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How do you know if you like a midwife or not?


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Ok, as you know I'm prego and trying to chose a midwife. We had a home birth with dd and I was VERY happy with the experience. Sure there were a couple minor things I'd do differently (have a plan to labor in water more, prep the sheets better, etc.), but overall it was great, no tearing, considerate treatment, she came as soon as I wanted, etc. Only thing is, that midwife is 45 minutes away and I wanted one closer.

 

So I visited a new one, and it's all different. A lot has changed in almost 10 years, so now I guess it's the norm for the midwife to bring an attendent or assistant. Thing is, the one this midwife has, I don't like nor does my dh. Apparently they expect that person to fill a labor coach role, possibly arriving earlier than the midwife. If you don't like the assistant/apprentice, that's a double bummer, kwim? And I already had in my mind a friend I wanted to fill that role. I don't WANT somebody I don't know telling me when to breathe, kwim? And I don't want people I don't like in the room. It's MY house, my birth, my life, so get out.

 

Yes, I have hormones flying. But I really, seriously don't like the apprentice.

 

Even if I can work out to have another assistant there, not this one, how do you know if you're going to like a midwife? This lady is so different from my first one. My first one was warm, soft-spoken, sang to me, rubbed my feet, took care of me. This new one has a medical background (OB nurse for 18 years), doesn't expect to come right away (oh, but I'll come when you want me, though I'd rather talk through early labor on the phone), and is just a little more "professional", kwim? So am I comparing the new to the first and just need to give her time? She's not terrible, and I think it could work. I'm just apprehensive that she's going to surprise me with hospital carry-overs or being domineering or something from her OB background and not be what I'm expecting.

 

Have you ever changed midwives? Did it take a while? How did it go? Did you like the person immediately or did it take time? This midwife does 70% waterbirths. I'm not sure if I want to do a waterbirth honestly, but I'm sure I'd only do it with someone experienced like she is. The other local midwives don't have as much experience with waterbirth, so I'd be trading off that option if I keep looking. I do think I could get used to this new midwife. I just can't decide if I'm having a hormonal thing or if I just need to give it time, etc., kwim? They make you sign a contract at the beginning and you make monthly payments, which also annoys me. (even if it's the norm, it annoys me!) So things have changed and my expectations are stuck in 10 years ago, with the experience I had then. Did your initial impressions stick when you tried a new midwife? Did the things that were minor but worried you turn out to be nothing with time and letting your hormones chill? Did you get used to the differences or regret it?

 

And yes, we're seriously snowed in around here, with 15+" of snow!!! :)

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Is there another midwife available? I just don't think you should have to suffer this.

I loved my midwives. With my first midwife assisted birth, there were two in the office. I was convinced I wanted one in particular to attend the birth, but then I met with the other one--they had their clients get used to both, in case one couldn't attend the birth. And then I liked the second one better! Turned out I liked both of them.

But I really don't think you should have to hassle with this. I'd say find another.

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I had been going to a Birth Center and switched to my current midwife at 36 wks! We didn't have much time to "get to know each other" before the big event. I chose her b/c of our similar experiences. She had a csection w/ her first and a home birth Vbac with her second...what I was hoping to do. We clicked right away. Guess I was lucky. Is the only reason you want to switch b/c your midwife is 45 minutes away? My midwife is over an hour away and I still use her. She makes it in plenty of time :). Honestly, I don't know what to tell you except, if your "gut" is telling you NO on this one...don't use her. A good midwife can make or break your experience, KWIM? IMNSHO, I would go with your previous midwife despite the travel distance. Being comfortable with her means the world. Just call her as soon as you KNOW you are in labor to give her plenty of time to come. I've been through 5 births (well, actually 3 actual births but 5 labors b/c my last 2 were hospital births b/c mom gave up!) with my midwife and I trust her totally and completely. Now, this time, she is bringing her own attendant/apprentice b/c my last doula and I lost touch. BUT, she ASKED me first before scheduling this. AND, I've had several appt.'s with this attendant present and so I feel semi-comfortable with her. For me, just having another woman there is good for me :) My midwife is gentle and very soothing, but she's not as "touchy feely" as I need, KWIM? But, I wouldn't trade her for the world. Oh, she has clients that have moved out of state (hours away) that still use her b/c she is so good. HTH a bit...I'd say go back to your prev. midwife!

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Ok, as you know I'm prego and trying to chose a midwife. We had a home birth with dd and I was VERY happy with the experience. Sure there were a couple minor things I'd do differently (have a plan to labor in water more, prep the sheets better, etc.), but overall it was great, no tearing, considerate treatment, she came as soon as I wanted, etc. Only thing is, that midwife is 45 minutes away and I wanted one closer.

