grief/depression - when to seek help?

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly, I'm not even researching grief or contacting Hospice for support. I've spoken to some friends, some of whom have gone though tragedies and grief, and they're leading me to believe that what I'm experiencing is normal and telling me to give myself more time.

 

It's been two weeks (in 7 hours and 45 minutes) since mom died. I'm not doing too well. I thrive when hubby and I are together and I love sitting and acting goofy with my kids. It helps me escape my thoughts. I enjoy my closest friends most of the time, more on the phone than IRL because I'm just not up to company yet. I don't cry often, knowing mom's suffering is over, but out of NOWHERE the floodgates will open over the silliest things.

 

I only answer my phones when I'm up to it and am THANKFUL that we don't have many unexpected visitors. I feel bad, though, because I know my friends are waiting to hear from me. We had help in the home for five months and I'm just so beyond exhausted, still. It feels SO GOOD to be at home ALONE with my family. And then I feel guilty for feeling that and hope mom understands.

 

Sleeping in to me used to be 8:00. Now I can sleep to 10:00, 10:30 or even 11:00. I awake and don't want to do anything and often won't get my coffee until 12:00, sometimes not until 2:00. I don't want to do ANYTHING.

 

Now I haven't been lazy ALL the time.... I've managed to reorganize my largest flower bed, removing all HIGH MAINTENANCE flowers, and have done annual plantings at the front of the house, while starting to clean up two other gardens. I've help reseed our lawn - about an acre so far. We've decided to do an acre at a time. I'm also breaking in our new piglets, heritage breed which we bought to clear our land. (we cleared for a 3 acre pasture before our parents and my MIL became ill, and 3 years later it's all grown in. I'm going to get goats to eat up the regrowth and the pigs will root it all up. I'm tired of dh and I having to work too hard. Furry creatures will happily help out :001_smile:) But I spend MOST of my time doing ........ nothing. And my house is not as clean as it usually is. DH is SO understanding but I feel bad because I feel passionately that it's my duty to keep a nice home for him so he can come home and relax. He knows this isn't me, and I sit seeing the..... untidiness of it, even feel guilty. But then I do nothing. I'm too tired.

 

I'm also dealing with guilt. Should we have continued to pour antibiotics into mom and keep her going longer? Should I have continued the 2 hour feedings PER MEAL that were exhausting me? Should I have done something different? Hours before mom died I started to panic internally and questioned whether or not I should force those fluids through a syringe again. She only lasted 3 weeks without it.

 

I'm not one to usually dwell on things but I just can't snap out of it. I feel guilt where mom is concerned and fatigue when I'm not feeling guilt. And my perfectionistic best friend, whom I've known for 34 years now, is flying out to see me in 2 days and I'm just tired and don't want to deal with her. I'm also going on our annual 4 day camping trip filled with outdoor concerts, and friends, in 2 weeks. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I'm so tired, but I know it will be good for me. I just pray I'm not an emotional wreck. I'm almost numb right now, not really emotional. Just tired.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm tired! ;)

 

This is my last summer with my oldest son (17) and I really need to make the most of it. My younger son is having issues and dh and I really realize that we need to start natural treatments for ADHD (he was diagnosed as mild 2 years ago but with hormones and puberty at almost 14, mild is NOT accurate!) and my youngest, adopted and with an attachment disorder - I'm just avoiding her. I'm tired. I can't do it. My older daughter struggled with her nana's loss but seems ok now.

 

It's not as bad as it seems, but it is. My two siblings are mentally ill and they're not dealing well with everything. I feel bad but I just can NOT help them. I'm tired. I don't want to help anyone else, but I'm a mom and I need to help my kids. But I'm tired. WHINE, WHINE, whine. I usually am not like this and I *hate* it!

 

Is this grief?

 

Is this normal, or should I perhaps go see my dr? I truly didn't have time to grieve my dad 11 months ago.. This is my first loss, well combined with my first loss - dad. I'm so exhausted, truly, that I just don't know what to do.

