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My world has been turn upside down…..


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My 18 year old just graduated one week ago – I am really proud of him for graduating and sticking it out with mom. Homeschooling was a wonderful experience. Last night he sat me and his father down and told us that he’s been talking to a 22 year-old women on the phone for two years and that he would like to meet her. She’ll be flying across five states to meet my son next week or today if she can find plane tickets. She’ll be staying in a Hotel for a week and my son will meet with her after work. I can tell my son has feeling for this person even though they have never met – its extremely difficult for me accept this. I have been crying since last night and did not sleep a wink. Apparently, she doesn’t come from a good family (a brother who’s been in and out of jail and an older sister that has children from different men) My son also told me this girl lost her job recently and cries to my son that she wants to see him. My son has never had a girlfriend so I’m afraid this person might take advantage of that. I don’t know what to do – I don’t want to lose my son. Sorry for posting here but I have nowhere else to turn.

 

Update:

My son came home early from work because he wanted to spend time with me. By this time I had read your posts so I was prepared to talk with him. Last night all I could do was cry. Today I sat with him and had a long talk hoping that I can break through his heart. I don’t know if it did much good but it got him thinking. His reason for keeping the secret was that he didn’t want to hurt me. I did tell him it hurt me more that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I told him his not only my son but his also my friend and other things that I can’t post here. He cried. As of this afternoon, she’ll arrive tomorrow (her father bought her ticket – you imagine that). Please keep me and my family in your prayers.

Update:

It's midnight and the women never arrived! Its been a roller coaster ride. My huband and I decided not to allow our son to put this girl in a hotel. I was going to put my values aside and allow this women to stay in my home and my husband was going to go with my son to the airport to pick her up. Since 12:00 this afternoon my son has was been hearing different excuses why this person was not at the airport. The women's father change his mind and took her plane ticket away, then left and never came back, and finally took her car away. My son is emotionally drained and hurt so please I ask you again, keep us in your prayers.

Edited by LearnFromHome
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:grouphug: I'm so sorry. This would be a very scary situation. I don't have much advice for you. I don't know what I would do. It is hard because he is 18. But...he has never had a girlfriend before and she is older and from a difficult background and as you said, the potential for her to take advantage of him is definately there.

 

Will he not listen to your DH? All you can do is tell him of the possible danger and plead with him to be cautious. But I think he probably thinks he "knows" her well since they have been talking for 2 years. OH...man...tough situation. I hope it goes okay for him.

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I'm so sorry--what a yucky situation.

I can somewhat relate, because my eldest son only has had one girlfriend and is a little naive in that dept still. At one point he developed a crush on a family friend's dd that we had not seen in 7 years; they had spent time facebooking each other. She was wise enough to see it wasn't a healthy thing--he gets too serious too quickly. Then he met another irl girl, and she's a peach, but they broke up. Again, he wore his heart on his sleeve and got it broken (although he said it was mutual).

 

I'd say you can give him wise counsel, and, if he's living at home still, suggest to him that he invite her over to your house to meet. See if he's open to gently asking why that's not acceptable if he says no. Perhaps he can see some logic in your request if you present it unemotionally (with your husband).

And, if you are a woman of faith, pray, Honey.

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First things first: take a deep breath. Let it out slowly.

 

Now, what strikes me is that the first thing your son did was TELL you and his dad. That is the mark of a great, responsible, level-headed kid.

 

I know many people who met their future spouses online and have gone on to have excellent marriages. While your son is a little young for anything like that, the fact that he met her online shouldn't count against either of them or any potential relationship.

 

Second, she is a couple of years older, but in the grand sceme of things that is not a huge age difference, and again we come back to the maturity shown by your son. He doesn't sound like your average 18 yo to me.

 

Third, lots of people come from bad families. That doesn't mean that they are going to cause trouble. Additionally, in this economy, lots of people have lost their jobs.

 

Don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough trouble of it's own. Before making up your mind that this woman is a horrible person out to harm your child, meet her and get to know her. Ask your son (respecting the fact that he is an adult now) to promise you and his dad that he'll wait a year or two before making any drastic descisions. If you respect him in the matter, he's far more likely to respect you.

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I had a young friend recently get divorced from him HS sweetheart. He was so very innocent about how devious people can be and wanted to travel to Bosnia to meet a girl he met on the internet. All I could do was gently tell him how bad some people are (especially when you are a "rich american" abroad) or I ran the risk of pushing him totally away because he was so focused on the love that this girl professed.

 

Be totally honest with your son that you are concerned for him and make sure he knows all of the potential problems ahead of time, while not directly saying that this girl is a a terrible person. As long as you can maintain self-control and keep it on a respectful level, at least you will know that he understands your POV and knows what could happen. At the very least, encourage him to not give her any money. Although, if that was what she wanted, you would think she probably would have already tried to get it since they have known each other this long.

