Jump to content

Menu

S/O: Dhs and porn.


Recommended Posts

Can we discuss how you have/do/would deal with porn in your marriage. First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense? If not what are the consequences? How do you work it out? What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter? What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that. Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it? Are there women who have no opinion on the matter or who just don't have a problem with it?

 

Feel free to mention anything else that you may find relavent to the conversation. All input is welcome but we are non-Christians so appeals to Christian authority would not be particularly pertinent to to dealing with this issue in our family. Male input is definitely welcome as it may be particularly enlightening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

During my marriage we had issues with porn. I don't have a big issue in general with men viewing porn within reason, often we viewed it as a couple. OUr trouble was actually deeper seated and the porn was just one way it came out. He would come home from work, head straight for our office, and lock himself in to look at porn for 6-8 hours a night without even acknowledging me and the children existed. If that had been the only issue I think with counselling we could have worked it out BUT it wasn't, we had many issues going on. The porn viewing was hurtful to me, because he would make comments about how my body wasn't like those women etc. He would get angry if I couldn't or wouldn't do some of the stuff they did. The final straw in our marriage was when he raped me.

 

In his case there were other issues going on, including alcoholism, adultery, etc. The porn was not the major factor in the failure of our marriage but it did contribute to it. I still don't have a probelm with grown men viewing porn particularily if the man and woman are viewng it together to extra stimulation etc in their own sex lives. But when it starts taking over their lives then there is a major problem to be addressed. I do think it can be worked through and over come with counselling if it is the only issue, but if it is just one of many I do think the marriage will fail.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Christian or not, viewing pornography can not lead to anything good. Have you ever seen the "Real Men Don't Watch Porn" campaign? That's my take on it - people are hurt in the making of porn, people are used and abused, the whole industry is a den of debauchery. How can it be okay to be contributing to that? My husband is so sensitive to this that when he sees sexually charged pictures of other women, he feels sick and thinks, "That is someone's daughter." How would he like his daughter or son being involved in that industry? Porn is bad for EVERYONE IMH, especially a marriage relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Male POV:

 

It's important to recognize that men and women respond in different ways to erotic stimulation. Women tend to reach romance novels and watch romantic comedies. Men enjoy visual stimulation more. (I know this is a huge generalization that doesn't begin to encompass the variety of human sexual behavior.)

 

IMO, neither of these is damaging in and of itself, but they can be. For example, a woman might develop unrealistic expectations that a relationship will be all about romantic proclamations, tender kisses, and bouquets of roses. No mention of messy diapers and arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

 

Porn has well-known and well-discussed dangers, as mentioned above. But I can't imagine why a woman would want to divorce an otherwise good husband because she caught him looking at a naked woman.

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

Now obviously, there are extreme cases that get attention and I have no sympathy for people who view humiliating and degrading sexual acts as a way of achieving sexual stimulation. That opinion X 10 for the worthless, disgusting excuses for men who view child pornography.

 

Extreme cases aside, my question is this? How does your husband treat you? Does he treat you with respect and love? Is he showing addictive tendencies and is he using fantasy images to replace real life relationships? In that case, this is something serious that needs to be dealt with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I stayed married to my ex husband after he looked at porn to the point of me not being able to reach him when I was in labor. It was a non issue for us, other than the fact that he didn't answer the phone when I was in labor! When I was pregnant, I wasn't exactly wanting tea everyday and he was (he was 21 years old, for God's sake!), so I really welcomed the porn. It took care of him without me having to even be there! Later, we made up for the porn by making a movie of our own which he watched when I wasn't forthcoming. We divorced for reasons totally unrelated to porn.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Male POV:

 

It's important to recognize that men and women respond in different ways to erotic stimulation. Women tend to reach romance novels and watch romantic comedies. Men enjoy visual stimulation more. (I know this is a huge generalization that doesn't begin to encompass the variety of human sexual behavior.)

 

IMO, neither of these is damaging in and of itself, but they can be. For example, a woman might develop unrealistic expectations that a relationship will be all about romantic proclamations, tender kisses, and bouquets of roses. No mention of messy diapers and arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

 

Porn has well-known and well-discussed dangers, as mentioned above. But I can't imagine why a woman would want to divorce an otherwise good husband because she caught him looking at a naked woman.

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

Now obviously, there are extreme cases that get attention and I have no sympathy for people who view humiliating and degrading sexual acts as a way of achieving sexual stimulation. That opinion X 10 for the worthless, disgusting excuses for men who view child pornography.

 

Extreme cases aside, my question is this? How does your husband treat you? Does he treat you with respect and love? Is he showing addictive tendencies and is he using fantasy images to replace real life relationships? In that case, this is something serious that needs to be dealt with.

