Tell me my children will not be forever harmed by me being constantly sick.

[cin]

Since my oldest daughter came home, almost 7 yrs ago, I've had 4 surgeries. One for a bone deformity in my foot, one to repair a broken wrist (because of hobbling around after the foot surgery) weight loss surgery, and hardware removal for a loose screw (seriously!) in my wrist.

 

And now....after being sick for 2 mos, we've concluded that the arthritis medicine that I take for my spine, has started messing with my stomach. So now, my children are living with a cripple. But they'll be ok, right?!?

 

The medicine that should protect my stomach made me sicker. So now I'm off of it completely. I have a TENS machine, and am doign the heating pad every morning. And at lunch. But my kids will grow up and be well adjusted, right?

 

:nopity:

 

 

[MamaT]

My father had surgeries every time I turned around when I was growing up. He had severe RA and had both hips replaced (one of them 3 times), both knees, his ankles and wrists fused, neck fused, teflon hinges in his fingers - you get the picture. My mother was not very "present" for me when I was growing up and was very self-absorbed. My father was the nurturing parent.

 

What I saw in my father has shaped my life. His courage and wonderful attitude in the midst of pain was awe inspiring. When my oldest son had to write a paper in 3rd grade on his "hero," he wrote about his Pepa. He never complained, encouraged others who were sick, and told us God would either heal him here or he would get a new body in heaven. Either way was fine with him.

 

In spite of his illness, I couldn't have asked for a better parent. So, my response to you is that your kids will be fine. There are things they will learn through your hardship that will serve them well later in life.

 

I hope you find an answer for your arthritis pain.:grouphug:

[Ravin]

Of course they'll be fine!

 

My mom had back troubles for years when I was a kid, and had a hysterectomy and 2 back surgeries, and a period when she couldn't work because of the pain. It wasn't until she told the doctors where to stick their PT and tens machine and just actually stopped pushing it for a while that her back finally recovered.

 

Anyway, she never stopped being mom, yk? She just got good at directing and delegating when needed. We went on one family vacation where, years later, she told me she was determined we kids were going to have fun, even if she had to use a wheelchair to get around in Disneyland! (She didn't, but we did stop and rest a lot).

 

Kids are resilient. Seeing parents deal positively with adversity isn't going to be harmful. The hard part, I think, is keeping your patience and a pleasant disposition towards your children when you're hurting. My mom wasn't always perfect at not taking out her own misery on us, but overall she did a good job; at the end of the tunnel we all still knew she loves us and had put us first.

 

Now, she is still going strong as a cancer survivor, dealing with some issues w/ arthritis, too, and her DH has problems with his knees and neck that put him on disability. Yet they are currently fostering 2 teenagers, a 2 yo. (who they are probably going to adopt), and a baby, and are still going strong. They've learned to work around their limitations, instead of letting them stop them. All her natural children and many of her former foster children hold her in great esteem (me included). She is hands down my DD's favorite grandparent.

 

Hang in there! You can absolutely be a good mom, no matter what life throws at you!

[Garga]

They'll be fine. I have a friend in his 30's. His mom was sick constantly when he was growing up (seizures, etc.) He is a very caring and compassionate person now, because he had so much practice taking care of his sick mom. He loves her dearly.

[Kelli in TN]

I have a friend who has Parkinson's Disease. She was diagnosed shortly after the birth of her seventh child. She chose to hold off on medications until the baby was weaned. She suffered the physical effects of her illness as well as the emotional upheaval that a diagnosis like this brings.

 

Her children are strong, healthy, well adjusted, family oriented young adults and kids.

 

Your children will be fine and what you feel they are missing out on by your difficulties will more than be made up for in what they will gain by learning early how to handle adversity in life.

[ConnieB]

Well, I'm gonna venture to guess that if you're on this board then it's because you take their education seriously. And it's obvious from your worries that you love them....so I'll guess that whatever it takes you are taking care of their basic needs (including hobbling on a foot that should probably be propped up somewhere and hurting your wrist along the way).

 

So....what exactly will be harming them? The fact that they are learning first hand how to be patient and compassionate with someone who is not having the best of days (weeks, months)? The fact that because you aren't always able to cater to them hand and foot (no pun intended, lol) that maybe they became a little more self-sufficient and independent sooner than other kids.....and that they are also learning the wonderful character trait of serving others....something that I think a LOT of us work hard to instill in our kids, but struggle with them taking too. My kids are great at service when there is a purpose....like I'm in bed with a migraine or Daddy was up all night with a work problem and is dragging today.....but get them to offer the same offers of help and doing things that need to be done without being told when we're perfectly able to do it for them.....eh, not as often as I'd hope!

 

Remember the important things.....your kids needs love....your kids need the basics of food/shelter...and they need a good education. Anything beyond that is gravy.

 

They do NOT need the latest gadgets that money will buy....they do not truly need their parents to cart them around to every extra curriculuar activity on the planet. Sure these things are nice....but they're are necessary to their well being.

