Those of you who want more kids but can't, how do you deal with the pain?

[plain jane]

I would really like to know how you all do it. For those of you out there whose heart desperately yearns for another child but for one reason or another, are unable to, what gets you through it all? How do you face each day with gladness and peace in your heart when it filled with such an unquenchable longing?

 

I've heard so much of "advice" from others who have NOT BTDT: just be thankful for the kids you already have, atleast you already have children; you've got enough, you really don't need anyore; you're so lucky you don't have X number of children all one after the other, must be nice to not be pregnant or nursing all the time.:glare: No, actually, it's not. I'm pretty done with peoples' comments who just have no clue of the sorrow people who want to have more kids go through. If they have nothing nice to say, can't they just say nothing at all? ;)

 

For the last several months, I've had a real emptiness in my heart. A deep void that I know only a child can fill. But how do I fill that void when another pregnancy isn't likely?? I don't want to give up hope, but at the same time, that hope is exactly the thing that causes my heart to hurt even more.

 

I'm incredibly thankful for the kids I already have, don't get me wrong there. I pour my whole heart and soul into these little ones as they are everything to me. Still I feel like there's a void in my life left by the little ones I've lost and the kids that I long to have.

 

I know I'm not alone in this and would like to hear how others have dealt with this sort of pain. How do you keep your heart from breaking when your best friend tells you she's pregnant with her 7th (and it's said with a sigh of why does it have to be so?) or when your kids ask you for a new baby brother or sister, or when everywhere you go all you see are pregnant women or babies?? How do you keep the jealousy from creeping up everytime someone you know is pregnant again, even though you really want to be happy for them but inside it makes you cry all the more. And how do you keep your composure each day as you watch your children grow, knowing that you may never again get to experience that special milestone- that first word, those first steps, riding their first bike, those wonderful baby smells and gurgling coos.

 

I want to know how you all carry on when the burden seems so impossibly heavy.

Edited July 1, 2009 by plain jane

[swellmomma]

:grouphug: I have no sage words of wisdom. I am still coming to terms with the thought that Isabelle is my last. I want desperately to have more children, but do not think it is in the cards for me. She is only 21 months, but I have the yearning to be planning for the next, but the heaviness that comes with the thoughts that there will not be a next.

[Lolly]

You cry. Then, you cry some more when you see that friend. Then, you actually find yourself plotting to kidnap that baby that you see who appears to be neglected at the grocery store. (But don't go through with it.) Then, you cry some more. Later, when you are home alone, you cry again. You get mad at the world and possibly try to adopt only to find that adoption is really not very realistic. There basically is no such thing unless you are able/willing to take a special needs or older child or go through the foster system which has its own set of heartaches and problems. Then, you try foreign adoption only to have it fall through at the very last minute. Another baby lost to you. Then, hopefully at some point you wind up pregnant and shortly thereafter (but not too shortly) find yourself with a baby in your arms. Or, time passes and that pain gradually lessens. You start looking forward to having grand-babies to hold and cuddle. Seems strange, but true.

 

I hope you find peace. You just take it day by day. You hold your head up and love the ones who are with you. Why? That really is all you can do.

[helena]

Sometimes I go back and do the math of when I was still healthy and could have had more children. Why did I waste those precious opportunities? ugh

I'm looking above my bed right now where I have posted my next few ovulation dates. I put stars next to the most fertile days. The truth is a pregnancy is way to risky for me. Once in a while I have to announce to my husband that I'm ready to try, I talk about it, think about it, I live in that reality for a day or two. Then I sober up. It's like purging. I have a good cry and realize my whole life has been.....changed.. it can never go back to old dreams. It's over. I get back on the horse, I get grateful real quick to be alive, that I'm a mother, a wife. I try to replace that cheated feeling with gratefulness and awe, observation, living. I don't want to die and find out that I acted like a spoiled brat. That somehow what I had wasn't good enough. It is enough.

I deal with it by indulging in the thoughts once in a while, but then I don't stay to long. It's a dangerous place for me to get dark and sad.

I do the same thing with the sun. I'm not supposed to go in the sun anymore. So what I do is time it, Perfect sun position, the vibe outside, a certain kind of quite, I go outside and be in it. I have a euphoric experience of memories and thoughts of how the sun once defined me, I feel the sun on my skin and have no fear. Then I get the heck out of there because that thing could mess me up.

 

I also keep hoping someone will leave a baby on my doorstep, I always think about this movie where the woman is jogging and finds a baby in the bushes, in the end she gets to keep it. IF ONLY!!! I have so much more love to give.

I've also just adopted another kitten.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Jane,

 

I think it's important to acknowledge your feelings. You seem to want to not have them. THAT is probably not reasonable. It probably will be less overwhelming if you allow yourself to work through the grief on a big level and then simply acknowledge the puffs that come up in daily life. The first 5 years, the pain was so constant and pervasive and deep and ugly. The next few years weren't SO bad, but certainly weren't good. The past 5 years have been so much better since I learned to allow myself to have the feelings. I still have times, but it's much better.

