BAAAAAAAAD mother-in-law thread

[peachskittles]

I have been introduced by his mother to her friends as her son's "baby's mama"...Oh yea...I was there when she did it...:glare:

 

She's hoping that I have a granddaughter for her...There are lots of boys in the family apparently...Her other son got snipped after his first child, a boy...So she keeps asking us when we will have another one (our first together was a boy and she was so disappointed) so she can have a granddaughter...She's even picked out her name and hopes we will use it...Yea, ummm, nope...

 

I dislike the woman as does her own children (she's grouchy and lives in this me, me, me world of hers)...I do try to be friendly though...Although now that I live 10hrs away, I don't have to worry about that as much anymore...

[CAMom]

I had a civil relationship with my MIL(she died a few years back). If she didn't like me, she never told or showed me. If she talked about me to her other kids, they never let on. I guess the only thing I would want to ask is, how many of you who complain about your MIL knew she never liked you before you were married to her son? I have told my dds if your future in-laws don't like you before you marriage, expect more of the same afterwards. I would hope my dds would consider this a deal breaker.

 

My mil get along well now but we have had some pretty rough years.

 

She did not like me at all before we were married. But, if I would have let that be a "deal breaker," I would have missed out on the last 20 years with my beloved husband. I would not have the amazing children that I do. My life would be completely different.

 

I'm glad I didn't break the deal.:)

[Impish]

My mil get along well now but we have had some pretty rough years.

 

She did not like me at all before we were married. But, if I would have let that be a "deal breaker," I would have missed out on the last 20 years with my beloved husband. I would not have the amazing children that I do. My life would be completely different.

 

I'm glad I didn't break the deal.:)

I didn't meet my MIL until 6 days before the wedding :glare: I still swear to this day that my dh ensured it happened that way! He grins and giggles maniacally whenever I accuse him :lol:

 

I'm no dumb bunny either... not only didn't he meet MY mother before our wedding, but we'd had Tazzie by the time she finally visited our province :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

The way she constantly referred to me as "Bayou Trash".

 

Ah, now that's my sister in law. I don't think I am "white trash, gold digging scum" but I am biased of course. A case of the pot calling the kettle black on the gold digging side of things. Still, I'd rather be living in this dodgy rental property with my hubby on student welfare payments than living with her hubby in the lap of luxury on the Gold Coast. He makes her look like good company!

 

*shudder*

Rosie

[Pajama Mama]

is she little? Can you lift HER into the attic????

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: I wish. She's short but not particularly slender. Besides, if I sent her up there she would probably yell about how dusty it is.

[Lori C- Texas]

My MIL isn't to bad. But of course, we hardly ever see or talk to her. Most of her comments are directed toward dh. In her eyes, he is not successful. She judges success by how much money you make and how you dress. There has never been one day that there has not been food on our table or one time we have ever gone with out anything we truly wanted. But we don't live in a big house or make a ton of money, so dh is not successful. The only thing that she has ever said directly to me is that I need to spend more time on myself. :glare: She thinks I should spend money on getting my nails and hair done and buying fancy namebrand clothes. She also thinks I should be wearing these nice fancy namebrand clothes while I crawl around on the floor playing and teaching my kiddos!:) MIL's oldest daughter is married to a millionaire and she wants that for dh. She is always ragging on him about how he dresses. He wears jeans and a polo shirt to work. He is a computer guy. This is what his work tells him to wear! But MIL doesn't understand why he doesn't wear a suit and tie around everywhere!:)

[lgm]

These stories have me ROFL. Dh wasn't the first to marry, so knew his parents were off the deep end with having their children stolen away from them (none were allowed to have a social life when they lived at home; all were called at bedtime once they moved out until they married). Consequently, we haven't let it impact our lives too much.

 

The highlights:

 

The illogical persuasive argument 2 months before the wedding that I convert to their religion, which they had recently resumed practicing after at least a 30 year absence.

 

The look on the wedding photographers' faces when FIL and MIL informed them that they wanted a shot of the extended family for their album. Shot was not to include spouses or bride. Needless to say, there are no pictures of any spouses in their home...all family pics are just them and their bio children.

 

The latenight hang up phone calls checking up on us....