 

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dh isn't into porn. He doesn't watch movies or read magazine. Okay, he does buy the SI swimsuit issue. :) He is very visual. He loves to go shopping with me. We've been to fancy stores and I've tried on $2000 dresses for him. I have a drawer full of lingerie. He loves to go with me when I go shopping for swimming suits. :) We have four kids and I work full time. Add homeschooling to that and the fact I'm almost 40 and my sex drive has taken a nosedive in the last couple of years! Instead of turning to porn and self-gratification, dh is patient and uses his energy to get me in the mood instead. That is a real man, imho! If I don't feel in the mood, sometimes I'll do it anyway in order to please him. A couple's sex life should be give and take same as any other area of the relationship. I understand that at this point in our lives, it is much more of a need for him than for me. If he turned to porn instead of me, it would definitely drive a wedge between us. It might be convenient way for me to get out of sex, but how would that bring us together as a couple? If he did start doing that, I would view it as a threat to our marriage. I don't think I would leave him over it (well, depending on how severe the problem was and whether or not he wanted to stop what he was doing) but I would suggest we go to counseling or *something*. I couldn't just let it go and accept it. Sex is too beautiful and intimate of a thing to be wasted on a magazine or video! The purpose of sex, imo, is to bring two people together as one.

 

I think a habit of viewing porn makes a person more selfish and lazy when it comes to pleasing their partner. An image doesn't talk back, doesn't get into bad moods, doesn't have bad days. How can feeding a habit that encourages selfishness and laziness bring anything but irritation and grief to a relationship?

 

I also agree with a previous poster who said that viewing it supports an industry where people are abused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Male POV:

 

It's important to recognize that men and women respond in different ways to erotic stimulation. Women tend to reach romance novels and watch romantic comedies. Men enjoy visual stimulation more. (I know this is a huge generalization that doesn't begin to encompass the variety of human sexual behavior.)

 

IMO, neither of these is damaging in and of itself, but they can be. For example, a woman might develop unrealistic expectations that a relationship will be all about romantic proclamations, tender kisses, and bouquets of roses. No mention of messy diapers and arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

 

Porn has well-known and well-discussed dangers, as mentioned above. But I can't imagine why a woman would want to divorce an otherwise good husband because she caught him looking at a naked woman.

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

Now obviously, there are extreme cases that get attention and I have no sympathy for people who view humiliating and degrading sexual acts as a way of achieving sexual stimulation. That opinion X 10 for the worthless, disgusting excuses for men who view child pornography.

 

Extreme cases aside, my question is this? How does your husband treat you? Does he treat you with respect and love? Is he showing addictive tendencies and is he using fantasy images to replace real life relationships? In that case, this is something serious that needs to be dealt with.

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense?

No

If not what are the consequences?

Alot of crying and hurt feelings on my part and guilt guilt guilt on his.

How do you work it out?

I chucked all of his skin rags, we have a no porn on the internet law (rule shmool, it's a law), and we have one video tape of porn. I despise that video and will dance on its ruined carcass the day the VCR eats it. Until then, it's an "emergency only" thing.

What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter? What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that.

We agree that it's not good for either of us. However, he doesn't watch it, for the most part, because he knows how I feel about it. That bothers me some, but not as much as if he watched it regardless of my feelings.

Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it?

Visual stimulation. It's not as though they're there for the plot or the story line or that artistry.

 

 

I was gone Wed. - Sat., he watched his little video, to help him sleep :glare:, because he missed me sooooo much. I'm irritated and hurt, but .... well, I'll choose my battles and if keeping that one video keeps him happy enough to NOT buy new porn (or search it out), then that's good enough for me.

The internet porn ended, the day I found out about it. I hit the roof. I asked how HE would feel about me doing some searches, how he would feel about me mentally cheating on him every.single.time. he left the house. The war raged for about a week. Then, I did some searches (gross), then he decided he didn't like internet porn after all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband kept porn for occasional viewing when I was not in the mood. It was normal porn, let me add. Nothing weird or hurtful. It never bothered me, and in truth was sometimes a relief to have his needs met elsewhere. Can't say that that (the relief part) was necessarily good for our marriage, but it never turned into a real problem.

 

Then we had a daughter. And suddenly all those girls in the mags were somebodys daugher to him. We no longer have any porn of any kind, anywhere in our house. And I have learned that marriage isn't always about my convenience. So, it has been better for both of us not to have it around

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can we discuss how you have/do/would deal with porn in your marriage. First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense? If not what are the consequences? How do you work it out? What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter? What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that. Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it? Are there women who have no opinion on the matter or who just don't have a problem with it?

 

Feel free to mention anything else that you may find relavent to the conversation. All input is welcome but we are non-Christians so appeals to Christian authority would not be particularly pertinent to to dealing with this issue in our family. Male input is definitely welcome as it may be particularly enlightening.

 

I have not experienced this in my marriage, but we have watched three families deal with it. Two of the marriages ended in divorce and one did not. In all cases the issue was not limited to watching movies or pictures. In each case the first problem was sneaking around behind the wife's back and lying. That broke trust and started to drive a wedge in their relationship. Okay, I don't know what other things might have also contributed, but I do know that this played a part or the decline in the marriages.

 

Couple A - Husband was looking a stuff and wife found out and was not pleased. He claimed to stop and began hiding better. Repeat cycle a couple more times. Eventually, he had an affair and they tried a little longer, then divorced. I think the primary reason for the divorce was the pride and dishonesty of the cheater. His dishonesty was as much with himself as it was with his wife.