 

I wish none of us had to go through this. I do think it can open other doors for us though. If we can deal with our feelings about the situation, I think it'll make it easier for us to take hold of those other opportunities to touch the lives of children.

[Peela]

Its been a biggy for me. Still is some days. Dh is compassionate but firm in his resolve.

I have learned not to "feed" the longing with allowing myself to think about it excessively. I allow it to be there, sometimes I give it some attention, sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about having more kids (actually, I do that a lot). Mostly, I recognize its unhealthy for me to keep putting attention there over and over. It simply makes me more unhappy than the natural longing does. Yes, it hurts that my SIL just let me know she is pregnant with no 6.

But, I think that the peace that you are looking for is in acceptance. Just like someone who loses a limb, their eyesight, or when we have to face growing old.....peace comes from accepting this is the way it is, and its actually ok even though its hard. I dont say that lightly, but more from my own experience of- well, what is the choice? Accept and find some peace with it - or not accept?

I realised I was feeding the desire because I felt there was some hope and thinking about it a lot might somehow manifest what I want. But all I was feeding was my own unhappiness.

[Happy]

I think you choose.

 

Choose not to dwell on what you can't have.

Choose to deal with reality, not 'I wishes...'

 

There was a pretty poor Disney-type movie out when my oldest was a child. In the story, three teenagers flee a massacre of a village in Africa. As they flee, one of the teens constantly turns around to look back the way they've come...back toward the burning ruined village. After several days, finally, the other two teens turn the boy back around, point away from the village, and say here is the future. You can't go back. Your future is that way.

 

I've often taken a moment in my life to tell myself...my future is that way, not back that way.

 

I do the same thing when I see anything I'd like to have in my life. A house, a car, a way of life. I choose not to drool over what we can't afford in our lives. I focus hard on what we do have. A relative of mine lost a leg to diabetes this year. He can't go back, but he can move forward. I'm so thankful he is moving forward...walking on an artificial leg now.

 

I've never been pregnant. Our sons came to us through adoption. Even after nearly 25 years, it still hurts that we couldn't have biological children....but I acknowledge the hurt and move on.

 

As far as what other people say to you....maybe those statements are what they hang their choices on. Maybe those messages are how they've dealt with their pain.

 

Just some random thoughts...it is not easy to cope with this kind of hurt. You have my sympathies.

[Kathy in MD]

First off, do you want to be pregnant or do you want more children? Think outside the box. There is more than one way to enlarge your family. Try for adoption or foster care with the possibility of permanent placement. Or even just temporary foster care of infants and babies.

 

If that's not possible, then I suggest you follow Peela's advice. It's not healthy for you or your family for you to do nothing but dwell and morn not having more children. Can you imagine what it would be like to grow up with the feeling that you're not enough for your mother. Why isn't my (our) love enough?

 

If adoption/foster care isn't possible, do take a *short* time to to morn, then accept reality. You may need to develop interests that DON'T involve children to help redirect your thoughts.

 

And yes, on occasion I still wish we had been able to adopt another child, but it didn't happen. But it's mostly because of my 15 yo ds that I wish that we had another child now. My life is full and happy.

[T Baer]

I would really like to know how you all do it. For those of you out there whose heart desperately yearns for another child but for one reason or another, are unable to, what gets you through it all? How do you face each day with gladness and peace in your heart when it filled with such an unquenchable longing?

 

I've heard so much of "advice" from others who have NOT BTDT: just be thankful for the kids you already have, atleast you already have children; you've got enough, you really don't need anyore; you're so lucky you don't have X number of children all one after the other, must be nice to not be pregnant or nursing all the time.:glare: No, actually, it's not. I'm pretty done with peoples' comments who just have no clue of the sorrow people who want to have more kids go through. If they have nothing nice to say, can't they just say nothing at all? ;)

 

For the last several months, I've had a real emptiness in my heart. A deep void that I know only a child can fill. But how do I fill that void when another pregnancy isn't likely?? I don't want to give up hope, but at the same time, that hope is exactly the thing that causes my heart to hurt even more.

 

I'm incredibly thankful for the kids I already have, don't get me wrong there. I pour my whole heart and soul into these little ones as they are everything to me. Still I feel like there's a void in my life left by the little ones I've lost and the kids that I long to have.

 

I know I'm not alone in this and would like to hear how others have dealt with this sort of pain. How do you keep your heart from breaking when your best friend tells you she's pregnant with her 7th (and it's said with a sigh of why does it have to be so?) or when your kids ask you for a new baby brother or sister, or when everywhere you go all you see are pregnant women or babies?? How do you keep the jealousy from creeping up everytime someone you know is pregnant again, even though you really want to be happy for them but inside it makes you cry all the more. And how do you keep your composure each day as you watch your children grow, knowing that you may never again get to experience that special milestone- that first word, those first steps, riding their first bike, those wonderful baby smells and gurgling coos.

 

I want to know how you all carry on when the burden seems so impossibly heavy.