 

MIL telling us when we returned from riding our bikes with the kids in the baby seats that we 'looked just like a real family'....

 

MIL sharing her retirement dream: all her children would move back into their old rooms....

 

Some people just never mature. Good cartoon material :tongue_smilie:

[PineFarmMom]

I have to say I don't have much negative to say about mil. She made many parenting mistakes of her own, so she thinks I'm the cat's meow of motherhood. She thinks I need more time to myself and that everyone in my family should serve me. lol She compliments me to myself and to others continuously. If I'd say anything, it's that I wish she treated my dh as well as she treats me, and she's less involved in our lives than I'd like her to be. She supports my homeschooling 1000%. I have problems in my family quite often, it just doesn't happen to be with her. ;)

[Stacie]

:glare: thats almost so far out there that I want to laugh until I realize you're serious.

 

 

 

I't okay to laugh; we laugh about it! I was quite furious about it at first, but putting it in perspective with her personality and how she treats her other kids gives me the permission I need to laugh at her "issues."

 

The first "date" was when she asked to spend some one-on-one time with him at dinner, four days before our wedding. He met her at the restaurant and she had brought a friend. When the friend stepped away to the ladies' room, mil told dh that she wanted him to see what other fish he'd be missing if he went through with the wedding. He shared some choice words and left before his food arrived. I didn't find out about it until our honeymoon because he was afraid I'd not marry him because of his mom. :D

 

Second "date" was several years later and mil asked to have lunch together. There was no mention of another person joining them. The nice young single lady was so appalled when she found out he was married. It seems mil described him to her as a wonderful father who takes great care of his children when he sees them but is lonely being new in town without knowing anyone. No mention of a wife was made and she implied he was a single dad. Dh said the lady excused herself and never returned to the table. :tongue_smilie:

 

The last straw was a few years ago when she asked dh if he was available to help her co-worker and husband move. When dh arrived the situation was that the lady was leaving the husband and moving out while he was out of town. Mil told dh that she thought he could help and that it would be good for him to get to know moving lady. Mil said she knew they'd have a lot to talk about, both being in bad marriages and all!!! Dh practically yanked his mom out of the house, called me on the phone to witness the conversation, and let her have it. We'd been married around 15 years then and our disagreements could be counted on one hand. We have a wonderful marriage and get along beautifully. :confused:

 

Mil is nuts, but we understand that and have little to do with her. He doesn't see her unless I'm around. She tried once to invite him to lunch and he told her he'd check his calendar. When he called her back to confirm he told her the kids and I would be coming too since she hasn't seen us in a long time. She had something come up and couldn't make it! :001_huh:

 

So laugh about it because we have fun at her expense too!! At least I have a step-mil who I love dearly and get along with beautifully. :)

[Alphabetika]

My MIL, whom I love and enjoy (seriously, I do), once told me that the way I wear my hair "drags my face down" and makes me look old, so she had made me an appointment for a haircut with our next door neighbor, a former hairstylist who occasionally works out of her garage.

 

I did not keep the appointment.

[Marylou]

This is not the way to deal with relationship problems.

 

ETA: It's not that I'm uncomfortable, it's just wrong to talk about someone else's faults without speaking to them about it first, or having them present. I think it's commonly called "gossip".

Edited May 19, 2009 by dmmosher

[Denisemomof4]

I shouldn't tell yall this because it really isn't funny but I swear I have been cackling like crazy reading all these stories because I can soooo relate.

 

:lol:

 

honestly, that was my intention! I choose to laugh my way through life instead of cry. :001_smile: My husband is shocked that I have maintained my sense of humor through all I've been put through since my father's death. I tell him that sometimes I cry, and then I get over it and choose to laugh instead.

 

I, too, have been laughing through the thread...... and sometimes I laugh hard and then feel guilty because it's NOT funny!

 

Someone commented about hoping their future daughter/son inlaws will like them. As you can see in this thread, it's not about LIKE OR DISLIKE. It's about good and bad treatment. Being accepted or trying to tear the couple apart. Who wants to be around anyone who's continually trying to bash them :smash: and bring them down? Honestly! It's not that I dislike my MIL, it's that she's driven me away completely. I tried and tried and tried for 17 years but the girlfriend comment was the LAST STRAW.

