It's not stonewalling to redirect when someone else is badgering. That's not OK. I agree with the several pp who suggest ditching the morning news chat (which otherwise sounds lovely in normal times, BTW) for the duration of the election. You could try suggesting something else as a substitute (a morning walk? a fitness date?). If he asks, just tell him, you're badgering me, it's not fun anymore, it's not working for me. Once we get to the other side, we'll try again!

I'd echo LS and OhElizabeth, here. I think it *is* different for a child with ASD. In the short run, "socialization" as it currently looks like from his current situation may look more like a hindrance than a help... and it might well seem like it'd be easier / happier just to bring him home... ... but as parents, you and your husband need to think through the long game. As both LS and OhE pointed out upthread, he prefers adult company now not just because they're more at "his level" intellectually, but also because with adults he's less called on to read cues, take turns, not interrupt, follow the other person's lead in conversation or activities, etc... ... but by the teenage / adult / employment years, he'll need those skills; and ASD impedes his ability to pick them up without explicit instruction and more practice than an NT kid needs. The school district does not get to encourage him out just because his needs are hard for them to meet. The school district does not get to write up an IEP which doesn't include explicit instruction in social skills, and present it to you "take it or leave it." That's not how it works. Unless you have the resources (financial, and availability of private services within reasonable driving distance, and logistical capability of getting him there), I'd be careful about surrendering all claim to district services. He's only 6. You don't yet know what he's likely to need going forward.

Aww, that's wonderful. Is this the same trip in which you were hoping to meet up with your own sister at the airport? If so how'd that part go?

I agree. All we can do is provide counterbalance to the cultural surround. It still surrounds. That's no different than any other area in which our family values diverge from the cultural surround -- materialism generally, consumption patterns complicit with labor practices and/or stewardship, racism, whatever. All we can do is provide counterbalance to the wider cultural messages that they will still absorb. It's harder talking about sex, though.

:iagree: ... and in the absence of open and honest talk-talk-talking with adults whose values they (more or less, even if deep down, lol) trust about what healthy and mutually joyful sex looks like, unreciprocal / coercive pornography becomes a primary resource for young men and women alike to work out how it's all supposed to work. What could possibly go wrong?

re "who's training them to believe these things? I certainly do not..." Of course you don't! I don't either. That's not *at all* what the author is suggesting. The argument is not that someone is purposely training (least of all parents) these things; more that the current context is having the effect of laying a very unhealthy set of expectations... which have an effect, and in so doing, train. The book speaks to the cultural surround -- aspects like the pornography discussed in this thread, trends in social media and other technological fronts, "hookup" expectations, certain types of music (not just hip hop FWIW)... and also, on the flip side of the Cultural Divide, purity pledges and abstinence campaigns that make young women the "keeper" of sex which is still seen in male terms.... ...The author argues that the dynamics on BOTH sides of the divide leave parents unable or unwilling to address sexual reciprocity -- that throughout the current landscape of young adults, sexual gratification is viewed as something young men want and young women are seen in mostly instrumental terms, expected to buck up and provide on demand without expecting much in terms of their own pleasure (the only Culture Divide difference being before vs. after marriage).

:lol: I'm 52. When I attend gatherings of mothers of kids my 13 yo's age, some of them strike me as just adorable, lol...

Re Peggy Orenstein's Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape : It's a hard read. My daughters are 21 and 13, with my 17 yo son in between. I originally got it because based on reviews I thought it was something I wanted to share and discuss with the oldest -- she went through a phase in middle school/early high school where she hoovered up parenting books, including several by Orenstein, and we found then that reading a book together was often a kind of access ramp to discussing difficult topics: it gave us a common vocabulary and analytical framework, and a sort of distance, to talk about tough topics. About a third in, I realized dang, E's already been through much of this. It's S who really needs to hear it, now, before she's up against some of the dynamics being talked about. (A hard recognition, BTW, one which I maybe wasn't ready to accept when my eldest was only 13.) The chapters work through a number of aspects, including pornography, of "the complicated new landscape" that our kids live in. The overall theme woven through is a construct of "intimate injustice," which I will paraphrase as young women are being trained up to expect that sex will be nasty brutish and short. Young men are being trained up to feel entitled to unreciprocal gratification, up to and including degrading and coercive acts such as those celebrated in (certain types of) pornography and music... and in the absence of other counterbalancing messages, young women also are being trained to think in terms of pleasing men, rather than their own agency or their own capacity for/right to pleasure. I'm having both my daughters read it, and have given it to the mother of my 13 yo's best friend (who also happens to head the board of our local domestic violence center) so I can talk to her about it as well... along with another friend whose daughter is 14. But it's really unsettling to think that girls that young need to hear this stuff -- as I said, I think I would have resisted that notion when my eldest was that age. Somewhere by 16, though, I really do believe the conversations need to be had, and the book gives a very sound analytical framework for the discussions. It's a different discussion with sons, but the term "intimate injustice" is I think a useful construct.

