WWYD...name change of a child

[Tap]

We are legal permanent guardians of dd2. She will not be going back to her bio mom or dad. Bio mom is my niece and has had no contact with us since the paper work was finalized in October. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from us, and knows how to contact us. Bio dad lives about 5 hours away and has had minimal contact (2 phone calls, 1 attempt to visit-date didn't work for us).

 

I do not like dd2's birth name at all. No one in my family does..it is a made up name and is a pain due to pronunciation. She has a hyphenated last name, neither of which is the same as ours. Her middle name is a name that I don't care for, dh hates, and is one you would expect on a stripper.

 

We have called her by a different name for a year. It is a family name from someone in the 1920's, and a nod to a family member who also took in a neice (my grandmother). It is not even remotely like her birth name, so there is no way to keep it and call it a nickname. We are going to change her name legally in the next year or so. We will name her with our last name, the name we call her for her first name, but her middle name is still up in the air.

 

 

We had always planned to keep her birth first name, but move it to her middle name. It doesn't sound good with her new first name, but it was a way to acknowledge that part of her life. As time goes on, and her bio parents fade out of the picture, I am leaning toward picking a new middle name as well. I know they will continue to call her by her birth name. At 2you if you ask her who "birth name" is, she just looks at you with blank eyes. She has no idea that it is her name even though she was called that name until she was 1 1/2. That is part of the odd thing. She never really answered to her birth name, but as soon as we settled on her new name, she immediately answered to it!

 

In our state, we can change her name through the courts legally with minimal notification to the bio parents. We have told them both of our intentions at the last court hearing. They weren't happy but really have no choice.

 

What do you think? What is your opinion on keeping her birth name as her middle name? Do you think that since the parents are fading out of the picture, we should just change it to a name we prefer? If your adopted, what would you prefer?

[mrsrevmeg]

If she answers better to the name you call her, then I say go for it. I would think twice about keeping the middle name only to change it later. That just might cause confusion later for her.

Blessings

[SonshineLearner]

I say change it....Is her first name a name you've EVER heard before?? Do you consider it a gift or a curse?? Is there a shorter name for it? And, when they visit her, they need to stick with her name.....or just "baby girl"...eventually they'll remember and see what a great job you're doing. Names are gifts:)

 

Carrie

[Jill- OK]

You know, you never know how kids will react to things later in life, and I'd want to make an effort to show her, later on, that you wanted to honor the way she came to you, at least a little bit, just in case there's a bit of identity crisis at some point.

 

I know this wasn't part of your plan, but my thought is that if I were in your shoes, I'd actually keep her first and middle name, and use them both as middle names.

 

The first name is the one you'll call her, the one she will identify with the most. The most meaningful one.

 

But I'd keep the others as a nod to her birth family, even if it's inconvenient, or a little less than ideal.

 

Just in case it means something to her, when she's older. (You'll be the bigger person, for holding on to a wacky couple of names as a respectful gesture, lol.)

 

*She* can always choose to change her name further, when she's older.

 

JMO.

[Ravin]

I'd probably keep the first name she has now as a middle name, or as the first name and make the name you call her her middle name if it sounds better that way. Alternately, you could make her last name now her middle name, or one of them.

 

My mom is adopting, and they're probably going to change little bro's middle name. They've called him by his first all along, which just happens to be a pretty standard first name and a family name in my stepdad's family, but he'll probably get stepdad's dad's first name as his middle name, and of course their last name. Mom doesn't like his given middle name, and I can't say I blame her.

 

In the end, it's up to you. She can always change it some other way when she's older if she doesn't like it.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't have a middle name at all, and have lived a happy life without. Does she need one? Perhaps the absence of a middle initial is a suitable memorial of the absent parents.

 

Rosie

[FlockOfSillies]

Change it all. Or you could leave out a middle name completely.

[asta]

Having lived in the capital of "let's make up a name for our baby," I applaud you and your DH for doing this.

 

We had a thread somewhere once upon a time about horrific names/spelling we had encountered. One that always sticks in my craw was "Khrstl."

 

Yep, Crystal. Could they not have even bothered with a "Y"? I mean, the KH thing was bad enough...

 

 

a

[JFSinIL]

I'm with Jill...if possible, keep the odd first name she has now as her new middle name. I mean, how often does anyone use their middle name? When dd is a teenager, she may either appreciate that you kept this remnant of her beginning - or detest it, and then she can pick a new middle name herself. but I'd keep it for now as a gesture.

