Parenting teens revisited... any ideas??

[BMW]

I know I've brought this issue up before... Here I am again with it... I am looking for advice AND a hug with sympathy!!

 

I have lots of teens in the home.... 19 yrs, 17 yrs, 16 yrs, 14 1/2 yrs, 13 yrs, (the younger boys are 12, 11, 10 and 9).

 

I have tried and tried to get it through their heads that bedtime rules need to be obeyed... I am weary of it.

 

We have a small home for the number of us. My bedroom is right next to the living room, hallway and bathroom. I am a very light sleeper.

 

My rule is that Sun. through Thurs. all household (not personal bedroom) lights go off at 9pm (with the exception of 2 nights where a favorite show ends at 10pm) and everyone goes to their rooms. No going in and out of rooms. Brush your teeth, etc. PRIOR to that time. They can stay up in their rooms with their lights on and read, etc. as long as they are being quiet-ish. I don't usually get disturbed if they are talking quietly. No phone calls after 9pm.

 

BUT this just isn't happening. Last night I was awake until well past 2am. I am exhausted. At 1am two of them were in and out of the bathroom, in the hall, in the living room... etc.!! Another one decided to do laundry at 11pm!!

 

So, when in the midst of it, I feel a lot of anger... I WANT to sleep! I have a hard time falling asleep many nights, so, if I am active during the day, no naps or rests, push myself and fall into bed at 9-10pm... aaah, it feels SO good and I start to drift off... then doors open and close, etc. voices, lights turned back on... and I am now angry...

 

I do use melatonin.

 

What kind of consequences can I give to offenders? I could take cell phones away for the day after they keep me awake... I could deny them any transportation the next day... not all of them have cell phones, though.

 

I have this dread feeling that this will be how life is the next 10 more years... what happened to kids go get in their beds and go to sleep??

 

Thanks for listening... hugs are welcome, chill pills will just tick me off... LOL

[Margaret in GA]

What if you let them stay up late under the condition that they aren't to make *any* noise. I have to say that a 9pm bedtime seems really, really early for a teenager. Maybe by giving them a little (they can read or play silently on the computer), they will give you some quiet. Just a thought.

 

Margaret (mom to 9ds,13ds,15dd) , whose bedroom is also right next to the kitchen and bathroom!

[JFSinIL]

Hearos ear plugs. I also have teens (17, 17, 15, 13) and I do go to bed long before they do. (9pm quiet stay-in-room time seems childish for older teens - unrealistic on your part.) I buy the earplugs in packs of 20 pairs - and wear each set several nights in a row. Takes a bit of getting used to...but I do not even hear hubby snore anymore! Amazingly enough, though - Mom-Radar kicks in and I do hear if a child is ill, etc. But I can sleep through loud tv, doors bangin, etc. now. My bedroom is above the sole tv room in the house, I have teens on either side of my room and the sole bathroom is a few feet away from my door. So I hear you about teen racket!

 

http://hearos.com/earplugs/products-02525.html

 

I am sending ds to college with several packs of these wonders, too!

[Julie in Austin]

"I will be napping from 1pm to 3pm because my sleep was interrupted last night by people not following the house rules. During that time, I would normally [do 3 loads of laundry, make dinner, clean the bathroom]. Since I have to sleep, you'll need to do it. If you don't like this, don't disturb my sleep in the future." ;)

[Georgiana Daniels]

Nine o'clock seems a bit early for teens to settle in for the night, especially if someone needs to use the facilities before they fall asleep. What time do you have them get up? Perhaps waking them earlier might help.

[BMW]

Okay, you two... I will try to change the rules a little so that they feel they are not treated as children... for me, it's not so much an age issue as it is a respect issue, THEY don't have to get up at 4:30am, dh does (he sleeps much better than I do, usually), and I get up at 6am. I guess the princess who believes in fairy tales part of me wants to believe that my children will just stop and think... "Oh, goodness, mother dear needs to sleep, we must be very quiet for the wonderful lady..." and then go off and relax in their rooms...