 

So I visited a new one, and it's all different. A lot has changed in almost 10 years, so now I guess it's the norm for the midwife to bring an attendent or assistant. Thing is, the one this midwife has, I don't like nor does my dh. Apparently they expect that person to fill a labor coach role, possibly arriving earlier than the midwife. If you don't like the assistant/apprentice, that's a double bummer, kwim? And I already had in my mind a friend I wanted to fill that role. I don't WANT somebody I don't know telling me when to breathe, kwim? And I don't want people I don't like in the room. It's MY house, my birth, my life, so get out.

 

Yes, I have hormones flying. But I really, seriously don't like the apprentice.

 

Even if I can work out to have another assistant there, not this one, how do you know if you're going to like a midwife? This lady is so different from my first one. My first one was warm, soft-spoken, sang to me, rubbed my feet, took care of me. This new one has a medical background (OB nurse for 18 years), doesn't expect to come right away (oh, but I'll come when you want me, though I'd rather talk through early labor on the phone), and is just a little more "professional", kwim? So am I comparing the new to the first and just need to give her time? She's not terrible, and I think it could work. I'm just apprehensive that she's going to surprise me with hospital carry-overs or being domineering or something from her OB background and not be what I'm expecting.

 

Have you ever changed midwives? Did it take a while? How did it go? Did you like the person immediately or did it take time? This midwife does 70% waterbirths. I'm not sure if I want to do a waterbirth honestly, but I'm sure I'd only do it with someone experienced like she is. The other local midwives don't have as much experience with waterbirth, so I'd be trading off that option if I keep looking. I do think I could get used to this new midwife. I just can't decide if I'm having a hormonal thing or if I just need to give it time, etc., kwim? They make you sign a contract at the beginning and you make monthly payments, which also annoys me. (even if it's the norm, it annoys me!) So things have changed and my expectations are stuck in 10 years ago, with the experience I had then. Did your initial impressions stick when you tried a new midwife? Did the things that were minor but worried you turn out to be nothing with time and letting your hormones chill? Did you get used to the differences or regret it?

 

And yes, we're seriously snowed in around here, with 15+" of snow!!! :)

 

1. As far as the assistants go, they're there in case you & baby both need recussitating. SP?? Anyway, it's a worst-case-scenario precaution.

 

2. I changed mw's w/ #1. The ladies I started w/ seemed mildly pushy & threatening, to the extent that I was in tears by the time I got home from every appt. The last time I went, I was crying before I got out the door.

 

The issue (which I suppose is relevant) was wt gain. I was gaining way too much way too fast. I'd never had a wt problem before, so it was at times scary. I gained 60 lb over all. But instead of looking at poss issues, they argued that I was lying about what I ate. They threatened to drop me if I gained too much weight. Finally, they told me my starting wt was too high. (WAY not true--medically, I was exactly in the middle of healthy wt for my ht! Plus, I wore a size 6, so I didn't even *look* unhealthy, kwim?)

 

I finally decided it wasn't worth it, but I thought they were the only mw's in town. I was ready to settle for all the horrors of a hosp birth that I'd heard, when my Bradley instructor rec the mw that I ended up delivering *all* of my dc w/ (so far).

 

Since then, I've read much more sinister things about the first mw's. They've been accused of using some kind of med to hurry labor along that is not fda approved & has been known to cause rupture of the uterus. The way they treated me w/ regard to wt? They've done the same thing to former anorexics & bulemics. They've had 2 women in labor at once, & spent all their time w one woman & not the other because they were convinced that the one was going to deliver first. (That's why there are 2, btw!)

 

This is all stuff I've read about them on the web, so who knows how true it is, but my point is, other people felt even worse about them than I did! And when I've researched mw #2, I could only find positive feedback. I've run into nurses as far away as San Antonio who've heard of her & think she's great. (Nurses that are anti-homebirth, to boot!)

 

So does this mean you should keep looking? I guess I think it wouldn't hurt. At least talk to somebody else. You don't have to drop your current mw to do that, & you might be pleasantly surprised to find a better "fit" somewhere else.

 

Otoh, 45 min might not be so bad for the mw you like. I mean, I'd *look* for someone else, but...unless you labor REALLY fast, that shouldn't be the worst thing in the world. My mw was 25 min away, & #2 was born in 19 min, but we arrived in time. In fact, when I got there, I was told that I wasn't actually in labor, & that I could either stay or go back home. It was rush hr, dh said no way, & 20 min later, we had our baby girl.

 

For #3, the same mw let me come in whenever I wanted, lol. She didn't even bother checking, because she knew nothing might have happened yet & it might still be time. She just let me tell her when. (By the time I said "when," baby was crowning.)

 

HTH!

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Is there another midwife available? I just don't think you should have to suffer this.

I loved my midwives. With my first midwife assisted birth, there were two in the office. I was convinced I wanted one in particular to attend the birth, but then I met with the other one--they had their clients get used to both, in case one couldn't attend the birth. And then I liked the second one better! Turned out I liked both of them.

