luuknam
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Posts posted by luuknam
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At one point, I was saying that one can understand being so frustrated that one feels like punching someone or something, without condoning the actual physical act. My friend said that saying you understand that anger or frustration equates to condoning following up with violence.
I have to disagree with your friend and agree with you. There are a lot of things I've felt like doing that I haven't done and would not condone. But, I can understand where people who do those things are coming from. And I think that if you were talking with someone who actually does those things, you're going to have more luck if you're coming from a "I know how you feel, I feel that way too at times" kind of perspective, than if you say "Wow, I never feel that way, what's wrong with you?".
For example, suppose you have another friend who actually is prone to punching things or people when mad. I think it would be more useful to hear something like "I get so mad too at times that I want to punch things/people, but I do x instead", than to hear another friend say "I've never felt that way and punching is wrong". Even more useful might be to hear from someone who used to punch but has stopped that habit.
It can also feel very lonely if everybody says that they have never felt a certain way and you must be a bad, evil person for feeling a certain way. That doesn't help; it just tends to make you feel worse and feeling worse makes it more likely you'll do things you shouldn't do.
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I have two boys and I like having two boys.
I didn't care in the end, but what I secretly did not want was one of each. Maybe I'm odd, but that worried me.
I don't really care, but if we were ever to adopt a kid, I'd want a boy, preferably in between C's and B's age. Whereas my wife wants a girl. We agree we don't want to deal with pregnancy and the toddler years again (plus, I'd like for my kids to move out before I'm *old*, and a new baby would add years to my life sentence), so we're *done* having babies of our own. With 2 boys though, I think adopting a boy that's roughly the same age as my boys would make more sense than adopting a girl that's roughly the same age. That said, not sure that's ever going to happen. My two are a handful!
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"It's a secret." - in reply to any question I might ask related to a book C is reading/just finished reading.
Any sentence starting with "Don't you know". That one is banned at our house now.
On the upside, they say cute things too. B recently has been saying the flowers are 'blooping'. :)
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Unfortunately it appears that calling may only make things worse, because it doesn't appear that their state considers anything abuse if there aren't serious marks and/or physical damage. I was able to pull this up on the city/state's child protective services' website; it is their definition of abuse or neglect:
PHYSICAL ABUSE IS INJURY TO A CHILD UNDER AGE 18 BY AN ADULT WHICH RESULTS IN BRUISES, WELTS, FRACTURES, BURNS, CUTS OR INTERNAL INJURIES. • NEGLECT IS THE FAILURE OF THE PARENT OR CARETAKER TO SEE THAT A CHILD IS ADEQUATELY SUPERVISED, FED, CLOTHED OR HOUSED. • SEXUAL ABUSE OCCURS WHEN A PARENT OR OTHER ADULT USES A CHILD UNDER AGE 18 FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.
Again, you can try to call and talk about the situation without telling them who you're talking about. They may have suggestions. I don't know. I'm having a hard time believing that hitting kids with a belt will not leave bruises or w/e. I mean, maybe not every time, but surely some times it would. Not sure how you'd catch that if they decide when the kids go see grandma or whomever else.
I guess on the positive side, whatever state they'll be moving to might be more liberal in their definition of abuse?
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My first & middle name together are the opposite of a portmanteau. I was named after a friend of my parents. Although my first name happens to be my paternal grandmother's middle name, which apparently both my parents weren't aware of/didn't think of, so she thought I was named after her. They had me go by my middle name since birth though, before they even knew about grandma's middle name (my first name is quite old-fashioned).
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I had to have a bit of conversation with my kids about soft words just this week. They have some really good friends whouse parents are super strict, like I was raised. Soft words and phrases are really offensive to them and even the kids will get really upset with my kids.
This past week my boys used the phrase "i hate you" while gaming online and being sniped. The kid was truly upset and logged off, not logging back on till they apologized. The way they used the phrase was in a kidding attitude. I just told them that they should respect their friend and try not to intentionally use phrases to irritate them. However, I think friend is old enough to understand others don't hold to same beliefs on words as innocent as the word hate or shut up.