 

peoples kids. I have relationships with several families and I am linked closed the kids of all ages. I also help out in the nursery, children's church, taught high school so I can be in touch with the teens, hosted an exchange student. I am thankful for having my one, but know that I have love for more and so use that energy by moving even in the pain.

My prayers are with you! Let the emptiness move you and not keep you closed in hurt or anger.

[Sharon in SC]

I would really like to know how you all do it. For those of you out there whose heart desperately yearns for another child but for one reason or another, are unable to, what gets you through it all? How do you face each day with gladness and peace in your heart when it filled with such an unquenchable longing?

 

I've heard so much of "advice" from others who have NOT BTDT: just be thankful for the kids you already have, atleast you already have children; you've got enough, you really don't need anyore; you're so lucky you don't have X number of children all one after the other, must be nice to not be pregnant or nursing all the time.:glare: No, actually, it's not. I'm pretty done with peoples' comments who just have no clue of the sorrow people who want to have more kids go through. If they have nothing nice to say, can't they just say nothing at all? ;)

 

For the last several months, I've had a real emptiness in my heart. A deep void that I know only a child can fill. But how do I fill that void when another pregnancy isn't likely?? I don't want to give up hope, but at the same time, that hope is exactly the thing that causes my heart to hurt even more.

 

I'm incredibly thankful for the kids I already have, don't get me wrong there. I pour my whole heart and soul into these little ones as they are everything to me. Still I feel like there's a void in my life left by the little ones I've lost and the kids that I long to have.

 

I know I'm not alone in this and would like to hear how others have dealt with this sort of pain. How do you keep your heart from breaking when your best friend tells you she's pregnant with her 7th (and it's said with a sigh of why does it have to be so?) or when your kids ask you for a new baby brother or sister, or when everywhere you go all you see are pregnant women or babies?? How do you keep the jealousy from creeping up everytime someone you know is pregnant again, even though you really want to be happy for them but inside it makes you cry all the more. And how do you keep your composure each day as you watch your children grow, knowing that you may never again get to experience that special milestone- that first word, those first steps, riding their first bike, those wonderful baby smells and gurgling coos.

 

I want to know how you all carry on when the burden seems so impossibly heavy.

 

In short - One December morning several years ago now (as I was struggling horribly with the desire for more with little to no reason to think I would ever have any more), I took to heart the "Word for the day" that read, "He will grant you according to your heart's desire and fulfill all your purpose." (emphasis mine)

 

It was the last part that was key to me. It was in that moment that I realized that whether I was meant to mother 2 children or 20, I would do just that - what I was *called* to do. Because of this epiphany, I've been able to not look back since.

 

Trusting for peace on your behalf,

sharon

[Carrie12345]

I bottle it up for now. :001_unsure:

We're still not 100% sure that we'll never have any more children (by one means or another), but it's a definite 'no' for now and a 'highly unlikely' after that. The uncertainty keeps me from truly being able to make peace with the situation.

 

I just do my best to channel that energy into my family. I know it's cliche and not all that helpful but, really, what else is there to do?

:grouphug:

[MamaT]

We weren't supposed to be able to have more after our third son. I desperately wanted more children. We decided to adopt. We went through an adoption attorney instead of an agency. We found that if you do not care what color baby you get, it is not hard. We got our first daughter 10 days after we called the attorney's office. We didn't even have a home study and had a social worker in our house 24/7 to be able to bring her home from the hospital. Our second daughter we got in three months. Both of them were newborns that came to us directly from the hospital. It can happen. There are lots of children of color that go straight from the hospital into foster care because there are not people willing to take them.

 

We were very surprised when our fourth son came along right in between these two girls. I went from yearning for a baby to having three all in 28 months.

 

I know the feelings you are having. I would say exhaust all options, then if you are still childless, the ladies who posted before me gave you some wonderful advice.

[asta]

I look at my son.

 

I hug him (hard) at least twice a day. I don't let him go to sleep without us giving him a love and telling him how glad we are to have him as our son. I try my very best to raise him into the best human he can be.

 

It has taken many years to get to the point of "this is my purpose, this is how things are supposed to be." (like Sharon said)

 

Fourteen years.

 

Someone once said to me "you never really get over someone; time passes and you move on." They were talking about a partner, and at the time, I thought it trite, but now, I think they were right. And that it applies to babies as well.

 

 

a

[Melinda]

Well, for us....

We always planned to have 5 bio kids and adopt 2 later on (both from the same country). So we would have ended up with 7 altogether, at least.

 

After my second baby, I started developing huge blood clots and got tested for everything under the sun. It turned out I have some genetic issues that make me predisposed to clotting (I clot too easily, that is really all the mutations do).

 

I felt very strongly that I wanted at least one more, and went against medical advice to have Nathan. During my entire pregnancy with him, I had to take blood-thinning shots with a *big* needle in my abdomen twice a day, and had OB or perinatologist appointments every week. Yet, I still wanted this baby badly enough to do it -- and I would do it again, if I could).

 

When I was induced (it had to be a very calculated/planned labor because of the blood-thinners and amount of people - hematologist, NICU team, cardiologist, etc - needed to stand by) I had a super easy labor and delivery, which made me want more even more. At one point though, my BP slowed to 44/32, which was very scary for my husband to witness.

