Yay, glad others see the fun! You can use it so long as you call it Moonhawk's Opening Celebration to Christmas Merriment Event & Gifts™. jkjk, lol, but really we need to settle on a name! One vote so far for Starting Santa-bration. Any other votes, or ideas? Santa Swag Soiree?

So, does anyone do a mini gift thing at the start of the holidays, so that way holiday-themed gifts can be used the entire season, not just for a few days after Christmas before they feel like they need to be put away? (Not that you can't use reindeer socks in February, but they are more relevant in December is all) Some of the things I want to get family this year are things I want them to start using asap. Like, holiday hot chocolate cups, warmer pajamas, warmer sheets, etc. But, I want to wrap and have a fun time with it, not as things that just randomly show up in the house. My idea is to have a little party thing on the Saturday/Sunday after Thanksgiving, where they get to unwrap these gifts. Maybe in conjunction with house decoration, holiday movie, etc. Just a fun way to start off the season, and get these things into circulation. It goes a bit against the idea of Advent, but I want to at least try it out this year and see if it's tradition-worthy or just a fun one-time memory. What should I call this? I love cute names for things, lol, but have been drawing a blank. "Starting Santa-bration"? "Christmas Commencement"? "Advent Event"? Is this already a thing that has a name, like I found out about the switch witch for Halloween?

Okay, so if you are hosting: can you plan a few table games (like, games during Christmas dinner) where everyone has a clue taped under their chair, or "pick a number", or "tell a story", where the prizes are the presents you would have given them? That way you can still give them gifts that are well thought out to mostly the right person (unless BIL is some type of game genius and gets them all, lol, but you can do 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc). We play table games during all holiday meals, and our prizes are more generic so we don't need to make sure a certain person gets them, but with a little tweaking I'm sure you could make it work. Or they could exchange later if they like. Otherwise, I would start doing random gifts throughout the year, if you need to gift. The holidays may just be too fraught with other connotations to really compromise around. I'm a gifts person through and through: giving, receiving, more receiving... I cannot go into politics because I am so completely bribable. lol I understand it is hard to want to express my feelings this way when it is obviously not how the person will "receive" the gift. Because they aren't receiving love, they are receiving clutter (to my person). So, I only buy them things that are functional, but I still have to adjust my actions to meet their needs. My love language of gifts isn't about me, it's about them, otherwise I'm not expressing love. IDK if that makes sense.

edit: *Rethinking.*

Can you take a middle ground, where you aren't in the room -- since it's sibling only -- but you're outside the door or in the yard or something, so that if the conversation turns to duties and caretaking specifics, your DH can say, "I can't speak for Saraha, let's bring her in." If they reply, "This is sibling only": he needs to then say, "Then we can't discuss what anyone outside the room can or should do." If they reply, "But my spouse isn't here, it wouldn't be fair": he can say that they can be put on speakerphone or drive over (if it's like a 15 minute drive or something short), or schedule another meeting If they reply, "She doesn't need to be a part of these decisions": he needs to say, "Then she won't be a part of any of the solutions." This way your DH gets what he wants (to handle them himself) but doesn't have to even give the appearance of agreeing to something by saying, "I'll check with Saraha". They WANT to get him to say something that could plausibly be taken as an agreement. Just take that option away by cutting it off at the head. If they want you to agree to something, or have him run something by you, they can do it in realtime instead.

"Thanks John, yeah, come on in and go 'head and shut the door behind you." "Sure. What's up, boss?" "Well, John, I just wanted to check in with you about some expenses recently." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, there's been a few repeat purchases recently. At first I thought maybe they were replacements, but I don't see any refunds on the account." "That's weird, no, I can't think of anything like that recently." "Okay, so, here's one, a silicone keyboard cover. It looks like you've expensed 4 of these in the last 6 weeks." "Oh, yeah, a bit embarrassing. I was tired of getting crumbs into the keyboard so got one. Good thing too, the next day I spilled coffee on my desk. Would have ruined the keyboard, but it only hit the cover." "So you had to replace it?" "Oh the coffee completely melted it, definitely needed to replace it." "Another 3 times?" "I've been getting clumsy with the coffee." "...Right. Okay. Well, here's another one: Ergonomic Aluminum Laptop stand. Is there a reason you've needed 3 of these in the past 2 weeks?" "Oh the laptop stands are great." "Is there a reason you need more than one?" "Well they're one time use only." "...The *aluminum* laptop stand can only be used once?" "Right. Like how an aluminum can is only one use. Great for molding to your workspace when you're working offsite but only holds up so long." "Can we get you a more permanent option instead?" "Oh, no thanks, I'm good." "..." "Anything else, boss?" "That's it for now, John, thanks for touching base. Let's followup next week though, maybe we can get you a coffee mug with a lid or something."

