Legal Issues of Child Custody

[Mandy in TN]

I would just say that many of us have been where you are if this is the case. The fighting is not healthy for the children, that is true. But if there is anything there, between the two of you, that is worth saving, it can be worth the effort to stay. The first 7-8 years of my marriage were more fighting than getting along. There usually seemed like there was nothing worth staying for except a sense of obligation. But now, all these years later, I am glad we persisted.

 

I hope there is a little bit of what brought you two together still left, that can be enough to build on. It really can.

:iagree:I truly believe that people who have been together for the long haul talk about bad years- not bad disagreements, not bad months, not bad situations- bad years. Well, I do know a few couples that may not fit this description, but then they don't have the intense passion that I want in a relationship.:tongue_smilie:If you want the intensity, expect passionate disagreements as well.

 

And moving is stressful even when you want to move. The last time dh and I moved I was ready to look for a lawyer- seriously.

Mandy

[Karen sn]

:iagree:This info changes everything. If it is something that cannot be resolved than it is not good for the children. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

 

Hope you find a solution soon.

 

:grouphug:

Danielle

 

Thank you.

He just doesn't know how to fight well.

It's ok to disagree and discuss but he yells and acts like an idiot.

I'm the type to just walk away from stupidity, but he comes after me and wants to "resolve it." So then the argument just escalates.

And I can't have my kids growing up in that tension.

I can't do it to myself either.

[Mandy in TN]

Thank you.

He just doesn't know how to fight well.

It's ok to disagree and discuss but he yells and acts like an idiot.

I'm the type to just walk away from stupidity, but he comes after me and wants to "resolve it." So then the argument just escalates.

And I can't have my kids growing up in that tension.

I can't do it to myself either.

 

:lol:It would be incredibly naive to think that is uncommon. I personally can't sleep until there is resolution. It makes dh crazy.

 

Anyway, haven't studies shown that children fair better in a dysfunctional family than in a divided family? What was the name of the book that looked at adult children 30 years after their parent's divorce?

 

Mandy

Edited May 17, 2009 by Mandy in TN

[Rosie_0801]

Thank you.

He just doesn't know how to fight well.

It's ok to disagree and discuss but he yells and acts like an idiot.

I'm the type to just walk away from stupidity, but he comes after me and wants to "resolve it." So then the argument just escalates.

And I can't have my kids growing up in that tension.

I can't do it to myself either.

 

Sounds like you guys need to work on your conflict resolution skills. Walking away won't get you any closer to a resolution than yelling like a madman. Try counselling, if you can. If you don't like the first person you see, find another. Stuff like this can be fixed.

 

Rosie

[Mandy in TN]

What was the name of the book that looked at adult children 30 years after their parent's divorce?

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce:

A 25 Year Landmark Study

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/bk-the_unexpected_legacy_of_di.html

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Yes. The tri-cities group which just got ahold of me after trying to get in touch with them FOREVER. And this other one which seems a little more organized and I am actually meeting them next week.

 

I'm sorry, Karen. It's been so hard, these past three months. I come home and sleep for what feels like 32 of the 48 hours off, then study and try not to clench my teeth for the next.

 

I should have followed up better on my dinner invite and on your coffee invite, though. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

 

You have a church in your back yard that will have you sitting by a Buddhist on the right, an atheist on the left, a lapsed Catholic to the front, and a free-thinking Jew to the back. And a lot of liberal Presbyterians all around. And you can sit side by side with the pastor at the local GLBT meetings, and help plant the meditation labyrinth in backyard of the church and do reiki on Tuesdays and drum circle on Saturday afternoon and read the Koran in a year (well, if you catch up) along with them. Have you visited? They are so very welcoming. And they would snuggle your baby and envelope your daughter. It's a good community. But they do not proselytize, so you would have to seek them out, I think, and actually make the move to attend.

 

I've been through hell and back with the father of my kids, yelling, him not knowing how to fight, me not knowing how to give him space. I know your frustration. We had to learn each other. It was not easy. I would never want to start over again, it was that hard.

 

I'm very very sorry that you're hurting and sad and that I'm here and that I'm not helping very much at all. I hope you find the right path to take in this situation.

[phathui5]

I agree.

But we fight more than we get along and no child needs to be around that.

 

Then maybe couples' counseling is in order?

