S/O: Dhs and porn.

[stripe]

And, frankly, after 12 years and birthing three babes, I think it's safe to say there isn't a whole lot of "mystery" left here. Love and attraction, yes. Mystery? Not so much.

 

I daresay that most porn is not predicated on mystery or vague suggestion.

 

But I certainly hope this thread is not being used as a way for someone to decide what to do in a real situation or broadcast their own personal behavior in this regard, especially as it is a public forum.

 

With regard to coersion and porn "actresses" -- in the Frontline program on the subject, I referred to a part where the producers for the show decided to leave a porn "shooting." The reason was that the (female) porn director had not informed her best friend, the porn "actress," about exactly what acts were going to take place, in fact she had misled her. The woman was also violently beaten up as part of those "surprise" sex acts. To me, that seems very much like calculated rape recorded on film, not consensual behavior.

Edited June 30, 2009 by stripe

[6packofun]

"Driven to sexual frustration" by a week of his wife's period?? Seriously? LOL!

 

You know, I get that most men cling to the scientific law that says their scrotum will explode if they don't have near daily release and all that, but how about mutual m*sturbation OR simply m*sturbating to the images (in your head or otherwise) of your beautiful, sexy wife instead of using that as an excuse to bring porn into it?

 

Thank you for your stereotypical macho guy point of view, though. :)

[LaxMom]

No, I don't think so, either. I was responding to Ginger's question:

Where is the enticing mystery of marital relations then?

I don't know how realistic the expectation of "mystery" is after a while.

 

(For clarification, this response is in regard to Stripe's comment about porn not being predicated on mystery... hard to reply directly on these fast-moving threads without cluttering up with quoting all the time. ;-) )

Edited June 30, 2009 by MyCrazyHouse

[Ravin]

I don't think it's necessarily about sexual frustration. My DH, at least, doesn't masturbate.

I actually think he's a little wierd in that respect, but he prefers interaction with other people. Solitary activity just doesn't do it for him. He does still occasional enjoy watching porn, but he doesn't use it to get off per se.

[Doran]

Of course, I am the wife who, when my husband calls from a conference out of state and tells me some of the other guys were talking about going to a strip club, reminds him to tip the girls if he goes.

 

Always keepin' it real. You crack me up! :D

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

[

quote=Blueridge;1040825]I think every marriage has to be considered independently. Some couples could surely work through any kind of issue that was becoming a wedge between them. The success of their marriage would depend on their commitment to each other and their willingness to work toward healthy balance. I am speaking from personal experience here, and honestly trying to be kind.

If the wife (or husband) feels their moral foundation has been shaken by their spouse desiring to look at porn, it can have devastating results on their union. How can a marriage be strong when one soul is being crushed by the actions of the other who refuses to accept the responsibility?

This is a deeper issue of a violation of a personal sense of right and wrong and what is appropriate and honorable. What happened to respect? What happened to a sacrificial giving of oneself for their spouse? Communication isn't as effective if one party dominates the other.

I think there is a 'heart issue' that goes beneath the whole porn issue. Why is the husband feeling the need to seek out these images? If his normal needs and desires are being met already, doesn't this further seeking for gratification imply that he has a problem with self control? Pride? Selfishness? Boredom? Maybe just laziness and wanting to 'have their cake and eat it, too'? I realize these comments won't be very popular. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

I've been trying to think of a way to say this exact thing. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

 

I think most men are living vicariously through the porn they are looking at. They put themselves in that picture and imagine being with that person. They see that form in their mind's eye long after they've put the magazine away. This connects them to the images, and the heart and mind are full of self-serving desires. This is why a casual looking often leads to more looking, never being satisfied. A man that cannot physically control and re channel his desire for a few short days during his wife's monthly cycle or when she's just honestly too exhausted to be responsive is looking for excuses to be a weak, self-serving person IMO, who is using that as a reason for justifying his lack of self control. Which leads to more seeking...more images being filed in his mind...which leads to a lack of full satisfaction with his spouse...and the destructive cycle goes on and on. How can viewing porn be an innocent part of married life ? I just can't believe that any woman is really happy about their dh seeing other bodies besides hers. Where is the enticing mystery of marital relations then? Where is the specialness if saving one's most intimate moments for their beloved only? I don't want to sound preachy. I guess I'm just saddened that so many are alright with their marriages being filled with subtle 'cracks in the armor'.