[adams101]

How early do they get up? If they are sleeping all day, they have no incentive to go to bed at a reasonable time. Maybe make them get up earlier than normal on the nights they keep you up. Don't allow naps either. If they are as tired as you, they are more likely to respect your boundries. If they don't like to get up early, like my dd, it is an incentive to at least stay quiet.

[BMW]

Oh, I must say that they have a lot to DO in their rooms, too... the 19/14 yr olds have a tv, dvd player, xbox set up... the others have a computer and xbox 360... It may not be the same as the family room, but they are not being deprived as they head off to bed...

[MOM24WONDERS]

Granted, our oldest is only 15, but EVERYONE is in bed by 9pm here. The youngest goes to bed at 8 and goes straight to sleep. Everyone else goes to bed at 9 and can read quietly if they please. No computer is allowed (we only have one extremely high-filtered, password-protected computer in the living room, anyway), we don't have television. No phone calls after 8:30 (no one but mom and dad have cell-phones).

 

At 10pm, it's lights out. Everyone goes to sleep and that's how it is. :)

 

We also have "rest-time" everyday from 1-3pm. The youngest takes a nap and the other three (and me) all lie down and read, watch a movie, or nap quietly. There is NO coming out of the rooms for any reason - bathroom is fine, if done quietly. They have portable DVD players so they can watch a movie in their room.

 

I always had a bedtime growing up...I don't think it's a big deal at all.

 

As for enforcing it, I really don't have any answers. We've been doing the same thing for years (when the kids turn 8 they can stay up past 8 and read until 9, then it's lights out. When they turn 10 they get to the schedule we are on now.)

 

I would think that just taking them aside and explaining the difficulties that you have sleeping, etc. would cause them to be more sympathetic and obey the rules. If they are clearly defined there should be no reason they aren't. Sorry I don't have any more answers. Hopefully someone with more experience than me can chime in with the "wonder-cure" :)

[Mandy in TN]

Some people just need less sleep than others. I am up at 7:30 and I am never asleep before midnight. Last night I went to bed at 2:30 and was up at 7:30. I don't use an alarm clock. It's just that 5-6 hours is just about how long I sleep.

 

I can't imagine someone telling me to go to bed at 9 and there is no way I would tell a group of teens that they need to be in bed at 9. Good grief, if I went to sleep at 9, I would be up at 2AM! When I go to sleep earlier, I end up waking up at some ridiculous hour and sitting quietly in my bed channel surfing for hours until 7:30 when I wake up dh.

 

Now my step-father goes to sleep about 11PM and gets up about 4:30AM. EEK! He is very quiet, but still what is there to do at that hour. I mean no one else is up. The news programs haven't even started. He doesn't drink coffee. Is the newspaper even there yet? Actually, I know what he does. He eats, works out, showers, and plays on the computer until people get up or stores open.

 

My mom would be thrilled if he would stay up later and get up later. She has the same problem in the morning that you have in the evening. He wakes her up hours before she wants to get out of bed. My mom still works and she doesn't have to be there until 9, so waking up at 4:30 isn't something she is interested in doing.

 

So, another vote for earplugs.

Mandy

[Mandy in TN]

Alright after reading the rest of the posts this is funny, because morning is my quiet time and I don't want to see or hear kids before 9AM. They can stay in their rooms and sit, but I don't even want to hear them walking.

 

So, I guess if your dh doesn't mind getting them up at 4:30AM then the bedtime should work itself out. Even if they only need 5-6 hours sleep they should be asleep by 10:30 or so.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[OHGrandma]

Tents. Anyone disturbing your sleep can finish the rest of the night outside in a tent, and the next night too. :tongue_smilie:

 

That was only semi-serious, I'd vote for earplugs and make the curfew later for the older ones.

[Danestress]

Ear plugs are awesome. I would never get a night of sleep without. Foam.