 

Couple B - Husband looked and was found out and wrestled with it. I really feel like he had an addiction problem. (Husband A was more about pride and selfishness.) They got rid of their computers and tried counseling. He received a reprimand at work for his viewing habits. Eventually, he reached out to a live underage person online and set up a meet up. Fortunately, the girl immediately reported him to police, so most of his correspondence was with an undercover officer. He was arrested, lost his job, lost his family (his dd was about the same age at the online person.), did some jail time, and lost his wife. He still doesn't get it and hasn't learned to take full responsibility for his actions, both past and present. This was about addiction and a child like (not implying ANY innocence) self-centeredness. He just seems emotionally very young, like in the preschool years and he can't see why everything doesn't just go his way. Hmfph, pout!

 

Couple C - Husband looked, wife found out and husband stopped with help. He has been open about it and has sought support. He turned computer controls over to his wife. She was not aware that he was checking out sites online for some time (she can be pretty oblivious), but she was bothered by his increasing anger and irritation directed at her and their daughter. Once they were being honest with each other, that anger disappeared apparently.

 

In each case the emotions and motivation that went into the "looking" were more damaging to the marriage than the random looking at an image. As a nurse, I have seen many a naked body, but the goal behind it is to help the individual. There is nothing "hidden" or sneaky about it. The attitude that says, "I am going to do what I want to do and I don't care what anyone else thinks, including my spouse." is a troubling attitude. It is devisive. Choosing to practice that attitude (or any attitude) over and over can lead to an escalation of that attitude.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dh isn't into porn. He doesn't watch movies or read magazine. Okay, he does buy the SI swimsuit issue. :) He is very visual. He loves to go shopping with me. We've been to fancy stores and I've tried on $2000 dresses for him. I have a drawer full of lingerie. He loves to go with me when I go shopping for swimming suits. :) We have four kids and I work full time. Add homeschooling to that and the fact I'm almost 40 and my sex drive has taken a nosedive in the last couple of years! Instead of turning to porn and self-gratification, dh is patient and uses his energy to get me in the mood instead. That is a real man, imho! If I don't feel in the mood, sometimes I'll do it anyway in order to please him. A couple's sex life should be give and take same as any other area of the relationship. I understand that at this point in our lives, it is much more of a need for him than for me. If he turned to porn instead of me, it would definitely drive a wedge between us. It might be convenient way for me to get out of sex, but how would that bring us together as a couple? If he did start doing that, I would view it as a threat to our marriage. I don't think I would leave him over it (well, depending on how severe the problem was and whether or not he wanted to stop what he was doing) but I would suggest we go to counseling or *something*. I couldn't just let it go and accept it. Sex is too beautiful and intimate of a thing to be wasted on a magazine or video! The purpose of sex, imo, is to bring two people together as one.

 

I think a habit of viewing porn makes a person more selfish and lazy when it comes to pleasing their partner. An image doesn't talk back, doesn't get into bad moods, doesn't have bad days. How can feeding a habit that encourages selfishness and laziness bring anything but irritation and grief to a relationship?

 

I also agree with a previous poster who said that viewing it supports an industry where people are abused.

 

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Viewing porn is not grounds for leaving, in my book. Unless I felt there were addictive tendencies being revealed, or that the porn was merely a symptom of other, deeper issues in the marriage, I wouldn't even get involved in trying to determine consequences. That doesn't mean I love the idea of "soft porn", or even remotely condone it, but the thought of consequences seems inappropriate in this case. He's not my child.

 

The reasoning behind my above sentiments is that, yes, intellectually, I understand why men might view porn (KingM's post captures this). Still, as a woman, I can't quite come to terms with it emotionally. I imagine that it represents betrayal or dissatisfaction, even though there has been no evidence of this from my husband. So, I strive to focus on what I see and feel between us rather than what I see or feel about the choice to view porn. What's important is that I feel loved, respected, supported, and desired in a healthy fashion, not that we feel differently about porn.

 

That said, I find that my husband's desire to look elsewhere for sexual stimulation disappears almost entirely when I am more available to him physically. I have also discovered that a small cache of alluring (ahem!) pictures of ME are his favorite visual stimulation for the in between times. :D

 

Hope this helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not a leavable offence - something to talk over. If it were an occasional soft-porn magazine, it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

 

If it was something more serious, or internet stuff (which I believe to be much more insidious) and we disagreed but he consented to not use it any more, I'd accept that willingly, for all his many wonderful qualities (including being willing to go with my wishes on this).

 

Laura

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Haven't read the other posts--but I think I would deal with it as with any addiction. I take "in sickness and in health" very, very seriously. If it became impossible to live with him because of it, I would seek counsel and possibly move out, but always with the idea of moving toward reconciliation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Doesn't really bother me b/c it doesn't really impact our life. I mean, aside from the, um, impact at that particular time.

 

It did bother me for a short time when my dd's were babies and toddlers. I had back-to-back pregnancies and my self-esteem took a big hit. Otoh, dh had a dw who was way too exhausted and stressed out for 'tea'! Once I figured out how to talk about it, we both felt a lot better.