 

Well, I just had a Pina Colada and am going to go plant more flowers under my bay window so my duck will have more plants to peck at. :tongue_smilie:

 

I have to say, that duck camped outside my mom's window during her final days, and it showed up in the middle of the night after she died. Animal behavior always intrigued me but how that duck knew she died - I DON'T KNOW.

 

We had mom's service on Friday, a private service for immediate family. It was beautiful. At the end we all wrote notes to mom and attached them to balloons. We all let them go at the same time and all stood watching them. It was so beautiful...... after they were floating in the air for a minute or two they formed a PERFECT cross. I was so excited and speaking loudly and grabbed my camera but they immediately scattered...... and then became a perfect dove's head. Dove's heads are different than other birds, so beautiful and sweet. I hand raised a baby dove and it perched over mom each and every day. MANY mornings I saw mom awake and immediately look at "her" dove. It was SO special. Our dove spent time in bed with mom, too, and mom told me it was a dove. This in her end stage dementia. It truly was beautiful. The little dove mourned mom's loss, too, as it pecked at us and wouldn't let us hold it for a week. This dove normally LIVES to be pampered by me - its mother. It truly thinks I'm mom, and last year I brought it to our annual 4 day camp. It was so young it had no feathers and I kept it warm against my chest surrounded by llama wool. (I have llamas.) So many warm, special, precious moments - but painful, too. Everyone mourns, even animals.

 

For those who have experience with grief, please share.

 

thanks,

[Julie in Austin]

First, :grouphug:.

 

Secondly, and I'm just throwing this out for you to consider: your post kind of sounded like EITHER your grief was normal OR you needed to seek help. And I'm wondering: even if this is normal grief, why can't you seek help if you want to?

 

You've been through a lot. A lot. I hope you can be gentle with yourself for a good long time.

[farmmom4him]

As one who has "never" really dealt completely with my dad's death, I am going to say. DEAL WITH THIS NOW!!!! On Sept 16 it will have been 13 yrs.

 

I say talk to your pastor, pastor's wife or other IRL trusted Christian Friend. Your grief sounds normal, but you also sound on the edge of not normal. You may be hanging on a wire.

 

I will be praying for you. I understand all this. I was my dad's main care taker as he died of colon, lymph, and liver cancer. I was 19. It was hard, and the not knowing if you made right choices in their care can eat at you for a VERY long time--13 yrs-- still bothers me. ;)

 

I remember one day about 2 or 3 days before dad died. I was trying to unblock his peg line. The syringe wouldn't budge and my hand slipped sending horrible pain through my dad's body--like he needed that, dieing of cancer he had enough pain. Anyway, I have felt guilty for not calling hospice to help unblock it. For some reason that is one of my very clear last memories--him crying out in pain as I tried to take care of him.

 

I say this to let you know that the next while is going to be hard. But, I also know that if I had or would go ahed and be able to talk to some one IRL it would help.

 

I wonder how much of the post partum depression I deal with is related to the grief I haven't dealt with??? :confused:

 

I don't really do any of the activities that I did before my dad died. I used to love to ride horses, I don't ride at all anymore. I used to enjoy a lot of things, that just hurt now. I avoid certain things, foods, activities, and even noises--a watch--there is a man I know who wheres the same watch my dad did. I cna't be around him.

 

So, my advice--talk it out now, don't bottle it up.

 

I will pray for you.

 

Betty

[PiCO]

Your greif is normal. Seek help.

 

Hospice has some great programs, I found them enormously helpful.

[Rita]

Grief is a normal process, and there are many stages to it. Our hospice gave us a book on it, and my mom's church actually sent 4 booklets over the course of the year after she died, and those helped immensely. If you pm me your address, and I'll send them to you.

It's only been 2 weeks since your mom went home to the Lord. It was many months of hard work before that....you are allowed to be exhausted. That being said, it is ok to get some medical help for what you are going through. Just because it is grief doesn't mean that you can't seek medical help for it.

:grouphug:

blessings,

Rita

[Denisemomof4]

First, :grouphug:.