 

I would get the electronics out of the teen's rooms. Even the 19 year old. No one, adult or child, has tvs and computers in their bedrooms here. My 21 year old does when he comes home just for a weekend (has his lap top) but if he were living here, we would have to discuss that because I don't want that example for the younger children.

 

I think if you are going to bed at 10 and leaving a houseful of teens with unlimited tv and computer and gaming access, you are going to have people who train themselves to stay up really late.

 

I would not set bedtimes for kids 16 and older. But I would make tv and other electronics totally unavailable.

 

Other than that, ear plugs, and if that doesn't work, I would have a "if I am up past 11, you are up at 6" rule.

[LibraryLover]

No chill pill from me.

 

I have one teen who is in bed by 9 and up at 5.

 

BUT two others are not.

 

I have a hsing friend with 6 teens, and she says "The party begins at 10".

 

Now, I don't have that sort of experience, but I can tell you that ime, teens have different body clocks. My sister (who doesn't hs, but is the the mother of two kids in college fulltime) swears by earplugs.

 

In fact, when we all went on vacation together, she handed them out. lol They did help (my mother does not sleep through the night, and she and I did share a room).

[Tap]

Another vote for earplugs or a noise/white noise machine for you to drown out the kids.

 

I am a natural night owl. I haven't gone to bed at 9:00 since I was in elementary school (obvious exclusions like being sick, aside). My younger children, including my 2yo goes to bed at 9! ds14 stays up until 10 on school nights, later on the weekends. I can't imagine going to bed when it is light out! There are still a street full of kids playing outside at 9-10pm here.

 

If someone sent me to my bed at 9pm, I would lay there for several hours, and ultimately...I would need to go to the bathroom.

 

How can you make the noises they do make less bothersome? Can they not close the doors, leaving them slightly ajar so you don't hear them latch? Can they not flush the commode unless it had stool in it . Ever hear the rhyme 'if its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down"? That was the rule in our house growing up anytime my mom was in bed. Adding a rug in the hall outside, may baffle some of the sounds.

 

I understand that they have things in their rooms to do, but honestly if they are locked in there for hours every night, then I am certain they get tired of being in there.

 

It sounds like them moving around is one of the worst offenders, but another thought is wireless headphones for the TV. They can then be in the front rooms, but the volume on the TV wont bother you so much.

[fivetails]

If the parents have to be up early in the morning, it doesn't strike me odd at all to have an earlier 'lights out' rule :) - the rule is for the REST of the house, not the teens' bedrooms, after all. There's lots they can do in their rooms, it seems. The OP mentioned video games, television, etc - plus they could read, write, do something artistic, whatever, if they aren't sleepy. They haven't been given a 9pm *bedtime*.

 

We get up at 4ish because of how early dh leaves for work. I could *not* deal with someone mucking about in the living room at 11pm! Right now, dd12 isn't always tired (ds10 is sound asleep most nights by 8 at the latest) so she can read in bed - we shut the house down anytime between 9-10pm, depending how tired dh and I are. Sometimes she'll read or play quietly with her webkinz until 11 or a bit past. :)

 

edit: bathroom stuff - of course people need it sometimes. That's fine - I would never growl at our dd12 if she went to the washroom at 11pm... if she hopped in the SHOWER at that time though, that's a different story! :tongue_smilie:

Edited July 11, 2009 by fivetails

[Renee in NC]

Changing my answer here because I re-read the OP. There has to be a compromise in their somewhere. I would not want to spend 3-4 hours in my room trying to be quiet either. That would just get boring!

 

Earplugs and white noise.

Edited July 11, 2009 by Renee in FL

[BlsdMama]

I would think that just taking them aside and explaining the difficulties that you have sleeping, etc. would cause them to be more sympathetic and obey the rules.

 

If they don't respect her I actually think they'd consider it whining... Just saying.

 

Bottom line? Obviously they don't respect you. If the rule is clearly defined, clearly explained, and outright disobeyed, then they do not respect your rules.

