S/O on nursing homes, elderly parents....

[Soph the vet]

I didn't read all the pages in that thread so maybe this was addressed but I didn't want to hijack it either. Does anyone plan on taking in their parents when they are unable to care for themselves adequately? I just figured as long as I am in good health, I will care for my mom and my in-laws if needed in our home.

[amy g.]

I plan on caring for my dad. My MIL is already being cared for by my husband's brother, and I told my siblings that they are on their own with our mom. She didn't do much caring for us when we were growing up, so I feel like I am really not obligated to take care of her.

 

Even though my dad has terminal cancer, her is still doing for my family right now. Just last week, he drove my 10 year old to sewing camp on two different days and my son to piano lessons and to get his hair cut across town on another.

 

My dad knows that the plan is for him to move here when he can no longer live alone. We bought a one story with 2 masters for this reason. My only regret about being pregnant right now is that I'm afraid it will make my dad feel like we are too over-extended to care for him. I have faith that when the time comes, it will all fall into place.

[Lolly]

Since mil's death, we have been living with fil. We will take care of him as long as we possibly can. While it is trying at times:glare:, our biggest regret is not doing it sooner. Mil would probably have stayed healthy longer if we had. Of course, it may have been too stressful for fil to have us here while mil was waning. Back to the present, I have no idea to what extremes we will be able to handle with fil. We'll take it one day at a time.

[bkpan]

I didn't read all the pages in that thread so maybe this was addressed but I didn't want to hijack it either. Does anyone plan on taking in their parents when they are unable to care for themselves adequately? I just figured as long as I am in good health, I will care for my mom and my in-laws if needed in our home.

 

You know, I have always assumed and wanted the opportunity to care for my mom when she needs it. In fact, we have had plans drawn up to create an in-law suite in our home for parents. But, I just recently talked all of this over with her, and she is emphatically telling me that she does not want to move in with us.

 

(Now, we do have 6dc under 12yo, 5 of them boys :tongue_smilie:), so I do understand her hesitation if it were any time in the near future. I am just waiting to see what the future brings. My mother has always been exceptionally independent, and it KILLS her to think of being dependent or a burden on others. I am just not sure how it will eventually play out, but she turned 70yo this year and is not in the best of health.

 

Kim

[Wyndie]

We plan to care for our parents when the time comes. In fact we just bought a house with a downstairs room that is currently our school room but we will switch it to the parent room if necessary. It's right next to the powder room (and the pr can be converted easily to accomodate a bathtub) so they won't have to go up the stairs if they don't want to.

 

I don't know what situation would be so difficult that we couldn't care for them ourselves but yes, it is our intention to care for our parents if it's possible.

[Lawana]

Does anyone plan on taking in their parents when they are unable to care for themselves adequately?

In 2002 dh flew to his home state with the plan that he and his db would do some fix up work at their mother's. It became clear that she was not attending to her basic needs, and was spending $$$$ buying mail order stuff, with the majority of it still in the original shipping cartons. After much heart wrenching discussion between dh and his brother, it was decided that she would come live with us. She has been with us ever since.

I expect that my mother (74) will be with us at some point, although for the time being, she is living with her 98yo mother who was independent until last year, but still considers it a wasted day if she can't get out and weed her garden on her knees.

 

Lawana

[Ibbygirl]

I guess it depends on the circumstances as Impish pointed out in the other thread. Sometimes, the person is in a state that they are not safe to be in the family, but barring a situation like that, yes I plan to take care of my mother when she gets of that age. :)

[Heather in Savannah]

we have a very tiny house with 3 floors and 3 small bedrooms....too many stairs and no bathroom large enough which could be modified to have assisted devices To buy a bungalow would be 1/2 million $$'s, and we wouldn't qualify for that kind of mortgage. So sadly, caring for our parents doesn't look possible. My Father is in a Retirement Home, which is a wonderful place....sweet workers, who care for him and his needs, and treat him with respect and gentleness. So my heart is at ease.

[Cheryl in NM]

We are planning to take care of our parents. My mother insists that she'll wander off into the desert and die first. Makes us wonder what's so terrible about us!:001_huh: Actually, she doesn't want to be a burden. We've explained that this is how families behave, but my families isn't exactly loving toward each other.

[Vida Winter]

If at all possible, yes. Especially my mom and stepfather in Arizona. As far as my in-laws in Michigan, they would probably never want to leave that state but there is a lot of family locally who would step up.

[G5052]

My father-in-law died somewhat suddenly after a two-week illness. My mother-in-law continued to live in their home with the last sibling, but as her health began to fail and she needed more help including heart surgery, we offered. She refused, wanting to stay close to where she had lived most of her life. She picked out an "eldercare village" that had everything from regular apartments to full nursing care not far from where she had lived for 50 years. Then she had the heart surgery, and died of complications in the hospital.

 

We also offered to help move my parents close to us when my father's Parkinson's Disease made him barely mobile with the idea that they might move in with us, but they also wanted to stay where they were (unfortunately across the country). Frankly the story from there is very sad. My mother developed vascular dementia and neglected my father in the last few years of his life despite our best efforts. Despite that, he refused to leave their home. He was finally put in a nursing home after several hospitalizations left him extremely frail, and he died in hospice care about six weeks later in April. He did like the nursing home and had a lot of friends come by every day. Meanwhile, my mother's dementia has gotten to the point that she has horrible outbursts and can be violent at times. I tried to put her in an institution after Dad's funeral, and could not get a doctor to back me up. Thankfully friends somehow got her into "lock-down" assisted living two weeks ago, but there was an odd turn of events and I've been cut off from finding out how she's doing.