 

Again, it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO peaceful.

:hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

I've even tried to visit her in the nursing home but she really doesn't care to see me or the kids. What's sad is that she even causes fights there. She refused to let them close her window DURING A BLIZZARD and she got so mad at them that they had to medicate her. It really was ridiculous. Her poor roomate, whose bed is next to the window, is incapable of talking, covering herself up, etc. She must have been FROZEN and MAD. MIL wants to fight with everyone. Who would want to be around that?

[pooh bear]

ETA: It's not that I'm uncomfortable, it's just wrong to talk about someone else's faults without speaking to them about it first, or having them present. I think it's commonly called "gossip".

 

It is not gossip. It's just telling funny stories.

 

I have asked my MIL why she does not talk to me or like me. Straight to my face she said "You are English and foreign and my son should have married a good American woman"

 

It is such a ridiculous comment, that you can't help but laugh. I passed the story on not to gossip, but to share my story with people who will understand.

[unsinkable]

I really feel for everyone who had shared a hurtful m-i-l story and can maybe get some comfort in knowing she is not alone.

 

It's too bad that people have to give this thread bad ratings and criticize the posters.

 

It is hard being the recipient of irrational hatred.

 

Consider yourself lucky if it has never happened to you. And if it has and you never shared the story with anyone, that's wonderful.

[Denisemomof4]

I really feel for everyone who had shared a hurtful m-i-l story and can maybe get some comfort in knowing she is not alone.

 

It's too bad that people have to give this thread bad ratings and criticize the posters.

 

It is hard being the recipient of irrational hatred.

 

Consider yourself lucky if it has never happened to you. And if it has and you never shared the story with anyone, that's wonderful.

 

:iagree:

 

it sounds like some are blessed with sweet mils. Unfortunately, not all of us are.

 

For me, I have always been told how awful my mil is to me. But after reading here, I honestly think I'm one of the lucky ones!

[Brindee]

honestly, that was my intention! I choose to laugh my way through life instead of cry. :001_smile: My husband is shocked that I have maintained my sense of humor through all I've been put through since my father's death. I tell him that sometimes I cry, and then I get over it and choose to laugh instead.

I had some bad things happen as I was growing up, plus we were poor, yada, yada, yada.... (don't want to bore anyone! ;) ) My sister has chosen to be angry about everything that happened. I chose, as you have, to laugh instead of cry! People that know both of us say how different we are. I am usually an upbeat person, though I have my moments. So I am glad you have chosen to be positive about what life has dealt you! I am sure that we are/will be healthier because we choose not to carry the baggage! Choosing to laugh instead of cry is healthier for your body, so there's another thing to be happy about! :001_smile:

 

I agree, too, that you must set boundaries! Sometimes no matter what you do, the other person chooses to be negative. In that case, I try to distance myself and my family from the negative influences, and look for happier places/people!

[Marylou]

Is this really a good idea?

<gently>

I imagine having difficult inlaws affects so many parts of your life, but I wonder if making a public list of wrong-doings is the best way to deal with it.

 

I heartily agree with this. And just because gossip is put in the form of a "funny story", it is still gossip. And just because we don't know the first, middle and last name of the person of whom you write, it is still gossip.

 

Finding others who will share their stories of woe doesn't ease the pain of hurtful relationships; it usually does the complete oppoiste, namely making you even more enraged about your hurtful situation.

 

Just hoping you'll see a different angle.

[Denisemomof4]

I heartily agree with this. And just because gossip is put in the form of a "funny story", it is still gossip. And just because we don't know the first, middle and last name of the person of whom you write, it is still gossip.

 

Finding others who will share their stories of woe doesn't ease the pain of hurtful relationships; it usually does the complete oppoiste, namely making you even more enraged about your hurtful situation.

 

Just hoping you'll see a different angle.

 

well, Donna, I'm sorry but you are wrong.

 

Because of this thread, I see honestly think my MIL is mild compared to others.

