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fourartsymonkeys

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  1. We've actually talked about Mayo Clinic several weeks ago and he indicated if I could figure out the referral part and the money/insurance he is receptive to going. He isn't treatment resistant - just therapy resistant. And exercise resistant. And diet resistant. But he did give up caffeine and is trying to give up dairy (it makes his liver function tests sky high) so I do see signs of being willing to try things. Or at least I do when things are bad. When he is feeling a little better like he is at the moment he doesn't seem as open to treatment. And we get complacent and don't do things and then all of a sudden we are in crisis mode again. And I have a feeling once we have our talk about how I'm going to respect DD's boundaries and not force her to let him into her apartment, we will be back in crisis mode. I keep putting that conversation off and know I need to just get it over with.
  2. Please don’t quote as I will delete. Thank you Corraleno for the book suggestion. I added it to my Amazon account. You guys are costing me a lot of money. Ha! Actually, I’ve been able to find some of the books at my local library. I know my daughter plans to talk to a therapist eventually but I don’t know how receptive she’ll be to it immediately with all the other stresses of school starting. But given the intense stress she is feeling with that, she needs it now so…But I do think she will be willing to read the book. She is a psychology major and has been reading psychology textbooks for “fun†this summer. I really don’t think he is trying to manipulate us with his tears. Not consciously. But like several have said, it does have the same effect. The tears are genuine, that I don’t doubt. He is hurting bad. He says his nerves are shot – not just mentally but physically. I’m not sure what that means but his restless leg syndrome is worse than any of his doctors have seen. I’ll post a separate thread on that sometime asking for suggestions. I do think he needs to find a better group of doctors who can look at the whole picture, instead of this piece meal, just throw meds at him approach. I have a DS13, DS17, DD19, and DD7. The 7-year-old is happy, well balanced and not anxious. I’d like to keep it that way. :) The 13-year-old has issues but that is a whole other thread (and stuff that he was born with so not really caused by the problems with my husband but not really helped by it either.) I am sure I am safe. Like I’ve said, he is never physical with me and rarely even yells at me. He’s just sad, and anxious, in pain, and on edge. And so wrapped up in his own misery that he is selfish and doesn’t see how his actions affect us. And when he does, he gets more depressed and thinks he should leave or kill himself to spare us that. His mother, grandmother, sister, uncles, and cousins are all the same way so I’ve often wondered how much genetics versus learned behavior is involved in all of this. Probably a combination of both to some degree. But I do want a better future for my kids so I’m all on board with getting them whatever help they need. That is one reason I got into alternative health stuff several years ago. I saw how much it helped me and how eating right helped them. But they need therapy too. We all do. And a good therapist. I just hope I can find a good one. Not to knock the doctors around here but it is very hard to find one that does any more than the bare minimum, in any specialty. I’m sure they exist but are backed up. My sister’s husband is bipolar and went to the local hospital feeling suicidal (her family is open about their problems) They hooked him up with a therapist – three months wait time!
  3. No he does not control where I go on the internet. But he is strongly against me talking about his problems with anyone and since that includes a therapist I assume that means online too. He thinks people will sway me to think something I shouldn't. I can't see him doing something like locking me out of this site (he is in IT so he knows how but I can't see him doing that to me). What he would do is try to convince me why I shouldn't trust the things I read on here until the point where I'd probably believe him. He'd say that you guys are a bunch of homeschooling mom's like me so of course we think alike. (or something along those lines) I never intended to show my son this site, just tell him that I'd talk to others to help clear my head. It would hurt him too much to read this stuff. It hurts me. All I told him is that I won't be forcing DD to let DH into her apartment. DS started arguing and saying I was wrong. I said I've talked to people online because I needed another perspective and based on that I feel comfortable about the decision I am making. I did not tell him what led me to feel that way or what was said on here. But I wanted him to know that I wasn't just being swayed by his sister. I want him to know that I am making a logical, well thought out decision. He said I was betraying dad's trust by talking about this with anyone and that that was no different that DH betraying DD's trust by snooping in her bedroom. I said it that is his logic he really needs to talk to someone too but those two things are not comparable. I'm not posting about DH's health on Facebook. Or even talking to anyway I know. Which doesn't mean I don't respect his privacy. But I can't be alone on this. Interesting enough our talk ended with my DS saying that he had gotten into an argument with DH the other day about how he (DS) does not think DH should use force to see DD's apartment. He said DH did not agree and started crying and so DS dropped it. I suggested that he not talk about it with DH or DD anymore because it is not right for him or I to be caught in the middle of their problems. He agreed. I got to run but I know I have more to say. Thanks again for listening and giving me the gentle nudge I need to get the help we need.
