I mean... Do you not believe decisions are made in the brain? Even the Catholic Church has to some extent revised the duality of the soul doctrine to allow for mental illness, brain function and other physical considerations as part of our person (as opposed to a different type of dualism suggesting all behaviors come from some kind of immaterial soul, and not the brain--just executed in the brain). Not sure if you are Catholic or belong to a different religion but it would be interesting to hear why you think decisions don't come from the brain which is in the body. Maybe this is off topic, but I'd be curious to know your thoughts on, say, depression in that case. Also not genetic because it is not in the body? Or is there something different about behaviors related to divorce?

. DP sorry

She edited after I posted (or probably around the same time--it took.forever to type that on a phone) and I did note that in a second post. I do agree that lack of social awareness and codependent tendencies are inherited. I do see it in my family. I and my partner work very hard to get beyond those tendencies. I don't know how to protect my kids though. The main issue is choice--K think matchmaking or matrilineal systems in which you just don't marry. We are too gullible, too romantic, too socially stupid to choose partners. Also--regarding "normal divorce"--heritability regarding these mental illness and other traits that i am saying cause divorce play a bigger role than what people hear at church or cocktail parties.

I think you edited your post after I posted? Mine still stays. Because abuse isn't clear cut and it's much more prevalent than people think. I really don't think just deciding to stay works. Thats the easy part for all but mentally ill people. I'd go so far as to say barring 20+ year marriages, if your partner wants to up and leave, that is the sign you need that they are not in it as a healthy or even moderately functional partner. Let them go.

That's what I thought too. All I have to do is just not leave. How hard could it be? Okay, he threw something at my head and left for six weeks and said he has an affair. That's okay. If I don't leave, I am not divorced. Super simple! It's adorable how simple this is. Oh wait, he left again after screaming profanities at the kids. Now the bank account is empty. No problem. All I have to do is just not file the paperwork and I have a marriage. Simple. Well now he wants to have sex without a condom and he said he doesn't believe men can be monogamous. It doesn't matter if he's a wonderful person. I just have to not leave and how hard could that be? Well now he left AGAIN, emptied the bank account AGAIN, screamed at me AGAIN, and sent a link to divorce papers. So simple. All I have to do is just stay. He has sex with me without my consent. Just. Don't. Leave. That's it. Close your eyes and hope there's no STDs. And I was lucky. He didn't have guns and he didn't hit me. Living with mental illness and NPD isn't a question of not leaving, Quill. It is a decision to put your own and your kids lives and health at risk on a daily and weekly basis. The reason you think you don't have to be "wonderful people" is because you haven't seen the depths that sick people can go to to harm others. No, you don't have to be wonderful people. But not having a mental illness really helps more than you can imagine. This is not like...ADD. (He also got diagnosed with ADD on top of bipolar and NPD, on top of everything, which was a great step for him that makes it easier to coparent.) I am in a normal relationship now. We disagree but nobody is trying to destroy themselves or the other person. We are imperfect but not having an active desire to see the other person break makes commitment possible. You don't need "wonderful", no, but you do need "not on a mission to destroy your partner psychologically". You don't get it. What may seem on the outside like a choice is often an escape. My partner knew I was in it unless he hit. So of course he chose as many psychologically destructive things as he could, to watch me slowly crumble. Your suggestion that you just can "not leave" is hurtful I think to many in abuse. And you'd be amazed how much abuse and adultery there is in divorced families. I found that out after I got out, mercifully thanks to his final declaration that he never wanted to see us again and written insistence that I file for divorce. No god or priest or mullah or rabbi would hold me to that. And I learned the grown up story, the one nobody tells at social events, of why moms and dads divorce. It isn't towels on the bathroom floor, not a lot of the time. It is violence, mental illness, and adultery. You just don't hear it because if you are saying things like "just don't leave" then a lot of people probably don't talk to you about it. Nobody in my life but my partner knows what a cluster my marriage was. Nobody knows about the abuse. Why would I mention that?!? We say idlt didn't work out. Quill, your blithe statement is intended to help the weak but it could kill a string person. I beg you to reconsider that little piece of advice. Yes, you just have to stay and that's it. But you also need to consider that staying alive and not destroying yourself is as worthwhile a goal as marriage. Please reconsider your advice. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things in the world, in part because of the massive sense of failure and sin that accompanies divorce. "Others could stay, but I couldn't." Even if you fail to make a lazy young divorce feel bad because you can't whip out a cute quip, you will make an abusee more likely to survive, because you show empathy. It is truly worth it. I watched a man throw a plate over my toddler's head. "Both partners have to decide not to leave." There are many things you don't see, Quill. Please have compassion.

