11yo boys and distractedness/forgetfulness

[Colleen in NS]

OK, I've read the threads before, but now it's my turn. Is it common for 11 yo boys to get distracted and forgetful while doing things they are supposed to do? My son seems to be getting more distracted!! How can I help him? I've been forcing myself to be more patient over the years when I talk to him, I give him a clear list of things to do (schoolwork-wise) after going over his lessons with him, I give him what I think is plenty of time to do his work. (for example, this morning he had 90 minutes to complete a R&S math lesson, about half of which was done orally already; and to complete writing out a Latin declension and meanings and listing some Latin derivatives. Math was the only thing he had to *think* about - the other things were basically copying, and I explained that to him. He took 100 minutes, LOL!) The other day, he took the rest of his written work to do in his room. When I checked on him a couple of hours later (this was in the early afternoon, which would have been a combined time to finish paper work and time to read), he hadn't finished his paper work, because, "I got distracted from listening to the sounds of the leaves rustling outside!" :lol:

 

He's not being defiant in these instances, he is just plain old distracted. Even if I did things like sit him near me or close the windows to drown out the rustling leaves, it still wouldn't work - something else would occupy his mind in between math problems and Latin declensions and vocab. exercises. And I've tried going over one lesson with him and sending him off to work so I can work with dd, then getting him back for the next lesson, but that does NOT seem to work - it takes far longer to get a few basic skills subjects done that way here.

 

I talk to him, have him look at me when I talk, show him the assignments on his assignment sheet, show him how little written work he actually has to do if we've done most of a math or grammar lesson orally, have him repeat my instructions back to me, and he's glad, but then....distraction when setting out on his own. I suppose I could give him little rewards for completing certain tasks in a certain amount of time (based on the time I think *he* can do it in), but I'm finding I'm scaling down, with things taking longer for him JUST because of distractedness (he is bright and understands new concepts/methods quickly), and I'm wondering if I'll be able to keep teaching him skills I want him to know. I don't want to work up to 7, 8, 9 hours of schooling by high school (well, if I include reading time in that, it would maybe be that much, but I'm talking about skills work - math, grammar, writing/rhetoric-eventually, Latin, maybe vocab., logic). I'm trying to keep "school hours" from swallowing up family life (chores, cooking, exercise, reading aloud, time with Dad-who-works-afternoons/evenings, and teaching them other life skills like cooking, finances, running a business, hobbies).

 

In short - how common is this distractedness, and how did you work with it?

[Danestress]

As is one of my sons.

 

And I think many people who will not grow up to be deeply distracted ARE very distracted at 11 so in some ways that might be normal. His brain is very busy right now on an organic level, totally apart from what you are teaching him. It's changing and pruning synopsis and all that good stuff:)

 

I think you have to prioritize. I'm sure you want to teach him to manage him time and redirect himself, and that's all well and good, but if your great priority is getting him to master math concepts, I would just let the other go a little. I personally would not give this child an hours worth of work. I would give him 10 minutes worth. "Do these two problems." Then I would check. "Okay, do the next two." Check. Rinse. Repeat.

 

Yes, it takes much more of your time and attention, and that can be difficult, but it's just a matter of priorities. Some days other things might prevent you from being quite as involved, but in general, I would dedicate more of my time to keeping him on track. Kindly. Patiently. It's sort of a pain, I know.

[Jorsay]

How many hours each day does your son currently spend doing academics (including reading)? It sounds like a lot.

 

My 10 and 1/2 year old does 32.5 per week plus 16+ hours of physical. I never give him more than one hour of work at a time. I mix it up with reading, math, logic, video lecture, live lecture, and writing. We start at 7am and finish at 8pm with only 1 hour and 45 minutes of break during this time. I consider this a heavy load. He will be done with high school before he is in 9th grade. I couldn't imagine asking more of him. I think he handles it because I change it up every hour and I keep close track of how much work he gets done when he is alone.

[JennW in SoCal]

Hi Colleen,

 

Your ds may be hitting a growth spurt so he is more distractible than usual. You also may not realize how much more you are expecting more from him because he is older and he mentally just hasn't caught up. Or he is somewhat ADHD and it hasn't really become apparent before now.