 

So yes, we intended, but it didn't happen. Sometimes older people want to stay where they are, and I know that I couldn't manage my mother now. Dementia is not something you always can manage at home, and she truly needs to be handled by professionals at this point.

Edited June 15, 2009 by GVA

[Orthodox6]

All my life I have planned on taking in my parents. I believe it is the right thing to do, when possible. (I also believe that there are situations which would make it an unwise choice.)

 

My parents flatly refuse to live with us. They WANT to go to a nursing home.

 

:confused: :confused1: :sad::sad::sad:

[Harriet Vane]

When the day comes I would consider it my privilege to care for my parents-in-law. Having said that, though, I suspect they have already chosen a retirement facility! ;) My dh's grandmother chose a lovely private graduated living facility and absolutely loved it--dh's parents think that this is the "right" way to go. We would, of course, respect their wishes, but when it comes right down to it, if they want to be with us, we will do what it takes to make that happen and to make it work well. Or, if they end up with dh's sister, we would do what it takes to support that process and ease sil's burden as much as possible. My in-laws are lovely people--it truly would be our privilege to be together with them.

 

I am well aware, though, of the intricacies of the question. My aunt is brain-damaged, and her husband had to make the very difficult decision to put her into a nursing home. It is so very, very hard to watch her suffer there. It's considered a good home (top ratings on a recent survey of government retirement facilities) but frankly, the care is just not that great. Many of the workers are truly kind, and we thank God for them, but there are also many who are indifferent and apathetic. Every day my aunt is left to sit staring in a big room with nothing to do--as long as she stares compliantly they will not do a thing to connect with her or try to stimulate her interest in anything. There are staff who have even expressed resentment that my uncle signs her up to go on as many outings and nursing home parties and concerts, etc. as possible--they treat it as an imposition. Why, then, knowing acutely how unhappy she is there--why would we put her there? The answer, quite simply, is that her needs are truly overwhelming physically and mentally, she can never, ever be left unattended, and her husband is poor, with minimal insurance, and has to raise their five children alone. It's a terrible choice to face--he had to choose a nursing home so that he could be a decent father. Those of us that love my aunt have had to come together as an active support and advocacy team for her at the nursing home.

[kalanamak]

I offered. So did my sister. My two single-parent brothers declined. My father decided to go to assisted living to be near these two sons he had spent so much time with. We knew it wouldn't be for very long and he was very well cared for and had a visitor a day. It was his choice.

 

I flew back to get him settled (my brothers were too chicken to talk to him about how Mommy just couldn't care for him anymore), and wrote out his options on a big board (he was nearly deaf). I saw one tear, the only time I saw him cry, ever, and then he was full of adventure: what to pack, what to bring, the names of all the new people, how many steps with his walker before he made a right turn to the elevator. He had an exciting last 3 months of life. It was like a cruise ship.

 

My mother did not want to leave her cat and home, and one of the aforementioned sons stopped by 1-3 times a day for the last 18 months or so, and kept her independent. Hearing their last words of love to each other, in her bedroom, hours before death, is one of my dearest memories.

Edited June 15, 2009 by kalanamak

[Impish]

When the day comes I would consider it my privilege to care for my parents-in-law. Having said that, though, I suspect they have already chosen a retirement facility! ;) My dh's grandmother chose a lovely private graduated living facility and absolutely loved it--dh's parents think that this is the "right" way to go. We would, of course, respect their wishes, but when it comes right down to it, if they want to be with us, we will do what it takes to make that happen and to make it work well. Or, if they end up with dh's sister, we would do what it takes to support that process and ease sil's burden as much as possible. My in-laws are lovely people--it truly would be our privilege to be together with them.

 

I am well aware, though, of the intricacies of the question. My aunt is brain-damaged, and her husband had to make the very difficult decision to put her into a nursing home. It is so very, very hard to watch her suffer there. It's considered a good home (top ratings on a recent survey of government retirement facilities) but frankly, the care is just not that great. Many of the workers are truly kind, and we thank God for them, but there are also many who are indifferent and apathetic. Every day my aunt is left to sit staring in a big room with nothing to do--as long as she stares compliantly they will not do a thing to connect with her or try to stimulate her interest in anything. There are staff who have even expressed resentment that my uncle signs her up to go on as many outings and nursing home parties and concerts, etc. as possible--they treat it as an imposition. Why, then, knowing acutely how unhappy she is there--why would we put her there? The answer, quite simply, is that her needs are truly overwhelming physically and mentally, she can never, ever be left unattended, and her husband is poor, with minimal insurance, and has to raise their five children alone. It's a terrible choice to face--he had to choose a nursing home so that he could be a decent father. Those of us that love my aunt have had to come together as an active support and advocacy team for her at the nursing home.

Speaking strictly from a staff pov, I can tell you when you that it *can* be incredibly difficult to manage getting residents to and from the activities planned by the Recreation Coordinators. The Rec Staff generally have NOTHING to do with the day to day stuff, and don't arrange any getting ppl to and from the actual outings...that falls to the floor staff. When the floor staff has to get all the residents fed, bathed, in and out of bed, etc...you can see how getting someone to and from an outing, etc CAN make things really difficult. It can literally mean another resident goes without their bath that week because there isn't enough staff on the floor. Its not that the staff doesn't want to be bothered, its that it means other residents get shafted in terms of care time because a staff is pulled from the floor to take your aunt to and from.