I had a very different upbringing than my parents. I was convinced that my fortitude, religion and dedication to marriage made me a great candidate for lifelong marriage. Unfortunately I shared their genes for attracting narcissistic gumwads into my life by my sheer determination to make things work. I think the traits that will land you in a bad relationship at least once are almost certainly genetic: optimism, a desire to heal or fix problems, a strong tendency to please people or ability to put up with a lot of stuff. Not to mention, of course, the serial cheaters, the leavers... Those things are personality traits you cannot raise away. I hope to steer my kids away from early marriage and will encourage them to try out more relationships and get better counseling independent of family advice before commitment. Maybe they can make better choices than we did the first time. But it's hard because who listens to their parents? And how can you teach them this lesson without alienating them? Some people seem to instinctively choose good stable partners. They attract good people and they know who is lying. Not me. It takes me forever to figure that stuff out. All this is to say the genetic component doesn't surprise me one bit.

My kids have taken over my week off. I hope the kids appreciate it!

Not tired of it. Inspired and happy for you. You are nearly halfway through a year.

--How to do your taxes. So many people I know have their parents do this and it blows my mind. Like, 25 year olds! It is not hard unless you have a business with physical assets or are making crazy interest. --How to troubleshoot a computer. Like, how electronics work on a very basic level, power versus memory, input vs output, keyboard vs screen. --How to get a job or at least try. Resume, follow up, interview, thank you notes, and so on. --how to use social services and the medical system.

Your cat is magnificent. Next to him our cat looks like he is descended from 99% derp.

Man, what a pain. In some small towns the post office is open on Saturday, but postal infrastructure really does make a difference.

Oh yeah, definitely phlox. All of these sound familiar. Also, the purple blue creeping ones.

I don't even know half of them as we got a lot with the house. Bees LOVE flowering dogwood. Lavender. I will have to go home and look at Dd's science project... We identified a lot of them at that time. Clover instead of grass is a big one. I will ask MIL who knows everything and get back to you.

In urban areas not only do we have prime delivery on Sundays during the holidays, but we have private prime drivers who deliver all the time. Sunday deliveries get the USPS drivers overtime. So it seems it really depends where you are. Your post office doesn't deliver Saturdays? Man! I think people here would have a fit.

The bees love our garden. They LOVE it. We are a bee sanctuary.

On a related note... Don't call your kids' community college profs, but more importantly, don't call their employers. Especially not in an at-will state. There are fora for adults who need extra help and for kids who need accelerated programs but regular community college classes are not among them. They do take anyone but it has to be in the right program.

I have been awake for hours but am lazy. Speaking of milk, with all the kids home, we need to double our milk order. Especially because I think SOME PEOPLE are having cereal for lunch. I won't complain because it results in fewer dishes that don't get washed because people "didn't see that one" (not even while they were using it...).

Oh yes, we do that too for presents. I forgot.

Analysis. He has an analytic and critical thinking mind. I usually don't come over here because I don't really subscribe to buckets and labels, but... what you are describing is someone who would make an amazing systems analyst. Per LawyerMom's post, tax law is similar because you are figuring out the system and applying it to each situation. And yes, I love systems analysis! My kids' differences between arithmetic IQ and mathematic IQ are huge--like, probably 40 percentiles each. Mine is greater thanks to a lifetime of pursuing my love, analysis. Your son would probably love analytics, statistics (yes even with the math), economics, systems analysis, etc. Honestly anything other than school in which the result matters more than why you did it, your son will probably enjoy solving the problem. "Innate curiosity" is something we have on our list of things at work to hire for. It's above GPA and I promise you the multiplication tables aren't on there at all. I wouldn't worry too much about the arithmetic. That's what Excel is for, LOL.* *Anyway, that's what the data engineers and data scientists at work say... because most of us were nothing special at arithmetic, either. Memorization, PFFFFT.