 

No matter the reason, there are some tricks to dealing with the situation and helping him learn to cope with his own distractedness. My list got a bit long as I typed, but my oldest is quite ADHD (the distractible kind) and I've had to do all of the below over the years.

 

 

• having a written checklist for each day, with each specific task listed for each subject
  
• being succinct with oral directions (something I've never mastered!)
  
• having him work only in a distraction-free area (we used a the dining room table and put the dog in another room)
  
• having him write on a big white board instead of with pencil and paper
  
• having him type his lessons
  
• resigning yourself to having to be nearby to bring him back to reality frequently
  
• resigning yourself to the fact that he just works more slowly on certain tasks
  
• re-evaluating what kind of work is truly essential for learning skills. Can he learn Latin declensions better with flash cards? Orally -- just chanting them? Can he master his math with fewer problems? Maybe just do 5 problems on the day's lesson and 5 review problems and be done.
  
• letting him have some kind of snack, whether pretzels, crackers or carrots, while working as the crunching and reaching for more keeps the brain in gear
  
• having him sit on an exercise ball instead of a chair
  
• having the computer up on counter level so he can stand while working (or pace between sentences as my ds does)
  

 

 

Just because your ds is more distracted than usual doesn't mean he is ADHD, but any and all the above can help the both of you cope better. Just set some academic priorities, which for me was always the 3 Rs -- I let things like Latin and grammar (blasphemy, I know!) go when his brain got slow. Brace yourself too because his levels of concentration are going to be all over the map for the next several years!

[Melissa in Australia]

I have very easily distracted children. they seem to get worse at 11. I have an 11 year old at the moment who is the worst yet. I have found that if I only give him one thing to do at a time, it helps. as soon as I give him a list of things to do, he falls to pieces.

[Peela]

It certainly happened around here...it seems to have passed somewhat now ds is 13.

As much as possible I try and make it so that the consequences affect him only. We do a portion of our work together. If he hasnt finished his independent work, he gets to finish it in his own time and we move on to our together work.

However, I did earn a medal for patience during that time :)

[blessdmommy]

Thank you for these helpful ideas. This thread was written for me as well.

 

Hi Colleen,

 

Your ds may be hitting a growth spurt so he is more distractible than usual. You also may not realize how much more you are expecting more from him because he is older and he mentally just hasn't caught up. Or he is somewhat ADHD and it hasn't really become apparent before now.

 

No matter the reason, there are some tricks to dealing with the situation and helping him learn to cope with his own distractedness. My list got a bit long as I typed, but my oldest is quite ADHD (the distractible kind) and I've had to do all of the below over the years.

 

 

• having a written checklist for each day, with each specific task listed for each subject
  
• being succinct with oral directions (something I've never mastered!)
  
• having him work only in a distraction-free area (we used a the dining room table and put the dog in another room)
  
• having him write on a big white board instead of with pencil and paper
  
• having him type his lessons
  
• resigning yourself to having to be nearby to bring him back to reality frequently
  
• resigning yourself to the fact that he just works more slowly on certain tasks
  
• re-evaluating what kind of work is truly essential for learning skills. Can he learn Latin declensions better with flash cards? Orally -- just chanting them? Can he master his math with fewer problems? Maybe just do 5 problems on the day's lesson and 5 review problems and be done.
  
• letting him have some kind of snack, whether pretzels, crackers or carrots, while working as the crunching and reaching for more keeps the brain in gear
  
• having him sit on an exercise ball instead of a chair
  
• having the computer up on counter level so he can stand while working (or pace between sentences as my ds does)
  

 

 

Just because your ds is more distracted than usual doesn't mean he is ADHD, but any and all the above can help the both of you cope better. Just set some academic priorities, which for me was always the 3 Rs -- I let things like Latin and grammar (blasphemy, I know!) go when his brain got slow. Brace yourself too because his levels of concentration are going to be all over the map for the next several years!