I don't think it is a healthy habit to constantly feed the fleshly side of a person with food from another person, even if it's just a picture on glossy paper. Off my podium now...no rotten tomatoes, please!

 

 

I think this is one of those things that each couple has to figure out for themselves. No one on the outside has any right to judge. It is very easy to say, "Oh, I would never tolerate my husband doing x, y, z....!" But, when push comes to shove, are you really willing to give up your marriage over it? If you think your husband would never do such a thing, you might want to think again. Unfortunately, I know from experience.

 

Men and women have different "weaknesses" (for lack of a better word.) Most men would say they would never tolerate a wife emasculating them or belittling them in public (think Jon & Kate.) Being disrespected by their wives (in public, especially) really hits a nerve with men, just like husbands watching porn hits a nerve with women. I know they seem like apples and oranges, although they both have to do with (dis)respecting your spouse. The point is that they both hurt equally the same, and the offending gender (usually) doesn't think it's such a big deal.

 

Each couple who deals with this situation has to muddle through the hurt, pain, and misunderstanding to find a solution that works for them. I think, as women, we truly don't understand the importance of tea-making to men and we all think, "Oh, my husband is fine with the amount of tea we have." until they discover that their dh has been drinking tea on his own with an artificial sweetener. (I'm stretching the analogy a bit!) It is not so hard for us to go without tea for a long time, but I think men often find themselves in quite a conundrum because they have to either fight this primal urge (and most likely be miserable) or find a way to take care of "the problem" knowing their wives will most likely disapprove (no matter how they quench their thirst.) Think of all the times you've said, "I have the kids and the house and people needing and touching me all day long, and I just want to go to bed....and this is just one more 'chore'." Good husbands hear that enough and often think, "Well, I don't want to nag her, so I'll just take matters into my own, er... hands." And they think they're doing you a favor!

 

I don't like the word "submit," but as wives I think we need to be as generous as we can in this department. But, if you find yourself discovering dh in an unpleasant pastime, realize he probably started it because he found himself in between a rock and a hard place. (no pun intended) and probably thought it was the lesser of two evils (the other being bothering you.)

 

Something that really helped me understand the different needs is the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. It's written by a Christian woman and really explains the degree to which s*x affects a man's life. (I had no idea until I read this book! It was definitely an eye opening experience. )

 

You can't change another person, but you can change yourself. In the more innocent cases, a change in your behavior will likely lead to a change in his.

[Sarah CB]

I would be upset because the marriage is supposed to be a sacred union between the two of you and the physical part of that is being compromised by your husband bringing the images of other women into it. So, instead of your dh fantasizing about you he's thinking of being with other women. My question to him would be who is he picturing in his head while he's physically with you? is he picturing other women? Or is he fully with you?

 

I think a marriage can be so much closer and so much richer and more exciting when both partners are fully engaged (physically and mentally) with the other, when you think about the other person while you are apart and imagine being with your partner. And when you are together you're not thinking of someone else. IMO, anything else is settling for less than you could have together.

[lionfamily1999]

What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter?

 

Intellectually I understand that married adults do not have to agree on every matter and since we have worked out how to handle our differences it should be a non-issue.

 

We're about nine years behind you guys, but I've passed the attempts to intellectualize porn. I can't, period. Dh and I had a looooong talk where I told him I was TRYING to be rational and to see that this isn't "cheating" and that I should not be threatened by these disgusting women and their bizarre antics, but.... BUT, I still feel that way, and all the rationalization and thought in the world will not change that.

 

He's found a few things that work the same way for him (for instance, me having male friends). We've both agreed, then, that with few exceptions (his one tape and one very dear friends of mine), we'd put limits on these activities.

 

It's funny, I don't get hurt if I catch him 'making tea' (unless I wanted to take part). It's knowing he is getting excited over other women, especially women that are doing things I cannot bring myself to do. I love him, I want to be his 'favorite,' iykwIm. I can admire a pretty woman along with my dh (fully clothed people we either know or saw). I don't mind him finding women attractive, it's enjoying himself while seeing these women.

I have also done some searches that caused my hubby to see things from my POV. I guess a picture really is worth a thousand words as these pictures were able to communicate something to him that no amount of my talking could accomplish.

