Loupelou Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 It's another Saturday morning and I am sitting here while breakfast makes itself and my DH is gone, again. I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice to resolve or approach this issue: My DH is a confirmed workaholic. He is a construction contractor and I am truly grateful for the work he has right now, things have not been so great the last few months and we pray daily for work. Anyhoo... He just can't seem to stop working. He isn't under any deadlines but he leaves between 6 and 6:30 am everyday and usually drags himself home between 7 and 8 pm. Right now there is no work after this job so I am trying to understand the urgency in getting it done. He also works Saturdays the same hours. I realized recently that this is not a new occurrence. I have been dealing with this in varying degrees for the 16 years of our marriage. I think sometimes he feels that as long as he is physically providing that is all that is required of him as a husband/father. Maybe I am not allowing him the credit he needs there. I guess what is really bringing it to a head for me,without going into details, is I am really feeling my responsibilities of late. The dc are getting older and their physical/emotional needs are changing. I guess I am just feeling a little lonely, and not very valued. Sometimes I feel like I am doing this alone and I don't want that. Please don't let this turn into a bashing the spouse thread. I would honestly like to hear if anyone has dealt with a similar situation and how it was approached and or resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessed3x Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I am in the same situation, but my DH works 5:30 am - 5 pm, or later. He is also enrolled in school to finish his degree, so he has class on Tuesday evenings until 10pm. With all of this, he has hours upon hours of homework when he is home. Fortunately, school will be finished in December. YEA! Unfortunately, all of the hours he is putting into his job, are hours for a job he is unhappy with. I sincerely, appreciate all that he does and try to tell him that. But, like you, am lonely and feeling somewhat unappreciated in some ways. I feel that in my situation my DH is very concerned about his future. The company has already gone through major cuts and while they are very pleased with him, he does not like the direction of the company. Looking ahead, we have talked of looking for something else but this economy is scary. We have two in college and our DS who I home school. With all of that on his shoulders he is feeling pressure. Perhaps you and I should both lift our DH's up. Daily we could give them meaningful praises and see if they react and spend more time at home.... Just a suggestion. Let me know what you think... Anyone else? ;- ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 My dh can get overly focused on work. He works from about 7:30 to 7:30 five days a week. I think they do this because they are so focused on their role as provider. Sometimes I give him a gentle reminder that he needs to spend time with the kids, and he hears me. He will take one to work with him during the week (he's self-employed), or do something with them on the weekends and leave me at home alone. I try not to wait to speak to him until I am so fried that resentment enters my voice . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Maybe you're right. I started a couple of weeks ago making sure I thank him, tell him I love him, and appreciate what he does for our family. I guess maybe it takes time to see your efforts come to fruition. A frustratingly long time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Maybe you're right. I started a couple of weeks ago making sure I thank him, tell him I love him, and appreciate what he does for our family. I guess maybe it takes time to see your efforts come to fruition. A frustratingly long time! Just curious....does he do the same for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 My dh is a self-employed carpenter. he generally works 6 days a week. This morning he was so focused on work he forget to tell me good-bye. :001_huh: I called him on it he apologized. :D He just get hyper-focused when he has a job to do. It does get lonely for me, we've had our periods of up and downs in the work, but if he is home a lot that means there is less money coming in. We keep in touch via cell several times a day. He doesn't work on Sundays and I've been trying to carve out some time for us only but it is hard when he absolutely exhausted and sleeps half the day. My ds is 11 and has been going to job sites for years. Many times if dh is working between two jobs he'll come home and get ds for the afternoon. They also do some errands together in the evening. I know my dh thinks about us and providing for us while he is out there in the heat. (HUGS) :grouphug: I know it's hard. We've been married for 16 years too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Just curious....does he do the same for you? No, he doesn't. But, I am hoping that if I do it for him maybe he'll recognize the need to reciprocate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 (edited) My DH works 7 days a weeks, 363 days a year, from early morning until at least 8 p.m. He has done this for the last 20 years. It has nothing to do with the amount of work DH has to do. He fills up the time whether he has a ton of work or hardly anything to do. He is at the office, alone, the whole time, not out carousing. When the kids were around 5 years old, their favorite thing about Christmas was that their father was home to eat dinner with us. My kids do not notice when DH goes out of town on business because it does not change our family life at all. Right now, DH and DS2 have been in PA for 12 days. We all miss DS2 a lot -- his being gone is like there is a hole in our family, because he was always here and now he is not. We don't miss DH because he was never here in the first place -- he was always 1.5 miles down the road at his office. I have spent 20 years doing everything I could to change this situation and nothing has worked. The kids and I pay a heavy price, but none of us are doing anything to cause this situation. Once I realized that, I felt a lot better about myself, but I still