[Colleen in NS]

And I think many people who will not grow up to be deeply distracted ARE very distracted at 11 so in some ways that might be normal. His brain is very busy right now on an organic level, totally apart from what you are teaching him. It's changing and pruning synopsis and all that good stuff:)

 

I think you have to prioritize. I'm sure you want to teach him to manage him time and redirect himself, and that's all well and good, but if your great priority is getting him to master math concepts, I would just let the other go a little. I personally would not give this child an hours worth of work. I would give him 10 minutes worth. "Do these two problems." Then I would check. "Okay, do the next two." Check. Rinse. Repeat.

 

Yes, it takes much more of your time and attention, and that can be difficult, but it's just a matter of priorities. Some days other things might prevent you from being quite as involved, but in general, I would dedicate more of my time to keeping him on track. Kindly. Patiently. It's sort of a pain, I know.

 

Thanks for the physical explanation. I thought I'd read that in other 11yo old threads, but didn't pay close attention because ds wasn't that age yet.

 

OK, so, if I separate academic skills from time management skills in my mind, when do I do time management skills? Is it sort of a "spurt of academic skills" then a spurt of "time management skills" type of thing? In other words, I can't neatly slot academics with teaching time management each day?:lol: Please tell me time management will come along sometime!!

 

I don't know if the two-problems-and-come-back thing would work for him...I'm going to think about it, though. I might have to go back to my other idea of assigning JUST math-then-see-me, then the nextthingandseeme, etc.. It does take longer and it's frustrating to my dd8 while I'm working with her - any ideas on that?....at least I can see what's going on, which is an improvement for me. But I see what you're saying and why - it's stop and start, stop and start, right? And me paying closer attention and redirecting when needed. I do that a lot now in other things, too. "Ds, did you put the soap in the dishwasher?" "uh, no, I started playing with my Legos." Ds starts towards dishwasher, and gets distracted by little sis batting him on the head, and a playful scuffle ensues. And on and on.

 

How many hours each day does your son currently spend doing academics (including reading)? It sounds like a lot.

 

My 10 and 1/2 year old does 32.5 per week plus 16+ hours of physical. I never give him more than one hour of work at a time.

 

Nowhere near 32.5 hours a week! Four, sometimes five hours a day (I'll leave reading out because he considers that fun, not academic, and spends a lot of time reading outside of academic skills work), 4 days per week. So about 16-20 hours per week. It's three hours in the morning, and an hour or two in the afternoons, together, for finishing the day's writing assignment or doing a science experiment or talking about a story or looking over history maps and timelines.

 

I never give him more than what I think he can do in an hour, either - he has just gotten really distractible in the last few months, so it takes longer.

 

Hi Colleen,

 

Your ds may be hitting a growth spurt so he is more distractible than usual. You also may not realize how much more you are expecting more from him because he is older and he mentally just hasn't caught up. Or he is somewhat ADHD and it hasn't really become apparent before now.

 

Haha, I've suspected ADHD for years now - just haven't bothered to go to a doc about it - haven't seen the need for it here. I've also been learning to change tactics on how I interact with him - I banter with him more, pretend to chase him, say unexpected things to keep him on his toes, and he loves it. He laughs a lot at me because I outwit him or tell him exactly what he's thinking when he thinks he's hiding something.

 

And about the bolded part, thanks for bringing that to my attention.

 

• having a written checklist for each day, with each specific task listed for each subject

• being succinct with oral directions (something I've never mastered!)

• having him work only in a distraction-free area (we used a the dining room table and put the dog in another room)

• having him write on a big white board instead of with pencil and paper

• having him type his lessons

• resigning yourself to having to be nearby to bring him back to reality frequently

• resigning yourself to the fact that he just works more slowly on certain tasks

• re-evaluating what kind of work is truly essential for learning skills. Can he learn Latin declensions better with flash cards? Orally -- just chanting them? Can he master his math with fewer problems? Maybe just do 5 problems on the day's lesson and 5 review problems and be done.