It's amazing how quickly they understand the hurt when their wives are the ones looking. :glare:

 

 

 

Someone else posted a tip... about making pics/etc for dh, iykwIm. Thanks, I hadn't even thought of it. I think I could stomach him looking at ME for that.

[KingM]

But I certainly hope this thread is not being used as a way for someone to decide what to do in a real situation or broadcast their own personal behavior in this regard, especially as it is a public forum.

 

 

Why? I read and research and talk to other people whose opinions I respect. Why shouldn't I use a conversation like this to broaden my own perspective and help me to eventually come to a conclusion about what works best in real life?

[KidsHappen]

Someone else posted a tip... about making pics/etc for dh, iykwIm. Thanks, I hadn't even thought of it. I think I could stomach him looking at ME for that.

 

Well, I thought of it, about 20 years ago when I was young and hot. He still has those pictures but maybe it time for some updates. Gotta love Doran.

[lionfamily1999]

I think I'll just put a CD on TOP of his video. Then, even if he doesn't use it, I can PRETEND he does, rather than his other video.

 

I understand the dislike of live action. I got rid of the rags, because it's easier for the boys to access the visual material if it's on paper. The only VCR is in our bedroom, and it is not hooked up, unless I hook it up. The video is kept in a safe place. It's funny, we have a bow and arrow set, bb gun, and an old rifle that are easier to get to than dh's porn. Shows where porn lines up in my esteem.

 

 

 

Oh, and I don't feel sorry for the adult women in most of the porn industry. They're adults.

 

 

 

We don't do strip clubs, period. Dh is uncomfortable with the idea of maybe getting "happy" while sitting with a group of friends and I think it crosses the line.

Edited June 30, 2009 by lionfamily1999

[Tami]

I am of the opinion that many men are stimulating themselves right into impotence. The desensitization factor must be considered for the viewer, as well as the dehumanizing aspect of the women involved in the porn acting.

 

My husband does not view porn and has never been to a strip club. We have a very.....err....active sex life. I have read that the Amish actually have some of the most satisfying sex lives. I can believe it! Why? All of our energy goes into each other, and me likes it that way. We believe in purity before marriage, and lots of sex after that! I love it this way, and can't imagine "sharing" my husband, even if just through porn.

 

I cannot say what I would do if he viewed porn, as it has not happened. I think wives are instinctively hurt and jealous, but that they just try and get over it and cooly accept it, as it's just "what men do." There is a lot of pressure on wives to accept porn viewing these days. Well, not all men view porn, I can tell you!!! Men are not like dogs wagging around. They are fully capable of self-control, and don't let them convince you otherwise.

 

If porn hurts a wife, it is unacceptable. If porn is more valuable than a wife's feelings, I would question the husband's integrity as partner. It seems to be somewhat addictive, so that may be going on as well.

 

My heart goes out to those who are struggling.

[KidsHappen]

[

 

I've been trying to think of a way to say this exact thing. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

 

 

 

I think this is one of those things that each couple has to figure out for themselves. No one on the outside has any right to judge. It is very easy to say, "Oh, I would never tolerate my husband doing x, y, z....!" But, when push comes to shove, are you really willing to give up your marriage over it? If you think your husband would never do such a thing, you might want to think again. Unfortunately, I know from experience.

 

Men and women have different "weaknesses" (for lack of a better word.) Most men would say they would never tolerate a wife emasculating them or belittling them in public (think Jon & Kate.) Being disrespected by their wives (in public, especially) really hits a nerve with men, just like husbands watching porn hits a nerve with women. I know they seem like apples and oranges, although they both have to do with (dis)respecting your spouse. The point is that they both hurt equally the same, and the offending gender (usually) doesn't think it's such a big deal.

 

Each couple who deals with this situation has to muddle through the hurt, pain, and misunderstanding to find a solution that works for them. I think, as women, we truly don't understand the importance of tea-making to men and we all think, "Oh, my husband is fine with the amount of tea we have." until they discover that their dh has been drinking tea on his own with an artificial sweetener. (I'm stretching the analogy a bit!) It is not so hard for us to go without tea for a long time, but I think men often find themselves in quite a conundrum because they have to either fight this primal urge (and most likely be miserable) or find a way to take care of "the problem" knowing their wives will most likely disapprove (no matter how they quench their thirst.) Think of all the times you've said, "I have the kids and the house and people needing and touching me all day long, and I just want to go to bed....and this is just one more 'chore'." Good husbands hear that enough and often think, "Well, I don't want to nag her, so I'll just take matters into my own, er... hands." And they think they're doing you a favor!

