OK. so JenniferLost's thread has inspired me (feminine input only, please)

[Halftime Hope]

I need suggestions on how to normalize (amp up the level of) desire. And I don't mean in the moment, I mean in general. There is nothing else wrong. I won't put it all into writing, dh is truly wonderful...there is just something missing in my biochemistry.

 

Any natural suggestions?

 

Thanks,

 

V

[Elaine]

When I am not "in the mood" and I know my husband is, I just put on some lingerie. It does the leg work for me. He sees the lingerie and thinks that I am in the mood and he,uh...does certain...uh...things:eek: and it's not long before I get "that lovin' feelin'."

[melissel]

I need suggestions on how to normalize (amp up the level of) desire. And I don't mean in the moment, I mean in general. There is nothing else wrong. I won't put it all into writing, dh is truly wonderful...there is just something missing in my biochemistry.

 

Any natural suggestions?

 

Thanks,

 

V

 

Oh, my dear, if you find the answer, can you send it my way? I have the exact same problem. It's so difficult, isn't it? I'm working on a few other issues in my life right now, but that one's next *sigh*

[Michelle T]

Both DH and I are not exactly the "friskiest" couple in the bedroom :( . I'd love to do something to change that, but haven't found anything yet that works. The best thing to start with, at least in my experience, is to just pick a night per week that is "do it" night. And then "do it", even if you aren't in the mood to start with. Almost every time, once things get underway, the interest will be there.

MichelleT

[Peek a Boo]

oh man....

 

see my avatar?

 

well, one thing that I've heard [and practiced anyway] is to make sure you dress seductively during the day. It's hard to resist a guy that Wants You, lol. Give him a reason to want you Then and There. Wear clothes that are form fitting, revealing, or um, "easily accessible". And you don't have to dress like a hooker to get the effect lol. A layered shirt -over-tank top can do it...and let the layered top shirt slip down when he's around.

Don't wear underwear, and tell him you're not. Or wear something sexy underneath, and tell him you are.

 

make up can do the trick too. Yeah, most guys are happy if you show up, made up or not. But it's fun to unwrap a package, lol. I don't usually wear a lot of eye makeup, but when I had all that eye makeup on for the catwoman costume, dh Noticed. i still can't bring myself to wear that much w/o the mask, but I am trying to wear a bit more than I used to. Baby steps!

 

and you know what??? even if you DON't have a perfect figure, most guys DON't care -- they just want to see that YOU do care.

 

In the same way we train children to say please and thank you even when they don't mean it, so also can we do things that might not "feel" comfortable [for now] if they will lead to something that does ;) Kinda like Elaine's idea --let the clothes do the communication for you.

 

Or take a belly dancing class! I went to a belly dancing class w/ a friend on a guest invitation. I am soooo not a dancing kinda gal [believe it or not, i am very self-conscious about people watching me move my body :eek:], but she was recounting a time that she was practicing a few basic moves while her dh was reading in bed. She commented "I don't think I'm really doing this right" and he said --"whatever it is, it looks great to me!!"

 

Of course, I tend to like the whole catwoman costume myself, lol. dh looks forward to Halloween :D My little Santa outfit works too.

 

anyway....I know a lot of studies and marriage classes/workshops talk about the reasons behind affairs --usually the straying spouse was caught up in the attention that was lavished upon them. Attention they were not receiving from their spouse at home. Give attention, and give him a reason to give YOU attention.

 

If you don't normally touch him during the course of the day --do so. even something as simple as a rub on the shoulders or fingers thru the hair. A massage works too.

 

A book that i have NOT read but has been highly recommended by several christian friends is called "Sheet Music" --and it's NOT about musical notes, lol.

 

there's a lot of advice online via a google search too --not everything will be applicable to you, but you might pick up a practical tip or two here and there.

 

anyway, all this to just throw out things that have worked at home :)

 

Good luck!

[Peek a Boo]

oh, and all that to say, that if you're seeking something to take herbally, don't unless you've exhausted all the other uh, natural methods :)

 

I know there ARE herbal supplements that can enhance your mood [and other biological functions], but I've heard more success stories from gals that have changed their actions rather than their supplements.

 

But if it's an actual supplement you need, I'm not sure where to start, except w/ a google search :cool:

 

And if anyone wants to recommend something, you can always PM the gals instead of posting publicly if that's an issue ;) ...but I'll bet there are plenty that would appreciate the info.

[Karen sn]

Pregnancy does it for me. But after the baby is born, forget about it.

[PrairieAir]

Peek and Elaine are right. It's all about your mindset. You have to do things that get you thinking in that direction. We're often so busy with the little details of life and kids that we forget to take time to mentally prepare for time with our husbands.