 

Anyway, baby was perfect, I had no complications beyond the low BP thing, and we didnb't need the NICU or any of the special teams we had there. It is very frustrating to feel like I am tempting fate if we have another.

 

All this to say, we are done having children because my husband is not willing to have our existing children grow up without their mom needlessly. I still want more and think about it often, but I have become resigned to the fact that we are, sadly, done at 3. I am positive we would not be approved for adoption because of the state of my health, so we are really and truly done.

 

I deal with this sadness every day, but not in a way my children even know I want to have more so badly. When they tell me they think we should have twenty more kids (10 sisters and 10 brothers to play with them, of course :) ) we talk about how crazy our house would be and how we wouldn't all fit into the house.

 

-If you want to be pregnant again and your health would support that pregnancy, but either don't want another child or can't afford one, maybe look into surrogacy?

 

-If you want more children and your health and financial state do not preclude you from being approved, maybe adoption is the way to go.

 

-If you want more children and have your health but not so much money, what about foster care?

 

-If health or infertility is the issue, I have no idea how to fix that one. I tend to go visit a lot when friends have their babies and I immerse myself in hobbies as a distraction.

 

Whatever is keeping you from having a family as large as you would like to, I am so so sorry. This has been very difficult for us and I know it is tough for most people (if not all) who go through it.

 

I am sorry. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Night Elf]

One day at a time. It's been 8 years since my DH decided against having more children. Our youngest is now 11 years old. Honestly, I still cry sometimes because I really miss having young ones in the house. As my youngest dd started middle school this year, I was really affected because I feel like all the fun part of homeschooling is over. All of my kids are learning things that are a challenge to me and that takes the fun out of homeschooling for me.

 

Over the years, I've tried not to harbor jealousy against other pregnant women. I am happy for them that they are able to have more children even if I can't. I just think they are focusing on those childbearing years just like I was able to between 1992 and 1998. My turn is over. It's fact and it's been difficult to accept.

 

I worked in a daycare recently with one-year olds. I LOVED working with those babies. It gave my life a new purpose and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I want to go back to work again but my DH is skeptical with all the other responsibilities I have.

 

One of the things I heard repeatedly was to get out and find a new hobby. I should find something I can immerse myself into so I would forget my longing. Well, it didn't work for me at all. I tried a series of things included TaeKwonDo. On the day I earned my Black Belt, I told my DH that the whole experience was okay but that I'd trade it all in for another baby. It's the one subject we have agreed to never discuss anymore.

 

:grouphug: It's not easy, that's for sure. But I've found that time has lessened the hurt and that's all I can truly expect.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Tarheel Heather]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Lots of hugs and prayer. We love you!

[mollies73]

One day at a time. It's been 8 years since my DH decided against having more children. Our youngest is now 11 years old. Honestly, I still cry sometimes because I really miss having young ones in the house.

 

My turn is over. It's fact and it's been difficult to accept.

 

One of the things I heard repeatedly was to get out and find a new hobby. I should find something I can immerse myself into so I would forget my longing. Well, it didn't work for me at all. I tried a series of things included TaeKwonDo. On the day I earned my Black Belt, I told my DH that the whole experience was okay but that I'd trade it all in for another baby. It's the one subject we have agreed to never discuss anymore.

 

:grouphug: It's not easy, that's for sure. But I've found that time has lessened the hurt and that's all I can truly expect.

:iagree:This is where I am. My husband refuses to have anymore children, and guilted me into having my tubes tied. It's taken me a long time to forgive him for that. I just feel like it was the wrong thing to do. I do pray that God allows me to be that 3% who get pregnant after the surgery. I guess that's as far as I can go at this point. I can't quite think beyond that hope.

[rockermom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mom4him]

I would really like to know how you all do it. For those of you out there whose heart desperately yearns for another child but for one reason or another, are unable to, what gets you through it all? How do you face each day with gladness and peace in your heart when it filled with such an unquenchable longing?

 

I've heard so much of "advice" from others who have NOT BTDT: just be thankful for the kids you already have, atleast you already have children; you've got enough, you really don't need anyore; you're so lucky you don't have X number of children all one after the other, must be nice to not be pregnant or nursing all the time.:glare: No, actually, it's not. I'm pretty done with peoples' comments who just have no clue of the sorrow people who want to have more kids go through. If they have nothing nice to say, can't they just say nothing at all? ;)

 

For the last several months, I've had a real emptiness in my heart. A deep void that I know only a child can fill. But how do I fill that void when another pregnancy isn't likely?? I don't want to give up hope, but at the same time, that hope is exactly the thing that causes my heart to hurt even more.

 

I'm incredibly thankful for the kids I already have, don't get me wrong there. I pour my whole heart and soul into these little ones as they are everything to me. Still I feel like there's a void in my life left by the little ones I've lost and the kids that I long to have.

