3 yrs old and already unhappy in school?

[Linzy]

Sorry in advance that this is long, but I just could use some advice.

 

My son just turned 3 in May. At home he knows all his letters, letter sounds and is reading easy books on his own. He also is verbally very precocious. For example about 6 months ago we were driving and he asked me "I just noticed that you don't shift your car." When I informed him it was an automatic and shifted itself he said "That's the kind of car I would drive. It's safer than Daddy's car becasue you keep both hands on the wheel". To which I replied "Huh?"

 

Until about 6 months ago we had him at home with a nanny. She was only Spanish speaking and they spent days drawing, playing, cutting and reading. But my husband and I are both so busy and work such long hours (80/week each) that we rarely get out, outside of work and shopping on the weekends. So, we started to feel guilty that our son (an only child) had no friends. We researched extensively and found a Montessori school that was highly recommended under the thought that he would be able to work at his own level.

 

Now he is in school and to start with they wouldn't even move him to the class where they were learning letters (two classes away from where they start to work on reading). They said that because he won't do the jobs (he says they are boring) and just wants to sit and look at books.

 

Now they've finally moved him to the next class, but he still finds it boring. The jobs are things like looking at jars of things that start with the same letter and making the letter sound. This is something he's been doing since he was like 1.5 yrs. So he thinks the jobs are boring and just sits and plays with the "sound jars" that you shake and guess what is in them. As a result the teachers probably think we are crazy. Because he doesn't do the jobs that would show what he knows, not becuase he doesn't know them, but because they are really boring to him.

 

Not that I care what the teachers think but he has started saying he doesn't want to go to school and just asks us to stay at home with him. I don't want to kill his love of learning. My husband and I were both gifted and he ended up just dropping out to homeschool and I used to skip (although I got all A's) just becuase I couldn't stand to be there any more.

 

I've tried enriching him at home by working on things like cutting and writting and reading and then acting our fairy tales, but it just makes him dislike school more because they don't do those things.

 

I'd love to homeschool my son, but right now it's just not a possibility. I just want him to be happy. I don't want him to hate school and I don't want to kill his love of learning. I just don't know what to do. Is this a school issue, or a personality issue with my son? At home he is so bright and bubbly, singing and playing and happy. Sorry this is so long, I guess it is more of an airing of grievances than anything else but I just don't know who to talk to and would appreciate any advice from moms who've been there. Thanks.

[chaik76]

If homeschooling isn't an option right now, perhaps you could go back to having a nanny? It sounds like his nanny was far more fulfilling for him than the classroom environment is at this point.

[nmoira]

What about a non-academic preschool? Perhaps something Waldorf inspired? Some Waldorf schools are very dogmatic, especially about early reading, so you'd want to be careful. Alternatively, I know some very bright pre-schoolers who thrived in a Reggio Emilia preschool environment.

[Linzy]

Thanks for the ideas. I hadn't heard of either of those types of schools. I will have to look and see if they are an option around us. My husband is an advocate of going back to the nanny, but I just really want him to have some friendships. I guess I will research some of the other schooling options...

[Linzy]

Well I just looked, and I guess they don't have any of either types of schools anywhere nearby. But I think I will continue looking to see if there is anything similar. He does love imaginative play, so maybe something more playbased would be helpful. I thought because he was already excited about learning to read an academic program would be good for him. But,I guess an academic program that is boring him is probably worse than a play based school where he can just interact with kids and not worry about being unhappy by the fact that they won't challenge him.

[Amber in AUS]

Can you take a mixed approach? Could you find somewhere play based to send him a couple of days a week for that social interaction you are after and have a nanny for the other days. I have found my kids love to learn when it is a game, and they don't really realise they are learning, when there are no expectations and they are having fun with it. I don't think my DC would respond well to being made to do certain tasks to progress if they didn't find them stimulating activities.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm surprised that a Montessori school has the kids split up SO much. Most have multi-age classrooms to allow students to progress at their own pace. And they bring in work from the older rooms for kids that need it.

 

The one my mom worked at (and I worked at because of my mom) had a 3yo to 6yo room then the primary class. A 4yo that needed 1st-3rd grade materials would get them. But a 3yo that just needed kindergarten stuff would already have access to that.

 

Is there another Montessori classroom around, one that may be a better fit? You might also try a traditional childcare center, especially one that is NAEYC registered (they have a search on their website). There are some EXCELLENT preschool teachers in some of these schools, gems you'll be surprised to find. Many would be glad to help your son stretch.

 

But I think the Nanny idea is BEST. You can get him involved in classes in the community, do mother's day out one or two mornings per week, etc but that is really plenty for "socialization." Kids learn social skills from being with adults with social skills, not kids who haven't learned them yet themselves. Would you have the average 3rd grader teaching 3rd grade math classes? It just doesn't make sense to expect a kid that doesn't know multiplication to impart multiplication skills...and it doesn't make sense to expect a 3yo with limited social skills to impart social skills either. So give your child time with other kids, but don't stress about it too much.