 

I don't like the word "submit," but as wives I think we need to be as generous as we can in this department. But, if you find yourself discovering dh in an unpleasant pastime, realize he probably started it because he found himself in between a rock and a hard place. (no pun intended) and probably thought it was the lesser of two evils (the other being bothering you.)

 

Something that really helped me understand the different needs is the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn. It's written by a Christian woman and really explains the degree to which s*x affects a man's life. (I had no idea until I read this book! It was definitely an eye opening experience. )

 

You can't change another person, but you can change yourself. In the more innocent cases, a change in your behavior will likely lead to a change in his.

 

 

And thank you for saying this. I like your use of the teA analogy to make some very important points. Thanks for contributing to the conversation.

[Blueridge]

...And, frankly, after 12 years and birthing three babes, I think it's safe to say there isn't a whole lot of "mystery" left here. Love and attraction, yes. Mystery? Not so much...

 

Oh, I think it's a wise and mysterious woman who can share a few of her enticing, unexpected *secrets* from time to time with her dh. We're all Well Trained Minds around here...we can be Well Trained Bodies, too! :D Time and experiences do change things, and many times for the better!

[LaxMom]

Always keepin' it real. You crack me up! :D

It's the Yankee stock - we're nothing if not practical. Remind me to tell you about the "mid-life crisis planning meeting" Thursday. ;)

[Doran]

Your counsel is always so wise and you always seem to say exactly what I need to hear in the way I need to hear it, usually with a touch of humor.

 

It is so nice to see you post. We don't hear from you near enough on the board these days. Hope you are doing well.

 

Thanks, Kids. That was nice to read. We're doing well, and I hope you are, too. :001_smile:

[KidsHappen]

But I certainly hope this thread is not being used as a way for someone to decide what to do in a real situation or broadcast their own personal behavior in this regard, especially as it is a public forum. /QUOTE]

 

Well my reason for starting the thread and the reason that I think many are participating is that although there is a lot of porn in our society, there is very little discussion about it. I think that it is helpful to everyone to know that no matter where they fall on the issue, they are not alone. There are plenty of others who feel just the same as they do. And I do think it is helpful to see how other real people deal with the issues. Not only how they feel about it but also what specific actions they take and why they do it. I don't think anyone would use this discussion as a basis for making decision in their own life but more food for thought and maybe a spring board for discussing these issues with others IRL.

[Tami]

"Driven to sexual frustration" by a week of his wife's period?? Seriously? LOL!

 

You know, I get that most men cling to the scientific law that says their scrotum will explode if they don't have near daily release:)

 

 

:lol::lol::lol::iagree:

 

There are lots of ways to have "fun" during those times. A gentleman can also wait a few days without their scrotum exploding! Or in a dating/courting relationship, months. I have not known a man with as little self-control as is described here. Well, perhaps I have known them briefly, but I kicked them to the curb and never entertained the thought of dating a man with that little self-control. What a complete turn-off. We all have wants and desires that we don't immediately satisfy at every whim. I'm pretty sure that's one thing that sets us above animals. I imagine this pattern of indulgent behavior shows itself early on, in the dating phase with the typical pleas and accompanying behaviors. In marriage, maybe it just presents differently? :D

Edited June 30, 2009 by Tami

[LaxMom]

Oh, I think it's a wise and mysterious woman who can share a few of her enticing, unexpected *secrets* from time to time with her dh. We're all Well Trained Minds around here...we can be Well Trained Bodies, too! :D Time and experiences do change things, and many times for the better!

I am all about learning new things. I just don't think there's much in the way of mystery left after many years of fuzzy teeth and hag hair (his) (no, I'm kidding - he doesn't have hag hair in the morning, that's all me)... two totally different things. ;)

 

I am absolutely not trying to imply there is any sort of complacency or resignation here - there is always new territory to travel. We don't really have secrets, though, we have open discussions.

 

And now we return from our "tea" sidebar to our porn thread in progress...

