Have you BTDT?- not liking your home

[plain jane]

I've struggled with this for quite some time now and while I do not want to be whining about it, I need to be honest with myself (and dh) that I truly am not happy here. For various reasons that I won't get into, dh was the one who chose this house, but it is all wrong for me. I do not like the layout, I hate (yes, hate!) the yard, and am not thrilled about the location. Everything about this house bothers me. It's a nice home, good size, nicely renovated, and in a desireable location, but it's all wrong for *me*. I am not wanting bigger and better, I just want a home that suits me, kwim?

 

Has anyone here BTDT? Have you lived in a home that made you cringe everytime you pulled up the drive or woke up in the morning? What can I do to try to make the most of this?

 

I do try to write down the things I am thankful for, the blessings I have, I try to focus on the 1 or 2 things that I don't detest about this place, but I find that the more time wears on, the more depressed I'm becoming here. I *am* unhappy and it is leading to depression. :(

 

I need to be able to cope with this, but I don't know how. Dh and I have already gone out and purchased nice furniture for our home and we've added touches to make it "ours" but this is simply not where I want to be. Unfortunately, it's our reality for atleast another year or so. This house is the complete opposite of everything I've ever hoped of having and I'm struggling to find peace here.

 

Please don't throw tomatoes. :tongue_smilie: I'm really trying to make the most of things here and could use a bit of friendly advice.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you own the home? Can you do some remodeling to make it more of the kind of home you would like?

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, to begin with let me just say that my home is a great source of frustration for me as well so I can relate - I think.

 

I guess I'd need to know exactly what it is that isn't working for you to offer any real practical help. The only thing I can think of is the Serenity Prayer. If there is anything you can do to change the situation then change it. I mean, if you can (and your dh is agreeable) can you sell it and buy one that suits you more? Can you knock out a wall or change the room usage or something along those lines? If not, then I think you are going to have to just accept the way things are and try to focus as much of your attention on all the good things about the house and leave it at that.

 

My house is too small for us (seven of us in 1000sf - 5 of us are all adult-size and my oldest two really need their own apartments:)). Our dining area is so small that I cannot open the back door without shoving the table forward a few feet, but then it blocks the door to the laundry room - which I happen to need access to very regularly:glare:.) I also have to move the chairs between meals in order to get to the laundry room. I have no place to sew or do crafts or leave school projects out. My 15X15 living room is our only living area and it has three computers, a television, a piano and lots of bookcases in it. When dd16 practices piano there is no refuge (she plays well, but it is just very, very loud.) My back yard is one big pile of red dirt which manages to make its way into my house constantly. We have two bathrooms (yeah!!) but they are the size of small closets.

 

We cannot sell, we cannot add on (no funds) so I have had to learn to suck it up and just be thankful that we have a home. That's harder to do during certain times of the month than others, but I really do not have any other options. Kwim?

 

ETA: Just want to say we've lived here for 20 years.

Edited May 18, 2009 by Kathleen in VA

[Delighted3]

that when I am honest with myself "I hate it". As a matter of fact, I hated it from the first time we looked at it. Some things I really dislike that will never change are the fact that the laundry room is right across the entry from the front door, so if you leave the laundry room door open, everyone can literally see all your dirty laundry. A few other things are that it is a multi level, the kitchen is very small. As you said, when I have dreamed of owning a house, this house has very few of those qualities. It is a nice house in a nice area. It's location is the primary reason I gave in because it was close to the house we had been renting for 4 years, so the kids had friends on the street and activities close by. Plus the community center and parks are very close. My husband also really wanted it.

 

As for advice, I can only say that I try not to dwell on it. I try to be thankful for the things that I have been blessed with. My husband and my kids are happy with the house and so I figure I can't have everything my own way. I try to stay content by not comparing my house with other people's houses and definitely not looking at houses for sale.

 

Just so you know that you are not alone, not everyone lives in their dream home.:001_smile:

Joy

[elegantlion]

I've struggled with this for quite some time now and while I do not want to be whining about it, I need to be honest with myself (and dh) that I truly am not happy here. For various reasons that I won't get into, dh was the one who chose this house, but it is all wrong for me. I do not like the layout, I hate (yes, hate!) the yard, and am not thrilled about the location. Everything about this house bothers me. It's a nice home, good size, nicely renovated, and in a desireable location, but it's all wrong for *me*. I am not wanting bigger and better, I just want a home that suits me, kwim?

 

Has anyone here BTDT? Have you lived in a home that made you cringe everytime you pulled up the drive or woke up in the morning? What can I do to try to make the most of this?