  4. Thanks for the book suggestion Maize. I have that one and several others mentioned earlier in other posts in either my Amazon shopping cart or on hold at the library. My DD and I love to read. Him, not so much. But maybe he'd listen to audio.
  5. He has sleep apnea. I almost forgot about that one as it isn't one of his main complaints anymore. He has had a CPAP for 17 years. He also has hypothyroidism and takes levothyroxine. For the restless legs he takes ropinirole. He has been on that for about a year. The anxiety has been there his whole life, along with anger issues. The depression started getting bad around 6 years ago. He started antidepressants for anxiety around 17 years ago, prescribed by his family doctor. I can’t remember all the names as he was switched around so often but he went off those about a year ago because he felt like the restless leg meds were helping with the anxiety better than the antidepressants. About two years ago the restless legs went from being a nightly annoyance to a several hours a day, arm and leg experience. That is when he started the meds, which have been a life saver as far as finally getting to sleep at night but have side effects too and are starting to lose their effectiveness. I suggested he see a neurologist which he did but that guy didn’t do anything. He kept him on the same meds as the family doctor had him on and told him that it would only get worse and that it was probably magnified by his cerebral palsy. He ran blood tests for iron and magnesium. Those were normal. He didn’t check B12. I would suspect that he is Vitamin D deficient but I'm not sure if he has had that tested. I use alternative medicine to treat all my stuff. I turned to it when all else failed for migraines and I've gotten rid of those. I watch what I eat, take supplements, and try to exercise (but need to work more on that one!) He hasn't been so on board with that although he has been impressed with the success I have had. But he isn't self-disciplined enough to eat well. Food is his drug. (he doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs which is amazing considering the family he grew up in). He won't exercise although he talks about it now and then. I have bought all sorts of supplements for him and put it in the little plastic daily boxes but he rarely takes it. He always takes his prescription meds because he has immediate reactions if he doesn't but the alternative stuff doesn't have immediate results so he isn't good about taking it. And he can't take stuff at the same time as his restless leg meds because it always makes him nauseous and he sometimes throws up. But I should bring it up to him again that he should try to be more consistent about his vitamins. He gave up caffeine a few weeks ago so I see signs of him trying to help himself in that regard.
  6. Thanks again for all the replies. Feeling alone with this has been so hard and although I hate that this ultimatum was made by him maybe we had to hit that low for me to start seeing it for what it really is. (as in I wouldn't have posted and learned all this otherwise) He has put so much pressure on me the past several months to make her let him visit. Even my 17 yr DS has been telling me I need to make her. I need to talk to DS about this and let him know what I've read on here (but not tell DH that I've posted on here because I don't want to lose this support system somehow) I don't ever want DS to have the idea that that is an acceptable way to control someone he loves. I know he fears for his dad's well-being. They are fishing buddies and the only child my husband is really close to. The suicide replies just came in so that made me think of something. DS said to me recently "You know dad will kill himself if you ever leave him don't you?" And yes I think there is a decent chance he would. That isn't the only reason I stay but it is a contributing factor. He says I am the only person who has never abandoned him. Which isn't quite true - he has a sister he is close to and talks to regularly (and has had nasty, brutal fights with that are beyond anything he has ever had with us!) and he has a decent relationship with his dad - as in they make small talk and always get along but aren't close. He has been on the outs with his mom for 9 years, off and on before that. (parents divorced when he was 3). During one of especially his low times I looked at his google history and saw that he searched for ways to commit suicide. He also searched “using the threat of suicide as manipulation†so I don’t know if that means he feels suicidal when he is really down but then when it isn’t as bad he fears he is using it as manipulation? I don’t know. But I do think he sometimes feels very suicidal. For anxiety and depression reasons and because of the restless legs. His neurologist told him that his restless leg syndrome would only get worse as the years go by and that he has already tried all the drugs for it so all they can do now is cycle through them and hope that he doesn’t build up too much tolerance, which is already showing signs of happening. Some days the symptoms kick in around 1pm and lasts until he takes his pill in the evening, which knocks him out for the night and frequently makes him throw up. It also makes his ankles swell and he hurts so bad from that he can hardly walk in the morning. All in all he feels crappy, is cranky and angry about his problems, and is losing hope. He says if the restless leg meds stop working all together he will kill himself as he can’t stand living that way. He talks of finding another doctor to see if he can get better help for the legs. At the moment that is his biggest concern, but a month ago it was his anxiety. When he is stressed to the max and feeling suicidal he takes off in the car. That always scares me because I don’t know what is happening. He turns his phone off (and doesn’t allow me to have him on Find My Friends anyway). We don’t own guns or anything like that. He has his restless leg meds but I don’t know if he could overdose on that. I’ve thought of calling the cops on him when he has left in that state and have had the kids screaming at me to do so, but I don’t know what I’d tell the police without knowing where he is going. He usually just drives around for a couple hours and comes back feeling somewhat better. I’ve told him many times that if he is really serious about suicide we need to get him to the hospital. But then he backs down and says he made a promise to our son that he will never kill himself and he isn’t going to break that promise. He is home now. I'll respond more later.