 

After 9 years together, we have (what we feel is) a healthy amount of good brewed tea, with an acceptable amount of fake instant garbage to be used in a pinch. ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Male POV:

 

It's important to recognize that men and women respond in different ways to erotic stimulation. Women tend to reach romance novels and watch romantic comedies. Men enjoy visual stimulation more. (I know this is a huge generalization that doesn't begin to encompass the variety of human sexual behavior.)

 

IMO, neither of these is damaging in and of itself, but they can be. For example, a woman might develop unrealistic expectations that a relationship will be all about romantic proclamations, tender kisses, and bouquets of roses. No mention of messy diapers and arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

 

Porn has well-known and well-discussed dangers, as mentioned above. But I can't imagine why a woman would want to divorce an otherwise good husband because she caught him looking at a naked woman.

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

Now obviously, there are extreme cases that get attention and I have no sympathy for people who view humiliating and degrading sexual acts as a way of achieving sexual stimulation. That opinion X 10 for the worthless, disgusting excuses for men who view child pornography.

 

Extreme cases aside, my question is this? How does your husband treat you? Does he treat you with respect and love? Is he showing addictive tendencies and is he using fantasy images to replace real life relationships? In that case, this is something serious that needs to be dealt with.

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Watching porn is equal to having an affair IMO. Lusting after someone visually and fantasizing is the same as doing it in the flesh. Would I leave if porn was an issue? Yes. I would. I can't compete with that smut, nor do I want to. I want my husband to think about me, to think about us, not some made-up victim of lust who has boob jobs, liposuction, a make-up artist, fake hair, just the right lighting and has possibly been airbrushed to hide her stretch marks. It's not real. I can't compete. I won't. DH watched it once after my dd was born, and we sought counselling. He has not watched it since, has vowed to talk to me before a temptation leads to actual action, and is uncomfortable around any scantilly clad anything. Again, if it became an issue, meaning repeated offenses, yes, I would leave. But the one instance we've endured has actually made us stronger, more open, more communicative, closer than if it hadn't happened. All things happen for a reason, and so we move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can we discuss how you have/do/would deal with porn in your marriage. First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages...

Unless the porn is something unacceptable like child porn, I would suggest that it isn't the porn viewing itself that breaks up the marriage, but the wife's issues with it. Two sides of the same coin, perhaps, but it is her issues and the arguments and guilt tripping that makes a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

 

Is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense?
No.
If not what are the consequences? How do you work it out?
There aren't any, really. It doesn't bother me unless he heads for the pixels instead of asking me, and that only happens when he thinks I'm unavailable. If I catch him at it when I might have been available, I feel a bit hurt and point out that he really ought to check instead of assuming! The pixels are then left without a viewer, lol.
What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter?
I learned to understand, and besides, he gets embarrassed when I catch him, which is pretty funny.
What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that.
I laugh and tell him that I've never know these declarations to last longer than three weeks. Though it's not me requesting, it's something he decides every now and then when he thinks he's viewing too much. I wouldn't have a clue how much that is. He has the manners to be discrete.
Are there women who have no opinion on the matter or who just don't have a problem with it?
Not no problem, exactly. (Explained below)

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

 

The positives of the pixel collection. I know to dh, they aren't women. They are pixels arranged to look like women. They take care of him when I'm unavailable. I'd rather that than polygamy!

 

I think a habit of viewing porn makes a person more selfish and lazy when it comes to pleasing their partner. An image doesn't talk back, doesn't get into bad moods, doesn't have bad days. How can feeding a habit that encourages selfishness and laziness bring anything but irritation and grief to a relationship?

 

That is the definite downside. It doesn't affect our relationship outside the bedroom, but it sure affects it inside. Pixels may turn on at the push of a button but unfortunately I don't. I think porn programmess guys to expect that at a subconscious level. We went to sex counselling years ago, which helped quite a bit, but this would still be a problem except for two things. The baby and the toddler ;) Heheh. Bit hard to "study" with those guys around!

 

Rosie

Edited by Rosie_0801
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

That is the definite downside. It doesn't affect our relationship outside the bedroom, but it sure affects it inside. Pixels may turn on at the push of a button but unfortunately I don't. I think porn programmess guys to expect that at a subconscious level.
:iagree:Rosie, you almost always say just the right thing!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband gave up porn long before I met him. He now mentors young men and trains them to let go of porn- as in, he teaches them that it is an addiction and it feeds itself, and makes ordinary women seem inadequate. He reckons men get obsessive about it because they train themselves to- he seems to be a rare man who doesn't get visually stimulated that way- but my understanding is that it took a wanting to let it go and some self discipline.

OUr son is begnning to get interested. Dh doesnt take a moral or shaming approach- we also are not Christian- just lets him know he can check what he has been looking at on the computer and there are sights he better not be looking at (there's porn and there's porn). And, he better not be showing any of his friends. I am pretty sure dh will discourage it and perhaps forbid it, but I am leaving this one up to him as I feel he has a pretty healthy attitude to it. Which seems rare, actually.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it?