 

Incidentally, people who come from "good families" can do really bad things. Even people from good, Christian families.

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I'd suggest remaining open and supportive no matter how difficult it is for you. The truth is that he's considered a man at his age and can do anything he chooses to do. And in my experience, a partner will come out ahead over a parent.

 

I'm dealing with the same thing with my dd17, except I know about it. Her "boyfriend" is in another state. They want to meet but I'm adamantly refusing. She's making grand plans about when she turns 18, so all I can do is focus on the next 11.5 months to make sure she gets her high school diploma because at age 18, she'll be considered a legal adult who can make her own choices.

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I have a 19 year old ds and have dealt with a couple of girl situations with him. I would keep communication open with him. Let him know that you trust his judgement and maturity but that you can also see some potential concerns. I would be open to meeting her and having her visit at the home. At least that way you could get to know her better and there may not be as much alone time. Also, it would be good for him to see how she interacts with all of you. My son has fallen head over heals a couple of times and has fallen "out of love" just as quickly.

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I'd say to remind him that he's "pure" and that until he knows her in person, that should be first. See if he's open to having a fun week with you. Plan dinners, talk with her lots, visit wherever.... Remind him that he should see how they would fit in your family. See how she treats him, how she treats his siblings..... Remind him that she's older...and quite possibly carries baggage. Invite her to be part of your life.....

Carrie:-)

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I'm sure he already is involved, but I would make it a man to man thing and have your husband handle this as much as he can.

 

Personally, I know I sound like a nut, but if you have enough info. on the girl, I'd have a thorough background check run on her. Then if anything comes of it, your husband can talk to your son about it. (Maybe she's already had a child and hasn't told your son etc. etc.)

 

Last, I have to be honest: I met my husband when he was 20 and I was 24. His mom wasn't happy in the least. (Course I had a college degree and came from a "good" home, but even so, his mom didn't like me.)

 

19 years later we're still here. We have our up's and down's but I'm betting we'll be together into the rocking chair years.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd also start seeing a family therapist. That kind of support may help you see things from a different perspective so that you can make wise choices that will ultimately benefit your son. And your family.

 

I'm so sorry. Take care. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

Alicia

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Her sibs aren't her fault. Please don't hold them against her.

 

What would bother me most is that your son is just now telling you about this woman that he's been talking to for two years! Why hasn't this been mentioned before? Was nothing noticed on the phone bill?

 

Something just isn't sitting right here.

 

I wish you all the best. Express your concerns gently, but I don't think there's anything else you can do. If you come on strong, you're likely to make her seem even more enticing. What a tough situation.

 

I'm sorry :grouphug:

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:iagree: Good point. Two years later?

 

You know what else I would do? I mean after I cried my eyes out? I'd put on the Ritz for this lady: I'd roll out the red carpet.

 

I believe in the power of reverse psychology. The more you treat her like a visiting princess, the more brain room your son will have for noticing her flaws. If his brain is working over time to get mom and dad on board then he might not be noticing problems with this "relationship."

 

I'd fight fire w/ fire. Kill the friendship w/ kindness if she doesn't meet up to your expectations.

 

And, yes, I happen to think something is a little off about a 22 yr. old wanting to be w/ an 18 yr. old.

 

Again, I was 24 when I started dating my then 20 yr. old dh and, to be honest, I had some real immaturity issues.

 

Cry and then get tough.

 

Alicia

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If I were you, I'd ask for the girl's phone number and invite her to stay with your family instead of the hotel. I'd make sure my son got to see her at the bad times, groggy, over cherios, as well as when she is all beautiful when he is off of work. He'll get a more realistic picture and you'd have much more control over the situation without exerting any at all.

 

I'd bend over backwards to have her at the house as much as possible.

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I'd say to remind him that he's "pure" and that until he knows her in person, that should be first. See if he's open to having a fun week with you. Plan dinners, talk with her lots, visit wherever.... Remind him that he should see how they would fit in your family. See how she treats him, how she treats his siblings..... Remind him that she's older...and quite possibly carries baggage. Invite her to be part of your life.....

Carrie:-)

 

It's best to be as supportive of him and accepting of her as you can. If you were to try to prevent him from seeing her, it would do more harm than good.

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This is really scary and I agree with the others that something seems off about this. 2 years is a long time to have been kept in the dark. I'm something of an overprotective alarmist but I'd be getting her name, license and whatever else I could and be calling a reputable private investigator. I know it sounds very untrusting but I'd tell my son I was doing it for his own good anyway. I'm just a meanie I guess.

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Trust would suffer here. Two years is a long time to both keep something from someone and to have something kept from me. I would have to self examine, then ask why I wasn't told. I would not be okay about the secrecy.

 

As for the girl...as much as I would be suspicious and have on eagle eyes. Not that she's the enemy, but the cliche fits: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Again, she may not be the enemy, but I would really like to get to know her and agree with others when they say ds should be able to see how she is in real life.