But I really don't think you should have to hassle with this. I'd say find another.

 

Chris,

 

Did you give birth in VA? I had two homebirths with midwives in NOVA. Since there are very few I was wondering if we went to the same place.

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I'm going to have a talk with dh about just using my previous midwife, even if it is the longer drive. As you pointed out, my labor should be long enough for her to get here. ;)

 

And can I ask you all about experiences with waterbirth? It's an option now that wasn't available around here 10 years ago. Dd was 9lb.4oz. and her shoulder got stuck, which the midwife handily took care of, no problem. I also have the frame to accomodate just about anything you want to pop out, hehe... I LOVE the thought of laboring in water longer, but I'm just unsure about actually birthing in water. What if you have problems and the baby gets stuck? Does it increase the incidence of tearing? I had no problems or tearing with my land birth, so I wouldn't want to go downhill with that, kwim?

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Is there another midwife available? I just don't think you should have to suffer this.

I loved my midwives. With my first midwife assisted birth, there were two in the office. I was convinced I wanted one in particular to attend the birth, but then I met with the other one--they had their clients get used to both, in case one couldn't attend the birth. And then I liked the second one better! Turned out I liked both of them.

But I really don't think you should have to hassle with this. I'd say find another.

 

I had this same situation- two midwives, I like one. Only I did not "click" with the other at all. Guess who I got at my birth? That's right- the other one. It wasn't even that I didn't like her- we just didn't click. Made for a horrible birth experience. I felt like she wasn't on my side (it was a hospital birth, I ended up with a C-section.)

 

I say switch midwives and find someone you're completely comfortable with.

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I tried to have a water birth with several of mine, but with the first 2, I just labored in the tub. VERY relaxing. I planned to give birth in the tub with my 4th child (3rd homebirth), but he came too quickly for dh to fill the tub, LOL! Babies instinctively "know" how to be born. In the water, there is less incidince of tearing, the baby is allowed to rotate properly on his/her own and basically be born the way it should. NOT, to say that out of water they can't, just more natural in water. It's more mom/baby powered than midwife, KWIM? I'm planning a water birth with this child. I was just grateful to have the tub to labor in and very disappointed we couldn't accomodate the tub for my last 2. If I had the tub...I doubt I would have given up so quickly and gone to the hospital.

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I'm just unsure about actually birthing in water. What if you have problems and the baby gets stuck? Does it increase the incidence of tearing?

 

 

Less risk of tearing due to the warm water relaxing/softening all the tissue.

 

I had a home water birth with #3. It was, by far, the best birth experience I had. I was very happy. The labor was very quick, the midwife got lost and barely made it. He was born only 19 minutes after she arrived!

 

I had a home water birth with #4. She got stuck. I had to get out of the water-pool with her head delivered. That was not a pleasant experience. She was delivered just fine after I got out. Her stuckness was not due to the water birth, but we had to use a special position to deliver her that enabled the midwife to pull her out. and we couldn't do that in the tub. Plus, they were worried they'd have to resuscitate her, so they wanted her/me closer to the equipment. Although she turned out a little purple in the face, she turned out just fine and breathed on her own right away.

 

These were with 2 different midwives (2 different states), and they were both about 1 hour away. We aren't planning on having more children, but if we were I wouldn't hesitate to do a homebirth. I think 1 hour away is my limit on how far away I'm willing to hire a midwife.

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You all are so great! I'm just blown away by the unananymity here that I should keep looking till I'm really comfortable. Chris, what you said, that I don't NEED the hassle, really spoke to my heart. You're right. I've given myself a lot of hassle in my soul, a ton of worries, all to save 30 minutes of driving a month. It just isn't worth it! So I've talked with dh, and he's comfortable with me going to whomever I want, if I want to go back to my previous midwife. And Eliana, you nailed it exactly on the head, that for me the emotional is so important. I don't know why, because when you watch tv and things they don't stress that and you don't even see that level of relationship. With my previous midwife, I would go in with a list of worries and questions and come out PEACEFUL. That peace is what made me comfortable and confident going into birth, because she had said she'd be there, take care of me, and in her soft way put me at ease. This new one is just different. As y'all have said, she's a nice person, just not clicking with me, she offended me on some things (slammed my nutritionist, criticized the midwife breaking my water on my first birth, etc.) and just left me with a bunch of worries I don't need. My dh, being a practical man, said I could just make do, that he doesn't see the problem. But like you said, it's emotional. I want to feel safe, accepted, and peaceful. That's the emotional stuff you want, and it's subjective, hard to quantify.