 

Secondly, and I'm just throwing this out for you to consider: your post kind of sounded like EITHER your grief was normal OR you needed to seek help. And I'm wondering: even if this is normal grief, why can't you seek help if you want to?

 

You've been through a lot. A lot. I hope you can be gentle with yourself for a good long time.

 

I'm certainly not opposed, but it's just another to add to the list. Ahead of that are orthopedic surgeon, GYN, echo stress, halter monitor, podiatrist, dentist. I've neglected the above for 2 years and desperately need the OS and podiatrist for serious pain issues. I just feel like I need to prioritize, especially if it's normal.

 

I'm SO used to being peppy.....

 

 

thanks!

[mom4him]

I wish I could give you a :grouphug: in person. Loosing someone you love and are close to is very hard and you not only lost her but you also were her main caretaker for a long time. Your whole live becomes wrapped up in caring for that person.

When my father died, I felt relief and then an overwhelming guilt.

When my mother died I fought for her to be weaned off of the ventalator because she and I had talked many times about what life is and what it isn't. I knew she didn't want to be kept alive that way. She had been yearning to go home and be with her Lord. It wasn't just weeks after she died but months after that this grief would overcome me and I would be a puddle.

When my sister/best friend died 4 yrs ago I felt such grief it was weeks before I could function even 1/2 way normally and again months later, in fact even now at times something will happen and I will think of her and be a mess.

The best advice I can give you is don't fight the tears. Let them flow when they come. People will either understand or not but they are healing and cleansing. If you feel you need to see a Dr then do so but with one or not healing from the lose of a loved one takes time and the best thing I believe we can do is give it that time.

Praying for you.

[OHGrandma]

I think God knew you needed to see that cross and dove head.

Don't think of calling hospice as another item on your list to do, it may be just the thing that will help you tackle all the other items on you to-do list.

[Veronica in VA]

Grieving is normal, and it's only been 2 weeks. My mother died 19 years ago this week, and I remember how hard it was at the time. I dealt with it fine when she first died - I felt I had to be strong for everyone else - and my mother's death was unexpected. But my grandfather died about 2 months later, and I just lost it at the funeral. Grieving is a process and I found it took about a year to go through all the steps. If you think you need to see someone, by all means do. And it may seem like a burden to do it at first, but once you start to feel better, it won't seem that way anymore.

 

Veronica

[joannqn]

I think what you are feeling is normal. It's only been two weeks. It can take MUCH longer to grieve the passing of a loved one. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time. It sounds like you are doing fine, especially since you haven't quit all activity.

 

It could very help for you to find a grief support counselor or group...to help you process and work through the grief.

 

I haven't dealt with grief but I've watched a good friend go through it, and she says the grief support group she went to helped a lot. Her and another friend who have lost love ones still grieve during anniversaries (ie. birthdays, death) every year. Be aware that it is normal too.

[Rosie_0801]

If your best friend had written that message you'd have told her that a) the grief is normal and b) she's needs help dealing with it all. If she gave reasons why she shouldn't be seeking help or feeling that way you'd say something like "Don't be ridiculous, Love."

 

Tell your hubby that he has to tell you to do nothing for the next week except lie on a blanket and watch flowers grow. No worrying about the housework, buy take away if you have to. If, after a week of that, you still haven't finished conversing with your Mum, go to the docs and get some mild antidepressants to tide you over.

 

That's what I think, anyway.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[KristenS]

As long as you're making the effort to take care of yourself.... that is REALLY important.

 

My dad passed away when I was 17. It was very unexpected. We all understandably had a hard time with it. But me, I bottled it up and tried to be strong for everyone else ... partly so I didn't have to face my grief and partly because every time I did let it out, it set my mom off again, so I started burying those emotions.

 

17 years later, I'm still processing the whole thing.

 

So I'm saying ... go ahead and give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way feels right to you. If that's crying, or yelling at the heavens, or rearranging the flower beds ... go for it. And feel free to seek help whether what you feel is 'normal' or not, if you want the support. Some folks do a lot better with a sounding board. My mother found some good comfort in grief support groups. (She tried to get me to go, but I was NOT a group cryer sort of person at that time. Still not, but I am getting better at valuing my own feelings.)

