enlarsh Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Forgive me if this has been posted somewhere else. I need some grounded opinions. This will be our first year homeschooling. Recently, our 5yo son has been coming home crying every time he plays with a particular set of three siblings across the street. It's always the same theme, "They won't play with me." Normally, I try to stay out of stuff like this, and although he's definitely not perfect, overall he's a pretty easy-going kid who gets along with his little sister and is quick to invite others to play. I watched the drama unfold today while sitting on our front porch. Several things happened, but the final event which brought my son home in tears was when he asked if he could play ball with them and they said "sure" then they threw the ball down and all went inside. Meanwhile their mom sat on the porch watching the whole thing happen. These kids have always been fickle--one day they'll come over to ask him to play and then ten minutes later they won't have anything to with him. It wouldn't be so bad if there were other kids around that he could walk to their house, but that's all that are his age in our cul-de-sac. He is very quick to make friends with just about anybody, and these are the only kids that he seems to ever have real problems with. He has plenty of friends outside of these kids, but he'll see them outside when I'm making dinner or when we're just hanging around the house and he will want to go play. My husband thinks I should not let our son play with these neighbors anymore, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has had to deal with something like this. Thanks in advance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen sn Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I agree with your husband. Don't waste time with the wrong people or you could miss out on the right ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enlarsh Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Thanks, Karen. I'm new at all of this parenting stuff, and heaven forbid my child be unsocialized. :rolleyes: Anyway, what should I say when they come knocking again or if my son wants to play? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 While it may be impossible to never play with them again - avoid them. I make excuses like crazy when the "mean" girl down the street comes to ask if the kids can I play. Goodness my kids have to practice piano, clean their rooms, organize thier socks etc... I also have a house rule that if my kids have a friend over they can not have another kid over to avoid this girl from noising into our time. Save your son from these obnoxious neighbors there are better people out there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnL Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 yeah, my kids have had issues with the neighbor kids, too. They often come back in tears, because of ridiculous issues. I go on phases where I let my kids play with them or not. Sometimes I don't let them because my dd doesn't want to, and I just make myself the "bad guy". The final straw came from the mom. There was misunderstanding, which the mom blew way out of proportion, via email. The kids haven't been back since. I wish them well...even better if it's "over there" rather than "over here". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Your dh thinks you shouldn't let ds play with them, but what do you think? First of all, if I could go back to when my kids were that age, I wouldn't worry one bit about "socializing." Your kids will get socialized the way *you* want them to be socialized, by teaching how to interact within your family and with friends that you think are a good influence on him. I'd rather put positive socializing on my kids while they are under my wings growing up, than to let them continually be exposed to negative socializing during growing up years. They'll hopefully grow up knowing how to positively socialize and how to use that positive experience to graciously get out of negative experiences, as adults. Until those kids change their ways, if they came knocking again or if your son wants to play with them, I'd find something else for ds to do rather than put him in with them. I'd just tell them "sorry, ds is playing right now/doing chores/getting ready for bed/drawing/reading/playing with little sis/helping me in the kitchen. I'd imagine after a few times of this, they'd give up or forget about him. If ds asks, find something more fun/appealing for him to do instead. or do something *with* him so he forgets about them. That's just how I think, though. I don't see a good reason to deliberately put my kids into situations like that - I put up boundaries. My time of teaching them is now, they'll have plenty of adult years to work out their own situations. And it's hard on 5 year olds to have to deal with that stuff! :) Enjoy your kids and your homeschooling journey! hth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enlarsh Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Thanks for the replies everyone. I was just being "snarky" about the socialized thing--snarkiness doesn't translate well online though. These neighbor kids are the epitome of "unsocialized" to me. Anyway, thank you for the reassurance and I'm happy to find some quite useless tasks for him to complete the next time these kids come knocking: Matching his sister's hairbows, cleaning baseboards with baby wipes, scraping play-dough from the porch deck...the list goes on and on. Thankfully we are moving in six weeks so this too shall pass. But, there are mean kids everywhere and I need to learn to fine-tune my responses. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Matching his sister's hairbows, cleaning baseboards with baby wipes, scraping play-dough from the porch deck Ooooo, you're good! :D How about some more: cleaning doorknobs and lightswitches, picking small Lego pieces out of the carpet, cooking crepes, assembling the meatloaf, making the grocery list, rearranging the dress up clothes, building a card tower, looking up Usborne book internet links, reading to his sister, putting on a puppet show for/with his sister.... boy, I need to go to sleep. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 Part of the reason I homeschool is so I have a say in the kids that my children play with/spend time with. Those three kids are NOT the kind of kids I want my child to be around. God forbid he pick up their behaviors and pass them on to someone else. No thanks. I agree with your dh. Your son is only 5 and he needs to feel like everyone loves him! There is no reason to expose him to kids who will treat him so badly. And...if mom asks what's up, I would point blank tell her, "your kids have him in tears everytime he tries to play with them, so we feel it is best they don't play together." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I fmy son wants to play with a child thta is not my favorite (and they come knocking on the door), I say up front a time limit and then I supervise closely. 30 minutes or less is my usual allowed time. When the child acts in a way I don't approve of, I will just politely let them know that isn't acceptable at my house. If it continues, I send them home reminding them that to play with my child in my home they have to follow my rules. Some kids never come back, other adapt and become fairly good playmates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enlarsh Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 You ladies are great! You've really made me smile about this whole situation. I was actually crying about this earlier, because it hurt to see his little feelings hurt so badly and to watch the mom (who happens to be a pastor's wife) do nothing. I'm glad I was able to watch the whole situation unfold this afternoon instead of getting the preschool version of what happened while I was tending to his baby sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I fmy son wants to play with a child thta is not my favorite (and they come knocking on the door), I say up front a time limit and then I supervise closely. 30 minutes or less is my usual allowed time. When the child acts in a way I don't approve of, I will just politely let them know that isn't acceptable at my house. If it continues, I send them home reminding them that to play with my child in my home they have to follow my rules. Some kids never come back, other adapt and become fairly good playmates. I like this response. On the one hand, we do not want to throw our children to the wolves, and we do not want our children to make compromises for the sake of having friends. On the other hand, mean kids are kids too. There are some mean kids who have simply not been taught to be otherwise, who have been left too much to their own devices. They need coaching. Some kids will respond well to a little coaching--a supervised play situation can then be a blessing to all, and especially to a child in an unhappy home situation who just needs a little guidance and attention. Some kids will not respond and are free to go on their merry way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I agree with limits and supervision. I personally think 5 is too young to be over at the neighbors - unless the parents are close friends of mine with similar parenting rules and expectations and lots of honest communication. Otherwise - general play can happen in my yard where I can watch it and add an element of supervision and accountability. Also - what age are the siblings? I would expect a 5 year old to be fine with 4-6 year olds - but really - any older or younger is too much for regular play. Yes - there are exceptions - but those kids are well parented and well trained to include others and look out for younger kids - and in that case you would not have any issues with the parents. A 5 year old may have "fun" with an 8 year old - but really - what 8 year old is dying to play with a 5 year old (especially one that's not related to them)? As a mother of an 8 year old - I see huge differences in what she wants to do - even with a friend who is 6. They are just at different developmental places and that's totally fine. That may be the case with your son and the other kids. Yes - they can still be kind - but they may just lack the tact needed to do what they want without hurting your son. If it were me - I would spend my time finding some nice age appropriate friends with similar interests and play styles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen in NS Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 I fmy son wants to play with a child thta is not my favorite (and they come knocking on the door), I say up front a time limit and then I supervise closely. 30 minutes or less is my usual allowed time. When the child acts in a way I don't approve of, I will just politely let them know that isn't acceptable at my house. If it continues, I send them home reminding them that to play with my child in my home they have to follow my rules. Some kids never come back, other adapt and become fairly good playmates. Yeah, now that I think about it, I've done things like this before, too. I guess it just depends on what I observe going on. But generally, I am protective, and was so esp. at the younger ages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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