What would you do?

[Rich with Kids]

I had something pretty awful happen to me in college. I blamed myself for years but, I think I have finally forgiven myself and it's changing my life for the better. When I realized how it was directly affecting me, it's like a light bulb went off.

 

I feel like my DDs and my Dss would benefit from knowing what happened to me when they are the right age. My DD is very mature for her age, but still a child. I am not sure how this information might affect her, but I feel strongly that I need to share it with her. Is there something in your past that you feel would help your kids if they knew about it? How would you know they are ready to handle it? Thanks!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Just like I approach "the birds and the bees" in a piecemeal approach as they are able to handle it, I approach some of these life lessons in the same way. When I was in high school I drank heavily. I've talked to my kids in a general sort of way about alcohol from when they were fairly little. (While I usually stay away from alcohol, I'm not a teetotaler by the way).

 

Some other stuff (ie. 'not protecting the gift' sort of stuff) is harder. They do know some general stuff in light of what I teach them about personal safety. They know some general scenarios about how you can be hurt by not being diligent. I was hurt because of being so naive (my parents didn't teach me anything that would help me to protect myself). I don't want my children to grow up so naive. But I would find it very difficult to tell them my particular story. I found it very difficult to tell my dh about it even though he has been nothing but supportive.

[Michelle in AL]

I bring things up from my past as they enter the age when they may encounter a similar situation. My dd is 15, as she's started going out alone with friends we've talked about the possible things she could encounter and discuss different ways to handle it so she'll be prepared if the situation arises (smoking, drugs, alcohol, unwarranted male advances). I share what I've seen or done only if it will show her that I can empathize or that I have a reason to believe some things should be avoided.

 

That said, I've had terrible things happen to me as a child that I know won't happen to my children. I don't plan to share these things since they reflect very negatively on their grandparents. These situations couldn't reoccur. The only way I can imagine sharing them is if the events were causing me obvious mental distress and I wanted them to understand. I would only share this when they were adults.

[Rich with Kids]

Some other stuff (ie. 'not protecting the gift' sort of stuff) is harder. They do know some general stuff in light of what I teach them about personal safety. They know some general scenarios about how you can be hurt by not being diligent. I was hurt because of being so naive (my parents didn't teach me anything that would help me to protect myself). I don't want my children to grow up so naive. But I would find it very difficult to tell them my particular story. I found it very difficult to tell my dh about it even though he has been nothing but supportive.

 

I have spoken to her in general about it when we had the birds and the bees talk. I just wonder if it would have more impact if they knew it happened to me. I don't want to hurt them, but it affected my life so deeply. I am just getting to a place of forgiveness and I now notice some of the self destructive behavior I used to deal with it. My thoughts are to really hammer home how bad choices can affect your life. What do you think?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have spoken to her in general about it when we had the birds and the bees talk. I just wonder if it would have more impact if they knew it happened to me. I don't want to hurt them, but it affected my life so deeply. I am just getting to a place of forgiveness and I now notice some of the self destructive behavior I used to deal with it. My thoughts are to really hammer home how bad choices can affect your life. What do you think?

 

Well, 20 some years later, I still have nightmares and flashbacks at times. So I don't know how dispassionately I could talk about it. And I would want it to be somewhat dispassionate because I don't think they could handle the full force of the emotion I feel about it.

 

I think if I were able to, I might talk in general terms about it. "I've had some bad experiences. I was (_______) and it affected my life in many ways. Because of that experience I started to do (______). I wish that I had done (________) to possibly have avoided having it happen. I hope that kind of thing never happens to you. But if it does, I hope you feel comfortable coming to me and we'll get through it together."

[Orthodox6]

I will not be telling my children about my "nightmare years". It would hurt them so badly to hear about torment which was NOT my fault. They would be filled with rage toward the perpetrator, and with deep pain to know what their mother endured.

 

In other words, nothing beneficial would come from it.

[Dobela]

I would wait until they were adults. My children want to protect me and I think it would seriously bother them to know anything like that happened to me. It could cause a lot of guilt and oversensitivity that they are not prepared for (or responsible for). It could also lead to unrational fears.

 

Some terrible things happened to my grandmother as a child and she shared them at very early ages to me. At first they didn't bother me but then as I aged and gained new perspective thru maturity it did bother me and sometimes made me unnecessarily afraid and distressed. I eventually had to go thru counseling to deal with it all.

[AndyJoy]

I am generally a believer in not telling kids about tramatic things from one's past unless the child is engaging in behavior that is likely to lead to a similar result. I think it can end up being a burden to the kid to know such things.