Quick update on job search: I've been going to interviews. So far all have gone well, some places I'm on 3rd interview round so it seems I have prospects. Even if none of these work I feel validated that I'm being taken seriously. All the jobs I've applied to are 2-4 hours away. I'm starting to apply to more remote positions now, we will see what happens. And I have so much to do with DH's business I really am hoping I don't find a job for at least another 6-8 weeks, so I can get ahead of this stuff. *In Other News* I accidentally went to the employment page for my old org (autofilled on my internet browser bar when I meant to select something else). Guess what! So the front desk position is not posted, BUT the Second Position is!! SO, Idk what's going on, but it LOOKS LIKE the person they hired backed out. They were supposed to start this coming Monday. The position was posted this past Tuesday. I admit I may have laughed when I saw that. I'm going to reach out to some people next week and see if I can get the scoop. DH asked if I intend to apply for it. I said no; if they wanted me to know about it, or wanted me to apply, they could also reach out to me. But I would only consider an offer, not an invitation: I'm not interested in going through the whole song and dance again, just to be rejected again, lol. Anyway, wanted to share that little tidbit along with the job hunt progress.

So it's done. Yesterday was last day. I did end up speeding up and trying to get as many notes written out. They weren't full procedures, but basic guides and notes about main contacts for certain things (my previous experience includes making training materials, though, so they are pretty good still). I think I got 10 or 12 finished out of probably 20-25 they needed, I hadn't realized how much the role had expanded. A lot of my personalized tools like spreadsheets are on the share drive but no instructions how to use or the quirks they need to know. They're screwed, lol. Monday-Tuesday I was also training someone to cover for me. They were over from a different dept, I guess they are having some issues there (personality clashes?) so on Monday she was introducing herself to people as, "New to the department" and told me that this move "Might work out for the best!". By Tuesday she was introducing herself as "Just on loan from X Dept for a few weeks" and told me it was so different from what she's done in the past, she wasn't sure she'd want to stick around. We'll see what she decides to do; it might be a modest pay bump for her, and she used to work under Big Boss, so that may sway her over. Frankly I'm very concerned because not only did I not have the chance to really train her, but she's coming to this with completely different experience despite 20 years with the organization and there are so many random gaps I never even thought I'd have to show someone. Like, she'd never used our calendar system?! How to make a calendar item?! How to accept a calendar item?! But she seems nice at least, hopefully she'll pick it up fast. Or escape soon, lol. I left a few things undone, eg, I realized this morning that I had a list of documents completed but not on the dept log (computer issue at the time of logging). So someone is going to have a heart attack in the next few weeks thinking some things weren't completed and probably redoing work. Oh well. Lots of people came by to say goodbye, which was nice, and got a few contacts to use for references. I wrote a few people a few cards. I didn't cry until end of day after I'd cleaned out my desk and turned in my keys. Boss and I both cried a bit. I didn't ask for a reference, I had intended to but the emotion short circuited my brain I guess. I'll have to approach him when I've got a good opportunity asking for references. I do have his cell and we agreed to keep in touch (basically, Star Wars memes and news about a shared interest.) Anyway, I have a couple interviews this week, today and tomorrow, and I've put out a few more resumes. My field can be slow to review/contact/hire, it's usually 3-4 weeks from sending in a resume before you'll get any contact, so I just have to chill. I'm not feeling the pressure yet and DH wants help on his business for a while anyway. So I'm still "working", leaving the house at the same time, etc., just going to a coffee shop. Thanks for all of the support and perspectives over the past months(!), it's gone very different than I originally wanted but it's probably the best outcome. Here's to being unemployed! lol