 

My husband and I have discussed porn before. I think you have to start by differentiating between something like Playboy and something like really hard-core, violent porn. Although I am not at all in favor of porn in any way, I do understand what my husband said to me: Men are wired differently than women and are predisposed to visual stimulation in a way that women aren't. Looking at naked women is pleasurable.

 

Ok, I can understand that. My husband doesn't look at porn because he knows it's offensive to me and he respects that. Before we knew one another (and maybe after we met, who knows?) he used to buy an occasional Playboy. I think it's gross but my husband isn't and never was a porn addict. My dad used to subscribe to Playboy. He isn't and never was a porn addict or sexually deviant.

 

FWIW, my husband understands my reasons for disliking porn, even something as "tame" as Playboy, even if he doesn't agree with me completely. I believe that, just like someone can drink a few beers every once in a while and not be an alcoholic, someone can look at porn occasionally and not be a demented freak or a porn addict.

 

Tara

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We have a box up in our closet labeled "For adults only!" Most of it is DW#2's, but some is DH's. I personally don't have any problem with porn (I prefer written erotica myself, being less visually oriented than either of them). It doesn't get pulled out much, but it wouldn't be there if no one enjoyed it.

 

DH also has a subscription to Playboy, which in my view isn't so much porn as it is the male version of Cosmo. I actually like reading Playboy, too. They do really good interviews of celebrities and prominent people, and in-depth current events/investigative articles. There's more meat to it than to something like Cosmo, imo, a few nude pictures notwithstanding.

 

Anyway, porn CAN be a problem for some people. If it becomes habitual to the point of interfering with marital relations, or interferes with a single man developing healthy relationships in the first place, it's a problem. That's not the case in my household.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can we discuss how you have/do/would deal with porn in your marriage. First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense? If not what are the consequences? How do you work it out? What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter? What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that. Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it? Are there women who have no opinion on the matter or who just don't have a problem with it?

 

Feel free to mention anything else that you may find relavent to the conversation. All input is welcome but we are non-Christians so appeals to Christian authority would not be particularly pertinent to to dealing with this issue in our family. Male input is definitely welcome as it may be particularly enlightening.

 

 

I have no problem with looking at porn. A problem would be if the porn replaces any part of our relationship. I suppose I have an internal line that I wouldn't want crossed. There are extremes in porn that offend me, but your regular run-of-the-mill porn does not bother me.

 

Bottom line: it isn't an issue in our relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Viewing porn is not grounds for leaving, in my book. Unless I felt there were addictive tendencies being revealed, or that the porn was merely a symptom of other, deeper issues in the marriage, I wouldn't even get involved in trying to determine consequences. That doesn't mean I love the idea of "soft porn", or even remotely condone it, but the thought of consequences seems inappropriate in this case. He's not my child.

 

The reasoning behind my above sentiments is that, yes, intellectually, I understand why men might view porn (KingM's post captures this). Still, as a woman, I can't quite come to terms with it emotionally. I imagine that it represents betrayal or dissatisfaction, even though there has been no evidence of this from my husband. So, I strive to focus on what I see and feel between us rather than what I see or feel about the choice to view porn. What's important is that I feel loved, respected, supported, and desired in a healthy fashion, not that we feel differently about porn.

 

That said, I find that my husband's desire to look elsewhere for sexual stimulation disappears almost entirely when I am more available to him physically. I have also discovered that a small cache of alluring (ahem!) pictures of ME are his favorite visual stimulation for the in between times. :D

 

Hope this helps.

 

Your counsel is always so wise and you always seem to say exactly what I need to hear in the way I need to hear it, usually with a touch of humor.

 

It is so nice to see you post. We don't hear from you near enough on the board these days. Hope you are doing well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Male POV:

 

It's important to recognize that men and women respond in different ways to erotic stimulation. Women tend to reach romance novels and watch romantic comedies. Men enjoy visual stimulation more. (I know this is a huge generalization that doesn't begin to encompass the variety of human sexual behavior.)

 

IMO, neither of these is damaging in and of itself, but they can be. For example, a woman might develop unrealistic expectations that a relationship will be all about romantic proclamations, tender kisses, and bouquets of roses. No mention of messy diapers and arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

 

Porn has well-known and well-discussed dangers, as mentioned above. But I can't imagine why a woman would want to divorce an otherwise good husband because she caught him looking at a naked woman.

 

With many marriages there might be a time when the husband is driven to sexual frustration by a wife who is menstruating, or has recently given birth, is ill, out of town, or simply going through a period of low desire. Wouldn't a woman prefer that her husband take care of his needs discretely rather than visiting prostitutes or taking a mistress? I'm not saying those are the only choices, but I'm guessing this is what is behind a lot of casual porn viewing on the part of husbands.

 

Now obviously, there are extreme cases that get attention and I have no sympathy for people who view humiliating and degrading sexual acts as a way of achieving sexual stimulation. That opinion X 10 for the worthless, disgusting excuses for men who view child pornography.