 

I know I'm not alone in this and would like to hear how others have dealt with this sort of pain. How do you keep your heart from breaking when your best friend tells you she's pregnant with her 7th (and it's said with a sigh of why does it have to be so?) or when your kids ask you for a new baby brother or sister, or when everywhere you go all you see are pregnant women or babies?? How do you keep the jealousy from creeping up everytime someone you know is pregnant again, even though you really want to be happy for them but inside it makes you cry all the more. And how do you keep your composure each day as you watch your children grow, knowing that you may never again get to experience that special milestone- that first word, those first steps, riding their first bike, those wonderful baby smells and gurgling coos.

 

I want to know how you all carry on when the burden seems so impossibly heavy.

Well, I felt from the beginning that we were going to have 6 children. We had 3 and I was told to never get pg again. I guess I accepted it as that was it. Nothing I could do about it.

Fast forward just a few years. My three are grown, I have baby sat and helped raise other peoples children(almost always had a baby in my arms) and I have a great niece come live with us who is pg. She lives with us for 2 1/2 yrs, she works, I care for her baby boy and teach her a little about what being a momma is. They leave and I feel like someone has ripped my heart out.

We start doing foster care and I KNOW that we will end up adopting. By this time I am in my 50's and my dh is in is 60's but we move on. We end up with the two that we have now and no it doesn't make 6 but I tell people that our little boy is more than two most days. ;)

I made it a point to always rejoice with others that were going to have a baby and to encourage them that children are a blessing from the Lord. I loved on other peoples babies every chance I got. Guard your heart from the bitterness. If you are to have more babies you will have them. Trust God in it. I really never dreamed that I would be the momma to a 6 mo and 18 mo at 52 but I was. I am now 60, have an 8 1/2 yr old and 9 1/2 yr old and am amazed at how God works.

[Zebra]

I think you choose.

 

Choose not to dwell on what you can't have.

Choose to deal with reality, not 'I wishes...'

 

Just some random thoughts...it is not easy to cope with this kind of hurt. You have my sympathies.

 

I totally agree that it's a choice...a choice that has to be made over and over and over again. I think it's unrealistic to think you'll ever completely get over it, but how you deal with it when the strong feelings come up is the important thing.

 

I have one child, and I had to go through an actual grieving process about not having any more. When feelings crop up I think about my one wonderful child, and my sister who can't have any. I also try to remind myself that God called me to have one child, and that this is the right path for me. But it's not always automatic, I do have to talk myself through it sometimes. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Evergreen Academy]

:grouphug: Everyone's situation is different, this I know. But for us, this is what happened. We had three biological children and I was happily pregnant with our fourth, feeling baby kick, looking forward. Then at 20 weeks, he stopped moving. Dr. visit confirmed, he had died. We were left with enormous grief and a baby-shaped hole in our hearts. People told us we would get pregnant again soon and I knew - somehow we both just knew - we would not. We had discussed adoption and now we felt we had a child somewhere in the world, we just had to find him. What we didn't know is that eventually we would bring home three children (one at a time) who were waiting for us due to medical needs. Our lives have been incredibly, richly blessed because of these sons and we are so thankful.

 

I would still love to parent more children and even now I have to remind myself to be thankful for whatever God has planned for us - that I am where I am meant to be right now. Easier now that I don't have that baby shaped hole...and I am thankful to the little one we lost, who opened the door for our others to join our family.

 

Not everyone feels called to adoption, but that is how we passed through the pain and found the children meant to be ours.

Blessings,

Aimee

mom to 6 great kids ages 6-18, schooling grades 1, 3, 3 and 6

[mrsrevmeg]

For me, baby-sitting my niece is enough to squash that desire!!! :tongue_smilie: But, sometimes, I do get that longing. The longing for someone tiny who smells like baby powder. I am thinking that my husband and I will probably adopt someday. We do not have a big enough house to have more children right now. I am hoping that in just a few years we can move and then start keeping foster children, and then go from there. Wishing I could give you comfort....

[at the beach]

:grouphug: What has helped me is this: I remind myself that by focusing too much on this yearning for more babies, I lose out on the present moment with the children I do have. By not being content, I end up missing out on what is. If I am consumed by yearning for more children, it somehow lessens my joy in the present with the children I have. When I had one and wanted just one more but thought it would not happen, I felt so blessed when we did get pregnant. It truly was a miracle. Then, we had another after that and I felt incredible joy at how things had turned out. But later, I still yearned for more. It didn't happen, and I felt such grief. I've finally realized I just need to be thankful for what is and remember how blessed I already am. Does it still hurt at times? Certainly, but I try not to let myself dwell on it. I've also decided that someday I will look into foster care. There are so many children who need someone to care for them and about them.

 

I hope you find peace.

[TammyinTN]

For us..I physically can't have anymore children. Having Ron II 11 years ago was an absolute miracle. But, my dh and I talked about adoption before he left for deployment. So, that where were thinking of going if it's Gods will. We are going to be debt free and have the money saved to do an adoption by the time he gets home. So, we will see how it goes. I completely understand your desire for more...:grouphug:

[Lisa in Jax]

Our first child was very ill at birth (Group B Strep infection), and I was too scared to try again. By the time I was emotionally ready to try again (5 years later), both dh and I had issues with fertility.