It went ok. I decided to keep it positive, they could read between the lines as they liked. They had me do a 4(!) page questionnaire. I kept it brief and professional, a few phrases of "unclear path for advancement", "moving goalposts of expectations both for duties and career possibilities", "expansion of duties without accurate compensation", "practical elimination of the position I accepted." Threw in some shout outs to other employees, highlighted the benefits package, emphasized how I had seen a future there and wish them the best. The lady took the stance of "oh yeah, staff reductions are tough and I know it wasn't what you came on board for, I completely understand your decision" type of stuff, and I just went with it. Nothing said in this meeting would change the past. If we end up staying in the area it's better to have more goodwill than not. May as well leave open the door here and anywhere else I may run into people down the line (in the geographic area, people move between a couple big players). Two more days of work then I'm done.

Going ok. I’m trying to keep it calm and just do what I can at a steady pace, but find sometimes I’m speeding up in an effort to finish it all. We will see what happens. I have my exit interview today, lol, and I’m trying to decide how I’m going to play it. It is HR only and the HR rep is the one who was on the hiring committee for the position, so I am tempted to be a little less professional about how that was all handled, but I’m already getting the last laugh by leaving so maybe that’s enough for me.

It went ok, a bit of a mixed bag. Wednesday morning Boss made a big effort early on to establish just our normal tone of working together. Big Boss, who I'd become a quasi-exec assistant for, didn't talk to me at all that day, which must have taken some effort lol. My emotions were still close to the surface, so I only told people who needed to know immediately. Thursday the news started to travel around and I started to tell people more earnestly. Everyone's been equal parts nice and disappointed. A lot of rolling eyes at Administration for how they handled it, cutting off their nose to spite their face. Boss and I talked about what he would like me to finish before I go, but he's very clear that he doesn't want to overwhelm me. And to just let him know what he can do to make it an easier end to closing up my desk. They are pulling someone from another dept (I've never met them) and they are supposed to be here the 12th-30th. I'll train them on basics for the phones and calendars and a few other things depending on how it goes. I'm glad that they found someone to help him out. I'm rolling my eyes that "there was nothing they could do" before I resigned. [Side note, a reliable source tells me HR didn't put in half the effort into the front desk search as they normally do. So, while I don't think that was Boss's intention/plan, I do think there was a vested interest in keeping me in that spot since it was easier for some people.] If anything Boss has been chattier and more at my desk for the rest of the week. It's like he's trying to fit in all of the random convos he can. His stress level is through the roof, though, I can feel it. This is really the worst time this could have gone down, in terms of workload, but he's been immediately available to any question I have; I try to keep it short, but he extends it into tangents. He's also giving me a lot of background info on how the field works, so I think there is a bit of trying to download his knowledge to me in case I continue in the field. I know I made the right decision. I don't always feel it. But that's just because I get along with my Boss so well. Then I think about staying in this position, knowing no upwards motion for 2-3 years, skills atrophying, answering phones all day, no raises, no training, and I instantly feel like vomiting. That's just untenable. I made the right decision. I only have 6 days left of work left. I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done that I want to. But I guess that won't be my problem.

Yeah, it’s just emotion, not regret. Honestly I’m sitting here working (doing a good job at it too btw) and I’m asking myself, “what part of this is worth crying about??” lol. Time to celebrate, DQ at lunch i think!