 

And if the gossip, or the thread in general bothers you, simply don't open it up. The rest of us are enjoying it. If you aren't, why read through it all? To LISTEN to gossip is as much sin as in speaking it. So you're reading it is just as sinful as you speaking it. ;)

[Impish]

well, Donna, I'm sorry but you are wrong.

 

Because of this thread, I see honestly think my MIL is mild compared to others.

 

And if the gossip, or the thread in general bothers you, simply don't open it up. The rest of us are enjoying it. If you aren't, why read through it all? To LISTEN to gossip is as much sin as in speaking it. So you're reading it is just as sinful as you speaking it. ;)

:iagree:

I don't see this as gossiping any more than if we were in a thread about things our dc have done that have had us seriously wondering if we should have stuck to raising fish or tomatoes. To share stories of our experiences, often in a light hearted laughing way helps both us and others who struggle with some of the same issues...which, I thought, was rather the point of the General Forum.

 

For the record, in case anyone's interested, I don't *hate* my MIL. Some of the stuff she does drives my dh and I right round the bend though. And yes, my dh too. Its not a DIL perception issue in our situation, because my dh gets as twitchy, if not more so than I do with some of the stunts his mom pulls.

[WTMCassandra]

Finding others who will share their stories of woe doesn't ease the pain of hurtful relationships; it usually does the complete oppoiste, namely making you even more enraged about your hurtful situation.

 

 

In my case, it makes me feel less alone and "crazy," knowing that others can understand what I'm going through. It feels like empathy to me, not gossip, especially if one keeps the info to a minimum.

 

ETA: And I am reading the good MIL thread with just as much interest. My experiences cause me to be highly motivated to be a very different kind of MIL, and I hope to create the kind of extended family I wish I had.

Edited May 19, 2009 by WTMCassandra

[Highereducation]

This is not gossip. Gossip is the spread of unfounded rumors or speculation about other people that is intended to be hurtful.

 

This is just a bunch of us sharing our life experiences - with humor. I don't hate my MIL, I feel sorry for her. My experiences with her have taught me to live life without regret - and, God willing that I get to be an MIL someday, what kind of treatment I want to give to the person dd marries - and his family, as well.

[Crissy]

I just want to clarify that I posted, not to judge whether anyone is gossiping, or about any one's need to vent, but based on an experience I was reminded of that was hurtful to me.

A few years ago someone very close to me apparently thought it would be appropriate to make a written list of all the things this person does not like about me. It wasn't necessarily a long list, but the fact that all the unappealing things about me were put in writing was (is) hurtful.

 

The request for a list of offenses by mothers-in-law in such a public place just brought that back to me. So I tried to gently ask if such a thing was really a good idea.

No judgement, just a different perspective.

[Marylou]

well, Donna, I'm sorry but you are wrong.

 

Because of this thread, I see honestly think my MIL is mild compared to others.

 

And if the gossip, or the thread in general bothers you, simply don't open it up. The rest of us are enjoying it. If you aren't, why read through it all? To LISTEN to gossip is as much sin as in speaking it. So you're reading it is just as sinful as you speaking it. ;)

 

You are welcome to justify your actions, and no, I am not wrong.

 

Ask yourself (general, I don't know what/if you wrote) if you would write the same things if the person you are writing about were looking over your shoulder.

 

And BTW I read only the first 5 or 6 to realize it was a gossip thread. I didn't continue reading because of the nature of the responses.

 

Also a common misconception is that stories need to be true in order to be gossip. Idle talk is idle talk whether it is true or not!

 

 

 

gossip [gos-uhp] Show IPA noun, verb, -siped or -sipped, -sip⋅ing or -sip⋅ping.

–noun to talk idly, esp. about the affairs of others; go about tattling.

[pooh bear]

You are welcome to justify your actions, and no, I am not wrong.

 

Ask yourself (general, I don't know what/if you wrote) if you would write the same things if the person you are writing about were looking over your shoulder.

 

And BTW I read only the first 5 or 6 to realize it was a gossip thread. I didn't continue reading because of the nature of the responses.

 

Also a common misconception is that stories need to be true in order to be gossip. Idle talk is idle talk whether it is true or not!

 

 

 

gossip [gos-uhp] Show IPA noun, verb, -siped or -sipped, -sip⋅ing or -sip⋅ping.

