Help me pass the bean dip... it's going to be a long week.

[Kay in Cal]

OK, we are visiting out in Williamsburg, Virginia. We came out for a family wedding, but mostly because my sister in law would be here with her 2 month old baby, and we haven't been able to get to Chicago to see him.

 

Background: My sil/bil are nothing like us. I'm family oriented, stay at home, geeky, poor... they are work and success oriented, sophisticated, rich. Slobby/well-dressed, diet coke/fine wine, Christian/Jewish, fat/thin, family restaurant/$300 tasting menu, ... we are a study in opposites. It would be funny, if it weren't so constantly awkward.

 

I was really hopeful that perhaps her being a mom would give us something in common. Nope. I'm attachment parenting, homeschooling, family oriented, etc, etc.... they are Feberizing thier baby, and their pediatrician is even the Dr. Wise who wrote Babywise. The one I always turn backwards on the shelf. Ugh. She's got the new nanny picked out ("she can provide him with so much that I just can't"), and is happily returning to her high-powered job in a week. I haven't yet entered into discussion about applying for the high-powered preschool, but it's coming, I can feel it...

 

Our boys are constantly getting in trouble this week (including me) from all the grownups because we all have to be silent for the baby. All. The. Time. My dh just got lectured by his mom because "his sister won't want to come visit them if our boys are too disruptive". Yeah, well, I won't want to come visit if we have to walk on eggshells all the time. They are five and seven year old boys. They do make some noise.

 

Admission: I love babies. LOVE them. I love the way they smell, I don't mind if they cry. This one is no exception. He's adorable. In a "please don't even glance at me because my parents might just have a heart attack" sort of way.

 

It isn't the baby. We've got seven more days of tiptoeing around the delicate flower that is my sil. Reality check: The woman is a CFO at a major international bank you have all heard of (one of the ones that is still solvent), she fires hordes of underlings with a wave of her hand and they drop and give her 50 if she looks askance... I think she can handle it. But no, her place in the family is the vulnerable little girl who is just so overwhelmed that we all must serve her.

 

I feel like I'm in one of those semi-humorous movies about family culture clash. I've got 7 more days here. Please, please, please... help me pass the bean dip. I can do it, right? Right? I need to be compassionate and kind, and I'm just feeling really really grumpy. Humph.

[Holly IN]

You made it a lot further than what I would have. Believe I would not have lasted a day. My sil got so mad at me one Christmas which blew the whole thing out of proportion into the next 6 months of being a black sheep of the family. :glare:

 

Keep it up!! I really do feel for you. I would have snapped already!!

 

Holly

[tex-mex]

I've never heard of Dr. Wise? Ezzo wrote the book called Babywise. He also did the Growing Kids God's Way series. We raised our only child using the Babywise and GKGW...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Baby-Wise-Reference-Worldwide/dp/0971453209

 

...looking back, the regimentation and adherance to feeding and naps helped save his life according to our docs. (Son has a rare genetic disease... long story) But, if I remember (this is 13 years ago...) the books all recommend putting the baby to naps or sleep no matter what the noise level was. The baby has to adjust to YOUR life and environment... not the other way around. Son can sleep thru tornado sirens and thunderstorms now. LOL

Edited June 22, 2009 by tex-mex

[Cindyg]

their pediatrician is even the Dr. Wise who wrote Babywise.

 

Hold on! Here's something you can talk to them about: Dr. Wise didn't write Babywise. That was Gary Ezzo!

[Kay in Cal]

Hmmm... do you think I misheard? Could it be the Dr. who is second on the list, and that's not his name... she was just saying he's the "babywise" guy? Or even that he just really loves it? It wouldn't surprise me. I was starting to tune out at that point in a fit of attempted self-control. La la la la la....

Edited June 22, 2009 by Kay in Cal

[LG Gone Wild]

The nanny probably could provide what sil cannot. Oh well. It's only seven days of your life. You can do it!

 

Is this her first?

