How do you help a kid who is really gifted in things not feel self concious?

[camibami]

My poor youngest daughter has said some things that really make me sad lately. It started last year, with some girls on her gymnastics team being very jealous and mean. As she got better and better, this extended to kids we didn't know really at meets and stuff saying things to her.

 

Now we are in Korea, and she is once again the best girl in her new class. Its all private lessons except one day of group practice, and she so, so, so wanted to make friends and be with other girls. But the girls are nice, but very vocal about pointing out that she is better than them. And maybe some girls are not so nice, I know it must be tough for them as they are older and were previously the best gymnasts. (Age is a big deal in Korea)

 

Some girls at the park next to our house have said mean things about her, too, for being good at cartwheels, running, and things little girls play. And tonight, when it was time to go to her first Taekwondo class with her dad and sister, she said that she doesn't want to be really good at Taekwondo because then more girls will be mean to her.:crying: And of course, she is really good at it, because we haven't met a sport she didn't excel at.

 

Often it comes up with neighborhood kids or friends as them showing off, saying "Oh look, I can do xyz!". And then telling her to try it, and she is much better at whatever it is. DD truly is the most self-effacing kid ever, I have never seen her her say "Oh look, I can do xyz, can you?" or anything. She is very complementary of other children's things they are doing/showing, and doesn't do them unless asked, sometimes begged, to try. I have seen her walk away from girls making fun of her for not hanging upside down on bars at the park, when I know very very well she can not only hang upside down but full flip off them, LOL.

 

WHat do I do??? I hate that she catches flack from friends and perfect strangers. She knows they are jealous, but she wishes they weren't, because she just wants kids to like her. I tell her there is nothing wrong with being good at something, and everyone has their own strengths and is good at different things. But it is starting to worry me, this seperation from other kids based on this stuff, and her own worry that being good at things=no friends. She doesn't go to school, but that is the message she is getting loud and clear.

 

Help!!! Some girls were being mean to her (older DD told me) at the park today, they were "cheerleaders" (whatever that means here) and older DD says they were mad DD did better cartwheels. They weren't even playing together, these girls were older and just started in on her. It makes DD very uncomfortable and she feels like it is somehow her "fault" mean girls don't like her. (Its boys sometimes, like with running, she is wicked fast, but usually girls)I think its her most major character flaw that she cares so, so much what others think of her, but I can't change the sort of kid she is. (This stuff is why I am so glad she is homeschooled- she would be super susceptible to peer pressure!)

 

Anyone got some sage advice?

[Kathleen in VA]

Hi Cami,

 

I'm so sorry that your daughter is having to put up with this kind of childish behavior on the part of the other girls. It's got to be pretty maddening for her. As I read your post, though, I realized that there is not much you or your daughter can do about other people's bad behavior. That's true for all of us and it's true in this case as well.

 

The only thing left for her to do is be the same sweet person she is, do her best at her sport(s) and let the chips fall. She is only responsible for her own behavior - that's all she has control over. None of us can do more than that.

 

It's a shame the other girls can't just grow up but they are still doing that and it will be a process for them. Too bad they don't see the benefit of having your daughter for a friend. It's out of your control though.

 

These are the kinds of experiences that shape character. If your daughter can learn to respond graciously to this kind of mistreatment she will become a much better adult than most. It is a tough lesson - one which a girl her age will find challenging to be sure - but she will come out on top if she remains cheerful and kind through it and sets the example.

 

I'm thinking now of two young ladies I've known in the past who, perhaps, struggled with similar problems, as I imagine all who excel at their calling have to deal with from time to time.

 

When you were living here in Stafford, did you ever read about Krystal Ball? She was a star gymnast from King George county whom I read about practically every week in the Free-Lance Star during the competition season. She won tons of medals. Just last week I read that she is now 27 years old, a young mother, and is planning on running for a seat in the House of Representatives next year. I'm sure she struggled with jealous teammates, competitors and neighborhood kids, but she seems to have gotten through it and on to bigger and better things. Her name was probably a frustrating issue as well, poor thing.

 

I had a friend, Renee Magee, when I was a swimmer in Omaha, NB many, many years ago. She was on my relay team and it was due to her that our team won all the first place trophies in the medley relay. She went on to become the only Olympic swimmer to come from Nebraska. I recently googled her name and found that she is now a District Attorney for a large city in Texas (can't remember which one right off). I actually remember feeling jealous of her myself, although I wouldn't have had the guts to ever to say anything rude to her - it never occurred to me. Anyway, I'm sure she had to deal with her share of jealous teammates, etc. and she's grown into a strong woman. I read several articles regarding her taking a stand on several controversial cases she has had to be involved in. I imagine her training as a swimmer, including dealing with jealousy, helped shape her into the strong person she is today.

 

All that to say, the only thing your daughter can do is control her responses to these unkind, immature kids. By taking the high road she will develop into a strong, mature young woman and will carry that with her long after she is no longer competing in sports.

 

This is a powerful life lesson to learn and she is actually benefiting because she is getting to learn it early on. We can only control our own behavior and we are only responsible for our own behavior. Our behavior must be based on what is right and good, not on how other people treat us. You don't have to end up in Congress or the DA's office to benefit either. This is an awesome lesson to learn in preparation for marriage and being a mom as well.

 

It's like the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Many folks spend their lives fretting and fuming over things they have absolutely no control over. If your daughter can learn now the futility of spending energy on things she cannot control she will be a happier person her whole life long.