 

And don't worry about getting back to all those who helped you through the rough times before she passed. If they are any sort of friend at all, they will understand and still be there for you.

 

((Hugs))

[Alphabetika]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Normal. Not enjoyable and not permanent, but normal.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't seek help, but please don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

 

Again,:grouphug:

[G5052]

I lost my Dad in April and I began to feel "normal" and like myself around the 4th of July. Then I got word Wednesday that my mom is driving the folks in Assisted Living crazy with her tirades and wandering. She could get herself kicked out. So the whole thing is dragging on me again as I have to deal with her doctor and shopping for an eldercare lawyer.

 

I would give yourself a few more weeks, and then if you feel like you're not on the "upward," I'd get help. I'm watching myself that way.

[Dobela]

When my grandfather died 11 years ago, my grandmother was much like you. We asked lots of questions and read lots of books on grief since she refused to find help for herself. One thing we learned was that it often takes 5 years to move through all the stages of grief. For my grnadmother we saw that as about right. The first year was the most difficult as it was the first (insert event) with out my grandfather. She still has days of loss and sadness but not that all consuming grief that she had the first year. Today she can't remember much of the first 3 years after he died. My grandpa was like a father to me and I still sometimes cry over missing him.

 

Now, while you are definately normal in your responses, I still think it might be beneficial to you to seek help. First, parenting a child with an attachment disorder is exhausting in itself. I only did it for 7 months as a foster parent and only made it that long with the weekly sessions I had with a counselor. I needed to know that I *was* ok. I needed to know that I was doing the right things, even if they were making no progress. I really struggled with depression during this time-and I wasn't dealing with the death of a parent along with it.

 

You also have other stressors that counseling helps. Your siblings- yep I have one with autism aspergers that wears me out. I have had counseling a couple of times just to vent and cry. Your feelings of guilt - maybe you can talk thru those with someone impartial.

 

Sometimes counseling is very freeing. I liked knowing that since I paid that person to listen to me, I could cry, yell, sob, curse, wail, or whatever it took to work thru some of my emotions - especially emotions I didn't feel comfortable expressing or working thru at home.

[KidsHappen]

I am going to agree with many here and say that what you are going through is normal but that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help. You do need to deal with it now though. Allow yourself to grieve because if you don't process these emotions, they are not going to go away. :grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

Honey...you just lost your mom after 5 of the hardest months you could imagine. It takes time...and I know this is part of the grief process. It has only been two weeks! Please, don't feel guilty for those days you get your coffee at 2 or sleep until 11. Your body needs to rest, your mind needs to rest, and you need to make peace with what has happened.

 

I am so sorry you are in this place and I wish there was something I could do. :( :grouphug: I watched my mom go through this after my grandmother died. I was 16 and I can remember that, at Christmas, for YEARS, it was just not the same. When you lose a family member, you lose part of yourself. It takes time to heal. Huge, huge :grouphug: to you.

[ereks mom]

My dad died in 2001, and remember feeling a LOT of what you're talking about in your post.

 

Your friends are right. It was at least a year after my dad died that I began to feel like myself again. (I once read a comment by a Christian writer who said that it takes about two years to mourn a natural death.) I found that I felt okay when I was with my family, but then I would suddenly burst into tears over something like hearing a certain song on the radio, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

 

After my dad died, I felt guilty a lot -- guilty that we were going on with our lives without him. I even felt guilty when I laughed about something, as if I wasn't supposed to enjoy ANYTHING anymore. There was a heaviness that pervaded my entire life. I felt like it was an effort to talk above a whisper.

 

Some people (like you) deal with grief & depression by sleeping a lot, while others (like me) have insomnia. I would wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, and had trouble calming down and going back to sleep.