[tex-mex]

Hmmm... do you think I misheard? Could it be the Dr. who is second on the list, and that's not his name... she was just saying he's the "babywise" guy?

 

Dr. Wise? If he IS the guy called in by the publisher to co-author the book... then he is not the original author. I have a copy of GKGW from 1995 that lists Ezzo and his wife, a pediatric nurse as the authors. Basically, there was a huge bru-hahaa over the book. Lawsuits. And the publishers got in a new doc -- fresh out of residency to "oversee" the book back in '93. There were families against the Ezzos and Babywise/GKGW due to failure to thrive, feedings, spankings, etc. VERY controversial.

 

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2001/july8/12.20.html

 

But again, the schedule really helped our baby to live and now he is doing great! Go figure... LOL

Edited June 22, 2009 by tex-mex

[Rosie_0801]

I'd volunteer for the cooking and dishwashing. The more time I was in the kitchen being helpful, the less time I would have to engage in conversation.

 

Rosie

[BalanceSeeker]

What a fascinating family dynamic :grouphug:

 

There is probably not much you can say in terms of a one-liner to defend your lifestyle. They either appreciate it or they don't. In some respects, living simply as you are can eventually be very appealing to some who are over-achievers from a worldly view (I am a convert).

 

I say don't defend, just let your light shine. Take the boys outside when they are loud so they don't wake the baby and enjoy the outdoors. Everyone's happy.

 

Don't allow jobs/money/status/weight/school to define EITHER of you. You are both human beings doing the best you can for your families based on your personal value systems.

 

And yes, you'll get through it. In times like these (I have interesting in-laws), I try to focus on my personal actions and attitudes and just let the other party be. I always try to just be who I am and be accepting and forgiving.

 

Maybe you can even turn it into a novel :001_smile:

[Kay in Cal]

Her first. Maybe her only. For years she swore she didn't ever want children, but I think it was very important to bil.

 

My dh was convinced that she would have a transformation when the baby was born, just be converted to a really engaged mom. Thier mom (my mil) was a dedicated SAHM, very "momly", and my dh just couldn't imagine that his sister wouldn't love parenting as much as he does. He's a SAHD, and I think he got all the nurturing genes. I think I really got hopeful on behalf of my dh as well.

[Kay in Cal]

With a name like Balanceseeker, it's got to be good!

 

I know you are so right. This is perfect advice.

[LG Gone Wild]

Between your mil and the nanny, the baby will get some warm fuzzies. My sis is the same as your sil. It really just cannot be helped.

[Sonshine]

I'd go with the boys need to run around and play somewhere else so they won't disturb the baby, and then take them somewhere even if it's just riding the elevator in a fancy place or running up and down the back staff stairs - of course, outside in a green area if that's a choice. You'll look considerate and get a break at the same time. Is there a pool where you're staying? If so, I'd be hanging out at the pool a lot with them. If you can think of a few things you would both like to do and have your husband watch the boys for a couple of shorter outings(not all day outings), that might be nice just to be nice to her. And you might make those something where you don't have to talk a lot - like a movie. You might want to avoid eating out with just her, or her and your MIL - you may feel trapped.

[LibraryLover]

Spread the lurve, people. :grouphug: This could get to sounding like a Mommy Class War in the making. I don't think you have to be all gah gah mushy to be a loving parent. Plenty of healthy, happy children have had good nannies. Plus greatly loved by their parents, to boot. Ya know, I can't a imgaine a nice Jewish mother :D taking someone like Ezzo to heart. Ferber and Ezzo are not the same. Ferber advises against CIO for newborns, anyway. You can't make her be the kind of mother you are. And she really doesn't need to be. She can find her way just as we all have, everyone of us imperfect.

 

I would keep the kids out and busy as much as I could. Be generous of heart; let her have her newborn -mother pampering. If her life has been work all these years, this is a huge big deal, even if it isn't for others. Unless she is telling you you're an idiot for living your life the way you choose, you should be as kind as possible. If she is telling you that you're too poor, too fat and too unknowing of fine wine to be a good mother, then let the games begin. (No, I'm kidding! Be gracious, love your brother, if you do, but get out as quckly as you can).

