Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 :rant: Ok, so I've just begun math with the Littles, and the phone rings. Diva elects to answer because its MIL. It *has* been explained, over and over again to MIL that morning phone calls are NOT welcome because we're homeschooling. Unfortunately, we've discovered that ignoring her calls has her calling repeatedly, every 10 minutes or so, for an hour or two. I can't unplug our phones, due to having to be available to Workers Compensation. ANYWAYS. Diva answers. Explains to MIL that I've just begun the Littles schooling for the morning, and cannot come to the phone, and will be unavailable for the rest of the am. Also explains that she, Diva is just about to start her math, and needs to get going. All said very very nicely, and polietly, nothing rude. OK, fine. MIL says goodbye, hangs up. Diva gets into her math, I'm into math with the Littles, knee deep in dried Great Northern White Beans, white board, cheering and happy dancing, when the phone rings again, barely six minutes later. Diva answers. Its the MIL again. "Is your mother done YET?" :cursing::banghead: Luckily for MIL I literally had Princess wrapped around my knees and Diva was able to end the call before I got unstuck. Diva's a smart kid, and recognizes a killing look when she sees it, I guess. This woman was a freakin teacher. Shouldn't she have the SLIGHTEST clue as to the fact that a lesson takes a wee bit longer than ten minutes, especially when she KNOWS that the Littles are learning math and letters? I ask that, and realize the futility of the question. Its not about her realizing the time involved, its about her respecting anything beyond her own wants, period. *sigh* Sorry, just really needed to vent. It gets really hard sometimes, with family members that just refuse to respect the time it takes to homeschool, and feel no hesitation to stomp all over study time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Hugs to you. I think I would get snarky with her...if it only takes 6 minutes a day to teach math and reading, then why are children held in a public school classroom for 8hrs a day? ;) :p But I'm like that :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomLovesClassics Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 If this was my MIL and she could not get it through her thick skull, I think I would get sarcastic. If she is not calling for an emergency situation, it should be politely explained to her again, third time tell her that no one in you home will no longer pick up the phone to answer her calls until a certain time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 :DTurn off the ringer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 I can't turn off the ringer, nor unplug the phone. I need to be available if one of my specialists calls, or Workers Compensation calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Caller ID has been helpful for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Other than the fact that you would start a war with your MIL, what she is doing is considered harrassment and one call from the police department warning her might make an impact (just the impact can go either way). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katrina Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Can your husband talk to her? Was she calling to talk to you or the kids? Because if she was wanting to talk to the kids I'd make a rule that your kids can't answer the phone. This may be a more expensive option, but what about getting a second phone line? Give workers comp the new number and leave other nonemergency numbers (like your MIL) with the old number. Then you could safely turn off the ringer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Caller ID has been helpful for us. Yeah, we've done Caller ID on her before. Which led to her calling every freaking 10 minutes for an hour, stopping, then starting again. Its honestly not worth the bombardment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckymom Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 When my MIL gets out of control DH is the only person who can stop her. It is hard for him as he is non-confrontational but he is the only person who's opinion she actually values. He has to tell her in no uncertain terms that she absolutely MAY NOT, EVER call before X hour in the afternoon. She must show self-control and if she chooses not to, he will have to help her by xyz... If works (at least for a while) when DH SPEAKS FIRMLY to my MIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in Central TX Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I would get a cheap Tracphone or other prepaid cell phone (we have ours through T-Mobile) and give that phone number only to your specialist and Workers Comp; then I would turn off the ringer to your regular house phone while you are teaching. Your MIL will never accept your boundaries, and she knows that she has you in corner because you need to be available for the specialist and WC calls. In her mind, you should be available for her too. Therefore, in order to change the outcome, you need to change the situation. Getting an unlisted and unknown cell phone for the needed calls will help you reestablish the boundaries with your MIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Hubby would be some ticked if I called the police on his mother. Add to the fact that she's in her 80s, and a call from the police would probably kill her. Literally. Hubby has talked to her. I've talked to her. If its something she doesn't want to hear, she doesn't hear it. Its an amazing ability, really. She is able to completely disregard anything she doesn't like. Even times that she's pushed completely too far, and has had consequences that she couldn't ignore, she was able to some how twist them up in her head so they became 'that little misunderstanding you had with me' rather than her actually