–noun to talk idly, esp. about the affairs of others; go about tattling.

 

So would you say then that they people in the thread about good MILs are gossiping?

 

Are we now not allowed to relate stories of any of our family members? No more embarrassing stories about our kids?

 

If you only read the first 5 or 6 threads, and knew that it was a gossip thread, why did you feel the need to point this out to us? You could have carried onto another thread and left this one alone.

 

Some of us have no outlet for this kind of stuff, and it does us good to let off steam. We are not naming names, heck I bet bet half on the MILs mentioned here don't even have internet access. I know my doesn't.

 

No one has been hurt.

[unsinkable]

So would you say then that they people in the thread about good MILs are gossiping?

 

Are we now not allowed to relate stories of any of our family members? No more embarrassing stories about our kids?

 

If you only read the first 5 or 6 threads, and knew that it was a gossip thread, why did you feel the need to point this out to us? You could have carried onto another thread and left this one alone.

 

Some of us have no outlet for this kind of stuff, and it does us good to let off steam. We are not naming names, heck I bet bet half on the MILs mentioned here don't even have internet access. I know my doesn't.

 

No one has been hurt.

 

PoohBear/Sarah,

 

I wouldn't worry about it. If she only read the first 5 or 6 posts, then she has no idea of the scope of the pain caused by the actions of the m-i-ls mentioned. It is easy for her to misplace her sympathy when she has no deep understanding of what kind of pain has been caused since she didn't read the posts.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Ummm...I'm not discussing the affairs of others, I'm relating personal experiences. I fail to see how that's gossip, any more than relating stories about my kids, etc. If talking about others is gossip, then nobody should ever talk about their children, spouses, families, since they're not here actively participating in the discussion, good or bad.

 

May as well shut down the general board then. And no posting news article links either, since we don't have personal knowlege about the people. I guess news broadcasts are gossip too then.

[Marylou]

So would you say then that they people in the thread about good MILs are gossiping? Nope, and you know why.

 

Are we now not allowed to relate stories of any of our family members? No more embarrassing stories about our kids? You know the answer to this one, too.

 

If you only read the first 5 or 6 threads, and knew that it was a gossip thread, why did you feel the need to point this out to us? You could have carried onto another thread and left this one alone. I thought you didn't realize you were gossipping, but I now know you do!

 

Some of us have no outlet for this kind of stuff, and it does us good to let off steam. We are not naming names, heck I bet bet half on the MILs mentioned here don't even have internet access. I know my doesn't. As I stated before, gossip is not just gossip when the other party doesn't know about your words. Idle chatter and talking about the faults of others is not good for anyone. I'm sorry you believe the only way you can 'let off steam" is to burn others with it.

 

No one has been hurt. Not true

.

 

ETA I am not the one who tagged this thread as "MIL bashing", although it is!

Edited May 19, 2009 by dmmosher
edit

[Marylou]

PoohBear/Sarah,

 

I wouldn't worry about it. If she only read the first 5 or 6 posts, then she has no idea of the scope of the pain caused by the actions of the m-i-ls mentioned. It is easy for her to misplace her sympathy when she has no deep understanding of what kind of pain has been caused since she didn't read the posts.

 

:grouphug:

 

1) You don't know me, and you have no idea what my family relationships are like.

 

2) a person can be empathetic without being a gossip.

 

3)I read enough posts to know that it was an invitation for others to complain and gossip.

[pooh bear]

1) You don't know me, and you have no idea what my family relationships are like.

 

2) a person can be empathetic without being a gossip.

 

3)I read enough posts to know that it was an invitation for others to complain and gossip.

 

 

You are the one who is now complaining.

 

Sorry that we don't live in your perfect little world, but some of us do have problems. You don't even want to get me started on my own mother. Now that would be a good thread.

[Denisemomof4]

This is not gossip. Gossip is the spread of unfounded rumors or speculation about other people that is intended to be hurtful.

