EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 when they've spent the night/weekend at a family member's house, especially one where they do more fun things than they might at home? My MIL says my niece (age 9) is sassy and more disrespectful when she returns from a night/weekend at our house. I have no idea if this is typical, because my mom said the same thing about me when I returned from my grandparents' home when I was a child. The common factor here is that both my niece and I have/had chaotic home lives, so I always assumed it was related to that. My niece is sassy ALL THE TIME at home, and at our home, that is not allowed to act this way. She does amazingly well, and always has, even for days at a time. I am respectful of her feelings, try to do fun things with her, etc., and these things don't happen at home. My theory is that she is reacting to returning to a chaotic environment from a safe, secure one. At the same time, I have no idea how other children are, so how would I know if this is the reason? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Bump, because I think it got bumped right off the page before anyone saw it! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erica in PA Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 when they've spent the night/weekend at a family member's house, especially one where they do more fun things than they might at home? My MIL says my niece (age 9) is sassy and more disrespectful when she returns from a night/weekend at our house. I have no idea if this is typical, because my mom said the same thing about me when I returned from my grandparents' home when I was a child. The common factor here is that both my niece and I have/had chaotic home lives, so I always assumed it was related to that. My niece is sassy ALL THE TIME at home, and at our home, that is not allowed to act this way. She does amazingly well, and always has, even for days at a time. I am respectful of her feelings, try to do fun things with her, etc., and these things don't happen at home. My theory is that she is reacting to returning to a chaotic environment from a safe, secure one. At the same time, I have no idea how other children are, so how would I know if this is the reason? Yes, all three of my kids are noticeably more spoiled and sassy when they come home after spending time away at a family member's house. I think it's because of all the fun they have, they do get a bit spoiled. It usually takes a day or two before they're back to their usual selves. I anticipate it now, and take a firm stance at the first bit of backtalk or complaining when they get home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabrett Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 My dc act this way when they come back from grandparents house. They "spoil" them and pretty much give them what they want when they want. They only see them several times a year. I'm ok with it since it is only occasional. It would be different if they we able to see them on a regular basis. I would make sure the "spoiling" stopped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jami Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 My older three just returned from a week at their grandparents. They spent the week having adventures, receiving little gifts, and eating things we consider treats here. It gives their grandparents and aunts great joy to be able to "spoil" them in this way. It can be frustrating and has been more so in years past. BUT this time, I'm seeing more of the fruit that from the daily, consistent training they have here at home. They are not spoiled children (for the most part) despite having so much attention and stuff lavished on them when at Grandpa and Grandmas. They know how very fortunate they are and are showing appropriate thankfulness. We've not had sassy, spoiled behaviors as they settle back into life with a more strict diet and parenting structure this time. They're growing up. *sniff* They also seem to realize that to be able to have this kind of trip without mom and dad in the future, that I need to see that they can appreciate that vacation life is not every day life. ;) My firstborn in particular is a very grateful kid and encourages his sisters not to act spoiled and bratty, I very much appreciate his example to them. So yes, in the past they have come back sassy and when I'm with them I'm quick to jump on attitudes and demands I hear them make towards other family members that they would not try on mom or dad. But I'm pleased that over time their characters seem less easily swayed by a few days when there are less strict behavioral standards in place. Or just more adults eager to please their every whim! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes, it is more an issue with my DD than DS. He just comes home addicted to TV when he visits relatives (we don't have cable & only pick up PBS with that new box). She picks up phrases, attitudes, mannerisms... and even pronunciation differences. IT can be funny b/c I will ask her when did "cousin X" move into our house. It passes quickly b/c the real world kicks back in... but it does take a couple of days of reprogramming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Well gee, I'm not sure if this helps or not. I appreciate everyone's replies. Here's the thing. When I was a kid, my grandparents DID spoil me, so that's consistent with what everyone is saying. But with my niece, I am so much more strict than they are at home! She eats junk food ALL DAY at home (to the exclusion of real meals if she feels like it). She runs the neighborhood. The tv is on constantly. She is rude and demanding. None of this occurs at our house. We DO engage in more organized activities than she does at home. Would this be enough to cause the change?? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Yes, I am dealing with this with ds13 right now. He came home from 4 days on a farm with his best friend's family, where I know he has a great time and he behaves himself. The only down is I think they do even more computer games than we do. This time he came home really emotionally closed down to me, with a yukky attitude. He is normally open and friendly and he wasnt, he was rude and unfriendly. I noticed it straight away and asked him about it- he just shrugged. Its now 4 days later and unfortunately his attitude is barely any better- partly because his dad was away for the weekend, I had things on, and he spent a lot of time with other friends over the weekend. SO its like he hasnt really clicked back into our family mode. I dont like it at all and it makes me want to keep him home more- but now that he is 13 thats getting harder and he does need and want to spread his wings. Today I have grounded him- not so much as a punishment, but just so that we can deal with the residue of this behaviour and transition him back to his sweeter self. And no more sleepovers these holidays. My dd doesnt however seem to get like this much, although others have commented that she is different with different groups of friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jami Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Well gee, I'm not sure if this helps or not. I appreciate everyone's replies. Here's the thing. When I was a kid, my grandparents DID spoil me, so that's consistent with what everyone is saying. But with my niece, I am so much more strict than they are at home! She eats junk food ALL DAY at home (to the exclusion of real meals if she feels like it). She runs the neighborhood. The tv is on constantly. She is rude and demanding. None of this occurs at our house. We DO engage in more organized activities than she does at home. Would this be enough to cause the change?? :confused: It could be the tension of going from a more strict home back into a more indulgent one. How often and for how long is she in your home? One of my dds tends to act up more when she's frustrated with her own behavior and feels out of control about it. Perhaps your niece feels that same guilt/anger? It would be hard to go back and forth between two extremes, particularly if deep down, she prefers the order of your home and that makes her feel angry about having too much freedom in her homelife. I think there are kids that do resent not having boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 (edited) No. But I usually let my kids decompress after a family visit. By the next morning my schedule/rules are pretty easily adjusted to. A good night's sleep can do wonders. ETA: I am usually the spoiler of family & friends. When they are over it's party time! My kids see that our lives are different when we host kiddos vs. regular rules. I think that might help them adjust to home life. They know that any fun spoiling they receive elsewhere is just temporary, because I do the same thing. Edited July 13, 2009 by True Blue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadowwolf549 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 We have the same problem with oldest DS and DD when they come back from their best friend's house. They love it there and are allowed free reign of the house and pantry. Pretty much the kids run the house over there. When they come home it takes them a little while to shift back into "home" mode so to speak. I absolutely adore the kids' Mom (she's my bestfriend), but DH is not so happy about the arrangement. I would love to hear the advice that everyone else has to offer, as this is an issue at our house too! It's good to know that we aren't the only ones w/ this issue. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 It could be the tension of going from a more strict home back into a more indulgent one. How often and for how long is she in your home? One of my dds tends to act up more when she's frustrated with her own behavior and feels out of control about it. Perhaps your niece feels that same guilt/anger? It would be hard to go back and forth between two extremes, particularly if deep down, she prefers the order of your home and that makes her feel angry about having too much freedom in her homelife. I think there are kids that do resent not having boundaries. This is my impression, but I am also admittedly biased, as I deeply hope that she will live with us some day and I tend to look for reasons why this might happen at some point (this is a whole other issue, I have people I've talked with about this). She doesn't come over very often. It apparently happens whether she is over two nights a year, or over for a full week. When she was younger, she would get noticeably withdrawn when we were driving her home. I suppose it's just something that many kids do, but it just happens to be for a different reason in this situation. Thanks for everyone's input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 (edited) Sorry to be the dissenter, but I don't have this problem. We are a moderately strict family, and have high standards for attitudes. We are a very happy house, and there is very little discourse. Our kids were never allowed to fight when they were little, so they don't fight now. The honestly like each other. Usually, the kids come home and are happy to be home to a house that is peaceful (not necessarily quiet-we often have a houseful), and without fighting, arguing, back