[Spetzi]

Another thought is to find a TRUE Montessori. True Montessori schools don't separate by age and have multi-level activities in each class. Also, the child has most of the day "free" to wander about the classroom and work on something that is interesting to him. A good classroom will have many, many neat activities, most of which are not numbers and letters, but learning about nature, sorting and creating. The do not encourage fantasy play, though. *I* disagree w/Maria Montessori on this point. :thumbdown:

 

I think Montessori schools are excellent for gifted children because there is always something new to learn. Once you've learned all of your letters, you're done, but you can always learn more about birds, turtles, butterflies, and plants. Most preschoolers are not experts in all of these areas.

 

Best of luck finding something that suits him.

 

ETA: Would he be happier going to school in the morning, then having a nanny? I have no idea if that works for your family, but maybe a combination would fit his needs.

Edited June 10, 2009 by Spetzi

[wildflower]

Thanks for the ideas. I hadn't heard of either of those types of schools. I will have to look and see if they are an option around us. My husband is an advocate of going back to the nanny, but I just really want him to have some friendships. I guess I will research some of the other schooling options...

 

can't the nanny bring him to the park to play with other kids?

[Garga]

At three how much does he need other children as friends? Maybe you can re-define what "friends" are. Perhaps to him, his nanny and his parents are all the friends he needs while he's so little.

 

Then, later, when the other kids are caught up academically to him (K or 1st) you can put him in school with them.

 

It's just a thought that I haven't mused on for long, but you could muse over it.

[earthmother]

My belief is that even the most precocious children (perhaps more so than others) need to play. that is how they learn best. I think going back to a nanny who allows him to explore and experiment is the best thing for him. We didn't put our children in any preschool program. We let them spend hours drawing at the table, hours digging in the sand, and they were all very advanced in all areas. When my friend opened her Montessori school I put my ds in for one semester. I felt that stunted his creativity and knowledge more than anything. just my opinion....

[katilac]

If you can afford a nanny for him, then home schooling is certainly an option.

 

One who speaks a second language would be a HUGE plus, imo, and he doesn't need to follow any type of strict academic schedule at this age. If the nanny provides a positive environment (plenty of time to play, draw, sing, go to the zoo, visit the park or home school group, etc), whatever you and dh do in the way of enrichment will be more than enough.

 

Thinking ahead, you just need to consider options for when he is at a higher grade level. If the nanny is awesome, can she spend these years learning English? Is there a co-op or free lance classes to fill in the gaps? Tutors? Home schooled teen who can come twice a week?

 

Don't be too quick to assume that you can't home school. Your son is very young, and you have several years to figure out what might work for you.

[Storm Bay]

I think the spanish speaking nanny was a fabulous thing. Playing is a huge, enormous learning situation for all dc, including precocious dc. Boredom in school often leads to discouragement, disapointment and defeat. Many gifted children will quit trying. Also, dc that age do best with a consistent person taking care of them.

 

He doesn't need many friends at 3 in order to develop socially. If there is any way you can ever afford to cut back your work hours to something more like 40 hours (a huge jump for you, I know) then you could do a lot more with him, too.

 

In the meantime, I highly recommend a book called Hold on to Your Child that will give you some great insight on how to do this. Most dc in our society are peer oriented which is not the healthiest way for dc to be.

Edited June 10, 2009 by Karin

[The Governess]

My dd just finished a year at a preschool that she loved, it was very non-academic and they did a lot of pretend and free play, science experiments, outdoor play, etc. She worked in the garden, brought home tons of artwork and projects, memorized nursery rhymes, and learned quite a few songs and stories. She was the only child in the class that was reading when the year began (and she was reading fluently by that point) and was still never bored because they didn't really work on phonics. This preschool wasn't part of a particular program, it was just run by a local church. Maybe if you dig around you can find an independent preschool in your area with this type of philosophy?

 

If not, is the nanny willing to drive him to activities? If so, you might want to look into some art or music classes, gymnastics or other sports activities, etc. where he can interact with other kids in an environment that is not focused on academics at all. And have the nanny continue to work on academics with him at his level at home.

 

:grouphug: Hope you find something that works, it's so hard to see our kids unhappy.

[Jill- OK]

...going back to the nanny.

 

If she loves him, if he's happy, then forget about school and "friends" now. Like the others say, three years old isn't (IME) a time when friends are that important. (I'm assuming that he's not the one asking for friends, right? My answer might be different if he was truly lonely.) Someone home with him, encouraging him and nurturing him, is important (again, in my opinion). If it can't be a parent, then a sweet, caring nanny gets my vote.

 

What about playdates? Anyone that you could have come over to play, either on weekends or when he's with the nanny? Library classes, art museum programs...these are also things that provide some social time for Littles, and are fairly inexpensive and minimally disruptive to a home-based lifestyle.

[Terabith]

Not sure how it would work, but my first choice, given that you are both working 80 hrs a week, would be to have him stay with the nanny for the stability she provides. Learning Spanish and good modeling is sooooo great, too, especially if they are doing art projects and playing board games, and she is reading to him. I would encourage her to have him play outside a lot, too.