[Anne Rittenhouse]

Look forward to that get together....Hugs from all. It will get better.

[Karen sn]

Pam, this was to you but I erased your quote.

I remember all too well the night shift.

You will not feel like you are rested no matter how long you sleep.

I will NEVER do nights again because of how awful I felt on my days off.

 

Study? Didn't you pass your test already?

 

No need to apologize, I know how busy life is.

I am just bummed because my relationship SUCKS and everyone told me how nice people here are and blah blah blah....but the truth (for me) is they're alot easier to meet in Florida, and alot nicer too.

 

This place is soooo cliquey.

 

And for crying out loud - 10% tax on food?!

It's cheaper to live in Florida!

If you have to be poor - at least live where flip flops and a bathing suit are all you need. KWIM?

 

And the rain.....don't get me started on that.

When the sun does come out, you still can't lay in the grass because it's soaked.

 

I'm just biding my time here.

There is nothing here for me.

And MSHA - what a bunch of Idiots!!!!

I did my phone interview in DECEMBER. They act like all is well.

"Just move on up and we'll process your paperwork...."

When I get here - a few weeks later - they tell me, "Oh, we just changed the requirements for that position and you need 6 months more experience."

 

Hmmmmmm....not sure I want to work for the idiots who forgot to mention that in my INTERVIEW. And then the liars where bf was supposed to work renigged on their job offer as well. So - we get here and find out that it's all a lie. He started his own business and so is working. But I'm not real happy in this house of peeling paint chips that I sweep off of my floor every single morning before I let my BABY crawl around. It's freshly painted..... Who knows how many layers of paint underneath, but when it chips, it's all the way to the wood and I can just imagine all the lead from the old paint.

 

Tennessee - pretty to look at, I'll take a picture.

Not so much fun to live here though.

[Karen sn]

:lol:It would be incredibly naive to think that is uncommon. I personally can't sleep until there is resolution. It makes dh crazy.

 

Anyway, haven't studies shown that children fair better in a dysfunctional family than in a divided family? What was the name of the book that looked at adult children 30 years after their parent's divorce?

 

Mandy

 

 

I'm going to have to disagree with this.

If you had to listen to someone fighting

EVERY SINGLE DAY

you would grow up thinking it is normal and then your relationships would mimic that.

Not gonna let my dd or ds grow up and have horrible relationships just so we can have a "whole" family.

 

I think mama being happy and daddy being happy is what will ultimately make kids happy.

I am 37 years old - I know the difference between a little spat and major life altering fights.

This isn't healthy.

[Karen sn]

Then maybe couples' counseling is in order?

 

We make our rent in 2 payments.

There is no money for counseling and I don't want to be with him.

I thought I loved my son enough to stay with his dad.

Now I realize that I love my children enough to leave.

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

 

It took me a long time to realize that - that a truly happy mom is a better one. I'm taking steps to reach that place myself. I hope you can find it easier than it's going for me....

 

I know what it's like to live in a place that you hate too - that was me for 35 years in CA. Fine - YOU love it, i get it people. I don't - don't beat me up for wanting to live in FL. UGH. I've struggled making friends here though - there isn't a lot of opportunity to meet people in my area. But living where i love the weather sure helps that!

 

More :grouphug:

[Anne Rittenhouse]

Oh lord honey. Hugs to y'all. No wonder Tenn is no fun. You and your significant other need to sit down and talk about what has happened and what you want to have happen with your family. It's not Tenn in and of itself....it's all the disappointments all along. The entire family unit is under so much stress....it isn't any wonder that it's all falling apart. Don't discount the stress of the move and double it up with the stress of the lies and then job situation. Hugs and more hugs. Both of you need to together make a list of priorities to move towards change. The list might include safer housing....commitment to a single social activity together....or even moving again to another location is say two years....only the two of you together can decide. Don't come to the internet to decide your life.....go to you partner. Anne.

Edited May 17, 2009 by Anne Rittenhouse

[FlockOfSillies]

...and you'll probably feel attacked and judged and Bible thumped, yadda yadda. But I'm going to say it anyway, and I hope that if you don't delete it, something here will help you sort things out just a little.

 

First off, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's tough, no doubt about it. And I don't have any easy answers for you. It's pretty clear by now that this situation falls under the "no spouse bashing" rule here on the boards, so you should definitely seek help IRL.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with this.