 

Well, gotta go walk. Thanks for listening and helping!!! :)

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I would go with the more comfortable midwife. 45 minutes isn't *that* far. With #2 we moved which meant we needed a new midwife. That was surprisingly easy..knew someone in the area also having a home birth, she hooked me up with her midwife, great fit. ;) Anyway, with the next birth, we had moved again, but I wanted the same midwife. Didn't want to even bother with looking for another. I never had to actually seek out a midwife, I didn't want to start now. So I gave her a call and she was willing. I then lived 2hr away. And SHE did the driving for appointments. Yeah, she was really awesome! She had an assistant this time. She was a good fit too. She was just a 'background person' kind of assitant. She wasn't intended to be labor support to me, she was there to assist the midwife. She *could* act as my labor support, but that was NOT her primary role.

 

That was my first waterbirth. Great experience! The water called me, no other way to put it. It was immensely helpful. I had a 3 hr labor. My midwife missed it by 10 minutes (that was only because we never told her the alternate route to our house and she was coming up an industrial road at *that* time of day). When they arrived the midwife promptly tnded to me and the baby, once we were all squared away and comfy in another room, the assistant got busy cleaning and then fixing me a meal. Allowing the midwife to get all the details she needed of the birth she missed, check vitals and all that jazz.

 

I used that midwife yet again with #4 and we had, yet again, moved. This time the midwife only had to travel 1.5 hr LOL

 

And just for more waterbirth experience...#5 was born in the water. I still had minor tearing with my two waterbirths. But I think it was simply because they came so quickly..and with them, I only tore the tiniest bit, along the scar of my minor tear with #2 (dry land, also a quick birth).

 

I think I rambled too much LOL Sorry.

 

As for the midwife issue, go with whom you are most comfortable, all around. I don't think 45 minutes is too much of a drive. Just keep in mind that's coming from someone who has had 3 and 5 hour labors and used a midwife who had to drive 2 hours. And now we don't use a midwife at all. We're confident on our own.

 

Again, sorry for rambling, I hope some of it helped.

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Eliana, you put it into words exactly! I could get out of this new midwife the birth I want, but the way she handles things and with the differences, it's just more stress than I need.

 

Tara, thanks for sharing your experiences on the waterbirths! I didn't have any tearing with my first one, though I doubt I'll ever have labors as fast as yours, hehe. Knowing that that's a possibility, I guess it just doesn't interest me enough to fight for it. No matter what I can labor in water and my old midwife now does waterbirth, if I want that. And I think I figured out why it's not that important to me. I only pushed 30 minutes start to finish, and it wasn't that big a deal. The road up to it would have been nice in water, but the actual delivery wouldn't have benefited any from being in water, didn't hurt, went fast, and was pretty much nothing compared to what I had been through at that point. Your comments about not even using a midwife at this point are interesting. I think that's one thing I didn't like about this prospective midwife, that she wants to do birth education (like I've already done this, I know how to breathe), puts scary descriptive stuff in her new client brochure, etc. I just think birth, as you say, can be so comfortable, so normal, I don't see the need to freak people out. When reading her handouts today freaked me out (and I KNOW birth isn't that bad, I've done it before), then I realized she just didn't have the emotional sensitivity or mindset I needed. I know birth is bad for some people, but it wasn't for me and didn't require freaky birth classes with special breathing, this or that. My midwife guided me, and we just did it.

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My two youngest were born at home with a midwife's help. Both times we really liked the midwife but were not crazy about the assistant all the way up until the birth. Then it switched and we were much happier with the assistant than the midwife during both births. Weird. Especially since the midwife at the second birth was the assistant at the first.

 

Both times the midwife was okay during the birth, just a bit off. I really don't know how else to explain it. The first time the midwife acted weird but I was a little busy. I found out later that she had questioned my husband and mother in law while I was in labor about whether I had been abused as a child:eek: Uh, no, and I don't know why she thought that or how it was relevant. I was having a little bit of difficulty because I hadn't eaten before going into labor and my blood sugar was very low. The assistant helped hold it together while the midwife was out of the room doing background check and psychoanalysis. Nothing like that happened the second time, but the midwife (former assistant) was just not the same as she'd been during the appointments. Her assistant held things together and balanced it all out even though dh and I had thought she was a complete flake from the beginning.

 

Moral to the story? I don't know. You just can't always tell about people.

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Well, I just called and cancelled the appt. with the midwife that I wasn't clicking with. And what blows my mind is that it was so painless, easy, almost curt! Kind of confirms what I was thinking, that that emotional connection wasn't there and wasn't going to be.

 

So that's that. I'm moving on. Finally realized today that I wasn't going to be able to move on or get it off my mind till I cut that tie!! I balled up the paper with her name and number and THREW HER AWAY! :)

 

So for all your help, I'm terribly grateful. Now I just need to call and schedule with my previous midwife, whom I already talked with and who said she would take me with open, huggy, welcoming arms.

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