joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 While I was in Portland with the kids this weekend, we spent one evening visiting at my dad's house for a couple of hours. He lives just south of Portland and supports his mother and sister. While we were there, my grandmother was telling me that this extended family member that I've never even heard of (my great great great aunt, I think) was coming to visit in late June or early July and wanted as many people in the family as possible to come together at a park for a reunion of sorts. My grandmother thought it would be great if I would come and bring the kids because that would mean five generations would be there. I had to laugh at the suggestion. End of June through beginning of July puts me at 36 to 40 weeks pregnant. I'm thinking it wouldn't be a great idea for me to be a 3 hour drive away from home and my midwife with three kids that late in pregnancy. My grandmother saw my point so not attending shouldn't be held against me. However, my DS7 has this thing with family. It seems to bother him that he's never met most of his extended family so I know he'd want to go. The fact that he's never met his other three grandparents, aunts/uncles, most of his cousins, etc. is the decision of my husband and I as we have written most of our family off due to how dysfunctional they are. We keep our contact with them very limited; we don't call them and are politely civil when they call us once a year or so. It makes me sad to see him unhappy about not knowing his extended family so I struggle with wanting to give him the opportunity to at least meet them even if I can't stand them. What do you think? Is it too close to my due date to even consider? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 We keep our contact with them very limited; we don't call them and are politely civil when they call us once a year or so. It makes me sad to see him unhappy about not knowing his extended family so I struggle with wanting to give him the opportunity to at least meet them even if I can't stand them. What do you think? Is it too close to my due date to even consider? Would your dh be able to accompany you? Would he be able to take your children by himself, being prepared to rush home if you go into labor? This is a tough situation because we want our kids to know their relatives, even the less stellar ones. It may satisfy your ds's curiosity if he gets to go, however, with your delivery date practically coinciding with the event, I would likely send dh with children and stay close to home, especially since you mentioned "midwife" and you may not want to go to just any hospital. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I personally would NOT, but both of my boys came early and I had complications, so it would make me VERY nervous. I don't know how comfortable you are with it. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 I don't see my DH wanting to take the kids on his own. He agrees with my assessment of my family, is somewhat of an introvert, and he is newly self-employed so we can't afford for him to miss any billable time. It was hard enough to get him to join us for part of our trip this past weekend even though I scheduled it for Memorial Day to have the least impact on his work. My kids have been 3 days, 3 days, and 15 days late, respectively. My labors have been 78 hours, 22 hours, and 6 hours (pitocin induced) respectively. Not that any of that means this one can't be different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Personally, I think 3 hours away is too far from home when you're that close to having the baby. Do you have any relatives that you trust who could take your ds to the reunion for you? Realistically, if your ds doesn't meet the whole family this time around, I'm sure he'll get other opportunities at some point. I don't think it's worth the potential risk of your going into labor and ending up in an unfamiliar hospital. But that's only because I'm paranoid. Maybe others will see it differently! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 While we were there, my grandmother was telling me that this extended family member that I've never even heard of (my great great great aunt, I think) She's probably not your great great great aunt--that would put her in the generation equal to your grandmother's grandmother. If she is that old, I'd go just to meet someone that far back in my family tree :D. There would be 6 generations, if I count right. OK, I'm just teasing! Practically speaking, I think you'd be too far along in your pregnancy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 She's probably not your great great great aunt--that would put her in the generation equal to your grandmother's grandmother. If she is that old, I'd go just to meet someone that far back in my family tree :D. There would be 6 generations, if I count right. OK, I'm just teasing! Practically speaking, I think you'd be too far along in your pregnancy. Maybe it was that she was my kids' great great great aunt. Like I said, I have no idea who this person is. I don't even know exactly what that title means. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Maybe it was that she was my kids' great great great aunt. Like I said, I have no idea who this person is. I don't even know exactly what that title means. Your great aunt would be one of your grandparents' sisters. I think a great great or great great great aunt would have to be a sister to a great grandparent/great great grandparent, respectively. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 If she doesn't come from farther back in the family tree, but farther out, then she could be some sort of cousin, three times removed, etc... I don't know how that works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 Do you have any relatives that you trust who could take your ds to the reunion for you? Realistically, if your ds doesn't meet the whole family this time around, I'm sure he'll get other opportunities at some point. I don't think it's worth the potential risk of your going into labor and ending up in an unfamiliar hospital. This is the only time this kind of thing has been planned. The closest I've seen was when my grandfather died 13/14 years ago and then it only included some of his kids. The closest family member we have (physical location) is my father who lives in Portland, so he'd have to drive 3 hours here to pick him up and take him back. He's also the only family member that I trust even a little bit. While he's a decent grandpa most of the time, I have reservations with my DS spending time alone there because... My aunt smokes in the house. My family is overall very dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around...to the point that I won't even do holidays with them anymore. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and still has issues that bother me for example... Stating that illnesses and injuries are all in my head. He's had this attitude my entire life, preventing me from getting medical care as a kid. I didn't get care when I was a kid for what I now believe was a broken ankle because I was just being a baby. And my migraines in high school were me trying to get drugs. The attitude continues to this day. Complains about the "idiots" at his work (ie. people in charge) and in the government. Complains about "wetbacks" for a variety of reasons (he very prejudice against anyone of Latin descent). There's plenty more character flaws. When I'm with my kids, I can monitor it and limit the exposure my kids have. I've gotten to the point that I just tell him "enough!" I guess the bottom line is that unless I take him, he won't be going. Guess it won't be happening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I say skip it. If your son is upset about it, explain that you and his father have decided that it's better for your family to limit contact, and that even if you weren't almost ready to deliver you'd have reservations. I know he's only 7, so maybe he doesn't need to know now, but eventually you'll have to explain that sometimes no family is better than the family you've got. :grouphug: to you both! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 You can't put the older two on the train or something and send them down? Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I say skip it. If your son is upset about it, explain that you and his father have decided that it's better for your family to limit contact, and that even if you weren't almost ready to deliver you'd have reservations. I know he's only 7, so maybe he doesn't need to know now, but eventually you'll have to explain that sometimes no family is better than the family you've got. :grouphug: to you both! :iagree::iagree::iagree: If your ds isn't going to have any sort of long-term relationship with any of these people, I can't see any benefit in risking your health (and that of your new baby) just to go see a bunch of relatives that you don't like and with whom you don't want to associate. Your ds is probably picturing some sort of lovely, happy "tv show-type" family that will welcome him with open arms and come over for picnics on the weekends. Clearly, that's not the case here, so even if it's disappointing, your ds might as well know the truth (or a G-rated version of the truth, anyway!) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Do yourself a HUGE favor and stick close to home. As much as your ds7 may not like your decision, YOU and your dh are the parents and therefore, what you say goes. You will be much less stressed, as will baby-to-be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 I'm think that not going is the final answer. Since I've never tried traveling that close to my due date, I didn't know if it was even a possibility. While I've always stuck by my decision regarding my relationship with my family, it's always been hard. Even before I had kids, I came to dislike holidays because they are so lonely without the big happy family gathering that I know some families enjoy. Ever since I've had kids, it's been even harder knowing that they don't have grandma and grandpa (except for my father), aunts and uncles, and cousins. I envy those who do have decent families. With our trip to Portland...with all of fun stuff we did...my son says his favorite part was visiting great grandma. We spent a whole 2 1/2 hours there. I'm glad he has good feelings for my father and grandmother and doesn't know everything I know. I know that someday I'll need to explain to them in more detail why we don't associate with the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 That close to due date...I'd skip it. Just because your other children's birth dates were running late doesn't mean this one will and each successive child can tend to mean a faster labor too. July will most likely be beastly hot too...another reason a pregnant gal should skip it. :) Then add in not so nice or mannered relatives and the chaos that comes with a family reunion and honestly the thought of it all gives me shivers and sweats. Maybe you can arrange for a conference call when everyone is there and that way your son can talk to some of the relatives? Or maybe after the baby is born and can handle some travel, you can make a trip to see this aged aunt. She would probably get so much more out of seeing your family alone and with the new baby...and you'd be feeling a whole lot better too. Don't feel bad about missing this trip. Anyone that close to a due date has more than a good excuse. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 My first 3 babies were early, and each one came earlier than the last. My water broke, but I didn't start contracting, so I had Pitocin with each one. I thought my labors were very predictable. Then, number 4 was late instead of early, and I was in transition before I even realized labor had started. She was born less than an hour later. I really would not have believed such a thing was possible for me if it hadn't happened. If it were me, I'd stay home, but plan a trip later in the year to visit your dad and grandmother, and let them meet the new baby. I'd tell your son that you want to take him, but it just isn't safe for you to travel at that time, so you will take him back as soon as you and the baby are up to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 :iagree::iagree::iagree: If your ds isn't going to have any sort of long-term relationship with any of these people, I can't see any benefit in risking your health (and that of your new baby) just to go see a bunch of relatives that you don't like and with whom you don't want to associate. Your ds is probably picturing some sort of lovely, happy "tv show-type" family that will welcome him with open arms and come over for picnics on the weekends. Clearly, that's not the case here, so even if it's disappointing, your ds might as well know the truth (or a G-rated version of the truth, anyway!) Cat :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 My vote is a no go. Heck, based on what you said...I skip it if I weren't pg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Too late in the pregnancy. I wouldn't go. But, you need to start telling ds7 WHY you don't do things with family. My parents kept me away from family and didn't say why. I assumed that it was because NO ONE did anything with family. (You only know what you're raised with.) I thought that everyone ignored their family. So, when I got married, I assumed that I was NOT supposed to spend time with family. I didn't call my parents (because I thought I was behaving normally) and I was resentful when my in-laws called us. I thought my in-laws were weird for wanting to talk to their son a couple times a month. I mean, my mom and dad didn't have their in-laws calling ever. (See the kid-logic that I was still following as an adult?) Now that I'm grown, I've finally realized that it is NOT normal to ignore family. A couple of years ago my mother finally explained WHY we didn't do anything with the rest of the family (lots of reasons--mostly they were just mean people.) I wasted YEARS and YEARS ignoring my mom and dad and really nice in-laws because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was raised watching my parents ignore their parents, so I thought I should ignore my parents. Let your son know why you're keeping him away from family, or he'll grow up and not know HOW to deal with extended families when he's married and has you and his in-laws to deal with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted May 28, 2009 Author Share Posted May 28, 2009 But, you need to start telling ds7 WHY you don't do things with family. Oh, I totally agree with you. There are things to tell that are inappropriate for their ages or way over their heads. When they are older and more mature, they'll be told the whole story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 I'm sorry for the bunny trail, but I had a story about telling the kids about family members who are too destructive to have contact with. I try to answer my kids' questions about my childhood, and why I'm so protective of them. I also gave my sister permission to answer their questions. So far, the have taken everything pretty calmly with ONE exception. It was October 30th, and I had let each child pick out their own 50lb pumpkin. Everyone wanted me to clean them out by myself, and carve a very intricate picture on theirs while they stood around critiquing my progress. I accidental put Mr. Clever's picture on Miss Beautiful's pumpkin. Boy was she mad. I got fed up and told them that when I was little, the whole family shared one tiny pumpkin with a very simple smiley face on it. Oh, my goodness, you would not believe the tears of compassion, the smothering hugs that they gave me. They knew I hadn't talked to my mom in 10 years, but they never really understood the abuse I had suffered. The only reason I think this is so funny is because they knew about the drug and alcohol abuse, and physical violence we grew up with, but because their lives are so different, they can not relate to the information in any real way, but having to share a pumpkin sounded really traumatic to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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