If you had to listen to someone fighting

EVERY SINGLE DAY

you would grow up thinking it is normal and then your relationships would mimic that.

 

I did grow up listening to my parents fighting all the time. I knew it wasn't normal. But looking back, things would have been much worse had they split up. The fighting wouldn't have ended. It only would have changed on the surface. The "he's being a jerk" would have taken the form of "he's not paying enough child support" rather than "he's not paying enough attention to me." And we kids would still have been stuck in the middle.

 

I do exhibit my mom's behaviors from time to time. That's not because I think it's "normal." It's because it's what I was taught, for better or for worse. By the sheer grace of God (sorry to get all Bible thumpy on you, but I'm just explaining my own experience), I ended up with a husband who is Mr. Even Keel Personality, and who shows me every day what normal ought to be. My own daily personal challenge is to fight against my training.

 

Not gonna let my dd or ds grow up and have horrible relationships just so we can have a "whole" family.

 

But you don't have a "whole" family, and you haven't in a long time. Perhaps it's time you admit it to yourself. You're not with your dd's father, and you're living with the baby daddy of #2, and you're thisclose to packing your bags again. You are teaching your children to make lifelong connections (i.e. reproduce) with other people, only to "get out" when it's most convenient for you, to "walk away" instead of resolving conflict. (The hardest thing for any of us to do, when we're in an ongoing fight, is to stop pointing the finger at the other person and to start to ask ourselves, "What am I doing wrong? How am I being selfish or inconsiderate?")

 

My own sister could tell you all about how glad she is that she's not with her son's father, but the man is still in her life via her son (and the courts :tongue_smilie:). He will always be in her life, beyond the years of meeting up every week for visitation exchanges. Graduations, her son's wedding, the list goes on. Her life is infinitely more complicated than it would have been otherwise. And more than that, her son has to live with the complexity and tension always being foisted on him.

 

I think mama being happy and daddy being happy is what will ultimately make kids happy.

I am 37 years old - I know the difference between a little spat and major life altering fights.

This isn't healthy.

 

(gently) I think you're much too focused on mama being happy, and demanding that everyone else around you fall in line with that. Mama's/Daddy's happiness <> Kids' happiness. In fact, in many situations the kids' happiness requires a certain level of parental unhappiness (or inconvenience, at the least). I say all this because, while I know you've done the single mom thing before, I think you need to stop and think about your children's future. You are being awfully cavalier about their needs. You may find it easy to cut this guy out of your emotional life, but your child cannot. When you cut this guy out of your life, you're cutting him out of your child's life, and it will leave a hole. This guy is just another guy to you, but he's not just any old guy to your child.

 

So I agree with you, that this is not a healthy pattern. And one of the questions you need to ask yourself is, "Am I going to do this again?" Hopefully, the answer is a resounding "No." But you need to replace it with a positive pattern. What will that be?

 

So click the Ignore button, or rant and rave away. But I hope you'll come away with some food for thought.

 

Good luck and godspeed.

[Alison in KY]

I am so sorry :grouphug:. Like everyone mentioned, I think most of us have been there in our relationships. I know I've been married since 95 and I'm just now handling my relationship with my husband fairly well (on most days). It takes time. Are you a Christian? The one thing that helped me was finally stepping out in faith and putting my focus on God. I wanted to please Him and so I just started to talk to Him more. I'll admit in doing that I did beg him to either take my husband away (yes, in a permanent way) or plug him into our life with a more gentle spirit. We did the yelling thing, not all the time, but when it happened it was major. I spent all of 2006 ready to get a divorce, but I never felt like God gave me the OK. So I stayed and I was miserable for a time. I can look back now and say I'm so glad I'm still here with an intact family. This may not be your answer, but it sounds like things are so messed up around you that it's hard to just have peace and give the relationship a chance.

 

Think about this, what if you didn't have paint chips falling on the floor? And what if you made a friend or two...would that relationship with your boyfriend change? Would your attitude improve...and your boyfriends attitude follow? It may not improve at all, but from your description then you aren't happy with anything. It's just too hard making a good decision with all of your unahappiness weighing you down. Try to have some peace and let your boyfriend know, in a letter or someway that will not escalate into a shouting match. Go outside for some walks, in the rain if you have to :001_smile:, and meet some people.

 

Church is a great place for free counseling...that's what I did and it did help me, it was comforting to feel that someone cared about what I was going through...and it was free:).