Sorry I didn’t detail earlier, spent the evening just processing the emotions. So the meeting got pushed to end of day. Boss had meeting with Big Boss at 4pm and he said he was going to get more info on the long term plans for the department which would give us more info for our talk, so he asked to wait until after that. It was supposed to be a 15-30 minute meeting, it went on for 45. Boss came up to my desk a little before 4:50. Went to the conference room. There was nothing more he could offer me, no room for negotiation. There is no hope for a 4th, the department is permanently moving to 3. I’m at the top of the pay scale without a transfer or promotion (which won’t be a possibility in the department now, obviously). Obviously then there was no other choice to make. I tried to negotiate anyway, I had nothing to lose and wanted to sincerely show I tried to make it work. We talked about training and how good the benefits are (they’re amazing honestly). We talked about the normal pay in the geographic area. We talked about lightening my load — ie, give all the parts i like about my job to the new person. We talked about how much we enjoy working together. I asked if there was anything at all I could do, or duties I could take on, to change the situation on title/pay, and he said no. By this point it was a little after 5. We went and locked up the front together, talked about little things like the chairs in the lobby. He went back to his desk when we were done, I signed the new resignation and gave to him. Unfortunately I Started to cry in the time it took for me to walk from the door of his office to his desk, lol, but I just said thanks and then got out of there. very surprised at how hard I’m taking it emotionally, so is DH. He thinks I’m crying more past 12 hours than I have with the last two pregnancies combined. I think I’m grieving what could have been, and also feeling bad for my boss and the position he will now be in. But I know I’m not really the one who put him there. And I feel relief and self respect for myself, even when I’m crying. Now got two weeks to see the fallout. Ballgown on, shades on, front row seat to explosion, lol. Taking bets on how fast they post a job opening.

Gave my two weeks notice. More details tonight.

Sorry guys, I'm almost embarrassed to post this. But it is what it is. Not the resolution I'd hoped for. Because it's not resolved. >( Long story short: We got interrupted towards the start of negotiation. I didn't like what he put down (uninspired title, uninspiring raise), but he was seeming receptive to my beginning kickoff into negotiations. The interruption could not be helped, was not contrived, and was emergency-level for both of us. (Not like a fire in the office, but time-sensitive and requiring both of us to help.) Tomorrow we have an all-morning multi-department meeting ending around noon or 1pm, so we will sit down and discuss final options then. In the moment it seemed like an acceptable/necessary delay but sitting at home now I'm just ticked about it all. DH is not impressed. And I have to waste ANOTHER piece of paper on ANOTHER resignation letter and I'm irrationally irritated by that.

I know it's not your point, but it sounds like it would have been so much better off if the teacher understood that Maine had an unusual subculture compared to other places with this word, and could see that her Texas student was intending respect. I mean, ??? (Mainers, my only knowledge of your area is Murder She Wrote. Doesn't the sheriff say "yes Ma'am" to Jessica Fletcher? Am I understanding him wrong? Did the show producers create a mockery of your state?)

The saga continues, lol. So, I read the room and changed the plan as I went along. Long story short, we talked 15 minutes: I said he is the best introduction to the field and I enjoy working with him. But my job has materially changed and the opportunities I came for are no longer here. I wasn't happy with how things turned out. And I had to make a decision to get me back in forward motion on my career. (and here I patted the file folder my resignation was in, on the table between us) He asked me if he could have the weekend to put together a proposal to keep me. I said I needed to make a decision by Monday. He thanked me for the heads up and opportunity and I said that I hoped it worked out. I took the folder back with me on my way out. It was 4:55 when I walked out of his office. So, not what I was planning on when I walked in, but I'm comfortable resigning on Monday if his offer isn't a 20+% raise and a new title, or if he won't accept my counteroffer of that. DH agrees the raise would be worth it, if it puts me on a similar pay as I would have been on with the promotion (and a title that I feel adds to my resume). But we are assuming it's not going to work and proceeding as if I'd already resigned (job hunting, looking at moving locations, etc).

