Is this inconsiderate

[Only me]

Is this inconsiderate or am I just over sensitive to this kind of thing. Several times lately my children have been put into a situation where they are with a group of friends who talk about getting together but don't invite my children.

 

For instance the other day my dd was riding home with two other girls from her high school. We car pool and it wasn't my turn to drive. The two other girls were talking all the way home about their plans for the weekend (shopping, movies, etc.) but didn't invite my dd. The following Monday they talked the whole way home about all the fun they had.

 

My dd met a girl who is a foreign exchange student. They seemed to become quick friends (eat lunch together etc.) Second semester another foreign exchange student started eating lunch with them. Since the two girls have so much in common my dd is starting to be left out. They treat my dd nice but now they start to get together outside of school and talk about their plans in front of dd. She feels bad that they never include her.

 

My ds is on a bowling team with 3 other boys. Several times now one of the boys has asked another boy over for a sleepover. I thought it was rude to mention it in front of the other two boys but my ds didn't seem too upset. Today the boy invited the 3rd boy over too without inviting my ds. He even came over to ask his mom who was sitting next to me and I was having a conversation with. Then the other 3 boys exhanged phone numbers and talked about getting together. The other boys seem to like my son and they have a fun time and joke around a lot so I don't know why they don't invite my ds. I could tell that ds was a little hurt. Quite honestly we probably wouldn't have let my ds go on an overnight anyway because we don't know the parents very well and we can tell that their values are different etc. but my ds still feels bad about not being asked. I would also never allow my son to exclude one of the other boys and I was surprised that this other parent would.

 

I have always taught my children to never do this. For instance if they are playing outside with a group of friends and want to invite a specific friend over or to a birthday party they have to call them or talk to them without everyone else being around. I don't think that my kids are necessarily being excluded for a reason but it seems that lately kids aren't being taught that it is rude to discuss plans like this in front of others.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I think it is inconsiderate but I don't think it was intentionally inconsiderate. I teach my kids the same, BTW.

[Only me]

I just don't understand why parent wouldn't teach their kids (young and old) that it just isn't polite and hurts feelings.

[Leah]

Agreeing here...

 

This does happen, and sometimes it can be more prevalent if the other kids have picked up at all that your kids might not do as much as they do socially.

 

It does sound like it might be a very good think to encourage your children to respond to this struggle by intentionally making plans of their own with this other kids.

[RoughCollie]

Maybe no one taught the parents this basic rule of etiquette. There sure is a lot of that going around. I've noticed it, too.

 

I just don't understand why parent wouldn't teach their kids (young and old) that it just isn't polite and hurts feelings.

[Sue G in PA]

Kids (no matter how old) and even some adults :eek: can be completely self-absorbed...not meaning to hurt but just in "their own little world". I ALWAYS teach my kids to be considerate of others (probably to an extreme!). "Look out for the underdog", I say, "Talk to that child who is being left out", etc. You get the picture. I was "left out" a lot during my middle school years by a group of very insensitive, mean girls. It's "colored" me in that I try my best to NEVER leave somebody out or hurt somebody's feelings. AND, I teach my children the same. BUT, you never know what the kids do when they are not with you! I'd just let it go, but remind your dd that it isn't how YOU do things and that they were not being as considerate as they should. AS for the for. exchange students...they are in entirely different situations. Different country, different language...familiarity breeds comfort. They probably needed one another's "familiarity" more than a "new" friend, KWIM? Hugs to your dd...it's never fun being "left out" :(

[elizam]

That was one of my main concerns when hsing my oldest ds. He had problems making and keeping friends, some of this due probably to his then undiagnosed ADHD (it tends to cause social problems). Whenever we'd be around the few homeschooled boys his age that we knew, these boys seemed to derive great pleasure out of leaving him out at park day and other events, and loudly discussing their fun plans for later (sleepovers after skating, for example).

 

My ds might not be the greatest with his "social skills", but it irks me to no end that these other kids also have social skills problems, yet no one saw that p art of it! On emom even defended her ds for this kind of behavior, telling me taht my ds just rubbed hers the wrong way.

 

Ds eventually begged to go to PS, hoping this would solve all his problems. Well...it hasn't...but, as far as being sensitive to other's feelings and being a friend to all sorts of different kids...ds is a top notch kid and I am proud of him.