 

I'm not saying your Aunt shouldn't go, please don't get me wrong! I'm just trying to give you a staff perspective. Perhaps when advocating for your Aunt, you could suggest a Rec staff comes to get her. (They may not like that in the slightest. Most won't be caught DEAD actually doing anything 'hands on') The problem is, Rec comes up with these wonderful ideas, but the facility doesn't/won't put extra staff on to porter, so its the other residents that get screwed when it comes to getting their cares done, the staff run around like mad, the residents get extremely upset because their bedtime is at 7:15, not 7:35, then, you get all the residents coming back from the outing all at once, all wanting their meds, cares, bed all at the same instant, and the whole place goes to hell in a handbasket.

Ask me how I know :D

 

As for me, no, I will not be caring for anyone that I'm not already...unless God decides we're having another baby :001_huh:

[Mommyof4ks]

My mother and grandmother (mom's mom) both worked in nursing homes and my gm was a nurse for many years. They both want to go to a nursing home, because they know the stress that comes from caring for the elderly. My ILs will have to go live with my SIL, because seriously we cannot live together.

[Brigitte]

My mother and step father have insurance for long-term nursing care in their home. They want to stay in their house until the bitter end. As for my father and step mother, I have no clue. I suspect that my half-sister might be willing to take in my step-mother, should the need arize. My dad would prefer to stay in his home and I suspect he has insurance for that. He does talk about moving back to Belgium when he is too old to take care of himself, since they have pubs in the nursing homes (one of his mother's last requests was for a beer and they opened the pub and brought her one).

 

My in-laws are more complicated. My fil is disabled and mil takes care of him at home. That is getting increasingly more difficult for her and I suspect a nursing home will be in his future. He will hate it, but should mil pass before he does, he will have to go into a nursing home if he is not there already. Neither we, nor my sil are capable of taking care of his needs. If my mil is the last of the two, she will likely go live with my sil. We don't have the space for her here and sil live near her now.

 

I think about these things a lot more now as I witness my parents aging. They are all in their mid 70's (fil is late 70's) and the changes in the last year have been startling.

[TravelingChris]

My FIL is 89. He has had prostate cancer and now colon cancer. Even before that, we suggested that he sell his house and come move near us or with us. As it is, he is 89, frail and still working because my 2 bils who are both older than my 45yo dh completely dependent on him. All he has is SS and his pay from his work with those other bums depending on him. His house is in a congested area of NJ and the lot is a double lot and could fetch good money. Our suggestion has always been for him to sell the house, go live in an assisted living facility or with us, and stop working. He is very tired but he is of sound mind and wants to let his children sponge off of him. To make the situation less bitter when he dies, my dh requested that he not be made a beneficiary of the will at least in regards to the property. My dh has no intention to waste his vacation time attending to the eviction of his brothers and various hangers on. Unfortunately, because my FIL decided that he still has a responsibilty to support 50 yo children, his grandchildren and I haven't seen him in over 3 years. His house is a danger zone due to his sons (my bils') behhavior and addictions and dh refuses to let us visit. When the FIL almost lost the house a few years ago because of the extreme negligence of his other sons, we again pleaded with him to come live with us. He just doesn't want to and we can't do anything.

 

My father died when I was 13 and my mom died when I was 23. I did care for my mom in her final month by coming back home to help her. She died from ALS.

[brehon]

I don't know what situation would be so difficult that we couldn't care for them ourselves but yes, it is our intention to care for our parents if it's possible.

 

Advanced dementia/Alzheimer's pts can often be very verbally and physically violent. This is especially bad if the pt is still physically able to move on their own. They can also leave stoves on, leave lit cigarettes all over the place, and other hazards - they will not know they're doing this.

 

Patients with chronic, progressive illnesses (i.e. Parkinson's, brittle or uncontrolled diabetes, et al) can be very difficult for people to manage even with home health care help.

 

These are but two examples. This is not to try and convince you that you shouldn't care for your parents when/if that time comes; but to let you know some of the realities of caring for truly ill (mentally and physically) people. It's much, *MUCH* harder than what most people think when they begin caring for elderly/sick relatives.

[Denisemomof4]

I am caring for my mother in my home and have been since the end of January. She was in an assisted living facility, "one of the best in the area" and it nearly killed her. We removed her the end of January when we found out she had a urinary tract infection for 11 days and they never treated it, something VERY dangerous to the elderly. Mom almost died twice from sepsis last year, and not treating a UTI could have quickly proved fatal.

 

Her care declined immediately after my dad's death in August. And in the midst of our pain over losing dad, the facility held a meeting 3 weeks after his death to recommend putting mom on Hospice care and stopping all treatment. They wanted to be done with her. It was an assisted living facility, but one that the people could live their lives out in. Mom needs FULL care. I have had her in my home and had the help of aides for 4.5 months now and it is one of the best things I've ever done in my life - to bless her in her final days.

 

We have since found out that this same facility neglected to care for a man who fell and hit his head. Three days later they had him taken to the ER where he died of a massive bleed. Now they probably couldn't have saved him, but for him to have a bleed that bad for that many days, obviously severe neglect was an issue.

 

My mother has ulcerative colitis and I believe they tried to make my mother sicker. In the days leading up to taking mom out of the facility I found out they were giving her a fresh salad DAILY, sometimes with both lunch and dinner, and she had peanut butter several times per day. Her colitis was so bad by the time we removed her and she was in so much pain that I can't even tell you what I wanted to do to the people there. I constantly questioned why the wouldn't feed her what they were feeding other people, and they had one lie after another. We have spoken to a few people who have strongly advised to hire a lawyer.

 

I didn't read the nursing home thread, but after what I've seen with my mom by a "top ranked" facility, I can't imagine doing anything differently. I know my father never wanted us to take this burden on but we really had no choice. Mom has severe dementia and can't speak for herself. She can only feed herself sometimes, so it's been hard but one of the biggest blessings ever. I am fortunate that my dad took out long term health insurance so we've had the help of aides and equipment to help mom get around.