 

Extreme cases aside, my question is this? How does your husband treat you? Does he treat you with respect and love? Is he showing addictive tendencies and is he using fantasy images to replace real life relationships? In that case, this is something serious that needs to be dealt with.

 

Thanks for responding, King. I really appreciate the male POV especially since I so rarely (living in a house full of girls) get to hear it in a non-intimate context. You are a wise man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense?

No

If not what are the consequences?

Alot of crying and hurt feelings on my part and guilt guilt guilt on his.

How do you work it out?

I chucked all of his skin rags, we have a no porn on the internet law (rule shmool, it's a law), and we have one video tape of porn. I despise that video and will dance on its ruined carcass the day the VCR eats it. Until then, it's an "emergency only" thing.

What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter? What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that.

We agree that it's not good for either of us. However, he doesn't watch it, for the most part, because he knows how I feel about it. That bothers me some, but not as much as if he watched it regardless of my feelings.

Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it?

Visual stimulation. It's not as though they're there for the plot or the story line or that artistry.

 

 

I was gone Wed. - Sat., he watched his little video, to help him sleep :glare:, because he missed me sooooo much. I'm irritated and hurt, but .... well, I'll choose my battles and if keeping that one video keeps him happy enough to NOT buy new porn (or search it out), then that's good enough for me.

 

The internet porn ended, the day I found out about it. I hit the roof. I asked how HE would feel about me doing some searches, how he would feel about me mentally cheating on him every.single.time. he left the house. The war raged for about a week. Then, I did some searches (gross), then he decided he didn't like internet porn after all.

 

Your POV sounds the closest to my own. I will answer my own questions as soon as I can and elaborate on my feelings a bit there. Thanks for answering.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We have a box up in our closet labeled "For adults only!" Most of it is DW#2's, but some is DH's. I personally don't have any problem with porn (I prefer written erotica myself, being less visually oriented than either of them). It doesn't get pulled out much, but it wouldn't be there if no one enjoyed it.

 

Help me out here. Is DW#2 a previous wife and you are some subsequent wife or does your hubby have another wife? Just curious and maybe confused. :confused:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man who isn't disturbed by the issues surrounding porn troubles me, to be quite honest. (There isn't any such thing as "Free Trade" porn that's guaranteed not to feature underage girls or women who aren't being coerced in some way, either physically or psychologically; read a few bios of porn "stars"--even "soft" ones.)

 

A leaving offense? No, not necessarily. But defintely something to make note of, and watch. It could certainly fuel other 'offenses'.

 

As someone else said, the possible ensuing internal relationship issues should also be a matter for concern.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Help me out here. Is DW#2 a previous wife and you are some subsequent wife or does your hubby have another wife? Just curious and maybe confused. :confused:

 

I know I saw her post somewhere about her partners, it was an off hand remark but combined with this one I thought it was a polygamy situation, but I am not sure and could be WAY off base and didn't want to be the one to ask.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(There isn't any such thing as "Free Trade" porn that's guaranteed not to feature underage girls or women who aren't being coerced in some way, either physically or psychologically; read a few bios of porn "stars"--even "soft" ones.)

 

 

I believe that. I've known four strippers, and three of them were sexually abused before they started stripping. Dh says that many women in the sex industry are hurting, trying to find acceptance through that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think different people have different definitions of porn. I do not consider Playboy porn nor certain movies... Anyway, I don't consider it a leaveable offense. Internet porn would be different. Movies, magazines are okay. I understand that he is wired differently than I am. I try very hard to understand him as a man. It's okay. No big deal. It would bother me much more if he were doing it behind my back, but as it is, I'm with him. And I'm the one he sleeps with every night.

 

If a wife says absolutely not, I won't have it, then the husband might be more apt to do it behind her back.

 

Janet

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, I hear so much about porn breaking up marriages so I am wondering, is your dh looking at porn a leavable offense?

 

Not unless it involved abuse or addiction. The reason I ask is that the only time I ever hear it discussed is when it is a problem for the marriage and/or the wife is leaving. This made me wonder if it just isn't a problem for anyone else, or if it is only a problem for a certain subset of the population, or perhaps only in certain circumstances. I guess that I am just trying to understand it from a sociological POV.

 

 

If not what are the consequences?

 

Ok, my hubby is an adult and I would like to be mature and say that there is no consequences for this behavior but the truth of the matter is that it bothers me to a certain extent and therefore it does effect our marriage.

 

 

How do you work it out?

 

To my hubby's credit, as much to my preference as I will allow. I have no problem with erotica even if it is pretty explicit, or fantisizing, or nudity so I am ok with magazines. However, I find live action degrading, humilitating and abusive. Therefore, I am not ok with this aspect.

 

I do not want my children exposed to live action so I do not allow it in my house. No videos and not on the internet. My hubby is also a traveling computer consultant and his laptop is his work computer so obviously not there either. Now, if he can somehow find access to this through some other means, well I guess I take a, "Don't ask, don't tell." approach.

 

 

What if you have a complete difference of opinion on the matter?

 

Intellectually I understand that married adults do not have to agree on every matter and since we have worked out how to handle our differences it should be a non-issue.