 

And while I think all the back and forth on whether they have enough wake time or enough entertainment is very nice, it's NOT the point. The point is there's a bedtime, there's house rules, and they are flagrantly breaking them.

 

So my question would be - what do you do? If I were in my bed and someone broke the rule, came out of their bedroom, and turned on a television, I'd be up in a flash saying, "Who do you think you are?" Because they'd better be my husband. So what consequences are in place for something like this? And, IMO, outright disobedience (at any age in MY house) would be fairly severe. There are not a huge number of rules in this house - essentially there is one - Obey Your Mama. ;)

 

Keeping in mind that it all sounds good - I have one teen - 13. So I'm at the beginning of this trip. But you mentioned the rules, you mentioned the breaking of the rules.... And then I expected to hear the consequence of disrespecting their mother and there was nothing..... That was strange to me.

 

You absolutely have my hugs ;) and NO chill pill, but they need to be shown this isn't acceptable. (And you have my sympathy as I will also have five teens at one time in the not too far off future.....)

[BlsdMama]

Changing my answer here because I re-read the OP. There has to be a compromise in their somewhere. I would not want to spend 3-4 hours in my room trying to be quiet either. That would just get boring!

 

Earplugs and white noise.

 

They have an X box, they have a television, they have a radio, and they have books....... 9:00 seems reasonable..... What is it they feel they must be out of the room for? Is midnight a reasonable bedtime? 1 AM? I don't think so. Not if you're trying to train adults to get up early and be productive the next day.

[Renee in NC]

They have an X box, they have a television, they have a radio, and they have books....... 9:00 seems reasonable..... What is it they feel they must be out of the room for? Is midnight a reasonable bedtime? 1 AM? I don't think so. Not if you're trying to train adults to get up early and be productive the next day.

 

I have a 16yo who regulates his own sleep. He has no problem getting up in the mornings when he has to, he is *in* school so during the school year he goes to bed late and gets up early. He doesn't have a bedtime and I can't imagine trying to enforce one anymore. I don't see a 16yo as a child, though, so that may have some bearing.

 

I would think that "training" would be done long before 16 and 19. By the time you get to that age your "training" window is pretty much closed.

 

I may feel differently if I were a light sleeper. He has awakened me lately - he came in my room one night and was killing a bug that was crawling on his brother. I went right back to sleep.

 

When I was 14, I spent the entire summer staying up all night and sleeping all day. It has had ZERO bearing on my ability to get up early as an adult. Sometimes I stay up really late when I have to get up early and I face the consequences - I am TIRED! I don't see how my 16yo is any different than than I am.

[Haiku]

My suggestions:

 

1) Change bedrooms so that your room is not right next to the main part of the house.

 

2) Get some sort of a noise screen.

 

3) Realize that it is your extreme sensitivity to noise that is the main problem, not the behavior of your children. You have nine children in the house. Expecting it to be dark and silent after 9 is unrealistic.

 

Someone posted a while back about this issue. It may have been you. I believe that my advice at that time was that the children needed to respect you and be quiet in their rooms, but on further reflection and, if it was you who posted and you're not having success getting the kids to be quiet, then it's probably time to change your expectations. I also have a hard time sleeping unless it is dark and quiet, so I made sure my bedroom was not in the main part of the house and that I have a noise screen.

 

Tara

[lllll]

Ear plugs are awesome. I would never get a night of sleep without. Foam.

 

I would get the electronics out of the teen's rooms. Even the 19 year old. No one, adult or child, has tvs and computers in their bedrooms here. My 21 year old does when he comes home just for a weekend (has his lap top) but if he were living here, we would have to discuss that because I don't want that example for the younger children.

 

I think if you are going to bed at 10 and leaving a houseful of teens with unlimited tv and computer and gaming access, you are going to have people who train themselves to stay up really late.

 

I would not set bedtimes for kids 16 and older. But I would make tv and other electronics totally unavailable.