 

After we did all the medical stuff and still didn't have another child, we adopted. Unfortunately, adopting didn't make the ache go away.

 

The only thing that has made the ache get better has been time. At first, it was really rough. As time passed, it slowly got better until I no longer hoped for another child. In fact, I'm starting to look forward to the new phase in my life (in a few years) when both kids are out of school and on their own. The whole process (from moment-to-moment ache to acceptance and happiness with my family as it is) took about five years.

 

I think you need to allow yourself to grieve the loss of control, the loss of the imagined child(ren) and the loss of the dream family. Let yourself feel all of the stages of grief.

 

Coming to terms with infertility takes time. Allow yourself that time. Limit interaction with people who are pg for a while if you need to. Don't beat yourself up if you need to get really sad and angry before you can move on.

 

I wish I had a better answer than, "It'll get better eventually," but I don't.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

mom of Kaley 16-bio and Danny 10-India

[Gretchen in NJ]

:grouphug::grouphug:Oh Jane.:grouphug::grouphug:Many prayers and hugs for you.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

What is your faith telling you?

[stephanie]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

We love you, Jane.

 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring you a HOPE and a future.:grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

.

Edited July 6, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Ravin]

I just remind myself life is unpredictable, and sometimes blessings come when you least expect them. That I have a baby foster brother who my mom and stepdad are probably going to adopt, who is 30 years younger than me, is a good reminder of that. Ten years ago I'd have told you there was no way I'd ever have more siblings. Seven years ago, I couldn't have told you if I'd still have a mom now, because she was fighting breast cancer.

 

It may seem like it'll never happen, but I don't know what life is going to bring me in five or ten years, or even next year.

[Ginevra]

Jane, I don't know how to get through it, but I am right there with ya'. For the last 4 years, I still had a hope that something would happen and we would get to have at least one more child through *some* kind of way. But on New Year's Eve, 2008, dh pretty much ironed it into my brain that we are not having any more kids. It ain't happening, no how, no way, at least not any way that requires his help and consent. No more complicated, dangerous pregnancies, no adoption, no foster care, no nothing. He offered to get me a puppy. :glare:

 

I am sad about it at some point every day. I cry about it at least every week; I'm crying about it right this minute! I have tears in my eyes at every church service. I count people's children. I am sorry for my wasted 20's, when having more children may have been so much easier. I resent God for bringing me to want something and then turning right around and making it impossible for me to have. I cannot cling to a vague hope for a miracle; it just drags out my lack of acceptance. There are no people IRL I can share this with and yes, I constantly hear other people saying how great it is to be done with all that. I am so not on that page. I just about had a nervous breakdown when ds turned 4 because that is so old! :001_huh:

 

All I can do, as other people said, is put my all into the three kids I have to raise. I do try to appreciate the benefits of things I can do that wouldn't work if we had another little one or two. But I do think this is like trying to fill up a seive with sand; it all runs out eventually.

 

In the book The Middle Place, Kelly Corrigan talks about how she wanted to have four, but breast cancer changed the possibilities of that. She said she hates when people say, "You have two beautiful children." It is like saying, "You have 9 lovely fingers," when you have lost a thumb. I totally agree with her on that score. If you have one, two, three, or whatever less than you imagined, you suffer grief for that loss, however much you love and cherish the one, two, three, etc. that you do have.

[Kathy in MD]

...... I am positive we would not be approved for adoption because of the state of my health, so we are really and truly done.......

 

 

 

Have you checked with various agencies or adoption attorneys? You might be surprised. We adopted after I had breast cancer and it was obvious that I had a genetic predisposition towards cancer (chance for additional to occur). We started the process and had 2 children assigned to us before 5 years were up. (The first fell through).

[Impish]

Its hard. Very hard.

 

Before May 20, 2008, Wolf and I had The Plan. I was enrolling in anatomy and physiology that summer, the prereq for the LPN course. Complete that, and straight into LPN via online delivery. Have that done in under 3 yrs, since it was a 3 yr deadline. Work for a year to pay back scholarship (if I'd gotten one) and get pregnant with our last child. Purchase acreage while on maternity leave. Home for a year, since thats what maternity leave is here, then back on evenings to facilitate homeschooling, work on RN bridging part time distance. It was a five year plan, and it was good. Future included fostering/adopting.

 

Then I was assaulted by a resident, developed RSD/CRPS in my right (dominant) arm, shoulder to finger tips. Have severe chronic pain, and minimal use of arm/hand. On narcotics. Wolf won't consider for a moment another child, because as he points out, how would I even pick up a baby? Not to mention, I'd have to be off all the drugs I'm on, which means what little pain relief I *do* get would be out the window, and what kind of hell would I be in then? Chances are, we couldn't get approved for adopting or fostering either with severe chronic pain and narcotic use either.

 

I cry. RSD robbed me of my future. I cry a lot.

[rockermom]

I'm so glad to see all of these posts of support. I hope that you find peace in whatever may come, Plain Jane.