Edited June 22, 2009 by LibraryLover

[elise1mds]

You made it a lot further than what I would have. Believe I would not have lasted a day. My sil got so mad at me one Christmas which blew the whole thing out of proportion into the next 6 months of being a black sheep of the family. :glare:

 

Keep it up!! I really do feel for you. I would have snapped already!!

 

Holly

 

:iagree:

 

Good luck, girl! I can't imagine a week like that. I could never, ever keep my mouth shut for that long, and I certainly wouldn't make my kids suffer for her highness' sake. If you can do it, I want to know the secret to your infinite self-control!

[camibami]

Woah. I think you and I sound pretty similar, and I think it might r-e-a-l-l-y be tough for me to spend a week with them!

 

You can do it. Vent here, not there.;)

 

:grouphug: (YOu are going to need these!!)

[gardenschooler]

You can do it, Kay. I don't know that I could, but I know you can! :grouphug:

 

It does sound like a movie, though. Take notes, just in case. If it all goes south (further still) maybe you can recoup this couple of weeks of your life with a sweet movie deal.

 

And that's too bad about making you guys feel you can't get to know the baby. She'll come to regret that.

[joannqn]

I think I'd get out of the house with the kids as much as I could...for both their sanity and mine...if not simply leave and go home.

 

I follow much of the same type of parenting that you've mentioned. I'd be a wreck if I had to be at that house. I've had to leave situations because I just can't listen to a baby, even an older one, cry without being attended to. It breaks my heart, and I end up crying right alone with the child.

[PineFarmMom]

I'd volunteer for the cooking and dishwashing. The more time I was in the kitchen being helpful, the less time I would have to engage in conversation.

 

Rosie

 

This is always my response when in tense famiy situations! I can hole up that way and have to speak to no one, then no one can say I'm a recluse because I've gone to the bedroom to hide and read a book. ;) Then if I do hide and read the book, I've earned my right by "slaving" in the kitchen. :D

[Snickerdoodle]

I'd go with the boys need to run around and play somewhere else so they won't disturb the baby, and then take them somewhere even if it's just riding the elevator in a fancy place or running up and down the back staff stairs - of course, outside in a green area if that's a choice. You'll look considerate and get a break at the same time. Is there a pool where you're staying? If so, I'd be hanging out at the pool a lot with them.

 

Actually, it would peeve me a bit if I had to make 7 & 5 yo boys quiet ALL THE TIME. It's just physically not possible. I agree with Sonshine. Take your boys out.

[Carrie12345]

I say get a pen out (or open MS Word) and start writing a screenplay. ;)

 

My family's dynamics aren't quite the same, but my soon-to-be-mommy sister and I have chosen drastically different styles, and our other sister is likely to go in a whole different direction as well. I keep telling myself I should write about it and turn lemons into cash, lol.

 

:grouphug:

[JFSinIL]

Carrie1234 beat me to it! I was going to also ask if you were taking notes for the screenplay!!!!!!

 

Just keep telling yourself how glad you are that you have made the choices you have for your family and kids. The alternative being flaunted under your nose this week looks too sad (in the long run).

 

Meanwhile . Keep the boys running all around Colonial Wmburg. If you are not going into the buildings, you do not have to pay. There are fireflies to catch at dusk, too, this time of year.

Edited June 22, 2009 by JFSinIL

[Mom-ninja.]

Um, does she know that Ferber was sued by a group of Drs because his baby training methods caused babies to be hospitalized due to dehydration? His methods are not safe.

[Alice]

Um, does she know that Ferber was sued by a group of Drs because his baby training methods caused babies to be hospitalized due to dehydration? His methods are not safe.

 

Off the subject but this wasn't Ferber. I think you're thinking of Ezzo, although I'm not sure he was sued either. Dr. Ferber wrote the book Solving Your Child Sleep Problems. I think it's unfortunate that his name has gotten associated with the verb "ferberizing" for having the baby cry at night. I'm not really a big fan of the cry it out method nor did I use it with my own kids, but I did go to a lecture by Dr. Ferber and was impressed by how he actually advocates a much more balanced approach than is usually ascribed to him.