 

I do try to write down the things I am thankful for, the blessings I have, I try to focus on the 1 or 2 things that I don't detest about this place, but I find that the more time wears on, the more depressed I'm becoming here. I *am* unhappy and it is leading to depression. :(

 

I need to be able to cope with this, but I don't know how. Dh and I have already gone out and purchased nice furniture for our home and we've added touches to make it "ours" but this is simply not where I want to be. Unfortunately, it's our reality for atleast another year or so. This house is the complete opposite of everything I've ever hoped of having and I'm struggling to find peace here.

 

Please don't throw tomatoes. :tongue_smilie: I'm really trying to make the most of things here and could use a bit of friendly advice.

 

Oh, Jane, my yard is the only thing that gives me solace, that and my big king size bed. I almost cried when I saw this house for the first time. We pulled into this nice neighborhood, older but decent home and then we pulled up the Munster's place. I drove around the corner yesterday (we've been here 3 years) and cringed at the sight of my house.

 

I love my yard, but between allergies and bugs I look at it more than I'm in it. :grouphug:

 

We're slowly remodeling but this is the one place where dh and I disagree on choices. He did talk about putting up a tiki hut in the backyard yesterday, that would be okay.

[plain jane]

Do you own the home? Can you do some remodeling to make it more of the kind of home you would like?

 

 

Yeah, we do own this home, but sadly, no amount of remodelling is going to make it "work" for me. The layout is simply all wrong for my personality. It's hard to explain other than it really doesn't work for me. I'd like to have the front door here, but it's there instead. I'd want a house with X, Y, Z and it has A, B, C instead. :tongue_smilie: The closets are in all the wrong places, the bathrooms are awkward. Oy. In short, dh and I do not want to spend the time and money to make this house work for us as we both would like to move, but that won't be for a while yet.

[plain jane]

that when I am honest with myself "I hate it". As a matter of fact, I hated it from the first time we looked at it. Some things I really dislike that will never change are the fact that the laundry room is right across the entry from the front door, so if you leave the laundry room door open, everyone can literally see all your dirty laundry. A few other things are that it is a multi level, the kitchen is very small. As you said, when I have dreamed of owning a house, this house has very few of those qualities. It is a nice house in a nice area. It's location is the primary reason I gave in because it was close to the house we had been renting for 4 years, so the kids had friends on the street and activities close by. Plus the community center and parks are very close. My husband also really wanted it.

 

As for advice, I can only say that I try not to dwell on it. I try to be thankful for the things that I have been blessed with. My husband and my kids are happy with the house and so I figure I can't have everything my own way. I try to stay content by not comparing my house with other people's houses and definitely not looking at houses for sale.

 

Just so you know that you are not alone, not everyone lives in their dream home.:001_smile:

Joy

 

 

Thanks for your kind words, Joy. I do know that not everybody lives in their dream home, it's just this house is so far from a dream it's a nightmare.:lol:

 

I guess my biggest issues with it stem from that fact that what I hate most are the things I can't ever change. We have a TINY yard. Absolutley PUNY. No amount of remodelling can change that. :sad: And like Paula mentioned in a previous post: the bugs! :eek: There ought to be a law of sorts that realtors to have to disclose how many 6 and 8 legged creatures people will have to share their home with. :glare::glare:

[Tree House Academy]

Find one place you DO like in your house and make that your sanctuary. My sanctuary is my office/school room. I clean it more often than I do anything else. I organize this room more. I added a nice chair that is comfy, there is plenty of floor space for exercise, yoga, or just playing around. I have a CD player and like to place comforting music when I am in here. My husband also has a sanctuary - his manroom. :) That is where he keeps his hideous old furniture that I don't want other people to ever see...but he loves it and that is "his place." :) Maybe if you have a place you can go when you are feeling upset, it will help until you can move.

 

I actually like my current house, but when I lived in GA, I had an apartment where the light actually never came in the windows. When I got pregnant, there was no choice...we HAD to move. LOL

[Impish]

I hate our current home. Its a 3 bedroom townhouse. The kitchen has a grand total of 5.5 cupboards in it, a single sink, and just fits a table in. We have 1 bathroom, the dining room is actually where the computer and hs'ing stuff is kept. Diva desperately wants her own room, even to the point of begging to move into the basement...nuh uh. Our backyard is postage stamp size, done in interlocking brick, with chain link fence with plastic runners through for privacy...and directly connects to the parking lot.