 

I don't know your household choices, but in our home, someone wanting one of us, needs to be with all of us, first. Even at 18, no matter how mature, you mentioned his lack of experience. I could not be comfortable with such an important decision being left to two people who have already started this off in a secretive fashion. Although, yes, he's legal....if he's in your home, I do believe you have the right to insist she spend no time alone. Have her over all day, and drop her off in a hotel at night, or let her stay in the house, but be Careful!

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I come from a bad family. My God, I could fill books upon books with stories most people wouldn't even imagine of the goings on in my family or my life and during my childhood. I would like to think that I rose above this and became a better person. I don't identify at all with my family. Where I am now and what I chose to do with my life is much more important than where I came from. Don't hold her family against her. Maybe she is really wanting to get away from that life and perhaps your son has given her a glimpse of what a REAL family is like and what real love feels like in a family unit.

 

That said, I would definitely make a good effort to get to know her. Have dinner each night at your house, talk with her a lot. Maybe even invite her over to "hang" with you while ds is at work so you can get to know each other better.

 

No, this is not ideal and no, it is not what I would hope my son came up with a week after graduation. However, I am pretty sure my mom didn't want me pregnant at 19 either, nor did my ex-husband's mom want a daughter-in-law that she had never MET that showed up pregnant and married to her 21 year old son. Nope...it wasn't ideal for any of us, but we made it through and I wouldn't trade my now 10 year old son for the world.

 

My only other advice is to not go into this resenting her already. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and realize they are young. Heck, two years to talk to someone that you have never even met in person...wow...that is a long time just to talk. Maybe she will turn out to be a lot better than you think... :)

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Her family life is the least of your concerns....many of us come from less than ideal (to down right messed up) backgrounds and have busted our rears so our children have a normal life.

 

The red flag (beyond age and years of talking) is that he said she just lost her job, yet she is paying for a flight out to meet an online kid/boyfriend?!

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Lots of good advice here.

 

I think I would tell my son some positive things first - like that I know he has a big heart and that I sense he has real feelings for this woman, etc.

 

Then I would ask him some scenario questions, like, "What are you going to do if you don't find yourself attracted to her?"

 

"Do you think she expects you to pay for her hotel or expenses?"

 

"What if she decides to stay here and asks for money? What will you say to her?"

 

"What if she asks for a loan - just until she gets a job?"

 

Let him come up with answers for all of these questions. Then maybe turn it around and ask, "What would her parents say if you were coming to visit and didn't have a job?"

 

This may not help things at all, but at least it will get him thinking about her behavior. She sounds awfully immature.

 

I would also walk him through a scenario of how to gently let her know he's not that interested, if she does come to visit and it turns out he's not that interested.

 

I had a long distance relationship with a guy during college, and actually it survived a lot longer than it would have normally BECAUSE we didn't see each other face to face. As soon as we spent time together it fell apart.

 

Hugs. Try to be supportive. Try to be loving. Give your son the confidence to do the right thing for himself. They could turn out to be soul-mates....or they could just date for awhile and then fizzle out.

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If I were you, I'd ask for the girl's phone number and invite her to stay with your family instead of the hotel. I'd make sure my son got to see her at the bad times, groggy, over cherios, as well as when she is all beautiful when he is off of work. He'll get a more realistic picture and you'd have much more control over the situation without exerting any at all.

 

I'd bend over backwards to have her at the house as much as possible.

 

 

I think this is a great idea. Familiarity tends to breed contempt; if they've only "seen" each other online for two years they probably think they know each other fairly well (and indeed, they may.) But this is his opportunity to learn things about her he may not have otherwise. Does she leave the water running while she brushes her teeth (and is that an issue for him)? Does the smell of her shampoo make him sneeze? Is she perpetually early or late? all those things you learn when you occupy the same geographical area as another person.

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This doesn't sit so easy with me. First, I would really have reasons to be concerned. She was 20, he was 16 when they began conversing. She is flying out getting hotel, yikes.....????? Something tells me this just isn't right. I feel really sorry for you as parents, you must be heartbroken. He is 18 and going to start interacting with women. But I would put a stop to this one.....it just seems sort of dangerous. Sorry prayers to you!

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Since so many of you had me and my family in your prayers I'm compelled to tell you of my families outcome. I wan't to thank everyone because my prayers have been answered and I'm sure that if it wasn't for you all, the outcome would have been different. For five days straight we talked and talked with our son; we never stopped that communication with him. Some of those conversations were heated to where we had to walk away and come back to continue. Yesterday the 22 year-old was suppose to arrive at my home. This time she would be driving thousands of miles to meet my son and it never happened, ofcourse my son was devasted. He promised me that I don't have to worry about this person ever again. But after this incident our lives won't ever be the same but with God's strength we shall move forward. Again, thank you!

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