 

As to the OP, I'd agree with most of the others. Go out and see some of Virginia. :) Sounds like your SIL falls into the category of people who know everything there is to know about parenting right away and nothing you say will make a difference anyway. Unless she's openly criticizing you I'd probably just stay quiet for dh's sake and the sake of family harmony and have the satisfaction of knowing inside that I was being the bigger adult. And then not plan a vacation again where you have to stay with her. :)

[kalanamak]

 

I feel like I'm in one of those semi-humorous movies about family culture clash. I've got 7 more days here. Please, please, please... help me pass the bean dip. I can do it, right? Right? I need to be compassionate and kind, and I'm just feeling really really grumpy. Humph.

 

Daily fieldtrips....if only to mall.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Hi Kay, I'm sending you a pm.

[mommaduck]

It's only her first baby...so she thinks she knows it all right now. Sounds like a control freak and she is going to try to keep her perfect world just that, perfectly run, her way. Give her time and she'll either grow up or crack.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

oops double post

[Perry]

Off the subject but this wasn't Ferber. I think you're thinking of Ezzo, although I'm not sure he was sued either. Dr. Ferber wrote the book Solving Your Child Sleep Problems. I think it's unfortunate that his name has gotten associated with the verb "ferberizing" for having the baby cry at night. I'm not really a big fan of the cry it out method nor did I use it with my own kids, but I did go to a lecture by Dr. Ferber and was impressed by how he actually advocates a much more balanced approach than is usually ascribed to him.

 

 

After trying absolutely everything else, we used Ferber's book with my extremely colicky, sleep disordered dd. It was a life saver. It was a difficult week, but not nearly as traumatic as the preceding six months of bedtime h*ll.

[ConnieB]

Might be time to explore all that town has to offer....parks where your boys can be noisy boys.....museums, zoos, whatever there is to do while the baby sleeps. I'm sure MIL will object because you're supposed to be visiting her....but I'd remind MIL that your kids have needs to...and while you respect baby's need for quiet, your kids need activity. Invite her to come along and enjoy her other grandkids, but if not, go anyway. And keep telling yourself it's only a few more days! Depending on where you are, perhaps you can find away activities only while baby is sleeping (of course that's many hours each day, lol).

 

As for SIL being the big time high power executive but the wilting flower of the family....been there watched that with a number of friends....concluded that both are true. She's great at the high power stuff....but hasn't a CLUE for the mommy gig. They don't offer Mommy 101 at Harvard darrrrling. Sad thing is that many of these types (not saying SIL in particular, but if the shoe fits) have children because it's all part of the plan. 2.5 children by age 35 or whatever. Then those kids arrive and their behavior doesn't fit into the plan......oooo, spit up....oooo diapers.....no way am I staying home from work because Jr is barfing and the preschool says they won't take him, I've got a meeting! The reality check that all of us went through when our first born wasn't sleeping through the night at 3 weeks or potty trained by 1 year, lol. This is hard work, but WE stepped up and loved it.....she may not ever make it there. Different strokes for different folks, ya know. The comment about the Nanny was most telling wasn't it......at least be heartened that your sister KNOWS that the child needs more than she can (or is willing) to offer and is financially able to make it happen. It's not ideal, but with great luck the nanny will give the emotional well being that the child needs. Think of the alternative if your SIL isn't willing (or able) to be there for this child and couldn't hire a nanny to give him one-on-one attention.

 

Remember too that "in the old days" it was quite common for rich families to have a nanny, even though mom stayed home (or were out doing their charity work). And these nannies raised wonderful children.....many who became leaders in their field, and talked fondly about their nannies, and rarely about their mothers. Sad, but true.