 

I found that staying busy helped me tremendously. Of course, allow yourself to grieve -- IT'S NORMAL after that kind of loss -- but remind yourself that there will come to be a "new normal", and you WILL get there. It just takes time. That's what helped me the most, I think, just realizing that what I was feeling was normal, and that it wouldn't last forever.

[Denisemomof4]

My dad died in 2001, and remember feeling a LOT of what you're talking about in your post.

 

Your friends are right. It was at least a year after my dad died that I began to feel like myself again. (I once read a comment by a Christian writer who said that it takes about two years to mourn a natural death.) I found that I felt okay when I was with my family, but then I would suddenly burst into tears over something like hearing a certain song on the radio, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

 

After my dad died, I felt guilty a lot -- guilty that we were going on with our lives without him. I even felt guilty when I laughed about something, as if I wasn't supposed to enjoy ANYTHING anymore. There was a heaviness that pervaded my entire life. I felt like it was an effort to talk above a whisper.

 

Some people (like you) deal with grief & depression by sleeping a lot, while others (like me) have insomnia. I would wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, and had trouble calming down and going back to sleep.

 

I found that staying busy helped me tremendously. Of course, allow yourself to grieve -- IT'S NORMAL after that kind of loss -- but remind yourself that there will come to be a "new normal", and you WILL get there. It just takes time. That's what helped me the most, I think, just realizing that what I was feeling was normal, and that it wouldn't last forever.

 

thank you EVERYONE here. You've all been SO awesome, ALL OF YOU. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I also needed to read the above. Some nights I awake in the middle of the nights and can't get back to sleep, heart pounding and even chest pains. I know this is anxiety. I thought I was having a heart attack and now know it's anxiety. It started during the process of caring for mom and increased after my mother almost choked to death five times because she was undermedicated and got agitated, which caused her to choke on that which she was too weak to cough up or swallow. It totally traumatized me and I've had to deal with increased anxiety since. I don't fight it anymore and get out of bed if I can't sleep, and then I'll have the days where I sleep in more. Maybe catching up.

 

After the next two busy weeks are over I'll go talk to someone if I need to. I just really didn't think this much fatigue was normal.

 

And like Ereks mom said, I feel guilty going on as if nothing happened. I feel guilty that I don't feel this tremendous loss of her presence. Guilty for not crying a ton - but remember that I got all my crying out when we decided to put her on Hospice. I cried and cried for weeks - and I said good bye to her many, many times. The most painful grieving was when she was still alive but imprisoned in her sick, sick body. But I don't understand why I don't miss her - is it because I'm so glad she's out of that sick body? Then I feel guilty for not missing her.

 

Siiiiiiiigh. It'll all be ok. I pampered myself today and got fake nails put on again. It makes me feel pretty. I also felt bad wearing mom's jewelry with such ugly farm hands. Now they look pretty. :001_smile:

 

Again, thank you everyone SO MUCH, for your sweet support, for sharing your stories, for your prayers, for everything. THANK YOU.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Karen sn]

 

I'm also dealing with guilt. Should we have continued to pour antibiotics into mom and keep her going longer? Should I have continued the 2 hour feedings PER MEAL that were exhausting me? Should I have done something different? Hours before mom died I started to panic internally and questioned whether or not I should force those fluids through a syringe again. She only lasted 3 weeks without it.

 

 

 

You did the right thing.

I am an RN (love hospice work) and I have seen those who die in the hospital while everyone fights the inevitable.

It is sad and painful for all involved.

 

I have seen people die in hospice care where it is gentle and beautiful.

I believe this is the right way that nature intended.

 

And by the way- being a little dehydrated at death is actually more comfortable than having an IV of fluids beccause the kidneys are shutting down and it is too much work to process the fluid.

 

Your mother knew what you were doing for her right up until her last moments.

She is now in a place of complete understanding and I think she thanks you.

I have never known an old person who was afraid to let go and wanted more medical intervention to stay here.

The only person I have ever witnessed fighting death was my 30 year old friend who did not want to leave her 4 kids.