 

One HUGE advantage you folks that have posted have over us though...its your home. We only rent, because we can't afford to buy yet. So, take that as a huge blessing right there. At least your money is going to a mortgage, and not just to someone else's pocket. You have the freedom, as much as you may dislike the layout of the house, to paint, change, adjust as you wish. You can choose to have as many pets as you like, not having to either abide by a 'no pets!' clause or a 'one pet per unit, pay us $100 a year in pet fees' clause. Its your own home.

 

I'd rather be in a house that wasn't my 'perfect' set up and have my name on the title, than be stuck renting. That's a huge blessing, take that from someone that's stuck renting. Not to mention also, in our area, there's no such thing as rent control. We're blessed to have landlords that are decent ppl and not going to suddenly boost our rent sky high, but it does happen.

[WTMCassandra]

I did live in a house that I really didn't like, but the difference was that it was temporary. I knew it would be for only four years, but often I had to tell myself, "Remember, it will only be for four years . . ." We did what we could with it, and other than that, I had to learn how to be content there for that season of life. There was no quick and easy way to do that. (((plain jane))) I know it is not easy.

[Karen sn]

Have you lived in a home that made you cringe everytime you pulled up the drive or woke up in the morning?

 

.

 

YES! There now.

No advcice.

Just sympathy.

 

I HATE this house and it's peeling paint falling on the floor that I have to sweep up every morning so my baby doesn't eat it......

It's hard as h*ll to keep clean (bad fung shui).

It's sooooo yucky.

 

Just imagine the house you want - design it in your head - focus on getting it.

That is what I have decided to do.

[Carrie12345]

I hate my house.

I love the vacation house that it is, but we live here full time, and it just isn't cutting it!

 

Yes, I feel terribly guilty about it. In theory, we could add more bedrooms and maybe add a rec room OR school room. We could enlarge the itty bitty kitchen. We could maybe add a 1/2 bath. But we can't afford to.

 

The house is on a great lot. Over an acre and complete privacy. But it's all rocks and trees, and the landscaping quote we got almost gave me heart failure.

 

It is what it is. We bit off a lot more than we could chew, and then we had a surprise baby. ;)

[Denisemomof4]

Since you and dh want to move but can't right now, do NOT dwell on how much you hate that house. NOTHING positive will ever come of it. Just know that you won't be there pernamently, or forever. And the one POSITIVE to where you live is that you know what you DON'T want in your next home. That's at least ONE positive. :D

 

Can you decorate it or do ANYTHING to help you be more content? Yeah, I can understand wanting to keep your dirty laundry to yourself. What about keeping the laundry out of the laundry room until it goes into the washer, and immediately remove it from the dryer so all your laundry isn't visible? Why not keep the door shut at ALL times and hang something nice that YOU LOVE on the door? Your tiny, puny yard would be EASY to turn into artwork with lovely plants/flowers! Mine, on the other hand, is so huge that even when I spend $500 on annuals to fill in when not enough perennials will do alone, they look almost lost. At the duplex I mentioned, our yard wasn't puny, but I hated to be in it because my MIL and older neighbors would all gawk. I'd rather take multiple legged insects than my MIL ANYday. :thumbup1:

 

The only thing that kept me sane was NOT dwelling on the negative, and constantly remembering that we wouldn't be there forever. For only another year? Honestly, that's nothing,. YOU CAN DO IT!!! :D

[plain jane]

At the duplex I mentioned, our yard wasn't puny, but I hated to be in it because my MIL and older neighbors would all gawk. I'd rather take multiple legged insects than my MIL ANYday. :thumbup1:

 

The only thing that kept me sane was NOT dwelling on the negative, and constantly remembering that we wouldn't be there forever. For only another year? Honestly, that's nothing,. YOU CAN DO IT!!! :D

 

 

Your MIL comment made me laugh, thanks for that. :) As for the moving in a year part, that's my OPTIMISM shining through. :D:tongue_smilie: Focusing on the positive

and all that jazz.;)

[Dirtroad]

Move some furniture around... paint a wall.... but hang on. This is NOT the time to even consider selling or moving.

 

Our house has been on the market for over 18 months. It is priced below appraisal and has acreage. We are also in a state that is not suffering like Florida or California, etc.

 

But... IT.WILL.NOT.SELL! Grrrr! No one is even looking. We have friends with houses on the market for over 2.5 years.... it isnt' pretty out here. My husband works 3 hours away & just rents a room from a man with a huge house, etc. We NEED to sell, but can't give the house away.