 

Since you probably can't ever hope to change her, maybe the best thing you can do as Auntie is encourage/push/cajole things towards what's better for your nephew even if it's not what's best in your own heart. And a call each week to ask the Nanny how Jr is doing, and hoping that you can subtly influence Nanny into offering the child something closer than what is in your heart. I got lucky with one friend and helped her find a daycare in a home instead of a center....and it was someone I knew by reputation would be a positive influence both emotionally and educationally. That little one has been with that day care full time in infant/toddler and now before/after school care for K-3rd so far. The afterschool care is a lot more than watching tv so that pleases me! But I know I'd never in a million years convince the Mom to homeschool, or even to work part time to be there for her daughter after school. When I did suggest it, the laughter was almost maniacal. Mom's response was that her mom worked full time when she grew up and see what a success she had become.....daughter would follow in those footsteps. I bit my tongue wanting to point out that she had no relationship now with her mother, except the obligatory holiday meal visits. I want my own kids to be successful....financially certainly but more than that I want them to be emotionally successful. And that's an almost lost commodity in today's world. And some days, it's seems so impossible to make others see that, that I begin to wonder if I really am the one who is wrong. Then I remember my eldest who will be a teen by week's end, who still makes a beeline for me when she first awakes because she has to start the day with a several minute minimum hug/cuddle. And that my friends are lucky if their teen would even speak to them today. I'll take poor and loving over rich and distant for my children any day of the year. And happily be called names for it.

[nmoira]

:grouphug:

 

I have nothing useful to say, other than drinking anything in a mug can help because the mug gives you something to squeeze when you need a bit of release. Do not attempt over a glass of wine. :tongue_smilie:

[Hikin' Mama]

I don't have any advice to offer; I would have a hard time in that situation, too. :grouphug:

 

But your post made me laugh, because when I first read through it, I thought you said they were FEBREEZING the baby. You know, that smelly spray stuff that you freshen things up with. LOL I've never heard of Feberizing.

[bkpan]

Spread the lurve, people. :grouphug: This could get to sounding like a Mommy Class War in the making. I don't think you have to be all gah gah mushy to be a loving parent. Plenty of healthy, happy children have had good nannies. Plus greatly loved by their parents, to boot. Ya know, I can't a imgaine a nice Jewish mother :D taking someone like Ezzo to heart. Ferber and Ezzo are not the same. Ferber advises against CIO for newborns, anyway. You can't make her be the kind of mother you are. And she really doesn't need to be. She can find her way just as we all have, everyone of us imperfect.

 

I would keep the kids out and busy as much as I could. Be generous of heart; let her have her newborn -mother pampering. If her life has been work all these years, this is a huge big deal, even if it isn't for others. Unless she is telling you you're an idiot for living your life the way you choose, you should be as kind as possible. If she is telling you that you're too poor, too fat and too unknowing of fine wine to be a good mother, then let the games begin. (No, I'm kidding! Be gracious, love your brother, if you do, but get out as quckly as you can).

 

Thank you, thank you! :iagree:

 

It is so easy to judge other parents who parent differently that we do. And... chances are, (at least definitely for me!) we also parented our first little newborns differently than our other dc as our familes grew.

 

Lets enjoy the differences instead of feeling that we need to elevate how WE do it!!!

 

(just my .02, Ill leave now:leaving:)

 

Kim

 

P.S. Kay, I am not meaning you - just how this thread will tend to go!

Edited June 22, 2009 by bkpan
so it would make sense!

[Dobela]

I am so sorry. It is really difficult being around someone who is very different from yourself. I have family like that and extended visits are long, stressful, and well, not much fun.

 

Ihave to say though that we can't shouldn't villanize the woman because she parents different that us. Would I hire a nanny? Man, sometimes even though I homeschool, I would love to have a nanny to help out with the kids. Are all moms good stay at home moms? No. And many never have been or could be. At least she recognizes that she is better out working than being home with the kids. Can you imagine the resentment and frustrations that would occur if she had to stay home? I have no doubt she loves her child. She is just chosing a different lifestyle than most of the board members. My family member stayed home temporarily and while she loves her kids dearly, staying home was a nightmare.