• letting him have some kind of snack, whether pretzels, crackers or carrots, while working as the crunching and reaching for more keeps the brain in gear

• having him sit on an exercise ball instead of a chair

• having the computer up on counter level so he can stand while working (or pace between sentences as my ds does)

 

 

Just because your ds is more distracted than usual doesn't mean he is ADHD, but any and all the above can help the both of you cope better. Just set some academic priorities, which for me was always the 3 Rs -- I let things like Latin and grammar (blasphemy, I know!) go when his brain got slow. Brace yourself too because his levels of concentration are going to be all over the map for the next several years!

 

That list is great. I've done some of them, but I'm thinking about some of the others. The succinct oral directions - yep. I KWYM. What about the whiteboard - would you that for math problems, too? (bbbbutttt....what about not having a notebook full of pencil-n-paper math problems for that unprobable visit from the DOE?? - guess I could check the legalese here) And what exactly is the appeal of the whiteboard anyway? Is it the physical handwriting part? Freer or something? He does type writing assignments now. And they are not NEARLY as long as other samples I've seen here. He does a couple of one paragraph narrations a week, and a couple of very short outlines - currently I'm showing him how to do two-level outlines, so maybe outlining two paragraphs? All on computer now, and he loves it. I love the idea of standing while typing...I could ask if he wants to push the chair out of the way - don't think we can put it on countertop anywhere....though you've got me thinking about that. He did used to use an exercise ball while reciting poems and math facts and such. loved it. Snacks WITH schoolwork? OK, why not, Colleen. I see your point, Jenn. Math - we already do a ton orally and I've vastly lessened the assigned problems. Just have to keep on top of that. About the Latin declensions - I'm starting a new book, so am still getting used to how it goes about teaching Latin. today's instruction was to write the declension on a piece of paper, so I had him do it, figuring the physical act would reinforce it. But we use flashcards, too. Maybe I should also rethink not HAVING to make him learn something through EVERY mode, just one or two. You've definitely got me rethinking WHY and if it's necessary.

 

And thanks for the warning to brace myself - at least I know it's common!!

 

as soon as I give him a list of things to do, he falls to pieces.

 

Seems to be a common theme here. Taking notes...

 

It certainly happened around here...it seems to have passed somewhat now ds is 13.

As much as possible I try and make it so that the consequences affect him only. We do a portion of our work together. If he hasnt finished his independent work, he gets to finish it in his own time and we move on to our together work.

However, I did earn a medal for patience during that time :)

 

Consequences - I've tried that, too - doing the me-and-him time in the mornings, letting him have plenty of time to finish on his own in the mornings, and letting him finish on his own time later. It has just devolved lately, though. He can sometimes drag it out all day long and then cry because he had no time to play (even though he played while getting distracted).

 

Glad to hear it somewhat passed at 13 for your ds. Gives me sort of a time frame.

 

Thank you everyone! Wouldn't mind hearing from anyone else who has a story to share.

 

I must say, it's sort of a precious time, watching him at this period of his life. Watching how he is *trying* to stay focused. And trying to bring himself back when he gets off track. He gets flustered (whereas he used to get angry) when he gets "off," and apologizes (in a hyper sort of way), and I've been able to have more compassion for him and restrain my impatience (hopefully!!) most of the time. My sweet baby boy.....:)

Edited July 21, 2009 by Colleen in NS

[Jorsay]

Honestly then, I would just assign him an hour of work (perhaps 45 minutes to be safe). Tell him that if he doesn't finish in one hour, he must do a similar assignment again (instead of his play time) until it only takes him one hour.

[Colleen in NS]

Tell him that if he doesn't finish in one hour, he must do a similar assignment again (instead of his play time) until it only takes him one hour.

 

I'm afraid that just wouldn't work. He would know it was "busy work" and see it as punishment, and I'd have a battle on my hands that I am not willing to fight, esp. when the distractedness is not coming from defiance. I can see letting him finish his "real work" in free time, but I'm not willing to give him extra work to teach him to manage his time.

[Rhondabee]

 

Everyone here had such good advice! I just have a couple of words of encouragement for you.

 

In other words, I can't neatly slot academics with teaching time management each day?:lol: Please tell me time management will come along sometime!!