 

When bio mom uses it remind her, gently, that "Shawna-Deedle-Dee" is the MIDDLE name now, and the child answers to "Susy-Q" (names obviously made up by moi!)

[jolley]

We adopted two of my children. Ds's first name was Qoime!!!!! We were thankful they gave him a good middle name and call him by that and he picked out his own middle name (Joseph, I can live with that). We choose to change the spelling of his brothers name (one of those Kh names). Ultimately that decision is yours and your husbands. If you have a way to let them know what you have changed their names to that may work out as well.

[unsinkable]

We adopted two of my children. Ds's first name was Qoime!!!!! We were thankful they gave him a good middle name and call him by that and he picked out his own middle name (Joseph, I can live with that). We choose to change the spelling of his brothers name (one of those Kh names). Ultimately that decision is yours and your husbands. If you have a way to let them know what you have changed their names to that may work out as well.

 

How do you pronounce that? :confused:

[WishboneDawn]

I tend to think you're well within your rights to change her last name and to bump her first name to second name status but I'd balk at taking away any names.

 

Ultimately they are her names and they tell her story. I think it would be a real gift to her to let her choose what to do with them when she is older.

[Impish]

I tend to think you're well within your rights to change her last name and to bump her first name to second name status but I'd balk at taking away any names.

 

Ultimately they are her names and they tell her story. I think it would be a real gift to her to let her choose what to do with them when she is older.

:iagree:My husband is adopted. Until the age of 2, he was called by his birthname. Then suddenly, he was out of his foster parents home, the only home he knew, shoved in with this strange woman, who called him by another name. She changed his name completely, even though he absolutely knew his name.

 

I realize its different for your little one, but I'd really encourage you to keep her names as middle names and just use the name you call her as her first name. When she's older, it will be reassuring to her that you didn't attempt to erase her past, but accepted her completely, and didn't try to make her over in your image. This is something that I've heard from many adoptees.

[Kelli in TN]

My sister-in-law adopted a child from Romania when he was about 2 years old. She changed his first and middle name and he adapted to it just fine. He is aware of his cultural background and knows how he came to be her son and the name change has never even been a blip on the radar screen of what matters in life.

 

If it meant something to YOU to keep a piece of her name, could you maybe take part of the first name, maybe a syllable that has a nice ring to it, and use it for the middle name? Or is there part of the bio mom's name you could use for the middle name?

 

But unless it matters to you, I would not sweat it. I doubt it will matter to your dd. Children care about who loves them and raises them more than they care about names. (Unless they are funny names that get them teased, then they care a whole lot)

[kalanamak]

 

What do you think? What is your opinion on keeping her birth name as her middle name? Do you think that since the parents are fading out of the picture, we should just change it to a name we prefer? If your adopted, what would you prefer?

 

She is 2.5.

 

I'd change her name to the first name you've called her, some short and sweet middle name that goes well with 1st and last name, and your last name. This kid has enough shuffling and should fit into your family as MUCH as possible. She can always change it when she is grown up.

 

IM-not so humble-O.

[lynn]

Oh yes, change her name and when she gets older and wants to know the story behind her name you can tell her birth name and give her the option to legally change it back if she so chooses at age X.

[SilverMoon]

I was adopted and had the last name changed at 11yo. At the time a first and middle name change wouldn't have bothered me, and I probably would have welcomed it. For what it's worth, I still feel the same way today. My first and middle names are pretty normal, but I'm still embarrassed to tell anyone how they came about. I always finish that story with a, "Well, they were high at the time." (Probably true, considering I was born high.) Then I bean dip my way far away from my origins.

 

Coming from that experience, I'd change first and middle names in your circumstance. Keep the papers with the original name on it and let it be known that it can come back if she wants it.

[HeatherLynn]

I can speak from the other side as my g.parents adopted me and changed my name. However, I was 10 and I LIKED my birthname. Still, I have gotten used to my name. We were going to adopt a 2 year old and change his name 100%. If you don't like her name, change the whole thing at once and let her grow up with it.

[lionfamily1999]

My neighbor is changing his daughter's name, completely. Situation is a little different, she is his bio child and was born while he was in Iraq, her mother had become a meth addict while he was gone and really botched her name. Now that psycho mom is out of the picture, Dad is changing the whole shebang.

 

I would say, do it. I couldn't imagine the little girl across the street trying to explain that her name is Jocelyn and spelled Jostlelin, because her mom was a druggie.

[Dirtroad]

We have a family at church who adopted 3 girls after they had been taken away from the Mom by the state. The "given names" were acceptible and the girls were elementary age & used to them.