  7. Please don’t quote as I will delete someday. When I started this thread I honestly thought I’d get a bunch of responses about how I need to stand up to my daughter, not spoil her, and push her through this anxiety with her dad for his sake. Because that is what I keep hearing from him and it all sounds so reasonable coming from him. But my gut said otherwise so I wanted a “third party†opinion. He said she needs to let him into her apartment so that she can see it isn’t so bad and move past the anxiety and that giving into her makes the anxiety worse. Yes, I can see how giving into anxiety can make it worse and it would be great if she could push through that and allow him to visit (and other friends and family) But it needs to be on her terms and something she pushes herself through, not by some sort of coercive force by us. I don’t think someone else can force through coercion someone to get past their anxieties, at least not in a healthy way. It is one thing to gently coax and offer support to someone afraid of flying to get onto an airplane. It is another thing to bound and gag them and drag them on or threaten not to speak to them if they don’t do it. I don’t want to enable her (I’ve seen my sister do that with her anxious daughter so I’m on guard against that). But my gut keeps telling me this is not enabling her, this is respecting her boundaries that she needs right now to process all the stress and anxiety she is feeling. I will not force her to allow her dad to visit. That is not my place to do so and protecting my relationship with her is on top of my priority list. I don’t even see how at this point he thinks that visit would go well. Does he really think that after all that drama it is going to be fun for all of us to hang out at her place? No. It will be awkward for all involved and basically just a short visit to get it over with - with no real healing of their relationship, just his own personal satisfaction that he finally got to see the place. And possibly more damage because she won’t see it as a welcomed visit. Reading all these comments helps me understand where the knot that has been growing in my stomach is coming from. Even though reading them sometimes makes me feel like I’m going to throw up and I don’t really consider myself to be an anxious person. (slightly - but very minor compared to so many others around me) I think I need to get over the idea that abuse is just about a person physically hurting someone or yelling disparaging words at them. He does neither of those. (with a few exceptions as noted in the previous post). But his mental health and personality swings affect all of us at home and I don’t think he realizes or understands how much. (or maybe he does but it is all too depressing for him to process) I keep thinking there is something wrong with me for feeling this way. I was deeply upset by his physical treatment of her when she was young. It was only a few times but each time I almost left for good. And yes if her boyfriend did any of that even once I'd expect her to be out of that relationship for good! But we talked, he changed (because he really does want to have a good relationship with us), and life moved on. But mostly he has avoided disciplining her because he can't trust himself to do so. I've tried to protect the kids from his mood swings but again that usually ends up with us all feeling like we are walking on eggshells around his fragile emotional state. Not because we fear he will hurt us physically but because we fear his deep depressive or anxious state and suicidal talk. I use to be able to stand up to him better but once the suicide talk and the crying started I've backed down and all the kids have picked up on that. I feel like he is a very broken person (for lack of a better word). He has mild cerebral palsy, an abusive past with his mother, depression, anxiety, and restless leg syndrome that is pretty much wrecking his life at the moment.) I feel for him and cry for him but I also have to protect myself and the kids. I haven’t had a chance to talk to my DD in person but I sent her a text last night letting her know that I love her and will always have her back. I told her I may gently push sometimes when I feel like her anxiety is taking over but never by force. Hopefully we can talk more soon. I’m going to encourage her to see a cognitive behavioral therapist. At the very least I hope to find one to see myself. I can’t be everyone’s therapist at home (DS’s have some anxiety issues too) without needing one myself! (which reminds me - last summer I started bawling in my gynecologist’s office when he asked me how I was doing. Needless to say, he gave me a brochure on mental health services. I left a message with the place but never called back when I saw how upset DH was with the idea of me going. Not sure why. I think he thinks they are going to poison my mind against him or something. His mom’s therapist gave her some bad advice when he was young – or at least that was her interpretation.)