 

Homeschooling is so interesting. :D

[KingM]

There are lots of ways to have "fun" during those times. A gentleman can also wait a few days without their scrotum exploding! Or in a dating/courting relationship, months. I have not known a man with as little self-control as is described here. Well, perhaps I have known them briefly, but I kicked them to the curb and never entertained the thought of dating a man with that little self-control. What a complete turn-off. We all have wants and desires that we don't immediately satisfy at every whim.

 

I understand that you and your DH have great sexual compatibility, but not everyone can say this. Some people have a desire that burns on a weekly or monthly schedule, and others would be happy with daily sexual activity.

 

I don't see anything wrong with occasional masturbation to bring both partners into a more harmonious rhythm, or to release the tension that arises when one partner suffers unrequited desire for an extended period of time.

 

Oh, and studies have shown that 60% of women masturbate on occasion as well, so it's not an exclusively male issue.

[Tami]

I am well aware of that, as I have lots of female friends and not naive. I am speaking in regards to porn, not to masturbation, just to clarify. Perhaps the porn leads to women being turned-off, which leads to more masturbation and more porn, which leads to women being turned off....

 

I don't know, I'm just sayin'!

[KidsHappen]

Perhaps the porn leads to women being turned-off, which leads to more masturbation and more porn, which leads to women being turned off....

 

I don't know, I'm just sayin'!

 

Yes, this is exactly the cycle my hubby and I had to work through.

[phathui5]

"Driven to sexual frustration" by a week of his wife's period?? Seriously? LOL!

 

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

[lionfamily1999]

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

You are not alone.

[kiana]

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

 

No.

[HRAAB]

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

 

Not alone in that.

 

Janet

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

 

 

Not to get off subject, but isn't that...what's the word....icky? How does your dh feel about the "ick" factor? (Obviously, he's ok with it....but did he take much convincing? Was it his idea? I need details. )

 

(PG13 details....;))

[HRAAB]

Not to get off subject, but isn't that...what's the word....icky? How does your dh feel about the "ick" factor? (Obviously, he's ok with it....but did he take much convincing? Was it his idea? I need details. )

 

(PG13 details....;))

 

Actually he was the one who convinced me. I was uncomfortable because I thought he would be uncomfortable, but he wasn't at all. How many details do you need? :)

 

Janet

[lionfamily1999]

Not so icky. There's more clean-up needed afterwards, but... well... it's better than being frustrated, iykwIm.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Actually he was the one who convinced me. I was uncomfortable because I thought he would be uncomfortable, but he wasn't at all. How many details do you need? :)

 

Janet

 

 

Those are enough details. Thank you. I've never even considered this...uh....unusual teatime for the same reason....I thought he would be uncomfortable.

[kiana]

Not to get off subject, but isn't that...what's the word....icky? How does your dh feel about the "ick" factor? (Obviously, he's ok with it....but did he take much convincing? Was it his idea? I need details. )

 

(PG13 details....;))

 

He showers afterwards. Like ... *immediately* afterwards. Can't blame him.

 

If yours is icked, you could try a diaphragm or condom (I hope I haven't passed PG-13 with that) ... I've had a friend tell me hers really wanted to use one.

[Moxie]

He showers afterwards. Like ... *immediately* afterwards. Can't blame him.

 

 

 

Or you can start in the shower.....

 

Edited to add: Do we have tag trolls today? Lots of mean tags going around. Grow up people!

[ThatCyndiGirl]

He showers afterwards. Like ... *immediately* afterwards. Can't blame him.

 

If yours is icked, you could try a diaphragm or condom (I hope I haven't passed PG-13 with that) ... I've had a friend tell me hers really wanted to use one.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Diaphragm.

 

 

Lovely.

 

 

It works. ;)

[kiana]

Or you can start in the shower.....

 

Edited to add: Do we have tag trolls today? Lots of mean tags going around. Grow up people!

 

Make sure you have a nonstick mat :P I have a different friend who tried that once and slipped and broke her kneecap somehow. I didn't ask any more details ... I did laugh, but I took her a casserole too, so I hope that makes up for the laugh.