 

However, the family wanted to girls to feel apart of "the family". So, they changed the girls names. Each girl got a middle name of a relative - the one they seemed to bond with or perhaps had a similar personality.

 

Not the exact same situation, but I thought they did the name change very well. It didn't completely change what the girls were named, but it offers a bridge into the new life & new family. I thought they handled it with respect & so much love!

 

Maybe something is helpful.

[Tap]

Thanks for all your input, I will talk more about it to dh today. I really appreciate your thoughts as it helps us see more sides to the situation. I have asked around with my friends who were adopted, and most of them say they would be fine with either resolution.

[Twinmom]

I see no problem with changing the name totally if you need to do so. At her age, esp. after she's learned to be called something else, she should adjust just fine. You can always explain your reasons for doing so at a later age and give her the option to change back. That's probably what I'd do under the circumstances. However, I also agree that there is merit to honoring a birth history through a name, no matter if it is bizarre (now, the stripper thing is another story! ;) I'm talking just the first name here.) Is there a way that you can abbreviate the current first name and use that as a middle name? Perhaps a nickname based on it, or even perhaps use some initials from that name? If that is possible, I'd do that just to honor her history. If not, unburden the poor child of the strange name and I'll bet you she'll thank you for it someday! :D

[KrissiK]

Oh, definitely change it. We changed the first names of our sons and kept their given names as a middle name when we adopted them. Especially if the child is all for it, I'd say do it!

[Mommyof4ks]

You know, you never know how kids will react to things later in life, and I'd want to make an effort to show her, later on, that you wanted to honor the way she came to you, at least a little bit, just in case there's a bit of identity crisis at some point.

 

I know this wasn't part of your plan, but my thought is that if I were in your shoes, I'd actually keep her first and middle name, and use them both as middle names.

 

The first name is the one you'll call her, the one she will identify with the most. The most meaningful one.

 

But I'd keep the others as a nod to her birth family, even if it's inconvenient, or a little less than ideal.

 

Just in case it means something to her, when she's older. (You'll be the bigger person, for holding on to a wacky couple of names as a respectful gesture, lol.)

 

*She* can always choose to change her name further, when she's older.

 

JMO.

 

:iagree:

[Garga]

When have you ever used your middle name, unless you were monogramming a hankie?

 

Just skip the middle name or use the original first name. It really doesn't matter.

[wildflower]

in my pre-natal classes for DD1, the instructor told us about a child who was named placenta (teenage girl heard the word used in the delivery room of the hospital, thought it was pretty). why would they let her do that?

 

i have no middle name.

 

is it really that big of a deal if she has NMI?

 

this child is blessed with the opportunity at a fresh start. names are minimal in the big scheme of things.

good for you to be doing such a good deed for this child.

 

as someone who favors family names- i think that is a lovely idea & gives the child a tie to someone who was a great person who gave of themselves.

[chaik76]

name.

 

I realize its different for your little one, but I'd really encourage you to keep her names as middle names and just use the name you call her as her first name. When she's older, it will be reassuring to her that you didn't attempt to erase her past, but accepted her completely, and didn't try to make her over in your image. This is something that I've heard from many adoptees.

As someone who had one of my names taken away, I agree with this. Please keep both as her middle name.

[Dobela]

We just adopted a 2 yr old from foster care. She has been with us since she was born though. Her first name was lovely when spoken but spelled like an alphabetical train wreck. The middle name was the same as her biological mother-who is a very dangerous person at the moment. After we discovered that both were family names that would make it easier to locate her, we changed the spelling of the first name to phonetically match the pronunciation and then allowed our son to pick the middle name. Some day we will tell her why her name was changed and her original name, but for now I have no problems having changed it. When she is an adult, she is welcome to change her name back if she wants.

[Ellie]

My vote: change her name to what *you* want. You're her parents.

[hsmom27]

I'd change her first name to what you've been calling her and keep both current names as her middle names. You never really use middle names anyway, but then she has them and can use them later if she wants. As an AP, I really feel pretty strongly that you shouldn't take away one of the only things she got from her first parents. JMO

[EmilyK]

Both my kids have 2 middle names and it hasn't caused them any problems so far. On most things, we just use the first middle name.

 

I also know adults that go by names totally unrelated to their birth cert name. I'm not sure I'd recommend that these days since it might be a hassle traveling. My kids get asked their names by TSA when we fly and we have to remind my son who goes by a middle name to answer to his first name.