Since this is the longest lunch break EVER in the history of man, here's more info about the decision process, lol. Factors considered for each main course of action: Time.(Right now it’s my most valuable resource) Energy Home life. Opportunity. Work load and duties Health and insurance. Short term finances Long term finances DH Business Career trajectory Other things discussed and factored but not formally compared. This included some stuff personal to DH and me. Not all factors agreed on one course of action. But the majority aligned, and the negatives of NOT going with the majority definitely outweighed the cautious track. Wellerman asks a good point of how I would have done things if the other job hadn’t been a factor. Originally I had set July as my no-more-front internal deadline, to coincide with my annual review and tell them there that we needed to find a different solution because I was done. And give them about a month to figure something out. So the interview and whole promotion factor has worked in their favor (surprise, lol) in terms of keeping me quiet and up front. Katilac's points about long view were also well taken; in short, though, I think trying to secure a new position before leaving this one will only extend the pain and close doors I may have been able to get if my full-time effort was put into the job search instead of a dead end position. And, frankly, I never would have applied to this position if it was up front. I never would have accepted it. I stayed up front with the intention that it was temporary — not because I was waiting for advancement, but because I was covering a position while already having a higher position. If they told me I didn’t get the Second position but they were posting an front desk opening this week so I could get back to what I was supposed to be doing, I’d be ticked but I’d honestly probably go along with it, sending out resumes but being picky. But they are permanently making me front desk. They are demoting me but telling me it’s ok because I’m paid the same. THAT is what has changed. I've been actively looking for ways to not burn bridges, hence all my thought experiments of saying different things. I don't think I've been fully understood when I talk about references: my goal is to be able to use my boss, and Big boss, as professional references. Not just the general call to verify I worked here, but as select persons listed to attest to my abilities, with their personal number. That's why I'm putting to much effort into making this transition work for them; I have a great working relationship with everyone in the office and I think they'd be happy to be references IF I handle this right. I want this personally, but also from a practical standpoint I didn't get the skills, training, or experience I was supposed to in this position, so the best thing I can carry forward are the references. Essentially, the strongest reason I found to stay was to help out my Boss. And that just isn't enough.

I have a resignation letter printed. Haven’t pulled the trigger yet, has been a bad day for the department, i.e. my boss. But he’s been in an exceptionally good mood all day, this is killing me. risk benefit Analysis shows leaving now to be best overall. Not quitting, but resigning. 10 main factors taken into account. Leaving later or waiting for new job first has some complications; i have a whole thing written i was going to post, but in the end I guess it doesn’t matter the reasons as much as the conclusion. DH agrees, which matters more than most factors. I am so sad.

I’m doing a full risk-benefit analysis on the 3 main options tonight. (iow, it’s not going to be an emotional decision. or purely emotional, anyway, lol) We have an acceptable level in the bank if I lost the job tomorrow. I don’t generally share my financial position with family and they probably have an impression that is a bit out of date. I am the main bread right now though so obviously there is risk involved whatever I do.

Ok guys, what am I missing here. Ive talked to my sisters and they are basically like, “well you still have a job, so at least you’re not being laid off.” And that I “can’t leave a job without a new one in line, that’s ridiculous, just put your pride aside and do what you gotta do for your family.” and maybe “they must like you to have you up front and the face of the organization!” and “just bring up that you hope to be considered for the next position that opens up! You need to give them a chance to figure things out!” and “go back in tomorrow, chin up! don’t look bitter or angry about it!” and “remember how excited you were for this job! and how good the benefits are! and you’re still getting paid the same!” So am I focusing too much on my anger? I don’t think so. But Maybe I should look harder at the get a new job before resigning.

The new hire is a woman, btw. We have separate sick and personal/vacation time banks. Both of mine are currently full. Sick time is forfeited with resignation and personal time cannot be used during the last two weeks of resignation, I checked the policy this morning. But my vacation time should be paid out in full. So I think financially we are okay for me to resign before anything else in place. I’ll check all the accounts tonight though to ensure I didn’t forget something or other. The birthday excuse is more for my sake than his really; I want an acceptable reason to pause and strategize this; plus a resignation on a Friday feels fitting. Considering a wombo-combo of starting off with asking for raise/promotion and then (assuming it’s a no since I’d say I’d need it in writing by Monday) switch* into giving my resignation.^ * I can give reasons (we are moving, i have an offer in hand, both of which are technically true since we will probably move since no job and DH wants me to help him with his business for a couple months, obviously I’d be vague on details) if it would help smooth feathers and allow me to use him as a reference. Or i can just let it be the assumed/real reason and just emphasize how much i have enjoyed working with him during my time here. ^ Could offer 2 weeks plus (paid) overtime since that’s the only possible way I could tie up 2/3 of my loose ends, we really have been overwhelmed. They don’t like overtime so I doubt they’d take me up on the offer, though they really, really should. Could also offer 3 weeks notice with the pre-approval of 2-3 sick days during those last weeks. Just thinking out loud. No decision yet. I’m not saying I’d offer all or any of the options I’m mentioning here, or all the info, just kinda going through the possibilities. I think I missed my window to rage quit and feel quite sad about that, lol. Though I guess I wouldn’t do it anyway even if it was an option still.