taking responsibility for anything. Some days I don't know if I should be in complete awe of her abilities, or run shrieking for the hills. In talking to various family members, its a lifetime ability, not something recent. She's been like this her entire life, and they've all catered to it. I'm the only one that's actually protested :glare: My dh dealt with it by constantly moving so he was never available to host a visit with his mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomLovesClassics Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 She don't live close enough to show up unexpected if you refuse to answer does she. She is way overstepping the boundries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 If you turn the ringer off, your answering machine will still pick up, so when you hear the specialists call you can pick up then. At least this is what I have done when it's really important. Alison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Eighty year olds are tough man! I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Beth, that's an awesome idea. I'm going to look into that next payday, thanks! Allison, I have voicemail, not a seperate answering machine. I can't interrupt the message and have the phone call. Oh, and she lives really far away. No risk of drop in visits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alison in KY Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Okay, I'm outta ideas. Except to say that EVERYTIME an ambulance would drive by my grandmother's house she'd call to check on us. I miss those calls now that she is gone. Oh, she also called to tell me when Billy Graham was on TV.:D. I was like a teen and early twenties when I'd get that call, I'd flip it on for a minute just so if she asked I could say that I had seen it. Alison Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 And now for something totally different: :D Why don't you just answer the phone? Say you can't visit and you'll be done at whatever time and will call her back. If she's got a quick question, you answer and that's the end of it. It'd take you 5 minutes and satisfy her so she wouldn't need to call you back. I get interrupted a million times a day for a million reasons. I understand the frustration. At my house, we persist and get a lot done in spite of frequent distractions. It is a struggle to be patient with older people but I hope (and pray) that others will have patience with all of my blunders and intrusions when I am in my 80s. Currently, my mil who is 82, is visiting us. She's been here for three weeks. She's come from an assisted living facility where she is bathed, cooked for, taken care of completely into my home where I home school 5 kids ages 10 mos to 12. She is pretty high maintenance anyway but her recent move to assisted living seems to have given her total license to expect me to do everything for her. She won't be here (in my home or on Earth) for much longer. She raised dh and loves my kids. My mantra is be kind, be kind, be kind, drink wine, be kind. Just food for thought.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yvonne Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Isn't there something like call blocking? I thought you could set it to block certain incoming numbers & you can turn it on and off? yvonne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Maybe you could call her every morning and chat for 10 minutes BEFORE you start school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blessedwith7 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Something that we have done is to have an answering machine with a message that we use during the school hours. It says something like - Thank you for calling. School is in session right now, so we can't come to the phone. Our school hours are 8 - 11 and 1 - 3. We do not answer the phone during that time. Please call back between 11 - 1 or after 3 or leave your name and number and we will call you back. Have a great day. You can program it to pick up after the first or second ring and have your voicemail answer after the 4th ring or something so the voicemail doesn't answer when the school answering machine is on. We turn the school answering machine off when we aren't having school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 My apologies, I wasn't suggesting you actually do that and definitely not if she is in her 80's! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. People like this, NOTHING works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Second the answering machine during school hours. I personally hate phone call interruptions but know the concerns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J. at J.A. Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 If you turn the ringer off, your answering machine will still pick up, so when you hear the specialists call you can pick up then. At least this is what I have done when it's really important. Alison This is totally what we do. We screen every call and family knows that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Why don't *I* answer the phone, chat for a few minutes, and make an exit? Because when I've done that, she calls my husband, and complains how rude I was. If I'm not willing to spend a minimum of twenty minutes with her, I'm rude in her eyes. Period. There's no two ways about it. As for calling her before we start school...long story short, I prefer to have as little contact with MIL as possible. I've found that things get...changed...then sent through the family grapevine at incredible speed after her and I have had any communication. She and I are as different in personalities as you could ever hope to meet...which is why my husband married me :lol: Yes, he's flat out told me so. I'm very down to earth, blunt, matter of fact, deal with it as it comes. She's an hysterical attention seeking personality. Dh described her to me before