[skaterbabs]

I know this wasn't part of your plan, but my thought is that if I were in your shoes, I'd actually keep her first and middle name, and use them both as middle names.

 

The first name is the one you'll call her, the one she will identify with the most. The most meaningful one.

 

As someone who had one of my names taken away, I agree with this. Please keep both as her middle name.

 

 

I agree. My mother passed away when I was six years old and my first & last names were changed before a month was out. While it was (at the time) just yet another change at a very confusing time, as I grew up it has bothered me. Not enough to change it (that's insanely expensive & difficult unless it's for a marriage) but enough that when our daughter was born I insisted that my original first name be part of her first name.

[jujsky]

Have you considered having 2 middle names? We did that for our son, adopted from Russia at 6 months old. He has a first name that we both liked, DH's first name as his first middle name, and his birth name as his second name. Yes, it's a bit long and cumbersome, but on his SS card and such he's listed as First Name A.V. Last Name. We also wanted to honor the first part of his life, and we figure that if he's unhappy having 2 middle names when he is older, we can get it legally changed at that point. We want it to be his decision though.

[littleWMN]

We got my daughter as an infant and changed her full name. Her full name was only one letter away from biological mothers - who was/is a potential threat. Plus, we could not stand the name. We wanted her to have the benefit of fitting into our family and having a name we adore and lovingly chose.

[SonshineLearner]

I'd have to say..changing a 2 year olds name that doesn't remember her old name anyway...shouldn't be that big of a deal. I'd say the bigger deal is explaining a name that you think it weird. I would think about keeping one name for the middle...or a combo of both first and middle. (And picking the first name you like)

Having two names for forms...filling out other papers....Graduation (even homeschool:-) Say the name you want like she's graduating...and pick what sounds good to you:-) It's a gift...and if you're taking care of her...it's yours to give. (I might feel differently if her mom had been great...and say...got killed in a tragic accident.)

Carrie:-)

[Kate CA]

My sister-in-law adopted a child from Romania when he was about 2 years old. She changed his first and middle name and he adapted to it just fine. He is aware of his cultural background and knows how he came to be her son and the name change has never even been a blip on the radar screen of what matters in life.

 

If it meant something to YOU to keep a piece of her name, could you maybe take part of the first name, maybe a syllable that has a nice ring to it, and use it for the middle name? Or is there part of the bio mom's name you could use for the middle name?

 

But unless it matters to you, I would not sweat it. I doubt it will matter to your dd. Children care about who loves them and raises them more than they care about names. (Unless they are funny names that get them teased, then they care a whole lot)

 

I completely agree with Kelli!

[mom2agang]

I talked to my sister about this My little sister was adopted out of foster care when she was 3 1/2 and my parents changed her name completely. She is 25 and has met her birth family. She has no regrets having her name completely changed. She said that they are her biological parents not her family. She is happy to be a part of our family and doesn't have to live with the reminder of her biological family who failed to take care of the responsibility they had. She said it would bother her keeping any biological name.

[Mom0012]

I would change the name without hesitating. She is your daughter, so why shouldn't you name her? Now, if she was older or attached to the name, I would think very differently, but in this case, I see nothing wrong with it.

 

Lisa

[Orthodox6]

The existing name hasn't been divulged, but was described as a name that might cause offense, give a bad impression, or provoke teasing of the child. Those seem like good reasons to make a complete name change.

 

When a child is adopted from another country, I strongly oppose changing the child's name. Period. (unless the name has an offensive translation)

[dcjlkplus3]

You know, you never know how kids will react to things later in life, and I'd want to make an effort to show her, later on, that you wanted to honor the way she came to you, at least a little bit, just in case there's a bit of identity crisis at some point.

 

I know this wasn't part of your plan, but my thought is that if I were in your shoes, I'd actually keep her first and middle name, and use them both as middle names.

 

The first name is the one you'll call her, the one she will identify with the most. The most meaningful one.

 

But I'd keep the others as a nod to her birth family, even if it's inconvenient, or a little less than ideal.

 

Just in case it means something to her, when she's older. (You'll be the bigger person, for holding on to a wacky couple of names as a respectful gesture, lol.)

 

*She* can always choose to change her name further, when she's older.

 

JMO.

:iagree:

[bella_gitana]

As an adult adoptee, I will say that if you do change her name completely, please explain to her the situation when she is older. How ever odd or ridiculous the name might be, it is still part of her life story. My adoption was closed so I don't know my given birth name and really wish I did.

