Incentives For Good Behavior?

[BettyL]

What works in your home? Do you have a plan in place to encourage good behavior? Does it involve earning prizes or special treats? How does your plan work? :bigear:

[Hsmomto4]

We don't reward for good behavior, we punish for bad behavior. As an adult I don't get rewarded for doing good, but I will get put in jail for doing bad things. I like to keep it on the same line.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I generally don't use bribes, rewards, threats, or punishment. Occasionally, there may be a certain behavior that can be controlled temporarily by those things, but the majority of the time, better discipline is a good thing IMO. I want long term results, not temporary control. Most discipline decisions I make are with the idea of where I want the kid to be in 5, 10, 15yrs in terms of controlling himself, having values we hold, etc.

 

Anyway, but there have been a couple times I've used a reward chart or warned of impending punishment.

 

I'd be surprised if anyone NEVER used any bribe, reward, threat or punishment. But I think it's a REALLY good idea to limit them to a bare minimum.

 

BTW, IRL, for most law abiding citizens, there are positive and negative consequences (natural and logical). There are a few rewards, but they are few and far between. Punishment is almost never. I'm raising law abiding citizens so that is a big part of the reason we don't use those controls with them. I also think controls like these inhibit learning (and practicing) life skills and tools as well as realizing their real worth.

Edited July 28, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[japhmi]

We have an 'obedience castle' that DW made. It has colorful laminated-paper blocks with Velcro on the back. When DD6 does something right away, she gets a block. When she has to be asked twice, nothing happens. If she has to be asked three times (or whines, or is defiant by saying no), then she looses a block. When she finishes the castle (it has a roof and three flags even), she gets a treat. That treat is either something from a special basket (full of mostly books), or she gets to go out to ice cream with dad. I think it's a good system, because I get ice cream:smilielol5:

[Haiku]

What works in your home?

 

Consistent and consistently enforced expectations.

 

Does it involve earning prizes or special treats?

 

Nope, I don't reward my kids for doing what they are supposed to be doing. Rewards, if they ever get any, are for things far above and beyond the normal call of duty. My kids know that if they want to go about their normal life, which includes watching a bit of tv, going to homeschool group and other fun places, and getting to "stay up late" reading in bed, they need to behave well. Poor behavior=privileges stripped. My kids are generally well-behaved.

 

Tara

[mo2]

We have an 'obedience castle' that DW made. It has colorful laminated-paper blocks with Velcro on the back. When DD6 does something right away, she gets a block. When she has to be asked twice, nothing happens. If she has to be asked three times (or whines, or is defiant by saying no), then she looses a block. When she finishes the castle (it has a roof and three flags even), she gets a treat. That treat is either something from a special basket (full of mostly books), or she gets to go out to ice cream with dad. I think it's a good system, because I get ice cream:smilielol5:

 

This is such a cute idea! But I have to ask, how will you phase it out when she gets a little older? Obviously at some point you will expect her to behave with no incentive. Will she rebel, as in, "Why should I pick up my toys if there is no ice cream involved?"

[japhmi]

This is such a cute idea! But I have to ask, how will you phase it out when she gets a little older? Obviously at some point you will expect her to behave with no incentive. Will she rebel, as in, "Why should I pick up my toys if there is no ice cream involved?"

Well, part of the thing we like about the system is that she has to pick up her toys no matter what - she gets rewarded for us not needing to nag her.

 

We've started to talk about phasing it out; both because she's getting older, and the castle is starting to fall apart. :D I still think that the visual/tactile experience is helping her internalize proper behavior, and that's going to be different for each child. Once she's moved beyond needing that reinforcement, we'll move to something else (although I'll still take her out for ice cream!).

[abbeyej]

I generally agree about maintaining consistent standards and consistent follow-through... But I have *occasionally* found charts and rewards helpful in the short term. I remember when my oldest was maybe 6, and we had some mild attitude problems during school time. While I enforced the general rule at our home (if he was being ugly to me, he had to go sit on the steps until he was able to be well-behaved and treat me and his work with respect), I also (for a brief period of time) added a "cheerful worker" check box each day on his weekly assignment sheet. If he had a certain number of checks by the end of the week (and we added up checks by things like "math" and things like "cheerful worker" equally), there was some minor reward on the weekend. But it was not really about the reward, it was mostly about him seeing that his behavior was just as much his responsibility as the school *work*. And, of course, it reminded me to praise his *good* behavior as well as correct the less appealing behavior (and I do sometimes end up focusing too much on the negative and not so much on the positive, so this was good for me).

 

So what I'm saying is, rewards will not work if the lack of consistency and follow through is not already there. But *if* it's there, an occasional short-term reward system can be motivating and perhaps useful, within the larger framework of clear, high expectations for behavior and consistent follow-through...