 

I had a friend who's mom had cancer during our high school years....she was very sick, then she got better, then she'd be very sick again.....the dern stuff just kept coming back and she kept fighting it off. Becky's dad had left them years ago and never kept in touch, so it was just Becky and her mom. When her mom was in hospital for long durations, Becky came to stay at our house, more out of being lonley not out of needing care....but when her mom was just sick from the chemo and unable to do things like cook, shop, clean, etc.....Becky did it. When her mom was well, she insisted that Becky "Take a vacation" from the work and we had grand times going off and being teenagers with her blessing. With her mom so sick so often, you know they never had a lot of money, but they made do (and often found care packages on their door...wonder if they ever knew it was my mom, lol). Anyway......Her mom died while Becky was in her second year of medical school (yep, she wanted to do medicine to find a cure for mom). Becky took a year off to mourn and decide if she still wanted to do medicine if she couldn't save her own mom....and decided to go back and finish to cure someone else's mom. She works in cancer research for a very prestigious facility......and she is raising two kids of her own and she and her DH raise horses, she runs marathons, and I can't even begin to mention all that they do, it would exhaust me, lol.

 

In many ways I honestly believe that Becky got her "get up and go" spirit because of the hard times she had.....she was my friend from elementary school and she and I were never quite as active and "do-ers" before her mom got sick and she had no real choice but to do. I went along for the ride because she was my friend, but honestly, I was much less motivated after college. I wanted an interesting career but one that wouldn't require my entire life, a DH and some kids. I wanted to travel more than I wanted to work, lol. Becky wanted it all, and got it.

 

So.....yeah, life may be a little harder for your kids right now....but based on my experience, it will benefit them for the rest of their life.

 

So....concentrate on love, basic needs and a good education and they'll be fine. And also concentrate on getting yourself healthy...for YOU, not them. You deserve it.

[Impish]

Thank you for posting this. :grouphug:

You've actually hit on one of my biggest fears. A year ago May 20th, I was injured at work, and now I have RSD in my right (dominant) arm...shoulder to fingertips. I worry that my youngest two won't ever remember me the way I was, whole and healthy, and what impact that will have on them. I know Diva has had a period of mourning, and sometimes she will still say how she misses me being able to play with her like I used to.

 

Thanks for posting this...I've been reading the responses, and feeling a bit better. :)

[Brindee]

I grew up with parents who were constantly having a surgery or being hospitalized. My dad broke his back when I was 5, and has had 5 surgeries on it. My mom had a degenerative disease and had a partial hip twice, at least two total hips, a couple of other surgeries to lengthen the rod in her leg as the bone kept deteriorating, my dad hurt his knee in the army and had surgery on it, then had the kneecap removed. My mom had 1/2 her stomach removed when I was 7, and has had many surgeries since. It seems like one would go into the hospital then the other one, back and forth the whole time I was growing up! :)

 

We have a very good relationship---I understand those kinds of things better, and am most likely more compassionate because of it!

 

I used to have HORRIBLE monthly problems. I would be sick for 2 weeks out of every month, for YEARS! I finally found out about, and had, an endometrial ablation 2 years ago, and it's been AMAZING how different life is! But they had all those years to put up with me being sick. They're all 3 great kids, and never complained!

 

So, I agree with everyone else's answer: YES, your kids will be fine, and may even be better adults because of it!

 

 

ETA: This stuff is still going on even after I am married and have kids of my own the ages they are! My dad had a heart attack and ended up being flown (life evac'd) to a Veteran's hospital for immediate triple by-pass surgery. My mom now has a colostomy, and has been close to death 3 times in the last 2 years, my dad has diabetes, they both have bad arthritis flare-ups...................But this is cool--they got a treadmill, and my dad walks 3-5 miles a day, and now my mom is walking, even for a few minutes almost every day! My mom, even with her big limp and colostomy, did a whole mile once not long ago! I'm soooo proud of them! Just do your best with what you can, have a positive outlook as much as you can........... DOn't EVER apologize for being sick, it's just the way things are. Let them know daily (or more often) how much you love them. That's very important to them, and more important thaan if you were not sick, but too busy to really be there for them!

 

Oh, another ETA: We lived in CA, a 30 minute drive from disneyland, and we went many time--with one of our parents in a wheelchair! It wasn't so bad--we got to go ahead in many of the lines! :D

Edited May 24, 2009 by Brindee

[Pamela H in Texas]

I don't think having a chronically ill mother or disabled mother is ideal, but I can tell you that I have seen many benefits from it happening. My children are very capable, responsible, helpful. They are understanding, encouraging, patient, compassionate, independent, etc. They know they can do anything they put their minds to. It really is awesome.

 

So maybe it stinks when your 2yo MUST make her own cup of water and peanut butter sandwich. Maybe it would be nice if I could WALK around the zoo. Maybe it would be nice if I could jog with them daily. I wish they never heard me scream or cry or wimper in pain.

 

But the benefits far outweigh all the trouble (and my kids are teens so I can really see those benefits better now than I could when they were little).