So, he told me that I did great on the interview, really great, but it came down to experience. The other candidate has 8 years of experience in the field and they decided that would be really helpful to the department. And apologized for the decision taking so long, it was just a really difficult decision to make. The new person starts October 4. I asked about their plans for front desk. He said in after the new person is settled in, maybe after a couple months, we can discuss as a team if we need a 4th person. There is currently a budget and an unfilled position on the official department roster still. But the earliest, earliest, they'd start to look for someone is November, and it would more likely be December/January. (And my inner voice says, "if they even do...") I said, "You know how I feel about front desk." He said yes. I repeated, "you know how I feel about front desk." He said yes. But that the new person would cover the front desk 3 hours/day -- 1 for my lunch, 2 for me to focus on other projects -- until we could get a fourth. I said, "you know how I feel about front desk." He didn't have an answer that time. I let it be quiet for a bit, then I told him I'd have to process the news about the front desk. He did say that he hoped this didn't turn me off from the field as a whole. That a lot of people do 1-2 years in the department, then leave, and some come back. That he did that himself, even. He sees that I would be successful as a Boss, or Second Boss. And he hopes that, if I like it, that I stick with it. That was the weirdest part of the convo, because it seemed like he was acknowledging I might leave? But everything else was about how it was going to work out and how I'm still a big part of the the vision for the department. And even if I wasn't as directly involved in decisions and planning like I would have been as Second (and how he discussed some of the plans in the 1:1 part of the interview) he still wants me to at least be listening on the conversations so I will be learning. And that once the new person is settled in, hopefully it would open us up to have more time for training, both going to trainings and me working with him/new person. I replied that with the two of us, we're both over capacity, and with a third we still may be, and I'd be surprised if it actually freed up any time for me to focus on that. He kinda agreed with that, saying something like yes it seems there's always more to do. [eta] I told him what got me in the door in the first place was the learning and opportunity for advancement. It wasn't the pay (and I made a laugh), it was the learning. And he knows how I feel about the front desk. He asked if I had any more questions, I said not for right now but I'll probably ambush him with more later. He said that wouldn't be a problem, whenever I needed anything I should just ask. Tomorrow is his birthday so I am holding off any decisions until Friday. So, next move. I am focusing on three main options for what to do. 1) Hand in 2 week notice on Friday, with or without an explanation that could potentially still allow me to get references from here. Boss and Big Boss would be amazing references, even in unrelated fields, their organization/titles carry weight. 2) Ask for a raise + different promotion. He said they have the budget for a 4th, and they aren't using it, and frankly I'm not convinced they will, so why not give more to me, with a shiny new title, as an incentive to stay? Sure I'd stay doing something I don't like up front, but I could be more picky about finding a next job and it will make my resume and bank account better during the hunt, at least. 3) Wait until I get a new job lined up, hand in 2 week notice then. Do so in a way to save reference possibility down the line. [eta 4) quit no notice. emotionally this is where I am at right now but I also realize that I am angry and it may not be the best choice, even if it would feel the most satisfying.] I don't know what I'll do yet, but I have 24 hours to decide. Obviously each choice has its own set of details and choices within it -- how aggressive to be, how conciliatory, how much explanation, etc, just depending on what I want to get out of it. I just need to figure out what is the best ending to this for me? Thank you everyone for your support. I haven't cried yet but it's also 4 hours past my bedtime and I'm afraid to go to bed because I know the emotions are going to hit once I am alone in the dark, and I'm already so exhausted and don't want to deal with it. But it will be ok.

Officially didn’t get it. Will update fully tonight. Just need to hold it together for now.

Tuesday, immediately after mine; I walked out, she walked in.