feel horrible about the effects it has on our children. I think my DH has Asperger's Syndrome. That is the only explanation that fits all the facts. I realized this when one of our DC was diagnosed with AS and it popped into my head one day that this child and his father are exactly alike. I am posting this because sometimes the cause of these problems is not that the wife is doing anything wrong. Sometimes the problem is 100% out of her control no matter how much she prays, how great of a cook, maid, laundress, wife, and mother she is, and how wonderful her attitude and personality are. Edited June 20, 2009 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 (edited) (nt) Edited June 20, 2009 by Orthodox6 probable contravention of board rules Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie in NE Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Our life is terribly complicated. My husband has been a workaholic all his life. His father was also a workaholic. Dh is wonderfully talented and has a tremendous capacity for work. At his last job, (he has jumped around quite a bit, but has always provided beautifully for us) he was very unhappy. It made him unpleasant to be around. His work is his life and his identity. We lived on a small ranch then (something between a "real" ranch, and a hobby farm). All we both wanted was to work together as a family on a ranch, and make a living from it. We sold everything we had, and bought our "real" ranch, knowing that it would be 5-10 years before it would actually support us. The economy tanked. We went further into debt to buy a house in a town 3 1/2 hours from the ranch so that we would have access to jobs to keep things going. Even as I write this, it sounds crazy and non-sensical. But at the time it seemed like the best thing to do. Now the kids and I are here in town, and hubby is on the ranch 3 1/2 hours away, and we rarely see him. He only leaves the ranch to go to his job in Texas, which is actually what keeps us fed. We thought we would all be able to be on the ranch together this summer, but dd has developed severe allergies to the mold in the ranch house (it is a dump). Our doctor has told us we cannot go there with her any longer. The ranch is 70 miles from a hospital..... too far to go if she goes into shock..... even if we carry and epi-pen, which we do. SO, all of that to say..... Our dream is pretty much a nightmare. My kids miss him terribly, but less all the time, which is even worse. I am lonely. But am trying to figure out how to do everything by myself. I worry about how my dc will fill the vaccuum that is their absent father. I cry every Sunday in Church. Dh says that if we want to hang on to the ranch, he has to be there. And he is right. But I don't want to hang onto the ranch, even though I love, love, love it. It is the only life I ever wanted. But instead, the life I have is the life of a single Mom with 4 kids. I can handle that. I have been lonely before. But for our dc, this is life-forming. It is scary. Thanks for posting. It has helped me to learn how all of you handle this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newbie Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 My dh is a reformed workaholic, but it has bust his bubble. I guess that is what keeps them going. All of our married life, he worked at least sixteen hr. days seven days a wk. I hated it, so finally we had an oppurtunity to leave it all and retire. Suffice it to say that did not happen, he got a new business, not as much hrs. but he is unhappy. What is funny is , we were talking the other day, and he barely remembers my bday, but can remember the exact date he sold his business. And he blames me for it. Again, the grass is not always greener. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Just a friendly reminder of board rules... "The Internet (and this site in particular) is not the appropriate place to complain about your husband (or wife) or to ask for marital counseling. Call a friend instead." I just wanted to let you know. And yep, I have a workaholic here too, Saturday morning 5 work calls and a few hours on a laptop....so I do understand your frustrations. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Maybe I missed some nuances; however, I have read posts in this thread as "presenting information", not as "spouse-bashing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Maybe I missed some nuances; however, I have read posts in this thread as "presenting information", not as "spouse-bashing." No spouse bashing seen. Just a reminder about seeking "marital advice" is against board rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted June 20, 2009 Author Share Posted June 20, 2009 Thanks for all the replies! I appreciate how everyone definitely has a unique experience in life. "Talking" on this board always helps me to gain insight and perspective. Conversations like these also help me to see all the possibilities, it helps me to help myself and others. There definitely is not any bashing going on here. And I am glad to report the people on this board are my friends. So thank you again!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 No advice as my situation was....different. Just (((((many hugs))))) for the frustrated and lonely moms participating in this thread and those who identify but don't post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 No, he doesn't. But, I am hoping that if I do it for him maybe he'll recognize the need to reciprocate. I hope so! You deserve it, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoriM Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Book Recommendation: Love and Respect http://www.loveandrespect.com/index.php Best, Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 So I feel the pain in so many of these posts :grouphug:, and I experienced it for a short time (not as long as some). The thing that changed things in our house is paryer. I really made this area of dh's life a matter of constant focused prayer everyday. I asked the Lord to change dh's heart, and to show me what I could do so he would want to be home more. It's amazing the things He shows you! Now things will look different in each house, so I won't say what I changed. All the advice I have is PRAY! I hope this helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.