 

Yes, it will come, and it will shock you! My 14yo boy who seemingly hears my instructions, walks out of the room, does something completely NOT what he's been asked to do, and then retorts, "But, I thought you said..." is the same 14yo who woke himself up at 6:30am, found his own clean clothes (mom had a week-long migraine!), and made his own lunch every day for the past three weeks so that he could volunteer as a day camp counselor at his martial arts dojo. And, his sensei (teacher) had nothing but words of praise for my ds's work ethic and level of responsibility. I was floored.

 

Yes, he still daydreams instead of doing his schoolwork at times (and he gets very, very down on himself for doing so). But, this experience makes me think some of the daydreaming is because homeschool lacks a certain adrenaline rush that comes from having to live up to the expectations of someone who isn't your mother.

 

I don't know if the two-problems-and-come-back thing would work for him...I'm going to think about it, though.

 

I would really encourage you to give this a try. If he gets those two problems correct, it will give him a confidence boost to get the rest of them finished. Mostly, though, it will frustrate your ds into figuring out how to convince you that this level of supervision isn't necessary. And, soon you'll hear, "Oh, Mom, trust me. I can do this myself," at which point you can stretch it out to "do half" or something.

 

 

He can sometimes drag it out all day long and then cry because he had no time to play (even though he played while getting distracted).

 

Glad to hear it somewhat passed at 13 for your ds. Gives me sort of a time frame.

 

My ds's have days when they focus and don't need me to even go over their lessons, and then other days that devolve into tears no matter what I do. (I'm obviously no expert - LOL!) But one thing I often forget to do in the heat of trying to "accomplish school" on the "bad days" is to assign them some physical activity. Or, just some time outside in the woods works wonders for my younger ds.

 

I usually *can* remember to call my dh ("What am I going to do with YOUR sons?!"), and since we have discussed how much better the boys can focus mentally once they're tired physically, *HE* will give them an assignment (run for 15 minutes, push-ups, sit-ups, whatever - IDK really because I hand the phone to ds and then go on to whatever is next on my to-do list - LOL!) My boys also know (now) that they need to call Dad when they're having trouble focusing, and they will often volunteer to do so. (Sometimes I think that they just need some father/son time - some sort of man-to-man talk that mom isn't in on.)

 

I also make sure that they have time to "play" in the evenings (and I mean play hard, like at football practice or aikido - something physically exhausting) on those bad days. I can tell that in our house there is a pattern: if ds misses Aikido because Algebra isn't finished due to daydreaming, that doesn't mean Algebra will be finished by bedtime. It merely means that the next day his body/mind/spirit will still be in the same hormone-induced funk, and we will have *another* day-dreamy day. But, if he can sweat some of that out of himself, then usually things get better. It's not the end-all, be-all. But, I do think consistent exercise is one of the best weapons I have.

 

I must say, it's sort of a precious time, watching him at this period of his life. Watching how he is *trying* to stay focused. And trying to bring himself back when he gets off track. He gets flustered (whereas he used to get angry) when he gets "off," and apologizes (in a hyper sort of way), and I've been able to have more compassion for him and restrain my impatience (hopefully!!) most of the time. My sweet baby boy.....:)

 

Awww...see, that I can really relate to. I have been advised to ground my boys, take away all their privileges, and even spank them for not getting their work done. (When they're taller than me?! No, thank you.)

 

I can admit that maybe some kids are "daydreaming" out of rebellion, but I know in my mother's heart that mine aren't. They really, really dislike this trait. They know it steals their time away. They are not doing it to "get at me."

 

I think maybe there is some innate *need* for this daydreaming - contemplating the broader world and their place in it. I laughingly told one of my IRL friends that they're beginning to realize that the real world isn't exactly the way Barney portrays it - but I really do think that realization is startling and scary, and takes time to truly process and understand.

 

Once again, I'm hoping maybe this is something that will be helped by having an extended break after lunch. I'm hoping that this will be time that is theirs to do with what they want/need to do - if that's math, reading, or just day-dreaming for a while - so be it.

 

 

 

Best wishes, Colleen!