 

This is just a bunch of us sharing our life experiences - with humor. I don't hate my MIL, I feel sorry for her. My experiences with her have taught me to live life without regret - and, God willing that I get to be an MIL someday, what kind of treatment I want to give to the person dd marries - and his family, as well.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

like I said earlier, seeing how my mil has treated me has been a real learning experience. I always think about how I'll treat my future inlaws because of what she's done to me. No matter how I feel, I want to be as loving, supportive and accepting as possible. My own kids deserve that of me, and I don't want to drive them away.

 

Also, to see her filled with anger since her CHILDHOOD, I absolute pity her. What a way to waste a life.

[Ohdanigirl]

You are welcome to justify your actions, and no, I am not wrong.

 

Ask yourself (general, I don't know what/if you wrote) if you would write the same things if the person you are writing about were looking over your shoulder.

 

And BTW I read only the first 5 or 6 to realize it was a gossip thread. I didn't continue reading because of the nature of the responses.

 

Also a common misconception is that stories need to be true in order to be gossip. Idle talk is idle talk whether it is true or not!

 

In Mexico we say two is a conversation, three is gossip...I think she is just trying to help keep us from going overboard. Maybe it would help if we each tried to post something nice about our MIL as well.

 

And to answer your question, I would still post it if MIL was here. She would know that it was a matter of fact statement and not an attack on her. I think we have gotten to the point where we are able to discuss it, although she and dh aren't quite there yet...so I guess its a case by case thing.

 

Danielle

[jujsky]

I'll start off by saying that things with my MIL have gotten much better over the years, but she said/did some things in the past that were pretty awful. Probably the worst was when we had it out several years ago when I was pregnant with DD. I was 7 months pregnant at the time, we had an 11 month-old son we had adopted only 5 months beforehand, and my pregnancy had been a bit difficult. I had lost a baby prior to adopting DS, and had had bleeding off and on during this pregnancy. The doctors wanted me to avoid stress, and ALL she did was stress me out. While we were having it out, she said to me, "My son doesn't go to the ballet or symphony anymore. How can I think that you HAVEN'T ruined his life?!?!?!?!?!" Hmmmmmm....let's put things into perspective: he doesn't go to the symphony anymore (which he honestly didn't enjoy all that much anyway), so that means I ruined his life. Yup, thanks for stressing me out and risking the life of your granddaughter over something superficial and pointless. Much appreciated!

 

But as I said, in all seriousness, she has gotten much better. I think in many cases, when MILs don't like their DILs, it's not really the DILs they don't like. They don't necessarily like the choices their sons are making, and a DIL is an easy scapegoat (and another bad decision in a long line of bad decisions they perceive their sons have made). He doesn't go to the symphony? Must be the DIL's fault! He doesn't want an MBA? Must be the DIL's fault! He's buying a house in a suburb when he should live in the city to be near cultural attractions? Must be the DIL's fault! Once my MIL accepted the fact that I don't control DH and that he does, in fact, have a mind of his own, she started leaving me alone. Unfortunately that meant that she started critisizing him.:sad:

[Denisemomof4]

gossip is not gossip if you have NO idea who the person is who is talking, and therefore NO idea who the person she's talking about is. It's ridiculous to consider this gossip.

 

AND, to point out the gossip sin and ignore your own public sin (argumentative, pointing out conceived faults of others) is just as bad.

 

I like the way you stay away from the "gossip" in the thread but keep coming back to bash us.

:chillpill:

[pooh bear]

I like the tags that have been added

[Marylou]

gossip is not gossip if you have NO idea who the person is who is talking, and therefore NO idea who the person she's talking about is. It's ridiculous to consider this gossip.

 

AND, to point out the gossip sin and ignore your own public sin (argumentative, pointing out conceived faults of others) is just as bad.

 

I like the way you stay away from the "gossip" in the thread but keep coming back to bash us.

:chillpill:

 

About an hour ago I realized you are the OP. (I read the first part of this thread early in the day and didn't take note of who wrote it). I am fairly new here and don't remember avatars/names. I mentioned the word "gossip" only once, then others took it and ran with it. I didn't use the word "bash" or any unkind words. You can go back and check.

 

If I had known folks knew they were gossipping and didn't care I wouldn't have said anything. Now I know.

 

Pointing out faults is not bashing others. Now if I went out and spoke or wrote about what some of you are doing (speaking unkindly of someone to whom you should honor) then I would be guilty of the same.