 

DO NOT COMPLAIN to the husband. IT will cause huge conflicts. However, as the market picks back up.... consider moving & you help PICK! Never let the man pick the house unless he is proven gifted in planning the daily events of the homelife. DH isn't!

 

You keep counting those blessings... warm, dry, clean.... and hang on!!!

[Kathleen in VA]

Oh, definitely plan what your next house will be like. That was an excellent suggestion from a pp. I lived in a tiny townhouse that was all boxy and felt closed in. When we bought this house I loved the open floor plan and the fact that I could see all through the house all at once - no more boxy feeling. But I failed to really think through a lot of other things so found out too late that I would have done a whole lot of other things differently.

 

Take a lot of time and write down all the things you'd really love in a house and all those things that you will not ever have again. That way, when the time comes to move you have got it all on paper and will feel more confident about the next place.

 

I also agree with the pp who said to pick a place in your home and make it your sanctuary. I have a chair in my LR that faces the china cabinet I got from my grandma. When I'm feeling closed in and distraught about the smallness of this place I sit there and admire all the little pretty things in the cabinet and push the rest of it out of my mind. It helps a little.

 

Now, about those bugs, wow, I really relate to that. I would be very upset if I had to face lots of bugs (btdt in Hawaii) so I really sympathize with you on that front. Honestly, that would really do me in. My dh knows how I am about bugs and even though it is very extravagant on our budget, he has the Terminix guy come out several times a year and spray our yard and crawl space. Do you think a contract with an exterminator would help with the bug problem? I notice we get a lot fewer than we used to.

 

ETA: When the Terminix guy called this year to renew our contract things were especially tight so my dh told the guy we could not renew. I guess this must be happening to them a lot because he lowered the price significantly so dh went ahead and renewed. All that to say, they are negotiable on their price so bargain with them.

Edited May 18, 2009 by Kathleen in VA

[Denisemomof4]

Your MIL comment made me laugh, thanks for that. :) As for the moving in a year part, that's my OPTIMISM shining through. :D:tongue_smilie: Focusing on the positive

and all that jazz.;)

 

yes, things are bad right now, but it WILL happen someday! There will be a good time for you to move. And one thing that you need to remember when you DO house shop is the feeling when you walk into "your" home. When we found this home, the second we walked through the front door, I knew it was "MY" home. I thought it was perfect at the time but 13 years later we're making some minor modifications. We still love the house as much now as we did when we bought it. So make SURE your next home is where you want to grow roots. Unless your dh's job causes you to move around. :001_smile:

 

Glad I could make you laugh. Unfortunately, I was NOT kidding. :biggrinjester: My mil is absolutely HORRID. I've gotten used to all these bugs in the country, but I've never gotten used to how MEAN she is!!! Dh and I will be married 20 years this Wednesday and she's just as awful now as she was the day I met her. :tongue_smilie:

[Lady Q]

Ohhhh, yes.

 

I was seven months pregnant with our first when we moved into our house, a real fixer-upper. When we bought the house, every room (except, thank God, the bathrooms!) was full of nasty flea-infested carpeting. My husband cut it all up and threw it out. We wanted to paint the walls but couldn't get all five or six or seven layers of wallpaper out. We ended up gutting the living/dining area down to studs and subfloor and starting all over. Every room was just as bad. The kitchen had these icky cabinets and three different types of linoleum counters (also icky). The bathrooms... *shudder* I hated it. I wanted to move out the moment we moved in. We literally lived in the front part of the house and had the back part shut off because it was uninhabitable.

 

We put a lot of work into this place in the five years we've been here. New floors, new walls, new roof, basement work, kitchen remodel, bathroom remodel. We even opened up the back part of the house last summer.

 

There are things about this place that can never be fixed, though. It's 30 minutes away from dh's work, church, activities and most of our friends. The yard is nice but it's hard to access and I can't just let the kids go out without me having to be out with them. There's not enough acreage for a big garden. Some of the layout is funny (frex, it's one-storey living space, and oh, I'd like the privacy of a second storey). There's no proper mudroom, just a narrow entryway where shoes, mail, random bags and jackets accumulate.

 

On the plus side, it's a good sized house: 1750 sq. ft, four bedrooms, two baths, big kitchen and living/dining area. The one-storey aspect is nice for having little ones; I can keep an ear out for the kids from anywhere in the house and don't have to worry about babies and stairs. We're close to town, so we can walk down to the library and post office and my hairstylist and the ice cream window at the deli. :D And best of all, the mortgage is low!