 

ETA: LOLOLOLOL - Feel free to ignore me! I just went to start dinner, opened the refrigerator, and found the ice cream - placed there two hours ago by my 11yo DS. Someone please tell me this a boy-thing, and my dd will by-pass this stage!!! - LOLOLOLOL

Edited July 22, 2009 by Rhondabee

[Janet in Toronto]

I have a distractable son who is now 14 and has been that way since he was about 11. I have recently discovered that letting him do schoolwork with music on headphones REALLY helps focus him. He has eclectic tastes in music, nothing very "hard" or raucous, and I just let him pick his own music.

[KidsHappen]

It's not just boys. Houseful of distracted girls here. It seems to me that my artistic girls are more distracted than my analytical girls. I am also extremely distractable so I just go with it. We learn a lot this way as well just not in an orderly fashion. :tongue_smilie:

[Jorsay]

I'm afraid that just wouldn't work. He would know it was "busy work" and see it as punishment, and I'd have a battle on my hands that I am not willing to fight, esp. when the distractedness is not coming from defiance. I can see letting him finish his "real work" in free time, but I'm not willing to give him extra work to teach him to manage his time.

 

It seems to me that giving him extra work to manage his time is the appropriate consequence for mismanagement of time or for allowing oneself to be distracted. Call it punishment or not, it is nothing more than real world consequences for working slowly. Whether he is being defiant or he just moves slowly, if you believe it is important for him to work faster, why wouldn't you allow him to experience the real world consequences of not working faster?

[WTMindy]

I just went to start dinner, opened the refrigerator, and found the ice cream - placed there two hours ago by my 11yo DS. Someone please tell me this a boy-thing, and my dd will by-pass this stage!!! - LOLOLOLOL

 

Well, my dh just did that two nights ago! :glare:

[Rebecca VA]

I have a distractable daughter. I found that writing math problems out for her, basically making a worksheet for her, really helps. Math can seem overwhelming when you're having to transfer two or more pages of problems onto a separate sheet of paper. It's so much more user-friendly to have the problems already written down for you.

[mcconnellboys]

Turning 11 has been a doozy for my younger son, too! I've been blaming it on the fact that he gets in more video gaming time than my older son did at that age, but realistically I don't think that's it. He also has anxiety problems and turning 11 has ramped that up 1000 fold! OY!!!!!

[Janet in Toronto]

I It seems to me that my artistic girls are more distracted than my analytical girls.

 

:iagree:

 

I never thought about this, but my DS17 who is very analytical and organized is not distracted as much as my DS14 who is in to art and music.

[Colleen in NS]

OK, I've read the threads before, but now it's my turn. Is it common for 11 yo boys to get distracted and forgetful while doing things they are supposed to do?

 

It seems to me that giving him extra work to manage his time is the appropriate consequence for mismanagement of time or for allowing oneself to be distracted. Call it punishment or not, it is nothing more than real world consequences for working slowly. Whether he is being defiant or he just moves slowly, if you believe it is important for him to work faster, why wouldn't you allow him to experience the real world consequences of not working faster?

 

Jorsay, have you been through the experience of parenting an 11-14 year old boy who gets distracted easily? If so, could you tell me about it? I'm trying to find out what others' experiences have been and how they handled it - thus my question of "is it common." I guess I'm assuming parents who have BTDT will respond.

 

I have a distractable son who is now 14 and has been that way since he was about 11. I have recently discovered that letting him do schoolwork with music on headphones REALLY helps focus him. He has eclectic tastes in music, nothing very "hard" or raucous, and I just let him pick his own music.

 

Thank you! It seems, from threads I've read in the past and this one that it *is* common. Hmm....I'm wondering if putting some quiet classical music on while working would help him....he does tend to settle when I put in on in general. I hadn't thought of that - good idea, thanks!

 

I have a distractable daughter. I found that writing math problems out for her, basically making a worksheet for her, really helps. Math can seem overwhelming when you're having to transfer two or more pages of problems onto a separate sheet of paper. It's so much more user-friendly to have the problems already written down for you.

 

Good point. He did tell me today it's the writing out problems part that he gets bogged down in.