[hana]

Yes, it's inconsiderate, and I'm sorry your daughter is being hurt by it. :(

[angela in ohio]

This is one of the basic etiquette rules I teach my dc. But most adults I know don't know it.

 

Have your dc asked these children to do things? Maybe if they initiated, then they could invite everyone.

[Tracey in TX]

This behavior is very inconsiderate. It's also the norm. I cringe when I hear this happen, whether or not my kiddos are involved. Sorry your DCs have to contend with this chit chat.

[Melinda in VT]

Yes, it's inconsiderate. It's also really easy to fall into. I coach my kids on this constantly, but who knows what they say when I'm not there!:o

 

I would cut the other mom some slack. If she was talking to you and the kids interrupted to ask about getting together, she might have thought they had already talked to your son and he had a conflict or something. I know I don't always think of all the question I should ask when my kids interrupt me at a social gathering.

[Jackie in AR]

I would cut the other mom some slack. If she was talking to you and the kids interrupted to ask about getting together, she might have thought they had already talked to your son and he had a conflict or something. I know I don't always think of all the question I should ask when my kids interrupt me at a social gathering.

 

You're probably right, Melinda; the other mom was probably embarassed when she later realized that the son had been excluded.

 

I really try to be aware of situations like these but sometimes I just blow it and don't figure things out until much later.

[Jackie in AR]

Yes, it is very inconsiderate. I've talked to my dc about these types of situations several times, but as someone else said, I'm not with them 24/7 so I'm not aware of everything that goes on.

 

I'm sorry your dc's feelings were hurt.

[Jennifer in NH]

Yes, very inconsiderate! We teach our children to involve everyone and not to exclude. This would happen at our homescool park days with my ds and sometimes my dd. I've never been able to figure out quite why. Not an issue right now because in the winter we don't actually get out too much!:rolleyes: Too much snow around here!

[Only me]

Most of you agreed with me that the excluding behavior is inconsiderate but I would appreciate some suggestions about how dd can handle it.

 

2-3 times a week we drive two of dd's classmates home from school the other days one of the girl's sisters drives them home. Every day the two other girls talk about their plans for the weekend, etc. Yesterday they even started including the older sister and would say things like "the three of us have to go do such and such...". They would completely exclude my dd from the conversation.

 

Quite honestly at this point my dd doesn't even want to hang out with these girls. One of them seemed pretty nice in the beginning but the other one is a bit wild. I think the one girl wants to be more like the "wild one" and for some reason looks up to her. My dd just thinks it is rude and is a bit hurt when they always exclude her but she doesn't know what she can do about it.

[lynn]

Inconsiderate yes but sadly the norm. This happened to me a lot in school and sadly when I had the opportunity I did the same thing. I hopefully raised my children to be considerate of others around them when making plans or talking about the weekend or whatever where others may not have been invited.

[elizam]

I don't know....I doubt that there is anything she could do about it. :( Maybe, if she didn't mind swallowing her pride, she could chime in, "yeah! that sounds like fun!" and they'd either invite her or shut up!

[Tammyla]

Most of you agreed with me that the excluding behavior is inconsiderate but I would appreciate some suggestions about how dd can handle it.

 

2-3 times a week we drive two of dd's classmates home from school the other days one of the girl's sisters drives them home. Every day the two other girls talk about their plans for the weekend, etc. Yesterday they even started including the older sister and would say things like "the three of us have to go do such and such...". They would completely exclude my dd from the conversation.

 

Quite honestly at this point my dd doesn't even want to hang out with these girls. One of them seemed pretty nice in the beginning but the other one is a bit wild. I think the one girl wants to be more like the "wild one" and for some reason looks up to her. My dd just thinks it is rude and is a bit hurt when they always exclude her but she doesn't know what she can do about it.

 

You both might want to sit down and reconsider the car pooling, because this is an on going thing. You mentioned your dd doesn't want to hang out with the girls. That sentence sticks out to me. It sounds like they are growing apart. Lots of kids begin to enjoy new activities, things, and friends as they mature. I'd encourage your dd to explore other interests, and new friends.