 

But, at three, I would try to offer him some exposure to peers, especially since he is an only child. I would look for a non-academic, play based preschool and enroll him two or three mornings a week. Alternatively, or additionally, think about other options. Playdates, swimming or gymnastics classes, library story times, play based music classes (like Music Together or Musikgarten or Kindermusik). That sort of thing.

[Brindee]

Remember, Preschool is a fairly new "invention"! Kids have grown up without preschool for MANY generations, and done absolutely fine! At that age, doing something a couple times a week, as others have said, then spending time with a fun Nanny should be great! It gives him the stability that he needs with you and your dh gone so much! He doesn't really need peers at that age, IMHO, he needs stability. It can be hard on little ones to have the parents basically absent from his life, and a boring school environment could just make him more frustrated and confused!

 

 

Hmmmm, I didn't mean that to sound rude, so if it did, I'm sorry. My point was just that he needs stability of home and love/caring each day, which it sounds like the Nanny gave him, and it sounds like HE liked MUCH more than peers and school!

[matrips]

his nanny sounds great! he's learning a second language and doing what little kids really love! reading and crafts with full time attention of an adult that loves him!

 

if you still have the nanny, perhaps you can try out some vacation bible schools this summer for him and see how he enjoys them. they'd be similar to what a play based preschool would be like. a few hours each morning for a week and then the rest of the day with the nanny. then perhaps in the fall, he could do preschool a couple mornings a week to be with other kids his age if you thinks he needs that.

[joannqn]

I'm with the nanny option. A good nanny can continue doing the academic things he enjoys and can take him to the park, or other social activities, for the play time with other kids.

[Truscifi]

I agree that this school doesn't sound much like a Montessori program. My ds was in one where the kids 3-7 were all together most of the day and worked on a variety of activities they chose, and each child was given work they were interested in and challenged by. Ds went from pre-k to 1st grade by the time he was 4. Then, sadly, the owners retired and the school closed (it was very small). Anyway, I would try to find a true montessori program. Barring that, going back to the nanny and incorporating some outside activities with other kids sounds like a good option.

[Quad Shot Academy]

I think you got lots of good suggestions, but if you really want to stick with the school he is in now, you could video tape him saying his letters, being bubbly and whatever else he is really good at. My mom had to tape record me talking for my teacher to believe that I could even speak! After showing them the video you could pressure them into trying him at the level you want or you will take your money elsewhere :001_smile:

[HeatherInWI]

Well, two thoughts.

 

First, If I were you, I'd do whatever it took to be able to have a parent at home to educate him and help him have chances to interact socially with other children. No amount of money makes up for the absence of a parent in the home. (This said as the child of a dual career couple who didn't have enough time, and who now regret having sold out to that.)

 

However, if you really can't care for him yourself, I'd suggest going back to the nanny system and having her take him to a non-academic preschool or playgroup a few times a week or set up playdates with other area dc for him. On playdates, academics don't really matter. I would suggest a bilingual nanny, preferably an educated one. My nieces, whose parents both work, were raised almost from birth by an educated stay-at-home mom babysitter (who cared for them along with her own children) who speaks both German and English fluently. This bilingualism has been very good for the girls. This woman also worked with them on academics, allowing them to go directly into advanced/GT classes when they started school.

 

However, keeping your son in a preschool he doesn't like and which has an artificial construct for learning seems a recipe for disaster. Kudos to you for paying attention and looking for something better!

[Linzy]

Thanks for all your advice. I guess the nanny really is starting to sound like a better option. Next July I am hoping to be able to cut my workload considerably to a situation where I am working only a few days a week. The problem for us is that the area we live in is not safe and hence we are reluctant to let the nanny take him out (a 16 year old child was recently run over and killed on the sidewalk less than a mile from my house). The nanny also doesn't drive and we have a pool in our backyard wo we keep the backdoor padlocked when we are not home. As a result he was being kept inside all day with no outdoor time and no chance to go elsewhere to interact.

 

But, we are expecting child number two and I don't think I want to send an infant to a daycare. So, I may be looking for a nanny again anyway. I just worry so much. I don't want to extinguish that light in my childs eyes, but I do want him to be safe and happy. Thanks again for so much good advice.

[ChristineMM]

Seems like the Montessori philosophy is not a match with your child. They are also not matching his ability to his work. That school just wants him to do activities X, Y, & Z because a kid his age they think should be doing that.

 

Even if you switch schools now this is the same issue that will come up in Kindergarten if you use a school. The schools have a philosophy and their method and the kids must conform to that pace and do those activities despite if they have mastered the content. Despite if it is 'busy work'.

 

You have hit upon a huge issue that describes why many homeschoolers do choose to homeschool--so we can customize our children's education to their ability, go faster when necessary, slower, and use alternative education methods.

 

I hope you find a good fit. Good luck with your quest.