[Colleen in NS]

Turning 11 has been a doozy for my younger son, too! I've been blaming it on the fact that he gets in more video gaming time than my older son did at that age, but realistically I don't think that's it. He also has anxiety problems and turning 11 has ramped that up 1000 fold! OY!!!!!

 

:lol::lol: Yep, my ds can get anxious about things! Today he INSISTED I take points OFF his math test, because when I let him answer something orally, he *started* to answer incorrectly (even when he changed his answer, he still wanted points off). I don't even grade his tests yet, but he wants to know his grade. I told him today he must want to flog himself or something - that got a laugh. Seems every time I turn around these days, I'm having to think quickly on my feet to say something witty to help him laugh and relax.

 

:iagree:

 

I never thought about this, but my DS17 who is very analytical and organized is not distracted as much as my DS14 who is in to art and music.

 

My ds is analytical, and somewhat organized, but he's the distractible boy in question here. :lol:

[Colleen in NS]

"Originally Posted by Rhondabee

 

Yes, it will come, and it will shock you! My 14yo boy who seemingly hears my instructions, walks out of the room, does something completely NOT what he's been asked to do, and then retorts, "But, I thought you said..." is the same 14yo who woke himself up at 6:30am, found his own clean clothes (mom had a week-long migraine!), and made his own lunch every day for the past three weeks so that he could volunteer as a day camp counselor at his martial arts dojo. And, his sensei (teacher) had nothing but words of praise for my ds's work ethic and level of responsibility. I was floored.

 

Yes, he still daydreams instead of doing his schoolwork at times (and he gets very, very down on himself for doing so). But, this experience makes me think some of the daydreaming is because homeschool lacks a certain adrenaline rush that comes from having to live up to the expectations of someone who isn't your mother.

 

I would really encourage you to give this a try. If he gets those two problems correct, it will give him a confidence boost to get the rest of them finished. Mostly, though, it will frustrate your ds into figuring out how to convince you that this level of supervision isn't necessary. And, soon you'll hear, "Oh, Mom, trust me. I can do this myself," at which point you can stretch it out to "do half" or something.

 

My ds's have days when they focus and don't need me to even go over their lessons, and then other days that devolve into tears no matter what I do. (I'm obviously no expert - LOL!) But one thing I often forget to do in the heat of trying to "accomplish school" on the "bad days" is to assign them some physical activity. Or, just some time outside in the woods works wonders for my younger ds.

 

I usually *can* remember to call my dh ("What am I going to do with YOUR sons?!"), and since we have discussed how much better the boys can focus mentally once they're tired physically, *HE* will give them an assignment (run for 15 minutes, push-ups, sit-ups, whatever - IDK really because I hand the phone to ds and then go on to whatever is next on my to-do list - LOL!) My boys also know (now) that they need to call Dad when they're having trouble focusing, and they will often volunteer to do so. (Sometimes I think that they just need some father/son time - some sort of man-to-man talk that mom isn't in on.)

 

I also make sure that they have time to "play" in the evenings (and I mean play hard, like at football practice or aikido - something physically exhausting) on those bad days. I can tell that in our house there is a pattern: if ds misses Aikido because Algebra isn't finished due to daydreaming, that doesn't mean Algebra will be finished by bedtime. It merely means that the next day his body/mind/spirit will still be in the same hormone-induced funk, and we will have *another* day-dreamy day. But, if he can sweat some of that out of himself, then usually things get better. It's not the end-all, be-all. But, I do think consistent exercise is one of the best weapons I have.

 

Awww...see, that I can really relate to. I have been advised to ground my boys, take away all their privileges, and even spank them for not getting their work done. (When they're taller than me?! No, thank you.)

 

I can admit that maybe some kids are "daydreaming" out of rebellion, but I know in my mother's heart that mine aren't. They really, really dislike this trait. They know it steals their time away. They are not doing it to "get at me."

 

I think maybe there is some innate *need* for this daydreaming - contemplating the broader world and their place in it. I laughingly told one of my IRL friends that they're beginning to realize that the real world isn't exactly the way Barney portrays it - but I really do think that realization is startling and scary, and takes time to truly process and understand.