 

And please understand where Flockofsillies is coming from, it took some courage to post that, and a lot of love.

 

Alison

[Country Mouse]

Karen :grouphug:

I know you said money is tight so paying for counselling is out of the question, however, in many cities there are mental health clinics that offer free or reduced counselling on a sliding scale. It might be worth looking into that if you haven't already.

Also, Pam mentioned what sounds like a UU church nearby. The minister there might be a good place to start in terms of someone to talk to - just you or you and db.

I don't live in TN but in a nearby state and we have had terrible weather this spring. It makes everything harder to deal with. It will be sunny and hot very soon, I promise :).

I wish you the best with this difficult situation.

[Tree House Academy]

Yes. The tri-cities group which just got ahold of me after trying to get in touch with them FOREVER. And this other one which seems a little more organized and I am actually meeting them next week.

 

Is the other one the one in Kingsport? That is the one I was thinking of. The one I am with would be too far a drive for you (it is in NC).

[Tree House Academy]

Sometimes it IS better to end a marriage/relationship than stay in it. I did that with my older son's dad. I can't count the number of people that told me "don't leave...don't break up your family." (And you all read the posts about him recently with regard to my son staying alone...imagine being married to him!) I tried for almost 4 years. We did counseling, he told her I was just a b*tch. His words. There was fighting to the point of physical pushing/shoving. Never hitting, but scuffling. There was name calling, yelling, screaming, throwing of things across the room. When my son was 3 (and had seen this for 3 freaking years of his life), he crawled into my lap and said, "mommy, I am scared of daddy." THAT WAS IT! I didn't care what anyone said about "saving my family" - I filed for divorce.

 

In some cases, it IS worth leaving. We don't know her personal situation or what it is like in her home.

 

I can also relate to "sticking it out" in my current marriage. The first several years were ROUGH...but mostly it was learning to live together, having a baby in the first year, and growing as ONE. There was no name calling, pushing, throwing things. We argued, there were times I thought I should leave of we should divorce, but it was NOTHING like my first marriage. NOTHING. It was worth fighting for!

 

KAREN: When dh and I first got married, we moved to GA. After we had been there for a month or two, my dh became depressed. He longed to be back here (his land, his extended family). Of course, I didn't listen. We bought a house, we got jobs, but he was still MISERABLE. It changed who he was. I saw that and told him that I would follow him wherever he wanted to go. He worked hard, got a job and we moved back here. Since then, he is so very happy. I am happy seeing him happy. It sounds like you are very much like my dh living here in TN. Sometimes people just can't adapt and really, a partner who loves them, will see that and do something about it...especially if the partner CAN adapt easily. :)

Edited May 17, 2009 by Tree House Academy

[Karen sn]

:grouphug:

 

It took me a long time to realize that - that a truly happy mom is a better one. I'm taking steps to reach that place myself. I hope you can find it easier than it's going for me....

 

I know what it's like to live in a place that you hate too - that was me for 35 years in CA. Fine - YOU love it, i get it people. I don't - don't beat me up for wanting to live in FL. UGH. I've struggled making friends here though - there isn't a lot of opportunity to meet people in my area. But living where i love the weather sure helps that!

 

More :grouphug:

 

I need at least decent weather as well!!!!!

Thanks for this post.

I hope you find your happiness as well.

[Karen sn]

...and you'll probably feel attacked and judged and Bible thumped, yadda yadda. But I'm going to say it anyway, and I hope that if you don't delete it, something here will help you sort things out just a little.

 

First off, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's tough, no doubt about it. And I don't have any easy answers for you. It's pretty clear by now that this situation falls under the "no spouse bashing" rule here on the boards, so you should definitely seek help IRL.

 

 

 

I did grow up listening to my parents fighting all the time. I knew it wasn't normal. But looking back, things would have been much worse had they split up. The fighting wouldn't have ended. It only would have changed on the surface. The "he's being a jerk" would have taken the form of "he's not paying enough child support" rather than "he's not paying enough attention to me." And we kids would still have been stuck in the middle.

 

I do exhibit my mom's behaviors from time to time. That's not because I think it's "normal." It's because it's what I was taught, for better or for worse. By the sheer grace of God (sorry to get all Bible thumpy on you, but I'm just explaining my own experience), I ended up with a husband who is Mr. Even Keel Personality, and who shows me every day what normal ought to be. My own daily personal challenge is to fight against my training.