 

Ideally, it wouldn't be this way but I most certainly think people can make the most of it :)

Edited May 24, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Oh Cin :grouphug: of course they will be fine, and they will be stronger for it too! My dh has MS and has for 25 years. The past 3 to 4 years it has progressed at an alarming rate and he now works from home (I'm so thankful for telecommuting or he would not be working!). My children, like yours, deal with a sick parent everyday....but children are flexible, and adaptable. Your children probably handle it much better than you, so hang in there. My husband often has feelings of guilt like you do, and I reminded him the other day, that he is their daddy, sick or not, he is the only daddy they have and they love him dearly. My kids seldom even mention their Dad's health, because for them, it is just our normal life of what they know. I know that feeling bad on top of having Momma guilt is not easy, but hopefully when you see their smiling faces you can be reassured that they love you just like you are!!!!

Edited May 24, 2009 by Mom2GirlsTX

[cin]

Thank You all Sooooo Much! I feel so much better after reading all of these responses. Not only have they helped put things into perspective, they have helped me to realize that my girls may very well be better and stronger adults becuase of all of this. They do have more responsiblity than other kids their age, but probably not more than kids their age 50 years ago. And they all survived, didn't they :001_smile:

[Rosie_0801]

What you won't do and what you can't do are two very different things and will be perceived that way by your kids.

 

Rosie (who's Mum has mental illness and back problems.)

[Marylou]

What you won't do and what you can't do are two very different things and will be perceived that way by your kids.

 

Rosie (who's Mum has mental illness and back problems.)

Rosie, this is so true! Thanks for the reminder!

 

Cin, I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. I was sick all day yesterday (stomach something) and I remember feeling sorry for myself and thinking, "I don't know how anyone can handle chronic pain/sickness everyday. It really is a hard life".

 

PLEASE read the testimonials on www.noarthritis.com/ I have the sort of athritis that is helped by abstaining from certain kinds of vegetables. I know it sounds crazy, but it helps me. Maybe it can help you, too.

 

I hope you can find some relief.

 

Don't worry about your children. Ever since the beginning of time MANY children have been raised by parents with chronic health problems. Yours will turn out fine.

[tex-mex]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going thru... :grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Well, I'm gonna venture to guess that if you're on this board then it's because you take their education seriously. And it's obvious from your worries that you love them....so I'll guess that whatever it takes you are taking care of their basic needs (including hobbling on a foot that should probably be propped up somewhere and hurting your wrist along the way).

 

So....what exactly will be harming them? The fact that they are learning first hand how to be patient and compassionate with someone who is not having the best of days (weeks, months)? The fact that because you aren't always able to cater to them hand and foot (no pun intended, lol) that maybe they became a little more self-sufficient and independent sooner than other kids.....and that they are also learning the wonderful character trait of serving others....something that I think a LOT of us work hard to instill in our kids, but struggle with them taking too. My kids are great at service when there is a purpose....like I'm in bed with a migraine or Daddy was up all night with a work problem and is dragging today.....but get them to offer the same offers of help and doing things that need to be done without being told when we're perfectly able to do it for them.....eh, not as often as I'd hope!

 

Remember the important things.....your kids needs love....your kids need the basics of food/shelter...and they need a good education. Anything beyond that is gravy.

 

They do NOT need the latest gadgets that money will buy....they do not truly need their parents to cart them around to every extra curriculuar activity on the planet. Sure these things are nice....but they're are necessary to their well being.

 

I had a friend who's mom had cancer during our high school years....she was very sick, then she got better, then she'd be very sick again.....the dern stuff just kept coming back and she kept fighting it off. Becky's dad had left them years ago and never kept in touch, so it was just Becky and her mom. When her mom was in hospital for long durations, Becky came to stay at our house, more out of being lonley not out of needing care....but when her mom was just sick from the chemo and unable to do things like cook, shop, clean, etc.....Becky did it. When her mom was well, she insisted that Becky "Take a vacation" from the work and we had grand times going off and being teenagers with her blessing. With her mom so sick so often, you know they never had a lot of money, but they made do (and often found care packages on their door...wonder if they ever knew it was my mom, lol). Anyway......Her mom died while Becky was in her second year of medical school (yep, she wanted to do medicine to find a cure for mom). Becky took a year off to mourn and decide if she still wanted to do medicine if she couldn't save her own mom....and decided to go back and finish to cure someone else's mom. She works in cancer research for a very prestigious facility......and she is raising two kids of her own and she and her DH raise horses, she runs marathons, and I can't even begin to mention all that they do, it would exhaust me, lol.

 

In many ways I honestly believe that Becky got her "get up and go" spirit because of the hard times she had.....she was my friend from elementary school and she and I were never quite as active and "do-ers" before her mom got sick and she had no real choice but to do. I went along for the ride because she was my friend, but honestly, I was much less motivated after college. I wanted an interesting career but one that wouldn't require my entire life, a DH and some kids. I wanted to travel more than I wanted to work, lol. Becky wanted it all, and got it.

 

So.....yeah, life may be a little harder for your kids right now....but based on my experience, it will benefit them for the rest of their life.

 

So....concentrate on love, basic needs and a good education and they'll be fine. And also concentrate on getting yourself healthy...for YOU, not them. You deserve it.

 

That was beautiful... it got me all misty eyed. Thank you for the encouragement!