 

 

I could be wrong - but I really believe that when we pass, a peace comes over us as we let go and all the earthly drama and stress cease to be as we become aware of truth and what lies beyond. As a hospice nurse I compare myself to a good midwife. Midwives insure a gentle entrance into this world and I help to insure a gentle passing into the next phase of life.

[Karen sn]

thank you EVERYONE here. You've all been SO awesome, ALL OF YOU. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I also needed to read the above. Some nights I awake in the middle of the nights and can't get back to sleep, heart pounding and even chest pains. I know this is anxiety. I thought I was having a heart attack and now know it's anxiety. It started during the process of caring for mom and increased after my mother almost choked to death five times because she was undermedicated and got agitated, which caused her to choke on that which she was too weak to cough up or swallow. It totally traumatized me and I've had to deal with increased anxiety since. I don't fight it anymore and get out of bed if I can't sleep, and then I'll have the days where I sleep in more. Maybe catching up.

 

After the next two busy weeks are over I'll go talk to someone if I need to. I just really didn't think this much fatigue was normal.

 

And like Ereks mom said, I feel guilty going on as if nothing happened. I feel guilty that I don't feel this tremendous loss of her presence. Guilty for not crying a ton - but remember that I got all my crying out when we decided to put her on Hospice. I cried and cried for weeks - and I said good bye to her many, many times. The most painful grieving was when she was still alive but imprisoned in her sick, sick body. But I don't understand why I don't miss her - is it because I'm so glad she's out of that sick body? Then I feel guilty for not missing her.

 

Siiiiiiiigh. It'll all be ok. I pampered myself today and got fake nails put on again. It makes me feel pretty. I also felt bad wearing mom's jewelry with such ugly farm hands. Now they look pretty. :001_smile:

 

Again, thank you everyone SO MUCH, for your sweet support, for sharing your stories, for your prayers, for everything. THANK YOU.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Well first of all.....I love hard working hands and the way they look.

When I am old I will think back to all the meals I prepared and all the diapers I changed and all the backs I patted and hands I held. I love hands and feel that they are the most abused underappreciated parts of our bodies. Even ugly hands are beautiful. I especially love old lady hands with their long nails and crooked knuckles.

 

Not quite the same - but I wanted to share that I did not immediately cry for my friend who was 30 when she died. And it was because I felt peace that she was no longer in pain. She fought cancer for 6 years and at her death she was completely under medicated and in intense pain. She did not have hospice and was in a hospital. Very very sad to witness.

 

You need Bach's Rescue Remedy.

You can get his stuff cheap at the Vitamin Shoppe) they have real stores and an online store).

 

http://www.bachflower.com/index.html

 

You do not need to feel guilty. We all need to die.

You made sure she was comfortable.

You did exactly what i hope my kids do for me.

And I think for that you are an amazing daughter.

You were there in the end when she needed you most.

[OnTheBrink]

First of all, :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Second, if YOU feel you need a little help right now, then get it. A session or two (or 10) with a grief therapist or your pastor can help support you at this time and help you process your grief. And, be good to yourself. Emotional trauma often has physical symptoms, so be sure to eat well, drink lots of water and get enough sleep.

[KristenS]

If you are having anxiety attacks ... go ahead and get help now. Please. The sooner you treat them, the less likely they are to become a body habit. Usually folks get prescribed Xanax (there is a nice cheap generic available) and you take it as needed, as soon as you feel the symptoms coming on. Just a little pill, and you don't have to take it if you don't want to ... but sometimes it's nice to know you have something on hand to help.

 

(Not to sidetrack your thread ... but I deal with an anxiety disorder and I'd give a lot to have gotten better help at the beginning and better medication before it got so out of hand. And while some folks worry about it being habit forming, my new psych assures me it takes a lot to get to that point. In fact, my personal Rx is for taking it around the clock, and for the first summer in YEARS I've begun to feel like a human being again.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

My prayers continue to be with you, Denise. I have to reiterate what everone else said - your feelings - all of them are normal. And yes, if you have the opportunity to get help in dealing with them, do so. It is an investment in yourself - replenishment after all that you have given. You talked about how you seem to be doing fine and then find yourself awash with grief. I can say relate. I read in a children's novel about how the main character would "trip over potholes of grief." My dad died 11 years ago and I still trip over those potholes on occasion.

