Denisemomof4 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 and am too tired to care. First of all, the Hospice nurse told us today we have hours to days left with mom, and she won't be here by this weekend. It's been over 24 hours since mom has had a sip of anything. Usually you can go no longer than 3 days with no liquids. Mom looks amazingly beautiful. She has beautiful skin coloring and looks so peaceful and is resting comfortably. Last night we all asked her not to keep holding on, to please go see Dad. It was AWFULLY hard but we didn't want to keep seeing her like this. We want her to be at peace and never again know what sickness feels like. We sat reminiscing about our favorite childhood memories, laughed, cried, etc. It was such a beautiful time. Her eyes were shut the entire time but I'm confident she heard every word which was shared. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling, other than unstable. I cry one minute, laugh the next, etc. I'm operating on exhaust fumes and am beyond exhausted. I don't know how we're going to muster up the energy to deal with all the details after mom's gone. Somehow we'll have to manage but I just don't see how we will right now. My boys, good kids, are not coping as I expected them to. They're not stepping up to the plate and helping out like I thought they would, like they usually do. And dh and I have decided that he's taking over ALL discipline of them from here on out. WHEW, is that a HUGE load off my shoulders. Anyway, if I'm going to be hands off, I'm not going to go after them about their chores. (to be fair, THEY is mainly my almost 14 yos. My 17 yos is very, very good.) Which means that my son didn't empty the dishwasher until his father called him at almost 5:00, and the dishes have been piled in the sink all day. The dog hasn't been let out since this morning. Now I'm feeling HORRIBLE about dh coming home to this mess to deal with, and I want to meddle and get the boys to do their thing before he gets home, but then I'm not leaving it all up to him. I'm frustrated because I just wish the boys could do their chores and hubby could come home and enjoy his family, but now instead he's going to be stressed out. I want to avoid that, but I'm not going to allow myself to get involved. Siiiiiiiiiigh. How can I sit and twirl my fingers for the next 45 minutes? How am I going to do this long term, not get involved when responsibilities are failed, only to know dh will come home and be stressed out all night? Honestly, I just can't be the "bad" parent anymore. Dh wants to completely take over with my 13 yos (almost 14) because he's holding animosity towards me. Well, then do what you're supposed to do and then you won't have a frustrated mother addressing you. Now he'll have a frustrated father to deal with, and I am dealing with guilt over hubby not having a peaceful evening, and dealing with having a hard time not getting involved. Honestly, it's a struggle! I want to march up to this kid's room and yell, "GET THE DISHES DONE AND LET OUT THE DOG." It's SO hard to not just FIX it all, but I also am tremendously RELIEVED that dh wants to take over with the boys. I'm riding the ever endless see saw! I shouldn't even be thinking about this right now.. Siiiiiiiiigh. I'm watching mom and nursing my sister whose struggling with an extremely bad migraine right now. She really needs to get to the hospital but is afraid not to be here for mom. Please pray for us. Denise' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Denise, I'm so very, very sorry. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm so sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :grouphug: I will continue to pray for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 You're taking care of your mom, and dealing with the stress of her illness. Please don't feel guilty for letting your dh take care of some things to let you release some of the load. Let him help you -- he needs to feel needed, and this is a great way to let him be a comfort to you. I'm sorry you're dealing with both a terminally-ill mom and a kid with RAD. I hope things get easier soon. Hugs, Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :grouphug: Praying for you, Denise. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Lots of prayers for you, from my home and heart to yours. Blessings for your mom, and best wishes for her peaceful journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 You shouldn't be thinking about these things right now. You are in a huge crisis. Your mother is dying. Your DH can be stressed out. It's okay. It's not going to kill him. Having a MIL die is terribly stressful on everyone and you aren't supposed to protect your husband from how hard that is. It's okay if this ends up being the worst month (or 6 months) of your husband's life. It's probably going to be one of your worst, right? When a spouse's parent is dying, you do things above and beyond. He can deal with that. It's not going to kill him, and you know what? It's probably not forever. BTDT. Probably in six months you will be back to keeping some track of your son's chores. You are an adult and it's your house and he's going to obey you and not just your DH. But not for now. For now, you are going to care for your Mother and weep and mourn and fall apart, and your DH is going to cope. He will be fine. He doesn't mind doing this, and if your son hates him for a couple of months, fine. It won't kill either of them. Your life is falling apart and your husband's life is going to fall apart too, and then later, how ever much later works for you, you will start sort of putting it back together again. A year from now, your husband WILL come home to some peace. ((((((Denise)))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I so remember those final days with my mom. I didn't want to leave her bed for even a moment. It was hard and went on for 4 days. Like your mom, she lay very peacefully sleeping and truly was beautiful. I am so thankful for that. I have been praying for you and wondering how things were going. You are blessed with your dh taking over with the boys. Let him do it for now. Possibly when life gets back to a more normal state you can work together with them. There needs to be consequences for when you one son doesn't follow through with what he is to do but for now just focus on your mom and be with her these final hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 :grouphug: Denise :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 (edited) You are in a crisis right now; it is okay to let your dh step up and take over in certain areas. I cared for my dad for 6 mos. before his death. It is HARD. My older girls sort of checked out, mentally and physically. Where they had always been such help, they just suddenly weren't anymore. What I forgot to realize was how hard it was on them to see their grandpa slowly, slowly slipping away, their mom totally stressed and dad stressed cause mom was stressed. There were days when I could have handled things much better than I did, and I was 45; my girls were 13 and 15. In retrospect I think they were coping the best they could, too. It's hard on everyone; you don't need to add more stress on yourself and make it yet harder. Be with your mom right now - that's where you need to be. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Janet Edited June 30, 2009 by Ishki Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarfoot Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Still praying for you. May you find peace and strength.