[Kay in Cal]

Well, today was mixed. My boys spent a lot of time in the pool with me and with grandma. SIL hid out most of it. I haven't given any unwanted advice until today, even when tempted, but she was down in the kitchen complaining about not having any time to sleep, and I said that nursing while laying down and even napping might be a good thing to try... I'd show her how, if she wants. She said that she's read too many warnings about lying down with a baby, it isn't safe. So that ended that. I think she's pretty stressed out now too. She came down to dinner late, and it looked like she had been crying. I just dont' know what to do!

 

Most of the day was spent with them trying to get the baby to sleep. They spend a lot of time hoping he'll go to sleep when he doesn't want to. At night, I get that, because it means you can sleep... during the day, what's wrong with him being awake?

 

My mil bought my family tickets to Busch Gardens and the water park for the week, and it was strongly hinted that we ought to be out of the house for the rest of the week if possible. I'm so exhausted from moving, the last thing I want to do is six days straight of amusement parks. My dh is pretty hurt that we came out here specifically to see the baby, and we're being shunted off. However, he won't say that. So I am!

 

Off the the water park tomorrow. Sigh.

[TeacherZee]

:grouphug:

 

I have nothing useful to say, other than drinking anything in a mug can help because the mug gives you something to squeeze when you need a bit of release. Do not attempt over a glass of wine. :tongue_smilie:

 

Ahhh but you can drink wine in mugs:D I learned that in high school (Europe we were of legal drinking age) when we ran out of wine glasses at a party and used mugs and sugar bowls to drink out of :D

 

To the OP: Sorry your family are being so icky (sorry I am tired I can't be more eloquent than that):grouphug::grouphug:

[Garga]

Try your best to give her a break. Sounds like she's seriously sleep deprived.

 

It also sounds like she loves the baby and is scared of doing something wrong: ie afraid to sleep with the baby in case she hurts it, as she's been told will happen.

 

I certainly don't agree with her methods, but it sounds like she's trying to do the right thing by the baby. She's sacrificing her own sleep so that she doesn't nap while the baby nurses and roll on it; She's trying to get the baby to sleep in the day so it's rested. She's not really doing the right things, but she's trying!

 

I made about a billion mistakes with my first born (regarding sleeping and stuff like that), but was convinced I was right. Later, I learned that I was wrong. But I'm glad that everyone around me was gracious about my sleep-deprived mistakes.

 

And perhaps you're intimidating to her, being this motherly woman who is so involved with her kids. Maybe not, but maybe it is intimidating and she feels like she has to pretend she knows what she's doing or she'll look stupid in front of you.

 

Don't know. I usually err on the side of compassion and try to see the best in others before getting upset with them.

 

But I would be unhappy that I came all that way to see the baby and kept getting shunted away. Can anyone very quietly state that? Not as an accusation, but as a gentle request to be allowed to cuddle the baby for awhile? Or just refuse to leave. Just hang around the house and don't go anywhere and sort of get a faraway look on your face when someone asks you to leave and then putter around and never actually go anywhere.

 

Of course, I remember when I would finally get my sons to sleep and then the cat would start meowing or scratching at their door and wake them up and I'd feel such RAGE toward the cat for waking the baby after I'd spent sooo long trying to get the baby to sleep. I was especially enraged if I was trying to take a nap while the baby slept, and the cat ruined it. If you ever felt like that, try to remember it and then know she might be feeling that way if she finally (!) gets the baby to sleep and then the baby's nephews wake the baby.

 

Sorry...long and rambling...

[brehon]

Well, today was mixed. My boys spent a lot of time in the pool with me and with grandma. SIL hid out most of it. I haven't given any unwanted advice until today, even when tempted, but she was down in the kitchen complaining about not having any time to sleep, and I said that nursing while laying down and even napping might be a good thing to try... I'd show her how, if she wants. She said that she's read too many warnings about lying down with a baby, it isn't safe. So that ended that. I think she's pretty stressed out now too. She came down to dinner late, and it looked like she had been crying. I just dont' know what to do!