 

I do wish I had taken advantage of some help with the grieving process. I didn't know how to deal, so I surpressed it - afraid that feeling would lead me down a familiar path to depression. Well, it was not dealing, not taking advantage of others' help to shore up the ground beneath me that lead to my fall.

 

ETA: Oh, and I second the recommendation for Rescue Remedy. It is fantastic.

 

Take care of yourself and God Bless.

[Sandy in Indy]

My mother died six weeks ago today. I'm still stuck in inertia. I'm doing all the necessary things like meals and laundry, but my house looks like a hurricane hit it and the dust is inches thick. I cry at least once a day and the smallest things can set me off. I've managed a few times to share happy memories of mom...but mostly I fall apart when I think of or talk about her. It's OK. I know that eventually the pain will fade and the happy memories will take hold again.

 

Let yourself grieve. We all face that in different ways and time schedules.

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[Denisemomof4]

My mother died six weeks ago today. I'm still stuck in inertia. I'm doing all the necessary things like meals and laundry, but my house looks like a hurricane hit it and the dust is inches thick. I cry at least once a day and the smallest things can set me off. I've managed a few times to share happy memories of mom...but mostly I fall apart when I think of or talk about her. It's OK. I know that eventually the pain will fade and the happy memories will take hold again.

 

Let yourself grieve. We all face that in different ways and time schedules.

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

I'm so very sorry for your loss, too.

 

One thing I do know is that grief is a very personal thing. You'll have your own way of doing things and you'll have your own timetable. Please accept what ever that is.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[ereks mom]

...by Harold Ivan Smith. It was actually written to help those who've lost loved ones near holiday time, or who are anticipating that painful first holiday season after the loss of a loved one, but I think that it would be helpful for anyone going through the grieving process, regardless of the time of year.

My dad's funeral was two days before Thanksgiving, and I remember that the holidays that year (2001) were terribly difficult. I read this book, and it really did help.

 

Here is a link: http://http://www.amazon.com/Decembered-Grief-Living-Others-Celebrating/dp/083411819X

[Terabith]

Well, I think a grief support group or talking with a pastor would be very helpful. But, I think what you are feeling is normal.

 

And, you're dealing with a lot of things on top of grief. You were truly doing superhuman things to care for your mom. I honestly can't imagine many people would have gone to quite those lengths given the inevitability. You went so far above and beyond. And you have neglected your own health. And besides your mom, you've had significant stressors from your siblings. You really do need to take some time to deal with your health, physical and mental.

 

Of course you are exhausted. Having people in and out of the house all the time???? Heck yeah, that's exhausting. Of course you are grateful to be alone. You need to give yourself permission to feel these things. Of course it is a relief not to be doing what you have been doing. There is no reason to feel guilty for the completely normal relief you are experiencing.

 

But, guilt and exhaustion are normal parts of the grieving process. But, normal grief is not meant to be grieved alone. That's part of why the Jews sit shiva. Grief is supposed to be shared. That doesn't mean it's pathological or that you need antidepressants. Those *might* be helpful, but I think talking with some people, especially a hospice support group, might really help.

 

Hang in there. You've had so much on your plate for so long. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, whatever it is.

[specialmama]

aww Denise, you are perfectly normal. :grouphug:

 

After my dad died, I found writing letters to him, or poetry helped. Praying helped. When the floodgates open, let them... that is normal and necessary. Everyone is different, but it will get better... there will come a day when you'll stop and think, hey, I haven't been sad (or angry or regretful) about mom for at least 6 hours... then a full day..... and you'll start to smile, and think of happy memories with your mom... what you're going through is normal. You need to rest, girl. Just rest. You are no good to your kids when you're burnt out, so give yourself permission to take it easy for however long you need. :grouphug: Still praying for you.