 

Not much help as far as having to deal with those immature peers, but I think it's all you and she can do.

[Highereducation]

Oh, gosh, does this bring back memories! I won't get into it - let's just say that this problem even extended to my own family. I had a sister who literally hated me because of my singing and dancing ability.

 

I don't care what anyone says - words hurt, and they stay with you for a long, long time. When I was younger, I brushed most of it off, but as I got older, people's remarks really bothered me, to the point that it changed who I was and made me really unsure of myself. I'm only now, at 40, allowing myself to deal with some of those experiences, especially those from high school. Kids can be really mean.

 

The only advice I can offer may not be suited to your dd, but is there any way she can turn the other kids' nonsense around by offering to help? For example, if the girls at the park are ticked off because dd can cartwheel better than they can, what if she came back with something like, "Well, your cartwheel is good, too - and if you keep your legs straighter, it will be even better."

 

I know it sounds kind of lame, but years of experience have taught me that sometimes the best way to disarm those kinds of people is to take their focus off of you and put it back on them!

[klmama]

While I haven't seen any real meanness toward my dc for the things they are good at (probably because they don't compete much), they do get jealous comments from others. I have seen them handle it in different ways. My ds deflects any jealous praise from other kids by saying, "Thanks, but I'm not good at everything. I stink at __, and you are really good at that." My dd just thanks them sweetly, then changes the subject.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Of course you can't change the minds/hearts of others but sometimes a pointed "You know, I am really good at this sport. It's because God has blessed me with the ability (or I have a natural ability) and because I work really hard. But what's more important than my athletic ability is knowing that what's inside of me is what is especially important." Now I wouldn't take the time to talk like that to random strangers but someone I was around all the time - I just might. And then I would hope that at least one of them would think it through and come to their senses.

[camibami]

There is no higher level- its a group excercise, this is rhythmic gymnastics. In Korea, they are divided based on age, not ability, so she is with these girls (they actually really need her, their 5th girl left and they had no other girl the right age).The other days of the week she is alone with her coach, so she really wants to make friends with these group routine girls. They all do a routine together, its tough to explain. Its on the Olympics for about 20 minutes every 4 years, otherwise no one has heard of it, LOL!

 

At her old gym (US), there were many higher level girls, but DD was best in her level and in our region, not just for her age either. It kind of stunk, it can be a lot of pressure, some I am not sure a kid who is 6-7 whould be dealing with. She did tank her floor routine at Junior Olympics, so she isn't best in the country, only like 14th or something.

 

Mostly, it makes me sad how she views *herself*. She is self concious and upset that these things bother other people. I can't control *them*, but I need to find a way to give her better tools to deal with it. My oldest has wonderful self-esteem, and is very much a "march to the beat of your own drummer" kind of girl. My youngest is so influenced and affected by what others think, it makes me sad that she worries about it so much. Of course the mean kids DO make me mad, but I can't really change that. I am hoping to change her outlook, I guess. She is uncomfortable being different, at all, and having it pointed out, even positively, actually. It worries me!

[myfunnybunch]

Oh poor sweet. :grouphug:

 

In your situation I think I'd focus on trying to find just one girl (or boy) with whom dd can form a friendship. One good solid friendship will build her confidence. Children behave much differently individually than in packs, and it's easy to generalize the nasty behavior of a few to the whole group, especially for a sensitive child. I'd coach her to start looking for those children who are not participating in the behavior and trying to form relationships with them. If she's able to let the nasty words roll off her back, those other children will be drawn to her strength and sweetness.

 

I absolutely trust your perception of your dd and her sweetness. She sounds like an amazing person, along with being an amazing athlete. It sounds like she handles the situations very well and so do you. She's got encouragement and support within her family, which is most important. And I wonder if children may be perceiving your sweet sensitive dd's self-effacement and sensitivity as stand-offishness. With children a genuine smile and an enthusiastic "I love cartwheels!" (and a cartwheel) might go further than reluctance, especially if it's followed by an invitation to play on the swings or play tag or for the other children to teach her a Korean game, or whatever activity might be appropriate for that setting. Bring the focus back to them and to finding some common ground.

 

I'd stop focusing on jealousy as a possible cause for this behavior. I know it's probably true, but the problem is all theirs. Children who behave that way have no manners. Period. The real problem is not her talent, and their lack of manners is in no way connected to her abilities. It will take her focus off her gifts as the reason for their behavior.

 

And I agree with the other posters who said that all you can really do is teach her to appreciate her God-given talents. Encourage and support her and keep leading her to have a kind and tender heart.

 

Cat

[katilac]

I think this has less to do with the fact that your dd is talented, and more to do with the fact that kids are often mean little buggers.

 

Kids are mean to the smartest kid in class. They're also mean to the dumbest kid in class, and most of the others in between at one point or another.

 

I would stress that, all through life, people are sometimes going to be mean or negative no matter what you do. Help her to see that if her talent didn't exist, the mean kids would simply pick something different to be mean about. Those girls in the park who were ugly about her talent will be just as quick to be ugly to the girl who can't turn a cartwheel, or who is wearing outdated clothes while doing so.

 

I tell my kids very honestly that it's hard to find true friends; there are seasons of life when it just doesn't happen. All we can do is stay true to ourselves.

 

The other important thing to teach her? Mean people suck.