[Gretchen in NJ]

I'm so glad to see all of these posts of support. I hope that you find peace in whatever may come, Plain Jane.

 

I must second RockerMom's sentiments. :grouphug:Jane:grouphug:

[H.S. Burrow]

I would really like to know how you all do it. For those of you out there whose heart desperately yearns for another child but for one reason or another, are unable to, what gets you through it all? How do you face each day with gladness and peace in your heart when it filled with such an unquenchable longing?

 

I've heard so much of "advice" from others who have NOT BTDT: just be thankful for the kids you already have, atleast you already have children; you've got enough, you really don't need anyore; you're so lucky you don't have X number of children all one after the other, must be nice to not be pregnant or nursing all the time.:glare: No, actually, it's not. I'm pretty done with peoples' comments who just have no clue of the sorrow people who want to have more kids go through. If they have nothing nice to say, can't they just say nothing at all? ;)

 

For the last several months, I've had a real emptiness in my heart. A deep void that I know only a child can fill. But how do I fill that void when another pregnancy isn't likely?? I don't want to give up hope, but at the same time, that hope is exactly the thing that causes my heart to hurt even more.

 

I'm incredibly thankful for the kids I already have, don't get me wrong there. I pour my whole heart and soul into these little ones as they are everything to me. Still I feel like there's a void in my life left by the little ones I've lost and the kids that I long to have.

 

I know I'm not alone in this and would like to hear how others have dealt with this sort of pain. How do you keep your heart from breaking when your best friend tells you she's pregnant with her 7th (and it's said with a sigh of why does it have to be so?) or when your kids ask you for a new baby brother or sister, or when everywhere you go all you see are pregnant women or babies?? How do you keep the jealousy from creeping up everytime someone you know is pregnant again, even though you really want to be happy for them but inside it makes you cry all the more. And how do you keep your composure each day as you watch your children grow, knowing that you may never again get to experience that special milestone- that first word, those first steps, riding their first bike, those wonderful baby smells and gurgling coos.

 

I want to know how you all carry on when the burden seems so impossibly heavy.

 

:grouphug:

[Erica in PA]

I think the thing that has helped me is to realize that the role of mothering young children isn't meant to last a lifetime. It's for a season only, just as being a child is for a season only. Sometimes I think we moms love our children and our lives as mothers of young children so much that we want that period to last longer than it does.. but it's the plan and purpose of humans to grow up into adults, and that naturally and rightfully puts us out of that job. My advice is to enjoy your young children while you have them, but remember that it's for a short time and that it's not your entire identity. It may well be the most special time in your life, but it is only one portion of your life.

 

From a Christian perspective, I know that I will have every child that God has planned for me to have, which gives me peace and keeps me from longing for what I don't have.

[Orthodox6]

I'm too old to hope for more children (54). The closest that I can come to understanding the original question is the "how to deal with" loss of a child before its birth. The first week of July always shall be the anniversary of the loss (before birth) and burial of my fifth child in 2000. I cry every year, and grieve for Anastasia at this time. Then I pull together and remember that, should God so grant, I shall see her after my death. I did not marry until turning 29, so am grateful that I had the four who are with us.

[jplain]

:grouphug:

 

I feel for you so much. Cry as much as you need to. Find sympathetic ears, or continue to pour it out here.

 

I gave it time, and it did lessen. Around ovulation my heart still aches, but the rest of the time I'm okay. I try to focus on the positives of sticking with just two kids, and that helps too. I remind myself that I'm taking care of my husband and our marriage by not trying to force him to go beyond his comfort level.

[MicheleinMN]

Its been a biggy for me. Still is some days. Dh is compassionate but firm in his resolve.

I have learned not to "feed" the longing with allowing myself to think about it excessively. I allow it to be there, sometimes I give it some attention, sometimes I catch myself fantasizing about having more kids (actually, I do that a lot). Mostly, I recognize its unhealthy for me to keep putting attention there over and over. It simply makes me more unhappy than the natural longing does. Yes, it hurts that my SIL just let me know she is pregnant with no 6.

But, I think that the peace that you are looking for is in acceptance. Just like someone who loses a limb, their eyesight, or when we have to face growing old.....peace comes from accepting this is the way it is, and its actually ok even though its hard. I dont say that lightly, but more from my own experience of- well, what is the choice? Accept and find some peace with it - or not accept?

I realised I was feeding the desire because I felt there was some hope and thinking about it a lot might somehow manifest what I want. But all I was feeding was my own unhappiness.

 

I too had to stop *feeding my own unhappiness.* Does the longing/heartbreak ever go ALL the way away? Not yet, but it doesn't hurt me like it used to hurt either.

 

(It did do a fair amount of damage to my marriage before I started recovering from it.)

 

Sorry you are hurting.

[helena]

This is where I find my peace. Well said Erica.