talking, or sassing. They will come home and tell me stories about the fights between the kids at their friend houses (and sometimes the adults). There is little cooperation between their friends and their friends sibs, so they come home and comment how lucky they are to have each other for sibs. Any sassing of me would be shut down immediately. I control all activities in our house, they both have outside classes, and with out me and my car, they would be locked inside the house with a lot of work to do. They know that I have no problem taking them out of any activity, team or not, if they are not behaving at home. I have no tolerance for attitude. Edited July 13, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I have the same problem. My main baby-sitter is my MIL, who loves to keep the kids but they do come home stuffed chock-full of TV and no discipline whatsoever. I make a joke that it takes two days of reprogramming for each night gone, but it's not necessarily a joke. Now, if they go to a friend's house for baby-sitting purposes, they don't come home this way because the discipline is the same. Any sort of change in atmosphere is, IMHO, going to cause stress in a kid and cause them to act up when they get back. In my kids, this "decompression" can come out in the form of acting up. Like someone else said, a good night's sleep afterward does wonders! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 In your niece's case it may be more like a child who behaves for the teacher or babysitter who has good rules and a stricter schedule but "falls apart" when they go home. Part of it is the lack of control that they might feel but some of it is that we are more free to "be ourselves" with our Mom and Dad. As chaotic as their family might be, unless there is neglect or abuse, she knows that her parents love her even when she doesn't hold it all together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cillakat Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 mine definitely are and it has nothing to do with 'chaotic' v. 'stable'. It has to do - imesho;p - with novelty. Going to visit my sister, my mom, dh's mom is fun, novel, exciting. Staying with me, regardless of what we do, is same ole same ole. They always hear my voice telling them to pick things up, brush teeth, comb hair, let the dogs out......same sh*t different day even if it's mixed in with fun, games, activities. But at a different house everything is an adventure, even when they do have to pick up after themselves and help out. Novelty. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.:D K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 In your niece's case it may be more like a child who behaves for the teacher or babysitter who has good rules and a stricter schedule but "falls apart" when they go home. Part of it is the lack of control that they might feel but some of it is that we are more free to "be ourselves" with our Mom and Dad. As chaotic as their family might be, unless there is neglect or abuse, she knows that her parents love her even when she doesn't hold it all together. This is probably true of most of the kids here. It actually isn't an emotionally supportive environment at all. There isn't abuse, but it's not healthy. If it was just "wow, they eat so much junk food!!! (you should see my diet, seriously!)", I wouldn't be so vain to think that it was so detrimental to her. If you come back to this thread, I'm interested to know your (or anyone else's) opinion on something. How long do you think a child CAN "hold it together" before their natural self comes through? Going to visit my sister, my mom, dh's mom is fun, novel, exciting. Staying with me, regardless of what we do, is same ole same ole. They always hear my voice telling them to pick things up, brush teeth, comb hair, let the dogs out......same sh*t different day even if it's mixed in with fun, games, activities. But at a different house everything is an adventure, even when they do have to pick up after themselves and help out. Definitely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 If you come back to this thread, I'm interested to know your (or anyone else's) opinion on something. How long do you think a child CAN "hold it together" before their natural self comes through? I don't know! The thing is, it could also be that she was acting up hoping that her parents would step up to the plate and put some boundaries out there. You know, a "just how far will you let me go" kind of scenario. I know I'm putting conflicting theories out there but really, without be there, that's all we can do. We then need to rely on your judgment as to whether any of this really fits the true circumstances! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EthiopianFood Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 I don't know! The thing is, it could also be that she was acting up hoping that her parents would step up to the plate and put some boundaries out there. You know, a "just how far will you let me go" kind of scenario. I know I'm putting conflicting theories out there but really, without be there, that's all we can do. We then need to rely on your judgment as to whether any of this really fits the true circumstances! I think it's all true to varying extents. But your comment makes me think of it in a different way. She's acting up as if to say, I just came from a place where I am expected to be my best self, the person I really can be, deep inside. Will you help me be that person here, too? Unfortunately, the answer is no. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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