(Not Christian, FWIW, so if that renders my thoughts on the subject irrelevant, please skip down to the next post, lol...) I believe pornography is mostly bad for women in the short run; very often quite disastrous for the ability of men and women to relate reciprocally within longterm relationships in the long run; and inevitable. Where there's demand, there will be supply. re clamping control vs. creating context: This is largely where I come out too. So long as our kids are under our direct control, we can clamp down control, and there are times when that's appropriate. But by the time we blink a few times, they'll be out on their own, so the long game has to be helping them -- daughters as well as sons -- get to a place where they expect and want their long term relationships to be reciprocal and healthy and based on mutual respect. Pornography trains them BOTH the other way (even if our daughters aren't actually watching it). So for me the long game is all about creating context -- talk-talk-talking, explicitly and often and in every possible context, about reciprocity and agency in relationships... including talk-talk-talking about the many instances in the public domain, including pornography, where it isn't there and trains habits of mind and body in ways that will make deeper relationships later very difficult. These discussions look different with my daughters than with my son. (I just gave both my daughters, as well as two friends with daughters, this book, which I count as my most important read of 2016 thus far). I agree with the first bit, and would only add: the far easier access to this type of violent degradation affects our daughters too. Our daughters also need to hear, early and often and from adults they trust, that predatory/violent/unreciprocal encounters are not normative. That type of pornography (yes, there are other types, this is the type that concerns me) trains young men to expect unreciprocated and degrading acts. Unless we talk (yes, it's hard to talk), young women don't have any kind of counterbalance. _____ To your second bit... I dunno. The time between ages 13 and 18 goes really, really fast. And to me it's a bit of a punt to say, well, I did my best, I clamped down control in the days I had control, I can't help it if they go nuts once they're 18... to me, it's really incumbent that we use that precious limited time between 13 and 18, that late last interval that we have to influence their ethical development, to frame and TALK about our values within the acknowledged context that very very soon they'll be making their own choices. Yes. Hmmm. Well, certainly there are all types in all religious communities, sure. Just so you know, many non-Christians DON'T look at it that way, as well.

Yeah, I cant remember the brand of my new thick one but it's substantially more substantial than my foodie friend's Pampered Chef. I haven't had it long enough to warrant its longevity but there's definitely MORE to it than her PC. Pizza really is better 450+.

I had two cheap round ones crack over a 20-year interval, although to be fair I did drop each of them onto my ceramic tile floor, and the tiles cracked worse. :thumbdown: Sigh. Now I have a much heavier, thicker, larger, rectangular one. I like the larger rectangular size -- it still works for pizza and is better for larger loaves of bread. God help us all if I ever drop that puppy; I'd bring the house down.

I was a tree climber too. We had a massive silver pine behind our house and I would go up to the very top, where the limbs were thin and would sway and bend with my weight. Oh how I loved that tree. I found out years later my mother would watch from the kitchen window, too scared to call out at me because she was afraid she'd startle me and I'd fall. Which I never did. Good times.

I did sports as a teen and also ran 3-5 times a week. There's a lot to be said for sports, especially I think for young women -- the camaraderie, the leadership/team dynamics, and the valuing-strength-and-competence-of-bodies (rather than just physical attractiveness). As a young adult I messed up a knee to the extent that I can't run on it anymore -- I just can't take the pounding. I've never found anything else that is as easy / affordable / time efficient / can-do-it-anywhere as running. We have an elliptical at home (I can do that, because it supports my weight such that there's no pounding), and I use it, but it is so.dang.boring I could just weep. I'd far rather get outside. I do walk my dog, but that hardly does the job cardiovascularly, sigh.

We spent 10 months wandering the world a few years ago. My husband was working remotely for much of that time, and I was homeschooling the kids for all of it, so it wasn't "vacation" per se-- we stayed put for 1-2 weeks at a time, and spent lots of days mostly in our temporary "home" working/studying -- but we were living out of one suitcase each (and a whole lot of books and school cr@p), away from real home and out of our comfort zones. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if we could work out how. My son and I spent a month last summer in Guatemala and it was divine.

re our eyes and sizing have gotten accustomed to larger sizes: So true. When I was in college I wore a size 4 at Ann Taylor and Talbots. Three kids and three decades later, I still do. I assure you I am NOT the same size. My eldest daughter is now in college, same height and weight and basic frame size as I was when I was her age. She wears a 2 or a 0 at Ann Taylor and Talbots. What does size 0 even mean?