 

 

 

But you don't have a "whole" family, and you haven't in a long time. Perhaps it's time you admit it to yourself. You're not with your dd's father, and you're living with the baby daddy of #2, and you're thisclose to packing your bags again. You are teaching your children to make lifelong connections (i.e. reproduce) with other people, only to "get out" when it's most convenient for you, to "walk away" instead of resolving conflict. (The hardest thing for any of us to do, when we're in an ongoing fight, is to stop pointing the finger at the other person and to start to ask ourselves, "What am I doing wrong? How am I being selfish or inconsiderate?")

 

My own sister could tell you all about how glad she is that she's not with her son's father, but the man is still in her life via her son (and the courts :tongue_smilie:). He will always be in her life, beyond the years of meeting up every week for visitation exchanges. Graduations, her son's wedding, the list goes on. Her life is infinitely more complicated than it would have been otherwise. And more than that, her son has to live with the complexity and tension always being foisted on him.

 

 

 

(gently) I think you're much too focused on mama being happy, and demanding that everyone else around you fall in line with that. Mama's/Daddy's happiness <> Kids' happiness. In fact, in many situations the kids' happiness requires a certain level of parental unhappiness (or inconvenience, at the least). I say all this because, while I know you've done the single mom thing before, I think you need to stop and think about your children's future. You are being awfully cavalier about their needs. You may find it easy to cut this guy out of your emotional life, but your child cannot. When you cut this guy out of your life, you're cutting him out of your child's life, and it will leave a hole. This guy is just another guy to you, but he's not just any old guy to your child.

 

So I agree with you, that this is not a healthy pattern. And one of the questions you need to ask yourself is, "Am I going to do this again?" Hopefully, the answer is a resounding "No." But you need to replace it with a positive pattern. What will that be?

 

So click the Ignore button, or rant and rave away. But I hope you'll come away with some food for thought.

 

Good luck and godspeed.

 

 

I hardly consider telling you that we fight spouse bashing!

And for the record, I never talk bad about my exhusband in front of my dd. Even though he did sleep with the hippie chick down the street who I thought was my friend and it caused me to loose the only house I have ever really had. A house I would still be living in NOW. I have even let my ex spend the night in our living room because he was there to pick dd up for a visit and it got late and he really didn't want to drive. My ex still talks to my mother! And has spent a week with my dd at her house.

 

Actually, I don't really talk bad about him to anyone.

We're kind of friendly now.

 

Due to the fact that my parents' divorce was so ugly - I made sure that mine was not. We talk on the phone and are civil. He is welcome to come in my house and I will even feed him! When he is down on his luck and there is no money, I let him slide on child support. We have NEVER had a fight since our divorce 9 years ago!!!! NEVER. Not one fight. But when we were married we fought hard - as in he was physical with me.

 

And I am not cavalier about this at all.

I just can't even begin to imagine the neurological damage that occurs when a child has to hear fighting every single day. I wonder what studies have been done on that!

[swellmomma]

I do not know your whole situation, but I can can empathize. When I made the choice to end my marriage, we had been fighting non-stop all along. We were ONLY together because I got pregnant and my folks kicked me out so I moved in with him even though we broke up a week before I took the test. I had known him less than 2 months when we moved in together. The fighting was there right from the start, what made matters worse was his mother physically attacking me when I was 4 months pg causing my placenta to tear and me almost losing my baby. And he sided with his mother. From that moment on I resented him but felt like I had no other options. He proceeded to cheat on me when I was 7 months pregnant and the day I had my preterm c-sectionhe left me at the hospital and cheated on me. When ds was 5.5 weeks old I got pg again.

 

The combination of a preemie at home, pregnant again, he quit his job and remained jobless asking me to commit welfare fraud because all the available work was "beneath" him, spending the formula and diaper money on booze and expecting my parents to provide for us. However, I wanted to make it work for my kids. I stood by his side when he went back to school. I did as he asked which was to make sure not a single trace of the kids was evident in the house when he got home. I moved twice for him to work. I stood by him while he watched porn every night after work from the moment he got home until the wee hours of the morning. And eventually I married him. By that point we were never even civil to each other. I had the inlaws move in with us and ended up having an affair because my bil actually treated me like a human being deserving of respect. Our marriage ended on Valentine's '01 when my ex-h hit me and raped me.