 

Other than that, ear plugs, and if that doesn't work, I would have a "if I am up past 11, you are up at 6" rule.

 

:iagree: Electronics have that brain-numbing effect which results in some people really needing to just get up and move to shake it.

 

Also, I run a fan at night to drown out the noises. And keep the bedroom door closed, shades drawn, etc. Maybe you could switch bedrooms with one of the kids?? And I agree that there is definitely a little bit of a lack of respect going on, too. If my dc were doing this, I'd gather them all together, explain the problem - in my most grouchy, lack-of-sleep tone - and tell them to SOLVE IT. IMMEDIATELY! While I sat there and listened in order to approve of said plan ... since I'm the one losing the sleep. But that's me. :)

 

Wishing you peaceful dreams soon.

 

Kathy

Edited July 11, 2009 by ksva

[KidsHappen]

As I have mentioned several times, there are many insomniacs in this family. Before I had sleeping problems, I never understood why the children couldn't just lay down and go to sleep. Now I know better. It is pure torture to lie in bed for hours and not be able to go to sleep. I don't think that your expectations are realistic. Instead I would look for ways to manage this.

 

For you, ear plugs and one of those calming nature sounds cds. Make sure your room is completely dark and consider extra sound proofing ideas. Hand taperstry or curtains on your walls. And if you are waking so easily maybe consider a prescription sleeping aid. There are some that help you fall asleep and stay asleep.

 

For you children, figure out exactly what it is that they are leaving the room for. If it is bathrooms trips, ask that everyone leave door cracked so that they don't click when opened and closed. Don't flush unless neccessary. We learned this in Germany where people share house. If they are need drinks, have each take a bottle of water of other drink to their room before retiring. Same with snacks if that is what they need. Consider allowing tv or music with headphones.

 

And if all else fails, any child that wakes you sleeps on your floor for the rest of the night. Trust me that will not happen too many times before they learn not to wake mom. Oh, and I like the idea of children taking over the chores during the day so you can nap.

[cathmom]

My suggestions:

 

1) Change bedrooms so that your room is not right next to the main part of the house.

 

2) Get some sort of a noise screen.

 

3) Realize that it is your extreme sensitivity to noise that is the main problem, not the behavior of your children. You have nine children in the house. Expecting it to be dark and silent after 9 is unrealistic.

 

Someone posted a while back about this issue. It may have been you. I believe that my advice at that time was that the children needed to respect you and be quiet in their rooms, but on further reflection and, if it was you who posted and you're not having success getting the kids to be quiet, then it's probably time to change your expectations. I also have a hard time sleeping unless it is dark and quiet, so I made sure my bedroom was not in the main part of the house and that I have a noise screen.

 

Tara

 

I agree with this, especially the bolded part. It doesn't sound like your dc are blaring music, having wild parties, etc. They are just doing normal things that make normal noise.

[BlsdMama]

I don't see how my 16yo is any different than than I am.

 

Well... I can answer that. I'm the authority and they aren't. If I want my house quiet at 9:00 at night, then that's how it gets to be. And when the 16yo has their house, well, they may choose to stay up as late as they'd like.

 

Unfortunately we assume that treating a teenager with respect is the same as treating them as equals. It's not true. I can RESPECT my children but that does not make them my equal.

[Renee in NC]

Well... I can answer that. I'm the authority and they aren't. If I want my house quiet at 9:00 at night, then that's how it gets to be. And when the 16yo has their house, well, they may choose to stay up as late as they'd like.

 

Unfortunately we assume that treating a teenager with respect is the same as treating them as equals. It's not true. I can RESPECT my children but that does not make them my equal.

 

Ahhh...I see. We just have very different parenting philosophies. To me, treating them with respect means having realistic expectations. I would only use my authority if they were throwing wild parties, being loud (more than making normal noise), or some other disrespectful thing.

 

I would just try to figure out a win-win situation for everyone involved - I think there have been some good ideas on this thread that would fit that.