 

 

What if your dh agrees to physically do as you request but you know that he feels differently on the matter, how do you handle that.

 

He does as I request and is otherwise an wonderful hubby but I know how he feels about this and when I think about it does bother me. I try not to think of it and most of the time I succeed but when the subject comes up on the board, well then I think of it.

 

 

Is there anyone out there that intellectually understands why men view porn but still have emotional issues with it?

 

To tell the truth, this is where the problem comes in. I know that men are visually stimulated so I understand why they get aroused when they see an attractive woman. What I don't understand is why they go out of their way to get aroused when they are not already? In other words, why look at porn if they are not already aroused? I also understand that when they get aroused they want to resolve that and that wives are not always available or willing. I realize that physical stimulation is not always enough to accomplish their goals but honestly have they no imagination. Does the written word not work, or perhaps a picture? Why the need for live action porn? All of those things seemed to work just fine for men of a generation ago, why does today's man need so much more visual stimualtion? Men say it makes things easier but if it isn't easy, maybe it's not neccessary. I worry about the escalation. What will our children be looking at in 20 years? I just feel like I have to be missing something. Either that or I am trying to rationalize behavior that I have no way of truly understanding.

 

 

Are there women who have no opinion on the matter or who just don't have a problem with it? This part was just curiosity.

 

My hubby and I have been married about 19 years now and together a little longer. This was a serious issue for us for a period of time earlier in our marriage. Not a leaving offense but it was certainly driving a wedge between us offense. For the most part, we have worked through the issues and come to a solution that seems to work for us. It is not what either of us would prefer but what each of us can tolerate. And as I said, most of the time I don't give it any thought but when it comes up here then I revisit the issue in my head. Thanks all for sharing your stories and opinions with me.

 

ETA: Here is a link to a previous post of mine also dealing with this issue: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1021401#post1021401

Edited by KidsHappen
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would have no problem with porn, if only, the women were natural (not fake exaggerations, all those plastic parts and there was at least some kind of story :lol:). But, I think like much in U.S. "pop" culture, little in the genre is natural, it all seems contrived.

 

You know, I think I would have less problem with it as well. Real people in real situations, yes I could understand that but there is nothing remotely real about the current porn available today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I refuse to say XYZ would be a "deal breaker." We've been married a long time and life is complicated and marriage is a work in progress always so I don't like to be emphatic. I always believe in trying to let go of things that aren't important, so if this isn't important to another woman, I think that's great.

 

But I also can't imagine agreeing to disagree over my husband looking at other women naked. It just wouldn't be okay with me. It also wouldn't be okay with him if I wanted to appear naked for other men - we probably couldn't agree to disagree on that either.

Edited by Danestress
Link to comment
Share on other sites

DH also has a subscription to Playboy, which in my view isn't so much porn as it is the male version of Cosmo. I actually like reading Playboy, too. They do really good interviews of celebrities and prominent people, and in-depth current events/investigative articles. There's more meat to it than to something like Cosmo, imo, a few nude pictures notwithstanding.

 

This is funny because my uncle has been interviewed by Playboy a few times. He is a former FBI agent who did undercover work with the mafia in Chicago and has done a lot of work investigating the shooting of JFK. He will buy the magazine and make copies of the articles (with appropriate sections blacked out) to send to my mom and dad. So they really are reading it for the articles. :lol:

 

Another thing that is interesting about magazines like Cosmo and others, I remember someone saying that models in many of those magazines use the same poses and facial expressions as girls in porn magazines. They are just wearing slightly more clothing. Now I can't look at a women's magazine without seeing that in some of the advertisements. I think the porn industry has a bigger affect on our society than we even realize.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Help me out here. Is DW#2 a previous wife and you are some subsequent wife or does your hubby have another wife? Just curious and maybe confused. :confused:

 

DH effectively has two wives, yes. Though technically we're a menage a trois (household of three), or polyamorous triad, rather than a polygyny.

 

I know I saw her post somewhere about her partners, it was an off hand remark but combined with this one I thought it was a polygamy situation, but I am not sure and could be WAY off base and didn't want to be the one to ask.

 

Yeah, pretty much. :D

 

Another thing that is interesting about magazines like Cosmo and others, I remember someone saying that models in many of those magazines use the same poses and facial expressions as girls in porn magazines. They are just wearing slightly more clothing. Now I can't look at a women's magazine without seeing that in some of the advertisements. I think the porn industry has a bigger affect on our society than we even realize.

 

I don't think it's so much a direct influence of the porn industry on society per se, as that the same sexualization of popular culture that has given the porn industry greater freedom, legitimacy, and leeway has also resulted in the more sexualized images seen in popular culture. Both the women in Cosmo and the women in Playboy are majorly photoshopped; these kinds of images can give men and women BOTH unrealistic expectations of what women's bodies should be like, resulting in men being unable to be satisfied with the real thing sexually, and women having poor body image, leading to addictions and eating disorders, etc. Mens' fitness magazines can have the same effect, though to a somewhat lesser extent--there's not as much emphasis on looks as on performance when it comes to mens' physicality.