 

Still, I would like to move in a few years. The yard especially: my son is so active and it feels too small for him. My husband wants acreage and I want a big veggie garden. And more storage space. And a basement that's not wet. :P

 

I've liked this place more the longer I've lived in it. It's been a long hard road to this state of contentment, though.

[skaterbabs]

Jane, I complete understand where you're coming from. I detest my house, and my preferences were never a consideration when the house was chosen for our family by someone else (dh's boss - very long story).

 

I'm mildly claustrophobic, and only one room in the house has what I would consider "real" windows. And that one room is so remotely located from the rest of the house that it's not really convienent to use, despite being my favorite room.

 

The house itself is perched on the side of the hill; half our living space is actually underground (finished basement). The yard is huge (over an acre), but completely unusable unless you're a goat. :glare:

 

It's a corner lot, which means we can't have a fence over four feet tall per the county requirements, even though we could easily set the fence back far enough from the road to not obstruct view of oncoming traffic. The only part of the yard in which we can have a taller fence is BEHIND the house. Except the house is in the back corner away from the road - there's not much yard to fence there, just the garage and shed. We have two big dogs (45 & 70 lbs, respectively.) A four foot fence is a (bad) joke.

 

Of course this means that despite the size of the yard, it's not really somewhere the kids can play. Bikes and skates are out of the question - the chances of serious injury are just too high. There are no children on our street at all, so they can't go to a neighbor's and play.

 

I could go on and on, but of course I'm not allowed to complain because we got such a "good deal" on it. :glare:

Edited May 19, 2009 by skaterbabs

[stephanie]

I've struggled with this for quite some time now and while I do not want to be whining about it, I need to be honest with myself (and dh) that I truly am not happy here. For various reasons that I won't get into, dh was the one who chose this house, but it is all wrong for me. I do not like the layout, I hate (yes, hate!) the yard, and am not thrilled about the location. Everything about this house bothers me. It's a nice home, good size, nicely renovated, and in a desireable location, but it's all wrong for *me*. I am not wanting bigger and better, I just want a home that suits me, kwim?

 

Has anyone here BTDT? Have you lived in a home that made you cringe everytime you pulled up the drive or woke up in the morning? What can I do to try to make the most of this?

 

I do try to write down the things I am thankful for, the blessings I have, I try to focus on the 1 or 2 things that I don't detest about this place, but I find that the more time wears on, the more depressed I'm becoming here. I *am* unhappy and it is leading to depression. :(

 

I need to be able to cope with this, but I don't know how. Dh and I have already gone out and purchased nice furniture for our home and we've added touches to make it "ours" but this is simply not where I want to be. Unfortunately, it's our reality for atleast another year or so. This house is the complete opposite of everything I've ever hoped of having and I'm struggling to find peace here.

 

Please don't throw tomatoes. :tongue_smilie: I'm really trying to make the most of things here and could use a bit of friendly advice.

 

 

Hi, my friend!

 

Well, I have btdt for sure. Dh and I bought this house we're in when we got married. We renovated it, changed everything, and made it our own. We loved it. When dd8 was born we decided it was time for a bigger home so we moved to a neighborhood down the road that is probably considered a little more "upscale" . It was a new home, nothing to do to it besides paint. The yard was oddly shaped and the street was too busy for me to feel comfy letting the kids run around in. Of course, being 9 months preggie when we looked at it, none of these things mattered. I just wanted space because I was nesting. To top it off, the neighbors were all snoots. No one talked to us except the neighborhood kids! I think dh and I were probably on the younger side compared to all the people that lived in the neighborhood so they just didn't relate to us. I was absolutely miserable in that house. It didn't feel right. I dreaded even being there. I tried my hardest to be happy there, even praying over each room hoping that would help, but no luck. In the meantime, we rented our house that we had bought when we first married. Fortunately, the renters were transferred so our house was vacant! Well, after only 7 months my (very understanding) dh sold our house and moved me back into our home that we are still in. It's significantly smaller, in a neighborhood that's not as nice as the other, but it's home. I know the sound of the door shutting, and the sound of the rain hitting my front porch that my dh built. Every bit of this house is us...from the picket fence to the heights of my kids written down on the garage door trim. Yesterday my mom came over and said, "Honey, this house is just you. I can't imagine you anywhere else." So I absolutely understand feeling like your house is 'you'. Fortunately, I have a dh who was so very supportive and decided he would do anything to keep us happy. I would have stayed in that house if we had to, but dh and the kids wanted to come home as much as I did. Since then we've never looked back. We are desperately out of space and kids are piled on top of each other in their rooms, but it's still home. Whew! That was a mouthful!