[MerryAtHope]

What works in your home? Do you have a plan in place to encourage good behavior? Does it involve earning prizes or special treats? How does your plan work? :bigear:

 

I do encourage and praise my children when they do good--especially if they tell the truth when it's hard to do so. I think all of us need encouragement at times. But I don't use sticker charts & prizes & that sort of thing. I do pay money for certain chores (not all chores, but some they are regularly responsible for).

 

I think training is really important. So often it's easy for us to think that if we tell our kids something once or twice, they should know and do it. But often they need more than that--I use role-playing, talking through scenarios before they go through them, and also debriefing--if they make a wrong choice, after they have asked for forgiveness, we go back to the moment and look at what they could have said and/or done differently. I actually have them try to come up with it and say the words or do the action.

 

We also talk through what obedience is when they are younger by teaching a 5-finger rhyme--I say a line as I point first to the thumb & then each finger:

 

Yes, Mom/Dad

I'll obey

Right Away

All the Way

The Happy Way (doesn't mean they have to like it, but do it with a good attitude, no whining/complaining/sighing/eye rolling etc...).

 

Merry :-)

[mama2cntrykids]

We also talk through what obedience is when they are younger by teaching a 5-finger rhyme--I say a line as I point first to the thumb & then each finger:

 

Yes, Mom/Dad

I'll obey

Right Away

All the Way

The Happy Way (doesn't mean they have to like it, but do it with a good attitude, no whining/complaining/sighing/eye rolling etc...).

 

Merry :-)

 

I like this!

[Gretchen in NJ]

We don't reward for good behavior, we punish for bad behavior. As an adult I don't get rewarded for doing good, but I will get put in jail for doing bad things. I like to keep it on the same line.

 

Interesting. My dh was just promoted and given a raise for doing good on the job. We do both punish for bad behavior and reward for good behavior.

 

I wrote about this before here. If my girls complete their morning chores by 8:00 am, then they get to bike until 8:30. If they complete it earlier, then they they have more time to bike.

 

If they complete their school work on time or early, they get free play time.

[Gretchen in NJ]

We also talk through what obedience is when they are younger by teaching a 5-finger rhyme--I say a line as I point first to the thumb & then each finger:

 

Yes, Mom/Dad

I'll obey

Right Away

All the Way

The Happy Way (doesn't mean they have to like it, but do it with a good attitude, no whining/complaining/sighing/eye rolling etc...).

 

Merry :-)

 

I like it: very nice.

[Hsmomto4]

Interesting. My dh was just promoted and given a raise for doing good on the job. We do both punish for bad behavior and reward for good behavior.

 

I wrote about this before here. If my girls complete their morning chores by 8:00 am, then they get to bike until 8:30. If they complete it earlier, then they they have more time to bike.

 

If they complete their school work on time or early, they get free play time.

 

If you compare good behavior to to a job then the analogy would be great, but in our family we do not. I don't get a reward for not stealing or driving the speed limit, but I will go to jail or get a ticket for breaking those laws. But this is just what works for our family :) As far as school work goes, we do reward for getting A's or doing excellent work because that is their "job". But I know families who are against this as well so it really is up to each family.

[twogirlsmommy]

DD 8 gets 3 tickets at the beginning of each school day. She will lose tickets for bad attitude (which is usually what she loses tickets for), disobedience, etc. What she has at the end of the day she puts into a jar. We have a prize list that she can "shop" from on Friday. She can spend her tickets or save them. Now, we school for 4 days, so max is 12 tickets. There are a few candy prizes for 5 tickets, but most of the stuff she wants is from 20 to 100 tickets :). It is good for her to learn to save for what she wants, and motivation for good behavior.

[babysparkler]

DD 8 gets 3 tickets at the beginning of each school day. She will lose tickets for bad attitude (which is usually what she loses tickets for), disobedience, etc. What she has at the end of the day she puts into a jar. We have a prize list that she can "shop" from on Friday. She can spend her tickets or save them. Now, we school for 4 days, so max is 12 tickets. There are a few candy prizes for 5 tickets, but most of the stuff she wants is from 20 to 100 tickets :). It is good for her to learn to save for what she wants, and motivation for good behavior.

 

I have been preparing to start this same system (modeled after what they do at church since the kids respond REALLY WELL to it)... what prizes do you offer and for how many tickets? I'd love to see your list if you have one! :)

[Mom22ns]

When my ds was younger we used to use a marble jar for screen time. Each marble represented 15 minutes of screen (video game or computer, he hardly ever watched tv) time. He received a certain number of marbles each morning. He could lose them for bad behavior, he could earn more by exceptionally good behavior, doing extra chores, anything we were really proud of and wanted to reward.