 

From the start of just fights from stress and hormones to the day he did that to me our relationship only lasted 3 years total. In that time we had 2 kids, one of which was a sick preemie with evidence of special needs since he was 6 months old, 2 major moves, the inlaws living with us, job loss, alcohol, porn and adultery not to mention the non-stop fighting. I do not mean arguing I mean being screamed at that you are useless, ugly, stupid etc.

 

My kids were only 2.5 and 18 months when I left. They had lived there short lives until that point in constant turmoil and tension. I can promise that having a broken home was better than sticking it out in that home just for the sake of the kids.

 

It has been 8 years since I left, my ex and I can speak civilly now but I know I made the right choice. For years he asked me to come back but to not bring the kids. HIS OWN CHILDREN! he has seen them maybe 5 times in 8 years, refuses to accept he fathered special needs kids. My kids would have been living all this time in that chaos and knowing their father didn't want them around. Yes right now they live knowing he doesn't want them, he proves that by not being in contact, but at least they are not living each day listening to constant screaming, and insults, and seeing their father passed out drunk all the time, or me getting hit.

 

ANyway, I am not trying to make this about me. My point is sometimes walking away is the best decision you can make for your children. From the outside looking in, my marriage looked like it was fine just with fighting, nobody knew what fully went on behind closed doors.

 

I know it sucks to be contemplating leaving again when you already have a failed marriage. I know that has been a major fear of mine and part of the reason I have remained single. But only you know what is best in your situation. If it is just fighting with the stress of a move and baby tossed in, then yes sticking it out might be an option, and down the road you can likely work through it. If there is other factors that we don't know about only you can decide if there is a chance of this relationship working of if walking away is the best course of action.

 

As for legal issues, since you are not married I do not think he has any rights to keep you there unless he proves paternity. That said I am in Canada not the US so I do not know what the laws etc are like there.

 

:grouphug: good luck with your decision no matter what it is, it is not a decision taken lightly I am sure and know it ate me up when I had to make it

[CactusPair]

:grouphug: hugs for you Karen.

 

BTDT.

 

best wishes for peace, strength, and a good plan

[Ria]

Karen,

 

I'm sorry, I really am. I have no advice except the obvious - you need to talk to your bf. Do you have any idea how he'd feel about you leaving with the baby? Do you think he'd be upset, or do you think he'd be willing to let you go?

 

Ria

[HeatherLynn]

There is a new movement with child custody where one parent may not take the children outside of a touching county radius to live unless there is good reason (not just because you don't like it there). No matter what the laws state, the judge has ultimate say so. If he took you to court, they could very well restrict you to the area, or give him custody. Also, you wou ld have to use TN court system if you moved since that is where residency is established and if you lived in another state they are more likely to side with the resident of their state and not someone that couldn't stand the place. Judges are VERY MUCH more father friendly than they used to be. Ask me how I know.

[HeatherLynn]

I agree.

But we fight more than we get along and no child needs to be around that.

 

Why do you fight? Is it because you are projecting your misery of your living situation on him? Does he pick fights? Do you pick fights? What is the background behind the fighting? When a man feels down on himself because he is not providing the way he should, he is often defensive. Also, if you are miserable and you let him know it, I am sure he doesn't feel respected or loved and that can make things harsh. Then you fight and it makes you feel unrespected and unloved, and that is hard on you. It is a cycle, no matter where it starts, someone has to end it. Have you tried responding differently? Have you talked during a calm moment about ways to not fight?

 

Wise words. Dh and I had a rocky start as well. Living together in a new place, new life, new baby can really stress a relationship. I m so glad now that I didn't walk out when I was tempted. Somewhere along the way we grew up and learned to better deal with stress, issues and disagreements.

 

Ditto. My first marriage did end, but due to infidelity on his part and him not wanting to be married anymore. My current marriage ALMOST ended. We were separated. However, I am glad we worked it out and found ways to respect each other better. It was worth it.

 

Thank you.

He just doesn't know how to fight well.

It's ok to disagree and discuss but he yells and acts like an idiot.

I'm the type to just walk away from stupidity, but he comes after me and wants to "resolve it." So then the argument just escalates.

And I can't have my kids growing up in that tension.

I can't do it to myself either.