 

As hard as it is, let her find her way. Sooner or later she'll figure out something that saves her sanity.

 

Most of the day was spent with them trying to get the baby to sleep. They spend a lot of time hoping he'll go to sleep when he doesn't want to. At night, I get that, because it means you can sleep... during the day, what's wrong with him being awake?

 

My mil bought my family tickets to Busch Gardens and the water park for the week, and it was strongly hinted that we ought to be out of the house for the rest of the week if possible. I'm so exhausted from moving, the last thing I want to do is six days straight of amusement parks. My dh is pretty hurt that we came out here specifically to see the baby, and we're being shunted off. However, he won't say that. So I am!

 

Off the the water park tomorrow. Sigh.

 

Kay, if the wedding has already happened and you're staying in the [sounds like vain] hope of getting to know your sweet nephew, Go Home! You're exhausted; your dh (and probably you and the boys, too) are being hurt. If it's at all possible (and I'm speaking about financially only), please go. Tell MIL (or, better yet, have dh tell his mom) that it's obviously not a good time for her (MIL) to visit with his (your) family. And you'll try to plan a time when there aren't so many other things going on.

 

And I wouldn't feel the least bit of guilt about the Busch Gardens tix because that was something *mil* did, apparently without even consulting either of you. Don't feel like you HAVE to go to amusement parks for the next 6 days. Save your family's sanity and go home.

 

[You're probably a much nicer person than I am, though. One of the things that absolutely gets my back up is inconsiderate family/friends.] Anyway, regardless of what you and dh decide to do, good luck. And remember, just because MIL bought tickets doesn't mean *you* have to use them, unless *you* really want to, of course. ;)

[BalanceSeeker]

Well, today was mixed. My boys spent a lot of time in the pool with me and with grandma. SIL hid out most of it. I haven't given any unwanted advice until today, even when tempted, but she was down in the kitchen complaining about not having any time to sleep, and I said that nursing while laying down and even napping might be a good thing to try... I'd show her how, if she wants. She said that she's read too many warnings about lying down with a baby, it isn't safe. So that ended that. I think she's pretty stressed out now too. She came down to dinner late, and it looked like she had been crying. I just dont' know what to do!

 

Most of the day was spent with them trying to get the baby to sleep. They spend a lot of time hoping he'll go to sleep when he doesn't want to. At night, I get that, because it means you can sleep... during the day, what's wrong with him being awake?

 

My mil bought my family tickets to Busch Gardens and the water park for the week, and it was strongly hinted that we ought to be out of the house for the rest of the week if possible. I'm so exhausted from moving, the last thing I want to do is six days straight of amusement parks. My dh is pretty hurt that we came out here specifically to see the baby, and we're being shunted off. However, he won't say that. So I am!

 

Off the the water park tomorrow. Sigh.

 

Giiirlllll!

When two polar opposite families come together, three days is plenty of togetherness. A week is really pushing it.

 

I can relate to what your sil is going through. I had three babies who didn't sleep a wink at night and cried all the time. There are many things that can cause a first-time mom to go into overwhelm mode. Take the hint (i.e. tickets) that they need some space and enjoy the free park admission. Make some good memories out of this trip.

 

If it were me, I'd distance my family so that we weren't contributing to the emotional overwhelm (unintentionally, of course!). Those post-pregnancy-decline-of-progesterone hormones can be pretty miserable. I'd get as far away as you can, having been one of those women :D.

 

You sound like a very caring, loving sil who wants to do the right thing. (You wanna come visit me?) Giving them space is clearly what they need right now, even though it wasn't what your dh had envisioned for this ever so well-intentioned trip.

[melissel]

Oh Kay, your story's making me sick to my stomach, because I'd feel the same way you do. I do think Garga made a good point, that maybe you're intimidating her (or maybe you're not, but still, it's a way to find a little compassion for her). I also agree with brehon: Go home! I would be annoyed too, about being shunted off. I do understand where they're coming from, but if you're not really getting to see the baby or enjoying spending the time with family anyway, go ahead home and relax, and let them find their own way for now. Do what you need to do for YOUR family.