 

I'm SO glad I'm doing this as time is running out. We finally did put Mom on Hospice last week and they gave us 1 - 2 weeks. I'm cherishing every last minute with her.

 

Exhausting, stressful, and such a HUGE blessing. I couldn't have it any other way.

[Denisemomof4]

before you have this wonderful picture of me, taking in my totally invalid mother, I will say my MIL is in a nursing home. She's just SO nasty that our entire family, collectively, decided that bringing here was absolutely NOT an option. Family life would have become a living hell if we had brought her here.

 

Remember that thread about MIL's I started awhile back? Mine is the one who told me my husband could have a girlfriend because he spent so much money on my animals (I have what I consider a self supported rescue farm). No, we can't bring here here. She LOVES to cause problems. Her poor roommate in the NH is a total invalid and can't speak. My MIL fought to keep the windows open DURING A BLIZZARD, just to cause problems, and had everyone on the floor in a tizzy.

 

Nope, she AIN'T coming here. ;)

[Rosie_0801]

My mother lives across the country and I have no idea what her plans are for her future. Her partner is 8 years older than her, so it's likely she'll be widowed eventually. Maybe she'll stay there, maybe she'll come back over here. Dh and I would both agree to look after my parents, if we need to. My sister is moving to Kenya, and my brother wouldn't have Mum! I don't think Dad would want to live with me. I expect my brother would take him and that'd be a better arrangement for everyone really. They get along a bit better than he and I do.

 

As for dh's parents. I could deal with his Dad if I had to, but there isn't a chance in Hades that I'd have his Mum here. Dh feels quite the opposite. He'd have his Mum, but not his Dad. His sister plans for their Mum to move interstate to live with her when she's widowed, but I don't see why she'd want to do that. She likes her grandkids, but not enough to want to be a live in baby sitter. My aunt will also be my responsibility. She said she'd help us by a house in return for me looking after her in her old age. No idea if that plan still stands, but of course I'd look after her to the best of my ability anyway. She's peculiar, but the sort of peculiar I can handle :)

 

If the care was too heavy though, I'd have them all in a nursing home because I know I don't have the skills, and I think most of them would rather a stranger shower and help them toilet. I'd be doing my best to keep them dying from boredom though. My grandma did and it took her a good 15 years. I did my best to help entertain her, but I was young, on a small wage and she lived 2 hours away. We visited her during her bouts in hospital and respite care and they were so boring I'm committed even to visiting MIL in the nursing home and being nice to her when the time comes. I don't like my mother in law one little bit, but no one deserves to be left to die of boredom. Or watch their dinner go back to the kitchen because they no longer have the co-ordination to feed themselves properly.

 

Rosie

[Jean in Newcastle]

My parents are in a lovely Christian retirement community - they are in apartments now, but there is an assisted living home on the campus and also a nursing home. They refused other offers from family to live close to us so that they could move in with us. Actually with my dad, he has had trouble with being verbally abusive (I say it that way because his dad was physically abusive and he really has worked hard to not follow in his dad's footsteps and has vastly improved his verbal skills too). But if his inhibitions start to go as they can in the elderly, I don't know if I could handle it.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be caring for my ILs. My MIL was very very ill a few years ago and needed some rather intimate care. I figured that her two daughters would be the best choice for that sort of thing but they both said, "No, you do it.":glare: My MIL had bad boundary problems with me at the time and I can't say that we had the best relationship but of course I helped her. And actually our relationship vastly improved after that (though part of that was due to me setting some really firm boundary lines and enforcing them).

[Heather in Neverland]

MIL- already passed

FIL- will live with his daughter

My father- gone

 

My mother will absolutely, positively, no matter what I have to do to make it happen, live with me.

 

A. I have nightmares about seeing my dh's great-grandmother in a nursing home. It was terrible.

 

B. I am very close with my mom and would have her live with me now if she would but she's only 59yo and perfectly healthy.

 

C. It is what she wants as well and we have discussed it at length. It's just a family thing...we don't leave the care of our loved ones to others.

 

D. She cared for me when I could not care for myself (throughout infancy and childhood) and I want to return the favor.

 

E. I want to honor her as my mother and make sure her last days are dignified. WHat I have seen at nursing homes is anything but dignified.

[CactusPair]

my mom, who is an R.N. and works in a nursing facility, has said many times that she'd like to go to one if and when the time comes. i'm not sure if she's joking or not. i'd prefer if she stayed with me or one of my siblings. i don't think we'd let her go into a home unless we were sure that was what she really did want.

 

i will not care for my father. his wife, 14 yrs. younger than he, will surely put him in a facility if and when the time comes. i may or may not visit.

 

i will care for my mil if i'm physically able, unless she wants to go into a facility. she is very independent and doesn't like dogs and messes, so i'm not sure if she'd even want to come to our house for a visit.

[Kathy in MD]

.......And that at a point an old age home can be the best place. At least once a year when the subject comes up she makes me promise to never care for her or my Dad when they get old.

 

My mom didn't want us to take care of her for the same reason. She died i her home, so she never had to move to a nursig home.

 

My Mom has 9 brother's and sisters. She is number 9 or 10 and is only 57 years old. There is occasionally talk of them all getting together and buying a bungalow/house to turn into the family old age home. And that they will sit around the dinning room table everyday drinking beer and solving the worlds problems. And with splitting the costs between everyone that they could easily afford a nurse, houskeeper, cook.