 

We go through the day crossing items off our to do lists and when the kids are all finally in bed and we have some time alone, we're just ready to crash or veg out. It doesn't have as much to do with being actually tired or being uninterested as we sometimes think. If you don't start gearing up and getting ready early, if you save it for the last thing to check off your list, you won't get around to it.

 

To get the ball rolling, try the things that Peek and Elaine suggested. Peek's post I think is ideal because you're preparing in advance and that just gives more time and more anticipation which can really heighten the effect. Elaine's advice is a good save for when you haven't thought it out further ahead. You may feel a little awkward starting out (or not), but the more often you play this game with yourself, the more of a habit it becomes. Not only will you feel sexy, but you'll probably find that the effect bleeds over into other areas as well and that you are more confident in general.

 

Well, it works that way for me anyway;) I'm sitting here in a hotel room with dh and dd (gymnastics meet tomorrow), with Ben Stiller screaming at Atila the Hun next to me. I think I'd better get out of this thread before Miss Nosy pokes her little head over here to see what I'm doing.:o

[dangermom]

Are you on hormonal BC? Like I posted in the other thread, the Pill totally flattened me. It was a slow, gradual decline.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with much of what has already been said. I think it's mental more than anything. I think mentally and physically preparing is the biggest piece-like the anticipation you used to feel when preparing for a date.

 

The one other thing is that you not have everything on your plate. In my experience women who are more sexually charged have husbands who help around the house. My husband calls this "choreplay."

[Natalieclare]

Even though I take a shower in the mornings to get ready for the day, I still take a quick bath at night. I find that hopping myself into the tub gives me a few minutes to relax and unwind; then I feel ready for action! And even if I am not exactly in a fever pitch for that sweet man of mine, I move forward anyway. I don't wait to "feel the heat"; we can get cooking quite nicely though we may at times start with a cold oven. :D

 

Isn't it wonderful to give such a nice gift to somebody else and yourself with one act?:p

[~Tara~]

Oh it's definitely an all day affair :p

Basically, put it on your 'to-do' list for the day and prepare for it all day. Think 'happy thoughts', if you will. If you need to take a rest mid-day to be more 'able' that evening, do so. Do whatever it takes to prepare yourself. Think about pleasing your man. Think about this 'gift' God has given the married couple.

There's a safe site http://www.themarriagebed.com that has info on such things. How to rekindle that spark and various 'other' things. Shoot, sit down together and start reading through there..that's likely to spark things :p

 

I struggle in this area as well. It tends to be one of those things I could live without, ya know? Except during those fertile periods which has resulted in...going on 6 kids now :p God's design is amazing isn't it? LOL

[Tammy]

nt

[Doran]

Hey Valerie,

 

I don't want to get too verbose (I'm good at that), but fair warning -- I could discuss this topic all day! That said, I do want to let you know that I have been and can still be where you are. I posted about it once on the old boards -- basically poured out my ever-lovin' soul along with a few internal organs in that post! -- and got some wonderful replies. When I read Jennifer's post last night I smiled inwardly knowing that there are others of us who would give our adenoids to have what she has...not to mention that our husbands would probably be into some tutoring, or bartering, or something (anything!):eek: .

 

No matter how I slice it up, I'm just not that person. I may have been at one time, but no more. Don't get me wrong -- I can be sexy. And, I'm not shy in the bedroom. I can wear form fitting clothes. I can go commando. I can imagine all kinds of evocative scenarios all darn day, but none of that does for me what it does for some women.

 

Now, match that with the fact that my dh is about the friskiest being I've ever met. I've had other women tell me that he "exudes s*xuality". I was not offended by their remarks because it's true..he does! From what I know of him and his past, he's always been this way. I tell you that only to clarify the vast chasm that has, at times, loomed between us in terms of desire. If we've had a recurring issue in our marriage, it has been this one. We have grappled, and wrestled (not in a good way!) and fought and cried over how to come to terms with our differences. It was worst when the children were younger because their neediness translated to my utter exhaustion every day. To boot, I simply didn't want any additional bodily contact because my children had sucked it out of me. In fact, what I needed was a day where nobody touched me AT ALL. But, I never, ever got that. The less available I became, physically, to my dh,the more physically "attracted" he became. A classic case of wanting what he couldn't have.

 

We celebrated 17 years together just one week ago today, and I am thrilled to tell you that we've reached a place of accord on this. I haven't changed completely into a cat-suit wearing hot mama. ;) And, he's not any less likely to try to be...um...compelling...than he was. What's happened is we're trying a little harder to meet each other in the middle (well, I guess that's obvious, but you know what I really mean, yes?).