 

Big :grouphug:

[katemary63]

You've received some great advice. I second the "go home" idea. I'm not sure why you are staying there so long....??

 

The only other thought I had is that being exposed to a situation like this can foster genuine appreciation for the life you have, your DH, your kids and God's blessings for you. I have hidious ILs. I have learned to actually appreciate spending a little time with them, because it helps me to feel blessed beyond words. It gives me such respect and admiration for my DH ( how did he turn out so wonderful????) and it brings me to a place of pure gratitude to God for the life he has provided for me and my family. So, looking at it from that perspective, I can actually just sit and relax, watch the insanity around me and be at peace, knowing I can't change it, I don't have to participate in it, I have nothing to do with it and I am blessed NOT to be similar.

[teamturner]

What I'm wondering is if the wedding has already happened, why THEY don't go home? If I had a newborn that wasn't sleeping well, I'd want to be at my own home!!! It would stress me out completely if I was dealing with that and had the entire family around me. Yikes!

 

If they don't go home, then you should. This is not proving to be a good time for family bonding. I don't even understand why sil and her family came for such a long trip with a such a little baby. :confused:

[LibraryLover]

What I'm wondering is if the wedding has already happened, why THEY don't go home? If I had a newborn that wasn't sleeping well, I'd want to be at my own home!!! It would stress me out completely if I was dealing with that and had the entire family around me. Yikes!

 

If they don't go home, then you should. This is not proving to be a good time for family bonding. I don't even understand why sil and her family came for such a long trip with a such a little baby. :confused:

 

 

I know! I can't even imagine being post partum and being out & on display. It took me quite few weeks until I felt ready for the world after I had my first. That particular baby was a terrible nurser (small, and a couple of weeks early) and it made everything that much more difficult.

[Ravin]

If she's really that nervous about laying down with the baby, you can still reinforce the old "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice. That works even when the baby is in the crib and mama's in the bed.

 

You might also suggest that she could pump/express some milk and have her DH do one of the middle-of-the-night feedings, to make sure she's getting a good stretch of sleep in there at some point...she's gotta get used to the pump awfully soon if she hasn't already after all, since she's going back to work soon. No, it's not the way I'd do it, and probably not the way you'd do it, but it's a solution that might work for her w/o sacrificing the breastfeeding in the name of sleep...

 

And for yourself and your DS's...sounds like you're handling that part pretty well.

[SonshineLearner]

http://www.kanoe.us/ or an Amby. My husband's ex has one of the kanoe's and just loves it. It's a very "cool" thing to have, which should help her love it. Also, Kellymom.com I think..for nursing and ideas...

The Kanoe and Amby are baby hammocks and they are just great for getting baby into a good sleep. The Kanoe has a hook that you can get more than one of and you take the hammock around...from one spot to another. (naps down...and take it up....for bed time...etc...))

[mommaduck]

Yes, this sounds like a sleep deprived mama that is scared about not doing "everything right" and you look like competition since you have already been down that road. She doesn't want to be compared to you or expected to do things the way you did...so she's doing her own reading and stumbling through her own way. There was a similar issue between my SIL and I...I was the reader, the one that had grown up taking care of kids, and had my baby first. Family kept "sticking" me on her and she resented it. I learned to just back off unless she asked questions. Also, your children are only catching the blame because they don't want to admit that they may not be approaching things in the best way. Since this is their first baby, they have a quiet house typically. So, with everything going on, she's striking out and possibly feeling either like a failure or like she is being judged.

 

Perhaps the best thing to do is head home and leave her a card telling her that you know she is trying to do what is best for her family and that you know she'll be a great mama. She needs encouragement and breathing room, mayhaps?

[Desert Rat]

Man, I wouldn't have lasted the first day. I'd be finding something better to do with my days there than sitting quietly and watching the baby sleep! Hang in there!