 

Once again, I'm hoping maybe this is something that will be helped by having an extended break after lunch. I'm hoping that this will be time that is theirs to do with what they want/need to do - if that's math, reading, or just day-dreaming for a while - so be it."

Rhonda, THANK YOU for all the details of your experience!

 

What you said about giving two math problems makes sense, I hadn't thought about that when replying to another poster who suggested it, too. The part about it maybe frustrating him into just doing them all so he wouldn't have to keep coming back to me every two problems (with heavily edited assigning - some oral, some eliminated altogether).

 

Physical activity - in my head I know this is important, I'm just having a hard time working this in. The ideal is to take my kids for a walk to the stream or the playground in the afternoons, but I haven't been diligent in doing that (figuring out how to cut down on "academics time" in the afternoons to make space for this). It's the only time I can get out with them, it gets dark here by late afternoon in the winter, and I try to have consistent times all through the year. We don't have use of a vehicle afternoons/evenings, either, otherwise I'd be at a pool several afternoons/evenings a week - ds LOVES to play in the pool and he always comes out relaxed and exhausted. I try to go one morning a week (or so), (which is why I try to keep academics to 4 days/week). But it's not enough.

Must work on the physical activity part - I know it will help.

 

Yep, I know that most of the time it is not rebellion. There are days of outright refusal, but I can tell the difference and need to deal differently. He is frustrated by the distractedness at times, too, and gets nervous about my reaction when he tells me he's not done.

 

Trying to talk to dh about ds's need for father/son time more regularly. Fun father/son time, not just chores. Ds helped dh put up a clothesline the other day, and he enjoyed that.

 

He had a nice "naptime" today - only a bit of required reading, then the rest of the two hours was spent reading his choice of good books and playing in his room.

 

Thanks for your sharing!

[Jorsay]

Jorsay, have you been through the experience of parenting an 11-14 year old boy who gets distracted easily? If so, could you tell me about it? I'm trying to find out what others' experiences have been and how they handled it - thus my question of "is it common." I guess I'm assuming parents who have BTDT will respond.

 

My son turned ten in March. (perhaps that not close enough to 11-14, I don't know) He failed kindergarten because, according to the teacher, he couldn't pay attention in class. He is now entirely focused. I believe it is because I don't allow him to be otherwise. He knows that, as I have in the past, I will force him to do extra work during his free time if he "wastes my time" by not staying focused and not working diligently. He works 32.5 hours of academics each week and 16 hours of very tough physical work. His academic assignments are no more than one hour at a time on any one subject otherwise he, like any other human, will become distracted. I try to make any back to back activities as different as possible in order to keep things interesting. If I am not supervising an activity, he always reports to me at the end of each activity so I can monitor how much he accomplished.

 

He also knows that his free time is his own (barring any punishments). This helps motivate him.

[Colleen in NS]

He is now entirely focused. I believe it is because I don't allow him to be otherwise. He knows that, as I have in the past, I will force him to do extra work during his free time if he "wastes my time" by not staying focused and not working diligently.

 

He also knows that his free time is his own (barring any punishments). This helps motivate him.

 

My son (turned 11 in Feb.) used to be like this, and I used to do much of the same things, such as giving extra work or making him finish in his free time. But the level of distractedness has risen drastically in him in the last few months, and I suspect it is physically/hormonally related. The forcing doesn't yield positive results anymore, so I feel I need to change how I deal with some of it. I also have a relationship that I want to upkeep with him, and don't feel it will go well with constant conflict. I'm trying to figure out the new balance.

[Colleen in NS]

Just want to say, thanks, everyone, for your acknowledgement and help. I am keeping a lot of your advice in mind as we go through our daily routines, and trying out different things, and really, observing him to see what's going on. Trying to keep myself from just "running through the routine" for its own sake. (although I did finally yell today when he wouldn't stand still for a minute with the ball while I tried to show dd how the earth moves around the sun - I was hungry and we were running into lunch time, LOL!)

[Colleen in NS]

please ignore, this is an old thread.

 

ETA: There was a spam post that resurrected it, that the mods have now taken out.

Edited November 3, 2010 by Colleen in NS