I told them they need to stop apologizing till he comes back online. That implicates they are doing wrong.
I don't think 'hate' is an innocent word, especially when directed at people (rather than, say, Brussel sprouts). I also think that when you're writing stuff in instant messaging in a game it may come across quite differently than if you say something to someone's face. But hey, if your kids want to lose friends over saying "I hate you" in a joking way, then that's up to them.
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I should hope so bc there are not near enough words beeped on TV imo.
I don't remember anything* being beeped on TV when I was a kid/teen (in NL). I guess that's similar to the UK someone mentioned earlier. To be honest, I think beeping stuff on TV just draws more attention to the swear words - everyone will have them pop in their head anyway, although sometimes you might have more than one pop up if you're unsure which one was supposed to be beeped out ("was that beep supposed.to be the f-word or the s-word?"). Whereas if it hadn't been beeped out I probably wouldn't give most of them a second thought.
*The exception being MTV, which didn't do cuss-words during the hours that it was MTV Europe, but did do them during MTV NL hours, or MTV UK hours, or evening hours. Or something along those lines (I may have the details wrong). Was kind of weird hearing sanitized versions of songs sometimes and not other times. The Dutch music channel would play the original songs 24/7, never the sanitized versions. I think that often the lyrics of the songs are more bothersome than any cuss-words in them. I'd rather that my kids swear like sailors than sing stuff like "Whistle" by Flo Rida. Not that I think it'd be the end of the world if they were to sing that... but I'd find it more cringe-worthy.
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I haven't read all the responses, but I'll make an analogy.
You may allow your children to jump on the furniture at your house. If they come to mine, I don't allow that. I will correct them and explain that we don't jump on the furniture at my house. Problem solved, most kids understand the rules can change from one location to another. Behavior that is allowed at the local park is different than the behavior that is allowed in a nice restaurant.
Is language different than behavior?
I, personally, will not use language that I know will offend another. If I find out that a word or phrase bothers them, I will not use it. One family bans the word "stupid". So, I try not to use it around them.
No, language is not different from behavior (language is a form of behavior). But, if someone gets offended by, say, using the wrong fork for food at their house, then maybe things just aren't going to work out between us.
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My son would argue me right to the Supreme Court if I tried to explain why we can say words in one environment but not another. Not worth it to me. It's either totally fine or totally not fine. I do have really little ones, though, and I don't think it's adorable for a 3 year old to say things like "crappy" so I try to keep that out of our vocab.
I don't think swear words are meant to be adorable, at any age. I don't really see why some people think it's okay for 8yos to use them but not okay for 3yos.
That said, for kids under 1 pretty much anything they say is adorable. Even 'godda' and 'dafuh' are cute in an 11mo in a OMG WTF no-way! kind of way. And make for funnier "what was your baby's first word" kind of conversations, ahem. Although I'm pretty sure that C's first word had something to do with his bottle. My wife maintains that 'dafuh' and 'godda' were his first words though. Leaving an unmedicated bipolar* around a baby definitely gives them exposure to a broad range of vocabulary...
*My wife, and she's medicated now. Sometimes you've just got to laugh at things.
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I think I grabbed them on day 2 of my first period, just before my 13th birthday. My mom had thought maxipads would be more comfortable for a teen, but since I used to sit on the couch kind of like that little mermaid statue on a rock in Copenhagen I felt very worried about leakage. The first few periods I used both maxipads and tampons while I figured out how often to change them.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I'll bring them up wth my dr. I thought it might just be 10 years of exhaustion catching up with me, but it seems like I should feel better now, not much worse...I'm 41, so maybe perimenopause is a possibility. I don't feel sad, just tired, so I didn't think depression.