 

And that considering that between the 10 siblings that they have 35 children, and currently 75 grandchildren they will have MANY visitors.

 

This is a great idea! The only possible drawback is that medical needs may advance to where more than one nurse per shift may be needed. But still, lots of loved ones everyday for mental stimulation. Any relative coming to visit can visit with everyone and lots of eyes to make sure that everyone is being take care of.

[Dobela]

I think nursing homes fill a need. I don't judge families for using them. Unfortunately they are like everything else-they are only as good as the workers and the standards set by management.

 

I have 2 grandmothers still living. ONe is living independently, one is in a nursing home. They are both 86. The one in a nursing home has dementia. She lived at home by herself as long as possible. My aunt lived down the street and stopped in multiple times a day as did my cousin. When that wasn't enough, we began hiring people to come in and spend hours a day with her. Gradually that wasn't enough. Then she fell and seriously injured herself requiring hospitalization and then rehab. At some point in that she stopped walking and eating. She lived in a very rural area and my family just could not find any people qualified to work in the home with her so a nursing home became the next choice. The first one was not great but her sister was there with her and they actually enjoyed being togethr again. My grandmother actually thanked us for making her move in the home. She actually had friends and conversations with folks like her again. At home she had been isolated more than we realized, despite taking her to church and family functions she missed being with people her age. Later we moved my grandmother to a better quality place (It costs several hundred dollars a month more). She still has daily visits from multple family members and has all the medical care she needs. Plus, she is safe and not able to wander off now that her dementia has progressed.

 

Why didn't anyone take her in? Part was her very voiced choice early on. Then you add in that each of her children was/is also dealing with other elderly inlaws that are in almost as bad shape. They are all caring for each mom and dad as best they can while working to support themselves and trying to care for themselves and care for everyone that needs it. I have seen the health of my parents and my extended family suffer as they have cared for the grandparents.

 

My other grandmother has kept her mental sharpness but is having physical breakdowns now. The nearest child/grandchild is 250 miles away. She is refusing to move from her home and honestly, we can't make her. My mom and uncle travel regularly to check on her and care for her despite being in their late 60s with multiple health problems each. We also depend on her friends and neighbors from church to help out.

 

When my parents age need it, what will I do? I don't know. It is something my dh and I have talked about often. My mother is a bitter, hateful woman. Having her in our home would set up our young children for verbal and emotional abuse. My dad can be difficult as well. But I also have a dependent brother with autism. I am the only one left that can care for all of them. My parents have a garage apartment on their property that they could live in if they allowed us to move into the big house so we could care for them. My dad would do that but my mom won't. Then I have to factor in my brother who is currently in the apartment.

 

What it gets down to is that there is no easy answer. What one family chooses is best for them. Honoring your parents may mean that you use a nursing home.

[Marylou]

In January 2008 we moved from Michigan to Indiana to live with my in-laws. MIL (84) has Alzheimer's and FIL is almost 92. He still mows the 5 acre lawn and grows a garden every summer. He goes bowling every Thursday with my BIL. He has slowed down over the decades, but his many years of being a hardworking farmer have helped him be strong in his old age, I think.

 

My BIL is a home builder and built an in-law apartment off the back of their ranch house. It is handicapped accessible and no stove/oven. We live in the old (1970's) part of the ranch and we walk through the laundry room to get to their part of the house.

 

I get MIL dressed about 3 days/week and my SIL (their only daughter who lives 2 miles away) does it the other days of the week. She also does most of the cleaning (the bathroom needs it the most). I do their laundry and take the meds to them 3 times/day. The other two sons have wives who also treat MIL like a mom. One, a former nurse, takes care of getting all of thier meds ready and deals with the Medicaid/Medicare, whatever it is! She makes them food whenever necessary. The other DIL brings meals every week and helps wherever she can. We all live within 3 miles of each other and we have good communication with each other.

 

I thank God that he allows us to homeschool our 2 daughters. I don't think we could be in this living arrangement if I had to be involved with a brick/mortar school. There would be too many things pulling my mind away from home. I also am so happy that our girls can share life with their grandparents. They always are there to talk with and share a hug/kiss. There is always ice cream to eat together. They certainly bless each other being so close.

 

As another poster said, it is exhausting and trying at times, but I know from experience it's worth every minute.

 

I know not everyone can do it (care for elderly folks), but I just wanted to give a thumbs up for anyone who is possibly considering doing it. It can work beautifully.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I would do everything in my power to take care of my parents and in-laws. I think that this is the ideal:) However, as a nurse, I know that it is not always possible to do so. Some elderly require 24 hour care such as in the case of severe alzheimer's. Those stricken with the latter may leave the house in the middle of the night, turn on stoves, etc. There are other situations where it may be over-whelming to care for loved ones in the home as well.

 

I also believe that most end of life care ideally should be in the home with hospice care as a support. My dear grandmothers both had the opportunity to die at home:) I witnessed too many end of life deaths in critical care where the patients had tubes placed everywhere imaginable. I believe that it would have been more comfortable for these patients to have been at home with the support of hospice in comfortable, homey surroundings.

[MyThreeSons]

We purposely purchased a house with an attached apartment for this possibility. So far, it's mostly been used for ministry opportunities, which have blessed us beyond belief.

 

My mil is elderly and in a wheelchair. She lives at home, about 20 miles from us. There are many other family members literally within shouting distance of her house, so they're in and out several times daily, and folks take turns spending the night. We take an occasional weekend shift to give others a break.

 

My Mom is on the other coast. If she would be willing to move here when the time comes, we would welcome her with open arms. My sister would be very happy.