[Erica in PA]

The OP did specific that that a religious perspective was less applicable to her situation, so please feel free to skip over this post if you like. For me, though, as a Christian, it does come down to a Scriptural issue. I believe that the reason it seems wrong to me for my husband to look at pornographic materials is not because I feel insecure or jealous, or have a lesser sex drive than he does, or any other reason other than that I would be in the position of being sinned against, which naturally hurts. My husband would be using images of other women to fulfill the role that rightly belongs to me. And in doing so, he would be robbing me of the position and honor that I deserve as his wife. I would be doing the same to him if I were to engage in those activities.

 

Two passages that are related to this are: Matthew 5:27-28- "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." And 1 Cor. 7:4-5: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."

 

It would be a very, very serious issue in our marriage if this was going on. It isn't something that I could overlook, or make the best of. It would be unacceptable, as unacceptable as anything could be in a marriage, in my opinion.

[5kidsforME]

The OP did specific that that a religious perspective was less applicable to her situation, so please feel free to skip over this post if you like. For me, though, as a Christian, it does come down to a Scriptural issue. I believe that the reason it seems wrong to me for my husband to look at pornographic materials is not because I feel insecure or jealous, or have a lesser sex drive than he does, or any other reason other than that I would be in the position of being sinned against, which naturally hurts. My husband would be using images of other women to fulfill the role that rightly belongs to me. And in doing so, he would be robbing me of the position and honor that I deserve as his wife. I would be doing the same to him if I were to engage in those activities.

 

Two passages that are related to this are: Matthew 5:27-28- "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." And 1 Cor. 7:4-5: "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife."

 

It would be a very, very serious issue in our marriage if this was going on. It isn't something that I could overlook, or make the best of. It would be unacceptable, as unacceptable as anything could be in a marriage, in my opinion.

 

:iagree:

[Lovedtodeath]

Love the new sig line Megs!

[katilac]

First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense?

No

If not what are the consequences?

Alot of crying and hurt feelings on my part and guilt guilt guilt on his.

How do you work it out?

I chucked all of his skin rags, we have a no porn on the internet law (rule shmool, it's a law), and we have one video tape of porn. I despise that video and will dance on its ruined carcass the day the VCR eats it. Until then, it's an "emergency only" thing.

 

 

Am I the only one amused by the thought of a porn emergency? Is the tape kept behind glass, with a little hammer nearby? :D

[Jumping In Puddles]

 

 

Oh, and studies have shown that 60% of women masturbate on occasion as well, so it's not an exclusively male issue.

 

I would think the actual number is much, much higher than that. hmmm... this says 95% males and 89% of females which is more believable.

 

Pornography, OTOH, I think is very much a male issue.

[lionfamily1999]

Am I the only one amused by the thought of a porn emergency? Is the tape kept behind glass, with a little hammer nearby? :D

Lol... no, but maybe we could impliment that ;)

[KidsHappen]

Am I the only one here who will go "Eh, just throw a towel down."?

 

 

Nope.

[OhM]

During my marriage we had issues with porn. I don't have a big issue in general with men viewing porn within reason, often we viewed it as a couple. OUr trouble was actually deeper seated and the porn was just one way it came out. He would come home from work, head straight for our office, and lock himself in to look at porn for 6-8 hours a night without even acknowledging me and the children existed. If that had been the only issue I think with counselling we could have worked it out BUT it wasn't, we had many issues going on. The porn viewing was hurtful to me, because he would make comments about how my body wasn't like those women etc. He would get angry if I couldn't or wouldn't do some of the stuff they did. The final straw in our marriage was when he raped me.

 

In his case there were other issues going on, including alcoholism, adultery, etc. The porn was not the major factor in the failure of our marriage but it did contribute to it. I still don't have a probelm with grown men viewing porn particularily if the man and woman are viewng it together to extra stimulation etc in their own sex lives. But when it starts taking over their lives then there is a major problem to be addressed. I do think it can be worked through and over come with counselling if it is the only issue, but if it is just one of many I do think the marriage will fail.

 

This thread got a lot more (ahem) *interesting* in the interim, but my response to the OP's question - I had very similar issues to Swellmomma in my first marriage. Like her, it wasn't the only factor, but a contributing factor, and like her, the final straw was rape.

 

So, not surprisingly, when I met dh, porn was a *major issue* to me. It was and remains a non-negotiable item. It does not matter to me one bit whether that's reasonable or logical, it just is.

 

So to the original question - it's a deal-breaker for me, because of my past experience.