Depression often doesn't feel like sadness - often more of an emptiness, or a lack of being able to enjoy things. Of course, I don't know if that applies. I was just throwing a couple of ideas out there. Here are a couple of checklists (there are a million different checklists online). You don't need all the symptoms to be depressed. Hopefully it's something more trivial though, like a vitamin D deficiency. Regardless of whatever the problem is, I'd try lots of self-care; eating healthily, getting some sunlight every day and a little bit of exercise (just a walk with or without the kids will do). :grouphug:
http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/Depression/PDFs/PPDChecklist.pdf
http://sites.stfx.ca/counseling/sites/sites.stfx.ca.counseling/files/DepressionScale.pdf
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Vitamin D levels? Mild depression?
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I always keep airflow around my netbook by using a chill pad. I think overheating kills a lot of laptops.
The problem with that is that it makes the laptop less portable, as you'd have to lug around a chill pad (I'd never heard of chill pads before, fwiw). The only time I've had a laptop (an Apple) overheat though was that one I described above - I put it down on the mattress in a room that was over 100F, against the comforter at that, so it couldn't breathe *at all*. Just having laptops on my desk or on my lap has never been a problem.
One of the problems with the HP was that within about 1.5 years some of the keys on the keyboard stopped working so well, which is way too soon. Then C also discovered that he could peel the keys off the laptop, so I went through the puzzle of putting them on there again a few times, which did not help the problem of keys not working so well either. There was one other issue that also developed within 2 years, but I don't remember what it was. My patience just was up with HP, since I also had the lemons with problems with the BIOS right out of the box. I'll see in 5 years or so if they've improved their act, if I'm in the market for a new laptop then (as in, they won't be an automatic no). Right now they're having a "time-out". Anyway, wanted to mention that for people with young kids - you may want to get a keyboard where you can't easily pop off the keys.
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I'm sorry, I didn't read the whole thing, but I wasn't trying to make it personal. Which is the point: Whatever the reasons a mother might do this, the other parents wouldn't know those reasons and would naturally make a few assumptions.
Yeah, well, you know what they say about people who assume, right?
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If I'm being totally honest, "What the eff are you doing," hollered across the children's playground, would make me wonder why the mother couldn't get off her behind and go speak to her child instead of being so lazy as to have no tools other than shrieking profanity in front of preschoolers. I mean seriously. If little Johnny needs to be shrieked at, in order to save his life before he falls or something, just call his name as you are running toward him.
Er, since you're obviously referring to me, I would like to state that I don't just lazily sit on a bench at the playground yelling obscenities at my kids.
I have two kids. They're 4.5yo and almost 8yo. That means they're too old to hover over full time (seriously, kids need a little bit of space, so long as it's within a relatively safe environment), but even if I were hovering over one, the other one might be on the other side of the playground. My oldest has an ASD and will rarely listen to his name the first time, no matter how loud it's yelled - it may take yelling his name 2, 3 or even more times. Also, who says it's about saving *his* life? "What the f*ck are you doing?!" situations often involve some other kid, who is often younger. One could argue that it's not my problem if someone else lets their 2 or 3yo climb up tall slides at the same time when my 7yo is also playing on those slides, but I prefer if the toddler survives unscathed - easier for everyone involved. And most of the time, it's fine when much younger kids are playing on the same playground equipment (usually rated 5-12yo) as my kids - my kids are pretty good, in general. But if I see one of my kids doing something stupid that puts another kid at risk, they get yelled at, sometimes with obscenities, while I run over to the problem. If you want to call that lazy, fine. My oldest is almost 8 - maybe I should try the lazy gig and just send him to the playground without me.
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ETA: the only thing that state's laws dictate is "no marks," and "no permanent damage."
Does it specify no permanent *physical* damage? Because psychological damage could be permanent. Harder to argue that one though.
I'd consider calling CPS in that state, describing the scenario (without saying who it's about) and asking what if anything can be done. They may have some sort of suggestions. If they think that they do have the ability to interfere, you could tell them who it's about then, if you want.
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I AM SO OFFENDED RIGHT NOW.
(But only because you didn't offer me any chocolate.)
Go fudge yourself then! ;)
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I would use the word "growly" if I burned my finger, if someone cut me off in traffic, etc. -- when many people would use swear words. What he pointed out to me is that in my attitude I was still swearing, just using a homemade "swear" word.