I do think this is regional. Around here, first names are the norm. Teachers and coach-type figures are the only ones that use titles (some -- eg preschool -- with first names; school age teachers usually last names; and both Coach/Master/Sensei (LastName) and Coach (FirstName) are common. My youngest is 13 and she refers to the parents of all her friends' parents by first name, as well as her religious school teachers and studio art teachers. By high school, some teachers go by first name too. At my older daughter's, perhaps half; at my son's, maybe a third, usually the younger ones. ETA: I totally concur with Tanaqui that people should be called whatever they want to be called. And if I have any reason to wonder -- a person older than me, lol, or from a different region, or who seems a bit more formal, I'll ask. The norm, though, is first names outside of structured teacher/student relationships.

re stereotypes only count as prejudice if they are negative: This was largely the view of my basically well-intentioned family growing up. Blacks are better athletes/more musical/better dancers, Asians are better at math/violin, women are more nurturing, gay men can sing better/have better design sense, etc -- so long as the stereotype was "positive," no problem. We all got scope for growth.

re making photo books Oh, I thought you were actually making some of them on iPhoto. Can't you upload from the iPad to Dropbox or something not-Mac and then drag them over to Shutterfly? The iPads in our house are my daughters' -- I use both a MacBook and a PC -- so I've never tried this, but I would think so?

re measurement systems: OK, that cracks me up. (Since the form doesn't take a 3-digit number in the "pounds" field-- which BTW really would seem to an easy fix if bbc were interested in mining global data-- I had to convert pounds to kilos.) That is even goofier than the American measurement system of miles / ounces / Fahrenheit etc. You go from pounds, to calculating how many 14-pound stones plus the leftover pounds? And that's really how people think of their weights? :lol: Anyway, I'm really 52 but came out as 46. When I tinkered to see how I could improve, the two items that made a difference were to fast (not happening!) and to somehow become an optimist (I actually struggled with how to answer this -- like many people who aren't by disposition outwardly bubbly/sunny/cheerful on a day-to-day basis, I think of myself as a realist with deep and enduring hope for the long term... but as that was not among my choices, I answered mostly-pessimist).

re: "mission" vs "service" vs "immersive travel": This is sort of how I think of this complicated issue -- that when we travel we look for ways to go a little slower, stay a little longer, stay a little more local (like homestays with families or renting short term apartments), figure out local transportation, shop local markets, attend religious services etc. When we can, we visit local schools, and when we do we often have a chance to kick around a soccer ball or do a (sometimes spontaneous) English conversation class for an afternoon. Occasionally we're able to join some sort of SIMPLE project alongside resident volunteers for a week or two. I think of it as a different/more interesting type of travel experience whose benefits accrue to US. And we've made some stumbles over the years, where once we've been into a project I've been uncomfortable about unintended consequences. Well, I've made useless financial contributions to "charitable" organizations that turned out to be hucksters too. I'm sure I've given money to individuals who then used it to make choices I'd find sub-optimal. Oh well. Comes with the territory. No more wasteful that the stupid clothes I buy my daughter that get worn exactly once, or the two ice cream makers we store in the basement.

I guess it depends on what you do, right? I need to be able to open Word documents that other people send me as attachments, I need to use spreadsheets, I need to plug in DVDs and CDs on occasion. I make photo books on both iPhoto (faster / easier / less cluttered formats / better quality paper / can do them offline on a plane or in a train) and on Shutterfly (cheaper / more flexible formats / can have distant family and friends review them before I send off to printing), and I guess I could live with Shutterfly alone... but wouldn't want to. And by the time you put a real keyboard on -- and I couldn't live without a real keyboard -- you pretty much have the size / weight / clutter of a laptop, KWIM? My now 17 yo son has exclusively used Surface Pros with keyboards since the day the first model came out. He has a magnetic cover that's also a bluetooth keyboard. It has all Excel, Word, powerpoint etc on it and he does all his schoolwork on it-- but also uses it just as a tablet to watch video etc. He's not so much an apps/games guy, though -- evidently that's the downside with Surface.

:lol: :smilielol5: :smilielol5: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ........... :ack2: . Yeah, don't go there. Especially if you know they otherwise enjoy Fine Wine. That part generally isn't a highlight of an otherwise delicious, albeit long, evening. Flowers are lovely, the napkins are nice, a pretty cheese knife, that sort of thing. And the advice to eat a filling snack is good. Some go long (2 hours) and some go REALLY REALLY REALLY long. It's my favorite holiday. :001_wub:

Oh, Ottakee. :grouphug: I'm so sorry he, and you and your family, are enduring this. Nothing to offer that hasn't already been said, and... there's not much to say. So often over the years I have in awe of how much you pour into your foster kids. He's lucky to be with you during this interval, even if he's not able to know that, yet. Holding you all in the light.

:laugh: Our library has a large covered overhang with cafe tables and chairs, originally meant for moms and kids to eat their snacks (no food in most areas of the library), to the side of the main entrance. It's become a favored teen hangout in warm evenings, after the library is closed, for just this reason. I smile every time I pass. Unintended benefits accrued from universal design...

re sorting through all the various placement service providers: I'm not familiar with this particular placement agent, but when my eldest was doing her gap year and we looked at several, we (FWIW) decided that we preferred to focus on the ones that were established as non-profit organizations (with 501c3 status). The linked one (like many but not all) is established as a for-profit business. That's not necessarily a problem, and it may well do a good job matching volunteers with projects, but it does mean that a hunk of the placement fee is being scooped off the top as profit to the business, before expenses and long before any resources actually go to the intended beneficiary. We've had good experiences placing directly with language schools. (I look for language schools set up as non-profit as well.)