The recession. You deserve your own life. Well, saying those words could be hurtful. But going for your family, for economic reasons, for the kids, and putting it that way, is possible. I'm sorry. ? Screw what? Screw martyrdom? Yeah, for sure, screw that. My advice is, frame it in terms of, "We need to be financially secure for our kids, because instability is not their fault. There are a lot of people we love, but they have nobody but us, so this move is non-negotiable. We need to seek the best outcome for us and the kids." And that's only if they ask why. Otherwise frame it in terms of a "lifetime opportunity for DH". Keep in touch with letters, Facebook, whatever. Don't feel bad for making sure that you and your husband can provide for the kids and realize yourselves. Your parents had choices, they made those choices, and they can deal. Right now, you are 100% focused on the kids. Yes they will miss the grandparents, but they also need to eat. Good luck to you. It's not easy but I get it.

Well, I have no advice, only sympathy. I once lost a diamond earring, from my wedding set. It was in a poor area. I try to think, maybe that person was able to send their kid to school with that diamond. (No way did I mention a lost diamond, and they did not find it somewhere... no way.) Now I only wear costume jewelry except on very special occasions. I buy it all at Old Navy or Target. And I get a LOT of compliments! "You look really classy." I seriously don't know why. I just say "thank you". Nothing costs more than $10. I lied. That is kind of advice. I'm sorry, NightElf. I hope someone finds the diamond and spends it on making the world a better place and I will send those thoughts to the heavens tonight for you.

Essential? Goodness no. Unless you are running an online business or something. Cheaper in the long run? For us, yes. We live in an urban area with a high COL, and get a lot online cheaper. One-day free shipping is really helpful to us. We use the music, the movies, and Amazon fresh occasionally. For my sister who lives in a rural area, where they ship a lot of stuff, it's worth it on shipping alone. They save roughly $200-500 per year on shipping as they are a middle-income family in a low COL area, so they spend a LOT online because they have a good disposable income. I know a lot of people who use prime to order for other people or a large family. I use it for my whole family of six. So that's a lot of random stuff. But I can see a lot of scenarios in which it's not worth it. If you only order one or two things a year and don't use groceries, then no, it's not a money saver. For a middle-income family of three in an urban area, with a parent staying home or possibly working part time, I would imagine you could get most of your purchasing done without a subscription.

I wouldn't ask a late-60s friend to repair a car. MAYBE if my friend were making a cool six figures and took special pride in a car's appearance, I'd let them know I was filing a claim and ask if they'd split it so we could avoid insurance. Maybe. I also wouldn't repair a scratch that only cost $400 I don't think you should ask. If you have insurance, make a claim not against friend ("it just happened") and if you don't, pay yourself, or don't get it done. My choice would be not getting anything done. My car has a lot of scratches and I just don't care. My peace of mind comes from knowing that people > things and I'm okay with a functional and imperfect vehicle.

Iceland is amazing! My daughter has too much stuff going on with swim, math and social life. On the plus side, August is mostly free. Our school's summer reading in high school is YOU CHOOSE BUT WRITE WELL. I love our school district. I think it's a fantastic idea. Not only does it give them a better idea of what kids actually read, but it encourages kids who actually do like English to make an effort. DSS likes English and literature and humanities, but when forced to read stuff over the summer will put in minimal effort. Now that it's his choice we can really demand that he try hard at it. I mean. As much as you'd expect a 14 year old to work really hard at an essay over the summer.

Based on my experience with single men aged 18-25, as well as my own college experience, lots of microwave popcorn, Top Ramen, and snack food will somehow suffice. I am 100% certain most people won't die of Top Ramen exposure for even 2 straight years, although they may develop cravings for Emergen-C. If you're worried, take him to Costco when you're in town and let him decide. I was always jealous of people whose parents mysteriously wanted to "just see the local supermarket to see if it's the same" when they came into town. It seemed really weird and yet convenient that they'd buy all this food and then not have room for it in their cars... just saying...