 

The complicating factor for us, however, is that my dh is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. Caring for a parent as well as him sounds daunting, to say the least. If that is what God has for me, though, I know that He will provide the grace.

[Renee in NC]

I plan to if possible. My grandfather needed 24 hour care (dementia) and my grandmother is choosing to go into a retirement community (she would have to relocate to stay with one of her children and she doesn't want to.)

 

My parents are only 49 and 51, but I hope to care for them at home when and if the time comes. I will be in a better position than most to do so because I will no longer have children at home then. I am my mother's only child, but I have a brother with my father, so we will both care for him as necessary.

 

This is assuming they don't choose something different. My grandmother could have gone to KY to live with her oldest daughter, who has an apartment that my grandmother could have lived in. However, my grandmother had no interest in leaving the area she has lived in for 35+ years. The retirement community is where all her friends have gone. None of herchildren could relocate hereandmy father can't care for her as he works ft and his wife has MS (and will need ft care soon enough herself.)

[Dobela]

I witnessed too many end of life deaths in critical care where the patients had tubes placed everywhere imaginable. I believe that it would have been more comfortable for these patients to have been at home with the support of hospice in comfortable, homey surroundings.

I just have to say I agree with this. We made it a point several years ago to have our loved ones sign living wills and make written requests about how they want those situations handled. It has made some thigns so much easier. While both grandfathers, my FIL, and a cousin all died in ICU, none were given the extreme life support and died comfortably as they wished. The deathes were sad, but we felt better knowing we had been able to handle it in the way they desired.

[MamaT]

My fil and my dad are no longer living. My mother went to live with my oldest sister a few years ago and made their life miserable the whole time she was there. She called the police to the house several times saying my bil took the keys to her van and wouldn't let her drive (she doesn't have a license anymore - and anyone who is on the road should be thankful). She was also very verbally abusive. My mother eventually purchased a small home around the corner from my sister and it is a better situation all around for her to be living alone. My sister still checks on her every day and brings her medicine to her. If she brings more than enough for one day, my mom will take it all at once.

 

My mil is very close to her oldest daughter and I assume if she got to the point that she couldn't care for herself, she would live with her. I can only tolerate being around her for about 3 days twice a year for many reasons I won't go into here.

 

If my mil or mother was going to have to live with me, someone would have to go ahead and book me a bed in rehab. :001_smile:

 

I wish it wasn't this way, but it is what it is.

[Sharon H in IL]

My MIL lives with us in an attached apartment. She has home helper-workers come in three times a week to take her places and clean her apartment.

 

Her sizeable trust has disappeared in the stock market crash, so I don't know how long she can afford to continue with helpers -- my DH and she don't share financial info with me.

 

My Dad is still alive and well, living with his wife who is younger than he is, but medically fragile. She's ok in small doses, but I couldn't abide her in large ones. Maybe someday they will move into MIL's apartment. sigh. That would be hard. Dad has no kind of income or investments, he's always been neurotic about money -- he has to avoid having it in order to believe he's a good person. Apparently rich people (i.e., those who save and invest) were bad in his own father's eyes, and he inherited that aversion.

 

double sigh.

 

My brother & SIL took in my grandmother for five years, when her Alzheimer's progressed to where she couldn't live alone. We provided respite care for her when they needed a break. She lived another year in a nursing home.

 

I moved home years ago to stay with Mother in her last illness. Dad was still working every day and she couldn't be alone.

[Laurie4b]

We are willing to do what we can to care for any of our parents. We feel that is part of honoring our father and mother. My mother currently lived 6 hours away. She's independent and very happy where she is, but she's starting to realize that she can't count on just "dropping dead of a heart attack" (her current plan) and has looked at some housing around here.

 

If we care for a parent in our home, we wouldn't do it alone as we would have church family to help us occasionally. We are raising our sons to have these values, too, so hopefully, it would be a family affair.

 

My in-laws cared for m-i-l's mom for the last years of her life. They would probably be cared for by one of their daughters who lives nearby, but they would always be welcome here.

 

One of the things that's been good for my mother is that she lives in a neighborhood with several elderly folks. She's observed that "most of them wait too long to move, " and then it becomes much harder. I think that's something we can keep in mind for ourselves, as we are aging: 1) choosing to move near to kids (if they've moved away) sooner rather than later if we want them involved with us as we age and 2) taking care of our health, especially losing weight (both dh and I need to.)

[ThelmaLou]

We're in the process of selling/buying right now to accomodate both of my parents. My dad has Parkinsons, dystonia, neuropathy, heart trouble, arthritis, and a whole host of other ailments. He has recently given up his keys for safety reasons, and he's stuck at home while my mom works. He's on medicare, but my mom's not old enough for medicare benefits. She has to work for insurance purposes, at least until she's 63 1/2 and can bridge the gap with Cobra.

 

Thankfully, we got an offer on our house within 3 days. We're about to make an offer on a new (to us) house within the next day or two. They're getting ready to gear up for selling their house, and they'll move in with us. They'll have the master suite (down) and my hubby and I will have two bedrooms up with a Jack and Jill. We'll put our bed and side tables in one room and our dressers in the other, maybe with room for a chair and a half or a loveseat. My closet will be in one room, his will be in the other. The additional two upstairs bedrooms are a bit larger, but have no bath attached for privacy. These will be for our 5 boys (2 in one room, 3 in another). We had trouble finding a house with two masters in the right price range that also fit our other criteria. (We're talking basic criteria...not things like granite countertops, wood floors, or crown molding!)

 

Anyhow, closing on our current house is at the end of July, hopefully move-in on the other will occur immediately.

