fly in our family! My ds is 24yo (almost 25), has his own house, etc. but stills wants 'his room' when he comes home to visit. He would never have made it if we had changed things around with his room when he was in college.

 

My dd that is in college (well, this fall will be her Sophomore year) wants her room the same with everything exactly how she left it as well. During the school year when she was so tired from working so hard, she would dream of coming home on break and sleeping in her room. It would have devastated her to know it wasn't there for her.

 

So....maybe that's just the kind of people we are. My kids seem to need that security of knowing they still are a part of the family and still have their *place*. Your kids may be different. Only you know that; not anyone else.

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It's interesting to hear perspectives from both sides, and no I don't "need anyone else's approval." But sometimes a little validation can be good.:glare:

 

When I moved out to college, my room was immediately repurposed and when I came back briefly I stayed in the guest room. I never really thought about it. My df's parents preserved her room for her long into her adulthood.

 

We really do need the space. Ds's room is by far the largest. My dd's have tiny bedrooms and our house is pretty small. I will leave ds' original bed for at least a while instead of immediately downsizing it! Particularly after seeing how small that dorm bed really is.

 

I think I should add that while this is ds' first time moving out, he is actually starting his 3rd year of college. It's not like the whole college thing is brand new. I don't think I would have been quite so quick to tear into his room if that were the case. So I guess I was thinking it's about time!

 

Mary

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I got married at 19. I'd lived at home till then.

 

My mother immediately changed my room around, I think as soon as she got home from the wedding. Obviously, since I was married, there was no reason for me to come back to that room.

 

Now I'm not a very sensitive, emotional person--I'm very level headed. But it was the degree of my mother's glee in rearranging the room that kind of made me feel a little bad. Like she was just itching and waiting for me to get out of the way for her to have the room.

 

I didn't mind her changing it. I just wish that my mom had said, "I'm going to miss you SO MUCH. You know I'll be changing your room, but it will feel empty without you in it!" Or something like that.

 

I just felt like she was glad I was finally out of the way. Now, rationally, I know that's not true. She loves me and missed me. But there was that bit of me taken aback by how quickly she erased my existence there.

 

So, my point is--I'd let him know you still love him and there's always a place for him in your home, and even though the room will be repurposed, you'll still think of him every time you go in it (or something like that.)

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Well, you obviously have to do what works for your family, and if your ds is 'ok' with it....then go to it!

 

I do know that would never fly in our family! My ds is 24yo (almost 25), has his own house, etc. but stills wants 'his room' when he comes home to visit. He would never have made it if we had changed things around with his room when he was in college.

 

My dd that is in college (well, this fall will be her Sophomore year) wants her room the same with everything exactly how she left it as well. During the school year when she was so tired from working so hard, she would dream of coming home on break and sleeping in her room. It would have devastated her to know it wasn't there for her.

 

So....maybe that's just the kind of people we are. My kids seem to need that security of knowing they still are a part of the family and still have their *place*. Your kids may be different. Only you know that; not anyone else.

 

 

:iagree: especially with the part about needing the security of knowing they are still a part of the family and still have their *place*.

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But then... We have a 4 bedroom house, he had the second largest room. The girls shared the next largest, and my mom slept in the smallest, and my hubby worked from a corner of the unfinished basement when he worked from home.

 

When he came home the first semester after spending a semester sleeping his 6'6" self in twin bed (not even a xl-twin), he loved his queen-sized bed. Then he went back to school and an apartment and his very own queen-sized bed, and the girls and I redecorated their new room- new wall color, new furniture and new flooring. Mom moved into their old room, and hubby moved into the smallest room with a twin bed which is the only thing that will fit. Ds happily sleeps there when he's home and I even put his comforter on it for him.

 

Do what you need to do. I don't think its the room that welcomes the child home, it is the family - and maybe the favorite blankie.

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When I initially read your post I thought I would be keeping my ds's room the same as he left it. But he left last week and took everything with him but his bed. So we are now making it a reading room and I am thrilled.

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LOL, my son's just begun his senior year in high school and I've had big plans for his room for a year now! (I'm thinkin' it might be why he's hesitant about going too far.....)

 

If your son is fine with it, I would definitely do it! (Mine will actually have a much larger room when he comes home. My change will also benefit my younger son.)

 

A home should be useful for everyone living in it. I don't think any room should be preserved as a shrine to anything and never used.....

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We did it right away since we feel that we have to make best use of resources. We were living in a house then where my two girls had to share a small room and where one had sleeping problems and caused the other one issues. Of course, I moved them into separate rooms. DId my son like it? No, but it wasn't his or even our house (rented), he was a continent away, and all he could come back for was CHristmas and summer break. We set him up in the office/guest room which was much bigger anyways and had a DVD/VCR tv combo (no actual on air tv).

 

Then we moved to Florida and had a smaller house. ALso four bedrooms but much smaller. It worked well for about 20 months, then my son got medically withdrawn from college. At that point, we moved him into his middle sister's room and her into the office. It was not a good situation especially since she was also sick and later recovering from shoulder surgery. WE made do anyway.

 

Now we have the biggest house yet and he is back in college commuting from home. He has his own room but so do each of the girls, plus a craft room, lab room, and my office.

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Heck, I've already mentally repurposed ds's room and he's just a sophomore in high school this year....

 

Truly, we will probably make him a new room in the basement the summer before he goes to college, so he can get familiar with it and know what he will have securely at home when he comes to visit. Our two girls now share a room with a pitiful lack of closet space, so they will appreciate spreading out upstairs.

 

Now we just need him to get a scholarship so we can use the college savings to put in a bathroom downstairs...

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