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Social Help for Gifted Child Requested


Storm Bay
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My eldest is hg but also somewhat socially awkward--much better than before. She is in the throes of puberty, but not only argues that way at home, but sometimes elsewhere--but actually, according to The Thinking Toolbox, fights. I'm compliling a list of socially inappropriate times to argue/fight with me. Okay, fighting isn't right, but she is at that age so I'd like to start with when and where it's okay for her to make her points because she gets emotional so much more easily now with all the hormonal changes going on. I'm asking on this board instead of the SN board because of the fact that most of her social awkwardness is more tied in with the fact that she's highly gifted, but not in the social realm.

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Karin,

I don't have a girl nor are we anywhere near puberty yet, but I do have a very, very emotional boy. We still have issues with crying and hysterics. We don't deal with fighting as much (yet?). What we've done with Huck is explain to him that he can't go all out in any public place. He needs to wait until we reach a safe area, usually the car or a secluded corner. Then he's free to let it out. I don't know if that would be applicable to your situation, but the idea of acceptable/unacceptable places works well for us in that aspect.

We've also spent lots of time role playing and discussing how other kids interpret the things he says and his delivery. Right now because he's so young, I still supervise a lot when he's around other kids. I don't intervene, however, unless he's getting super bossy or mean. I try to let him work it out on his own.

Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but hope it helps anyway.

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One thing that has helped my more socially awkward child (who is now 17) was to "prep" him before every social situation. For example, if he was going to youth group, I'd talk to him about how to talk to other people. I'd tell him to look others in the eyes, to ask questions about them rather than rattle on about yourself or Lord of the Rings or Legos or the time-space continuim. I told him I wanted him to not pace and talk to himself when he got nervous in a crowd setting (yes, he did this). It took lots of repetition, and even a little role playing for him to get comfortable in social situations. Now he's got a job and is very well liked. Still a nerd, though ;-)

 

I have sat down with my preteens and teens, and talked to them about acceptable behavior. I don't care how intelligent they are, to be be boorish or overly emotional is not respectful to any hearers! I have given them tools to handle such things, like excusing themselves to go to their rooms until they can speak to me as calmly as I am speaking to them, REGARDLESS of "that time of the month", or to excuse themselves from social situations until they can properly handle their own behaviors/ comments.

 

All this blabbing to say, role play with her, help her to learn to control her behavior in social settings as well as at home. It takes time - this is a marthon season of life, not a sprint.

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I'd tell him to look others in the eyes, to ask questions about them rather than rattle on about yourself or Lord of the Rings or Legos or the time-space continuim.

 

This made me laugh. I would imagine my oldest is going to be just like this. I already remind him that if people ask you a question, you have to answer them. I keep hoping this will become second nature, but [sigh] not yet.:rolleyes:

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Thanks for the answers so far. Actually, we've done many of these suggestions. What I really was looking for, and didn't express clearly, were specific situations where it's inappropriate so I can write that list down and she can read it. I already know them, but may forget some. For example, it is not socially appropriate to disagree with your coach when he's coaching you. It's not socially appropriate to argue with your mother at your sister's dance studio. The example in Thinking Toolbox is humorous (it's not socially appropriate to disagree with the queen, it's not socially appropriate to argue.) This chapter is perfect for her because it breaks things down to discussion, disagreement, argument, fight. The issue is that she moves to fight too quickly. She's usually fine on the swim team, but once in a while there are a few short moments. She's at that age where most kids are the least understanding. On the team, they mostly ignore her and don't give really dirty looks, but I'd like her to do more than just be there. Plus the rest of life is important, too.

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Ah, Thanks! I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one facing this.

Now, do you also have to deal with dirty looks at the same time?

Sometimes Huck just doesn't pay attention when someone is talking to him. But lately, he's gotten a bit nasty (not at all tolerated here) usually toward his brother or grandmother.

I'm finally getting him to answer, using the "my telepathy must be down today" thing, but wiping the dirty looks away would be great! :o)

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We've started working on "Answer when you are spoken to" with our 6 yr old also and intend to impart as much knowledge and help as we can in regards to non-verbal communications and emotional IQ so our son hopefully doesn't have to learn as much of it the proverbial hard way as his parents mostly did. :rolleyes:

I found an extensive list of online resources just the other day:

 

http://www.dmoz.org/Science/Social_Sciences/Psychology/Intelligence/Emotional_Intelligence/

 

Hope this helps any and all - Jill

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Thanks for the answers so far. Actually, we've done many of these suggestions. What I really was looking for, and didn't express clearly, were specific situations where it's inappropriate so I can write that list down and she can read it. I already know them, but may forget some.

 

The bottom line with your child is that she needs to learn how to be considerate of others. This doesn't come naturally to anyone I know, as we tend to be self focused. Teach her a core value, then as situations arise, role-play with her.

 

For instance, I have only 2 rules when I teach a Sunday School class. Not 21 rules, or 10... 2. Rule #1 "When I am talking, you are not talking." Rule #2 "Be kind with your words and touches." That's it. Easy to remember, millions of application points.

 

When you get the time, keep repeating to your child that when an authority figure in her life tells her to do something, she is to listen and obey. Naturally, since she's bright, she'll toss out a lot of hypothetical situations in which she cannot obey. Keep her on target. Explain to her that even you and dad have to obey authorities (I like to use police as an example).

 

She is very young, so you will be repeating yourself often. But this is a critical behavior she needs to master otherwise she will grow up and have very few friends.

 

Another thing I've taught my kids is that just because a thought pops in your head doesn't mean you have to say it out loud. It is disrespectful to do that in many situations. Like as in correcting a coach.

 

You'll be reinforcing the respect for authority concept for many years. Don't get discouraged! This, to me, is as important as educational goals.

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Thanks all. Jill, I will check out your link. As for role playing, this has been a huge battle for us as she absolutely hates it. If we don't find a list of places I'll just have to make writing one an ongoing project as things come up. As I mentioned, she has come a long, long way and mostly doesn't have trouble, just usually with me (she doesn't wait until we get out and she KNOWS to wait) or her coach (or if she's being coached) and even with the coaching, it's not frequent anymore. This girl used to argue with almost every single thing her swim teachers told her and got over that for a long time by learning to be quiet and just do as she was told, but now that the hormones are in full swing and she's working very, very hard to improve her swimming and endurance, things have come up again. These kids will swim to the point they feel sick to their stomachs and this is a very normal fatigue area that they are to work though. She has that one down, but it's that intense of a workout. Plus, she argues and fights with me, which I know is very common for kids in puberty, but not in public.

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