 

My mom and dad wisely purchsed long term health insurance just a few months before my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons. What a blessing. He's already taking advantage of available services with a speech/swallowing therapist. When they move in with us, he'll use the insurance to make modifications for his wheelchair (ramps, etc...) and install things like shower safety bars. On a sidenote, my parents have already prepaid their funerals. They've picked their plots, caskets, the whole 9 yards. What a wonderful consideration for the rest of us who will be here when they pass away.

 

In high school, I worked at a nursing home and vowed that I'd never put my parents into one if I could help it. I saw too many disturbing scenes to let that happen.

 

My dad obviously needs to move in. My mom gets around much better and could live independently when my dad passes if she chooses to. I think she'll probably stay with us, though, which is fine with us. I don't see any reason for family to live all alone. My mom's very social, and I think she'd be lonely.

 

We thankful to be in a position that we can offer for them to move in. It will be a huge adjustment for all of us, but we're committed to doing whatever it takes.

[littlebug42]

This is such a tricky question for me when it comes to my Dad and with his recent leukemia diagnosis, these thoughts have been in the forefront. My history with my Dad is very complicated. My parents divorced 34 years ago (when I was 4) and my Dad has pretty much ignored me most of my life. He is an alcoholic and all and all not a very nice person. Personally, I do love my Dad but I have two small daughters that I have to put first and I do not think it would be in their best interest to have my Dad around all of the time. So, I would probably have to say No, I could not take him into my home and be his primary caregiver. My sister and brother are more willing and I will help them however I can if it comes to this. It probably won't be an issue because Dad doesn't really want to live with any of us either. He would rather be in a nursing home.

 

ETA- If it were my mother or mother in law at issue, I would take them in and take care of them in a heartbeat.

[TravelingChris]

As I see it, most of us are willing to help our compliant parents and parent-in-laws. What people draw the line at more than having a very ill parent is having a disruptive or even abusive parent. I am a Christian and therefore my phrase is You shall reap what you sow. For non-Christians, I guess it is karma. As I said, I only have one parent left (FIL) and he refuses our offers of our type of assistance. We will never offer financial assistance to him without our control since he would waste it on my drug abusing BILs. However, we would lovingly take care of him here or at an assisted living facility by visiting, etc. Its his choice and I see that with others too. Many of us have parents who refuse our help and others have had parents who are verbally abusive or even violent. WE can all only do so much. It doesn't seem that anyone here or in fact. most people want to dump their parents or parent in laws. Is there a subset that does- sure just like there is a subset of the population that is criminal, alcoholic or drug abusing. But the majority are trying to cope with aging parents in the best way they can. Not all can take them in. What about single people who were single children and are of working age= they have to go to work and sometimes they can't afford the hoime health care. Unfortunately, health insurance doesn't pay for regular care and no one else picks up that slack if the person didn't have disability insurance.

[bkpan]

We purposely purchased a house with an attached apartment for this possibility. So far, it's mostly been used for ministry opportunities, which have blessed us beyond belief.

 

My mil is elderly and in a wheelchair. She lives at home, about 20 miles from us. There are many other family members literally within shouting distance of her house, so they're in and out several times daily, and folks take turns spending the night. We take an occasional weekend shift to give others a break.

 

My Mom is on the other coast. If she would be willing to move here when the time comes, we would welcome her with open arms. My sister would be very happy.

 

The complicating factor for us, however, is that my dh is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. Caring for a parent as well as him sounds daunting, to say the least. If that is what God has for me, though, I know that He will provide the grace.

 

What a beautiful spirit you have. May God have mercy on your situation.

[stripe]

I have to say that given some previous experience, I am well aware of the sad state of most nursing homes, as are my parents, so neither my parents nor I have any interest in any of us going into one.

 

That being said, there is a third alternative -- and that is to hire someone (various levels of nursing type people, depending on the need) to come to your home and take care of the person there. An elderly relative of mine had such people, very nice ones at that, for quite a few months, until her death at home. It was much more affordable than a nursing home, provided assistance in things like bathing, toilet activities, and administering medicines, which may be hard for non-medical people to do, and far superior for all involved.

[Renee in NC]

I have to say that given some previous experience, I am well aware of the sad state of most nursing homes, as are my parents, so neither my parents nor I have any interest in any of us going into one.

 

That being said, there is a third alternative -- and that is to hire someone (various levels of nursing type people, depending on the need) to come to your home and take care of the person there. An elderly relative of mine had such people, very nice ones at that, for quite a few months, until her death at home. It was much more affordable than a nursing home, provided assistance in things like bathing, toilet activities, and administering medicines, which may be hard for non-medical people to do, and far superior for all involved.

 

Was it around the clock care? Before he went in the home, my grandfather has someone come in to bathe him - he was a very large man and there was no way my grandmother could get him in and out of the shower. However, she didn't seem to think that it was a good option for around the clock care (she said it would cost more than the nursing home.)

[stripe]

I think it progressed from intermittent to round-the-clock. But apparently it was within her budget and was both expensive and better care than a nursing home.

 

(Many people would prefer to spend their last days in their own home, as well, and that is something that is hard to quantify.)

[Renee in NC]

I think it progressed from intermittent to round-the-clock. But apparently it was within her budget and was both expensive and better care than a nursing home.

 

(Many people would prefer to spend their last days in their own home, as well, and that is something that is hard to quantify.)

 

I don't disagree, I was just curious. I just calculated it would cost about $8K per month to have someone around the clock.

 

I think that is definately a good option for someone who works and needs to care for a parent as well.