:iagree:
Of course, the difference is that I don't think there is a problem with swearing every once in a while, like if you burn your finger. I do find it annoying if people use swear words in every sentence. Then it seems like it's just done to tick people off. I'm not a big fan of ticking people off just for the sake of ticking them off. People who get upset at *others* for using swear words but use soft swear words all the time themselves seem a little hypocritical to me. It's one thing to choose to only use soft swear words; it's another to get annoyed at others (and lecturing them) for not making that same choice.
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We got into quite a interesting discussion once when one of my children said "I hate" something. I believe it was some sort of food or movie.
I think some people seriously overuse the word 'hate'. I've told C at least a couple of times that he wasn't allowed to say "I hate x" anymore (with x being something specific). Saying "I hate x" can come across as a very bad attitude (and yes, I'm aware swearing can come across as a bad attitude as well, and if my kids are overusing swear words they get a talk about that as well). It's subjective, but I don't like people throwing "I hate" around casually.
ETA: I wouldn't correct other people's kids' vocabulary if their parents are right there. However, if their parents are not right there, I might act in loco parentis and say something if the kids go way overboard and every other word is a swear word or hate. Like "guys, there are times that swearing is okay, but you're overdoing it".
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Well, fudge. "Crappy" and "sucks" are swear words? I must live on a different planet. I guess I'm crasser than I thought.
I'm going to guess 'fudge' is probably on the no-no list as well, fyi.
Personally, I think the other person would be SOL. I don't think I could filter out those words if I wanted to. I'm usually pretty good at leaving out the f-word and the like if I feel there's a need*, but every word that is remotely offensive? No.
*Not that often. If one of my kids is acting up at the playground they can get a "what the **** are you doing?!" yelled at them (depending on my mood), from the other end of the playground. But at something like homeschool swim & gym at the Y, I try not to do that. For one, pretty much everyone in homeschool swim&gym is religious and most of them seem like the type of people who'd have a problem with that, and two, it's in a program, not just wherever. I also try to not swear in C's school. Playgrounds, grocery stores, etc are fair game though.
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I really want to get this, but I'm afraid my kids will fight over it. My dining room would turn into a WWE wrestling ring over who gets to build it. :001_unsure: I wonder if the projects can be taken apart and put back together or used multiple times... I like the way they include "blueprints". Very cool!
I just checked, and they say many (but not all) of the crates have enough materials for 2 kids. I thought you could add more materials for about $10 per month, but that's apparently only for the Kiwi Crate.
I've never seen a crate in person. I suggested the Kiwi Crates when my MIL asked for xmas present ideas (she gave me a price range to work with), but she ditched it saying she thought those were too easy for my kids (WTF? as if I don't know my own kids).
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10 Commandments of Homeschooling
I know! Thou shalt not kill your kids/students! (okay, that's just one, but a pretty important one if you want to *stay* a homeschooler)
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I had to buy a laptop quickly because my 3 yr old one broke (literally. The parts where screen joins keyboard wore out and smoke came out.). DH gets one but it does not have a dvd/cd port, which we of course need for foreign language lessons.
You can buy an external CD drive that you hook up to the laptop with a cable. That's what I use, since I don't buy laptops over about 13", so it's easier to find ones without a CD drive.
HP is currently about halfway through a decade-long "will not even consider buying" period from me because I got a lemon, returned it to the store, got another lemon, and then the final one had other issues (but only after a couple of years). So, I get it. Sometimes you just have shitty luck. Although not having a CD-drive isn't related to luck though.
The Apple laptop I had forever ago was okay until I had smoke come out of it (something to do with leaving it on a mattress in a room that was over 100 degrees - my bad). My current Lenovo ThinkPad is okay too, and sturdy - nice with little kids.
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Oh, and I NEEEEED a Tardis Potty. Can #10 be the bathroom attendant?
I'm sure you can get that, if you pay enough.
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Anyone following the Schwandt family? Her due date is today.
in The Chat Board
Posted
Yeah. I just wish my boys would get that memo. They can be quite whiney and melodramatic.