 

Being able to recognize such images for what they are--stylized, idealized, unrealistic and not representative of average people--is important in learning to be media savvy and the development of healthy self esteem and sexuality in young people.

 

That doesn't mean such images won't remain pleasing to the eyes of many.

 

I noticed no one has yet mentioned animated porn. It's quite popular in Japan, partly because strict censorship laws there curtail live-action porn video/movies. DH is a big anime buff, and his collection includes some of this genre. I also knew quite a few guys when I was in the Navy who were into it. Some of it is pretty far out, but one could argue that regardless no actual people are being hurt and degraded in the making of that sort of porn--though if anything the issues of real expectations vs. idealized images become even more pronounced.

 

And there ARE women who like porn; I can think of at least one occasion when I walked into the women's berthing on my ship and there was a "training video" playing. I ignored it and went to my rack; I figured at least it wasn't The Runaway Bride, The Lion King 2, or The South Park Movie for the gajillionth time. They wouldn't have gotten away with it if the consensus of the women there at the time wasn't either were interested or didn't care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DH effectively has two wives, yes. Though technically we're a menage a trois (household of three), or polyamorous triad, rather than a polygyny.

 

 

Interesting. Where do you live? Have you shared your story with us here on this board? I would love to hear more about this arrangement and how it works.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The internet porn ended, the day I found out about it. I hit the roof. I asked how HE would feel about me doing some searches, how he would feel about me mentally cheating on him every.single.time. he left the house. The war raged for about a week. Then, I did some searches (gross), then he decided he didn't like internet porn after all.

 

I have also done some searches that caused my hubby to see things from my POV. I guess a picture really is worth a thousand words as these pictures were able to communicate something to him that no amount of my talking could accomplish.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't take exception to porn, per se. I would take exception to anything that caused my husband to interact with me in a negative way. I would also take exception to anything my husband felt he had to hide from me; that would be a huge red flag regarding the communication and respect in our marriage. I think doing anything you feel you have to hide from your spouse is a breech of trust.

 

If I had strong feelings about it, I would expect him to respect that, just as I do in any other difference of opinion; we discuss and either come to a compromise or one of us agrees to defer to the other's position.

 

Of course, I am the wife who, when my husband calls from a conference out of state and tells me some of the other guys were talking about going to a strip club, reminds him to tip the girls if he goes.

Edited by MyCrazyHouse
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think every marriage has to be considered independently. Some couples could surely work through any kind of issue that was becoming a wedge between them. The success of their marriage would depend on their commitment to each other and their willingness to work toward healthy balance. I am speaking from personal experience here, and honestly trying to be kind.

If the wife (or husband) feels their moral foundation has been shaken by their spouse desiring to look at porn, it can have devastating results on their union. How can a marriage be strong when one soul is being crushed by the actions of the other who refuses to accept the responsibility?

This is a deeper issue of a violation of a personal sense of right and wrong and what is appropriate and honorable. What happened to respect? What happened to a sacrificial giving of oneself for their spouse? Communication isn't as effective if one party dominates the other.

I think there is a 'heart issue' that goes beneath the whole porn issue. Why is the husband feeling the need to seek out these images? If his normal needs and desires are being met already, doesn't this further seeking for gratification imply that he has a problem with self control? Pride? Selfishness? Boredom? Maybe just laziness and wanting to 'have their cake and eat it, too'? I realize these comments won't be very popular. :tongue_smilie:

I think most men are living vicariously through the porn they are looking at. They put themselves in that picture and imagine being with that person. They see that form in their mind's eye long after they've put the magazine away. This connects them to the images, and the heart and mind are full of self-serving desires. This is why a casual looking often leads to more looking, never being satisfied. A man that cannot physically control and re channel his desire for a few short days during his wife's monthly cycle or when she's just honestly too exhausted to be responsive is looking for excuses to be a weak, self-serving person IMO, who is using that as a reason for justifying his lack of self control. Which leads to more seeking...more images being filed in his mind...which leads to a lack of full satisfaction with his spouse...and the destructive cycle goes on and on. How can viewing porn be an innocent part of married life ? I just can't believe that any woman is really happy about their dh seeing other bodies besides hers. Where is the enticing mystery of marital relations then? Where is the specialness if saving one's most intimate moments for their beloved only? I don't want to sound preachy. I guess I'm just saddened that so many are alright with their marriages being filled with subtle 'cracks in the armor'.

I don't think it is a healthy habit to constantly feed the fleshly side of a person with food from another person, even if it's just a picture on glossy paper. Off my podium now...no rotten tomatoes, please!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Huh. I dunno. I guess, other factors such as our personal interaction notwithstanding, I would look at it (in the vein of your feeding desires comment) like eating a Snickers bar. The candy doesn't detract from my overall commitment to nutritious, whole foods. I wouldn't commence to measuring everything else I eat or serve against the Snickers. You know?

 

And, frankly, after 12 years and birthing three babes, I think it's safe to say there isn't a whole lot of "mystery" left here. Love and attraction, yes. Mystery? Not so much.

 

I completely agree, though, that if one spouse felt as if their moral foundation was being shaken, that is reason enough to put a stop to any behavior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...