 

Sounds to me like you need to also look in the mirror. He is tryingt o resolve and you are calling him stupid. Sounds like you are not willing to listen to his feelings, and I am sure that is frustrating (frustration often = anger, especially in men). What tension will be created if you leave? trading one sorce of tension for another does not ease anything.

 

Sounds like you guys need to work on your conflict resolution skills. Walking away won't get you any closer to a resolution than yelling like a madman. Try counselling, if you can. If you don't like the first person you see, find another. Stuff like this can be fixed.

 

Rosie

 

I agree, and there are MANY avenues for free counseling. Even the library has books on conflict resolution. Dr. Phils relationship books. SOMETHING.

 

We make our rent in 2 payments.

There is no money for counseling and I don't want to be with him.

I thought I loved my son enough to stay with his dad.

Now I realize that I love my children enough to leave.

 

I think the bolded is the real issue at hand. The rest is just fluff.

 

But you don't have a "whole" family, and you haven't in a long time. Perhaps it's time you admit it to yourself. You're not with your dd's father, and you're living with the baby daddy of #2, and you're thisclose to packing your bags again. You are teaching your children to make lifelong connections (i.e. reproduce) with other people, only to "get out" when it's most convenient for you, to "walk away" instead of resolving conflict. (The hardest thing for any of us to do, when we're in an ongoing fight, is to stop pointing the finger at the other person and to start to ask ourselves, "What am I doing wrong? How am I being selfish or inconsiderate?")

 

My own sister could tell you all about how glad she is that she's not with her son's father, but the man is still in her life via her son (and the courts :tongue_smilie:). He will always be in her life, beyond the years of meeting up every week for visitation exchanges. Graduations, her son's wedding, the list goes on. Her life is infinitely more complicated than it would have been otherwise. And more than that, her son has to live with the complexity and tension always being foisted on him.

 

 

 

(gently) I think you're much too focused on mama being happy, and demanding that everyone else around you fall in line with that. Mama's/Daddy's happiness <> Kids' happiness. In fact, in many situations the kids' happiness requires a certain level of parental unhappiness (or inconvenience, at the least). I say all this because, while I know you've done the single mom thing before, I think you need to stop and think about your children's future. You are being awfully cavalier about their needs. You may find it easy to cut this guy out of your emotional life, but your child cannot. When you cut this guy out of your life, you're cutting him out of your child's life, and it will leave a hole. This guy is just another guy to you, but he's not just any old guy to your child.

 

So I agree with you, that this is not a healthy pattern. And one of the questions you need to ask yourself is, "Am I going to do this again?" Hopefully, the answer is a resounding "No." But you need to replace it with a positive pattern. What will that be?

 

So click the Ignore button, or rant and rave away. But I hope you'll come away with some food for thought.

 

Good luck and godspeed.

 

I agree with everything I quoted from FlockOfSillies

Edited May 17, 2009 by HeatherLynn

[TraceyS/FL]

There is a new movement with child custody where one parent may not take the children outside of a touching county radius to live unless there is good reason (not just because you don't like it there). No matter what the laws state, the judge has ultimate say so. If he took you to court, they could very well restrict you to the area, or give him custody. Also, you wou ld have to use TN court system if you moved since that is where residency is established and if you lived in another state they are more likely to side with the resident of their state and not someone that couldn't stand the place. Judges are VERY MUCH more father friendly than they used to be. Ask me how I know.

 

Because she hasnt' been a resident of TN for 6 months, they don't technically have control yet. FL might not either - it might be a limbo thing.

 

I can move 50 miles in a circle from my current house, to move over that i have to prove why it would be best for the kids to allow me to move further.

 

About the only thing i can say in response to some of the stuff posted is that....

 

Well, maybe she HAS taken that look in the mirror and realized it's time to break the cycle.

 

It's never easy, and I just went thru H and back with some "friends" recently because what i need was hugs, and what i got was judgement.

 

Will it be easy? No, what i'm going thru right now is H#&& compared to just living with it as of December. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.... but i do know that it IS for the best for me, which makes it best for the kids because it's making me a better person. If i don't like myself, nor take care of myself, how can i be a good care taker?

 

I'm guessing Karen hasn't made any decisions lightly....