[Impish]

While 24 hour care is possible, its not always available. When I first graduated, I chose to work in homecare. I'd done my practicum in nursing homes, and decided that I wanted time to spend with clients, not the less than 15 minutes per resident to get them washed, dressed, up and into the dining room that was allotted on a morning shift in a nursing home.

I was one of THREE that was willing to work night shifts. In the entire city. And I was the only one willing to do palliative care, and thats how I ended up specializing in it. Nobody else was willing, so it kind of happened by default, and I discovered that I was good at it. Weird thing to be 'good' at, I suppose, but for some reason, I was. I had my 'rules' though. No children, and no young adults. I was suckered into one of each, and that was more than enough, tyvm. I remember getting calls from intake with client files, wanting to know which I wanted to take on. Odd situation. When there wasn't palliative clients, I worked exclusively with dementia and Alzheimer clients, another hard to place for the staffing office that I enjoyed working with.

 

And then came reality. As much as I loved homecare, and the one on one time I was able to spend with my clients and their families, and knowing without a doubt that I made a difficult time even just a touch easier, I made the move into institutional care. I couldn't afford to work in homecare anymore. Nursing homes paid half again more than homecare did, plus working in homecare is very isolating. You don't have coworkers, or breaks...and working either with folks with dementia or who were dying is stressful, and I knew that if I kept going, burnout was inevitable.

 

Homecare is tough, on both sides of the fence. I know families would complain because they rarely got the same staff in twice, or would have their hours cancelled altogether because there was no staff to fill them. Staff get overwhelmed and quit, due to poor pay, and staffing office harrassment. I can't tell you the number of times that I would come in from a night shift, only to get a call asking me to go to work! I'd tell them I'd just finished, and they'd bug me to go in, 'just for a little bit'. I'd even get threatened with being written up...and this was a good agency. Heck, I remember having to lock myself in the bathroom at one home because the client with Alzheimers had a BUTCHER KNIFE and was threatening me with it, screaming. The staffing office threatened to fire me over it, because I called her husband and demanded he return home (he was a block away at the coffee shop). They expected me to disarm her and finish my shift. :blink:

[Wyndie]

Advanced dementia/Alzheimer's pts can often be very verbally and physically violent. This is especially bad if the pt is still physically able to move on their own. They can also leave stoves on, leave lit cigarettes all over the place, and other hazards - they will not know they're doing this.

 

Patients with chronic, progressive illnesses (i.e. Parkinson's, brittle or uncontrolled diabetes, et al) can be very difficult for people to manage even with home health care help.

 

These are but two examples. This is not to try and convince you that you shouldn't care for your parents when/if that time comes; but to let you know some of the realities of caring for truly ill (mentally and physically) people. It's much, *MUCH* harder than what most people think when they begin caring for elderly/sick relatives.

 

You are right. The more I read everyone's thoughts, the more I can see various situations that would require they not be in our house. I hope that never happens. I don't think I could bear to see my parents in a situation where I could not personally help. But I know what comes will come and we will deal.

[TwinMominTX]

My father in law is morbidly obese and is approaching the day of needing full time care. My husband and I are both able bodied, but having him live with us really isn't an option. Neither of us (nor are most people) able to transfer him or lift him. For the health and safety of everyone, he will need to live in a specialized care facility that has motorized lifts, better handicapped facilities, etc.

 

Sometimes even with the desire to take care of an elderly parent, it is necessary to place them somewhere else.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I've given this some thought. My mom, who insists she doesn't want to be in a nursing home, ever, also doesn't want to live with any of her kids. If I were to take her in, we would need to move to a bigger house. Ours is a split level with no bathroom on the main floor. It is simply unworkable for someone with disabilities. That itself poses a problem because we really cannot afford to move.

 

Even if that problem were to be solved, there are other considerations. After being the point person for many of my mom's health crises (several strokes and rehabs for that, a broken pelvis, cardiac issues), I have come to the conclusion that I don't think I could give her the best care. I have health issues of my own and would simply not have the energy for her care long term. I can do the short term crises, but they are exhausting and my own family suffers.

 

She is currently in a retirement community appartment and has the option of assisted living when the time comes (and she wouldn't have to move from her current apartment.) There is a nursing home on site, but, if that became necessary, I think I would move her closer to me, so I could visit daily. Right now, she lives about 30 minutes from me with no traffic. However, it is over an hour during rush hour. I have two siblings who are local to the area. One would stop over from work almost daily if he needed to. He already handles most of her finances because the mathematical part of her brain was a victim of one of her strokes. The other is Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde. When happy "P" is out, she can be great, but I simply don't trust b*tchy "P."

[peachskittles]

My mother will never, ever live with me...My father, I would consider it, but in reality I think he'd prefer to stay at home and die peacefully...I've got time to think about it though (well I hope...Life does take a different turn than what you expect)...My mom is only 45 and my dad will be 57 in October...We don't talk much at all but I'm pretty sure once my dad passes away, my mom will need to be locked up tight somewhere (she's a bit unbalanced)...

 

My SO's mother will never, ever live with us and I really think she'd refuse anyways because if she can't have her dogs, then she wouldn't go anywhere...She's also morbidly obese and I don't see either of her sons able to provide her with the care she would need...My SO's father is in his late 50s but he's extremely healthy...His home is perfect for him and I doubt that he'd ever agree to living with someone or going to a home...I believe his mother is closing in on 80 and still lives alone, with people just going to check up on her on occasion...

[stripe]

Depending on the situation / needs involved, there are people with more limited medical training (not RNs, for example) who do this sort of work. I have been friends with several people who did this, many (all?) of them immigrants, as were the ladies who looked after my relative, whose health needs were relatively minor and mostly needed day-to-day assistance. I just wanted to suggest this as an option.