 

If my parents had known and wanted to keep some part of it, that would have been fine. If the name was so odd that they could not make it work, I would have understood that as well.

 

Hugs,

[mommaduck]

IME, I wished people had left my name alone. My first and middle name were switched around and I was given my stepdad's surname. At least they didn't get rid of it altogether. (and my original first name was considered "ridiculous" also...I have had people laugh at it, but I use my name in it's original form now, not it's legal form unless necessary).

Edited June 10, 2009 by mommaduck

[Erica in PA]

We are legal permanent guardians of dd2. She will not be going back to her bio mom or dad. Bio mom is my niece and has had no contact with us since the paper work was finalized in October. She lives about 30-40 minutes away from us, and knows how to contact us. Bio dad lives about 5 hours away and has had minimal contact (2 phone calls, 1 attempt to visit-date didn't work for us).

 

I do not like dd2's birth name at all. No one in my family does..it is a made up name and is a pain due to pronunciation. She has a hyphenated last name, neither of which is the same as ours. Her middle name is a name that I don't care for, dh hates, and is one you would expect on a stripper.

 

We have called her by a different name for a year. It is a family name from someone in the 1920's, and a nod to a family member who also took in a neice (my grandmother). It is not even remotely like her birth name, so there is no way to keep it and call it a nickname. We are going to change her name legally in the next year or so. We will name her with our last name, the name we call her for her first name, but her middle name is still up in the air.

 

 

We had always planned to keep her birth first name, but move it to her middle name. It doesn't sound good with her new first name, but it was a way to acknowledge that part of her life. As time goes on, and her bio parents fade out of the picture, I am leaning toward picking a new middle name as well. I know they will continue to call her by her birth name. At 2you if you ask her who "birth name" is, she just looks at you with blank eyes. She has no idea that it is her name even though she was called that name until she was 1 1/2. That is part of the odd thing. She never really answered to her birth name, but as soon as we settled on her new name, she immediately answered to it!

 

In our state, we can change her name through the courts legally with minimal notification to the bio parents. We have told them both of our intentions at the last court hearing. They weren't happy but really have no choice.

 

What do you think? What is your opinion on keeping her birth name as her middle name? Do you think that since the parents are fading out of the picture, we should just change it to a name we prefer? If your adopted, what would you prefer?

 

For some reason, though I couldn't really articulate why at this moment, I guess I feel like a person's birth name is significant, and shouldn't be changed by anyone but themselves when they are old enough. If I were adopting, I wouldn't feel comfortable changing a child's name to suit my preferences. That child had a life and an identity before I knew him/her, and his/her name would be part of that. Otherwise I'd almost feel as if I were suggesting that child's identity began when I adopted her, or that what happened before that time (including her name) didn't matter much. So I wouldn't have changed the first name to begin with. Since that has already been done, I would at least feel compelled to leave it as her middle name, to keep that part of her identity.

[HeatherLynn]

For some reason, though I couldn't really articulate why at this moment, I guess I feel like a person's birth name is significant, and shouldn't be changed by anyone but themselves when they are old enough. If I were adopting, I wouldn't feel comfortable changing a child's name to suit my preferences. That child had a life and an identity before I knew him/her, and his/her name would be part of that. Otherwise I'd almost feel as if I were suggesting that child's identity began when I adopted her, or that what happened before that time (including her name) didn't matter much. So I wouldn't have changed the first name to begin with. Since that has already been done, I would at least feel compelled to leave it as her middle name, to keep that part of her identity.

 

You could also say though, that when a child has had a horrible start in life, that changing their name signifies a new life...one that is nothing like the old one. If I adopted a toddler or infant and did not like their name, I PROMISE you I would change it.

[Kate CA]

You could also say though, that when a child has had a horrible start in life, that changing their name signifies a new life...one that is nothing like the old one. If I adopted a toddler or infant and did not like their name, I PROMISE you I would change it.

 

Me too. I completely agree with you. I think what Tap Tap Tap is doing is amazing and that child will forever benefit. :001_smile:

[Erica in PA]

Me too. I completely agree with you. I think what Tap Tap Tap is doing is amazing and that child will forever benefit. :001_smile:

 

 

I disagree with you on the name issue, but I agree that the child will greatly benefit from being in her new home.

[Rich with Kids]

I would do it. My DD15 wants to change the spelling of her name. For some reason I just feel like it gives her some control. (Her bio-bi&*%) mom left her when she was 9. We are getting a legal name change for her 16th birthday at her request. ($250!) I think it helps her distance herself from her bio-mom. I'm all for that.