 

 

I think the thing that has helped me is to realize that the role of mothering young children isn't meant to last a lifetime. It's for a season only, just as being a child is for a season only. Sometimes I think we moms love our children and our lives as mothers of young children so much that we want that period to last longer than it does.. but it's the plan and purpose of humans to grow up into adults, and that naturally and rightfully puts us out of that job. My advice is to enjoy your young children while you have them, but remember that it's for a short time and that it's not your entire identity. It may well be the most special time in your life, but it is only one portion of your life.

 

From a Christian perspective, I know that I will have every child that God has planned for me to have, which gives me peace and keeps me from longing for what I don't have.

[Staci in FL]

I never was able to experience baby smells, coos, etc because I did not have any biological children. All of my children came to me through adoption at older ages, which is a wonderful gift in its own right. And, for which I am immensely grateful. The words I could come up with to describe just how grateful would seem trite.

 

However, I grieved - HARD - the fact that my body would never do something for which it was made to do...bear children. I was so sad when I would hear women complaining about how much sleep they had lost with their newborn babies. It was a long, difficult grief that I was compartmentalized. I hung on to the grief because I thought I was entitled to have it. I probably could have chosen to walk away from the grief sooner than I did, but I chose to hang on to it. They say time heals all wounds, and in my case, there is lots of truth to it. Some fifteen years after finding out I'd never be pregnant, I have no grief over the issue any more. Whereas it was something I thought about every day, I really and truly no longer think about it. I know the date on which I found out someone was pregnant and that was the first time I could be legitimately happy for a pregnancy. Time. Give it time.

 

And I so hope you find some peace. Hugs.

 

Staci

[coffeefreak]

For me, it's all the Lord. A great study is, "Lord Heal My Hurts" by Kay Arthur.

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Melinda, I just wanted to tell you something--don't know if it will be helpful or not.

You mentioned your health as a reason you don't think you would qualify to adopt--are you sure?

I don't know your particulars and don't need to know, but wanted to share that my brother and his wife have

two adopted children. He has cystic fibrosis and is a lung transplant recipient--they adopted after his transplant.

If that's not a health situation, I don't know what is! So, maybe there's still a chance for you.

Just throwin' it out there.

[jenadina]

I have just 1. He constantly talks about "When I have a brother and a sister," and it just breaks my heart. I never wanted to have an only child. My husband and I agreed that 3 was a good number before we got married, and he does want more kids, but not now. I'm afraid that "now" will never come. I envy pregnant women and sometimes get really angry when I see women with young babies who won't even pick them up when they cry while I would do just about anything to have another. I've often wished that a condom would break. I've contemplated poking pin holes in the packages (I wouldn't. I couldn't live with myself if I got pregnant that way. I don't, and won't, deceive my husband. But I have thought about it.).

 

I don't have an answer, and I often think it would be easier if it was a firm "no" rather than "it's not the right time," because then at least there wouldn't be any uncertainty and I could try to move forward.

[Melinda]

Melinda, I just wanted to tell you something--don't know if it will be helpful or not.

You mentioned your health as a reason you don't think you would qualify to adopt--are you sure?

I don't know your particulars and don't need to know, but wanted to share that my brother and his wife have

two adopted children. He has cystic fibrosis and is a lung transplant recipient--they adopted after his transplant.

If that's not a health situation, I don't know what is! So, maybe there's still a chance for you.

Just throwin' it out there.

 

Hey, thanks. I will look into it, I just assumed (oops) that families with several children already where one parent is seriously ill would pose a problem in this process. Maybe there is hope. :)

[newbie]

Lots of hugs:grouphug:, I miss ya and good to see you.

 

I totally know how you feel and what makes it harder is when dh does not want one.

 

I think in my case I see mine growing up and talking about leaving, I am getting empty nest syndrome before they are even gone. It makes me totally sad.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Happy]

I never was able to experience baby smells, coos, etc because I did not have any biological children. All of my children came to me through adoption at older ages, which is a wonderful gift in its own right. And, for which I am immensely grateful. The words I could come up with to describe just how grateful would seem trite.

 

However, I grieved - HARD - the fact that my body would never do something for which it was made to do...bear children. I was so sad when I would hear women complaining about how much sleep they had lost with their newborn babies. It was a long, difficult grief that I was compartmentalized. I hung on to the grief because I thought I was entitled to have it. I probably could have chosen to walk away from the grief sooner than I did, but I chose to hang on to it. They say time heals all wounds, and in my case, there is lots of truth to it. Some fifteen years after finding out I'd never be pregnant, I have no grief over the issue any more. Whereas it was something I thought about every day, I really and truly no longer think about it. I know the date on which I found out someone was pregnant and that was the first time I could be legitimately happy for a pregnancy. Time. Give it time.

 

And I so hope you find some peace. Hugs.

 

Staci

 

 

I could have written this. What's interesting to me is that I've really thought I settled all of this in my soul years and years ago. However...my future daughter in law will give us our first grandchild by Christmas. I find myself unsettled and unhappy about not being pregnant ever all over again. Hit me by surprise...like a tidal wave...and I'm floundering. I've found my floaties and will not drown, but, wow, that was totally unexpected.

[MicheleinMN]

And don't get a puppy or two thinking that will help....It didn't.