 

My ds is on the autistic spectrum. He really needed the reward to be concrete in order to reinforce positive behavior. We were able to eliminate all the negative behaviors that we removed marbles for and dramatically increase the positive ones with this process. For ds, screen time had a high value. I never used this at all with dd. All she needed was verbal recognition of a job well done and she felt equally rewarded. Punishment to her was being sent to her room and excluded from the family for a few minutes (a reward to ds:lol:).

 

I think some children need positive incentive plans and the rewards should be whatever is valuable to them.

[gardening momma]

We have an 'obedience castle' that DW made. It has colorful laminated-paper blocks with Velcro on the back.

How many pieces make up a completed castle?

 

This is such a cute idea! But I have to ask, how will you phase it out when she gets a little older? Obviously at some point you will expect her to behave with no incentive.

When I do incentive charts, I usually do it once, and then when we do another chart, it's for something else. We don't have any going right now. Sometimes dd5 will ask if she can start a chart for X (whatever--something she liked having a chart for), and I'll say, "we did that once, now I expect you to do it without a chart, because you're supposed to do it anyway.." So I might do the castle idea once, for each child, or maybe the first time would be for doing X, and the next time it would be for doing Y, etc...

[lauracolumbus]

I agree that rewards are part of adult life. If I open someone's door for them I get a thank you smile. Sometimes if I'm having a bad day I reward myself w/a call to a friend or a piece of chocolate. While in college I used to reward myself for reading so many pages. I reward myself w/a new pair of running shoes to keep myself motivated.

 

Having said all of that...our first year I promised ds an MP3 player if we made it through the first year w/o too much squabbling. DD got her choice of a reward as well--she chose a Webkinz. Last year I forgot about it and we went all year w/o any discussion of a reward. They just reminded me. We're planning on getting a puppy (which has been their reward for keeping the basement clean), so I'm trying to tie something in with that.

 

Rewards can come in all sizes and shapes.

 

Laura

[Rainbows]

I see nothing wrong with the use of rewards occasionally. There are some things that my kids just have to do because its expected of them, and some things that are either "extras" or more of a challenge for one of them. In those cases I may reward them with something.

[Bayt ul-Hikmah]

As a religious person, I do things to earn the pleasure of God and avoid His anger. I act out of love, fear, and hope, with the goal of keeping the hereafter in the forefront of my mind at all times. If you think about it, what are Paradise and Hellfire except the ultimate reward and punishment?

 

I struggle with this a little, because I'm one to avoid rewards and punishments with my kids.

 

I'm trying to teach my kids to live this life with the next in mind, in obedience to God in all aspects of life... which is not to say it's easy. I don't have it all figured out yet.

[twogirlsmommy]

I have been preparing to start this same system (modeled after what they do at church since the kids respond REALLY WELL to it)... what prizes do you offer and for how many tickets? I'd love to see your list if you have one! :)

I do have a list, but seems the document is too big to attach :confused:. My email is twogirlsmommy@gmail.com. Send me a message and I would be glad to share my list!

[japhmi]

How many pieces make up a completed castle?

I was going to count last night, but the heat fried my brain and I forgot.

 

IIRC, there are 21 blocks, a roof, and 3 flags, for 26 pieces all together.

[Ellie]

Life is pleasant when dc behave; it is not pleasant when they do not. When life is pleasant, sometimes extra fun things occur; when life is not, those fun things don't.

[twogirlsmommy]

I have not forgotten about the requests for the rewards. I will try to post them by Monday, sorry for the delay, but my mom has been sick and we are not at home right now. If I have a moment before then I will email you ladies the chart. Thanks for understanding.

[MerryAtHope]

I like it: very nice.

 

I actually made a poster of it--Happy Hands Poster.

 

Merry :-)

[Doodle]

For daily incentive/motivation:

Light a candle at the start of lesson time. The candle remains burning as long as the child is working. Should they go astray, you blow it out. Relight when things are back on track. The motivation is that when the candle has been completely used, they get a prize/reward/treat. I plan to try this using tea light candles at first. I got this idea awhile ago from a homeschooling mom on a different forum.

 

For a weekly incentive:

I am going to make train cars on half a file folder. There will be one car for each lesson I have scheduled during a week. Math will be daily, so there will be 5 train cars labeled "math". Science will be twice a week, so only two train cars labeled "science". Every morning I will get out the lesson cars to be completed that day. Once we have finished that lesson, the train car will be hung on a clothes line (Doodle loves clothes pins). At the end of the week, if every lesson car has been completed, the caboose may be added. The caboose is a special weekly prize. Nothing big, but still special. :D