Happy Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Help. I need the collective wisdom and experience of the hive... Our oldest son (24) just told us he and his girlfriend (20)will be getting married in the fall...and becoming parents by Christmas. As you can imagine, that's a lot to take in...and not particularly in the manner I had hoped my children would do it. This son has been....well, a handful is putting it nicely...trouble with the law, flirting with drugs, practically unemployable at times...a real hard case since he left our home. Difficult. He is better...holding an entry level job for over a year, staying clean and sober...this young lady has been a good influence. But, I'm feeling for her...she may not be able to go to school as planned...and he has little education.....well....I don't know exactly what to say or do here. The young lady is from a family that has some dysfunction, so our family will be the source of stability and 'normal' (And we barely fit that description. ;)) They will be living about three hours from us. We are Christians and, if it matters, our sons came to us through adoption. I get mildly squirrelly about pregnancy anyway, since we could never achieve it. That's my problem, of course, but it means I can't just connect on the expectant mom level...exactly. I'm worried. I want to be welcoming...wise...and....I don't know what else...any advice or thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 try to support them and be happy for them, after all....you will be grand parents by Christmas....right? People need to live their own lives.....make their own mistakes.....blah, blah, blah, LOL. Be happy and as supportive as you possibly can.....and try to warm up to the girlfriend.....she could probably use the wisdom you have to offer! Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4kiddies Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Try to remember that although not necessarily the time frame that you hoped this is still a blessing and a source of joy. Congrats grandma!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Try to remember that although not necessarily the time frame that you hoped this is still a blessing and a source of joy. Congrats grandma!! The arrival of a little person completely dependant on his/her parents has been known to hasten the maturity process of one or both parents. :001_smile: Perhaps your son will realize he is now responsible for another life and it could change him for the better. I understand that you wished to hear this kind of news in different circumstances but now they will need loving support more than ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VanessaS Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 Congratulations! Your DS will have to grow up quick. Maybe it'll be good for him. And you get a grandkid! Yay! My mom always says grandkids are better than your own kids. LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen in CO Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 The best advice I can tell you is what I have told my sister about my great-niece - babies are always welcome. You didn't choose the timing or the circumstances, but your son and your grandbaby will need all the love you have to give - with an open heart. Be there for them. Welcome the young lady to the family. The end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 I met my dh at 22 and was married by 23. He is 2 years my junior. He was a wandering, lost boy even after we were married. We waited almost 6 years to have children and even then, my oldest was a happy surprise. This is all it took for him to grow up. Within 2 years, he had found a wonderful job, proven himself and climbed the ladder from just a laborer to an assistant superintendant. His salary more than tripled in those first 3 years of parenthood and has steadily improved since. I stayed home after Huck's birth and my dh has been such a wonderful supporting father and husband. Our friends and family all doubted him and us as a couple. They said it would never work, that he wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah. I saw the diamond in the rough. I knew him. And we have our happily ever after, even though sometimes it resembles a lot of hard work. I thought you'd like to hear a good story of how well things can turn out. Have faith, enjoy the baby and try your hardest to like your new daughter-in-law. All things will work out just the way they are meant to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted May 26, 2009 Author Share Posted May 26, 2009 I met my dh at 22 and was married by 23. He is 2 years my junior. He was a wandering, lost boy even after we were married. We waited almost 6 years to have children and even then, my oldest was a happy surprise. This is all it took for him to grow up. Within 2 years, he had found a wonderful job, proven himself and climbed the ladder from just a laborer to an assistant superintendant. His salary more than tripled in those first 3 years of parenthood and has steadily improved since. I stayed home after Huck's birth and my dh has been such a wonderful supporting father and husband.Our friends and family all doubted him and us as a couple. They said it would never work, that he wasn't good enough, blah, blah, blah. I saw the diamond in the rough. I knew him. And we have our happily ever after, even though sometimes it resembles a lot of hard work. I thought you'd like to hear a good story of how well things can turn out. Have faith, enjoy the baby and try your hardest to like your new daughter-in-law. All things will work out just the way they are meant to be. This helps a lot! Thanks for sharing. This is my prayer, that my son will grow into the man we raised him to be. Finally. I do like the girl. We haven't been around her much, but she is much like me. Outdoorsy, animal lover. I think we will be friends. I'll certainly be working to make it so. It is a lot to hear you are going to be a mother in law AND a grandmother all in one breath. Since we just graduated our youngest from our homeschool a bit over a week ago...I kinda thought I'd have a year or so of just being me, instead of someone's mom or ....... LOL! Weird the thoughts that flash through a person's mind. To all...thanks for all the wisdom and encouragement! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 There's nothing for you to 'do' here except welcome her and the baby into the family. Resist the urge to give advice; it's rarely welcomed. Give encouragement instead, a steady acknowledgement that they are grown-ups, that they are the parents and that you know they will surely do well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 There's nothing for you to 'do' here except welcome her and the baby into the family. Resist the urge to give advice; it's rarely welcomed. Give encouragement instead, a steady acknowledgement that they are grown-ups, that they are the parents and that you know they will surely do well. :iagree:Well said! Welcome her with open arms and heart, and baby too. Congrats! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted May 26, 2009 Share Posted May 26, 2009 :grouphug: and congratulations. Life doesn't always hand us what we want when we want, but they are blessings just the same. I know a great little morning exercise that can help you sort out your feelings. ;) I'm quite sure you will be one excellent grandmother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Babies are always, always a blessing. Support and love them is all you need to do (and pray for them of course), as many others have already said. Congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Can I just say how much I love this crowd? This is exactly the kind of advice and loving support I would hope to receive if I were the DIL. Now think about what sort of baby gear you might enjoy shopping for, Happy. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Be there. I got pregnant at 19 with my oldest son and was not married to his dad at the time. We rushed into getting married (which, by the way, was a terrible idea and we ended up divorced almost 4 years later). Nothing would have changed my mind back then on what to do and how to do it. His parents and my parents were just "there" for us. I knew I could go to them and that helped a lot. I actually formed great bonds with his dad and his step-mom. We still talk on the phone and visit. We have a great relationship regarding my son as well. It was those early years of them stepping back and just being there for us that really helped us find our way...even if that way wasn't to be together in the end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skaterbabs Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Support them in every way you can. Be the best grandmama you can be. Don't hold their beginning against them. Treat your new DIL the way you want(ed) your MIL to treat you. Be aware of boundaries, and before doing anything that could be taken the wrong way, thing of how it will look to your D&SIL. Above all, LOVE THEM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I think all the best advice has been given so I just wanted to send you a congrats and big :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 There's nothing for you to 'do' here except welcome her and the baby into the family. Resist the urge to give advice; it's rarely welcomed. Give encouragement instead, a steady acknowledgement that they are grown-ups, that they are the parents and that you know they will surely do well. :iagree:I so totally agree. I would highly encourage you to encourage this young lady. Let her and your son know that you are proud of them in taking this step to get married and that you have every confidence that they will make it and be awesome parents. A baby is always a gift from the Lord, not sin. ALWAYS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
girligirlmom Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Congratulations! My dh's nephew just got married last weekend. Similar story. Their baby was born in September. The word from my MIL is that this girl's stepfather was trying to force/convince her to have an abortion to the point where she was convinced to visit home and her mom and stepdad were going to take her to a clinic if they could convince her to not "ruin her life". She did not want to give up the baby at all, not even for adoption and had moved out and into SIL's home shortly after she found out she was pregnant. My SIL just supported them and did not push for them to get married. She happily reported that she realized they were "truly in love" and not just pressured into getting married so she could keep the baby. SIL wanted her DIL to feel like she would be supported without trying to force them into anything. Nephew works but not enough to support them himself and he's not the most motivated worker. Dear-niece-in-law was totally encouraged by my SIL to find childcare and get a job. She actually works with SIL now at a local Catholic college and is quite happy with the job. SIL did not have a college degree and she herself had gotten married when she was a teenager and later divorced. SIL was not pregnant when she got married but her family was moving 1000 miles away so pressure was there. SIL has recently finished her college degree and it seems like she is encourage her daughter-in-law (our niece in law) to also get a degree eventually by working at the college. The sad part is that now SIL is getting divorced for the 2nd time. They probably would have eventually, but it seems that having SIL's son, now DIL and baby live with them was too much. See SIL's dh (soon to be ex) also has 2 adult dc in their 20s and he and SIL did not agree on how adult children should pay or not, etc. That's not all there is but it didn't help. So my advice, love them and support them, but do not compromise your own marriage while doing so... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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