  8. Please don’t quote as I will delete. I don’t post on here often (or hardly at all) but I’ve been a lurker for years and value all the insight and wisdom I have gained on this forum. I have no one IRL to talk to about this so I’m hoping to at least get this off my chest and maybe receive some good advice. I feel sick to my stomach over this. I am at a loss on what to do with my 19-year-old DD and DH. I agree and disagree with them both! They both have some pretty severe anxiety issues. Several years ago, depression hit my husband hard and we’ve had good times mixed with some very stressful times. That combined with my daughter’s anxiety has caused a rift to form between them. They haven’t argued in many, many years but she is quiet and not herself around him. She left for college about an hour away a year ago. She pays her rent with her student loan and we pay her tuition with her 529 account. I visit her frequently along with our other children as she is very close to them. But she has not allowed her dad to visit. She says it is her private space and he causes her too much anxiety. She is fine coming here, going on vacations with him, and other family outings. She smiles and answers his questions but isn’t chatty with him. This has caused my husband a great deal of distress and a lot of tension in our marriage. He does not think I should visit her if she won’t allow him to visit. I promised him at the beginning of the summer that he would visit over summer break, before school starts up and things get more stressful. At the beginning of the summer she seemed agreeable to that but she said it had to be when it felt right to her, not forced by us. Months went by and classes will start up again in 2 weeks. I pushed her on it the other day and she won’t budge. Art has always been her lifelong passion and after a year at college she has finally worked up enough nerve to try some art classes in the fall. (She is a psychology major but hopes to eventually get into interior design). That is a very stressful for her as the classes she will be taking requires the students to show their art to the class, receive verbal critiques from the professor and other classmates, and verbally critique other student’s art in front of the class. For a shy, anxious, introvert who hates to let anyone see her art, that idea is torture. But she wants to give it a try because she knows she has for push through that if she wants to go in to Interior Design. Even before I started pushing her for the visit I could see her anxiety was in overdrive. Last year she pretty much had a nervous breakdown about starting college (homeschooled her whole life, never been in a class room setting like that, moving away from home, etc…) But she pushed through it, got straight A’s all year and for the most part liked it. She pushes herself very hard with her schoolwork and her art and is a perfectionist to the point of making herself sick. She hasn’t made any friends other than the boyfriend she already had. She has a lot of social anxiety, OCD tendencies, other anxieties… She is slowly but surely making progress in pushing herself outside her comfort zone and we are proud of her for that. She talks of seeing a counselor someday but has so much anxiety about talking to someone about her anxiety, if that makes sense. She is reluctant to try medication because my husband has done that for 17 years with varying degrees of success and sometimes downright scary results– intense anger, suicidal thoughts…He is off everything at the moment and doing better than he has in years. I know she needs help. I just don’t know how to get it for her when she is stubborn and an adult. In hindsight, I should have done more for her before she left home but she was making progress and I naively thought everything would be ok. My husband says he will not back down. The resentment and hurt he has felt for the past year over not being allowed in her apartment is obviously not good for his mental health issues either. I feel for him. It breaks my heart. He basically wants me to cut her off over this. I can’t do that to my child. She is one of the people I am closest to on this earth. She and I have always had a great relationship. I have to push her at times (and it has always worked except for this one issue with her dad) we’ve butted heads and argued a lot over the years, but the love and trust was always strong. I feel like I’ve wrecked that over this. She has no one in her life other than her boyfriend. And DH expects me to use her love for me and her siblings to force this issue. He hasn’t talked to her about it himself. I don’t know what to do. She has extreme anxiety, mild depression, and suicidal thoughts too. How can I turn my back on her? But I can’t turn my back on him either. He also has all of the above. No one will see a therapist. My husband went to one briefly but said it was a waste of money. They have me between a rock and a hard spot and I’m screwed either way. A little more background