 

Kudos to Natalieclaire who said she's done a lot of cooking by starting with a cold oven! That, I have to say, would be what's saved us as well. For dh's part, he's willing to take the steps to preheat things. The times when I have Jennifer's (Peek's, Mungo's, you name them!) zest are few and far between. Yes, my dh would love it, does love it, on the rare occasions when it occurs. But, for all those other times, the man has learned how to turn on the danged oven! My part is to make sure I'm willing to let him near the kitchen.

 

I can't tell you how many times I stifled the mere suggestion of romance with my poor, tired, unzesty brain saying, "Oh, good grief, not now!" So, what I've had to learn to do is to just try. A pre-chosen night took all the fun out of it for us. And, invariably, it would be that night on which a kid would vomit, or some other catastrophe would preempt our plan. But, this other -- this agreement that I have with myself, and with dh -- to not shut it down out of habit...to remind myself that I can sleep another time....to allow my husband to work his, uh, culinary magic....that's what's helped us to create some incredible meals over here!

 

The next thing I want to try (suggestions, ladies and gents?) is well chosen readings. There's something about a steamy scene in a novel that can fire me up like nothing else. And, I'm not talking p*orn or er*tica...I'm talking that scene in Prodigal Summer (Kingsolver) where she finally sacks her nature man....that kind of steam. :D Maybe you could consider that as well. If I get good suggestions (PM people!), I'll happily pass them along.

 

Right. So now I have to go back to feeling slightly embarrassed by the frankness of all this and hope that the negative rep doesn't start flinging in my direction for anything I might have put down here that someone might find offensive.

 

I'll stop now.

 

Doran

[Halftime Hope]

I loved the baking/oven analogy--you all are such a hoot!

 

I'll have to see if the "thinking/planning for it" helps. :)

 

Val

[Wundermom]

I would definitely say the the more often you do it, the more often you want to. Make it a point to never turn him down, and gradually you will be the one seeking *him* out. You have to put a mental stop to the "ugh, not now" thoughts. Retrain your brain to think positively...to realize what a lucky woman you are to have a husband who desires her!

[JennifersLost]

I have far from figured it out, either. When it's there...it's THERE! When it's not, it's...um....really not.

 

I'm going to keep touting Chaste Berry because I feel that it actually gets your whole "cycle" in order. I've been having bouts of peri-menopause and went through months last year in which I'm pretty darn positive I wasn't ovulating at all. That made life very difficult for me. You have to take Chaste Berry daily for 2 - 3 months for it to kick in and start working. I've never had any side effects with it and I'd recommend it to anyone.

 

So, my list is:

 

1. Get your cycle in order if it's not. That really helps.

 

2. Make sure you are getting time alone EVERY day. Take long soaks, write in your journal, pray, meditate, read - whatever is your bag.

 

3. Get exercise! I'm way more likely to be in the mood after a good aerobics class or playing hockey or whatever. Do something that gets your heart rate way up and makes you sweat!

 

4. Have some fun! I think when we go around feeling guilty about the fun things in life like calling up a friend just to chat, going out for lunch, catching a movie, going to a club, etc., we shut down in more ways than one.

 

5. Don't just dress up for the night - try dressing up for YOURSELF during the day. If you're at home in your sweats, try putting on "office clothes" and catching lunch with a friend as if you were a high-powered executive. Or wear something pretty, young, and fetching and try to remember what it felt like when you were single back in college and your time was your own.

 

6. I think Doran's right about reading, too, and I agree with her. We should put together a list of great romantic reads.

 

7. Like everyone else said - just decide to do it. It's hard to change your mindset and it's hard to "get going" sometimes, but how often do you regret it once you do?

 

8. And realize that as you get older your body may not provide what you need for sex to be comfortable. If that's the case, you'll be less likely to want it the next time. Get some l*bricant, and if it really gets bad, use replens several times a week.

[Rachel]

This is something I have recently struggled with and have posted about over on The Marriage Bed (a site I heartily recommend)

 

As a wife who has spent years "denying" her husband........I personally felt convicted and have done a 180.

 

The things that have helped me make this change are a couple of books, a website and a few suggestions

Books

Every Woman's Battle

Intimate Issues

Sheet Music

 

Website

Every Woman's Battle

The Marriage Bed (fantastic site.......you can see my story under the category creative s*x ideas and the thread "DW trying to make up for years of neglect"

 

Suggestions

I think about s*x every day........sometimes I force myself.......but if I do that throughout the day it works....by the time nighttime hits I've readied myself

I touch my husband.......nons*xual touch........a kiss, a pat, a rub on the shoulder........we didn't do that before, but just this adds a level of desire for me

I keep myself "prepared"........legs shaved, I wear nice panties all the time, showered, cute pjs........it is amazin how your attitude changes when you know you look the part.......I'm overweight with stretch marks so it isn't about body image......its about FEELING s*xy.......it affects your mind