I met her in person as, "a poodle on speed" :001_huh: I try to have grace. Truly. I try to be patient, to forgive. I remind myself of all the positives. I've worked with the elderly for my career, working in nursing homes, and long term care facilities, and home care, so its not at all that I have some weird impatience with the elderly or anything like that at all. I just have this really really strong intolerance when it comes to lying, emotional manipulation, and hysterics. :glare: I'm working on it. *sigh* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 It gets really hard sometimes, with family members that just refuse to respect the time it takes to homeschool, and feel no hesitation to stomp all over study time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's hard to get going again after one or two interruptions--nevermind someone who calls all day... Lately I've been getting crankier and crankier with people who do not value my time. For me it's my mom--and she *does* live close enough to just drop in. She's a bona-fide "church lady" (there whenever the doors are open), and my house happens to be conveniently located between her church and her home. Aren't I lucky? :tongue_smilie: Oh, and she brings food. Strange, half-eaten up, potluck leftover food. I am a willing and reasonably competent cook with 4 kids and an 18 cubic foot fridge. I have no room for other people's leftovers. I tell her to just come empty-handed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Impish, is she NPD? (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adams101 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I feel for you. When we got married, I was working at a middle school. I told the girls I worked with that if my MIL ever called, come get me immediately. His grandfather had a heart condition, and you never knew when he would go back in the hospital. Well, she called one day and told them to have me call her when I got a chance, but it wasn't important. She tends to play things down. They did what I asked, and came and got me out of class. I ran to the phone and called to see what was going on (this was back before EVERYONE had cell phones). She wanted to know if we wanted concert tickets! Their church was going to a concert and she wanted us to go. She knew I was at the school, working, and that we were not allowed personal calls since we were in class most of the day. That could have waited until 4 when I got home. We never had much to do with them when we lived in the same town, now we are 200 miles away! We were there last weekend, and didn't even call them. I leave that up to DH. We did go see his grandmother though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Impish, is she NPD? (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) No, that would be *my* mother. MIL is as I said before, a hysterical, attention seeking personality, emotionally manipulative, and not above full out lies to get her the attention she needs. Honestly, I don't know MIL well enough to say if she's NPD or not. Not a clue as to if she's jealous. Actually, that's not true either. I know she's jealous of my relationship with Wolf. She loathes that he and I are so close. She will literally sit btwn us on the couch to ensure that we aren't touching. She is also jealous of the attention our children get from us, and will compete with them for our attention when she's present. To give you an example: Wolf told her that we were taking the kids outside in the front yard to play, asked if she would like to join us. She insisted that she didn't want to go outside, and demanded everyone stay inside with her. Wolf told her, no, it was a beautiful day, the children needed to get outside and excersize, and we would be in the front yard if she changed her mind. She later threw a fit at him for 'abandoning her' and leaving her alone. :glare: We were outside the front door. For about a half hour. She may well be NPD. The more I think about it, and look at the list, the more I wonder. Some of it is a definite no though...esp the 'appearing tough minded or non emotional' I *want* to like her. I do. I've worked really hard to try to. I've worked to let things go. But every time she comes to our city, she pulls some stunt that blows all my good thoughts and intentions and hard work right out of the water and has me just shaking. It doesn't help either that my husband has as little tolerance for her antics as I do, but somehow has built up a bit of immunity that he braces himself and white knuckles it through the visits. I haven't had the years of practice he has! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fivetails Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Turn the ringer OFF. Yeah, workers comp or specialist may call - and they will leave a voicemail with a contact number for you to call back. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Sounds a lot like my stepdad's father. He tried to be "tough" though, but was actually very emotional. Heaven forbid a grandchild have a birthday and take too much attention away from him LOL! *sigh* (but granddad had his up sides also ;) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 I would get a cheap Tracphone or other prepaid cell phone (we have ours through T-Mobile) and give that phone number only to your specialist and Workers Comp; then I would turn off the ringer to your regular house phone while you are teaching. Your MIL will never accept your boundaries, and she knows that she has you in corner because you need to be available for the specialist and WC calls. In her mind, you should be available for her too. Therefore, in order to change the outcome, you need to change the situation. Getting an unlisted and unknown cell phone for the needed calls will help you reestablish the boundaries with your MIL. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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