 

Do you make, suggest or plan social outings with your kids. You could start asking those kids (and others) to join all of you for a day at the mall, movie or dinner etc. Also encourage your kids to make new friends. Joining clubs, classes or activities is a great place to meet new people.

 

Imho They are being inconsiderate and rude, but their behavior is common:(.

[elizam]

You both might want to sit down and reconsider the car pooling, because this is an on going thing. You mentioned your dd doesn't want to hang out with the girls. That sentence sticks out to me. It sounds like they are growing apart. Lots of kids begin to enjoy new activities, things, and friends as they mature. I'd encourage your dd to explore other interests, and new friends.

 

Do you make, suggest or plan social outings with your kids. You could start asking those kids (and others) to join all of you for a day at the mall, movie or dinner etc. Also encourage your kids to make new friends. Joining clubs, classes or activities is a great place to meet new people.

 

Imho They are being inconsiderate and rude, but their behavior is common:(.

 

 

Tammy is wise! Thanks, Tammy!

 

And yes, sadly, this is common girl behavior and even some guys do it. I ran into a friend with PS kids and she was telling me it's all about drama and meanness in her dd's middle school. I kept my mouth shut...because my dd doesn't deal with that in her homeschool circles, nor with her PS friends. I feel sorry for the kids who have to deal with all that, and even more sorry for the ones who don't realize it's wrong and DO act like that! :(

[Only me]

Actually these aren't her friends. Maybe it shouldn't be so upsetting to her because of that but it still is.

 

Last fall I got a call from a mom in our subdivision needing a ride for her dd. I agreed because I was trying to be nice. The first semester I drove this girl home from school 2-3 times a week. She offered to drive my dd in the morning but my dd enjoys the ride with her dad every day. It give them some one on one time. At that time they didn't offer to drive dd home from school.

 

After Christmas I received a phone message from a dad needing a ride for his daughter. The other mom also received a call from him. She said that her older daughter could drive the girls home from school a few days a week and that he should call me to see if I could drive the other days. Even though we didn't know this girl I felt like I was put into a situation where I couldn't say no. So since January I've been driving the girls home 2-3 days a week.

 

My dd really didn't know the first girl very well. My dd is a sophomore and she is a freshman and they only have one class together. The got to know each other a little better because of riding to together every day. They got along but I wouldn't call them friends. After the 2nd girl came into the picture (she is also a freshman) the two girls started to complete ignore my dd.

 

I know it seems strange that my dd should care because these aren't even her friends and she has no desire to be friends with one of them but it is still hurtful being excluded.

 

My dd has tried to make other friends at this school but it has been tough. It is a very small school and many kids already have their "groups" since grade school. My dd did make a new friend but she happens to be a foreign exchange student. They get along well and even went to a movie one night. In January a new foreign exchange student started going to the school and eating lunch with my dd and this other girl. The two foreign exchange students have so much in common and became close friends very quickly. They are still nice to my dd but often exclude her. I don't think they are trying to be mean but it is just the way it is.

 

Quite honestly my dd has no time to join clubs, etc. She just had to quit dance last night because it was becoming too much. She has been under an extreme amount of stress due to her schoolwork and some medical issues we have been dealing with.

 

My dd just wishes that the two girls in the car wouldn't constantly talk about their plans and exclude her every day. At the same time it seems almost worthless to mention that she'd like to go because she has no desire to become friends with one of the girls.

[scooterandrat]

I know this has been a problem with children today. I agree they are self-absorbed. Mine can be, too. I try to teach my children to think about treating people the way they want to be treated. I wonder what would happen if we encouraged our children to be the one to invite some of those children doing the unintentional leaving out to do something, if that would go anywhere towards demonstrating proper behavior, or would this then make them worse? What do you think?

[scooterandrat]

When I first replied, I hadn't read your last entry. I don't know about you, but I tend to try to find a way out of these situations. If there seems to be no good way to resolve the problem, then change the situation. I.e., the girls riding home. Either become unavailable to take the other girls home by changing your schedule, or something. I'm grasping at straws when not knowing your situation. Some things we can't change, but the things we can have an affect on, then do. I don't know if it helps...you may not be able to change your schedule due to work or other children at home. Maybe encouraging her friendship with the exchange students....her invite them both to do something. Now, I have reached the bottom of my barrel. I wish you luck!