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 You are in a crisis right now; it is okay to let your dh step up and take over in certain areas. I cared for my dad for 6 mos. before his death. It is HARD. My older girls sort of checked out, mentally and physically. Where they had always been such help, they just suddenly weren't anymore. What I forgot to realize was how hard it was on them to see their grandpa slowly, slowly slipping away, their mom totally stressed and dad stressed cause mom was stressed. There were days when I could have handled things much better than I did, and I was 45; my girls were 13 and 15. In retrospect I think they were coping the best they could, too. It's hard on everyone; you don't need to add more stress on yourself and make it yet harder. Be with your mom right now - that's where you need to be. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Janet What she said. Your children's behavior may be an acting out of the pain they feel. Not everyone cries when they are sad. BTDT with my mom. You are in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 What she said. Your children's behavior may be an acting out of the pain they feel. Not everyone cries when they are sad. BTDT with my mom. You are in my prayers. Prayers and love and hugs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 So very sorry for your situation. Prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Sending good thoughts your way, Denise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 Denise - Let your husband help you through this difficult time. He wants to and what a blessing that is. :grouphug: Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
springmama Posted June 30, 2009 Share Posted June 30, 2009 I'm praying for you. My dad was very sick and passed away almost 3 weeks ago. I'm so sorry she is sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TwinMominTX Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 You are in my thoughts. May your mom pass over peacefully and may God bless your entire family. I'd cut your kids some slack and let things slide. Easier said than done...huh! Peace to you and yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheezie Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 (((Denise))) I'm so sorry. My mom died suddenly April 30th, and it's been so hard. Please know that I'm praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jensway Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 :grouphug: Your family will be in our thoughts and prayers for things to go as peacefully as possible. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Oh Denise, I know how hard it can be. My mother passed away last year and honestly I would not have made it through that crisis if I my hubby had not taken over for awhile. It is incredibly draining. Lean on your hubby and let him help you. As my incredibly wise hubby said to me at the time, "You don't always have to be the strong one. You do not have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Let me carry your burden for awhile." It was good advice. I am so sorry for all the stress you are going through now. I pray for you and your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Denise, don't know if you will get this, but please know I will check in the morning to see if you are still with your mom, and then my friends at church and I will lift you all to the Lord between 9 and 10am. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 (edited) You have so many things on your plate. I know it is hard, but your husband is the less stressed of the two of you right now, and him coming home from work and dealing with the kids is not going to hurt him. It sounds like he WANTS to do this for you...and definitely NOT like it is a burden to him. Do the best you can to relax, forget for a bit that you are the parent, and allow yourself to be the "child" and say goodbye to your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you in these very difficult days. My grandfather was given 24 hours and lived 4 weeks. I remember those days and how they crept by. I remember how we prayed for him to go on - and how we begged him to let go. That was 18 years ago this past May - the pain in just remembering is still there after all these years. I want to also add that, when my grandfather was dying (9 mos he fought), my behavior changed radically. I didn't visit him often in the hospital (I was afraid...my mom and grandma thought I just didnt' want to...but it wasn't that at all. It was all of the machines, the atmosphere. To this day, I can not go in a hospital and not get the heebie jeebies). At school, at home, virtually everything in my life was in uproar - chaos. Your sons are losing their grandma and they are watching her die. In a way, they have lost you too for now. It is so hard to be mom and daughter and shoulder everything at once. They know that - and you must know that too. Give them a bit of slack. They are hurting with you. God be with you and your family! Edited July 1, 2009 by Tree House Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 and am too tired to care. First of all, the Hospice nurse told us today we have hours to days left with mom, and she won't be here by this weekend. It's been over 24 hours since mom has had a sip of anything. Usually you can go no longer than 3 days with no liquids. Mom looks amazingly beautiful. She has beautiful skin coloring and looks so peaceful and is resting comfortably. How are you all doing Denise? You having been making we think (with fondness) of the privilege I had at being with my mother when she died. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 You're in my prayers :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesloonybin Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 :grouphug: I am sorry you are going through this. As a fellow person full of guilt over every little thing, try to let it go. I understand...no matter what you are going to feel guilt (and someone telling you not too does not change that) but still let DH help. I agree that he needs to "do something". He wants to feel needed. And at a time like this, there is not much for them to do. Most Dh's are "fixers". Just let him deal with the boys. Eventually the guilt will fade. I am so very sorry about your mom. Mine was given 6 months and she lasted 1yr and 2 months. The last 6 months were the hardest. She just lingered on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Your sons are losing their grandma and they are watching her die. In a way, they have lost you too for now.... Give them a bit of slack. They are hurting with you. :iagree: We lost both my FIL and stepfather this past year, and after the second death my son became very withdrawn and short-tempered. When I finally sat down and talked it through with him I discovered that, in addition to his sorrow over losing his grandfathers, he was also terrified that DH or I would die. He wasn't getting any sleep, he was awake all night (often crying) thinking that someday we would also be gone and he would be alone. Maybe all of you would benefit from grief counseling after your mother passes, but in the meantime I would go easy on your kids. I'm sure this situation is extremely stressful and difficult for them as well. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Denise, thinking about you and wondering how you are holding up. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 You all are in my thoughts. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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