Susan in TN Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 We moved recently into a nice neighborhood. There is a family here that we have known for many years, and their dd has been my dd's best friend since forever (they are 11yo). There is another family here with another dd ("L") of the same age and my dd loves to play with her also. OK, so "old friend" and "new friend" are friends, but they sometimes don't get along well. "old friend" is a bit of a prima dona and sometimes bossy, and "new friend" is very outspoken - especially about bossyness :glare:. I try to encourage dd to play with both of them, and include both if they are available, etc. However, sometimes it doesn't work out that both can play, and sometimes one just wants to play with dd without the other. I've noticed that "old friend" can get quite jealous over dd having fun with "new friend" and usually goes into a discussion over how long she has known dd and been best friends with her.... Dd really loves both girls and does her best to let them both know that. She works hard to repair hurt feelings, but she does feel rather trapped in the middle. 'Old friend' often pushes her way between dd and 'new friend', if that makes any sense. So, I'm sure you will recommend that I read Queen Bees and Wannabees. Any other advice? I try to encourage my dd to handle relationships in a Godly way, but this rivalry stuff is pretty new to me, and dd often comes to me for advice and comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 When my children are outside playing they have to play nicely with everyone. And I tell the other neighborhood children the same. If they invite someone over for a playdate (held inside or in our fenced backyard) then they can be more exclusive. I don't know if you want the girls to play inside or if you have a fenced yard but could your dd invite the girls for separate play-dates? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 When my children are outside playing they have to play nicely with everyone. And I tell the other neighborhood children the same. If they invite someone over for a playdate (held inside or in our fenced backyard) then they can be more exclusive. I don't know if you want the girls to play inside or if you have a fenced yard but could your dd invite the girls for separate play-dates? Actually, this is what happened today. Dd spent almost the entire weekend with 'old friend', and when asked if she could play today, dd said she had arranged a play date with 'new friend'. So once 'new friend' got here, 'old friend' called and left a message asking if dd could play. Then she called 4 more times in the next 5 minutes (no one was available to answer the phone) and then just came over. Dd felt a little uncomfortable, but invited her to play anyway. My general rule is that whoever wants to play, can play. But I'm honestly not sure what I would have done if I had been the one to answer the door today when 'old friend' came over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I would have told her "no". She knew the other friend was there and manipulated the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 When we had this problem a few years ago we instituted a 'one friend in the house at a time unless mom approves it" rule. They had to get permission from me to have more than one friend over at a time. This helped to avoid situations like this because the kid could always blame me "mom, says only one friend right now". It helped to take the pressure off of dd, and feeling torn between two friends. If she got a phone call while she had a guest over, I told the caller she would call them back later. If they continued to call, I would ask them to stop calling for the day. My kids are really allowed to answer the phone while they have company over, so that makes it easier to enforce. As far as outside play...we have always had the rule that the back yard is private and the kids can play selectively there if they wanted to. No one went in our backyard with out coming to the door first (even though there was no gate, we just trained all the kids this way) and that way I was the one who decided who got 'considered' and who didn't. If dd and one friend were playing in the yard, and someone came knocking....I felt it was an okay personality match, I would call dd to me privately and ask her if she wanted the third party to join them or not...it was her decision. I would then go back to the person at the door and say "go on around, they are waiting for you" or "I have decided it isn't a good time for more company". Some kids always got "She isn't available right now". I think it is good to teach the social skill that not all people get along, and while there are times that we need to try to accommodate many personalities, there are times, when it really is okay, to just hang with one friend. Just because we live in neighborhoods, doesn't mean we have to always be with everyone. In the street or out front, we are more inclusive. And try to go by, "everyone is allowed to join in (within reason)". We had a summer of chasing an unsupervised 4yo boy who sporadically and unprovoked, screamed at the top of his lungs away from the 7-9yo girls. And the same summer of a 13yo boy wanting to hang out with the same girls as they played girly games (his motives didn't appear too wholesome IYKWIM). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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