 

:grouphug:

[Tree House Academy]

Wow - I am surprised to see so many harsh judgements of the OP. :( When you don't walk in her shoes, it is hard to know where she is coming from. As a woman who left her husband...the father of her son...when everyone around her was saying she was making a huge mistake - I have to stick up for the OP here and say that only she can determine whether or not she should leave. She asked the board members if we knew whether or not she could legally move back to FL if the baby's dad lived in TN. I never saw her ask for relationship advice or judgements of her past life with other men, divorces, etc. I do realize she answered some posts that maybe opened her up to comments (i.e. saying that they fight and she wants out), but really, why must we judge her? We were all there for the divorce, the fighting, the moving? Nope. Just like no one knows what it was like INSIDE my first marriage or why I left my ex husband. This is pretty shaky ground...I really wish everyone would tread more lightly.

[pooh bear]

Wow - I am surprised to see so many harsh judgements of the OP. :( When you don't walk in her shoes, it is hard to know where she is coming from. As a woman who left her husband...the father of her son...when everyone around her was saying she was making a huge mistake - I have to stick up for the OP here and say that only she can determine whether or not she should leave. She asked the board members if we knew whether or not she could legally move back to FL if the baby's dad lived in TN. I never saw her ask for relationship advice or judgements of her past life with other men, divorces, etc. I do realize she answered some posts that maybe opened her up to comments (i.e. saying that they fight and she wants out), but really, why must we judge her? We were all there for the divorce, the fighting, the moving? Nope. Just like no one knows what it was like INSIDE my first marriage or why I left my ex husband. This is pretty shaky ground...I really wish everyone would tread more lightly.

 

:iagree:

 

:grouphug: to you Karen and your kids

[Mommy22alyns]

Actually - I have been here 5 months and NO FRIENDS.

People here have their friends and family already and don't need anymore.

 

This is NOT the first time I have ever lived away from home.

The farthest I ever lived from Florida was Alaska for 2 years.

And in the first month of living in Alaska I had friends.

People were friendly. I loved it even though I missed home sometimes.

 

In this part of Tennessee if you ain't a Bible thumping Christian and belong to the same church as your mama's mama's mama - no one cares to talk to you.

I am seriously not stupid and know how to make friends. People here are not friendly.

 

 

 

I'm sorry... I've pretty much had the same experience here, and I've lived in TN for 9 years. I'm not sure why. :glare: They're all up in your business here, but not friendly. Are you in mid-state?

 

:grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

Judges are VERY MUCH more father friendly than they used to be.

 

As they should be.

[Karen sn]

I'm sorry... I've pretty much had the same experience here, and I've lived in TN for 9 years. I'm not sure why. :glare: They're all up in your business here, but not friendly. Are you in mid-state?

 

:grouphug:

 

Northeast corner.

[Nakia]

Wow - I am surprised to see so many harsh judgements of the OP. :( When you don't walk in her shoes, it is hard to know where she is coming from. As a woman who left her husband...the father of her son...when everyone around her was saying she was making a huge mistake - I have to stick up for the OP here and say that only she can determine whether or not she should leave. She asked the board members if we knew whether or not she could legally move back to FL if the baby's dad lived in TN. I never saw her ask for relationship advice or judgements of her past life with other men, divorces, etc. I do realize she answered some posts that maybe opened her up to comments (i.e. saying that they fight and she wants out), but really, why must we judge her? We were all there for the divorce, the fighting, the moving? Nope. Just like no one knows what it was like INSIDE my first marriage or why I left my ex husband. This is pretty shaky ground...I really wish everyone would tread more lightly.

 

 

:iagree:

 

It makes sad to see such harsh comments.

:grouphug: Karen. I hope you can find peace.

[HeatherLynn]

I am sorry if I said anything that came across as judgemental or harsh. I was just trying to say that maybe the issues you have can be worked out and you wan't have to deal with potential custody issues.

 

I think sometomes we need others to point out things we may not see our self. Everyone needs some self examination once in a while. When someone is busy saying "he he he" or "she she she", there is a huge lack of "me me me". In every situation there is a "me" element.

 

She told us SHE is miserable because she misses home and has no friends. She is miserable because her house is not what she wants it to be. Her relationship is in trouble. The only way she sees to fix that is to leave, and others were just trying to point out other options, and maybe help her see another way out.

[hana]

I haven't been on these boards much in the last year or so, but I just had to post that I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you are able to find peace for yourself and your children soon.