info. I know there are some who will say she is acting like a spoiled brat and I shouldn’t allow it. I agree that she should allow him to visit and it is ridiculous for her not to. But I don’t have anxiety. I don’t understand what that feels like to be that scared of letting someone into her space that she doesn’t trust. She won’t let her friends from town in either, or my other extended family members so it isn’t just issues with her dad. She will only let in the people she is closest to and trusts the most. She has created this little safe haven where she can retreat from the stresses of class, of people, and hang out with her cats in an area where she has decorated to be an inner reflection of herself. And she has trouble sharing herself with others. She needs to get over that but I don’t know how. Other than counseling of course which I continuously encourage her to try. And my husband’s mental health problems were very difficult to be around but he is better at the moment. However that can change on a dime. I gave serious thought to leaving him last winter as the bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety keep getting worse as the years go by. But in between the bad times he is the guy I fell in love with and love dearly. I know he loves us all and seeing him cry over his relationship with our daughter is heartbreaking. He is trying so hard to get better himself. But I do understand why the trust isn’t there between the two of them the way it should be. My DH hasn’t spoken to his own mother in 9 years because she made him mad (and they have a lot of issues going back). That is the way his family operates and I refuse to have that sort of lifestyle with my own family. But I see how much he hurts and know that something as simple as a quick visit would go a long way towards healing. I don’t know. I’m not allowed to talk to any of my family or friends about my husband’s mental health so I feel so very alone with all this. My 17 yr DS sides with his dad, my 13 yr DS sides with his sister, and my 7 yr DD just wants everyone to get along. :( So do I!
  9. Which program did you start her on? My 10th grader is struggling to find any writing program/class/etc... that will work for him. He had a neuro psych evaluation done recently and was diagnosed with severe writing anxiety. I'm happy for you that you finally found something that works! I hope the enthusiasm lasts!
  10. Has anyone take AP Psychology through PAH? I'd love to read a review of that class.
  11. Thanks for all the replies. Maybe by learning all this stuff this year I'll know what I'm doing next year when it is our time to apply. If only I can remember it all... It is a little scary though. I had hoped that my kids could get a $3500 subsidized loan regardless of not qualifying for any other aid. But if some people aren't offered that it is time to panic again. I was really hoping to get them through college without any debt. Or at least with only subsidized debt. Trying not to panic!!!!!
  12. I keep seeing $5500 mentioned on the boards as being the maximum amount of subsidized student loans a freshman can take. But when I Google it I come up with $3500 for subsidized and another $2000 as unsubsidized. Which is correct or does it depend on the students financial situation? We aren't quite to that point yet but I'm trying to help a friend decipher his financial aid offer. Also, if it lists $2,500 as being estimated out of pocket expenses and in the total cost calculation it shows $2200 as an estimate of personal and transportation expenses and $1200 for books, he doesn't really need to have $2500 in pocket the minute he steps in the door. Is that correct? If I'm understanding it right tuition, room, board, and some of the books will be covered by grants, scholarships, loans, and work study and the remainder is just cash on hand that they estimate he will need for personal expenses, transportation, and a bit for books. Hopefully that is correct but I've haven't personally been through this so I'm hesitant to say for sure. He is under the impression he has to fork over $2500 at the end of the summer which would be difficult unless he can find a better job.
  13. Is an hour or two typical for those doing Forester Algebra? My son started it this year and it takes him MUCH longer and he is only doing the odd problems. He understand all of it really well but it still takes him forever. I'm trying to figure out if it is a focus problem or writing problem or what. I'm thinking Algebra I will take at least two years to complete at this rate.
  14. I am shocked. I think we will skip that book although we are only in Fractions so I doubt we get that far anyway. In LOF Language Arts Australia someone asks him where his parents are and he replies that his mom is in heaven and he has no idea where his dad is. Does it explain why he is so intelligent and allowed to live on his own? That part of the story has always bugged me....
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