 

I'm sorry you are so offended by my trying to make change for the good.

[Marylou]

I like the tags that have been added

 

Do you know where I can find the lyrics to the monty python song? Thanks.

[Impish]

Pointing out faults is not bashing others. Now if I went out and spoke or wrote about what some of you are doing (speaking unkindly of someone to whom you should honor) then I would be guilty of the same.

 

I'm sorry you are so offended by my trying to make change for the good.

Respect and honour is something that you earn. What you're choosing not to realize is that so many hear have been completely disrespected and dishonoured by their MIL that its sometimes nice to commiserate with those that 'get it'. And for myself, I can truly say that my MIL equally shows disrepect and dishonour for her son, our marriage and our roles as parents, so its so not a mere 'dil' issue.

 

Thinking about it more, I do respect her and honour her. She is welcome in our home, I have done nothing and would NEVER do anything to disrupt the relationship btwn her, my dh, and the kids. I only wish that we received the same respect as a married couple, as parents, and as a family unit of our own.

[Elizabeth Conley]

It seems there's quite a debate going on about whether it's proper to talk about MIL dramas on this forum.

 

While we walk a fine line when we criticize anyone openly, there's another factor here that needs to be considered:

 

In a subculture where no one admits that they have difficulties in their family life, people struggling with family problems feel isolated and ashamed. I see this frequently in "Pretend it Away" segments of society.

 

Most of us have problems in our family life. One of the most darling Christian Ladies I know, a true saint, was in tears yesterday over the antics of her mother. The other women in our social circle struggled to comfort her. Because we're not a pretentious group, the other ladies didn't make her feel defective for having such a problem in her family life. They were able to offer her comfort and encouragement in a genuine way, instead of murmuring supercilious platitudes.

 

There's a balance to be struck between "pretend it away" and "badmouth all day". Pretend it away allows abuse to go unchecked. Badmouth all day is abuse. Somewhere in between is healthy exploration of how to address life's real challenges.

 

As someone who has been forced to cope with serious abuse in a "pretend it away" Christian organization, I submit to you that the ultimate loser of the "pretend it away" strategy is the abuser. Abusive people eventually end up abandoned and alone, surrounded by wary, scarred people who fear reaching out to the abuser, no matter how dire their loneliness appears. It's not the victims who suffer the worst. In the long run it's the abusers who are devastated by the consequences of their bad behavior.

 

So let's deal with these problems honestly, be supportive, and move on to productive solutions. Let's talk about strategies for addressing interpersonal problems before they result in serious alienation between family members.

[Rosie_0801]

So let's deal with these problems honestly, be supportive, and move on to productive solutions. Let's talk about strategies for addressing interpersonal problems before they result in serious alienation between family members.

 

Yeah. What do you do to promote father/ son relations when mil actively (though probably not conciously) sabotages, it without actually pointing out that behaviour to her husband? Urgh. Both dh and I are from families where fathers and sons don't get along. If someone has the fodder for a thread on positive father/son relationships in adulthood, please start one!

 

Rosie

[Elizabeth Conley]

I hear you Rosie.

 

I sound like a braying Jack@zz to someone who's dealing with your type of problem. I don't have the answers. I freely admit to you that we have literally gone "no contact" with a family member who has conned and stolen from various members of the family, and shown every characteristic of a remorseless repeat offender. Some problems are beyond human understanding. "No contact" isn't a solution, it's just "First Aid". We've turned that problem over to God.

 

It is possible that since your MIL may be subconsciously sabotaging relationships, making her consciously aware of specific acts she's performing and the effect of these acts may be helpful. Then again, perhaps not.

 

We had a divisive matriarch in our family. Her children solved the problem by making a concerted effort to get to know one another outside the context of their natal home. They had a few casual lunches and short Holidays one on one, and got to know each other from a fresh perspective. This solved the problem.

 

This solution was the "instigated" by a daughter in law, and was none to popular with Mama. For a while she really resented the loss of power. Then she gradually realized that she liked knowing her children had an enduring love for one another.

 

It's time for me to go to bed. I'll pray for your husband and his father.

 

Blessings!

 

Elizabeth